Bizarro Post Political Bureau- A study has revealed that 51% of Americans self-identify as "centrists", or people that claim not to have any political inclinations either way. In a subsequent study produced by The Bizarro Post, 98%* or that 51% are either self-important douches or irredeemably ignorant and gullible tools (*Margin of error +/-2).
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Spy Rockets in Flight
Bizarro Vandenberg Air Force Base- America's intelligence agencies thrust a giant middle finger towards its citizens and the international community by launching a "secret spy satellite" in conjunction with a full press briefing and photographs of the launch.
"Today's launch is dedicated to the men and women who think a privacy fence means they can skinny dip in their pools in peace. See you soon!" said a representative from the U.S. National Reconnaissance Office.
Seven minutes after liftoff, an media blackout was instituted. Yes, they are aware that publicizing the launch and blacking it out is contradictory.
"Because eat me, that's why," explained UNRO public relations manager REDACTED.
Delivery of the device into orbit was made possible by the Delta 4 Heavy, the most powerful rocket in America's arsenal. This mighty surveillance phallus dominated the sky and showed that Putin guy what time it was with its 2 million pounds of thrust (ladies~).
Unconfirmed sources tied to Julian Assange suggest that this satellite will have the ability to shine laser pointers in people's eyes from space.
"Today's launch is dedicated to the men and women who think a privacy fence means they can skinny dip in their pools in peace. See you soon!" said a representative from the U.S. National Reconnaissance Office.
Seven minutes after liftoff, an media blackout was instituted. Yes, they are aware that publicizing the launch and blacking it out is contradictory.
"Because eat me, that's why," explained UNRO public relations manager REDACTED.
Delivery of the device into orbit was made possible by the Delta 4 Heavy, the most powerful rocket in America's arsenal. This mighty surveillance phallus dominated the sky and showed that Putin guy what time it was with its 2 million pounds of thrust (ladies~).
Unconfirmed sources tied to Julian Assange suggest that this satellite will have the ability to shine laser pointers in people's eyes from space.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
New Mental Health Strategy Introduced
Bizarro Decatur, GA (BP)- A critical debate about mental health in America has been rekindled by Michael Brandon Hill, 20, who entered a Georgia elementary school with an AK-47.
"We have to do something, and do it now," said psychiatric expert Dr. Richard Smoker. "Society proclaimed that Sandy Hook was a call to action, but here we are again. We've learned nothing."
Fortunately, nobody was harmed during the incident, including the suspect. Shots were fired in the general direction of the police perimeter, but did not strike any of the responding officers. Despite the relatively positive outcome of this attack, mental health professionals commissioned by the Obama Administration chose to release a preliminary report today in response.
"The full report from our mental health panel is still pending, but we hope these recommendations can fuel public discourse and understanding," wrote President Obama in a brief memo included in the report.
The 50-page document is largely devoted towards analyzing rates of diagnosis and treatment for the most common mental illnesses, but there are several strategies you can use to avert a future crisis in your community.
Risk Factors:
-20-something white male.
-Physically unattractive.
-Currently attending therapy or taking medication for mental disorder.
-Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
-Unusual infatuation with "Sonic the Hedgehog" or "My Little Pony".
-Participates in online dating sites.
-Primary means of social interaction are Reddit and 4chan.
-Is frequently sad, or complains of persistent loneliness.
-Has bangs that are exactly the same length.
-Wears novelty t-shirts exclusively, or monochrome polo shirts buttoned all the way up.
-Parents pretend that he's not a burden, but let's face it, they're disappointed about the way he turned out.
Prevention Strategies:
-Report this individual to the proper authorities. Be sure to document how unpleasant their existence is to you. If they have not made any specific threats, feel free to make things up. The life you save could be your own!
-Separate yourself and everyone you know from this individual. You wouldn't stand next to a lit stick of dynamite, would you? Then why would you associate yourself with a shy, lonely future psychopath? The safety of the public depends on the high-risk person's total isolation!
-Stand up against any effort by Washington elites to make medicine and treatment more affordable and accessible. Many homicidal meltdowns occur after a person has neglected to take their medication. If they never have the chance to become medicated, this will never become a problem!
