Bizarro Post National Security Bureau- A recently leaked NSA document detailing plans to use pornography habits to discredit undesirable speech has politicians terrified; even those who previously supported the massive surveillance program that targets both allies and enemies.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
Showing posts with label National Security. Show all posts
Showing posts with label National Security. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Officer Bravely Stops Rampaging Rodent
Bizarro Mountain City, TN (BP)- A local police officer is being heralded as a hero for saving shoppers from a bloodthirsty rodent menace.
A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.
"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.
And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.
"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.
The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.
"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.
At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.
"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."
A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.
"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.
And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.
"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.
The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.
"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.
At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.
"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Hidden War on Freaks and Geeks
Bizarro Post Preventative Measures Bureau- President Obama and top Pentagon officials have announced an ambitious plan to stop spontaneous acts of violence from America's most troubled young men.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
A Letter From President Vladimir Putin
Bizarro Moscow (BP)- Recent events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the Bizarro American people and their political leaders, none of whom know the true freedom of being without a shirt while applying a sleeper-hold to frantic salmon. It is important to do so at a time when Americans only know of my country through dash-cam crash videos, vodka, and Tetris (though these are our primary exports, I admit).
Relations between us have passed through different stages. We compared rocket sizes in the Cold War. You have further mocked us with your terrible Indiana Jones sequel. But we were also allies once, when we defeated the Nazis. Yes, we did divide Germany with terrible, lingering consequences. And yes, you did nuke two entire Japanese cities just to show us you weren't scared to wave your atomic dongs around. But we did beat the Nazis, so this counts for something. The United Nations, in any event, is dedicated to prevent this devastation from happening once more.
The United Nations' founders understood that decisions of war and peace were best left to snide remarks made under the sterile conditions of dry, insincere diplomacy. No one wishes for the UN to fail as the League of Nations did. They collapsed because they lacked leverage. League delegates were unwilling to write the harsh and condemning letters that an international tribunal must be prepared to write (and send! To not send is cowardice in its purest incarnation!). America would be best served by sending such a letter. Dual purposes would be served, as President Assad would be made to feel very bad about the naughty things he did and it would not involve an international military provocation.
The international community has voiced its strong opposition to American forces striking Syrian targets in any capacity. The Pope has even said it! Do you want to be the one who makes the Pope sad? He seems like a very nice man. You seem nice too. Why would you want to hurt someone who is so much like you?
Furthermore, such a strike would destabilize the Middle East. Why should we risk ruining the enduring peace of the Middle East and North Africa? In doing so, you would be undermining the entire system of international law, which is adhered to strictly by every United Nations country without fail.
Syria is not witnessing a battle for democracy. My country was, however. Until I won.
But I digress. This is a struggle between a government who orders random executions, and a number of paramilitary groups who order executions based on religious affiliations or sinful acts. When killing is random, at least it is not personal. Just a necessary cost of business, you see. The fighters you seek to support disagree, and fill the Syrian streets with blood based on cruel pretenses rather than the need to perform some simple housecleaning.
Mercenaries from Arab countries fight there, and many militants from the western world have enlisted themselves as well. Might they not return to our countries with experience acquired in Syria? The only thing more militant than a recently recruited insurgent is an insurgent that has leveled up several times. Neither of us wish to see terrorists with high strength and dexterity buffs.
From the outset, Russia has advocated a plan that promotes compromise between the bloodthirsty partisans and the death-frenzied soldiers of Assad. We believe that they can come together to determine the future of their sovereign nation. We do not wish to protect the Syrian government, we just wish to play by the rules of diplomacy. These rules dictate that if you support a genocidal monster, you must conceal your support behind platitudes. The United Nations discourages global leaders from making statements of condemnation against powerful sociopaths, and for good reason. If you point out the elephant that is in the room, it may well charge at you next.
No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was not used by the Syrian Army, who were busy soothing a litter of frightened bunnies that had lost their mother to a rebel rocket attack. Did I mention they are turning some dirty looks to Israel? Just saying, guys!
