Bizarro Post Obituaries: Actor Paul Walker, 40, died in a car crash in Santa Clarita, CA on Saturday. Walker is best known for his lead role in the wildly successful "Fast and the Furious" series, which left such an indelible footprint in American culture that the Department of Justice decided to name their Mexican gun charity program after it. He is survived by his daughter, Meadow.
There. That's all you jackasses had to write. It was really that simple. Yet somehow I ended up having to fire no less than fifteen editors for writing things like: "Police say that Walker was driving with excessive speed and ferocity, which contributed to his loss of control."
A man died. A father died.
"Oh boss! I couldn't resist! It was just too perfect!"
No, idiot, it's low-hanging fruit that spits in the face of journalistic integrity. And I swear to God on His golden throne, if I hear one more of you assholes misuse the word "ironic" I'm going to do things to you that will be unanimously condemned by the United Nations. Yes, that includes America and Israel., This is a coincidence, not irony. Goddamn Alanis Morrisette for what she's done to our society.
I'm disgusted by all of you. Do yourself a favor and avoid me for a few days.
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Alternative Reality: The Bizarro Post Celebrates President Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau- Millions flood the Capitol at gunpoint as America inaugurates President Joe Arpaio.
Arpaio rose from humble beginnings as the Sheriff of Maricopa County, where he presided over a massive jail with over 10,000 inmates. Most of them were waiting for trial, and had not been convicted of a crime. But Sheriff Joe realized that "innocent until proven guilty" is a concept promoted by liberal pussies and dangerous minorities. For years, Sheriff Joe righteously used his prisoners as his torture dolls. His devotion to justice was so great, he could often be seen rubbing his nipples in patriotic fervor while overseeing the torture of misdemeanor drug possessors and petty larceny aficionados.
Sheriff Joe won a landslide victory of President Barack Obama, even though Republican insiders were nervous about his tendency to flagrantly violate the Constitution. Further concerns were raised over his use of taxpayer dollars to buy a customized tank with his name on it so he had something to ride in parades (I'm fucking serious, look it up). But their fears were unfounded. The American public's lust for violent retribution against the pettiest of crimes allowed Arpaio to ride a giant American Justiceboner all the way to the Oval Office, where all portraits and busts have been replaced with art depicting Sheriff Joe's glory.
We salute Sheriff Joe as he prepares to enter the Joe House for his first term. The United Joes of Joemerica is a country born anew! No car will go unsearched! No door will go unkicked! No cavity will go unfingered!
Yours at gunpoint, this has been a Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau special report!
Arpaio rose from humble beginnings as the Sheriff of Maricopa County, where he presided over a massive jail with over 10,000 inmates. Most of them were waiting for trial, and had not been convicted of a crime. But Sheriff Joe realized that "innocent until proven guilty" is a concept promoted by liberal pussies and dangerous minorities. For years, Sheriff Joe righteously used his prisoners as his torture dolls. His devotion to justice was so great, he could often be seen rubbing his nipples in patriotic fervor while overseeing the torture of misdemeanor drug possessors and petty larceny aficionados.
Sheriff Joe won a landslide victory of President Barack Obama, even though Republican insiders were nervous about his tendency to flagrantly violate the Constitution. Further concerns were raised over his use of taxpayer dollars to buy a customized tank with his name on it so he had something to ride in parades (I'm fucking serious, look it up). But their fears were unfounded. The American public's lust for violent retribution against the pettiest of crimes allowed Arpaio to ride a giant American Justiceboner all the way to the Oval Office, where all portraits and busts have been replaced with art depicting Sheriff Joe's glory.
We salute Sheriff Joe as he prepares to enter the Joe House for his first term. The United Joes of Joemerica is a country born anew! No car will go unsearched! No door will go unkicked! No cavity will go unfingered!
Yours at gunpoint, this has been a Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau special report!
