A Bizarro Salute on Veteran's Day

Bizarro Post Veterans Administration- Hello, and happy Veterans Day from all of us here at the old B-P. You know, the great thing about this national holiday is that it's both cathartic and profitable. How? Allow me to elaborate!

Let's first acknowledge that nobody really gives much of a shit about actual veterans. The Department of Defense certainly doesn't. The VA is a shitstorm of incompetency, the upper-echelon is filled with corrupt bastards, and sexual assaults are still constant and unaddressed. Civilians definitely don't care either. Nobody will hire a veteran because of liability issues with PTSD, and all of their military credentials count for exactly jack shit in a civilian job market that measures merit by diplomas, degrees and certifications. If we, the citizens of America, were to think about our constant failure to do anything positive to fix any of these issues it would make us really sad! As someone who isn't directly affected by veteran's issues, it is my right to not devote any of my valuable emotional energy to things that are important to former armed service members.

That's what Veteran's Day is for, folks!

On one day, every year, we join together for ten or fifteen minutes to say "Thank you" for performing duties we only vaguely understand, if we're even legally allowed to understand their mission for risk of being assassinated by elite covert operations units. And after expressing our gratitude through clinical, sanitized phrases and rituals we can go back to not caring. Only now we've got the comfort of knowing that we pretended to care, if only for a little while.

And the profit! If religion is the opiate of the masses, purchasing items on the pretense of supporting veterans is the opiate of a guilty nation that wants to ignore its shame! Break out your POW flags, your bumper stickers, your patriotic pastries and crying bald eagle T-shirts! Millions of brave men died for your marketing opportunities. Never forget their sacrifice as you cynically profit from their demise!

After all, nobody really believes the whole "sacrifice for our freedom" thing. World War II? Okay, Germany did have a whole lot of U-boats off the east coast, and Japan was doing shit so heinous that they deny it to this very day.

But Vietnam? A giant fuck-you to Communism and the USSR that ultimately failed. Gulf War? We gave a CIA-appointed dictator a gentle spanking and went on our merry way. Iraqi Freedom? We removed that CIA-appointed dictator and replaced him with an unstable CIA-backed government that represents a power vacuum waiting to happen. Afghanistan? Oh, you wanted to take it back, Taliban? Well gosh, we're all kind of tired of occupying your country, so go right the hell ahead and move back in. All of these invasions, had they never taken place, wouldn't have effected America's "freedoms" in any way. In fact, thanks to the very military industrial complex responsible for executing those wars, we now have no guarantee that the government won't decide to murder us if we piss them off enough.

In summation, yeah, it's all bullshit. But it's our bullshit. It's real American bullshit. And God bless us all for continuing this proud tradition of disquieting self-deception.

Voice of the Bizarro People: PTSD Isn't Free

Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.

Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.

"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.

Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."

Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.

On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.

Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.

Starbucks Offers Veterans a Salute Involving Only One Finger

Bizarro Post Business Bureau- A stunned nation reacts with anger as Starbucks insults veterans an their spouses by offering them 10,000 jobs at their eateries.

"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"

As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.

Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.

In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.

Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Bizarro Insiders: Security Officer Pens True Account of Benghazi Incident

"Morgan Jones" is the pseudonym being used by a security officer and American contractor that witnessed the Benghazi attack for-real-real, and not for-play-play. Below, in his own words, is a brief account of what happened that day.
It all started in a bar, where I was drinking "Jimmy Beefslab", the most badass mercenary in the business, right under the goddamn table. He might have been fluent in the ancient language of Shit-Talk, but he handles his whiskey like a man whose liver's made of paper mache'.

The first shot cuts through the air, and I'm as sober as the pope.

"Some shit's finally going down, boys," I says.

And they're like, "Aw shit, down at the embassy? You need some backup?"

"Yeah," I say. "I'll need you to guard that bottle of whiskey until I'm finished kicking ass."

Next think I know, I'm jumping over the motherfucking wall of the American embassy, and it's like an Al Qaeda family reunion. All of the biggest, most hardass insurgents in North Africa were staring me down. So I figure, it's time to get this party started. And what'a a party without a pinata? Only nobody had the decency to bring one, so I had to use this insurgent's head and the butt of my rifle. And that's all it took to light a fire under his buddy's asses.

It was pure Matrix shit in there, the way I dodged those rounds. I was moving so quickly, I couldn't even shoulder my rifle. If I was going to survive this shitstorm, my black belt martial arts would have to do. My body flowed from evasive maneuvers directly into roundhouse kicks and haymakers. Even if those bastards had dental records, they'd be useless for identifying the bodies when I got done with them.

