Bizarro Post Shady Ad Sales Bureau- Hello, Bizarro Post family. If you're anything like me, you're rich beyond all reason. So you probably aren't. But you can get one hell of a lot closer by doing one thing: Diversify your investment portfolio with gold!
But Bizarro Post editor, I don't have any investments whatsoever! "Diversifying your assets" sounds like something bad guys on TV shows say! True enough, but those bad guys are probably as rich as hell. If celebrity court cases and white collar crime have taught me anything, it's that being rich means never being responsible for the negative consequences of your criminal actions. You too can wield this mighty power with gold!
The meager collection of American currency you've managed to acquire through wage slavery is comprised of a thing called "fiat currency." Fiat currency is a monetary system that retains its value just because people believe it has value. There are no stable physical commodities backing up this money. Sounds insane, right? But it wasn't always this way!
There was a glorious time when America's monetary supply was backed by beautiful, glorious precious metal. It was a time where affordable labor could be bought for next to nothing at auctions. It was a time when only astute, land-owning gentlemen were allowed to vote in elections. A time devoid of illegal immigrants and petty political bickering! Believe it or not, your investment in gold is one small step back towards this utopia. So what are you waiting for? An invitation from the socialist in the White House!?
When fiat currency collapses due to massive inflation and society is in shambled, you're going to be glad you chose to hoard a big ol' chunk of glimmering gold in your crawlspace or bunker! Remember, fiat currency is only as valuable because people believe it is valuable. Shiny rocks are actually valuable because....I mean, come on, they're so goddamn shiny! No matter what bloodthirsty conclave you join after the upcoming nuclear Holocaust, your gold can be exchanged for goods and services absolutely anywhere. It's the universal symbol of value! Highwaymen and bandits have a long history of respect for men who carry gold on their person, because you've rejected the New World Order's system just like they have. Only you'll be going to Heaven with Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, and they'll be going to Hell with Communists like Ceasar Chavez and Mr. Rogers.
Don't take my word for it! Some of America's most beloved icons know that gold is where it's at:
-The Mario Brothers
-Blackbeard
-Goldfinger
-The Esteemed Lord Doctor Ron Paul
-Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps (Before the devil's grass claimed him)
-Scrooge McDuck
-Yukon Cornelius
-Professional Wrestler Dustin Rhodes
-George Castanza
-Mr. T
And think of all the practical applications that gold will have in a post-civility world!
-Forging chains, which hang low
-Paying tribute to Baal
-Building a Muisca city that is legendary among invading Conquistadors
-Making excellent headphone jacks
And that's just getting started! You'll be the talk of the wastelands when you wow the natives with your investment prowess, and then you're free to violently oppress them just like you always fantasized when you were bored at work!
If you're looking for a solid, stable foundation in this violently shifting modern world, an investment in gold is as good as.....gold.
Showing posts with label History. Show all posts
Showing posts with label History. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Iran's President: Eh, Maybe the Holocaust Happened
Bizarro New York, NY (BP)- In a surprising change in stance for the Islamic Republic of Iran's ruling theocracy, President Hassan Rouhani has sort of acknowledged that the Holocaust was a real event.
"The Nazis did a terrible thing to some Jews," said President Rouhani to a small group of American reporters. "I'm not going to say how many. I'm sure it was more than ten. Maybe less than twenty, I dunno. It was a pretty big dick move, though."
Iran is hoping that its moderate-ish leadership can be used to convince the United Nations to rescind economic sanctions against their nation. Holocaust denial has long been used as a psychological bludgeon against Israel by the ruling parties of Iran, and to deny the legitimacy of Israel's formation in territories that were already occupied.
When pressed about the specifics of the Holocaust, President Rouhani seemed reluctant to continue.
"Let us leave the specifics to the historians," he replied.
Let Me Google That For You has offered to assist the president in his search for answers. As of this writing, Iran's leadership has not responded.
"The Nazis did a terrible thing to some Jews," said President Rouhani to a small group of American reporters. "I'm not going to say how many. I'm sure it was more than ten. Maybe less than twenty, I dunno. It was a pretty big dick move, though."
