Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Showing posts with label Law. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Law. Show all posts
Monday, November 11, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Texas Issues Apology to Grave
BIzarro Houston, TX (BP)- The state of Texas has issued an apology to an unmarked grave belonging to a man that was wrongly executed. This after CBS News spent a decade examining the unsavory facts behind the controversial trial that put Marshal Wilkerson on a gurney and into the ground.
"Hahaha, yeah, I remember that guy! 'Please Mr. Governor, don't execute me! I didn't do it! I have an IQ of 70! I don't even know how to tie my own shoes!'" Governor Perry recalled just before being informed of recent developments involving the Wilkerson Case. "Uhhhh, tarnation. Mable, I'm going to the range. Bring me my contemplatin' rifle. The one with the motivational kitties carved into the stock. Hold my calls."
A letter of apology was delivered to the graveyard, where it was nailed into the rectangle of granite bearing the prisoner numbers of those buried beneath it. The note read:
"Hey pardner,
Real sorry about stringin' ya up all falsely and whatnot. Please tell Satan that you didn't do it, and Governor Perry says it's okay for Jesus to let you into Heaven.
Happy Trails,
Rowdy Rick Perry"
It was nailed to three incorrect grave markers before the right one was finally located. Many have criticized the note as being callous and insensitive, especially since Wilkerson was Jewish. However, readers can take some comfort in knowing that because Wilkerson never learned to read, he wouldn't have known what it said anyway.
"Hahaha, yeah, I remember that guy! 'Please Mr. Governor, don't execute me! I didn't do it! I have an IQ of 70! I don't even know how to tie my own shoes!'" Governor Perry recalled just before being informed of recent developments involving the Wilkerson Case. "Uhhhh, tarnation. Mable, I'm going to the range. Bring me my contemplatin' rifle. The one with the motivational kitties carved into the stock. Hold my calls."
A letter of apology was delivered to the graveyard, where it was nailed into the rectangle of granite bearing the prisoner numbers of those buried beneath it. The note read:
"Hey pardner,
Real sorry about stringin' ya up all falsely and whatnot. Please tell Satan that you didn't do it, and Governor Perry says it's okay for Jesus to let you into Heaven.
Happy Trails,
Rowdy Rick Perry"
It was nailed to three incorrect grave markers before the right one was finally located. Many have criticized the note as being callous and insensitive, especially since Wilkerson was Jewish. However, readers can take some comfort in knowing that because Wilkerson never learned to read, he wouldn't have known what it said anyway.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Court of Public Opinion: A Juror is Judged
Bizarro Castle Rock, Maine (BP)- Maurice Lee unwinds every day after and usually during work by heading over to the Channel 7 News Facebook page and cutting lose on the latest arrest reports.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bizarro Bites: Shutdown Shenanigans
Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Sovereign Citizens: Darn It, There's Nothing We Can Do!
Bizarro Little Rock, AK (BP)- A court dismissed charges on a rural Arkansas couple who plotted violent acts against police officers, and the reason might surprise you.
Clem Joebobson stood in the Little Rock courtroom wearing a head-to-toe Realtree Mossy Oak ensemble, which is the official uniform of his sovereign state, The United Mobile Homes of Joebobson,
Judge John Silver began with the routine line of questioning. "Mr. Joebobson, you have been charged with making terroristic threats against a peace officer. Do you understand these charges and your rights as a defendant?"
"I am not a citizen of the United States, and I am not bound by its laws," replied Joebobson. "In fact, terroristic threatening is a national past-time in my nation."
The judge recoiled. "No! You're not saying!"
"Oh, but I am," Joebobson replied, "I'm a sovereign citizen."
"Nooooooo!!!" Judge Silver cried in anguish.
Clem and Joeleene Joebobson were freed within half an hour.
More and more citizens have become enticed to join the sovereign citizen movement, if only for the benefits it provides. When a citizen declares themselves sovereign, that means they are no longer bound by the laws that other Americans must follow. However, should that sovereign citizen wish to apply for SNAP, welfare, or disability, that remains an option as long as you don't talk about it with the other heavily armed cultists in your compound.
"It really gets my goat," said Justice Department head Eric Holder. "All they have to do is wave the sovereign citizen card and they're untouchable! I can't believe that actually works, and isn't something that only delusional idiots do before being dragged away by annoyed police!"