Peepers Peer at Politician's Pornography
Bizarro Post National Security Bureau- A recently leaked NSA document detailing plans to use pornography habits to discredit undesirable speech has politicians terrified; even those who previously supported the massive surveillance program that targets both allies and enemies.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
North Korea Slips One Past...Everybody
Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Following Secretary of State John Kerry's secretive deal with Iran, Republicans loudly objected that it wasn't necessary for Iran to develop weapons-grade radioactive material inside Iran itself. According to GOP officials, North Korea could provide Iran with all the ingredients required to make a nuclear warhead from its own stockpiles. It seems that their grave predictions have come to pass today, as Iran gleefully unveiled their nuclear missile kit over state television.
"Hahaha, you imperialist pigs believed us! Talk about owned!" said an Iranian regime spokesman.
The video revealed an assortment of parts and a copy of Nuclear Proliferation for Dummies: A Reference for the Craziest of Us.
North Korea is also taking the opportunity to boast after the historic trade between the two countries, who share little in common beyond their mutual disdain for the west. The materials departed Yongampo in a large crate marked "VERY LEGAL MATERIALS. MAKE NO OPENING IF NOT ARE IRAN!"
Both the State Department and the Pentagon are mystified over how the shipment managed to travel over land for nearly 4,000 miles without interference. During its journey, the crate moved through China, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Turkmenistan. There were never any inspections or scrutiny, even though pretty much everyone is very cynical about North Korea's goofy bullshit. A number of border agents are reportedly facing severe disciplinary action over their monumental failure, particularly in China. As one Chinese inspector was dragged away to the organ harvesting shed, he remarked to assembled reporters that the shipment had "looked totally legit" to him.
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), having tiptoed away from his Benghazi gimmick, took the opportunity to jump on the fast train to Itoldyousoville.
"My starth, you guyth, I muth have thaid it a thousand timesth! Maybe nexth time y'all will take me theriously."
"Hahaha, you imperialist pigs believed us! Talk about owned!" said an Iranian regime spokesman.
The video revealed an assortment of parts and a copy of Nuclear Proliferation for Dummies: A Reference for the Craziest of Us.
North Korea is also taking the opportunity to boast after the historic trade between the two countries, who share little in common beyond their mutual disdain for the west. The materials departed Yongampo in a large crate marked "VERY LEGAL MATERIALS. MAKE NO OPENING IF NOT ARE IRAN!"
Both the State Department and the Pentagon are mystified over how the shipment managed to travel over land for nearly 4,000 miles without interference. During its journey, the crate moved through China, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Turkmenistan. There were never any inspections or scrutiny, even though pretty much everyone is very cynical about North Korea's goofy bullshit. A number of border agents are reportedly facing severe disciplinary action over their monumental failure, particularly in China. As one Chinese inspector was dragged away to the organ harvesting shed, he remarked to assembled reporters that the shipment had "looked totally legit" to him.
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), having tiptoed away from his Benghazi gimmick, took the opportunity to jump on the fast train to Itoldyousoville.
"My starth, you guyth, I muth have thaid it a thousand timesth! Maybe nexth time y'all will take me theriously."
Kmart's Bleak Friday
Bizarro Post Business Bureau (BP)- After announcing their intent to open for business at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving, it has become apparent that Kmart still believes that people actively want to shop at Kmart at any point in time, much less first-thing in the morning on a national holiday.
"It's just sad, really," says shopper Corynne Runyon. "I mean, guys, maybe it's time to face the music here."
Since its meteoric post-2000 fall, the formerly formidable big-box retailer is an anemic shadow of its former self. The shelves are disheveled and often empty. Years worth of grime and dust accumulate in every corner and beneath every shelf. Items litter the ground, and abandoned carts languish throughout the building. Despite the conspicuous signs of decay, Kmart still remains convinced that they can pull out of their nosedive if they're willing to do the things that other retailers aren't.
"We sincerely believe that being open for business during Thanksgiving will revolutionize the retail holiday strategy, and our associates can't wait to share the holiday cheer with our beloved customers," said Kmart spokesman Harold Graham before his lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably. He rose and briskly walked from his office, waving away cameras as he sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
In defiance of all logic, Kmart has made no effort to make sure its inventory is replenished prior to the shopping blitz that follows Thanksgiving each year. Shoppers can expect empty shelves, products produced before they were even born, and a grim glimpse into business on its deathbed that stews in its own feces and refuses to pass away with dignity.
