Bizarro Post Tech Bureau- Dust off those thick, ugly hipster glasses Mac-fans! With the usual Apple flair, the iconic brand rolled out the latest and greatest product in their line of novelty electronics built by 14-year-old suicidal Chinese laborers.
"The iPad Air will revolutionize home computing!" shouted Senior Vice President Phil Schiller at the product's unveiling. "It's got everything you love about our Macintosh desktops and laptops, only with a fraction of the space for hardware. It's got a touch-screen interface with a keyboard that you have to buy separately, and you'll look like a tool if you ever use it in public. It does everything our iPhones can do, only it's way less portable!"
To top it all off, the device features a low-resolution camera that makes you look like a moron when you take pictures with it. Seriously, have you seen the guys who go to press conferences with the president or to high-profile concerts and try to take pictures with one of these monstrosities? You can't tell me you don't cringe a little bit every time you see it.
The iPad Air will retail for a shitload of money. Purchase of the iPad Air qualifies you to be first against the wall when the Glorious People's Revolution takes place.
Showing posts with label Technology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Technology. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight
Man Happy With Cable Provider
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Chicken Soup: Treachery, Tactics, and Tubes
North Korea Casts Tragic Missile
Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.
"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"
Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.
"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.
A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."
The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.
Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.
"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.
National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.
The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."
Teen Hears "Call of Duty"
Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.
Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.
"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."
Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.
"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."
As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.
"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."
Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.
"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."
His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.
"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."
Billionaire Boob's Tube
Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.
The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.
The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.
Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.
"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."
Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.
Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.
"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"
Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.
"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.
A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."
The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.
Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.
"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.
National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.
The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."
Teen Hears "Call of Duty"
Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.
Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.
"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."
Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.
"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."
As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.
"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."
Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.
"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."
His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.
"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."
Billionaire Boob's Tube
Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.
The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.
The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.
Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.
"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."
Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Consumers Demand Targeted Marketing
Bizarro Marketing Bureau- As surveillance technology moves into the private sector, marketing departments are seeing a universal demand for targeted advertising.
"I always skip, block, or ignore commercials," said Frank Blackwell, 24. "If guys like Facebook or YouTube could just install tracking software on my browser and give me some commercials I'd like, that would change everything."
And that's exactly what marketing gurus have in mind.
"We're excited to introduce an entirely new algorithm that will deliver content based on the user's interests," said Facebook representative Shamfur Dispray. "Even better, we'll rotate your ads onto your friends' newsfeeds with your name on them. It's a great way to find new mutual interests and strengthen relationships on and off-line."
Google AdSense have already begun a trial program of this software, which quietly installs itself on any YouTube viewer that doesn't block Javascript applications.
"This is awesome!" wrote user ComeatmeBrahYOLO. "I get commercials for stuff I already got, but that's fine. It's like somebody spent millions of dollars to tell me that I have awesome taste over and over."
"I always skip, block, or ignore commercials," said Frank Blackwell, 24. "If guys like Facebook or YouTube could just install tracking software on my browser and give me some commercials I'd like, that would change everything."
And that's exactly what marketing gurus have in mind.
"We're excited to introduce an entirely new algorithm that will deliver content based on the user's interests," said Facebook representative Shamfur Dispray. "Even better, we'll rotate your ads onto your friends' newsfeeds with your name on them. It's a great way to find new mutual interests and strengthen relationships on and off-line."
Google AdSense have already begun a trial program of this software, which quietly installs itself on any YouTube viewer that doesn't block Javascript applications.
"This is awesome!" wrote user ComeatmeBrahYOLO. "I get commercials for stuff I already got, but that's fine. It's like somebody spent millions of dollars to tell me that I have awesome taste over and over."
Monday, July 29, 2013
Romney: I Didn't Say Anything About 47% of Americans
Bizarro Political Bureau- In an interview with the Bizarro Washington Post, Mitt Romney insisted that the controversial remarks he made about "47 percent of Americans" weren't his words at all. They were, according to Romney, the result of hacking.
