The Holy Prophet is the anointed servant of the Grand Overspirit. All hail the Holy Prophet!
Greetings, blessed children of the Grand Overspirit. I come to you now with a vital message, for now is the time for the world to know the truth. Why now? The Supreme Court of the United States is currently considering a case that could potentially allow corporations to bypass any number of laws based on their religious beliefs. What an incredible occasion this is for our faith to blossom as it never has!
Sadly, many lost souls have not heard the commandments of the Grand Overspirit. I hope I can rectify this to some degree with a crash course in the teachings of the Spirit.
-The Grand Overspirit reigns in glory, and is unequaled. However, at the Spirit's right hand are the chosen few. I, of course, am among them. Standing with me are the world's elite. I stand among the CEO's, the hedge fund managers, and the political elite. These people are blessed with incredible wealth and business prowess through the touch of the Overspirit. And thus, they are granted special privileges.
-Once a person is among the Spirit's chosen, they can never be allowed to lapse into poverty or bankruptcy. It is the job of the state to "bail out" the afflicted chosen, and to invest in their continued prosperity. Failure to do so represents an unconstitutional breach of religious liberty.
-For those who are not chosen, a life of diligent labor is required. Abiding by the Spirit's teachings will guarantee the non-chosen a place in the Holy Labor Camps, where they will produce inexpensive goods for the chosen. Failure to abide by the teachings assures damnation and eternal torment. The following acts are forbidden:
-Taking breaks, relieving oneself while on the clock, and any other activity that involves the cessation of labor.
-Unionizing, or speaking of labor unions in a positive light is grounds for immediate damnation.
-The Great Overspirit's infinite generosity permits a wage of $1 per hour for all American non-chosen laborers. No more. Less, however, is always a possibility.
-Healthcare is only permitted for the chosen. The non-chosen may use an assortment of leaches or medical bleeding devices to balance their humours. However, no hospitals, clinics, or medical practitioners are allowed to squander resources on the non-chosen.
-Along with protection against financial hardship, the government has several more obligations that it must meet if it does not wish to illegally violate our religious doctrine.
-Raising taxes on the non-chosen is permitted. Raising taxes or closing loopholes in ways that negatively affect the income of the chosen are mortal sins.
-All elected delegates must represent the best interests of the Church of the Great Overspirit and the chosen. Failure to vote in our interests is a violation of the 1st Amendment.
-The Great Overspirit wishes for all American law to be penned by chosen men who are active within the Church. All outsiders and non-chosen cannot be trusted to write legislation, nor do they have the supernatural knowledge needed to vote the correct bills into law. Any election that does not result in the election of a Church member is an illegal violation of our religious rights.
CEO's, executives, men or means! Please turn from your lives wrought with error and embrace the Church of the Great Overspirit. When the Supreme Court empowers us to a place of unquestioned authority, you can be at the forefront of our Church's proud movement. Official church membership cards are required. They can be obtained by making a tithe of $50,000 to the Prophet.
Showing posts with label Business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Business. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Kmart's Bleak Friday
Bizarro Post Business Bureau (BP)- After announcing their intent to open for business at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving, it has become apparent that Kmart still believes that people actively want to shop at Kmart at any point in time, much less first-thing in the morning on a national holiday.
"It's just sad, really," says shopper Corynne Runyon. "I mean, guys, maybe it's time to face the music here."
Since its meteoric post-2000 fall, the formerly formidable big-box retailer is an anemic shadow of its former self. The shelves are disheveled and often empty. Years worth of grime and dust accumulate in every corner and beneath every shelf. Items litter the ground, and abandoned carts languish throughout the building. Despite the conspicuous signs of decay, Kmart still remains convinced that they can pull out of their nosedive if they're willing to do the things that other retailers aren't.
"We sincerely believe that being open for business during Thanksgiving will revolutionize the retail holiday strategy, and our associates can't wait to share the holiday cheer with our beloved customers," said Kmart spokesman Harold Graham before his lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably. He rose and briskly walked from his office, waving away cameras as he sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
In defiance of all logic, Kmart has made no effort to make sure its inventory is replenished prior to the shopping blitz that follows Thanksgiving each year. Shoppers can expect empty shelves, products produced before they were even born, and a grim glimpse into business on its deathbed that stews in its own feces and refuses to pass away with dignity.
"It's just sad, really," says shopper Corynne Runyon. "I mean, guys, maybe it's time to face the music here."
Since its meteoric post-2000 fall, the formerly formidable big-box retailer is an anemic shadow of its former self. The shelves are disheveled and often empty. Years worth of grime and dust accumulate in every corner and beneath every shelf. Items litter the ground, and abandoned carts languish throughout the building. Despite the conspicuous signs of decay, Kmart still remains convinced that they can pull out of their nosedive if they're willing to do the things that other retailers aren't.
