North Korea Slips One Past...Everybody

Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Following Secretary of State John Kerry's secretive deal with Iran, Republicans loudly objected that it wasn't necessary for Iran to develop weapons-grade radioactive material inside Iran itself. According to GOP officials, North Korea could provide Iran with all the ingredients required to make a nuclear warhead from its own stockpiles. It seems that their grave predictions have come to pass today, as Iran gleefully unveiled their nuclear missile kit over state television.

"Hahaha, you imperialist pigs believed us! Talk about owned!" said an Iranian regime spokesman.

The video revealed an assortment of parts and a copy of Nuclear Proliferation for Dummies: A Reference for the Craziest of Us.

North Korea is also taking the opportunity to boast after the historic trade between the two countries, who share little in common beyond their mutual disdain for the west. The materials departed Yongampo in a large crate marked "VERY LEGAL MATERIALS. MAKE NO OPENING IF NOT ARE IRAN!"

Both the State Department and the Pentagon are mystified over how the shipment managed to travel over land for nearly 4,000 miles without interference. During its journey, the crate moved through China, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Turkmenistan. There were never any inspections or scrutiny, even though pretty much everyone is very cynical about North Korea's goofy bullshit. A number of border agents are reportedly facing severe disciplinary action over their monumental failure, particularly in China. As one Chinese inspector was dragged away to the organ harvesting shed, he remarked to assembled reporters that the shipment had "looked totally legit" to him.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), having tiptoed away from his Benghazi gimmick, took the opportunity to jump on the fast train to Itoldyousoville.

"My starth, you guyth, I muth have thaid it a thousand timesth! Maybe nexth time y'all will take me theriously."

Zimmerman Lets Down Devoted Disabled Fan

Bizarro Orlando, FL (BP)- Louie Cameron, 76, has a rare form of dementia that has silenced the area of his brain responsible for creating lies that preserve one's reputation (yes, that is a thing that exists). That doesn't stop him from keeping abreast of the latest news, and Louie doesn't like what he sees.

"It's such a pain in the ass, I can't even tell you," Louie sighed, dabbing sweat from his brow. "I'm trying to make this guy into a martyr, and he keeps pissing in my cornflakes."

Louie is reacting to the latest of several brushes with the law by George Zimmerman, who was thrust into the spotlight for shooting an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin. George was found not guilty on the charge of 2nd degree murder, and released. Since then, Zimmerman and his handgun, Little Blasty, have traveled around America punching for love on all the wrong faces. Though his estranged wife has agreed to drop her charges against him, his latest arrest for a "domestic incident" suggests that he's back at it once more.

During the controversial murder trial, Louie defended Zimmerman against every allegation of racism and villainy that he could find. Thanks to his clinical candidness, he was able to offer us an uncensored glimpse into his mindset.


"It seems to me that being a thug should be enough to get profiled," he explained. "By 'thug', I refer to young black men that wear clothing I don't like. When Zimmerman testified that Martin only attacked him after he saw the gun, I thought for sure I was in trouble. People would figure out that a strange man approaching you with a gun in his waistband is probably going to use it on you, especially after he's been following you for some time. Luckily, nobody gave that scenario any thought. I was empowered to hate black people in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time."

But now a different narrative is beginning to take shape. Zimmerman the brave neighborhood watchman has begun to paint himself as plump, scruffy ball of uncontrollable rage. Suddenly the stories of Zimmerman's life pre-notoriety, where he was known as a dangerously unstable asshole, weren't easy to brush off.

"I'm thinking about dusting off that old story about the Australian guy in Oklahoma if this keeps going south," Louie grumbled while scrolling through Free Republic. "I've lost one martyr, but I suppose one's just as good as the other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to alphabetize my secret transexual pornography collection before my wife gets home."

Terrible Tot to Stand Trial

Bizarro Charlotte, NC (BP)- An 11-year-old child is being charged with felony child abuse for dropping his 6-month-old brother, leading to the infant's death.

"We hope that scumsucking piece of shit gets what he deserves in prison," said Detective Raymond Alderson of the Charlotte Police Department. "He just keep crying and saying that he doesn't understand what's happening to him, and that he wants his mommy. All that typical bullshit. Let's see if his tears stop the shivs from my Aryan Brotherhood buddies."

The child, whose name has not been released due to his age, has sparked outrage with his horrifically premeditated act of fratricide.

"Worthless degenerates like him make me sick," said local resident Clem Wilson. "And now my tax dollars have to pay for his elementary school education, his housing, his food! Here's a concept, America! Throw a tire over his shoulders, pour on some gasoline, and light a match. Problem solved."

The anonymous child's defense attorneys insist that their client is being railroaded into a felony charge due a tragic accident that an 11-year-old couldn't begin to comprehend.

