Bizarro Post National Security Bureau- A recently leaked NSA document detailing plans to use pornography habits to discredit undesirable speech has politicians terrified; even those who previously supported the massive surveillance program that targets both allies and enemies.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
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