"We sincerely believe that being open for business during Thanksgiving will revolutionize the retail holiday strategy, and our associates can't wait to share the holiday cheer with our beloved customers," said Kmart spokesman Harold Graham before his lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably. He rose and briskly walked from his office, waving away cameras as he sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
In defiance of all logic, Kmart has made no effort to make sure its inventory is replenished prior to the shopping blitz that follows Thanksgiving each year. Shoppers can expect empty shelves, products produced before they were even born, and a grim glimpse into business on its deathbed that stews in its own feces and refuses to pass away with dignity.
Monday, November 18, 2013
A Special Message From Your Insurance Company
Your Insurance Company is the company that currently provides your health insurance. They join us today to deliver a very special message to you, their valued customer.
Hello, you, our valued customer. It's me, your Insurance Company. How are you? Good? For your sake, I hope you stay that way, because I'm writing you today to cancel your coverage.
You see, we're not a charity. We're not here to be your friend, or save your beloved family members from cancer. Our only objective is to make as much money as we can from you and your stupid, sick family. And thanks to some top-notch lobbying, the Affordable Care Act is forcing you to not only buy our products, but to buy the shitty new versions we decided to make now that there's no need to entice new consumers. We're going to get rich as hell, and by all rights you should be kicking down our doors. Fortunately, you're still blaming Obama, so that's nice. Don't get us wrong! He played into our hands easily enough, under the pretense of compromise. But we're the ones who stand poised to receive the limitless torrent of money that's legally mandated to come our way. All he gets is shitty approval ratings. How's that for a healthcare exchange?
Some of you may have had your hours cut due to the changing requirements for large corporate entities. The excuse for that, of course, is that the company simply can't afford to pay for your insurance and continue giving you minimum wage on a full-time basis.
Hahaha, can you believe you suckers bought into that?
Every single top executive in these multi-national conglomerates can afford to snort buckets of cocaine off the wood of the True Cross. They can afford to paint the Abercrombie and Fitch Fall fashion line on the figures depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They can afford to carve "I'm lovin' it!" on the moon with lasers. And they sure as hell can afford to pay their employees, like, 40-grand a year with full medical and dental coverage. Only the tiniest fraction of their astronomical wealth would be required. But they sure as shit aren't going to part with their hard-bribed gains, and neither are we.
The bottom line is this: You don't live in your country. You live in OUR country. You'll pay any fee, endure any penalty, and endure any prosecution we decide to throw your way. We're King Shit of Turd Mountain. You're a pile of cold diarrhea drying on the sidewalk.
Maybe one day you'll decide enough is enough. Maybe one day you'll storm our gates with pitchforks and torches, seeking to oust us like the Russian royal family or some CIA-backed middle-eastern despot. But when the militarized police demonstrate their loyalty to us, I wonder who's going to pay to fish the rubber bullet out of your eye socket. My advice? Get a good insurance plan.
With Questionable Sincerity,
Your Insurance Company
Hello, you, our valued customer. It's me, your Insurance Company. How are you? Good? For your sake, I hope you stay that way, because I'm writing you today to cancel your coverage.
You see, we're not a charity. We're not here to be your friend, or save your beloved family members from cancer. Our only objective is to make as much money as we can from you and your stupid, sick family. And thanks to some top-notch lobbying, the Affordable Care Act is forcing you to not only buy our products, but to buy the shitty new versions we decided to make now that there's no need to entice new consumers. We're going to get rich as hell, and by all rights you should be kicking down our doors. Fortunately, you're still blaming Obama, so that's nice. Don't get us wrong! He played into our hands easily enough, under the pretense of compromise. But we're the ones who stand poised to receive the limitless torrent of money that's legally mandated to come our way. All he gets is shitty approval ratings. How's that for a healthcare exchange?
Some of you may have had your hours cut due to the changing requirements for large corporate entities. The excuse for that, of course, is that the company simply can't afford to pay for your insurance and continue giving you minimum wage on a full-time basis.
Hahaha, can you believe you suckers bought into that?
Every single top executive in these multi-national conglomerates can afford to snort buckets of cocaine off the wood of the True Cross. They can afford to paint the Abercrombie and Fitch Fall fashion line on the figures depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They can afford to carve "I'm lovin' it!" on the moon with lasers. And they sure as hell can afford to pay their employees, like, 40-grand a year with full medical and dental coverage. Only the tiniest fraction of their astronomical wealth would be required. But they sure as shit aren't going to part with their hard-bribed gains, and neither are we.
The bottom line is this: You don't live in your country. You live in OUR country. You'll pay any fee, endure any penalty, and endure any prosecution we decide to throw your way. We're King Shit of Turd Mountain. You're a pile of cold diarrhea drying on the sidewalk.
