Bizarro Bloomington, IN (BP)- Ryan A., 13, is a local 8th grader who learned a very valuable lesson about fighting in school after being suspended for a ruthless beating he sustained in home room.
"Bloomington Middle School is proud to be a zero-tolerance compliant campus," said principal Edgar Swanson. "Young Ryan will receive a valuable lesson about becoming involved in physical violence through our strict, no-nonsense punishment policy."
Ryan was quietly reading a book in the back of the room when Harold B., a mentally damaged recipient of constant physical abuse, was falsely informed that Ryan had called him a "fag."
"You nerdy piece of shit!" Harold shouted as he barelled towards his startled adversary. "You're about to look like my mom when she lets my dad's beer get warm!"
The first blow left Ryan concussed and twitching on the floor. His flesh tore beneath a flurry of blows from Harold, who had been held back a number of times and outweighed his opponent by 50 pounds. Due to complications from premature birth and subsequent infections throughout his infancy, Ryan was not athletic and had no real friends. A school resource officer ended the scuffle by spraying a can of bear mace wildly around the room while screaming about "the Hadjis" coming to get him. Had Harold been an adult, he would have certainly been arrested to face serious charges and jail time. Fortunately, because he is a child, the only thing he's guilty of is being a rambunctious little rascal and one hell of a linebacker.
"Ryan has been a model student. It makes me sick to see him become this filthy, violent thug," said homeroom teacher Tiffany Stanford. "Wait, no, 'thug' is for black people. I meant 'punk.' He's a filthy, violent punk."
Here's hoping that when Ryan wakes up from his coma, the part of his brain that hasn't been reduced to spinal fluid will have learned that violence doesn't solve anything. Especially when that violence is unprovoked and not met with any self-defense whatsoever.
Showing posts with label Education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Education. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bizarro Bites: Shutdown Shenanigans
Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Prayer Pays Prodigiously in Philly
Bizarro Philadelphia, PA (BP)- In the wake of massive cuts to the budget, staff, and facilities, you might be expecting an uphill battle for Philadelphia schools as they kick off a new academic year. But there's a plan in place, and its effects have been miraculous.
"I'm reading all the time about this prayer being taken out of schools and how it was ruining everything," said Philadelphia algebra teacher Patricia Harmire. "I didn't know if I believed it. But who can argue with these results?"
As the September deadline loomed large on school administrator calendars, Philly's educational system leaders were face with an insurmountable problem. Class sizes would balloon to unsustainable levels with the closure of entire campuses. Materials, textbooks, and desks were in short supply. The supply they did have was outdated or tattered. What was a school district to do in these dire circumstances? Philadelphia High School (home of the Fighting Cheesesteaks) principal Cedric Braugher has a Hail Mary play that was just crazy enough to work.
"Hey, let's put prayer back in schools. See how that changes things," Braugher suggested.
For lack of any better idea, the plan was drawn up. Every Philadelphia school except one introduced a policy of mandatory protestant prayer. All Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, and non-believing students were sent to the Philadelphia Education Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.
"We needed a final solution to this problem," Braugher explained. "And I think we found it."
Indeed, the first day of school with mandatory prayer exceeded the expectations of a cynical public by a wide margin. No fights or any altercations were reported despite the crowding. This was perhaps due to the excess of desks that had been unaccounted for previously.
"These were good desks too. I don't know how we got them, but we sure needed them," said Spanish teacher Maria Gonzalez.
Also in surplus were new textbooks, art supplies, and enough computers to offer typing and introductory programming courses. The remains of the Philadelphia public school system are not only poised to succeed, they're poised to surpass the standards set by the Department of Education. Nobody knows exactly why, but every pressing issue was resolved immediately by the introduction of school prayer. That is, with one exception.
"It's a nightmare," mumbles Harvey Goldstein, a literature teacher at the Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.
Just before non-protestant students were due to begin classes, a massive budget cut was thrust upon the facility. Bathrooms are skating rinks of bodily fluids. The air conditioning system blows out air that can reach temperatures of up to 134-degrees Fahrenheit. Books have been replaced with print-outs of Wikipedia articles, and there are no recreational activities beyond The Student Government Association--which is assigned to pick up the dirty needles and used condoms from the grounds of the Institute every other day.
"I found a severed head in the playground sandbox," said sophomore Clarence Hammond. "I called the police, and they told me to put it back because they put it there for a reason. What the hell is going on anymore?"
Despite the Negative Nancy party over at the Insitute ("Wahhhh, my classroom has padded walls and smells like pee!"), prayer has truly turned the Philadelphia school system into an example that the whole nation would do well to follow.