Attorney Kendrick Muhammad has taken the case up pro-bono. "My client hasn't even hit puberty yet, for God's sake! His brain hasn't even begun to develop an adult capacity for reason. His voice is years away from changing. And now he's been placed into this hideous tragedy that could warp his mind for the remainder of his life. The mind reels!"

But the prosecution is standing by the charges, confident that they can give the child the harsh punishment that he deserves. Prosecutor Georgia Zizzman did not mince words on the matter when addressing the press. "These fucking punks....they always get away. They always get away with everything. Well, not this time. This time I'm going to put that little shit in the fucking ground."

Police representative Arnold Sizemoore intervened. "Sir, we don't need you to do that. Please, if you could refrain from--"

"Fuck off!" Zizzman shouted. "You're just like my wife! 'Georg-ie, stop yelling in my face!' 'Georg-ie, stop throwing gym equipment at me.' 'Georg-ie, stop making targets with my face on them!' Eat shit! I will END you!"

Those closest to the prosecutor insist that he is a gentle man who has strong regrets about having to prosecute such a young child for a crime he can't fully comprehend. But the state must "stand its ground" when it comes to prosecuting ruthless child-killing children.

We'll have more updates as the case develops.

Officer Bravely Stops Rampaging Rodent

Bizarro Mountain City, TN (BP)- A local police officer is being heralded as a hero for saving shoppers from a bloodthirsty rodent menace.

A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.

"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.

And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.

"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.

The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.

"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.

At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.

"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."

Court of Public Opinion: A Juror is Judged

Bizarro Castle Rock, Maine (BP)- Maurice Lee unwinds every day after and usually during work by heading over to the Channel 7 News Facebook page and cutting lose on the latest arrest reports.

"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"

"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"

It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.

But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.

 Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.

"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."

Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."

But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.

"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.

"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.

His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".

When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.

Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.

"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."

He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.

Bizarro Hollywood Blitzekrieg! October, 2013

Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?

As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite  But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.

Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.

Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.

Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.

That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died

Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.

"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.

Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.

Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.

Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering

Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.

"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.

The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.

Beaten Brat Gets Just Punishment

Bizarro Bloomington, IN (BP)- Ryan A., 13, is a local 8th grader who learned a very valuable lesson about fighting in school after being suspended for a ruthless beating he sustained in home room.

"Bloomington Middle School is proud to be a zero-tolerance compliant campus," said principal Edgar Swanson. "Young Ryan will receive a valuable lesson about becoming involved in physical violence through our strict, no-nonsense punishment policy."

Ryan was quietly reading a book in the back of the room when Harold B., a mentally damaged recipient of constant physical abuse, was falsely informed that Ryan had called him a "fag."

"You nerdy piece of shit!" Harold shouted as he barelled towards his startled adversary. "You're about to look like my mom when she lets my dad's beer get warm!"

The first blow left Ryan concussed and twitching on the floor. His flesh tore beneath a flurry of blows from Harold, who had been held back a number of times and outweighed his opponent by 50 pounds. Due to complications from premature birth and subsequent infections throughout his infancy, Ryan was not athletic and had no real friends. A school resource officer ended the scuffle by spraying a can of bear mace wildly around the room while screaming about "the Hadjis" coming to get him. Had Harold been an adult, he would have certainly been arrested to face serious charges and jail time. Fortunately, because he is a child, the only thing he's guilty of is being a rambunctious little rascal and one hell of a linebacker.

"Ryan has been a model student. It makes me sick to see him become this filthy, violent thug," said homeroom teacher Tiffany Stanford. "Wait, no, 'thug' is for black people. I meant 'punk.' He's a filthy, violent punk."

Here's hoping that when Ryan wakes up from his coma, the part of his brain that hasn't been reduced to spinal fluid will have learned that violence doesn't solve anything. Especially when that violence is unprovoked and not met with any self-defense whatsoever.

Cat Criminal Caper Falls Flat

Bizarro Arapiraca, Brazil (BP)- Inmates are furious at an embarrassing plot to smuggle drugs and tools to them using cats. Guards seized a number of small cats with suspicious items attached to their bodies or collars, finding small amounts of drugs, cell phones, and small cutting tools.

"Why would you use a cat!?" shouted one irate inmate. "I call them, and they do not come. I try to remove the tape, and they claw off my flesh! They pee in my cell, and then they pee in the same place all the time! You can clean it, but they always know! They always go back and pee again!"

Authorities believe that none of the delivery attempts have been successful, and speculate that most of the cats wandered off to kill birds immediately after being released near the prison.

Prisoner 283945 points to the body of a dead bird laying on the floor of his cell, its entrails scattered everywhere.

"A dog will lick your hand, curl up next to you and sleep," said 283945. "But apparently this is how a cat shows its love. Screw this! Why can't they just smuggle with their rectum like anyone else!?"