"It's just sad, really," says shopper Corynne Runyon. "I mean, guys, maybe it's time to face the music here."
Since its meteoric post-2000 fall, the formerly formidable big-box retailer is an anemic shadow of its former self. The shelves are disheveled and often empty. Years worth of grime and dust accumulate in every corner and beneath every shelf. Items litter the ground, and abandoned carts languish throughout the building. Despite the conspicuous signs of decay, Kmart still remains convinced that they can pull out of their nosedive if they're willing to do the things that other retailers aren't.
"We sincerely believe that being open for business during Thanksgiving will revolutionize the retail holiday strategy, and our associates can't wait to share the holiday cheer with our beloved customers," said Kmart spokesman Harold Graham before his lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably. He rose and briskly walked from his office, waving away cameras as he sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
In defiance of all logic, Kmart has made no effort to make sure its inventory is replenished prior to the shopping blitz that follows Thanksgiving each year. Shoppers can expect empty shelves, products produced before they were even born, and a grim glimpse into business on its deathbed that stews in its own feces and refuses to pass away with dignity.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Facebook Fans "LOL" over Digital Matrimony
Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- Americans are laughing it up at a recently married couple from Conway, South Carolina who chose to get a joint Facebook account. The Facebook page entitled "Jeff-and-Britnee Whities" began distributing friend requests to friends and family after their original accounts were deactivated.
"Hahahaha, no, but seriously, it's adorable," said local resident Terrance Cowan.
Experts agree that approximately 80% of these joint accounts are made by bitch-made husbands with spouses that gently demand "accountability" in their marriage. In addition to that, experts also found that joint Facebook accounts made messy divorces 210% more hilarious for observers.
"Hahahaha, no, but seriously, it's adorable," said local resident Terrance Cowan.
Experts agree that approximately 80% of these joint accounts are made by bitch-made husbands with spouses that gently demand "accountability" in their marriage. In addition to that, experts also found that joint Facebook accounts made messy divorces 210% more hilarious for observers.
Zimmerman Lets Down Devoted Disabled Fan
Bizarro Orlando, FL (BP)- Louie Cameron, 76, has a rare form of dementia that has silenced the area of his brain responsible for creating lies that preserve one's reputation (yes, that is a thing that exists). That doesn't stop him from keeping abreast of the latest news, and Louie doesn't like what he sees.
"It's such a pain in the ass, I can't even tell you," Louie sighed, dabbing sweat from his brow. "I'm trying to make this guy into a martyr, and he keeps pissing in my cornflakes."
Louie is reacting to the latest of several brushes with the law by George Zimmerman, who was thrust into the spotlight for shooting an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin. George was found not guilty on the charge of 2nd degree murder, and released. Since then, Zimmerman and his handgun, Little Blasty, have traveled around America punching for love on all the wrong faces. Though his estranged wife has agreed to drop her charges against him, his latest arrest for a "domestic incident" suggests that he's back at it once more.
During the controversial murder trial, Louie defended Zimmerman against every allegation of racism and villainy that he could find. Thanks to his clinical candidness, he was able to offer us an uncensored glimpse into his mindset.
"It seems to me that being a thug should be enough to get profiled," he explained. "By 'thug', I refer to young black men that wear clothing I don't like. When Zimmerman testified that Martin only attacked him after he saw the gun, I thought for sure I was in trouble. People would figure out that a strange man approaching you with a gun in his waistband is probably going to use it on you, especially after he's been following you for some time. Luckily, nobody gave that scenario any thought. I was empowered to hate black people in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time."
But now a different narrative is beginning to take shape. Zimmerman the brave neighborhood watchman has begun to paint himself as plump, scruffy ball of uncontrollable rage. Suddenly the stories of Zimmerman's life pre-notoriety, where he was known as a dangerously unstable asshole, weren't easy to brush off.
