Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Dogs and Douchebags

Wild Dogs Get New "Leash" on Life

Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.

African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.

"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."

These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison  Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.

"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."

Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.

Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.

"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."

Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.

Vegans Come in First(-World)

Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.

"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.

It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.

The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:

WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.

WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.

WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.

WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.

We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.

The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.

Cat Lady Cynicism Severely Underdeveloped

Bizarro Tallahassee, FL (BP)- Animal control officers expressed relief today as an animal hoarder totally believed that they were going to find "good homes" for her 120 cats.

"You don't get into the business unless you love animals, so it's painful to separate any number of animals from their owners," said Animal Control officer Brandon Cronin. "But it definitely helps ease the pain when they're gullible enough to believe the demand for malnourished, surly cats is through the roof."

Teams of hoarding specialists donned protective gear and entered the residence of Samantha Willard, 58, following complaints about aggressive cats attacking children and digging through trash for food. The interior of Willard's home contained hazardous levels of ammonia, two inches of fecal matter in every room, and what appears to be the mummified body of a vagrant hidden beneath a pile of Cat Fancy magazines and QVC shipping boxes.

Each cat was tested for various diseases that are known to spread in a hoarding scenario. Positive readings for fecal bloodworms were obtained for forty animals, Fifty felines tested positive for toxicstrepaplasmosis, a disease so deadly that it is known to kill its host, resurrect it, and kill it again.

"Some of them even tested positive for AIDS. Like, not even feline AIDS. I don't even know how that happened," said veterinary technician Dr. Andy Ross.

Willard was reported to be "hysterical" as her many pets were removed one by one from her house, insisting that she needed the presence of well over 100 cats for reasons she couldn't understand (her parents didn't love her, she is socially isolated, has terrible self-esteem, and needs the approval of living things that are smart enough to feel affection but too dumb to challenge her to take control of her life. Fucking-DUH.).

However, after some time to consider the incredible burden of her lifestyle, Willard gradually became more receptive to the idea of releasing her cats into the custody of animal control.

"That's when I pulled the trigger on 'the finisher'. It's always risky, because if they know you're lying your credibility is damaged big-time." explained officer Cronin.

"The finisher" is asserting that the seized animals will be nursed back to health and adopted out to good homes. If it works, the hoarder doesn't have to consider the ramifications of their irresponsible actions and will be more likely to cooperate. Fortunately, Samantha Willard was one of these rubes. The cats were removed from the property with the owner's permission. No charges are expected to be filed because, come on, isn't her life bad enough anyway?

As for the countless cranky cats, Cronin explained the process for dealing with large hoarding situations.

"We've got a big trunk-style freezer with the electrical parts removed and a hole where the AC cord fed in. Basically, we throw the cats in there, feed a hose from my truck's tailpipe to the hole in the freezer, and give it about three or four minutes a load. My boss called it 'Meow-schwitz' once. Uh--let's keep that off the record, though."

Dogs from hoarding cases are not euthanized because dogs are adorable and affectionate, while cats are usually just kind of dicks.

Bedelia Headed for Bedlam

Bizarro Manning, SC (BP)- Mentally ill housekeeper Amelia Bedelia was arrested today on charges of aggravated animal cruelty, but her employers claim it's all just a tragic mistake.

Police responded to the Rogers residence Friday morning to investigate a complaint of smoke, strange noises, and foul odors. One neighbor told the dispatcher that the owners of the home maintained a live-in housekeeper by the name of Amelia Bedelia, whose strange behavior was a subject of many local legends.

"We saw significant amounts of smoke emerging from a window at the rear of the house," said responding officer James Quintel. "After requesting the fire department be placed on stand-by, we knocked on the rear entrance and were let in by the suspect."

Bedelia appeared confused and troubled, muttering about a "dreadful task" that she had been assigned by her employer, Mr. Rogers.

Once in the kitchen, the two policemen discovered a scene they wouldn't soon forget. Quintel's partner, Blake DeForest, has never seen anything like it in his 15 years in law enforcement.

"Most animal cruelty cases are hoarders and dog fighters. Manning is the last place I'd expect to see violence as aggravated as this towards multiple animals," said DeForest.

Bedelia lead them into the kitchen, where two deceased dogs lay smoldering on electric stove-top burners. The officers shut off the range and began questioning the trembling housekeeper.

"She kept pointing at a list and saying that she was only doing what she was told," Quintel explained. "Everything was crossed off on the list except, I shit you not, 'Make hotdogs for picnic.'"

Five dogs, all abducted from nearby homes, were found dead in the Rogers home. Three had been placed into the kitchen's preheated oven. When there was no more room inside, Bedelia apparently used the stove-top range to kill the pets initially discovered by Quintel and DeForest.

Amelia Bedelia was arrested and taken to Calrendon County Jail to await a bail hearing for her five charges of animal cruelty. She may also face criminal trespassing and larceny charges after further investigation.

"I made a terrible mistake asking her to make hotdogs," said Bedelia's employer, Mr. Rogers. "There have been misunderstandings like this in the past, but my wife and I never believed it would go this far."

The Rogers family hired a lawyer to represent their housekeeper, and insist that she cannot be held accountable for her actions due to a rare mental condition for which there is no effective treatment.

Sharks Need to Shape Up

Bizarro Post Marine Biology Bureau- It's common knowledge that great white sharks tend to be on the large side, but researchers have noticed that the massive predators are developing some serious muffin tops.

"We checked in on our female [great] white, Mary Lee, and she's really been packing on the pounds," said marine biologist Dr. David Jones. "If she keeps this up, we'll need a bigger research boat! Get it? You see the reference I [Editor's note: Yeah, no.]"

The answer, as is often the case, can be traced back to human behavior.

As obese Americans flock to the American east coast, home of Mary Lee and scores of other sharks, the animals find themselves ingesting a diet consisting of sumo swimmers and tremendous tubers.

"Sharks are what they eat, just like anything else," said marine dietitian Moore Chumley. "And since they go after the slowest, most filling prey they can find, it makes perfect sense they'd alter their diet."

According to  Dr. Jones, Americans can help our sharks get back in shape by getting ourselves back in shape before submerging ourselves in the Pacific's salty slaughterhouse. A vigorous massage prior to swimming can also make your muscle fibers more tender and juicy for our toothy aquatic friends