North Korea Casts Tragic Missile
Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.
"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"
Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.
"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.
A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."
The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.
Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.
"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.
National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.
The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."
Teen Hears "Call of Duty"
Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.
Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.
"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."
Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.
"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."
As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.
"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."
Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.
"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."
His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.
"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."
Billionaire Boob's Tube
Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.
The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.
The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.
Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.
"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."
Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.