Iran is hoping that its moderate-ish leadership can be used to convince the United Nations to rescind economic sanctions against their nation. Holocaust denial has long been used as a psychological bludgeon against Israel by the ruling parties of Iran, and to deny the legitimacy of Israel's formation in territories that were already occupied.
When pressed about the specifics of the Holocaust, President Rouhani seemed reluctant to continue.
"Let us leave the specifics to the historians," he replied.
Let Me Google That For You has offered to assist the president in his search for answers. As of this writing, Iran's leadership has not responded.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
To Catch a Temple Guard: With Chris Hairson
Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Investigative Report Bureau- It's been exactly 20 years since the world was introduced to Temple Guards on Nickelodeon's Legends of the Hidden Temple. A recent poll indicates that 94% of Americans believe that after the show's final episode, Temple Guards ceased to be a threat to America's children.
94% of Americans are dumb and wrong, with a 0.0% margin or error.
The Temple Guards are still out there, lurking in the dark while stalking young adventurers. Each year their numbers grow, and so too does the body count. Tonight we take the fight to the Temple Guards in our Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Special Report:
To Catch a Temple Guard: With Brisk Hairson
To learn more about our prey, we talked to Olmec, an ancient face of stone infused with the power of limitless trivial knowledge.
Hairson: Olmec, you've had three seasons worth of experience with these dangerous predators. What struck you the most about their behavior and tactics?
Olmec: Hmmmmmm....they did not rock. To calm them, they were given injections of horse tranquilizers to keep them stoned. But once the show ended, they were released into the wild, where they became much boulder.
Hairson: Olmec, how would we go about catching the elusive Temple Guards?
Olmec: You can start by visiting the Chatroom of Tween Adventurers! Assemble your profile, and you may descend into the underworld of the hidden Temple Guard. Use your Pendant of Life to subdue him, and then deploy the Handcuffs of Restraint. From there, you must take your Temple Guard to the Cell of Holding. Complete this journey within 2 minutes, and the grand prize is yours!
Hairson: Olmec, two weeks is just a fraction of our total production schedule. It's going to take that long for post-production alone. What is the grand prize, anyway?
Olmec: A Sony boombox, with cassette player and high-speed dubbing. Also, a $500 gift card to KB Toys and Circuit City!
With our newly acquired knowledge, the Bizarro Post team went to work on our quest. While our crack team of unpaid interns played Temple Games for our Token of Life, I paid a visit to the devoted volunteers at Perverted Archaeology. P-ARC director Sandy Stone was eager to begin.
"We've had a lot of experience enticing Temple Guards, but that was just to show the world that they were a real threat to the welfare of children everywhere," Stone explained. "I hope Bizarro Post's contacts in the Orlando Police Department can actually hold these monsters accountable."
And that's just what we planned to do. With the assistance of Perverted Archaeology communications specialist Nigel Crumplebottom, we entered the dangerous digital world of the Teen Tombraider Online chat room. The response was immediate. Posing as "SilverMonkey12", we caught the attention of Temple Guard "GrabnGoBoi".
(PRIVATE CHAT MODE ENGAGED)
SilverMonkey12: hay, how are u?
GrabnGoBoi: not much. just lookin for the wings of icarus. u?
SilverMonkey12: lol you better hurry, i mite beat you to it :-)
GrabnGoBoi: mayb lol! tell me about urself.
SilverMonkey12: im 12, i like to search of ancient treasure, and i live in orlando.
GrabnGoBoi: awesum! i'm in orlando too! we should get the icarus wings togthr!
SilverMonkey12: cool!
GrabnGoBoi: what you wearing?
SilverMonkey12: a yellow helmet, some fingerless gloves, and a mouthpiece. i got a blue barricudas shirt too.
GrabnGoBoi: whoa! i'm a blue barricuda 2! we should totally adventure together
Sicko that he was, this ruthless Temple Guard didn't stop asking until he finally pried the address from our investigator. Little did he know, he was heading right for a poison dart trap of justice. With the assistance of the Orlando Police, we set up a sting operation at a ruined temple in Orlando and waited for our predator to arrive. Our bait is actually 18 years old, and has a Pendant of Life to protect herself should anything go wrong. The safety of our staff and associates, as well as the suspect, has been carefully considered.