How to Talk About Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation: A Guide

Bizarro Post Family Bureau- With the revelation that Ariel Castro died with a noose on his neck and a dong in his hand, families are left to wonder how to discuss this peculiar topic in a way that is both sensitive to young psyches, but honest enough to satisfy curiosity. Address your audience in a calm, measured tone and always speak with confidence, even as you imagine the obese Castro swinging from his prison window with various bodily fluids pooled beneath him due to postmortem muscle relaxation.

"Kids, first of all you have to know that mommy/daddy/new mommy/new daddy/misc.legal guardian love you very much/enjoy your company/tolerate you every other weekend. At school, you might hear your friends talking about Ariel Castro, and how he died while pleasuring himself and asphyxiating. This is called auto-erotic asphyxiation. It's the same thing that killed the guy from Kill Bill, and the INXS vocalist. You see, when a man feels that he has experienced the full spectrum of the human experience and can't stand the idea that they will never climb higher, they visit a website where they hear about the benefits of asphyxiation. And sometimes, just like daddy/my life partner Pedro, they fall asleep afterwards and forget to not strangle themselves to death.

It would be ideal if you would abstain from auto-erotic asphyxiation until you've reached the age where you've seen all there is to see and just don't give a shit anymore. Many people choose to do this anyway. Perhaps even someone you know. If that person happens to be you, all I ask is that you practice safe asphyxiation. Never tether yourself to an object that can hold your weight in the even that you pass out. Devise a quick-release mechanism if things get out of hand (no pun intended, dear). And consider using the buddy system for added safety. There are plenty of nice people on Craigslist who would be happy to help!

If you have any questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me/your social worker/the homeless man with psychic powers that sees your true potential when nobody else does."

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Bees and PCP's

Bizarro New York City (BP)- A group of motorcyclists are being heralded as heroes after saving a family under attack by a bee in their Range Rover.

"There's nothing scarier than a bee in the car with your family," said biker Jimmy Rockwell. "It could sting you, it could sting someone you care about, it could cause you to make a critical mistake behind the wheel. You've got to take drastic action in those circumstances."

Attendees of the Hollywood Block Party rally happened to notice a driver in distress as they passed by, frantically swatting at a furious bee bouncing against his windshield. Without hesitation, they sprung into action, surrounding the SUV to help the driver stay in his lane.

"Thank God for those guys," the driver said after the ordeal was finally over. "The bee could have come flying in from anywhere, and I was so disoriented. But the sounds of their obnoxious engines kept me pointed in the right direction the whole time."

At last, the Range Rover was brought to a stop. The family wasn't our of the woods yet.

Stingologist Dr. Michelle Brennan explains. "One of the most dangerous things you can do in a bee crisis involving a moving vehicle is to stop! The momentum of the car tends to push the insect towards the back window, but stopping could perhaps fling the assailant right at you."

Unfortunately for the Range Rover residents, that's precisely what happened. The bikers took drastic action, smashing the driver's side window open in an attempt to draw the bee towards the fresh air and away from its hostages. Sadly, their tactic backfired. The bee had indeed gone towards the window, but was intercepted by the driver's hair, where it became stuck.

"GET IT OFF!? OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS STINGING!" the man could be heard screaming as he endured the wrath of the bee, Mother Nature's hate letter to mankind.

Our brave bikers would not be cowed by this terrifying act of unprovoked violence. Helmets and boots became weapons, thirsty for bee blood (it's acid, you know!). Within seconds, the villain was nothing more than a fuzzy pile of paste. Sadly, the victory came with a price. The driver suffered many wounds to his head during the attempt to save him.

"It was painful, chaotic," the driver recalled from his hospital bed. "But when it comes to a full-on bee attack, hesitation can kill. I'm so thankful that my family was at least spared. God put those bikers there to protect us, I just know it!"

Biker Eddie Parsons chuckled at the idea. "I don't know if guardian angels are allowed to do some of the stuff I do in my spare time. But if I can help a guy out of a dangerous situation, by God, I'm going it. America needs that now more than ever, you know?"

------------------------------------------------------------------
Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- A new super hero patrols the streets of Detroit, looking to dispense justice whenever it's needed. He doesn't wear a mask, a uniform, or a cape. In fact, he usually doesn't wear anything at all. His name? The PCP Avenger!

"I was robbing this guy with my trusty knife, Little Stabby," inmate Carl Redden recalls. "All the sudden, I hear this banging noise, and there's this naked dude punching holes in a wood fence nearby. Bare hands!"

Redden's victim called out to the mighty stranger for help. After taking some time to rub a rusty nail across his inner thigh, The PCP Avenger charged into the fray. Redden frantically stabbed at the fearless hero, but the wounds had no effect. Mere seconds after the fight began, The Avenger stood victorious.

"I was so thankful!" said the robbery victim, who did not wish to be identified. "This guy was a stone cold badass! I didn't even mind when he started dry humping me with his bloody torso!"

Many more sightings of The PCP Avenger followed; along with tales of his incredible acrobatic skills and superhuman strength. Detroit's criminal underworld lived in constant terror. Police, however, were not impressed.