It is alarming that military imperialism has become so commonplace in the United States. I cannot recall another country in recent memory that has engaged in selfish conflicts at the expense of countless civilian lives. Millions around the world are starting to see America as a nation that boasts of its brute force and makes thinly veiled threats to all who defy her whims. Again, I know of no other country that does that. Makes you think, does not it?
Force has proved to be ineffective and pointless. Yours, not mine. Afghanistan is in a constant state of exploding, as opposed to how it previously was before American intervention. And intervention from....somewhere else that I cannot recall. Libya is all sorts of jacked up. I haven't been paying much attention to Iraq, but I bet it sucks there as well. Just thought I would point this out.
You cannot possibly hope to target strikes with such precision that civilian causalities would be avoided. Careful and measured use of force is something that both of our nations have always advocated, after all.
The world is asking: if international law is not respected, what other way is there to protect your country but weapons of mass destruction? Other than the ability to hold the population of entire nations hostage for political leverage. And for making big, scary countdown sequences in Hollywood moviefilms. The international community must take advantage of Syria's sudden willingness to just hand over every single one of its chemical weapons, which it will definitely do. For real.
I welcome the president's interest in continuing to talk to my silent, grim visage while I think about how to inspire more topless protests. We must keep hope alive that we together we can create a future where Assad's upcoming purges can be ignored in unison.
Avoiding force in Syria will improve the fragile veneer of amicable relations, which is vital as we continue to conceal our extensive surveillance programs that probe one another's classified systems for weaknesses.
My working and personal relationship with President Obama is generally positive. He is one of a small number of global leaders who can bare his torso with confidence. Obviously, this is an attribute worthy of respect.
However, I wish to disagree with his advocacy of American exceptionalism. Obama insists that American policy makes the nation unique among all others. First, we all know good and well that we're a bunch of sneaky bastards. Come on, man. Besides that, it is a mistake to allow your public to believe that they are exceptional in some way. A proud and arrogant public is difficult to suppress. But a depressed and intoxicated public can easily be stifled by a strong, sexy leader. You've got the "IT Factor". Work it, baby.
Though we are different, I hope we can both remember that the Lord has made us equal, and has blessed us in many ways. But goddamn does he hate Syria.
Later Broskis,
Vladimir V. Putin, Eternal President of Russia
Relations between us have passed through different stages. We compared rocket sizes in the Cold War. You have further mocked us with your terrible Indiana Jones sequel. But we were also allies once, when we defeated the Nazis. Yes, we did divide Germany with terrible, lingering consequences. And yes, you did nuke two entire Japanese cities just to show us you weren't scared to wave your atomic dongs around. But we did beat the Nazis, so this counts for something. The United Nations, in any event, is dedicated to prevent this devastation from happening once more.
The United Nations' founders understood that decisions of war and peace were best left to snide remarks made under the sterile conditions of dry, insincere diplomacy. No one wishes for the UN to fail as the League of Nations did. They collapsed because they lacked leverage. League delegates were unwilling to write the harsh and condemning letters that an international tribunal must be prepared to write (and send! To not send is cowardice in its purest incarnation!). America would be best served by sending such a letter. Dual purposes would be served, as President Assad would be made to feel very bad about the naughty things he did and it would not involve an international military provocation.
The international community has voiced its strong opposition to American forces striking Syrian targets in any capacity. The Pope has even said it! Do you want to be the one who makes the Pope sad? He seems like a very nice man. You seem nice too. Why would you want to hurt someone who is so much like you?
Furthermore, such a strike would destabilize the Middle East. Why should we risk ruining the enduring peace of the Middle East and North Africa? In doing so, you would be undermining the entire system of international law, which is adhered to strictly by every United Nations country without fail.
Syria is not witnessing a battle for democracy. My country was, however. Until I won.
But I digress. This is a struggle between a government who orders random executions, and a number of paramilitary groups who order executions based on religious affiliations or sinful acts. When killing is random, at least it is not personal. Just a necessary cost of business, you see. The fighters you seek to support disagree, and fill the Syrian streets with blood based on cruel pretenses rather than the need to perform some simple housecleaning.