These terrorists were real pros. I could tell because they waited for me to leave before making their play. And because they decided to stop being retards just this once, there were American causalities. Goddamnit, I'm only one man with the strength of three. Obama knew that, but he neglected to teleport operatives in to keep things warm until I showed up. Yeah, I said "teleport." We can do that. How do you think Obama gets his crisis actors from place to place so quickly?

Anyway, I take a few minutes to scream at the sky while kneeling over the employees who fell victim to these scumbags before those scumbags had a chance to fall victim to my knuckles. But there was no time to mourn. I learned that Stevens had been transported by civvies to a local doc-shop to see if something could be done. Nothing could. Not until I was there, anyway.

Using the rooftops to bypass the roadblocks, I finally arrived in the overtaxed medical center where I shoved the bewildered doctors aside and performed High-Efficiency CPR for well over an hour. Alas, though my hands are instruments of death, they failed to return a life on that terrible day.

As I stood in that crowded trauma ward, I lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and put it out on my bicep. Now was not the time for tears, however manly those tears would have been. Now was the time for retribution.

A lot of people have made noise about me telling my employer that I was in my villa during the entire incident, and that I couldn't even get close to the compound after I hit the road blocks and decided to give up and go home. But you've gotten a taste of the truth today, my fellow Patriot. And if you want the whole truth, you'll do your civic duty and grasp it firmly in your hands. You may grasp it firmly at any store where fine books are sold for $29.99.

Editorial: Sodd Tarnes Unmasks a Commie Conspiracy

Sodd Tarnes is a professionally outraged pundit that frequents Christian Broadcast News and Fox News. His accomplishments include being really, really fat at one point and is deeply concerned about white people losing beauty pageants, but he's definitely not racist because I think he might have a black friend somewhere.
Soldiers attending a pre-deployment briefing at Fort Hood were told that Afghanistan wasn't what most Americans think. In fact, it was a training run to prepare American troops to throw evangelical Christians and members of the Tea Party into FEMA labor camps. And if there were any Christians to be found among the goosestepping Obamanazis? They'd be headed for the camps too.

A soldier who attended the October 17th briefing emailed me and identified himself as Lance Corporal Ura Fagot from the 4th Chan Battalion. According to this brave and honorable Fagot, the intelligence agent in charge of the meeting arrived at the meeting wearing a swastika armband, a banana hammock, and a pair of nipple rings. For half an hour, this agent of the Satanic New World Order condemned Tea Party Patriots and Evangelicals as subversives who had to be stopped. Ordinarily, I disregard emails sent from encrypted, anonymous accounts. But when I saw it came from a soldier, I knew that every word was authentic. To distrust a soldier is to spit in the face of every brave patriot who has served our country.

Attorneys with the Liberty Institute of Freedomy Justice have taken up the case of this brave whistleblower, though thus far he has only sent them photos of a crudely drawn smirking face. We're sure Corporal Fagot will rectify this technical issue soon.

"The American public should be outraged that the U.S. Army is leading a crusade against true American patriots," said LIFJ attorney Mitch Barry, a former Marine who would never forsake his sense of duty and justice for large payoffs from 501 C3's.

This Fagot told me he's terrified of being thrown into the Socialist Re-education Bunker beneath the streets of Chicago, but his "Ameri-boner" would not allow him to stand idly by and allow this injustice.

Another soldier who attended the briefing, by some strange coincidence, contacted me about the incident soon afterward. Private Rusty Shackelford insisted that as an evangelical Christian himself, he always carried "pocketsand" to protect himself from Obama's jackbooted thugs.

"This nation is dominated by the 'PC' police, who want us to have a seat over there in the partyvan," said Shackelford. "Real Amerifats have to take off every Zig, for great justice!" he continued, using some charming military lingo.

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council for Familial Families, insists that the Pentagon is on a Atheist crusade to destroy Christianity. Or he would have, if the cognitive dissonance between troop worship and Pentagon hatred hadn't caused a massive stroke. Dun wrry beddy! it hpprns to theeee bessttt f us.

An Army spokesman at the Pentagon insists that there is no list of organizations that the military considers to be extremist.

"We're not entirely sure what you're talking about. And we definitely don't have any personnel at Fort Hood with those names. Now for the last time, you fucking lunatic, stop calling my house," said Ron Weisenheimer, public affairs director at Fort Hood.

I sent the public affairs officer a list of loaded questions and drawings of the Earth soaked in the blood of sinners, but all I received was an arrest warrant in response.