"This guy is a vigilante, plain and simple. There's no room for vigilantes in Detroit," said Detroit Police spokesman Lt. James Morris. "Not unless you're a properly licensed bounty hunter. If you are, for the love of God, please help. We can't pay you with money, but we've got come metal scraps that've gotta be worth something."

The wild-eyed warrior may not be the hero Detroit deserves, but it's the one they need right now. From all of us here at the Bizarro Post, we salute you, PCP Avenger!

Lockdown Brings Potential Propaganda Points

Editor's Note: The following article has been written in such a way that we don't trigger P...R....I....S....M. Apparently they've grown tired of flagging us, and have made many thinly veiled threats involving "vigorous cavity searches" if we don't stop distracting them from their 4chan monitoring project.

Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- After a woman rammed her car into a barrier protecting the house that is the same color as snow and most of Congress, police were lead on a high speed chase that ended in...boomy projectile flinger use. Now that the suspect is deceased and the area has been secured, America is holding its breath as it waits to see who will win a free talking point.

"I think it's a [Lipton's Brisk Iced ______] Party member," said a Jan Watson, a barista working near the scene. "This could be something awesome to bludgeon them with."

No mater what their allegiance, most tend to agree that they'd rather not have this be the result of a Schizophrenic episode yet again.

"It's so boring," groaned reporter Sharon Bartlett. "There's no mileage with isolated incidents involving mental disorders. You can make some noise about needing legal reform involving the mentally ill and [boomsticks], but that's about it."

The media's most dire fears are starting to seem more plausible, as authorities responding to the scene have confirmed the incident is isolated and that the suspect has no ties to scary-ism.

Some, like Americans for Freedomy Freedom publicist Chris Garland are still holding out hope. "We've been waiting for a [not-law-following] act by an Occupy goon for awhile now, and I've got a good feeling about this one. In fact, we already started spreading the talking point on Twitter."

No matter who goes home with the Heavyweight Blame-Belt, the [Head of the Executive Branch], the [Elected delegates currently in contention], and the citizens of our nation's capitol are safe thanks to the fast and decisive response of DC Police and the [Victoria's _________] Service.

Sneak Peak Leak: Ironside (2013)

INT. OFFICE BUILDING-MIDDAY

Police surround JOHNNY POSTALMAN, who is holding GENERIC OFFICE GUY against his chest, a gun to his temple. Suddenly, the elevator opens up to the bottom half of a wheelchair. PAN UP to reveal IRONSIDE, scowling. His hatred is an aura that he vomits upon all assembled. TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE nods at IRONSIDE, her feminine frailty at its breaking point. Only a strong, powerful paraplegic can rescue this damsel.

IRONSIDE
Who's in charge of this shitshow?

GENERIC POLICEMAN
Whoa, you can't say that!

IRONSIDE
Shut up, bitch. I do what I want, when I want.

POSTALMAN
Hey buddy, I'm wise to your game! Yeah! You're compensating for your impotence by lashing out at everyone! You're going to be just like me one day!

IRONSIDE
Talented Rookie. We've got a human-shield style hostage here. What should you do in this situation?

ROOKIE
Uh, we should call a negotiator. Which is what I did. And they sent you.

IRONSIDE
Screw it. Shoot the hostage.

POSTALMAN recoils slightly, perplexed.

POSTALMAN
What the hell is wrong with you? You should be arresting this guy!

ROOKIE
I'm an excellent shot, Mr.Ironside. I can hit the perp without even coming close to the hostage. Why would you tell me to do that?

IRONSIDE glowers. "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOWWWW!!!????" sting plays from The Heavy.

IRONSIDE
I said shoot the goddamn hostage.

POSTALMAN pushes the hostage away and raises his hands in the air.

POSTALMAN
Jesus man, I'll give up! Just chill out, you psychopath!

IRONSIDE
Shoot the hostage.

ROOKIE grimaces, her weak female will overcome by the raw sex-pantherness of IRONSIDE. She shoots GENERIC OFFICE GUY in both knees.

GENERIC OFFICE GUY
Oh Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you assholes!?

IRONSIDE
Damn, baby! Knee shots and everything. You're a natural. You ain't walking anywhere now, are you? Now you know my pain, don't you!? You'll all know before I'm done!

POSTALMAN
So...what about me?

IRONSIDE draws his pistol and shoots POSTALMAN in his lower vertebrae.

POSTALMAN
I can't feel my legs! My genitals are useless now!

IRONSIDE
So are mine. Don't see me going all crazy over it.

The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!????????

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. HOCKEY RINK

HOCKEY PLAYERS scrimmage on the ice. They are a youth league, perhaps 14-15 years of age. IRONSIDE sits on the side wearing a shirt with COACH emblazoned on it. His badge and gun are clipped to his belt.