Maybe one day you'll decide enough is enough. Maybe one day you'll storm our gates with pitchforks and torches, seeking to oust us like the Russian royal family or some CIA-backed middle-eastern despot. But when the militarized police demonstrate their loyalty to us, I wonder who's going to pay to fish the rubber bullet out of your eye socket. My advice? Get a good insurance plan.
With Questionable Sincerity,
Your Insurance Company
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Starbucks Offers Veterans a Salute Involving Only One Finger
Bizarro Post Business Bureau- A stunned nation reacts with anger as Starbucks insults veterans an their spouses by offering them 10,000 jobs at their eateries.
"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"
As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.
Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.
In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.
Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"
As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.
Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.
In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.
Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
GoDaddy! Discovers Rest of Internet
Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Internet hosting giant GoDaddy! has decided to end their racy ad campaigns after learning that they weren't the only website on the Internet that offered pictures of boobs in exchange for traffic.
"We came up with this strategy that seemed foolproof," said marketing strategist Ronald Charleston. "We showed some tantalizing videos on television, and promised additional nudity if they visited our website. Turns out, get this, that the internet actually has a ton of website devoted to nothing BUT nudity. And more, too! Like, there's people smearing all manner of things on each other and bullwhips, and whatever else those Germans can come up with. Very inventive, those guys."
GoDaddy! is no experimenting with an ad campaign that focuses on the services and goods that they provide to consumers in exchange for money, though analysts suggest that this approach is too unorthodox to appeal to millennial audiences.
"We came up with this strategy that seemed foolproof," said marketing strategist Ronald Charleston. "We showed some tantalizing videos on television, and promised additional nudity if they visited our website. Turns out, get this, that the internet actually has a ton of website devoted to nothing BUT nudity. And more, too! Like, there's people smearing all manner of things on each other and bullwhips, and whatever else those Germans can come up with. Very inventive, those guys."
GoDaddy! is no experimenting with an ad campaign that focuses on the services and goods that they provide to consumers in exchange for money, though analysts suggest that this approach is too unorthodox to appeal to millennial audiences.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Mickey D's Benevolence Backfires.
Bizarro Post Fast Food Bureau- As the economy crumbled, the fast food giant McDonald's was faced with a dire situation. How could they continue to pay their employees poverty-level wages without them coming to work looking like concentration camp refugees?
"We had a lot of very disloyal McDonald's Friends coming to work with distended stomachs and skeletal faces," said McDonald's pitchman Ronald T. McDonald. "Those sons of WHORES were having their little FAG children and giving them what food they could, with no consideration of my FUCKING corporate GODDAMN image! Whoo! Sorry, kiddos! Old Ronald is only a clown, and we Clownish folk got a lot of evil inside of us that festers like maggots in a putrid wound!"
After months of research, McDonald's rolled out a solution that seemed obvious to many. McDonald's makes cheap quasi-food, McDonald's needs to fatten up their cheap labor, therefore McDonald's can offer free food as a benefit to their employees with negligible impact on their bottom line or CEO bonuses.
Little did they know, the prize inside of these Happy Meals was Pandora's Box; primed for opening.
The free food policy began in 2009. But now, the consequences are abundantly clear. Thousands of employees suffer from failure in various organs. Nearly all of them are morbidly obese and diabetic, or pre-diabetic. Performing an study on employee mortality became a subject of intense interest in the scientific community, and the results are unsurprising, sadly.
"I can tell you right now that this lifestyle McDonald's is promoting is not sustainable, at least not for their company. If mortality rates remain at 32 for males and 35 for females, they'll be critically understaffed within the decade," said Applied Health Research researcher Dr. Johan Casper.
Neo-liberal economists are not buying this projection, insisting that there will always be enough fodder for the McDonald's meat grinder. With globalization reducing wages and opportunities in nearly every sector of the American economy, they may just be right.
"I don't see why I'm supposed to have sympathy for these...people," said noted lower-middle-class asshole Francis Farley. "It's easy to go back to school and learn an actual trade. There's no reason why these people should be paid more for unskilled labor, even if they've been a model employee for over a decade!"
As of this writing, Farley has been laid off from his management position at an automotive part company, missed several of his mortgage payments, and is now homeless. Rumor has it that Farley has a large number of gold coins hidden in his chest cavity, if any industrious hobos out there have a shiv or two lying around. Just saying.
"We had a lot of very disloyal McDonald's Friends coming to work with distended stomachs and skeletal faces," said McDonald's pitchman Ronald T. McDonald. "Those sons of WHORES were having their little FAG children and giving them what food they could, with no consideration of my FUCKING corporate GODDAMN image! Whoo! Sorry, kiddos! Old Ronald is only a clown, and we Clownish folk got a lot of evil inside of us that festers like maggots in a putrid wound!"
