Bizarro Post Business Bureau- A stunned nation reacts with anger as Starbucks insults veterans an their spouses by offering them 10,000 jobs at their eateries.
"Like many Americans, I've found myself thinking about our veterans and getting more pissed off by the second," said the company's CEO. "Being incredibly rich and thus a minority, I found myself wondering what I could do to show them how I really felt about their kind. And then it hit me! I could offer them some really fucking shitty jobs in a venue where overprivileged fuckfaces in pea coats and scarves go to show off their new Apple products! And not just a few jobs, either! Thousands of them!"
As a barista, our brave men and women in uniform will be introduced to a civilian life of memorizing massive lists of sugary quasi-coffee drinks. They'll have the opportunity to meet pretentious assholes from throughout their community as they go from a position where they're constantly worshiped to a position where they are considered the dogshit on the sole of society's shoe. "Strength for now, strength for later?" Ahaha, good job falling for that one! Did you miss all those Gulf War and Vietnam veterans that got tossed into the streets to become hobos with severe mental illness? Or did you think things had changed? Because boy-fucking-howdy, have they ever not.
Starbucks joins unapologetic shitlords like UPS, McDonalds, and motherfucking Wal-Mart in sending a great-big "Fuck you!" gesture after you've been chewed up and spat out by a massive imperialist war machine in a world filled with massive imperialist war machines.
In other news, veteran suicide rates are through the roof. Gee, who could possibly reject a future of thankless toil and drudgery until you die of cancer you can't afford to treat? Sounds like the goddamn American dream from where I'm standing.
Did I mention that former defense secretary Roger Gates is on the Starbucks board of directors now? So the person pulling this shit is, in part, the very same one who casually sacrificed thousands so America's dickwaving endeavors in Afghanistan were not in vain! Ahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHA!
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