At our agreed upon time, the Temple Guard sprang from the nearby woods in all of his racially insensitive glory. Without hesitation, he made for the entryway of our trap temple. "GrabnGoBoi" is actually Oog, a veteran Temple Guard who has been known to hide in the Tomb of the Ancient Kings; no doubt doing unspeakable things to the bodies therein.
Oog: Hey little adventurer? Still don't have a Token of Life? I've got one right here that you can borrow!
Decoy: Just a minute! I'll be right out once I finish rinsing out my mouthpiece!
Oog: Okay! I shall wait in this entryway and partake of these cookies.
It was time to spring the trap.
Hairson: I'm Chris Hairson from The Bizarro Post, and you're on To Catch a Temple Guard. Why don't you have a sea--
Oog lunged at me, prepared to grasp my shoulders and pull me into the darkness. But I was ready. With a flourish, I brandished my hard-won (we lost three interns) Token of Life!
Oog: Give! You give!
Hairson: I will. But only if you sit down.
Oog: Whatever man say! Want Token!
As Olmec prophesied, the Token of Life soothed the creature. He sat in an ancient temple chair, smoothing his grass skirt for modesty.
Hairson: Oog, you're here to meet a 12-year-old adventurer here, aren't you?
Oog: Oog not know.
Hairson: I have the chatlogs right here, and they're pretty disturbing. Just make this easier for yourself and be honest.
Oog: Oog....just want to warn adventurer not to talk to stranger on internet when they not have Token of Life.
Hairson: So you just wanted to warn the adventurer? Because your name is Grab-and-Go. That's how you pronounce it, right? Didn't you plan to grab an unprotected adventurer and go to your evil realm of darkness? How old are you, really?
Oog: Oog is 3,000 years old. Oog....make mistake.
Hairson: I suggest you don't make it again, Oog. You're free to go.
But of course, Oog wasn't really free to go. Waiting just outside were police officers waiting to take Oog into custody. As of now, Oog has been charged with Conspiracy to Prevent Grand Prize Acquisition and Conspiracy to Commit Supernatural Kidnapping. We must remind you, Oog is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
We hope that this frightening special will serve as a warning to parents and young archaeologists everywhere. Two decades have passed since Viacom executives summoned the Temple Guards to this world, but they remain a threat to this very day. Keep your children close, and your Tokens of Life closer.
This is Chris Hairson, signing off.
94% of Americans are dumb and wrong, with a 0.0% margin or error.
The Temple Guards are still out there, lurking in the dark while stalking young adventurers. Each year their numbers grow, and so too does the body count. Tonight we take the fight to the Temple Guards in our Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Special Report:
To Catch a Temple Guard: With Brisk Hairson
To learn more about our prey, we talked to Olmec, an ancient face of stone infused with the power of limitless trivial knowledge.
Hairson: Olmec, you've had three seasons worth of experience with these dangerous predators. What struck you the most about their behavior and tactics?
Olmec: Hmmmmmm....they did not rock. To calm them, they were given injections of horse tranquilizers to keep them stoned. But once the show ended, they were released into the wild, where they became much boulder.
Hairson: Olmec, how would we go about catching the elusive Temple Guards?
Olmec: You can start by visiting the Chatroom of Tween Adventurers! Assemble your profile, and you may descend into the underworld of the hidden Temple Guard. Use your Pendant of Life to subdue him, and then deploy the Handcuffs of Restraint. From there, you must take your Temple Guard to the Cell of Holding. Complete this journey within 2 minutes, and the grand prize is yours!
Hairson: Olmec, two weeks is just a fraction of our total production schedule. It's going to take that long for post-production alone. What is the grand prize, anyway?
Olmec: A Sony boombox, with cassette player and high-speed dubbing. Also, a $500 gift card to KB Toys and Circuit City!
With our newly acquired knowledge, the Bizarro Post team went to work on our quest. While our crack team of unpaid interns played Temple Games for our Token of Life, I paid a visit to the devoted volunteers at Perverted Archaeology. P-ARC director Sandy Stone was eager to begin.
"We've had a lot of experience enticing Temple Guards, but that was just to show the world that they were a real threat to the welfare of children everywhere," Stone explained. "I hope Bizarro Post's contacts in the Orlando Police Department can actually hold these monsters accountable."