After months of research, McDonald's rolled out a solution that seemed obvious to many. McDonald's makes cheap quasi-food, McDonald's needs to fatten up their cheap labor, therefore McDonald's can offer free food as a benefit to their employees with negligible impact on their bottom line or CEO bonuses.
Little did they know, the prize inside of these Happy Meals was Pandora's Box; primed for opening.
The free food policy began in 2009. But now, the consequences are abundantly clear. Thousands of employees suffer from failure in various organs. Nearly all of them are morbidly obese and diabetic, or pre-diabetic. Performing an study on employee mortality became a subject of intense interest in the scientific community, and the results are unsurprising, sadly.
"I can tell you right now that this lifestyle McDonald's is promoting is not sustainable, at least not for their company. If mortality rates remain at 32 for males and 35 for females, they'll be critically understaffed within the decade," said Applied Health Research researcher Dr. Johan Casper.
Neo-liberal economists are not buying this projection, insisting that there will always be enough fodder for the McDonald's meat grinder. With globalization reducing wages and opportunities in nearly every sector of the American economy, they may just be right.
"I don't see why I'm supposed to have sympathy for these...people," said noted lower-middle-class asshole Francis Farley. "It's easy to go back to school and learn an actual trade. There's no reason why these people should be paid more for unskilled labor, even if they've been a model employee for over a decade!"
As of this writing, Farley has been laid off from his management position at an automotive part company, missed several of his mortgage payments, and is now homeless. Rumor has it that Farley has a large number of gold coins hidden in his chest cavity, if any industrious hobos out there have a shiv or two lying around. Just saying.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bizarro Guests: Check THIS Privilege!
Bizarro Post Edgy Libertarian Bureau- What do you suggest I do about my privilege, you bottom-feeding degenerates?
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Editorial: Inquiring Globe Chief Names His Beef
Chris Powers is the Editor in Chief of The Inquiring Globe, the sole surviving newspaper in the town of Centralia, Pennsylvania.
Journalism is all a'bonered over Jeff Bezos acquiring The Washington Post, insisting that his genius and innovative spirit will keep the long-running publication alive through this grim era. I am now coughing while muttering "bullshit."
Amazon might be an unstoppable titan of internet commerce, true. But its entire model of success is dependent on tax evasion, and not the cool kind with the Cayman Islands and hedge funds. With the efforts of my friends in the lobbying business, enough palms will be greased that Bezos no longer gets to ride the gravy train without paying for his ticket. Then his digital news revolution will fail, just like the rest. The truth is, the internet isn't killing print media, and it isn't nearly as powerful as many would have you believe. I assert that there is another party at fault for our noble institution's decline.
It's you, dear reader.
You insist that news isn't worth anything unless you can switch to quasi-legal Brazilian pornography whenever you get bored halfway through an article. Nothing is worth knowing unless it can be condensed into a lolcatz image. Reddit claims to be the front page of the internet, but it has sadly become the first and last page of an entire new generation of pony-cartoon-watching manchildren. A generation whose outage at political corruption and violent crime is tempered by unlimited access to disturbing Japanese fetish comics.
And you assholes that raised this "millennial" generation aren't blameless either. You've chosen to raise your stunted children in single-parent households because of made-up boogeymen like domestic violence and spousal mortality. You've chosen to have children you couldn't afford. You've chosen to wait until you're in your late 30's to replenish our nation's population because you "couldn't afford" to have a child earlier, so you're putting the fetus at an increased risk for autism and other disorders (how irresponsible can you get!?).
Am I the only one noticing that people are getting dumber? I see all these reality shows, and I read all these positive reviews of movies I don't like, and it seems abundantly clear that I am an oasis of knowledge in a desert of fools. Why aren't you idiots voting, by the way? 65% of you aren't voting in state elections! Get off your asses, you simpletons, and choose our elected officials as a citizen should!
Enlightened society is crumbling. Civic engagement is receding with the release of another vapid pop song every other day.
You sons of bitches who "work too much" to join your local Rotary Club or Freemasons chapters are scum, and don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You welfare queen whores who decide to reject the firm leadership of a male head of household don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You illiterate morons who never learned to read because of terrible public education systems or Down's Syndrome can burn in Hell, because you don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You probably couldn't even afford a subscription for my love letter to old-school journalism, you desperately poor fucks.
You don't want to buy my paper? Fuck you. You don't deserve my paper. Nobody deserves this sexy, savvy editor's masterwork. Enjoy your Soduku and Yoga and Twerking. I'll just be here in my ivory tower like the golden god of journalism that I am. Feel free to join me if you ever learn to wipe your own ass without a Wikihow article.
