Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau- Millions flood the Capitol at gunpoint as America inaugurates President Joe Arpaio.
Arpaio rose from humble beginnings as the Sheriff of Maricopa County, where he presided over a massive jail with over 10,000 inmates. Most of them were waiting for trial, and had not been convicted of a crime. But Sheriff Joe realized that "innocent until proven guilty" is a concept promoted by liberal pussies and dangerous minorities. For years, Sheriff Joe righteously used his prisoners as his torture dolls. His devotion to justice was so great, he could often be seen rubbing his nipples in patriotic fervor while overseeing the torture of misdemeanor drug possessors and petty larceny aficionados.
Sheriff Joe won a landslide victory of President Barack Obama, even though Republican insiders were nervous about his tendency to flagrantly violate the Constitution. Further concerns were raised over his use of taxpayer dollars to buy a customized tank with his name on it so he had something to ride in parades (I'm fucking serious, look it up). But their fears were unfounded. The American public's lust for violent retribution against the pettiest of crimes allowed Arpaio to ride a giant American Justiceboner all the way to the Oval Office, where all portraits and busts have been replaced with art depicting Sheriff Joe's glory.
We salute Sheriff Joe as he prepares to enter the Joe House for his first term. The United Joes of Joemerica is a country born anew! No car will go unsearched! No door will go unkicked! No cavity will go unfingered!
Yours at gunpoint, this has been a Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau special report!
No comments:
Post a Comment