And that's just what we planned to do. With the assistance of Perverted Archaeology communications specialist Nigel Crumplebottom, we entered the dangerous digital world of the Teen Tombraider Online chat room. The response was immediate. Posing as "SilverMonkey12", we caught the attention of Temple Guard "GrabnGoBoi".
(PRIVATE CHAT MODE ENGAGED)
SilverMonkey12: hay, how are u?
GrabnGoBoi: not much. just lookin for the wings of icarus. u?
SilverMonkey12: lol you better hurry, i mite beat you to it :-)
GrabnGoBoi: mayb lol! tell me about urself.
SilverMonkey12: im 12, i like to search of ancient treasure, and i live in orlando.
GrabnGoBoi: awesum! i'm in orlando too! we should get the icarus wings togthr!
SilverMonkey12: cool!
GrabnGoBoi: what you wearing?
SilverMonkey12: a yellow helmet, some fingerless gloves, and a mouthpiece. i got a blue barricudas shirt too.
GrabnGoBoi: whoa! i'm a blue barricuda 2! we should totally adventure together
Sicko that he was, this ruthless Temple Guard didn't stop asking until he finally pried the address from our investigator. Little did he know, he was heading right for a poison dart trap of justice. With the assistance of the Orlando Police, we set up a sting operation at a ruined temple in Orlando and waited for our predator to arrive. Our bait is actually 18 years old, and has a Pendant of Life to protect herself should anything go wrong. The safety of our staff and associates, as well as the suspect, has been carefully considered.
At our agreed upon time, the Temple Guard sprang from the nearby woods in all of his racially insensitive glory. Without hesitation, he made for the entryway of our trap temple. "GrabnGoBoi" is actually Oog, a veteran Temple Guard who has been known to hide in the Tomb of the Ancient Kings; no doubt doing unspeakable things to the bodies therein.
Oog: Hey little adventurer? Still don't have a Token of Life? I've got one right here that you can borrow!
Decoy: Just a minute! I'll be right out once I finish rinsing out my mouthpiece!
Oog: Okay! I shall wait in this entryway and partake of these cookies.
It was time to spring the trap.
Hairson: I'm Chris Hairson from The Bizarro Post, and you're on To Catch a Temple Guard. Why don't you have a sea--
Oog lunged at me, prepared to grasp my shoulders and pull me into the darkness. But I was ready. With a flourish, I brandished my hard-won (we lost three interns) Token of Life!
Oog: Give! You give!
Hairson: I will. But only if you sit down.
Oog: Whatever man say! Want Token!
As Olmec prophesied, the Token of Life soothed the creature. He sat in an ancient temple chair, smoothing his grass skirt for modesty.
Hairson: Oog, you're here to meet a 12-year-old adventurer here, aren't you?
Oog: Oog not know.
Hairson: I have the chatlogs right here, and they're pretty disturbing. Just make this easier for yourself and be honest.
Oog: Oog....just want to warn adventurer not to talk to stranger on internet when they not have Token of Life.
Hairson: So you just wanted to warn the adventurer? Because your name is Grab-and-Go. That's how you pronounce it, right? Didn't you plan to grab an unprotected adventurer and go to your evil realm of darkness? How old are you, really?
Oog: Oog is 3,000 years old. Oog....make mistake.
Hairson: I suggest you don't make it again, Oog. You're free to go.
But of course, Oog wasn't really free to go. Waiting just outside were police officers waiting to take Oog into custody. As of now, Oog has been charged with Conspiracy to Prevent Grand Prize Acquisition and Conspiracy to Commit Supernatural Kidnapping. We must remind you, Oog is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
We hope that this frightening special will serve as a warning to parents and young archaeologists everywhere. Two decades have passed since Viacom executives summoned the Temple Guards to this world, but they remain a threat to this very day. Keep your children close, and your Tokens of Life closer.
This is Chris Hairson, signing off.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Syria-us Embarrassment for Hawks on the Hill
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- Even as John McCain (R-AZ) and John Boehner (R-OH) join Secretary of State John Kerry in supporting surgical strikes against targets in Syria for Assad's use of chemical weapons, the coalition of hawks have hit an embarrassing stumbling block inadvertently dropped by the CIA at the worst possible time.