IRONSIDE
Let's go you little shits! You think you're so good, with you legs all moving and shit! I could kill all of you with my bare hands! Don't tempt me!

HOCKEY PLAYERS slide to a stop in front of their coach, the practice apparently having ended. They wait for a pep talk.

HOCKEY CHILD
Mister Ironside, are you sure we should hit the other team in the knees with our sticks?

IRONSIDE
Bitch, if I wasn't sure about it I wouldn't have told you to do it.

HOCKEY CHILD
But that could really hurt them! It's just youth league! It's not worth crip....

IRONSIDE leans forward in his chair.

IRONSIDE
Say it.....

HOCKEY CHILD
I'm scared Mister Ironside!

IRONSIDE draws his service weapon and presses it against the boy's forehead.

IRONSIDE
Say. It.

HOCKEY CHILD
Crippled! We'll cripple them!

IRONSIDE
Hell yes. You will. You'll show them the pain. Won't you, team?

HOCKEY CHILDREN
Yes Mister Ironside!

IRONSIDE waves the gun erratically at the children, who recoil in terror.

IRONSIDE
Are you little fucks trying to say cripples are weak? You think I'm weak, you little bitches? I'll show you! Then I'll show your mommies and daddies! I'll show your all your little friends at school. Get off my ice you worthless bastards!

HOCKEY TEAM skates away sobbing in fear. CHIEF EXASPER strolls up from behind, clearly having seen everything.

EXASPER
Christ, man. That shit's going to end up on YouTube one of these days, and all the exasperated chiefs in the world won't be able to cover your ass.

IRONSIDE
If you can't handle the heat.....get off the ice.

The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOWWWW!?????

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. POLICE CAR. NIGHT.

IRONSIDE and TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE are sitting together on a stakeout outside ST.MARY'S ORPHANAGE waiting for the EASTSIDE ORPHAN STRANGLER.

ROOKIE
Rookie or not, I'm ready to prove myself. The Eastside Orphan Strangler is screwed.

IRONSIDE
You're not man enough to take on someone like that. You're just here to build sexual tension between us.

ROOKIE
What the hell? Don't you know that' sexual harassment?

IRONSIDE
And don't YOU know? I'm a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules.

The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOOWWWWWW!!????

ROOKIE
Oh my God, I suddenly am incredibly attracted to you for reasons!

IRONSIDE and ROOKIE begin making out, groping each other with wanton abandon. Through the windshield, we see ORPHAN STRANGLER sneaking into the front entrance of the orphanage.

ROOKIE
Are you...functional?

IRONSIDE
Medically, I shouldn't be. But it's hard to maintain my masculinity as a plot device if I couldn't, so yeah, basically.

IRONSIDE and ROOKIE share a passionate tryst in the front of the police cruiser. ORPHAN STRANGLER emerges from the front doors of the burning orphanage, severed heads rolling in a duffelbag on his back.

ROOKIE
Oh my God, the strangler! He's getting away with those severed heads! And he burned the evidence. The screaming and carnage are beyond description!! This is blasphemy against all human decency!

IRONSIDE
Goddamn, I love the way you talk dirty. Are there any broken legs? Severed spines? I need you to say yes right now. I need you to tell me you see that. Right now...










We hope you enjoyed this sneak peak of Ironside! Be sure to watch the premiere before it's abruptly cancelled.

Feds Bust Colorful Hidden Market

Bizarro Post Justice Bureau- Through the joint efforts of the FBI, IRS, and CIA a major hub of criminal activity has been shut down. Devotees knew it as The Yellow Brick Road.

"This was a highly sophisticated operation, hidden well over the rainbow. Our bust today is the culmination of several years of surveillance," an FBI spokeswoman said during a press briefing.

According to the investigative records obtained by the Bizarro Post, The Yellow Brick Road contained unregulated food manufacturing by the Lollipop Guild cartel, black market organs such as hearts and brains, and prohibited genetic alteration experiments intended to create flying monkeys and sentient trees. There were even counterfeit medals of valor freely available to any coward who wished to boast about exemplary military service that never even took place.

"The guy behind this hid behind this big, intimidating avatar," said Chief Investigator Nelson Chandler. "Turns out it was the grizzled old man. It's always the same with these criminal types."

Yellow Road users accessed the black market via tornadoes, and departed with their goods by chanting until they awaken in their beds with the illicit items.

Among the most stunning seizures is an impounded hot air balloon and a pair of ruby encrusted slippers, which could very well be worth several million dollars provided the gems are authentic.

The Downfall of The Icy Hot Prankstas

Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Five young men have been arrested for their participation in the Icy Hot Prankstas "prank posse."

The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.

PRANKSTA TIMELINE

-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.

-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.

-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"

The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....

-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.

"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."

"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."

This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.

"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"

Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."

Yeah, it kind of went on like that.

-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.

-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."

"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.

Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.

Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.

YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.