Who will answer for these crimes against freedom? Who will serve as an ambassador for We the People? My friends, as I sit in my jail smell smeared with my own feces, I plan to send a strong message to the Communists running the American government that true Americans will not relent until we are given the respect and autocratic authority we deserve! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only legitimate entitlement there is.

Cairo: Military Melancholy as US Cancels Playdate

Bizarro Cairo, Egypt (BP)- Egyptian military officials have expressed "profound disappointment" in President Obama's decision to end bi-annual joint-military training exercises with United States troops indefinitely.

The announcement came after protest camps were dispersed by the Egyptian armed services using live gunfire. By Thursday, the death toll from intense street combat and strategically targeted journalists was well over 600. Despite the streets of Cairo running red with blood, Egyptian brass fully expected the international, cooperative war games with the United states to occur as scheduled.

"We have had complete support so far, why should we have expected this to change?" asked General Ayman El-Haddad. "Their tactical and weapons training have helped us a great deal in this campaign. We had hoped to learn more."

The Obama administration strongly rebuked that statement, asserting that using live ammunition to disperse protests has never been an acceptable tactic among American armed forces or law enforcement.

Civilian protests assembled worldwide to demand an end to the violence, and that the United States stop allocating billions in weapons and equipment for Egyptian military use. One such protest took place on the campus of Kent State University, where members of the Muslim Student Union and other concerned students united to call for an end to America's dubiously legal arms dealing. University police responded by firing beanbags, rubber bullets, and tear gas canisters into the crowd. Ten students were injured, and one bystander received a serious head injury after being struck with unidentified police ordinance.

"Who could have seen this coming? And on Kent's campus of all places!" shouted sophomore history major Maria Vecchio.

Medal for Manning: Cover-up King

Bizarro Fort Meade, MD (BP)- Bradley Manning was awarded the Crying Bald Eagle Medal of Liberty today for his outstanding cover-up work for the Department of Defense. 

Colonel Denise Lind announced the findings of an internal review before a crowd of Manning's supporters.

"We find that Bradley Manning, an intelligence analyst for the United States Army, has consistently prevented damaging information from being made public. The prestigious decoration bestowed on Private First-Class Manning is a small gesture of our gratitude. Your nation thanks you, sir."

During the darkest days of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, journalists hounded infantrymen, pilots, and officers for the details of how American tax dollars were being spent and what progress was being made. Suddenly, the Abu Ghraib scandal exploded into the public consciousness.

"Our men and women serving in that prison were pioneers in the field of torture," said former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "They were truly masters of agony, sculptors of screaming flesh. We were extremely upset that we got caught."

As the sordid photos and stories began to dominate media coverage, journalists found themselves convinced that there was more skeletons in the Pentagon's closet. And they were right.

In the shadowy interior of the military intelligence nerve center, Private First-Class Bradley Manning was in the center of it all.

"We had a close call every other day," said Manning. "Reuters was acting all pissy because one of our Apaches turned some of their employees into giblets. And I'm like, 'If a lady doesn't want to get assaulted, she shouldn't dress like a slut. And if a reporter doesn't want to get shredded by depleted Uranium rounds, he shouldn't walk outside in Iraq.' It's easy to understand."

Pictured: Manning poses next to a still from a video civilian scum don't need to worry about

Exposure of war crimes, journalist executions, and casual child murder would have soured international relations. Even worse, leaks had the potential to expose powerful locals cooperating with American interests--an offense that both Al Qaeda and the Taliban punished with extreme severity.

Captain Angel Overgaard, the man responsible for cataloging Manning's achievements, spoke about his relief when he heard the list of collaborators was safe.

"We've got a lot of powerful warlords in the region that have been more than willing to work with us, for some reason. Private Manning pulled their asses from the fire; maybe literally."

In exchange for their continued safety, the warlords have promised to discontinue heroin production and disarm after terrorism is defeated.

"We love American!" said Sectarian Deathlord Ghufran "Blood Baron" Samara. "I am taking the night classes for accounting. When terrorism is defeated, we shall go get honest employment."

According to exciting new reports, terrorism is on the ropes thanks to the efforts of soldiers like Manning. The Pentagon issued a press release last week suggesting that it had compelling information about the whereabouts of Fort Terror--a hidden compound where all terrorism is manufactured. Current Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel hints that the rumors are true.

"We're confident that the American flag will soon fly over Fort Terror," said Hagel at a briefing in late May. "The world will surely see what we stand for when that happens."

As for Manning, the analyst has been reassigned to a senior consultant position in the War on Drugs.

"I've got a hell of a lot of work ahead of me," said Manning after the ceremony. "But nobody covers up atrocities like me. I hope my name becomes synonymous with the act someday."