Recently declassified CIA documents provide details on the United States' role in Iraq's war with Iran in the late 80's. American intelligence officials provided President Saddam Hussein's Iraq with maps of high-value targets and troop movements. American defense administrators also knew that President Hussein had access to stockpiles of mustard gas and sarin, and that he planned to use them whenever he found it beneficial to do so. Not only were there no objections to the use of chemical weapons by intelligence officials, the Reagan administration chose not to disclose their use at all. *Sad tromboonnneeee*
"Gosh, this is embarrassing," muttered Secretary Kerry, dabbing sweat from his vast forehead. "Kind of wish they'd sat on that one a little longer."
Saddam's possession of deadly, inhumane weapons was a chief motivating factor for pushing the war in Iraq, even as the ground conflict in Afghanistan trudged sluggishly onward. If the failure to find the notorious weapons of mass destruction wasn't humiliating enough, President George W. Bush was surely aware that if Iraq had banned weapons, it was because America allowed them to freely purchase and use them while he was still cooperating with the CIA. D'oh! *Wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhh*
"We're kind of hoping this whole story gets overlooked," said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. "Gadzooks, I sure hope Iran doesn't hold this over our heads!"
Yeah, about that: Another CIA document confirmed their already well-documented role in the Iranian Coup, which lead to rising Anti-American sentiments that ultimately lead to Iran's current theocratic and anti-west method of governing. They really should have "shah" that one coming! *rimshot*
Recently declassified CIA documents provide details on the United States' role in Iraq's war with Iran in the late 80's. American intelligence officials provided President Saddam Hussein's Iraq with maps of high-value targets and troop movements. American defense administrators also knew that President Hussein had access to stockpiles of mustard gas and sarin, and that he planned to use them whenever he found it beneficial to do so. Not only were there no objections to the use of chemical weapons by intelligence officials, the Reagan administration chose not to disclose their use at all. *Sad tromboonnneeee*
"Gosh, this is embarrassing," muttered Secretary Kerry, dabbing sweat from his vast forehead. "Kind of wish they'd sat on that one a little longer."
Saddam's possession of deadly, inhumane weapons was a chief motivating factor for pushing the war in Iraq, even as the ground conflict in Afghanistan trudged sluggishly onward. If the failure to find the notorious weapons of mass destruction wasn't humiliating enough, President George W. Bush was surely aware that if Iraq had banned weapons, it was because America allowed them to freely purchase and use them while he was still cooperating with the CIA. D'oh! *Wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhh*
"We're kind of hoping this whole story gets overlooked," said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. "Gadzooks, I sure hope Iran doesn't hold this over our heads!"
Yeah, about that: Another CIA document confirmed their already well-documented role in the Iranian Coup, which lead to rising Anti-American sentiments that ultimately lead to Iran's current theocratic and anti-west method of governing. They really should have "shah" that one coming! *rimshot*
Monday, September 2, 2013
Fascist Faces Felonies
Bizarro Hagen, Germany (BP)- 92-year-old former Nazi Waffen-SS officer Jakob Heppenheimer is on trial for allegedly shooting a Dutch resistance fighter to death just before the end of World War II: The Empire Strikes Back.
Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.
"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."
As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.
"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."
Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.
"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."
Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.
"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.
Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.
"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."
Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.
"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."
As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.
"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."
Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.
"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."
Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.
"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.
Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.
"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Culture War Tactics: I Have a Scream
Bizarro Post Internet Argument Bureau- As the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Dream" speech approaches, it's important to brush up on your inflammatory rhetoric so that you're prepared to show anonymous Internet assholes that you're the biggest dickhead of them all. Here are five great tips, followed by real-world examples from actual online communities!
1. "I have a dream that _____________"
If people remember nothing else about this speech, and they probably don't, the iconic line that became the rallying cry of a movement is easily co-opted into a vehicle for whatever political agenda you might be promoting. For bonus points, begin your post with "Oh yeah!? Well--" followed by your "remixed" dream speech. Another option is to insist that the "Dream has become a nightmare" or something similar.
Example: I have a dream that liberals will stop insulting Great Americans that only want freedom and prosperity.
Example: his "Dream" has turned into a nitemare for white working class americans.
