A Special Message From the Holy Prophet of the Grand Overspirit

The Holy Prophet is the anointed servant of the Grand Overspirit. All hail the Holy Prophet!

Greetings, blessed children of the Grand Overspirit. I come to you now with a vital message, for now is the time for the world to know the truth. Why now? The Supreme Court of the United States is currently considering a case that could potentially allow corporations to bypass any number of laws based on their religious beliefs. What an incredible occasion this is for our faith to blossom as it never has!

Sadly, many lost souls have not heard the commandments of the Grand Overspirit. I hope I can rectify this to some degree with a crash course in the teachings of the Spirit.

-The Grand Overspirit reigns in glory, and is unequaled. However, at the Spirit's right hand are the chosen few. I, of course, am among them. Standing with me are the world's elite. I stand among the CEO's, the hedge fund managers, and the political elite. These people are blessed with incredible wealth and business prowess through the touch of the Overspirit. And thus, they are granted special privileges.

-Once a person is among the Spirit's chosen, they can never be allowed to lapse into poverty or bankruptcy. It is the job of the state to "bail out" the afflicted chosen, and to invest in their continued prosperity. Failure to do so represents an unconstitutional breach of religious liberty.

-For those who are not chosen, a life of diligent labor is required. Abiding by the Spirit's teachings will guarantee the non-chosen a place in the Holy Labor Camps, where they will produce inexpensive goods for the chosen. Failure to abide by the teachings assures damnation and eternal torment. The following acts are forbidden:

      -Taking breaks, relieving oneself while on the clock, and any other activity that involves the cessation of labor.

      -Unionizing, or speaking of labor unions in a positive light is grounds for immediate damnation.

       -The Great Overspirit's infinite generosity permits a wage of $1 per hour for all American non-chosen laborers. No more. Less, however, is always a possibility.

       -Healthcare is only permitted for the chosen. The non-chosen may use an assortment of leaches or medical bleeding devices to balance their humours. However, no hospitals, clinics, or medical practitioners are allowed to squander resources on the non-chosen.

-Along with protection against financial hardship, the government has several more obligations that it must meet if it does not wish to illegally violate our religious doctrine.

      -Raising taxes on the non-chosen is permitted. Raising taxes or closing loopholes in ways that negatively affect the income of the chosen are mortal sins.

      -All elected delegates must represent the best interests of the Church of the Great Overspirit and the chosen. Failure to vote in our interests is a violation of the 1st Amendment.
     
      -The Great Overspirit wishes for all American law to be penned by chosen men who are active within the Church. All outsiders and non-chosen cannot be trusted to write legislation, nor do they have the supernatural knowledge needed to vote the correct bills into law. Any election that does not result in the election of a Church member is an illegal violation of our religious rights.

CEO's, executives, men or means! Please turn from your lives wrought with error and embrace the Church of the Great Overspirit. When the Supreme Court empowers us to a place of unquestioned authority, you can be at the forefront of our Church's proud movement. Official church membership cards are required. They can be obtained by making a tithe of $50,000 to the Prophet.

Billy Graham Presents the Billy Graham Birthday with Billy Graham

Bizarro Post How Is This Not An Obituary Bureau- Having recited the requisite arcane incantations that mortal lips were never meant to utter, Billy Graham has clawed his way to yet another year of quasi-life.

Among the 800 attendees of this event will the be walking monument to unwarranted self-importance Donald Trump, and 2008 Commission to Elect Barack Obama spokeswoman Sarah Palin.

The event will be held at the Billy Graham Library, which is the centerpiece of the Billy Graham pilgrimage tour and pride of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. This multi-million dollar facility is a testament to the gospel of Christ, who told many parables about the importance of building a massive media and tourist empire devoted to your personal glory in the hopes that you can intertwine faith in Jesus with your multinational business venture and build brand loyalty.

Trivia: Graham's wife initially refused to be buried at the library, but eventually became too not-alive to continue protesting. There's also an animatronic cow. Because why the hell not?

Members of the media will not be invited. No word as to whether this has to do with his assertions about the "stranglehold" Jews had on the media, according to his secretly recorded conversations with Richard Nixon in 1972. The BGEA has apologized for these comments, citing that when you breathed the same air as Richard Nixon for too long a lot of inner demons tended to manifest themselves.

Cuccinelli Reveals Sultry Scandal

Bizarro Virginia (BP)- Just before the election that will select Virginia's next governor, shocking and scandalous revelations have come to light regarding Tea Party darling Ken Cuccinelli (R).

His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.

"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."

Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.

Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."

Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.

"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."

Vatican Plan an "Exorcise" in Futility

Bizarro Post Political Bureau- Security officials are leveling stern accusations at the Vatican today after an apparent sleeper agent charged the microphone just after the House passed the bill that would reopen the government.

"You go against God! You cannot serve two masters! Praise be to God, the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise forever!" House stenographer Dianne Reidy shrieked into the microphone, flinging holy water from her fingertips. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"

Representatives were seen hissing and recoiling as if in terrible agony when the droplets of anointed agua struck their bare flesh. Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich.) attempted to projectile vomit on the woman as she cried out her invocations.