Journalism is all a'bonered over Jeff Bezos acquiring The Washington Post, insisting that his genius and innovative spirit will keep the long-running publication alive through this grim era. I am now coughing while muttering "bullshit."
Amazon might be an unstoppable titan of internet commerce, true. But its entire model of success is dependent on tax evasion, and not the cool kind with the Cayman Islands and hedge funds. With the efforts of my friends in the lobbying business, enough palms will be greased that Bezos no longer gets to ride the gravy train without paying for his ticket. Then his digital news revolution will fail, just like the rest. The truth is, the internet isn't killing print media, and it isn't nearly as powerful as many would have you believe. I assert that there is another party at fault for our noble institution's decline.
It's you, dear reader.
You insist that news isn't worth anything unless you can switch to quasi-legal Brazilian pornography whenever you get bored halfway through an article. Nothing is worth knowing unless it can be condensed into a lolcatz image. Reddit claims to be the front page of the internet, but it has sadly become the first and last page of an entire new generation of pony-cartoon-watching manchildren. A generation whose outage at political corruption and violent crime is tempered by unlimited access to disturbing Japanese fetish comics.
And you assholes that raised this "millennial" generation aren't blameless either. You've chosen to raise your stunted children in single-parent households because of made-up boogeymen like domestic violence and spousal mortality. You've chosen to have children you couldn't afford. You've chosen to wait until you're in your late 30's to replenish our nation's population because you "couldn't afford" to have a child earlier, so you're putting the fetus at an increased risk for autism and other disorders (how irresponsible can you get!?).
Am I the only one noticing that people are getting dumber? I see all these reality shows, and I read all these positive reviews of movies I don't like, and it seems abundantly clear that I am an oasis of knowledge in a desert of fools. Why aren't you idiots voting, by the way? 65% of you aren't voting in state elections! Get off your asses, you simpletons, and choose our elected officials as a citizen should!
Enlightened society is crumbling. Civic engagement is receding with the release of another vapid pop song every other day.
You sons of bitches who "work too much" to join your local Rotary Club or Freemasons chapters are scum, and don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You welfare queen whores who decide to reject the firm leadership of a male head of household don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You illiterate morons who never learned to read because of terrible public education systems or Down's Syndrome can burn in Hell, because you don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You probably couldn't even afford a subscription for my love letter to old-school journalism, you desperately poor fucks.
You don't want to buy my paper? Fuck you. You don't deserve my paper. Nobody deserves this sexy, savvy editor's masterwork. Enjoy your Soduku and Yoga and Twerking. I'll just be here in my ivory tower like the golden god of journalism that I am. Feel free to join me if you ever learn to wipe your own ass without a Wikihow article.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Wal-Mart Puts Sweat Back in America's Shop
Bizarro Business Bureau-In a star-spangled spectacle, Wal-Mart chief executive Bill Simon announced that their massive retail chain would strive to include American-made products in a push to revive the nation's flagging economy.
"America needs more good, middle-class jobs to live happily and raise healthy families!" Simon says. "Too bad about that, really. Sucks to be you!"
Starting in 2014, Wal-Mart plans to take many of their sweatshop operations and relocate them throughout the American south, where governors are more likely to be receptive to Wal-Mart's neo-liberal economic model.
When asked about what will happen to the Vietnamese orphans and Chinese indentured laborers that would lose their jobs, Simon shrugged. "There's always the prostitution industry."
Interested in these exciting new jobs coming your way? Here's what you need to know:
-Ages 5-80 are eligible for employment.
-Starting pay is not having your legs broken by private security. After a 90-day probationary period, pay is increased to $0.04 an hour. Pending a positive annual evaluation, pay can be increased yearly as much as .000006%.
-Positions are 90 hours a week. Overtime pay is not provided. Breaks are provided when worker collapses, and continue until beatings awaken the employee. A five minute break is scheduled every day at noon for distribution and consumption of semi-edible nutrient bricks and whatever water is collected in rain barrels.
-Communal dormitories are provided by your generous benefactors. Leaving is not permitted. Guard towers monitor all ingress and egress for unauthorized departures. Violators will be shot and rendered into True Value dog food.
-Guaranteed promotions, in that death is favorable to remaining employed at a Wal-Mart manufacturing facility.
"America needs more good, middle-class jobs to live happily and raise healthy families!" Simon says. "Too bad about that, really. Sucks to be you!"
Starting in 2014, Wal-Mart plans to take many of their sweatshop operations and relocate them throughout the American south, where governors are more likely to be receptive to Wal-Mart's neo-liberal economic model.
When asked about what will happen to the Vietnamese orphans and Chinese indentured laborers that would lose their jobs, Simon shrugged. "There's always the prostitution industry."
Interested in these exciting new jobs coming your way? Here's what you need to know:
-Ages 5-80 are eligible for employment.
