Bizarro Virginia (BP)- Just before the election that will select Virginia's next governor, shocking and scandalous revelations have come to light regarding Tea Party darling Ken Cuccinelli (R).
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
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