Just Asking Questions, Here

Bizarro Post Scandal Bureau- It all began in a Washington Post profile, where Newark Mayor Cory Booker (D) responded to accusation of homosexuality made by people on the internet.

“I love seeing on Twitter when someone says I’m gay, and I say, ‘So what does it matter if I am? So be it," Booker responded.

In a Newsmax interview soon after, Steve Lonegan (R) responded, "It's kind of weird. As a guy, I personally like being a guy. I don't know if you saw the stories last year. They've been out for quite a bit about how he likes to go out at three o'clock in the morning for a manicure and a pedicure,"

Then came the statement from Lonegan that sparked a brand new controversy: "I have a more peculiar fetish."

"He likes to fondle farm animals in a sexually inappropriate way," said somebody that may or may not exist. "I have nothing to prove this, but there's a strong feeling deep inside that I can't deny. I feel a Word of Knowledge from Heaven that Lonegan has groped ducks, goats, horses, and even veal calves."

Bizarro Post staff members would like to once again remind you that we have no idea who this individual is or what, if any, agenda they might have. We've seen no evidence to support the validity of this claim. Nonetheless, with an accusation this explosive, it is rather odd that Lonegan hasn't proven that it's untrue. I mean, we'd bust our asses to clear up something like that.

Our journalistic ethics require us to officially take the stance that it is a blatant lie, but if someone chose to believe it, I just don't know if we could stop them.

Scandal! A Secret Life Revealed!

Bizarro Post Scandal Bureau- After a series of racy photos were sent to various national news outlets, it is now apparent that Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has been living a secret double-life as a straight man.

"The images clearly depict Graham engaged in sexual activity with a woman. They also do not appear to be doctored," said Excess Hollywood host Jim Twinkleteeth. "Combine those with the saucy texts, and there's no denying the authenticity of these allegations."

Members of the Washington establishment are tight-lipped about their colleague's heterosexual tryst, but pundits are speaking up.

"He can't be honest with himself and his family. How can voters expect him to be honest with them?" smarmed Keith Olbermann.

"This split-personality business undermines the credibility of Graham himself, and the party that he is so prominent in," sulked Andrew Wilkow. "Everyone knows he's gay, so just be gay already! Wait, no, being gay makes him a degenerate. But I've always been a vocal supporter of his policies, so he should keep being strai--I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE!"

Senator Graham has not spoken in person about the allegations yet, but his staff issued a statement on his behalf Wednesday morning.

"These preposterous accusations are tabloid trash, and insult the intelligence of South Carolinian voters. Senator Lindsey Graham is now, and has always been, a.....well, he's a man. A man who is attracted to.....humans of some persuasion," the statement read, in part.

Putin Wants Skaters Put on Ice

Bizarro Moscow, Russia (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin, while reviewing preparation efforts for the upcoming Winter Olympics, was stunned when aides showed him a video of past Olympic figure skating competitions.

"Wait, what is this?" shouted Putin, shielding his eyes to prevent the spread of Gay via osmosis. "We will remove this event! It cannot be permitted in a moral society!"

Russia has recently made the creation of "gay propaganda" an offense punishable by law. In the spirit of enforcing this statute, Putin filed a formal request to remove all skating events.

The International Olympic Committee immediately rebuked this request.

"Figure skating and other skating performances are inseparable from the Olympic Winter Games. To insult many of the world's greatest performers by casually dismissing their events is not acceptable to this committee."

President Putin intends to play hardball with male skaters by mandating that they use only "masculine movements" in their routines, and that all male participants must prove their heterosexuality by passionately fondling the armpit hair of Russia's most revered beauty queen, Svetlana Onebrowski.

Is the Vatican Fabulous?

Bizarro Religion Bureau- While taking questions from reporters on a plane ride home from Rio, Pope Francis was questioned about the presence of homosexuals in the Vatican. Francis shrugged and replied, "Who am I to judge a gay person?"

When pressed for more information about this unexpected answer, P-France gave a very candid account of the Vatican's secret sassy side.

"Well, look at these robes I wear. They are custom tailored, embroidered with gold threads. I have more in my apartment that would make Elton John feel faint with jealousy. Could a straight tailor have designed such bold and flamboyant garments?

"And the art! Have you seen the stuff our church has commissioned? There are wangs as far as the eye can see. There's a reason for that, my friends!"

 Despite a rising number of Catholics supporting same-sex marriage, the Vatican either sidestepped the issue entirely, or reaffirmed its stance that homosexuality could not be accepted within the church. Now the very head of that church had changed the game unexpectedly.

"Have you ever seen acts of same-sex affection within the Vatican?" asked Bob Hanson, a reporter from the blog Beiberfans United.

"No, but my gaze would not linger on two dudes kissing," replied Pope Francis. "Now, two nuns? That might be another story entirely!"