Clem Joebobson stood in the Little Rock courtroom wearing a head-to-toe Realtree Mossy Oak ensemble, which is the official uniform of his sovereign state, The United Mobile Homes of Joebobson,
Judge John Silver began with the routine line of questioning. "Mr. Joebobson, you have been charged with making terroristic threats against a peace officer. Do you understand these charges and your rights as a defendant?"
"I am not a citizen of the United States, and I am not bound by its laws," replied Joebobson. "In fact, terroristic threatening is a national past-time in my nation."
The judge recoiled. "No! You're not saying!"
"Oh, but I am," Joebobson replied, "I'm a sovereign citizen."
"Nooooooo!!!" Judge Silver cried in anguish.
Clem and Joeleene Joebobson were freed within half an hour.
More and more citizens have become enticed to join the sovereign citizen movement, if only for the benefits it provides. When a citizen declares themselves sovereign, that means they are no longer bound by the laws that other Americans must follow. However, should that sovereign citizen wish to apply for SNAP, welfare, or disability, that remains an option as long as you don't talk about it with the other heavily armed cultists in your compound.
"It really gets my goat," said Justice Department head Eric Holder. "All they have to do is wave the sovereign citizen card and they're untouchable! I can't believe that actually works, and isn't something that only delusional idiots do before being dragged away by annoyed police!"
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Ted Cruz Begins....Special Tactics
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canada) is confusing the living hell out of everyone by trying to filibuster a bill that has absolutely already been signed into law, refusing to move from the podium until he can no longer stand.
"If I knew what the hell he was doing, I'd tell you," said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "I'm not convinced he even knows what a filibuster even is. It's like if someone saw a 'Fast and the Furious' movie, jumped into their car, started racing around the streets, all the while insisting that the other motorists are racing him. It's reckless, and really just kind of sad."
Senator Cruz came prepared for his stand against Obamacare. He swapped out his usual go-to diaper for a high capacity Depends Heavy Doody model. To stave off boredom, Cruz also brought children's books, a fistful of Hotwheels, and a Gameboy Advance. Cruz is apparently not aware that he isn't allowed to stop talking during a filibuster. Fortunately for him, this isn't even a filibuster. It's just a guy forcing CSPAN 3 to record him playing with toys and carefully sounding out words in his books.
"Obamacare is the little engine that can't," Cruz said, waving the pop-up book above his head. "It tried to choo-choo up the mountain, but it couldn't because it's not a strong train with lots of coal. Coal makes steam so the engine can go 'CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA'!"
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) was seen eating popcorn and laughing hysterically throughout the speech.
During a dramatic reading of Goodnight Moon, Cruz perked up, as if struck with an epiphany. "The moon is scary! It comes out at night, and it's sometimes really big, and witches fly across it! Obamacare is even scarier than the moon! And it has like two witches on it!"
Apparently fighting hunger pangs, Cruz's train of thought soon turned to White Castle hamburgers. After that, he bragged that his father was the inventor of green eggs and ham. Independent research has revealed that this is not the case.
Currently, Cruz has produced a small laptop and is watching Spongebob. Rules governing filibusters would forbid the senator from stopping his speech for the duration of his filibuster, but since this is not a filibuster at all, there is nothing preventing Senator Cruz from singing the F-U-N Song before the empty Senate chamber.
"If I knew what the hell he was doing, I'd tell you," said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "I'm not convinced he even knows what a filibuster even is. It's like if someone saw a 'Fast and the Furious' movie, jumped into their car, started racing around the streets, all the while insisting that the other motorists are racing him. It's reckless, and really just kind of sad."
Senator Cruz came prepared for his stand against Obamacare. He swapped out his usual go-to diaper for a high capacity Depends Heavy Doody model. To stave off boredom, Cruz also brought children's books, a fistful of Hotwheels, and a Gameboy Advance. Cruz is apparently not aware that he isn't allowed to stop talking during a filibuster. Fortunately for him, this isn't even a filibuster. It's just a guy forcing CSPAN 3 to record him playing with toys and carefully sounding out words in his books.
