A Letter From President Vladimir Putin

Bizarro Moscow (BP)- Recent events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the Bizarro American people and their political leaders, none of whom know the true freedom of being without a shirt while applying a sleeper-hold to frantic salmon. It is important to do so at a time when Americans only know of my country through dash-cam crash videos, vodka, and Tetris (though these are our primary exports,  I admit).

Relations between us have passed through different stages. We compared rocket sizes in the Cold War. You have further mocked us with your terrible Indiana Jones sequel. But we were also allies once, when we defeated the Nazis. Yes, we did divide Germany with terrible, lingering consequences. And yes, you did nuke two entire Japanese cities just to show us you weren't scared to wave your atomic dongs around. But we did beat the Nazis, so this counts for something. The United Nations, in any event, is dedicated to prevent this devastation from happening once more.

The United Nations' founders understood that decisions of war and peace were best left to snide remarks made under the sterile conditions of dry, insincere diplomacy. No one wishes for the UN to fail as the League of Nations did. They collapsed because they lacked leverage. League delegates were unwilling to write the harsh and condemning letters that an international tribunal must be prepared to write (and send! To not send is cowardice in its purest incarnation!). America would be best served by sending such a letter. Dual purposes would be served, as President Assad would be made to feel very bad about the naughty things he did and it would not involve an international military provocation.

The international community has voiced its strong opposition to American forces striking Syrian targets in any capacity. The Pope has even said it! Do you want to be the one who makes the Pope sad? He seems like a very nice man. You seem nice too. Why would you want to hurt someone who is so much like you?

Furthermore, such a strike would destabilize the Middle East. Why should we risk ruining the enduring peace of the Middle East and North Africa? In doing so, you would be undermining the entire system of international law, which is adhered to strictly by every United Nations country without fail.

Syria is not witnessing a battle for democracy. My country was, however. Until I won.

But I digress. This is a struggle between a government who orders random executions, and a number of paramilitary groups who order executions based on religious affiliations or sinful acts. When killing is random, at least it is not personal. Just a necessary cost of business, you see. The fighters you seek to support disagree, and fill the Syrian streets with blood based on cruel pretenses rather than the need to perform some simple housecleaning.

Mercenaries from Arab countries fight there, and many militants from the western world have enlisted themselves as well. Might they not return to our countries with experience acquired in Syria? The only thing more militant than a recently recruited insurgent is an insurgent that has leveled up several times. Neither of us wish to see terrorists with high strength and dexterity buffs.

From the outset, Russia has advocated a plan that promotes compromise between the bloodthirsty partisans and the death-frenzied soldiers of Assad. We believe that they can come together to determine the future of their sovereign nation. We do not wish to protect the Syrian government, we just wish to play by the rules of diplomacy. These rules dictate that if you support a genocidal monster, you must conceal your support behind platitudes. The United Nations discourages global leaders from making statements of condemnation against powerful sociopaths, and for good reason. If you point out the elephant that is in the room, it may well charge at you next.

No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was not used by the Syrian Army, who were busy soothing a litter of frightened bunnies that had lost their mother to a rebel rocket attack. Did I mention they are turning some dirty looks to Israel? Just saying, guys!

It is alarming that military imperialism has become so commonplace in the United States. I cannot recall another country in recent memory that has engaged in selfish conflicts at the expense of countless civilian lives. Millions around the world are starting to see America as a nation that boasts of its brute force and makes thinly veiled threats to all who defy her whims. Again, I know of no other country that does that. Makes you think, does not it?

Force has proved to be ineffective and pointless. Yours, not mine. Afghanistan is in a constant state of exploding, as opposed to how it previously was before American intervention. And intervention from....somewhere else that I cannot recall. Libya is all sorts of jacked up. I haven't been paying much attention to Iraq, but I bet it sucks there as well. Just thought I would point this out.

You cannot possibly hope to target strikes with such precision that civilian causalities would be avoided. Careful and measured use of force is something that both of our nations have always advocated, after all.

The world is asking: if international law is not respected, what other way is there to protect your country but weapons of mass destruction? Other than the ability to hold the population of entire nations hostage for political leverage. And for making big, scary countdown sequences in Hollywood moviefilms. The international community must take advantage of Syria's sudden willingness to just hand over every single one of its chemical weapons, which it will definitely do. For real.

I welcome the president's interest in continuing to talk to my silent, grim visage while I think about how to inspire more topless protests. We must keep hope alive that we together we can create a future where Assad's upcoming purges can be ignored in unison.

Avoiding force in Syria will improve the fragile veneer of amicable relations, which is vital as we continue to conceal our extensive surveillance programs that probe one another's classified systems for weaknesses.

My working and personal relationship with President Obama is generally positive. He is one of a small number of global leaders who can bare his torso with confidence. Obviously, this is an attribute worthy of respect.

However, I wish to disagree with his advocacy of American exceptionalism. Obama insists that American policy makes the nation unique among all others. First, we all know good and well that we're a bunch of sneaky bastards. Come on, man. Besides that, it is a mistake to allow your public to believe that they are exceptional in some way. A proud and arrogant public is difficult to suppress. But a depressed and intoxicated public can easily be stifled by a strong, sexy leader. You've got the "IT Factor". Work it, baby.