2. Post-Mortem Puppetry
The great thing about dead people is you can rewrite their personality, agenda, and everything that made them who they were. What the hell are they going to do about it? Decompose at you? You can attribute any opinion to a dead person and nobody can prove you wrong, because they're dead! All they have are estimates based on that person's entire body of work, and who has time to read and comprehend books? Nobody! Be sure to proclaim the greatness of your stiff spokesman to bolster the credibility of the thing you're saying on their behalf.
Example: How many of you know MLK was a Republican? Think about it!
3. Denominational Domination
Arguments about religion are pretty much a given everywhere you go. A YouTube video about puppies? Religious debate in the comments. Amazon review of a One Direction beach towel? Religious debate in the reviews. This particular anniversary is advantageous because Dr. King was a pastor by trade. Now, you could look up what church he affiliated himself with and what his theological perspective was. But because nobody else will, you can freely use the late pastor's faith to promote anything you want. You can even use it to demonize a religion or sect that you hate!
Example: Martin Luther King Jr. was a sinister minister, a Satan-inspired impostor...NOT A CHRISTIAN!
4. I Have a Truncheon
Provided you're willing to express admiration for the deceased, the memory of beloved dead people can be used to bludgeon your opponents. It doesn't matter what King himself thought about your enemies, or if he even met them. It doesn't even matter if YOU'VE never met them. Bringing down the full force of Dr. King's credentials on your foes is a sure-fire way to get a few precious upvotes.
Example: Dr. King would be totally disgusted and appalled by the modern black civil rights leaders, Obama, and Holder INCLUDED. Dr. King wanted equality, mutual respect and understanding between the races, not hand-outs. Dr. King was a true visionary leader, Obama and Holder are nothing of the sort, the polar opposite of Dr. King.
5. The Nuclear Option
Oh damn, you were too slow on the draw! Now somebody's used the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. to make you look like a jabroni in front of all your faceless internet friend-surrogates. The only thing left is to go full scorched-earth and destroy their ownage at its foundation. Undermine the memory of Dr. King, and you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Example: Marchin' Lootin" and Killin' was also a communist....a member of sixty or so such organizations.
Example: King,the epitome of a media made icon.A man who's biggest accomplishment was the number of white women he bedded,a man who's only other discernible skill was delivering'convincingly,speeches written by others.Ironically,this is also the only skill that the current occupant of the white house exhibits.
1. "I have a dream that _____________"
If people remember nothing else about this speech, and they probably don't, the iconic line that became the rallying cry of a movement is easily co-opted into a vehicle for whatever political agenda you might be promoting. For bonus points, begin your post with "Oh yeah!? Well--" followed by your "remixed" dream speech. Another option is to insist that the "Dream has become a nightmare" or something similar.
Example: I have a dream that liberals will stop insulting Great Americans that only want freedom and prosperity.
Example: his "Dream" has turned into a nitemare for white working class americans.
2. Post-Mortem Puppetry
The great thing about dead people is you can rewrite their personality, agenda, and everything that made them who they were. What the hell are they going to do about it? Decompose at you? You can attribute any opinion to a dead person and nobody can prove you wrong, because they're dead! All they have are estimates based on that person's entire body of work, and who has time to read and comprehend books? Nobody! Be sure to proclaim the greatness of your stiff spokesman to bolster the credibility of the thing you're saying on their behalf.
Example: How many of you know MLK was a Republican? Think about it!
3. Denominational Domination
Arguments about religion are pretty much a given everywhere you go. A YouTube video about puppies? Religious debate in the comments. Amazon review of a One Direction beach towel? Religious debate in the reviews. This particular anniversary is advantageous because Dr. King was a pastor by trade. Now, you could look up what church he affiliated himself with and what his theological perspective was. But because nobody else will, you can freely use the late pastor's faith to promote anything you want. You can even use it to demonize a religion or sect that you hate!
Example: Martin Luther King Jr. was a sinister minister, a Satan-inspired impostor...NOT A CHRISTIAN!
4. I Have a Truncheon
Provided you're willing to express admiration for the deceased, the memory of beloved dead people can be used to bludgeon your opponents. It doesn't matter what King himself thought about your enemies, or if he even met them. It doesn't even matter if YOU'VE never met them. Bringing down the full force of Dr. King's credentials on your foes is a sure-fire way to get a few precious upvotes.