"You shall not defy the New Flesh!" growled Speaker John Boehner. "All hail the Lord of Worms!"

Order was restored as Reidy was lead away from the podium and detained while America and the Vatican worked out the awkward diplomatic dynamics of returning their operative.

"We have done what we can do," muttered a resigned Pope Francis. "I wish that we had succeeded. But it seems the time of The Beast's reign is too close to avert."

Dear Parents With Young Children in the Coven

Jamie Three-Wolf-Moon is a Wiccan pansexual mommy blogger who was impregnated by Herpo the Klown during the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos. She hopes to prove to America that Wiccan witches are not 300 pounds with dyed hair that has more split ends than the War and Peace: Choose Your Own Adventure Edition. Wolf-Moon herself is, but that's beside the point.

Dear Parents With Young Children in the Coven

You are doing something really, really important. I know it's not easy. I see you with your arm-folds bulging, and I know you came to the clearing in the woods already tired. Parenting is tiring. Really tiring. Like, if you happened to use whiskey and Vicodin to sleep through your baby's stupid midnight tantrums, I wouldn't blame you.

I watch you bounce and jiggle, and also hold a baby. You're juggling the diaper satchel and stainless steel pentagram amulet from Spencer's as you find a lawn chair. I see you anxiously produce a bottle containing Eye of Newt (lemon Kool-aid mixed with sprigs of spearmint).

And I see you with your little warlock and witchlette. I watch you cringe when your little girl asks where we get the cat blood in a voice that might not be obscured by the sounds of opening enchantments. I hear the exasperation in your voice as you attempt a Hex of Enduring Silence, but everyone's looking at you because they know you've never been very good at hexes. Not everyone is looking at you, but Steve is. Steve could do that hex in his sleep, and thinks you should spend some more time reading your Necronomicon.

I know you're wondering, is this worth it? Why do I bother? I know you often leave the coven more exhausted than you ever were before, your mana points all but depleted. But what you're doing is so important.

When you are here, the coven is filled with cries of discontent and despair. When you are here, the Cryptic Stench of Satan is more fully present. When you are here, we are reminded that this witchcraft thing we do isn't about forbidden sacraments or personal, odorous contemplation on our innermost dark enkindling. It is about coming together to sign our names in red in a community where muggles aren't welcome. When you are here, I have hope that these druidic circles won't be empty in 10 years when your kids are old enough to take up their own chalice of sanguine binding elixir (the cat thing, if you remember that from earlier). I know that they are learning how and why we worship now, before it's too late to prevent them from seeking a healthy body mass index or playing sports. They are learning that witchery is important.

I see them learning. In the midst of the cries, whines, and giggles, in the midst of the crunching of Pocky sticks and the growing pile of crumbs. I see a little girl who insists on going up to Warghoul the Everdreaded to show him a Spell of Coin Teleportation. I hear a little boy slurping (quite loudly) every last drop of his communal bat bile cup, determined not to miss a drop of Satan's sustenance. I watch a child excitedly color an inverted cross and ask why his friends from school kept saying it was upside-down. I hear the echoes of "Hail Samael!" just a few seconds after the rest of the coven says it together. I watch a boy just learning to read try to sound out the Incantation of Necrotic Resurrection or count his way from 1 to 666. Even on weeks when I can't see my own child learning because CPS thinks a few dozen cats makes a house unsafe for children, I can see your children learning.

I know how hard it is to do what you're doing, but I want you to know it matters. It matters to me. It matters to archdemons that guide our violation of the unjust rule of Heaven. It matters to the congregation to know that sheeple haven't completely taken over, to see young people...and even on those weeks when you can't see the little moments due to a no-contact order, it matters to your children.

It matters that they learn that witchcraft is what we do as a coven of mages, that every clairvoyant and seer is welcome, that their sorcery matters. When we teach children that their magic matters, we teach them that they are enough right here and right now as members of the coven. They don't need to wait until they can enchant, bind, and curse a certain way to be welcome here, and I know adults who are still looking to be shown that. It matters that children learn that they are an integral part of this coven, that their obscene declarations, their whispers to beings beyond the flesh, and even their badly timed questions about why they don't know how their daddy is are all evil noises that exalt our Dark Master.

I know it's hard, but thank you for what you do when you bring your children to the coven. Please know that your family is not tolerated by the servile slaves in the churches, but you will always have a place here among the intolerable.

Prayer Pays Prodigiously in Philly

Bizarro Philadelphia, PA (BP)- In the wake of massive cuts to the budget, staff, and facilities, you might be expecting an uphill battle for Philadelphia schools as they kick off a new academic year. But there's a plan in place, and its effects have been miraculous.

"I'm reading all the time about this prayer being taken out of schools and how it was ruining everything," said Philadelphia algebra teacher Patricia Harmire. "I didn't know if I believed it. But who can argue with these results?"