In May 2012, during a private fundraiser only accessible by donors, a staff member secretly taped presidential candidate Romney's entire address. For the most part, the speech covered subjects that nobody cares about--including boring policy minutia and the usual investments in Chinese labor camps. Several minutes in, while talking about courting voters, Romney created a firestorm by profiling nearly half of the voting public.
Now, months after his sound defeat by incumbent Barack Obama, Romney told reporter Dan Balz [Editor's note: lol] that a malicious person or group manipulated his vocal cords in a high-tech act of sabotage. "I was talking about that Anthony Wiener guy when the subject of Twitter hacking came up. Apparently sometimes hackers enjoy making people say things they don't mean on Twitter and Facebook, so why couldn't they do that with me?"
Romney made political history twice by being the first android to govern a state and the first of his kind to enter the general election for the American presidency. Despite these personal triumphs, Romney's unusual physiology presented a number of challenges along the campaign trail. His emotion emulator was an older model, and Team Romney's pool of advisers frequently suggested that he upgrade his hardware to a module capable of processing sincerity. Those suggestions were shrugged aside by Romney, who wanted to project a rustic appeal. And besides that, an expensive upgrade would only reinforce the perception that Romney's wealth prevented him from understanding the plight of working Americans. Did the aging hardware and software leave the powerful android exposed to sabotage? Dr. Eggman Riley, "machinest of the stars", is skeptical.
"I suspect Governor Romney has access to extremely sophisticated unauthorized access countermeasures and encryption," said Dr. Riley. "Though I believe nothing is entirely hack-proof, manipulating a speech synthesizer would likely result in a deluge of nonsensical syllables. Programming and transmitting entire coherent sentences is not feasible."
Romney has not responded to the criticisms, and claims that the matter is being investigated. In fact, he seemed eager to test out his joke synthesizer in a statement made after the interview went to press.
"Those hackers, I bet you anything they would have Tweeted my genitals if they got the chance. Fortunately, I don't have any."
In May 2012, during a private fundraiser only accessible by donors, a staff member secretly taped presidential candidate Romney's entire address. For the most part, the speech covered subjects that nobody cares about--including boring policy minutia and the usual investments in Chinese labor camps. Several minutes in, while talking about courting voters, Romney created a firestorm by profiling nearly half of the voting public.
"And so my job is not to worry about those people [47 percent of Americans] -- I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."
Now, months after his sound defeat by incumbent Barack Obama, Romney told reporter Dan Balz [Editor's note: lol] that a malicious person or group manipulated his vocal cords in a high-tech act of sabotage. "I was talking about that Anthony Wiener guy when the subject of Twitter hacking came up. Apparently sometimes hackers enjoy making people say things they don't mean on Twitter and Facebook, so why couldn't they do that with me?"
Romney made political history twice by being the first android to govern a state and the first of his kind to enter the general election for the American presidency. Despite these personal triumphs, Romney's unusual physiology presented a number of challenges along the campaign trail. His emotion emulator was an older model, and Team Romney's pool of advisers frequently suggested that he upgrade his hardware to a module capable of processing sincerity. Those suggestions were shrugged aside by Romney, who wanted to project a rustic appeal. And besides that, an expensive upgrade would only reinforce the perception that Romney's wealth prevented him from understanding the plight of working Americans. Did the aging hardware and software leave the powerful android exposed to sabotage? Dr. Eggman Riley, "machinest of the stars", is skeptical.
"I suspect Governor Romney has access to extremely sophisticated unauthorized access countermeasures and encryption," said Dr. Riley. "Though I believe nothing is entirely hack-proof, manipulating a speech synthesizer would likely result in a deluge of nonsensical syllables. Programming and transmitting entire coherent sentences is not feasible."
Romney has not responded to the criticisms, and claims that the matter is being investigated. In fact, he seemed eager to test out his joke synthesizer in a statement made after the interview went to press.
"Those hackers, I bet you anything they would have Tweeted my genitals if they got the chance. Fortunately, I don't have any."
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