"Obamacare is the little engine that can't," Cruz said, waving the pop-up book above his head. "It tried to choo-choo up the mountain, but it couldn't because it's not a strong train with lots of coal. Coal makes steam so the engine can go 'CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA'!"
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) was seen eating popcorn and laughing hysterically throughout the speech.
During a dramatic reading of Goodnight Moon, Cruz perked up, as if struck with an epiphany. "The moon is scary! It comes out at night, and it's sometimes really big, and witches fly across it! Obamacare is even scarier than the moon! And it has like two witches on it!"
Apparently fighting hunger pangs, Cruz's train of thought soon turned to White Castle hamburgers. After that, he bragged that his father was the inventor of green eggs and ham. Independent research has revealed that this is not the case.
Currently, Cruz has produced a small laptop and is watching Spongebob. Rules governing filibusters would forbid the senator from stopping his speech for the duration of his filibuster, but since this is not a filibuster at all, there is nothing preventing Senator Cruz from singing the F-U-N Song before the empty Senate chamber.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Football, Fallout, and the Friendless
Football Phenom Finally Free
Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.
Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.
"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"
Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."
The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.
"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."
With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.
"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"
True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.
"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.
"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"
St.John wearily objected.
"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"
In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.
"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."
"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.
"Yeah, yeah. What you said."
As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.
"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"
The court fell silent.
"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.
Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.
"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"
These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.
"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."
With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.
Nelson Builds Nuclear Families
Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.
Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.
The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.
"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.
One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.
"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."
The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."
A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.
"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"
As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.
After all, an armed society is a polite society.
Residents Eye Quiet Guy
Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.
"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."
The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.
"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.
As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.
Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.
Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.
"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"
Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."
The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.
"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."
With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.
"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"
True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.
"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.
"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"
St.John wearily objected.
"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"
In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.
"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."
"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.
"Yeah, yeah. What you said."
As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.
"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"
The court fell silent.
"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.
Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.
"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"
These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.
"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."
With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.
Nelson Builds Nuclear Families
Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.
Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.
The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.
"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.
One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.
"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."
The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."
A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.
"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"
As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.
After all, an armed society is a polite society.
Residents Eye Quiet Guy
Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.
"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."
The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.
"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.
As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Fascist Faces Felonies
Bizarro Hagen, Germany (BP)- 92-year-old former Nazi Waffen-SS officer Jakob Heppenheimer is on trial for allegedly shooting a Dutch resistance fighter to death just before the end of World War II: The Empire Strikes Back.
Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.
"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."
As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.
"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."
Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.
"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."
Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.
"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.
Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.
"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."
Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.
"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."
As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.
"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."
Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.
"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."
Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.
"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.
Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.
"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."
Friday, August 23, 2013
Mugshot Magazine Magnate Massacred
Bizarro Chicago, IL (BP)- Johnny Marston, editor of the popular publication Chicago Crimeshots, has been found dead in his Oak Park home of an apparent "mass homicide."
Chicago Crimeshots is a weekly publication that includes every mugshot taken by police during the previous week, along with wacky captions and puzzles. Since the shots become property of the public the instant they're taken, overhead was low and new content took very little effort to produce.
"It's an excellent model," said Marston in a 2012 interview. "It's cheap to produce, the demand is incredible, and I get to help expose dangerous scumbags in Chicago. If Americans had half the gumption that I've got, we wouldn't need all food stamps and welfare. The feral thugs in our streets would have no excuse not to join civilization!"
Critics called Crimeshots a "travesty of justice", pointing out that none of the photographed suspects had actually been convicted of a crime in a court of law. Marston's business was also investigated by journalists from Rolling Stone magazine, where it was discovered that Marston kept permanent online archives of Chicago mugshots available to the public. For a large fee, a mugshot could be removed. Content was never deleted for any other reason, even if the person was acquitted. If a friend, romantic partner, or employer searched the archives by name they could potentially find a mugshot of someone they knew, even if that person's charges had been dropped.
After Marston failed to make his usual visit to the publishing house, his associates attempted to contact him by phone.
"When it went to voicemail three times in a day, I knew something was up. Johnny's a professional, he takes pride in his product," said Start the Presses general manager Robin Stalvern. "He just doesn't ignore calls, especially not from his publisher when he's missing a deadline."
When Chicago Police arrived at the Marston residence, there were obvious signs of criminal activity.