"I'm thinking about dusting off that old story about the Australian guy in Oklahoma if this keeps going south," Louie grumbled while scrolling through Free Republic. "I've lost one martyr, but I suppose one's just as good as the other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to alphabetize my secret transexual pornography collection before my wife gets home."
"It's such a pain in the ass, I can't even tell you," Louie sighed, dabbing sweat from his brow. "I'm trying to make this guy into a martyr, and he keeps pissing in my cornflakes."
Louie is reacting to the latest of several brushes with the law by George Zimmerman, who was thrust into the spotlight for shooting an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin. George was found not guilty on the charge of 2nd degree murder, and released. Since then, Zimmerman and his handgun, Little Blasty, have traveled around America punching for love on all the wrong faces. Though his estranged wife has agreed to drop her charges against him, his latest arrest for a "domestic incident" suggests that he's back at it once more.
During the controversial murder trial, Louie defended Zimmerman against every allegation of racism and villainy that he could find. Thanks to his clinical candidness, he was able to offer us an uncensored glimpse into his mindset.
"It seems to me that being a thug should be enough to get profiled," he explained. "By 'thug', I refer to young black men that wear clothing I don't like. When Zimmerman testified that Martin only attacked him after he saw the gun, I thought for sure I was in trouble. People would figure out that a strange man approaching you with a gun in his waistband is probably going to use it on you, especially after he's been following you for some time. Luckily, nobody gave that scenario any thought. I was empowered to hate black people in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time."
But now a different narrative is beginning to take shape. Zimmerman the brave neighborhood watchman has begun to paint himself as plump, scruffy ball of uncontrollable rage. Suddenly the stories of Zimmerman's life pre-notoriety, where he was known as a dangerously unstable asshole, weren't easy to brush off.
"I'm thinking about dusting off that old story about the Australian guy in Oklahoma if this keeps going south," Louie grumbled while scrolling through Free Republic. "I've lost one martyr, but I suppose one's just as good as the other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to alphabetize my secret transexual pornography collection before my wife gets home."
Monday, November 18, 2013
Terrible Tot to Stand Trial
Bizarro Charlotte, NC (BP)- An 11-year-old child is being charged with felony child abuse for dropping his 6-month-old brother, leading to the infant's death.
"We hope that scumsucking piece of shit gets what he deserves in prison," said Detective Raymond Alderson of the Charlotte Police Department. "He just keep crying and saying that he doesn't understand what's happening to him, and that he wants his mommy. All that typical bullshit. Let's see if his tears stop the shivs from my Aryan Brotherhood buddies."
The child, whose name has not been released due to his age, has sparked outrage with his horrifically premeditated act of fratricide.
"Worthless degenerates like him make me sick," said local resident Clem Wilson. "And now my tax dollars have to pay for his elementary school education, his housing, his food! Here's a concept, America! Throw a tire over his shoulders, pour on some gasoline, and light a match. Problem solved."
The anonymous child's defense attorneys insist that their client is being railroaded into a felony charge due a tragic accident that an 11-year-old couldn't begin to comprehend.
Attorney Kendrick Muhammad has taken the case up pro-bono. "My client hasn't even hit puberty yet, for God's sake! His brain hasn't even begun to develop an adult capacity for reason. His voice is years away from changing. And now he's been placed into this hideous tragedy that could warp his mind for the remainder of his life. The mind reels!"
But the prosecution is standing by the charges, confident that they can give the child the harsh punishment that he deserves. Prosecutor Georgia Zizzman did not mince words on the matter when addressing the press. "These fucking punks....they always get away. They always get away with everything. Well, not this time. This time I'm going to put that little shit in the fucking ground."
Police representative Arnold Sizemoore intervened. "Sir, we don't need you to do that. Please, if you could refrain from--"
"Fuck off!" Zizzman shouted. "You're just like my wife! 'Georg-ie, stop yelling in my face!' 'Georg-ie, stop throwing gym equipment at me.' 'Georg-ie, stop making targets with my face on them!' Eat shit! I will END you!"