Mercenaries from Arab countries fight there, and many militants from the western world have enlisted themselves as well. Might they not return to our countries with experience acquired in Syria? The only thing more militant than a recently recruited insurgent is an insurgent that has leveled up several times. Neither of us wish to see terrorists with high strength and dexterity buffs.
From the outset, Russia has advocated a plan that promotes compromise between the bloodthirsty partisans and the death-frenzied soldiers of Assad. We believe that they can come together to determine the future of their sovereign nation. We do not wish to protect the Syrian government, we just wish to play by the rules of diplomacy. These rules dictate that if you support a genocidal monster, you must conceal your support behind platitudes. The United Nations discourages global leaders from making statements of condemnation against powerful sociopaths, and for good reason. If you point out the elephant that is in the room, it may well charge at you next.
No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was not used by the Syrian Army, who were busy soothing a litter of frightened bunnies that had lost their mother to a rebel rocket attack. Did I mention they are turning some dirty looks to Israel? Just saying, guys!
It is alarming that military imperialism has become so commonplace in the United States. I cannot recall another country in recent memory that has engaged in selfish conflicts at the expense of countless civilian lives. Millions around the world are starting to see America as a nation that boasts of its brute force and makes thinly veiled threats to all who defy her whims. Again, I know of no other country that does that. Makes you think, does not it?
Force has proved to be ineffective and pointless. Yours, not mine. Afghanistan is in a constant state of exploding, as opposed to how it previously was before American intervention. And intervention from....somewhere else that I cannot recall. Libya is all sorts of jacked up. I haven't been paying much attention to Iraq, but I bet it sucks there as well. Just thought I would point this out.
You cannot possibly hope to target strikes with such precision that civilian causalities would be avoided. Careful and measured use of force is something that both of our nations have always advocated, after all.
The world is asking: if international law is not respected, what other way is there to protect your country but weapons of mass destruction? Other than the ability to hold the population of entire nations hostage for political leverage. And for making big, scary countdown sequences in Hollywood moviefilms. The international community must take advantage of Syria's sudden willingness to just hand over every single one of its chemical weapons, which it will definitely do. For real.
I welcome the president's interest in continuing to talk to my silent, grim visage while I think about how to inspire more topless protests. We must keep hope alive that we together we can create a future where Assad's upcoming purges can be ignored in unison.
Avoiding force in Syria will improve the fragile veneer of amicable relations, which is vital as we continue to conceal our extensive surveillance programs that probe one another's classified systems for weaknesses.
My working and personal relationship with President Obama is generally positive. He is one of a small number of global leaders who can bare his torso with confidence. Obviously, this is an attribute worthy of respect.
However, I wish to disagree with his advocacy of American exceptionalism. Obama insists that American policy makes the nation unique among all others. First, we all know good and well that we're a bunch of sneaky bastards. Come on, man. Besides that, it is a mistake to allow your public to believe that they are exceptional in some way. A proud and arrogant public is difficult to suppress. But a depressed and intoxicated public can easily be stifled by a strong, sexy leader. You've got the "IT Factor". Work it, baby.
Though we are different, I hope we can both remember that the Lord has made us equal, and has blessed us in many ways. But goddamn does he hate Syria.
Later Broskis,
Vladimir V. Putin, Eternal President of Russia
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Spy Rockets in Flight
Bizarro Vandenberg Air Force Base- America's intelligence agencies thrust a giant middle finger towards its citizens and the international community by launching a "secret spy satellite" in conjunction with a full press briefing and photographs of the launch.
"Today's launch is dedicated to the men and women who think a privacy fence means they can skinny dip in their pools in peace. See you soon!" said a representative from the U.S. National Reconnaissance Office.
Seven minutes after liftoff, an media blackout was instituted. Yes, they are aware that publicizing the launch and blacking it out is contradictory.