-Starting pay is not having your legs broken by private security. After a 90-day probationary period, pay is increased to $0.04 an hour. Pending a positive annual evaluation, pay can be increased yearly as much as .000006%.
-Positions are 90 hours a week. Overtime pay is not provided. Breaks are provided when worker collapses, and continue until beatings awaken the employee. A five minute break is scheduled every day at noon for distribution and consumption of semi-edible nutrient bricks and whatever water is collected in rain barrels.
-Communal dormitories are provided by your generous benefactors. Leaving is not permitted. Guard towers monitor all ingress and egress for unauthorized departures. Violators will be shot and rendered into True Value dog food.
-Guaranteed promotions, in that death is favorable to remaining employed at a Wal-Mart manufacturing facility.
Dire Distraction From Hidden Attraction
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- The government might be limping along with a skeleton crew, but the rent boy industry is booming near the capitol.
"It's just beyond awesome! My tuition is as good as paid if this goes on for a couple more days!" said male escort Rocky Handstrong.
Now that the media's attention is constantly demanded by the worsening political and financial crisis gripping the federal government, the only publications dedicating staff to catching Republican political figures having sweaty, meth-fueled man orgies are the ones that feature interviews with "highly influential" indie bands nobody that has ever heard of.
"We've dismissed all of our young, supple pages and interns because they're non-essential personnel," said a conservative Congressman who did not wish to be identified. "But the local callboys have really stepped up to--pardon the innuendo--fill the gap. It's always a joy to support American industry as well!"
"It's just beyond awesome! My tuition is as good as paid if this goes on for a couple more days!" said male escort Rocky Handstrong.
Now that the media's attention is constantly demanded by the worsening political and financial crisis gripping the federal government, the only publications dedicating staff to catching Republican political figures having sweaty, meth-fueled man orgies are the ones that feature interviews with "highly influential" indie bands nobody that has ever heard of.
"We've dismissed all of our young, supple pages and interns because they're non-essential personnel," said a conservative Congressman who did not wish to be identified. "But the local callboys have really stepped up to--pardon the innuendo--fill the gap. It's always a joy to support American industry as well!"
Monday, September 30, 2013
Wal-Shabob Terrorizes Part-Timers
Bizarro Terror Bureau- Paramilitary group Wal-Shabob has released a disturbing new video claiming to show a hostage paycheck laying before heavily armed, masked partisans. The group has threatened to dismember the check, belonging to 83-year-old door greeter Marilyn Wilson, if their demands are not met.
One of the insurgents spoke to the camera, gesturing angrily with his finger in the air. "We demand the end to subsidized healthcare. It must be entirely privatized! We demand that the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement be enacted! We demand the ability to sell products from any sweatshop we desire, and the freedom to treat our employees with the respect they deserve by making Right to Work a federal law. Americans deserve the right to work with no protection, and they deserve the right to be fired for any reason with no notice. Agree to this, or the check will face the consequences."
A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.
"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.
Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.
Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.
"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"
The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.
"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."
Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.
"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"
ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.
Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."
Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.
"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."
The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.
"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."
They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.
A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.
"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.
Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.
Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.
"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"
The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.
"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."
Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.
"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"
ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.
Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."
Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.
"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."
The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.
"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."
They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Myrtle Beach Strips the Strand of Strippers
Bizarro Myrtle Beach, SC (BP)- Horry County, home to the tourist destination of Myrtle Beach, has passed two new ordinances that effectively ban strip clubs from the entire county.
"I'd like to think of this as a place for families," said a supporter of the new regulations who has God only knows what lurking in his hard drives.
Adult bar owners were also present to advocate for the continued existence of strip clubs in Myrtle Beach.
"I came to this place with a dream over a decade ago," sleazed Tiddy Bare Factory owner Lance DeSilva. "I had a dream where white strippers and black strippers could join hands, and also legs, and sometimes tongues."
Besides opposing the businesses on moral grounds, strip club critics contend that the bars have a tendency to raise crime rates and attract violent offenders to the Myrtle Beach area.
Under these new ordinances, entertainers are no longer permitted to be partially nude while on the job. Adult businesses also cannot be built within 1500 feet of a church. Gosh, shouldn't the people in the congregation be able to resist temptation a little more easily than that? Just throwing that out there!
Now that strip clubs are prohibited, Myrtle Beach's primary tourist industry will be golf. As for people who aren't both rich and white, there's meth, Spice, beaches that are mostly raw sewage, YOLO shirts, and a diverse, vibrant homeless population.
"I'd like to think of this as a place for families," said a supporter of the new regulations who has God only knows what lurking in his hard drives.
Adult bar owners were also present to advocate for the continued existence of strip clubs in Myrtle Beach.
"I came to this place with a dream over a decade ago," sleazed Tiddy Bare Factory owner Lance DeSilva. "I had a dream where white strippers and black strippers could join hands, and also legs, and sometimes tongues."