-If you are a Job Creator, make sure that you don't hire any of these dangerous individuals. If they use your paycheck to purchase their illegally modified full-auto rifles and thousands of rounds in ammunition, the blood of the innocent will drench your hands forevermore (does not apply to Armed Services recruiters or licensed mercenary groups). The mentally ill belong on the streets, in the subway systems, and in secret underground cities.
"We have to do something, and do it now," said psychiatric expert Dr. Richard Smoker. "Society proclaimed that Sandy Hook was a call to action, but here we are again. We've learned nothing."
Fortunately, nobody was harmed during the incident, including the suspect. Shots were fired in the general direction of the police perimeter, but did not strike any of the responding officers. Despite the relatively positive outcome of this attack, mental health professionals commissioned by the Obama Administration chose to release a preliminary report today in response.
"The full report from our mental health panel is still pending, but we hope these recommendations can fuel public discourse and understanding," wrote President Obama in a brief memo included in the report.
The 50-page document is largely devoted towards analyzing rates of diagnosis and treatment for the most common mental illnesses, but there are several strategies you can use to avert a future crisis in your community.
Risk Factors:
-20-something white male.
-Physically unattractive.
-Currently attending therapy or taking medication for mental disorder.
-Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
-Unusual infatuation with "Sonic the Hedgehog" or "My Little Pony".
-Participates in online dating sites.
-Primary means of social interaction are Reddit and 4chan.
-Is frequently sad, or complains of persistent loneliness.
-Has bangs that are exactly the same length.
-Wears novelty t-shirts exclusively, or monochrome polo shirts buttoned all the way up.
-Parents pretend that he's not a burden, but let's face it, they're disappointed about the way he turned out.
Prevention Strategies:
-Report this individual to the proper authorities. Be sure to document how unpleasant their existence is to you. If they have not made any specific threats, feel free to make things up. The life you save could be your own!
-Separate yourself and everyone you know from this individual. You wouldn't stand next to a lit stick of dynamite, would you? Then why would you associate yourself with a shy, lonely future psychopath? The safety of the public depends on the high-risk person's total isolation!
-Stand up against any effort by Washington elites to make medicine and treatment more affordable and accessible. Many homicidal meltdowns occur after a person has neglected to take their medication. If they never have the chance to become medicated, this will never become a problem!
-If you are a Job Creator, make sure that you don't hire any of these dangerous individuals. If they use your paycheck to purchase their illegally modified full-auto rifles and thousands of rounds in ammunition, the blood of the innocent will drench your hands forevermore (does not apply to Armed Services recruiters or licensed mercenary groups). The mentally ill belong on the streets, in the subway systems, and in secret underground cities.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Every Goddamn Thing Causes Cancer
Bizarro Post Medical Science Bureau- Dr.Robert Kline, a leading research scientist with the Engelhardt Cancer Institute, has released his long-awaited report on the most common catalysts for all forms of cancer.
The results are not good.
"Everything," said Dr.Kline, cradling his face in his hands. "Just everything. Everywhere. All the time. There's nothing you can do."
The list is extensive and includes many known carcinogen's, but there are many shocking revelations hidden within the report. New cancer causes include:
-Butt dialing.
-Living within 100 yards of a power pole.
-An apple a day.
-Wearing white after labor day.
-Allowing Farmville to post content to your friend's Facebook newsfeed.
-Leaving dirty dishes in the office kitchen. We're not your maids, Steve.
-Eating brussel sprouts to grow up big and strong.
-Double mastectomies.
-Being the guy that throws rocks at sleeping zoo animals because they're boring you.
-Writing a blog that nobody reads.
"Doomed," muttered Dr.Kline. "Doomed. Doomed."
Dr.Kline offered no further answers to our questions, though we will continue to inquire. It should also be noted that catatonic episodes provoked by major depression are responsible for some really nasty cancers. Just saying, Doctor. We'll be in touch.
The results are not good.
"Everything," said Dr.Kline, cradling his face in his hands. "Just everything. Everywhere. All the time. There's nothing you can do."
The list is extensive and includes many known carcinogen's, but there are many shocking revelations hidden within the report. New cancer causes include:
-Butt dialing.
-Living within 100 yards of a power pole.
-An apple a day.
-Wearing white after labor day.
-Allowing Farmville to post content to your friend's Facebook newsfeed.