"Because eat me, that's why," explained UNRO public relations manager REDACTED.
Delivery of the device into orbit was made possible by the Delta 4 Heavy, the most powerful rocket in America's arsenal. This mighty surveillance phallus dominated the sky and showed that Putin guy what time it was with its 2 million pounds of thrust (ladies~).
Unconfirmed sources tied to Julian Assange suggest that this satellite will have the ability to shine laser pointers in people's eyes from space.
"Today's launch is dedicated to the men and women who think a privacy fence means they can skinny dip in their pools in peace. See you soon!" said a representative from the U.S. National Reconnaissance Office.
Seven minutes after liftoff, an media blackout was instituted. Yes, they are aware that publicizing the launch and blacking it out is contradictory.
"Because eat me, that's why," explained UNRO public relations manager REDACTED.
Delivery of the device into orbit was made possible by the Delta 4 Heavy, the most powerful rocket in America's arsenal. This mighty surveillance phallus dominated the sky and showed that Putin guy what time it was with its 2 million pounds of thrust (ladies~).
Unconfirmed sources tied to Julian Assange suggest that this satellite will have the ability to shine laser pointers in people's eyes from space.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Toothpaste Terror Transcends Territories
Bizarro Montgomery, AL (BP)- An
investigation of a tainted letter sent to the Alabama Attorney
General's Office has created more questions than it answered.
"We have determinated that the
substance is dried toothpaste," said Alabama Bureau of
Investigation agent Bobby Jeb. "Problem is, ain't no folks
'round here that has any use for the stuff."
Investigators have been forced to turn
their search for a suspect out of state, and perhaps internationally.
Interpol reports that they have received many "aggressive"
requests to investigate French citizens.
"They wish to investigate on the
basis that French harbors 'socialists' and the 'artsy-fartsy types'
who would hate the people of Alabama for their freedom," said
Reynaud Jacques, a French Interpol agent. "It is true that we
have many of both, but what of it? Though if it is toothpaste they
seek, I would suggest omitting Britain from their search. Hah! Have
you seen what it is that I have done there?"
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight
Man Happy With Cable Provider
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Syria Sore Over Citizen Spying
Bizarro Damascus, Syria (BP)- Syrian military courts, under the orders of President Bashar Assad, are cracking down on nefarious hackers posting vital state secrets online.
"We will not tolerate this betrayal of the Syrian public," said information minister Omran al-Zoubi on Syrian state television. "These men are no whistleblowers. They are radicals who seek to aid our enemies."
The four Syrian men charged with espionage recorded what appears to be warheads detonating over villages outside of Damascus on Wednesday. Subsequent videos portrayed a number of dead and dying civilians, including many children. Jean Pascal Zanders, an independent researcher in the field of nerve agents, said that the effects were not consistent with VX or sarin. The condition of bodies seen on the leaked videos suggest death by asphyxiation.
Only two of the men arrested have been identified thus far. Julin Al-Assange, 42, is a self-described independent journalist interested in releasing classified information obtained illegally, asserting that it is "within the best interests of the global citizenry" to have access to state secrets. Brahli Al-Manning, 25, a defected Syrian soldier, could be facing as much as 90 years in prison for his role.
"They are not sorry for what they have done, only that they have been caught doing it," said anti-regime activist Muhammad Rhaman. "[Al-Assange] has exposed blatant evidence of murder in cold blood of non-combatants, and nobody responsible will be punished."
The position of the Assad regime is that the attack was supposed to be carried out in secret in order to end a "terrorist threat" to the citizens of Syria. Assad's spokesmen express concern that the Syrian military's exposed act of indiscriminate murder could be used to recruit new insurgents and harm global perception of Syria unfairly.
"We will not tolerate this betrayal of the Syrian public," said information minister Omran al-Zoubi on Syrian state television. "These men are no whistleblowers. They are radicals who seek to aid our enemies."