"He had big privacy fences installed, so you couldn't see it from the street, but just inside was pure chaos," said responding officer Demarcus Foreman. "The way the door was ripped off its hinges, it was either Superman or a dozen men with more adrenaline than blood."
What was left of Johnny Marston was found strewn throughout the house. Medical Examiner Dr. Jordan Casper's best estimate is that the victim was stabbed well over 1,000,000 times by about 200 varieties of knives.
"Imagine making a six-foot-one, two-hundred-and-ten pound man out of Legos. Then imagine what it would look like if you took each and every Lego apart. That's what we're dealing with," said Dr. Casper.
Police have not identified any suspects, but they believe there may be a large number of individuals involved in this single homicide.
"As far as we can tell, the deceased had no enemies," said Detective William Horton. "I mean, besides everyone arrested for any reason in the Chicago metropolitan area within the last couple of years. I guess they'd be pretty pissed."
Chicago Crimeshots is a weekly publication that includes every mugshot taken by police during the previous week, along with wacky captions and puzzles. Since the shots become property of the public the instant they're taken, overhead was low and new content took very little effort to produce.
"It's an excellent model," said Marston in a 2012 interview. "It's cheap to produce, the demand is incredible, and I get to help expose dangerous scumbags in Chicago. If Americans had half the gumption that I've got, we wouldn't need all food stamps and welfare. The feral thugs in our streets would have no excuse not to join civilization!"
Critics called Crimeshots a "travesty of justice", pointing out that none of the photographed suspects had actually been convicted of a crime in a court of law. Marston's business was also investigated by journalists from Rolling Stone magazine, where it was discovered that Marston kept permanent online archives of Chicago mugshots available to the public. For a large fee, a mugshot could be removed. Content was never deleted for any other reason, even if the person was acquitted. If a friend, romantic partner, or employer searched the archives by name they could potentially find a mugshot of someone they knew, even if that person's charges had been dropped.
After Marston failed to make his usual visit to the publishing house, his associates attempted to contact him by phone.
"When it went to voicemail three times in a day, I knew something was up. Johnny's a professional, he takes pride in his product," said Start the Presses general manager Robin Stalvern. "He just doesn't ignore calls, especially not from his publisher when he's missing a deadline."
When Chicago Police arrived at the Marston residence, there were obvious signs of criminal activity.
"He had big privacy fences installed, so you couldn't see it from the street, but just inside was pure chaos," said responding officer Demarcus Foreman. "The way the door was ripped off its hinges, it was either Superman or a dozen men with more adrenaline than blood."
What was left of Johnny Marston was found strewn throughout the house. Medical Examiner Dr. Jordan Casper's best estimate is that the victim was stabbed well over 1,000,000 times by about 200 varieties of knives.
"Imagine making a six-foot-one, two-hundred-and-ten pound man out of Legos. Then imagine what it would look like if you took each and every Lego apart. That's what we're dealing with," said Dr. Casper.
Police have not identified any suspects, but they believe there may be a large number of individuals involved in this single homicide.
"As far as we can tell, the deceased had no enemies," said Detective William Horton. "I mean, besides everyone arrested for any reason in the Chicago metropolitan area within the last couple of years. I guess they'd be pretty pissed."
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Obama Chases Choomers
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- As part of President Barack Obama's perplexing campaign to crack down on marijuana, even in states where it can be grown for medical purposes, the president has issued an arrest warrant for 17-year-old Barack "Barry" Obama.
"We understand that this individual is operating an organization of some kind in Hawaii, several decades in the past," said DEA public relations manager Kerry Sanders.
Obama, leader of The Choom Gang, is believed to have trafficked and consumed large amounts of marijuana with his subordinate "Choomers" when not attending high school (pun not intended, but accepted). We obtained an exclusive interview with Paul Warren, a former member of The Choom Gang.
"Barry, yeah, he rose to the top of our little group completely organically," Warren recalled. "If he'd give up the dope, I think he could really make something of himself someday."
"We understand that this individual is operating an organization of some kind in Hawaii, several decades in the past," said DEA public relations manager Kerry Sanders.