Voice of the Internet: Chicago Violence

Bizarro Chicago, IL (BP)- After a mass shooting on a Chicago basketball court that left 13 people seriously injured, top American thinkers have decided to immediately stop caring.

Friends and family members of the victims gathered today to express their sorrow at the violence that threatens their lives every day, and pleaded for an end to the indiscriminate murders committed by organized crime members throughout the poverty-stricken areas of Chicago.

"It needs to stop. It needs to stop," cried Semencha Nunn, the grandmother of a 3-year-old victim.

"Did I miss the presser with...all of the families of those who were shot yesterday?" said newwtricks on Huffington Post, who didn't look particularly hard at the article that was literally on the same page he wrote this on.

Citing statistics with no sources, Americans came to the conclusion that this incident simply isn't worthy of their concern. In fact, everyone injured in this random attempt at multiple murders deserves it for reasons.

"Al and the rest of the community need to come together and focus on what the obvious problem is with the city, drugs, gangs, crime, and lack of sheer humanity in the African American community," wrote Belmontkid on Newsvine.

Several users sympathized with this point of view. Many Americans apparently believe that the entire African American community is sub-human. Why aren't civil rights leaders addressing that belief? Why haven't they ever disputed that? Why haven't I Googled to see if they actually have and I just never bothered to look? The world may never know.

And why do these tragedies happen time and time again? Deep thinkers like Newsvine's PFirefly offers his insight.

"Wow, you get a demo in the White (Black-White-Muslim) house and the shootings escalate. What's the deal with that? Must be depression or something," says PFirefly, who theorizes that a diminishing whiteness in America has lead to a depression or something. Depression or Something Theory is a popular theme of research by intellectuals like Nome Chomsky and Dr. Phil.

And once we've determined the problem, it's time to get cracking on solutions. elayne-675382 on Newsvine devised a strategy.

"When human animals keep getting worse, time for the big boys to step in and take control. No one can cry about this. Stop acting like wild animals and this would not happen. Sorry wild animals, you do not even act like these 'people'," wrote elayne-6752382.

It's clear that Americans want action, and they want it now. They want martial law, they want life-sentences and executions without trial, and they demand that the "big boys" teach the "human animals" a lesson with their nightsticks and bullets in order to fight lawlessness and violence in the street's of Chicago.

Breaking: Incident in Washington Navy Yard

Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- BREAKING NEWS ALERT; We have received notice that a spree shooting has taken place at the Washington Navy Yard in an administrative building. Police have reported that one shooter has been killed by SWAT in an administrative building on the base. The number of causalities is unknown.

UPDATE: Police confirm that there are three people of interest in this incident, one of whom is deceased. The dead suspect is a black male in his early 50's, 5'12, 160 pounds. Two people of interests are believed to be white males wearing navy uniforms. We presume both of these suspects have the same description, as it is unlikely that a white male wearing a Navy uniform would be present in a Navy Yard.

UPDATE: Police were seeking three people of interest in the Washington Navy Yard shooting until they realized that "seeking" was the wrong word to use for a body in their custody. Twitter postings suggest that there may be as many as 10 people involved in this incident. Subsequent press releases from Twitter user @animelord420 revised that number down to 9 1/2.

UPDATE: Reports suggest that the deceased shooter may have been a Naval employee, or shift manager at a nearby Denny's.

UPDATE: Shooter has been identified as Terrence Diaz. More as story develops.

UPDATE: Shooter is absolutely not Terrence Diaz. We apologize sincerely about the death threats and all of your various accounts getting hacked. It was an honest mistake, Terrence, and it won't happen again.

UPDATE: Please disregard the Bizarro Post Twitter feed, which reported the identity of the shooter as being Eric the Midget. Our informant, "Ronny the Limo Driver", has evidently pranked us.

UPDATE: Police confirm that there are only two people involved with this incident. A search warrant has been executed on a Navy employee whose access card was in the possession of the shooter. Police also discovered a floppy disk containing the video game Doom 2, a Marilyn Manson album, and a trapper keeper with drawings of skulls and pentagrams inside. The other person of interest is still unaccounted for. He is a white male, 40-50 years of age, 6'1, 180 pounds, wearing a novelty t-shirt reading, "Today's forecast: Rowdy with a chance of beer".

UPDATE: Witness reports that event "sounded like a freight train."

UPDATE: President of the Ron Paul for America Club has called this event a "false flag" operation designed to empower Mossad, the Freemasons, and the Legion of Doom. Statement encourages America to "wake up" and to support Bitcoins as a valid currency.

UPDATE: Press Secretary Jay Carney stated that there would be no discussion of gun control at this time. Sean Hannity condemns Obama Administration for not talking about gun control when it's needed the most.

UPDATE: George Zimmerman seen outside of Navy Yard with a cape and a holstered gun on his hip.

"No. No, goddamnit, not today. Go home," said the officer that turned Zimmerman away.