Example: Dr. King would be totally disgusted and appalled by the modern black civil rights leaders, Obama, and Holder INCLUDED. Dr. King wanted equality, mutual respect and understanding between the races, not hand-outs. Dr. King was a true visionary leader, Obama and Holder are nothing of the sort, the polar opposite of Dr. King.
5. The Nuclear Option
Oh damn, you were too slow on the draw! Now somebody's used the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. to make you look like a jabroni in front of all your faceless internet friend-surrogates. The only thing left is to go full scorched-earth and destroy their ownage at its foundation. Undermine the memory of Dr. King, and you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Example: Marchin' Lootin" and Killin' was also a communist....a member of sixty or so such organizations.
Example: King,the epitome of a media made icon.A man who's biggest accomplishment was the number of white women he bedded,a man who's only other discernible skill was delivering'convincingly,speeches written by others.Ironically,this is also the only skill that the current occupant of the white house exhibits.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Juvenile "Jeopardy!" Contestant Shames Nation
Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- As if Newtown did have it bad enough, Tom Hurley III completely blew it in the most shameful way on "The Kids Jeopardy!" when he misspelled the word "emancipation".
The question: "Abraham Lincoln called this document, which took effect in 1863, 'A fit and necessary war measure'"
Hurley revealed his wager of $3,000, and then his answer was uncovered.
"Jesus Christ, kid. Are you serious right now?" said an incredulous Alex Trebek.
Young Tom had utterly butchered the correct answer, writing "Emanciptation Proclamation". As the boy looked around at the host and studio audience it was clear he utterly failed to understand how dumb his mistake was.
"Check this out," said Trebek, now laughing hysterically. "This is exactly how a baby would try say 'emancipation' if you said it over and over in front of his face. How the hell do you put a 't" there, of all places?"
The answer, though technically correct, was not accepted because of Hurley's shameful inability to enunciate at an eight-grade level.
Hundreds of elderly people who clearly don't have any goddamn hobbies flocked to the "Jeopardy!" Facebook page to complain, though most of the messages were about Obama's socialism, Paula Deen's scandal, and other things that have jack-shit to do with children's trivia shows.
The show's producers released an email defending the decision made by Trebek and his staff.
"First of all, this kid wasn't going to win anyway. The other nerd had $66,600 for God's sake. And who seriously goes around calling themselves 'anything the third'? If you're not some kind of king or feudal lord, absolutely nobody cares. Furthermore, had we decided to reward him for his dumb-ass answer, we'd be sending a message to children across America that sucking as much he did is okay."
Following the show's taping, Hurley went home with $2,000 and immediately began complaining to anyone who would listen.
Meanwhile, thousands of infants just died of hunger in Africa.
The question: "Abraham Lincoln called this document, which took effect in 1863, 'A fit and necessary war measure'"
Hurley revealed his wager of $3,000, and then his answer was uncovered.
"Jesus Christ, kid. Are you serious right now?" said an incredulous Alex Trebek.
Young Tom had utterly butchered the correct answer, writing "Emanciptation Proclamation". As the boy looked around at the host and studio audience it was clear he utterly failed to understand how dumb his mistake was.
"Check this out," said Trebek, now laughing hysterically. "This is exactly how a baby would try say 'emancipation' if you said it over and over in front of his face. How the hell do you put a 't" there, of all places?"
The answer, though technically correct, was not accepted because of Hurley's shameful inability to enunciate at an eight-grade level.
Hundreds of elderly people who clearly don't have any goddamn hobbies flocked to the "Jeopardy!" Facebook page to complain, though most of the messages were about Obama's socialism, Paula Deen's scandal, and other things that have jack-shit to do with children's trivia shows.
The show's producers released an email defending the decision made by Trebek and his staff.
"First of all, this kid wasn't going to win anyway. The other nerd had $66,600 for God's sake. And who seriously goes around calling themselves 'anything the third'? If you're not some kind of king or feudal lord, absolutely nobody cares. Furthermore, had we decided to reward him for his dumb-ass answer, we'd be sending a message to children across America that sucking as much he did is okay."
Following the show's taping, Hurley went home with $2,000 and immediately began complaining to anyone who would listen.
Meanwhile, thousands of infants just died of hunger in Africa.
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