"We may be separated, but we're equal," said Superintendent Katrina Polk. "Everyone will reap the benefits of this revolutionary new strategy."
Detroit and New York school systems are observing the progress of Philadelphia schools as they consider implementing the same policy in their troubled educational systems.
"I'm reading all the time about this prayer being taken out of schools and how it was ruining everything," said Philadelphia algebra teacher Patricia Harmire. "I didn't know if I believed it. But who can argue with these results?"
As the September deadline loomed large on school administrator calendars, Philly's educational system leaders were face with an insurmountable problem. Class sizes would balloon to unsustainable levels with the closure of entire campuses. Materials, textbooks, and desks were in short supply. The supply they did have was outdated or tattered. What was a school district to do in these dire circumstances? Philadelphia High School (home of the Fighting Cheesesteaks) principal Cedric Braugher has a Hail Mary play that was just crazy enough to work.
"Hey, let's put prayer back in schools. See how that changes things," Braugher suggested.
For lack of any better idea, the plan was drawn up. Every Philadelphia school except one introduced a policy of mandatory protestant prayer. All Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, and non-believing students were sent to the Philadelphia Education Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.
"We needed a final solution to this problem," Braugher explained. "And I think we found it."
Indeed, the first day of school with mandatory prayer exceeded the expectations of a cynical public by a wide margin. No fights or any altercations were reported despite the crowding. This was perhaps due to the excess of desks that had been unaccounted for previously.
"These were good desks too. I don't know how we got them, but we sure needed them," said Spanish teacher Maria Gonzalez.
Also in surplus were new textbooks, art supplies, and enough computers to offer typing and introductory programming courses. The remains of the Philadelphia public school system are not only poised to succeed, they're poised to surpass the standards set by the Department of Education. Nobody knows exactly why, but every pressing issue was resolved immediately by the introduction of school prayer. That is, with one exception.
"It's a nightmare," mumbles Harvey Goldstein, a literature teacher at the Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.
Just before non-protestant students were due to begin classes, a massive budget cut was thrust upon the facility. Bathrooms are skating rinks of bodily fluids. The air conditioning system blows out air that can reach temperatures of up to 134-degrees Fahrenheit. Books have been replaced with print-outs of Wikipedia articles, and there are no recreational activities beyond The Student Government Association--which is assigned to pick up the dirty needles and used condoms from the grounds of the Institute every other day.
"I found a severed head in the playground sandbox," said sophomore Clarence Hammond. "I called the police, and they told me to put it back because they put it there for a reason. What the hell is going on anymore?"
Despite the Negative Nancy party over at the Insitute ("Wahhhh, my classroom has padded walls and smells like pee!"), prayer has truly turned the Philadelphia school system into an example that the whole nation would do well to follow.
"We may be separated, but we're equal," said Superintendent Katrina Polk. "Everyone will reap the benefits of this revolutionary new strategy."
Detroit and New York school systems are observing the progress of Philadelphia schools as they consider implementing the same policy in their troubled educational systems.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Bookshelf: Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims
Bizarro Bookshelf- A work years in the making, Rush Limbaugh has finally finished his self-insert historical fanfiction, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures.
Rush Limbaugh's avatar in this romp through time and space is Rush Revere, a svelte and swarthy colonist with a head that looks like a steamed ham wearing a powdered wig. Also, Rush Revere is the character he uses to sell his line of teas, so there's that. Rush's marketing mimic travels America, warning all he sees that, "The Liberals Are Coming!" Trivia: This is also the tagline for the popular Cinemax title "The Naily Show: With Lance Stewbeef."
Rush Revere is a substitute middle school teacher (or as they're more popularly known, "The underemployed spitball magnet who keeps making us watch Dunstin Checks In) who just so happens to own a time machine of a sort, but more on that later. Revere's disregard for physical laws places him on the deck of the Mayflower, which is the first place anyone wants to go when they enjoy dubiously legal cigars, progressive synth-rock, and Elton John.
Oh, and did I mention there's a goddamn talking horse named Liberty? Not impressed? What if I told you--SPOILER ALERT--that horse was the time machine I mentioned earlier? Awwww yeah! And even though horses are physically required to poop every five minutes, Liberty can at least warn you beforehand that you'll need a shovel in a few seconds.
"This country is made up of exceptional people and stories of rags to riches," Rush explains.