Though we are different, I hope we can both remember that the Lord has made us equal, and has blessed us in many ways. But goddamn does he hate Syria.

Later Broskis,

Vladimir V. Putin, Eternal President of Russia

An End to Caring About Syria?

Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Americans are hopeful that they can return to not caring about Syria following an request by Russia that the Assad regime place its chemical weapons under international control. It appears at this time that Assad's government is receptive to the idea.

"Thank God!" shouted Flagstaff, Arizona schoolteacher Sharon Dupree. "It's been a really tense couple of weeks, having to answer questions from my students about all this. I didn't even know where Syria was until I scanned Wikipedia. Now I just can't wait to forget."

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been critical of American intervention since it was initially proposed, and has counted his nation as an ally of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. Putin's administration is hopeful that this new deal might halt military strikes by western powers, and reduce the diplomatic pressure placed on Russia by openly aligning themselves with a guy who orders mass murder like he was ordering a pizza.

"He is a good man, really. He is just very upset about mustache. It has always been a terrible burden," explained President Putin. "We are looking into giving him stem cells with DNA of Stalin on lip to perhaps fix this. Provided he meets certain conditions, of course."

Washington is undoubtedly examining this development very closely, but no immediate reaction has been observed. Analysts suggest that the White House may be revising their messaging for the planned address by President Obama on Tuesday.

A number of public figures wasted no time in addressing Putin's offer, including Invisible Children, the human rights advocates behind the controversial "Kony 2012" marketing blitz.

"They've been stealing our thunder for FAR too long!" fumed organization founder Jason Russell. "Kony 2013! Kony 2014! Kony FOREVER!"

Mr. Russell proceeded to disrobe and began twerking violently in the middle of a busy intersection.

It's a feeling that so many Americans can identify with in these trying times, as citizens long to be free from the oppressive violence and death of war. Our bodies are constrained by itchy cotton/polyester blends of combat. Our hips are stilled by the financial burden of occupation. Perhaps this and other developments will allow us the freedom we so desperately seek. The freedom to twerk with friends, twerk with family, and twerk with our communities. With Russia's surprising diplomatic strategy, perhaps the western world can twerk in peace once again.

Putin Wants Skaters Put on Ice

Bizarro Moscow, Russia (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin, while reviewing preparation efforts for the upcoming Winter Olympics, was stunned when aides showed him a video of past Olympic figure skating competitions.

"Wait, what is this?" shouted Putin, shielding his eyes to prevent the spread of Gay via osmosis. "We will remove this event! It cannot be permitted in a moral society!"

Russia has recently made the creation of "gay propaganda" an offense punishable by law. In the spirit of enforcing this statute, Putin filed a formal request to remove all skating events.

The International Olympic Committee immediately rebuked this request.

"Figure skating and other skating performances are inseparable from the Olympic Winter Games. To insult many of the world's greatest performers by casually dismissing their events is not acceptable to this committee."

President Putin intends to play hardball with male skaters by mandating that they use only "masculine movements" in their routines, and that all male participants must prove their heterosexuality by passionately fondling the armpit hair of Russia's most revered beauty queen, Svetlana Onebrowski.

Putin Makes Offer to Snowden

Bizarro Moscow (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to grant American fugitive Edward Snowden citizenship if he can beat him in a staring contest.

The headstrong political figure, known for his piercing gaze and shirt allergy, announced his challenge Monday afternoon while wrestling a hungry anaconda.

"There can be no weakness in a Russian," said Putin through a translator. "Rocks from space explode over our cities. Vodka drinking is national past-time. Dashcam of fatal accidents is chief export. American meth makes teeth fall out. Russian meth make legs fall off. If Snowden will look into my eyes so that I can read fabric of his soul, then maybe. Maybe."

Snowden, who has been living in a pillow fort at a Bizarro Moscow airport for the past month, seemed unnerved by the offer.

"Dude, I've read the NSA documents on KGB training," said Snowden, peeking out from his bunker. "They bring in a falcon, and you have to kill it just by making eye contact with it."

Nonetheless, hipster bloggers in communication with Snowden suggest that he is giving the offer serious consideration. Citizenship would mean that he could move freely throughout Russia, and he would be given a complimentary tracksuit. The offer is made all the more enticing due to Venezuela and Ecuador, nations that have both made asylum offers, being out of reach.

Although members of Congress have apparently grown weary of discussing the NSA leaker and his flight from American authorities, the Obama Administration is still adamant about arresting and prosecuting Snowden on espionage charges.

"Oh yeah?" said Vice President Biden when he was briefed on Putin's offer. "Well I challenge him to an arm wrestling contest. Nobody's ever beaten 'Iron Joe' Biden. I win, I get Snowden. He wins, hell, he can have Alaska. Let's go, man! Let's do this!"

Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney distanced the administration from Biden's candid comments. "The White House kitchen ran out of graham crackers, and Biden always gets cranky if snacktime doesn't go his way. Hopefully he'll mellow out after a nap."