Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
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