Those closest to the prosecutor insist that he is a gentle man who has strong regrets about having to prosecute such a young child for a crime he can't fully comprehend. But the state must "stand its ground" when it comes to prosecuting ruthless child-killing children.
We'll have more updates as the case develops.
"We hope that scumsucking piece of shit gets what he deserves in prison," said Detective Raymond Alderson of the Charlotte Police Department. "He just keep crying and saying that he doesn't understand what's happening to him, and that he wants his mommy. All that typical bullshit. Let's see if his tears stop the shivs from my Aryan Brotherhood buddies."
The child, whose name has not been released due to his age, has sparked outrage with his horrifically premeditated act of fratricide.
"Worthless degenerates like him make me sick," said local resident Clem Wilson. "And now my tax dollars have to pay for his elementary school education, his housing, his food! Here's a concept, America! Throw a tire over his shoulders, pour on some gasoline, and light a match. Problem solved."
The anonymous child's defense attorneys insist that their client is being railroaded into a felony charge due a tragic accident that an 11-year-old couldn't begin to comprehend.
Attorney Kendrick Muhammad has taken the case up pro-bono. "My client hasn't even hit puberty yet, for God's sake! His brain hasn't even begun to develop an adult capacity for reason. His voice is years away from changing. And now he's been placed into this hideous tragedy that could warp his mind for the remainder of his life. The mind reels!"
But the prosecution is standing by the charges, confident that they can give the child the harsh punishment that he deserves. Prosecutor Georgia Zizzman did not mince words on the matter when addressing the press. "These fucking punks....they always get away. They always get away with everything. Well, not this time. This time I'm going to put that little shit in the fucking ground."
Police representative Arnold Sizemoore intervened. "Sir, we don't need you to do that. Please, if you could refrain from--"
"Fuck off!" Zizzman shouted. "You're just like my wife! 'Georg-ie, stop yelling in my face!' 'Georg-ie, stop throwing gym equipment at me.' 'Georg-ie, stop making targets with my face on them!' Eat shit! I will END you!"
Those closest to the prosecutor insist that he is a gentle man who has strong regrets about having to prosecute such a young child for a crime he can't fully comprehend. But the state must "stand its ground" when it comes to prosecuting ruthless child-killing children.
We'll have more updates as the case develops.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Angry Grandpa Revives a Piece of Beloved Americana
BIzarro Post Social Media Bureau- The Clifford family has spent the better part of a decade trying to teach their elderly grandfather how to write inflammatory opinions online. The reason? Clement Clifford currently uses a sign on his front lawn instead.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
The best thing about these signs? No elitist spellcheck.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
Officer Bravely Stops Rampaging Rodent
Bizarro Mountain City, TN (BP)- A local police officer is being heralded as a hero for saving shoppers from a bloodthirsty rodent menace.
A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.
"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.
And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.
"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.
The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.
"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.
At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.
"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."
A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.
"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.
And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.
"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.
The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.
"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.
At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.
"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Texas Issues Apology to Grave
BIzarro Houston, TX (BP)- The state of Texas has issued an apology to an unmarked grave belonging to a man that was wrongly executed. This after CBS News spent a decade examining the unsavory facts behind the controversial trial that put Marshal Wilkerson on a gurney and into the ground.
"Hahaha, yeah, I remember that guy! 'Please Mr. Governor, don't execute me! I didn't do it! I have an IQ of 70! I don't even know how to tie my own shoes!'" Governor Perry recalled just before being informed of recent developments involving the Wilkerson Case. "Uhhhh, tarnation. Mable, I'm going to the range. Bring me my contemplatin' rifle. The one with the motivational kitties carved into the stock. Hold my calls."
A letter of apology was delivered to the graveyard, where it was nailed into the rectangle of granite bearing the prisoner numbers of those buried beneath it. The note read:
"Hey pardner,
Real sorry about stringin' ya up all falsely and whatnot. Please tell Satan that you didn't do it, and Governor Perry says it's okay for Jesus to let you into Heaven.