Besides opposing the businesses on moral grounds, strip club critics contend that the bars have a tendency to raise crime rates and attract violent offenders to the Myrtle Beach area.
Under these new ordinances, entertainers are no longer permitted to be partially nude while on the job. Adult businesses also cannot be built within 1500 feet of a church. Gosh, shouldn't the people in the congregation be able to resist temptation a little more easily than that? Just throwing that out there!
Now that strip clubs are prohibited, Myrtle Beach's primary tourist industry will be golf. As for people who aren't both rich and white, there's meth, Spice, beaches that are mostly raw sewage, YOLO shirts, and a diverse, vibrant homeless population.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Bullying Brings Benefits for Enterprising Teen
Bizarro Business Bureau- When most people consider the phenomenon of cyber-bullying, most people think back to the tragic news stories of friendships and lives lost through constant harassment through social media. As the digital age advances, bullies have kicked off a new trend that brings old-school bullying to the lawless online frontier.
Brent Ashcroft, 15, has been a bully for as long as he can remember.
"Typical story, really. Alcoholic father, hyper-religious mother. I found a source of empowerment in putting kids down," said Brent. "One day I was reading my digital edition of 'Bully's Digest' on my smartphone during study hall, and there was this story about old-school lunch money shakedowns. I was like, damn, there's a sweet racket!"
Things have changed since the golden era of bullying. Increased security has lead to armed safety officers patrolling the halls, and surveillance cameras can provide instant evidence in bullying claims. Zero tolerance measures have expanded to include all forms of violence instead of only shooting and bomb threats. As a result, criminal prosecution is a real possibility.
"The lunch money bit isn't shrugged off like it used to be," said Brent. "You could be looking at arrest over a couple bucks. There had to be a way to change the game, and that's where the Internet came in."
Brent's plan was fiendishly simple. First, he would use conventional bullying tactics to goad his prey into a state of submission to his will. Then, instead of demanding cash money in exchange for their continued welfare, he would direct the targets to visit a website he set up with a number of anti-bullying packages to choose from. For example:
-$2.00 purchases 3-days of no threats and intimidation.
-$5.00 purchases a week of peace
-$15.00 purchases a month of zero interaction with Brent.
A VIP package is also offered for $200. Purchasing this plan will grant you complete immunity from Brent's infamous beatdowns for an entire year. Since the revenue goes to a Paypal account rather than into his pocket, there's no evidence for school resource officers to find and no footage of paper currency being forcibly taken.
"These plans are backed up by my word, and that's all they need. If I'm not fulfilling my obligations, why would anyone keep purchasing my services?" Brent explained.
It's been six months since the innovative business was launched, and the revenue is already well into the thousands. Brent has since signed an agreement with two other bullies at his school, diversifying his products by offering immunity from the attention of specific bullies on an à la carte basis.
"If we play our cards right and continue to invest in competent business-savvy bullies, I'm willing to bet I can cover my tuition for college," said Brent, grinning. "College, man. I never would have dreamed about it before all this. And now my whole future's opened up, as long as business stays strong. And it goddamn well better, or I'll stomp your bitch ass. I've got a switchblade in my boot, too. Give me a reason to pull it out, asshole. I'll fucking end you."
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Washington Demands Less TP on TV
Bizarro Washington, DC (BP)- Toilet paper moguls squared off today
against a committee of top lawmakers who want to see the industry's
"dirty" advertisements wiped away.
"The other day I saw a juvenile cartoon bear walking
around with pieces of toilet paper adhering to his posterior," said
Darrell Issa (R-CA). "We know what's making that paper stick to him,
just as much as you know that I'm trying to eat dinner while you're
airing this obscenity!"
The hearing was short on questions, and long on
condemnations as political elites stood in line to take a swipe at the
wipes. Representatives of Charmin seemed confused about the whole
affair.
"Consumers love cheeky marketing," said Charmin spokesman
Dio Reya. "Our customers know that when you're dropping the brown,
you'll want Charmin around!"
"Christ, is there a way you can avoid doing that when I'm in earshot?" exclaimed Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-OH)
Among the probed was Georgia Pacific, whose Quilted Northern tissue spots were difficult for the officials to absorb.
"You've got this kid holding your product and
talking about 'never leaving pieces behind'. I've been around awhile,
and that has never been something I've encountered," said Rep. Adam
Schiff (D-CA).
"What can I say, sir?" replied marketing manager
Ghotta F. Art. "When the dingleberry's stickin', it's Northern you'll be
pickin'!"
A recess was declared.
"I can't believe these people. They're sadists," said a young intern in attendance.
With
great reluctance, the hearing reconvened. The final topic of discussion
was the wet wipe, a product that the toiletry industry was pushing
hard. However, this line of questioning did not last long.
