Officer Bravely Stops Rampaging Rodent

Bizarro Mountain City, TN (BP)- A local police officer is being heralded as a hero for saving shoppers from a bloodthirsty rodent menace.

A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.

"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.

And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.

"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.

The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.

"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.

At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.

"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."