Happy Trails,
Rowdy Rick Perry"
It was nailed to three incorrect grave markers before the right one was finally located. Many have criticized the note as being callous and insensitive, especially since Wilkerson was Jewish. However, readers can take some comfort in knowing that because Wilkerson never learned to read, he wouldn't have known what it said anyway.
"Hahaha, yeah, I remember that guy! 'Please Mr. Governor, don't execute me! I didn't do it! I have an IQ of 70! I don't even know how to tie my own shoes!'" Governor Perry recalled just before being informed of recent developments involving the Wilkerson Case. "Uhhhh, tarnation. Mable, I'm going to the range. Bring me my contemplatin' rifle. The one with the motivational kitties carved into the stock. Hold my calls."
A letter of apology was delivered to the graveyard, where it was nailed into the rectangle of granite bearing the prisoner numbers of those buried beneath it. The note read:
"Hey pardner,
Real sorry about stringin' ya up all falsely and whatnot. Please tell Satan that you didn't do it, and Governor Perry says it's okay for Jesus to let you into Heaven.
Happy Trails,
Rowdy Rick Perry"
It was nailed to three incorrect grave markers before the right one was finally located. Many have criticized the note as being callous and insensitive, especially since Wilkerson was Jewish. However, readers can take some comfort in knowing that because Wilkerson never learned to read, he wouldn't have known what it said anyway.
Billy Graham Presents the Billy Graham Birthday with Billy Graham
Bizarro Post How Is This Not An Obituary Bureau- Having recited the requisite arcane incantations that mortal lips were never meant to utter, Billy Graham has clawed his way to yet another year of quasi-life.
Among the 800 attendees of this event will the be walking monument to unwarranted self-importance Donald Trump, and 2008 Commission to Elect Barack Obama spokeswoman Sarah Palin.
The event will be held at the Billy Graham Library, which is the centerpiece of the Billy Graham pilgrimage tour and pride of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. This multi-million dollar facility is a testament to the gospel of Christ, who told many parables about the importance of building a massive media and tourist empire devoted to your personal glory in the hopes that you can intertwine faith in Jesus with your multinational business venture and build brand loyalty.
Trivia: Graham's wife initially refused to be buried at the library, but eventually became too not-alive to continue protesting. There's also an animatronic cow. Because why the hell not?
Members of the media will not be invited. No word as to whether this has to do with his assertions about the "stranglehold" Jews had on the media, according to his secretly recorded conversations with Richard Nixon in 1972. The BGEA has apologized for these comments, citing that when you breathed the same air as Richard Nixon for too long a lot of inner demons tended to manifest themselves.
Among the 800 attendees of this event will the be walking monument to unwarranted self-importance Donald Trump, and 2008 Commission to Elect Barack Obama spokeswoman Sarah Palin.
The event will be held at the Billy Graham Library, which is the centerpiece of the Billy Graham pilgrimage tour and pride of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. This multi-million dollar facility is a testament to the gospel of Christ, who told many parables about the importance of building a massive media and tourist empire devoted to your personal glory in the hopes that you can intertwine faith in Jesus with your multinational business venture and build brand loyalty.
Trivia: Graham's wife initially refused to be buried at the library, but eventually became too not-alive to continue protesting. There's also an animatronic cow. Because why the hell not?
Members of the media will not be invited. No word as to whether this has to do with his assertions about the "stranglehold" Jews had on the media, according to his secretly recorded conversations with Richard Nixon in 1972. The BGEA has apologized for these comments, citing that when you breathed the same air as Richard Nixon for too long a lot of inner demons tended to manifest themselves.
Starbucks Offers Veterans a Salute Involving Only One Finger
Bizarro Post Business Bureau- A stunned nation reacts with anger as Starbucks insults veterans an their spouses by offering them 10,000 jobs at their eateries.
"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"
As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.
Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.
In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.
Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"
As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.
Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.
In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.
Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Bizarro Insiders: Security Officer Pens True Account of Benghazi Incident
"Morgan Jones" is the pseudonym being used by a security officer and American contractor that witnessed the Benghazi attack for-real-real, and not for-play-play. Below, in his own words, is a brief account of what happened that day.
It all started in a bar, where I was drinking "Jimmy Beefslab", the most badass mercenary in the business, right under the goddamn table. He might have been fluent in the ancient language of Shit-Talk, but he handles his whiskey like a man whose liver's made of paper mache'.
The first shot cuts through the air, and I'm as sober as the pope.
"Some shit's finally going down, boys," I says.
And they're like, "Aw shit, down at the embassy? You need some backup?"
"Yeah," I say. "I'll need you to guard that bottle of whiskey until I'm finished kicking ass."
Next think I know, I'm jumping over the motherfucking wall of the American embassy, and it's like an Al Qaeda family reunion. All of the biggest, most hardass insurgents in North Africa were staring me down. So I figure, it's time to get this party started. And what'a a party without a pinata? Only nobody had the decency to bring one, so I had to use this insurgent's head and the butt of my rifle. And that's all it took to light a fire under his buddy's asses.
It was pure Matrix shit in there, the way I dodged those rounds. I was moving so quickly, I couldn't even shoulder my rifle. If I was going to survive this shitstorm, my black belt martial arts would have to do. My body flowed from evasive maneuvers directly into roundhouse kicks and haymakers. Even if those bastards had dental records, they'd be useless for identifying the bodies when I got done with them.
These terrorists were real pros. I could tell because they waited for me to leave before making their play. And because they decided to stop being retards just this once, there were American causalities. Goddamnit, I'm only one man with the strength of three. Obama knew that, but he neglected to teleport operatives in to keep things warm until I showed up. Yeah, I said "teleport." We can do that. How do you think Obama gets his crisis actors from place to place so quickly?
Anyway, I take a few minutes to scream at the sky while kneeling over the employees who fell victim to these scumbags before those scumbags had a chance to fall victim to my knuckles. But there was no time to mourn. I learned that Stevens had been transported by civvies to a local doc-shop to see if something could be done. Nothing could. Not until I was there, anyway.
Using the rooftops to bypass the roadblocks, I finally arrived in the overtaxed medical center where I shoved the bewildered doctors aside and performed High-Efficiency CPR for well over an hour. Alas, though my hands are instruments of death, they failed to return a life on that terrible day.
As I stood in that crowded trauma ward, I lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and put it out on my bicep. Now was not the time for tears, however manly those tears would have been. Now was the time for retribution.
A lot of people have made noise about me telling my employer that I was in my villa during the entire incident, and that I couldn't even get close to the compound after I hit the road blocks and decided to give up and go home. But you've gotten a taste of the truth today, my fellow Patriot. And if you want the whole truth, you'll do your civic duty and grasp it firmly in your hands. You may grasp it firmly at any store where fine books are sold for $29.99.
It all started in a bar, where I was drinking "Jimmy Beefslab", the most badass mercenary in the business, right under the goddamn table. He might have been fluent in the ancient language of Shit-Talk, but he handles his whiskey like a man whose liver's made of paper mache'.
The first shot cuts through the air, and I'm as sober as the pope.
"Some shit's finally going down, boys," I says.
And they're like, "Aw shit, down at the embassy? You need some backup?"
"Yeah," I say. "I'll need you to guard that bottle of whiskey until I'm finished kicking ass."
Next think I know, I'm jumping over the motherfucking wall of the American embassy, and it's like an Al Qaeda family reunion. All of the biggest, most hardass insurgents in North Africa were staring me down. So I figure, it's time to get this party started. And what'a a party without a pinata? Only nobody had the decency to bring one, so I had to use this insurgent's head and the butt of my rifle. And that's all it took to light a fire under his buddy's asses.
It was pure Matrix shit in there, the way I dodged those rounds. I was moving so quickly, I couldn't even shoulder my rifle. If I was going to survive this shitstorm, my black belt martial arts would have to do. My body flowed from evasive maneuvers directly into roundhouse kicks and haymakers. Even if those bastards had dental records, they'd be useless for identifying the bodies when I got done with them.