"Wet wipes are revolutionizing the world of personal
hygiene," said Reya. "I mean, when you're trying to get peanut butter
out of a carpet, you're not going to use a dry rag!"
And with that, the legislators had their fighting
spirit flushed. The hearing was adjourned after the manufacturers agreed
to a fraction of the committee's requests.
-The patriarch of the Charmin Bears will no longer rub his face into the family's toilet paper roll while moaning.
-"Pieces left behind" are not a thing. The
commercials will continue with a disclaimer warning parents that
checking their child's posterior for the aforementioned "pieces" would
look very bad if relayed to a law enforcement official.
-The phrase "enjoy the go" is retired. If the
happiest moments of your life are spent on the toilet, it's time to
reevaluate your life.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Fracking Leads to Supersoaker Revival
Bizarro Business Bureau- An hour outside of Bizarro Cleveland, the Brigham family were surprised to receive a phone call from international oil company Crude Awakenings. In exchange for being allowed to drill on their land, the Brighams would instantly become the wealthiest people in their rural township.
"We were blown away, you know?" said Adam Brigham, 48. "I saw 'The Beverley Hillbillies' just like anyone else, but I didn't know things like that happened for real. Especially not to me."
Adam discussed the offer with his wife, Gloria Brigham, 46, who was instantly reluctant.
"We needed the money, of course," Gloria said. "But our son showed me a video of a man lighting his tap on fire after they started drilling on his land. What happens when you drink that stuff? And how am I supposed to smoke in the shower anymore?"
Drew Brigham, 14, wasn't told just how much Crude Awakening had offered, but he overheard conversations that left him anticipating big things.
"My first car is going to be badass! And I won't have to settle for the gross chicks for homecoming dances anymore, after I step into class with Air Force Ones and platinum chains. It's gonna be fly as hell! Course, I'm going to tell my parents that I want a college fund."
It wasn't long before Crude Awakenings called again, likely intending to up the pressure and drop hints about imminent domain procedures. But they needn't have bothered. Adam Brigham decided to sell.
Gloria's sudden change of heart sealed the deal. "Drew came up to me in tears with this article from 'Responsible Kids Monthly'. His grandma gets him a subscription for Christmas every year, but I never thought he read it. Drew was so broken up about how he didn't have money to save, and he'd never have enough for school. He was right, I suppose. There was only one way it would ever happen."
The Brigham family's net worth went up, and so too did the drilling rigs. It wasn't long before their worst fears were realized.
Gloria was the first to discover the change. "I was going to surprise the husband with something I saw on the Steve Harvey. He said to put some little candles all up around your bath, and wait for your man to come home from work."
As she lit the first candle, the water in the bathtub exploded. Fortunately for the Brigham's, some of their new wealth had gone towards a robust insurance policy that covered the damage. However, the Brigham family was left without answers.
"We are sorry to hear about Mrs. Brigham immolating her bathtub. Scientists at Crude Awakenings Institute for Complaint Dismissal have determined that it is totally her fault and has nothing to do with any project related to our company and its skilled technicians."
A Spark of Inspiration
Drew, however, was struck by inspiration. He filled his Supersoaker water gun with water from his kitchen tap, and held a lighter to the nozzle while a friend captured the experiment on his cellphone.
"I pulled the trigger, and it was like some 'Call of Duty' shit! I was like, 'Dude, tell me you recorded that!'"
He had. The video went viral on YouTube, and soon the sport of "Extreme Supersoaking" was a nationwide sensation. Thousands of people of all ages turned their neighborhoods into ashen battlefields, delighting the public with intense displays of pyrotechnic prowess.
"It's the most intense experience in action sports," said American Extreme Supersoakers Founder and Chairman Frank Shoemaker. "In between organizing tournaments, I'm taking calls from Viacom, X Games executives, and toy manufacturers wanting to buy the patents to our custom rigs. We're here to stay!"
Crude Awakenings, whose fracking gasholes started it all, approached the sensation with reluctance--at least until the Olympic Committee began mulling a possible event addition for the next series of summer games. 24 hours later, a press release was published on the Crude Awakenings website.
"Our customers have spoken loudly and clearly. We are pleased to announce that Drew 'Firestorm' Brigham has agreed to a Crude Awakenings corporate sponsorship as he prepares to enter the 2013 Regional tournament. Keep an eye out for new swag coming to our online store, and cheer on 'Firestorm' as he chars the competition!"
The tournament, which is scheduled for August 3rd, sold every spectator ticket within five minutes.
President Obama summarized the event in his weekly YouTube address. "America has always been a nation of innovators; not to mention a nation of top-tier athletes. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of our nation like Extreme Supersoaking."
Our words exactly, Mr. President.
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