Now wait, wasn't "free market capitalism" a distant second beneath "basic survival" on the list of Pilgrim concerns? Not so! Enterprising pilgrims built lucrative businesses by attaching belt buckles to clothing that did not necessitate them. And there's that instant oatmeal guy. You know he made bank! No, you can shut up about Quakers and Pilgrims being two different things. They wear the same hats and everything! Explain that, liberal!
As for Thanksgiving, Rush Revere wants you to know the truth! You see, this first Thanksgiving is a demonstration about the failures of socialism. By exchanging food and agricultural tips, the Pilgrims and the Natives both became wealthy. I mean, if you stop and think about it, mass starvation and death by exposure to the cruel New England winters is a form of wealth since you go to Heaven afterwards. They've got golden streets, for God's sake! As for the Natives, they earned their pay too; though most of it was delivered to them in Smallpox Dollars. Not a popular item among coin collectors, incidentally.
Even though Limbaugh insists that his latest book is not partisan, he still tackles it with the same gusto that he applies to every other aspect of his life; excluding physical fitness, which was corrupted by Michelle Obama. No true patriot does cardio. That's what horses are for.
"But our president, President Obama, recently said exceptional Americans are few and far between.....And the fact is, way too many people believe it. Way too many people believe that prosperity, success, or whatever is an exception now, that it really is impossible--and it's not, folks."
There's a lot we can learn from the timeless story of the Pilgrims and the Natives. Why do you think the Native tribes all own those huge casinos? Because with a little luck and the favor of God, you can go from rags to riches playing slots. Just as Ezekial and Spirit Arrow clasped hands and formed a successful business partnership, you can join hands with a Chippewa's one-armed bandit and seek your fortune in quarters.
These are the principles that America has forgotten thanks to Socialist Communazis, and these are the principles that will capture the stunted imaginations of indoctrinated children everywhere. This book is a surefire Christmas hit, because if there's one thing children love it's reading several hundred pages of historical fiction with no wizards, no shirtless werewolves, and no turgid body parts of any kind.
Rush Limbaugh's avatar in this romp through time and space is Rush Revere, a svelte and swarthy colonist with a head that looks like a steamed ham wearing a powdered wig. Also, Rush Revere is the character he uses to sell his line of teas, so there's that. Rush's marketing mimic travels America, warning all he sees that, "The Liberals Are Coming!" Trivia: This is also the tagline for the popular Cinemax title "The Naily Show: With Lance Stewbeef."
Rush Revere is a substitute middle school teacher (or as they're more popularly known, "The underemployed spitball magnet who keeps making us watch Dunstin Checks In) who just so happens to own a time machine of a sort, but more on that later. Revere's disregard for physical laws places him on the deck of the Mayflower, which is the first place anyone wants to go when they enjoy dubiously legal cigars, progressive synth-rock, and Elton John.
Oh, and did I mention there's a goddamn talking horse named Liberty? Not impressed? What if I told you--SPOILER ALERT--that horse was the time machine I mentioned earlier? Awwww yeah! And even though horses are physically required to poop every five minutes, Liberty can at least warn you beforehand that you'll need a shovel in a few seconds.
"This country is made up of exceptional people and stories of rags to riches," Rush explains.
Now wait, wasn't "free market capitalism" a distant second beneath "basic survival" on the list of Pilgrim concerns? Not so! Enterprising pilgrims built lucrative businesses by attaching belt buckles to clothing that did not necessitate them. And there's that instant oatmeal guy. You know he made bank! No, you can shut up about Quakers and Pilgrims being two different things. They wear the same hats and everything! Explain that, liberal!
As for Thanksgiving, Rush Revere wants you to know the truth! You see, this first Thanksgiving is a demonstration about the failures of socialism. By exchanging food and agricultural tips, the Pilgrims and the Natives both became wealthy. I mean, if you stop and think about it, mass starvation and death by exposure to the cruel New England winters is a form of wealth since you go to Heaven afterwards. They've got golden streets, for God's sake! As for the Natives, they earned their pay too; though most of it was delivered to them in Smallpox Dollars. Not a popular item among coin collectors, incidentally.
Even though Limbaugh insists that his latest book is not partisan, he still tackles it with the same gusto that he applies to every other aspect of his life; excluding physical fitness, which was corrupted by Michelle Obama. No true patriot does cardio. That's what horses are for.
"But our president, President Obama, recently said exceptional Americans are few and far between.....And the fact is, way too many people believe it. Way too many people believe that prosperity, success, or whatever is an exception now, that it really is impossible--and it's not, folks."