Obama, leader of The Choom Gang, is believed to have trafficked and consumed large amounts of marijuana with his subordinate "Choomers" when not attending high school (pun not intended, but accepted). We obtained an exclusive interview with Paul Warren, a former member of The Choom Gang.
"Barry, yeah, he rose to the top of our little group completely organically," Warren recalled. "If he'd give up the dope, I think he could really make something of himself someday."
Monday, August 12, 2013
Judge: "Baby name's got to change!"
Bizarro Newport, TN (BP)- Child Support Magistrate Le Ann Ballew initiated a nationwide controversy after ordering that the first name of baby Kanye Deshawn McCullough be changed during a hearing on the baby's surname.
"The name 'Kanye' is a title and it's a title that has only be earned by one person and that one person is Yeezus," Judge Ballew run-on-sentence'd. "It's going to make it hard for him to maintain a Twitter account with a name like that, and he has no say in the matter at this point."
What the judge may not realize, however, is that Kanye rose in the male baby naming list from #480 in 2012 to #347 in 2013. Jacob and Sophia were at the top of the American list for 2012.
The most popular names for 2012 births in England and Wales were Harry and Amelia. In London, Muhammad was the most popular name for boys, and I'm sure they're super thrilled about that.
"The name 'Kanye' is a title and it's a title that has only be earned by one person and that one person is Yeezus," Judge Ballew run-on-sentence'd. "It's going to make it hard for him to maintain a Twitter account with a name like that, and he has no say in the matter at this point."
What the judge may not realize, however, is that Kanye rose in the male baby naming list from #480 in 2012 to #347 in 2013. Jacob and Sophia were at the top of the American list for 2012.
The most popular names for 2012 births in England and Wales were Harry and Amelia. In London, Muhammad was the most popular name for boys, and I'm sure they're super thrilled about that.
Stop-and-Frisk Stopped, Will to Live Dropped
Bizarro New York, NY (BP) After U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin ruled that New York City's stop-and-frisk law enforcement tactic was unconstitutional, advocates for civil liberties are celebrating what they believe to be a major win. But for Clarence Hart, 26, the practice's end represents a major loss.
"Stop-and-frisk changed my life. It gave me the strength to get out of bed every morning," said Clarence, dejected. "Now I've got nothing."
For the entirety of his adult life, Clarence has lived in involuntary isolation. With no friends, no relationships, and no human contact beyond a monthly phone call from his mother, stop-and-frisk marked a brand new chapter in the young man's life. Every day, Clarence walked the streets behaving as suspiciously as possible.
"I would carry around boxes with wires sticking out of them, I'd take bags full of oregano out of my pocket while making eye contact with the nearest officer, and every time I pass a cop on the street I reach for my waistband really quickly," he explained.
According to NYPD records, Clarence Hart successfully baited officers into frisking him approximately 430 times.
"I love the anticipation of them feeling my arms and shoulders," Clarence reminisced sweatingly. "And then they'd just keep going, down, and lower, and lower--"
NYPD Officer LT. Shane Michaels personally frisked Clarence four times.
"I should have caught on the first time he started moaning," recounted Michaels. "And he kept talking about how sometimes criminals hide drugs in their rectum, and then he'd wiggle his hips a little."
If Mayor Bloomberg fails in his appeal, Clarence's only social outlet will vanish forever--but young Mr.Hart has no intention of giving up.
"Getting to the airport every day is going to represent a significant expense, but I'm encouraged by some of the stories I've heard about the TSA checkpoints. They really root around in there."
"Stop-and-frisk changed my life. It gave me the strength to get out of bed every morning," said Clarence, dejected. "Now I've got nothing."
For the entirety of his adult life, Clarence has lived in involuntary isolation. With no friends, no relationships, and no human contact beyond a monthly phone call from his mother, stop-and-frisk marked a brand new chapter in the young man's life. Every day, Clarence walked the streets behaving as suspiciously as possible.
"I would carry around boxes with wires sticking out of them, I'd take bags full of oregano out of my pocket while making eye contact with the nearest officer, and every time I pass a cop on the street I reach for my waistband really quickly," he explained.
According to NYPD records, Clarence Hart successfully baited officers into frisking him approximately 430 times.
"I love the anticipation of them feeling my arms and shoulders," Clarence reminisced sweatingly. "And then they'd just keep going, down, and lower, and lower--"
NYPD Officer LT. Shane Michaels personally frisked Clarence four times.