UPDATE: Photo of deceased suspect Aaron Alexis released. "Could have been Obama's son," said uncle that nobody likes. Family is in negotiations to prevent uncle from attending upcoming Thanksgiving events without making it into "a thing."

UPDATE: Starbucks near Navy Yard has closed until "further notice." Starbucks location 200-yards away remains open.

UPDATE: Reporter in charge of monitoring this story has sawed through his leg and escaped, even though he could have easily just sawed through the chain attached to his ankle. Go figure, huh? Coverage is postponed until we shampoo the carpet and find an intern that can fit in a size 3 shackle.

To Catch a Temple Guard: With Chris Hairson

Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Investigative Report Bureau- It's been exactly 20 years since the world was introduced to Temple Guards on Nickelodeon's Legends of the Hidden Temple. A recent poll indicates that 94% of Americans believe that after the show's final episode, Temple Guards ceased to be a threat to America's children.

94% of Americans are dumb and wrong, with a 0.0% margin or error.

The Temple Guards are still out there, lurking in the dark while stalking young adventurers. Each year their numbers grow, and so too does the body count. Tonight we take the fight to the Temple Guards in our Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Special Report:

To Catch a Temple Guard: With Brisk Hairson

To learn more about our prey, we talked to Olmec, an ancient face of stone infused with the power of limitless trivial knowledge.

Hairson: Olmec, you've had three seasons worth of experience with these dangerous predators. What struck you the most about their behavior and tactics?

Olmec: Hmmmmmm....they did not rock. To calm them, they were given injections of horse tranquilizers to keep them stoned. But once the show ended, they were released into the wild, where they became much boulder.

Hairson: Olmec, how would we go about catching the elusive Temple Guards?

Olmec: You can start by visiting the Chatroom of Tween Adventurers! Assemble your profile, and you may descend into the underworld of the hidden Temple Guard. Use your Pendant of Life to subdue him, and then deploy the Handcuffs of Restraint. From there, you must take your Temple Guard to the Cell of Holding. Complete this journey within 2 minutes, and the grand prize is yours!

Hairson: Olmec, two weeks is just a fraction of our total production schedule. It's going to take that long for post-production alone. What is the grand prize, anyway?

Olmec: A Sony boombox, with cassette player and high-speed dubbing. Also, a $500 gift card to KB Toys and Circuit City!

With our newly acquired knowledge, the Bizarro Post team went to work on our quest. While our crack team of unpaid interns played Temple Games for our Token of Life, I paid a visit to the devoted volunteers at Perverted Archaeology. P-ARC director Sandy Stone was eager to begin.

"We've had a lot of experience enticing Temple Guards, but that was just to show the world that they were a real threat to the welfare of children everywhere," Stone explained. "I hope Bizarro Post's contacts in the Orlando Police Department can actually hold these monsters accountable."

And that's just what we planned to do. With the assistance of Perverted Archaeology communications specialist Nigel Crumplebottom, we entered the dangerous digital world of the Teen Tombraider Online chat room. The response was immediate. Posing as "SilverMonkey12", we caught the attention of Temple Guard "GrabnGoBoi".

(PRIVATE CHAT MODE ENGAGED)
SilverMonkey12: hay, how are u?

GrabnGoBoi: not much. just lookin for the wings of icarus. u?

SilverMonkey12: lol you better hurry, i mite beat you to it :-)

GrabnGoBoi: mayb lol! tell me about urself.

SilverMonkey12: im 12, i like to search of ancient treasure, and i live in orlando.

GrabnGoBoi: awesum! i'm in orlando too! we should get the icarus wings togthr!

SilverMonkey12: cool!

GrabnGoBoi: what you wearing?

SilverMonkey12: a yellow helmet, some fingerless gloves, and a mouthpiece. i got a blue barricudas shirt too.

GrabnGoBoi: whoa! i'm a blue barricuda 2! we should totally adventure together

Sicko that he was, this ruthless Temple Guard didn't stop asking until he finally pried the address from our investigator. Little did he know, he was heading right for a poison dart trap of justice. With the assistance of the Orlando Police, we set up a sting operation at a ruined temple in Orlando and waited for our predator to arrive. Our bait is actually 18 years old, and has a Pendant of Life to protect herself should anything go wrong. The safety of our staff and associates, as well as the suspect, has been carefully considered.

At our agreed upon time, the Temple Guard sprang from the nearby woods in all of his racially insensitive glory. Without hesitation, he made for the entryway of our trap temple. "GrabnGoBoi" is actually Oog, a veteran Temple Guard who has been known to hide in the Tomb of the Ancient Kings; no doubt doing unspeakable things to the bodies therein.

Oog: Hey little adventurer? Still don't have a Token of Life? I've got one right here that you can borrow!

Decoy: Just a minute! I'll be right out once I finish rinsing out my mouthpiece!