The four Syrian men charged with espionage recorded what appears to be warheads detonating over villages outside of Damascus on Wednesday. Subsequent videos portrayed a number of dead and dying civilians, including many children. Jean Pascal Zanders, an independent researcher in the field of nerve agents, said that the effects were not consistent with VX or sarin. The condition of bodies seen on the leaked videos suggest death by asphyxiation.
Only two of the men arrested have been identified thus far. Julin Al-Assange, 42, is a self-described independent journalist interested in releasing classified information obtained illegally, asserting that it is "within the best interests of the global citizenry" to have access to state secrets. Brahli Al-Manning, 25, a defected Syrian soldier, could be facing as much as 90 years in prison for his role.
"They are not sorry for what they have done, only that they have been caught doing it," said anti-regime activist Muhammad Rhaman. "[Al-Assange] has exposed blatant evidence of murder in cold blood of non-combatants, and nobody responsible will be punished."
The position of the Assad regime is that the attack was supposed to be carried out in secret in order to end a "terrorist threat" to the citizens of Syria. Assad's spokesmen express concern that the Syrian military's exposed act of indiscriminate murder could be used to recruit new insurgents and harm global perception of Syria unfairly.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Obama Begins Transparency Campaign by Revealing FISA Court
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- During a press conference Friday afternoon, President Obama promised to give Americans better insight into the way the National Security Agency's secretive system of data collection works.
First among the Whitehouse approved "leaks", an
explanation and photos of the heretofore unseen FISA court, which issues
warrants for seizures of phone and internet records.
The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court consists of a single Magic
Eight Ball wearing a powdered wig. NSA agents arrive as often as several
times a day with lists of thousands of suspects who spoke, typed, or
thought forbidden words.
"We go down the list and ask the FISA judge if we
can have a warrant for each individual," said Agent _________
__________. "Occasionally he tells us to ask again later, so we wait a
good thirty seconds a try again."
When the judge does not approve a warrant, the agents file appeals until they get a "Yes".
President Obama praised the system as highly efficient and important to the credibility of the surveillance program.
"We're doing this by the book," Obama insisted.
"Nothing is seized without a warrant, and the FISA court follows the
Constitutionally mandated system of justice. Until someone leaks
information that proves I'm lying, this is the explanation we will
continue to provide to the public."
Friday, August 2, 2013
Terror Time for Travelers
Bizarro Post Fear Bureau- The United States has issued a travel advisory, citing credible intelligence about "spooky incidents" that could happen at any time to anyone.
"I can't be specific about the nature of this intelligence," said General Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "However, we believe that a scary skeleton might pop out of something. There is also chatter about the fugitive known as 'The Boogeyman'."
NSA wiretapping suggests that 'The Boogeyman' is hiding in closets or beneath beds, waiting for freedom-loving Americans to come out from under their covers--as it is the only place they are safe from his wrath.
The State Department released a memo revealing that nightlights were being installed in United States Embassies, a tactic that has effectively warded off evil monsters. So far.
President Obama issued a brief statement on the possible motivation behind the threats.
"Dangerous demons are very mad about Edward Snowden receiving asylum," said Obama. "They're really scary, and really hungry! I urge Putin to make them go away by doing the right thing, and I urge American citizens to stop reading Wikileaks. It is filled with ghosts and spiders."
"I can't be specific about the nature of this intelligence," said General Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "However, we believe that a scary skeleton might pop out of something. There is also chatter about the fugitive known as 'The Boogeyman'."
NSA wiretapping suggests that 'The Boogeyman' is hiding in closets or beneath beds, waiting for freedom-loving Americans to come out from under their covers--as it is the only place they are safe from his wrath.
The State Department released a memo revealing that nightlights were being installed in United States Embassies, a tactic that has effectively warded off evil monsters. So far.
President Obama issued a brief statement on the possible motivation behind the threats.
"Dangerous demons are very mad about Edward Snowden receiving asylum," said Obama. "They're really scary, and really hungry! I urge Putin to make them go away by doing the right thing, and I urge American citizens to stop reading Wikileaks. It is filled with ghosts and spiders."
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