"I should have caught on the first time he started moaning," recounted Michaels. "And he kept talking about how sometimes criminals hide drugs in their rectum, and then he'd wiggle his hips a little."
If Mayor Bloomberg fails in his appeal, Clarence's only social outlet will vanish forever--but young Mr.Hart has no intention of giving up.
"Getting to the airport every day is going to represent a significant expense, but I'm encouraged by some of the stories I've heard about the TSA checkpoints. They really root around in there."
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Kentucky Gets Shariah'd
Bizarro Frankfort, KY (BP)- The Commonwealth of Kentucky is stunned today after it found itself under the control of Shariah Law.
J. Michael Brown, Secretary of the Justice and Public Safety Cabinet, left his office to use the restroom early Tuesday morning when Taj Ali seized Secretary Brown's chair and called Dibs. Ali is a "qadis", which is a judge appointed to interpret Shariah Law. Justice Cabinet staff could only stand outside of the conquered office as Taj Ali began his work.
"If only we had outlawed this," said a dejected Secretary Brown, weeping softly as his name is scraped from the office door's window. "Why didn't we listen to Oklahoma, or North Carolina?"
The calling of Dibs legally transfers the authority of the Justice Cabinet to the control of the caller. Unless Ali leaves the office open to a Counter-Dib, it cannot be reclaimed. Supporters of Shariah Law brought a chemical toilet and coolers full of humus and bottled water--suggesting that the new head of Kentucky's justice branch wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
"We have seen that this state failed to explicitly forbid Shariah, and felt that this opportunity was too good to pass up," said Secretary Ali.
This is the second sudden change in administration for Kentucky in 2013. In early April, a Trekkie named Benjamin Thompson called Dibs on the Kentucky Department of Transportation. Driver's education courses were redefined as "Starfleet Navigational Academies", and all KDOT employees subordinate to Thompson were forced to wear skintight red uniforms.
J. Michael Brown, Secretary of the Justice and Public Safety Cabinet, left his office to use the restroom early Tuesday morning when Taj Ali seized Secretary Brown's chair and called Dibs. Ali is a "qadis", which is a judge appointed to interpret Shariah Law. Justice Cabinet staff could only stand outside of the conquered office as Taj Ali began his work.
"If only we had outlawed this," said a dejected Secretary Brown, weeping softly as his name is scraped from the office door's window. "Why didn't we listen to Oklahoma, or North Carolina?"
The calling of Dibs legally transfers the authority of the Justice Cabinet to the control of the caller. Unless Ali leaves the office open to a Counter-Dib, it cannot be reclaimed. Supporters of Shariah Law brought a chemical toilet and coolers full of humus and bottled water--suggesting that the new head of Kentucky's justice branch wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
"We have seen that this state failed to explicitly forbid Shariah, and felt that this opportunity was too good to pass up," said Secretary Ali.
This is the second sudden change in administration for Kentucky in 2013. In early April, a Trekkie named Benjamin Thompson called Dibs on the Kentucky Department of Transportation. Driver's education courses were redefined as "Starfleet Navigational Academies", and all KDOT employees subordinate to Thompson were forced to wear skintight red uniforms.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Teenage Girls in Solidarity: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is a Dick
BIZARRO WORLD (BP)- Despite the cynical predictions of social media scholars, teenage girls are by no means excusing the actions of alleged terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev--who has entered a not guilty plea on all 30 charges for his role in the Boston Bombings.
"This young man betrayed his friends, family, and country," said Ashlee Jermaine, 15, on her One Direction fanblog. "He attempted to murder people, even if they might have disagreed with America's foreign policy smh."
Comments like these are in stark contrast to the predictions of the Society of Bizarro Social Media Dynamics, who cited websites such as this on the Non-Bizarro Internet as an accurate barometer of what was to come.
"We were baffled at first," said SBSMD Chairman Rock Punchstone. "However, after going over our prior research on non-Bizarro social media, we've determined that their plane of reality is filled with morons willing to announce on a public forum that they adore mass murderers."
Revised models predict a consistent trend of disgust and indignation towards Dzhokhar Tsarnaev among females 13-18.
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