These terrorists were real pros. I could tell because they waited for me to leave before making their play. And because they decided to stop being retards just this once, there were American causalities. Goddamnit, I'm only one man with the strength of three. Obama knew that, but he neglected to teleport operatives in to keep things warm until I showed up. Yeah, I said "teleport." We can do that. How do you think Obama gets his crisis actors from place to place so quickly?
Anyway, I take a few minutes to scream at the sky while kneeling over the employees who fell victim to these scumbags before those scumbags had a chance to fall victim to my knuckles. But there was no time to mourn. I learned that Stevens had been transported by civvies to a local doc-shop to see if something could be done. Nothing could. Not until I was there, anyway.
Using the rooftops to bypass the roadblocks, I finally arrived in the overtaxed medical center where I shoved the bewildered doctors aside and performed High-Efficiency CPR for well over an hour. Alas, though my hands are instruments of death, they failed to return a life on that terrible day.
As I stood in that crowded trauma ward, I lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and put it out on my bicep. Now was not the time for tears, however manly those tears would have been. Now was the time for retribution.
A lot of people have made noise about me telling my employer that I was in my villa during the entire incident, and that I couldn't even get close to the compound after I hit the road blocks and decided to give up and go home. But you've gotten a taste of the truth today, my fellow Patriot. And if you want the whole truth, you'll do your civic duty and grasp it firmly in your hands. You may grasp it firmly at any store where fine books are sold for $29.99.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Cuccinelli Reveals Sultry Scandal
Bizarro Virginia (BP)- Just before the election that will select Virginia's next governor, shocking and scandalous revelations have come to light regarding Tea Party darling Ken Cuccinelli (R).
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
Monday, November 4, 2013
Court of Public Opinion: A Juror is Judged
Bizarro Castle Rock, Maine (BP)- Maurice Lee unwinds every day after and usually during work by heading over to the Channel 7 News Facebook page and cutting lose on the latest arrest reports.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
The Hidden War on Freaks and Geeks
Bizarro Post Preventative Measures Bureau- President Obama and top Pentagon officials have announced an ambitious plan to stop spontaneous acts of violence from America's most troubled young men.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
GoDaddy! Discovers Rest of Internet
Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Internet hosting giant GoDaddy! has decided to end their racy ad campaigns after learning that they weren't the only website on the Internet that offered pictures of boobs in exchange for traffic.
"We came up with this strategy that seemed foolproof," said marketing strategist Ronald Charleston. "We showed some tantalizing videos on television, and promised additional nudity if they visited our website. Turns out, get this, that the internet actually has a ton of website devoted to nothing BUT nudity. And more, too! Like, there's people smearing all manner of things on each other and bullwhips, and whatever else those Germans can come up with. Very inventive, those guys."
GoDaddy! is no experimenting with an ad campaign that focuses on the services and goods that they provide to consumers in exchange for money, though analysts suggest that this approach is too unorthodox to appeal to millennial audiences.
"We came up with this strategy that seemed foolproof," said marketing strategist Ronald Charleston. "We showed some tantalizing videos on television, and promised additional nudity if they visited our website. Turns out, get this, that the internet actually has a ton of website devoted to nothing BUT nudity. And more, too! Like, there's people smearing all manner of things on each other and bullwhips, and whatever else those Germans can come up with. Very inventive, those guys."
GoDaddy! is no experimenting with an ad campaign that focuses on the services and goods that they provide to consumers in exchange for money, though analysts suggest that this approach is too unorthodox to appeal to millennial audiences.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Local Alcoholic Father Much More Pleasant When Drunk
Bizarro Gary, IN (BP)- The wife and children of a local alcoholic father live in constant terror whenever Harry Wilson is sober.
"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.
The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.
"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."
Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.
"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."
It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.
We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!
"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.
The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.
"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."
Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.
"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."
It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.
We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Bizarro Hollywood Blitzekrieg! October, 2013
Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
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