Oog: Okay! I shall wait in this entryway and partake of these cookies.

It was time to spring the trap.

Hairson: I'm Chris Hairson from The Bizarro Post, and you're on To Catch a Temple Guard. Why don't you have a sea--

Oog lunged at me, prepared to grasp my shoulders and pull me into the darkness. But I was ready. With a flourish, I brandished my hard-won (we lost three interns) Token of Life!

Oog: Give! You give!

Hairson: I will. But only if you sit down.

Oog: Whatever man say! Want Token!

As Olmec prophesied, the Token of Life soothed the creature. He sat in an ancient temple chair, smoothing his grass skirt for modesty.

Hairson: Oog, you're here to meet a 12-year-old adventurer here, aren't you?

Oog: Oog not know.

Hairson: I have the chatlogs right here, and they're pretty disturbing. Just make this easier for yourself and be honest.

Oog: Oog....just want to warn adventurer not to talk to stranger on internet when they not have Token of Life.

Hairson: So you just wanted to warn the adventurer? Because your name is Grab-and-Go. That's how you pronounce it, right? Didn't you plan to grab an unprotected adventurer and go to your evil realm of darkness? How old are you, really?

Oog: Oog is 3,000 years old. Oog....make mistake.

Hairson: I suggest you don't make it again, Oog. You're free to go.

But of course, Oog wasn't really free to go. Waiting just outside were police officers waiting to take Oog into custody. As of now, Oog has been charged with Conspiracy to Prevent Grand Prize Acquisition and Conspiracy to Commit Supernatural Kidnapping. We must remind you, Oog is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

We hope that this frightening special will serve as a warning to parents and young archaeologists everywhere. Two decades have passed since Viacom executives summoned the Temple Guards to this world, but they remain a threat to this very day. Keep your children close, and your Tokens of Life closer.

This is Chris Hairson, signing off.

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Football, Fallout, and the Friendless

Football Phenom Finally Free

Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.

Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.

"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"

Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."

The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.

"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."

With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.

"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"

True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.

"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.

"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"

St.John wearily objected.

"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"

In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.

"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."

"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.

"Yeah, yeah. What you said."

As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.

"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"

The court fell silent.

"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.

Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.

"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"

These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.

"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."

With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.


Nelson Builds Nuclear Families

Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.

Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.

The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.

"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.

One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.

"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."

The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.

"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."

A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.

"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"

As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.

After all, an armed society is a polite society.

Residents Eye Quiet Guy

Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.

"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."

The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.

"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.

As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.

Fool and Money are Parted

Bizarro Memphis, TN (BP)- A big, stupid idiot fell for a completely obvious scam today.

Ethel Washburn, 83, received a phone call Wednesday morning from a man with an unusual accent. According to the caller, Ethel had just won the Powerball Lottery jackpot.

"I was blown away," said Ethel, gumming away at a Werther's Original. "My fixed income just doesn't cover my medical bills, my rent, my utilities. I could finally enjoy what's left of my retirement."

But Ethel had not been called by a representative from the Powerball Lottery. The call was from Nigeria, and masked by a simple smartphone application. Yeah, I'll give you a second to process this stunning development.

"They usually show up this time of year, right before people start thinking about making ends meet during the holiday season," said Better Business Bureau spokeswoman Candice Wilks. "I wouldn't worry about it, personally. It would take a special brand of dumbass to fall for this."

Fortunately for enterprising Nigerians, they found a true dumbass in Ethel Washburn. Upon requesting her debit card information in order to "directly deposit" her winnings, Ethel did everything she could to decimate her life's savings. Did she think it was strange when the guy requested her pin number, her social security number, and her mother's maiden name? Hell no.

"Get this," said Memphis Cybercrime Taskforce Agent Shaun Bingham. "Lady hasn't bought a lottery ticket for over a year. A year! And when I got her to talking about it, it turns out she didn't buy a lotto ticket at all! It was a goddamn scratch-off!"

As far as retrieving her money and bringing the con artist to justice, Agent Bingham was not optimistic.

"Yeah, let me just hop into my Justice Jet and find a guy hiding out in a country with little to no ability to police their population in any way. That's going to happen," gasped Bingham between gales of laughter.

Nonetheless, the younger members of the Washburn clan are demanding action. Grandson Emil Washburn, 27. was especially adamant that something be done about this humiliating crime.

"My whole goddamn inheritance just got thrown out the window. Do you have any clue how high my student loan debt is?" shouted Emil. "What's it going to take to get her put in a goddamn home? Hell, does Kevorkian have any brothers still kicking around?"

Fascist Faces Felonies

Bizarro Hagen, Germany (BP)- 92-year-old former Nazi Waffen-SS officer Jakob Heppenheimer is on trial for allegedly shooting a Dutch resistance fighter to death just before the end of World War II: The Empire Strikes Back.

Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.

"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."

As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.

"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."

Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.

"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."

Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.

"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.

Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.

"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."