There's a lot we can learn from the timeless story of the Pilgrims and the Natives. Why do you think the Native tribes all own those huge casinos? Because with a little luck and the favor of God, you can go from rags to riches playing slots. Just as Ezekial and Spirit Arrow clasped hands and formed a successful business partnership, you can join hands with a Chippewa's one-armed bandit and seek your fortune in quarters.
These are the principles that America has forgotten thanks to Socialist Communazis, and these are the principles that will capture the stunted imaginations of indoctrinated children everywhere. This book is a surefire Christmas hit, because if there's one thing children love it's reading several hundred pages of historical fiction with no wizards, no shirtless werewolves, and no turgid body parts of any kind.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Thinning, Winning, and Learning
Man Loses Weight, Still Ugly
Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.
"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."
And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.
"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.
Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.
"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."
When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."
Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.
"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.
His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.
"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."
Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.
"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.
When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."
Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.
"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."
UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.
"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.
"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."
Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial
Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.
On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"
On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."
And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."
"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"
The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.
"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF! How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"
Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.
"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."
And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.
"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."
New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age
Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.
After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".
Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.
"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."
In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.
"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"
"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"
This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.
If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!
If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil
And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!
So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!
"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"
Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.
"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"
"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.
Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!
Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*
*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).
Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.
"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."
And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.
"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.
Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.
"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."
When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."
Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.
"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.
His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.
"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."
Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.
"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.
When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."
Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.
"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."
UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.
"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.
"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."
Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial
Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.
On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"
On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."
And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."
"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"
The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.
"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF! How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"
Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.
"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."
And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.
"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."
New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age
Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.
After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".
Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.
"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."
In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.
"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"
"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"
This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.
If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!
If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil
And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!
So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!
"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"
Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.
"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"
"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.
Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!
Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*
*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Asterisks are for Lawyers. "Turbo" is for Winners.
Bizarro Moviehouse- The cynical may take a glance at “Turbo” and write it off as yet another Dreamworks movie where the entire premise is an animal doing something that an animal doesn’t usually do. They might lament the old and musty trope of an underdog rising through the ranks to beat the villain--who for the sake of narrative convenience is always the most skilled at whatever event the protagonist is trying to master. An abundance of celebrity voicework will inevitably lead to groaning about easy paychecks and attempts to wallpaper over a bland story with starpower. Sure, tossing out all the of the Indy 500’s notoriously uncompromising regulations and allowing a snail to compete would probably require far more effort to explain than Dreamworks was willing to actually put in. Others might point out that allowing a genetically enhanced snail that can travel at obscene speeds to race with Formula 1 cars is like Superman challenging Spiderman to a contest to see who’s the most bulletproof. Latino writers might note that the only Mexican characters in the entire movie sell tacos for a living. Every single one of these observations is true, and by all rights I should condemn “Turbo” for being as lazy as any movie possibly can be when it comes to messaging and storycrafting.
But I won’t.
There are some movies that, while technically terrible in every way, excel at seizing an uncomfortable truth and bringing it to the forefront of our social consciousness. “Night of the Living Dead” had a miniscule budget, and the undead threat consisted primarily of extras stumbling around in boxer shorts. However, its black male lead was portrayed as a capable and bold problem-solver. White characters were either catatonic or bloviating jackasses. Romero took the entire Hollywood racial paradigm, which nobody wanted to acknowledge, and turned it on its head.
“Turbo” has a message too: Steroids are awesome.
In the golden age of American sports, we marveled as home run records were constantly broken by titanic bat-to-ball connections. Lance Armstrong made America proud year after year with his world-famous cycling performances. Professional wrestlers were titans—performing incredible feats of simulated sportsmanship. We had it all until the whiners in the anti-juicing crowd decided that all the fun should be jettisoned from sports by replacing our favorite players with mere mortals of unoptimized flesh. Since cartoon snails don’t have fingers, middle or otherwise, I’ll be happy to lend my appendage and give these wimps a rightly deserved invitation to sit and spin.
Theo the snail is living a life of drudgery harvesting produce; dreaming all the while of a career in racing. Being an ordinary snail, this is clearly beyond his abilities. However, in a twist of fate, Theo is submerged in a vat of nitrous oxide and gains the exact super powers he needs to achieve his dreams. “Turbo” teaches children that people who play by the rules are doomed to a lifetime of conciliation prizes—a job that pays slightly above minimum wage, a house in a neighborhood that allows you to be quickly profiled as a criminal by your betters, and a spouse and children that disappoint your parents. But if you’re willing to take a dip in that gently glowing vat of get-up-and-go, every joy life has to offer will fall into your hands. Your meaty, rage-clenched hands. “Turbo” celebrates an America that refused to accept anything less than a literal 110% effort. And by God, I think we’ll all be better off for it.
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