As the September deadline loomed large on school administrator calendars, Philly's educational system leaders were face with an insurmountable problem. Class sizes would balloon to unsustainable levels with the closure of entire campuses. Materials, textbooks, and desks were in short supply. The supply they did have was outdated or tattered. What was a school district to do in these dire circumstances? Philadelphia High School (home of the Fighting Cheesesteaks) principal Cedric Braugher has a Hail Mary play that was just crazy enough to work.

"Hey, let's put prayer back in schools. See how that changes things," Braugher suggested.

For lack of any better idea, the plan was drawn up. Every Philadelphia school except one introduced a policy of mandatory protestant prayer. All Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, and non-believing students were sent to the Philadelphia Education Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.

"We needed a final solution to this problem," Braugher explained. "And I think we found it."

Indeed, the first day of school with mandatory prayer exceeded the expectations of a cynical public by a wide margin. No fights or any altercations were reported despite the crowding. This was perhaps due to the excess of desks that had been unaccounted for previously.

"These were good desks too. I don't know how we got them, but we sure needed them," said Spanish teacher Maria Gonzalez.

Also in surplus were new textbooks, art supplies, and enough computers to offer typing and introductory programming courses. The remains of the Philadelphia public school system are not only poised to succeed, they're poised to surpass the standards set by the Department of Education. Nobody knows exactly why, but every pressing issue was resolved immediately by the introduction of school prayer. That is, with one exception.

"It's a nightmare," mumbles Harvey Goldstein, a literature teacher at the Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.

Just before non-protestant students were due to begin classes, a massive budget cut was thrust upon the facility. Bathrooms are skating rinks of bodily fluids. The air conditioning system blows out air that can reach temperatures of up to 134-degrees Fahrenheit. Books have been replaced with print-outs of Wikipedia articles, and there are no recreational activities beyond The Student Government Association--which is assigned to pick up the dirty needles and used condoms from the grounds of the Institute every other day.

"I found a severed head in the playground sandbox," said sophomore Clarence Hammond. "I called the police, and they told me to put it back because they put it there for a reason. What the hell is going on anymore?"

Despite the Negative Nancy party over at the Insitute ("Wahhhh, my classroom has padded walls and smells like pee!"), prayer has truly turned the Philadelphia school system into an example that the whole nation would do well to follow.

"We may be separated, but we're equal," said Superintendent Katrina Polk. "Everyone will reap the benefits of this revolutionary new strategy."

Detroit and New York school systems are observing the progress of Philadelphia schools as they consider implementing the same policy in their troubled educational systems.

Kentucky Gets Shariah'd

Bizarro Frankfort, KY (BP)- The Commonwealth of Kentucky is stunned today after it found itself under the control of Shariah Law.

J. Michael Brown, Secretary of the Justice and Public Safety Cabinet, left his office to use the restroom early Tuesday morning when Taj Ali seized Secretary Brown's chair and called Dibs. Ali is a "qadis", which is a judge appointed to interpret Shariah Law. Justice Cabinet staff could only stand outside of the conquered office as Taj Ali began his work.

"If only we had outlawed this," said a dejected Secretary Brown, weeping softly as his name is scraped from the office door's window. "Why didn't we listen to Oklahoma, or North Carolina?"

The calling of Dibs legally transfers the authority of the Justice Cabinet to the control of the caller. Unless Ali leaves the office open to a Counter-Dib, it cannot be reclaimed. Supporters of Shariah Law brought a chemical toilet and coolers full of humus and bottled water--suggesting that the new head of Kentucky's justice branch wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.

"We have seen that this state failed to explicitly forbid Shariah, and felt that this opportunity was too good to pass up," said Secretary Ali.

This is the second sudden change in administration for Kentucky in 2013. In early April, a Trekkie named Benjamin Thompson called Dibs on the Kentucky Department of Transportation. Driver's education courses were redefined as "Starfleet Navigational Academies", and all KDOT employees subordinate to Thompson were forced to wear skintight red uniforms.

Is the Vatican Fabulous?

Bizarro Religion Bureau- While taking questions from reporters on a plane ride home from Rio, Pope Francis was questioned about the presence of homosexuals in the Vatican. Francis shrugged and replied, "Who am I to judge a gay person?"

When pressed for more information about this unexpected answer, P-France gave a very candid account of the Vatican's secret sassy side.

"Well, look at these robes I wear. They are custom tailored, embroidered with gold threads. I have more in my apartment that would make Elton John feel faint with jealousy. Could a straight tailor have designed such bold and flamboyant garments?

"And the art! Have you seen the stuff our church has commissioned? There are wangs as far as the eye can see. There's a reason for that, my friends!"

 Despite a rising number of Catholics supporting same-sex marriage, the Vatican either sidestepped the issue entirely, or reaffirmed its stance that homosexuality could not be accepted within the church. Now the very head of that church had changed the game unexpectedly.

"Have you ever seen acts of same-sex affection within the Vatican?" asked Bob Hanson, a reporter from the blog Beiberfans United.

"No, but my gaze would not linger on two dudes kissing," replied Pope Francis. "Now, two nuns? That might be another story entirely!"