-Leaving dirty dishes in the office kitchen. We're not your maids, Steve.
-Eating brussel sprouts to grow up big and strong.
-Double mastectomies.
-Being the guy that throws rocks at sleeping zoo animals because they're boring you.
-Writing a blog that nobody reads.
"Doomed," muttered Dr.Kline. "Doomed. Doomed."
Dr.Kline offered no further answers to our questions, though we will continue to inquire. It should also be noted that catatonic episodes provoked by major depression are responsible for some really nasty cancers. Just saying, Doctor. We'll be in touch.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Royal Birth Delights
Bizarro London (BP)- Scores of excited Britons gathered outside Buckingham Palace as Queen Elizabeth went into labor early Monday morning. According to the official Twitter account of the British monarchy, the first thousand eggs have been successfully delivered.
"We're so excited! It's been so long since I've sealed a little bundle of yolk in its cell!" said Ashley Williams, 25. "I live to serve the Queen!"
British Life Cycle
-The Queen leaves the safety of her palace and begins an elaborate mating dance, which is remarkably similar to "twerking", in order to entice a British male. After conception is completed, the Queen nourishes herself on the body of her mate.
-In preparation for the next generation of British citizens, "Worker Brits" begin making a waxy substance by chewing up copies of The Daily Mail with their jagged teeth. When the wax reaches the correct consistency, tubular cells are constructed.
-After a period of gestation (can you say "baby bump"!?), the Queen releases pheromones that draws her subjects to the palace. While British citizens experience a primal maternal drive, tourists and immigrants tend to describe the hormonal cocktail as musty and bothersome. As the eggs emerge from the Queen's thorax, her subjects gently transport them to the hive. They are sealed in individual cells, where they feed on their yolk until the larval stage begins.
-The larva remains in its cell as it grows, and is reliant on the adult Britons for nourishment. Putting their mastication skills to work once more, the doting adults chew mouthfuls of tea and crumpets into a soft paste before it is regurgitated into the mouth of the hungry larvae.
-Eventually, the larva pupates and develops arms, legs, eyes, and a cockney accent. The young Briton chews its way through the cell wall and emerges as an adult.
Royal Rumors
A new clutch of eggs is exciting enough, but whispers of a new Queen being in the works are growing in volume. Queen Elizabeth, who has continued to fulfill her duties well into her senior years, may not be capable of laying another generation.
"We prepare royal jelly as a matter of tradition," said Worker Brit Gordon Nelson. "We won't know if it's needed until the Palace gives the word. I live to serve the Queen!"
According to attending drones, Queen Elizabeth is doing well and the eggs all appear to be viable. Egg laying may go on for as long as 48-hours, though the advanced age of the Queen makes an exceptionally large batch unlikely.
"We're so excited! It's been so long since I've sealed a little bundle of yolk in its cell!" said Ashley Williams, 25. "I live to serve the Queen!"
British Life Cycle
-The Queen leaves the safety of her palace and begins an elaborate mating dance, which is remarkably similar to "twerking", in order to entice a British male. After conception is completed, the Queen nourishes herself on the body of her mate.
-In preparation for the next generation of British citizens, "Worker Brits" begin making a waxy substance by chewing up copies of The Daily Mail with their jagged teeth. When the wax reaches the correct consistency, tubular cells are constructed.
-After a period of gestation (can you say "baby bump"!?), the Queen releases pheromones that draws her subjects to the palace. While British citizens experience a primal maternal drive, tourists and immigrants tend to describe the hormonal cocktail as musty and bothersome. As the eggs emerge from the Queen's thorax, her subjects gently transport them to the hive. They are sealed in individual cells, where they feed on their yolk until the larval stage begins.
-The larva remains in its cell as it grows, and is reliant on the adult Britons for nourishment. Putting their mastication skills to work once more, the doting adults chew mouthfuls of tea and crumpets into a soft paste before it is regurgitated into the mouth of the hungry larvae.
-Eventually, the larva pupates and develops arms, legs, eyes, and a cockney accent. The young Briton chews its way through the cell wall and emerges as an adult.
Royal Rumors
A new clutch of eggs is exciting enough, but whispers of a new Queen being in the works are growing in volume. Queen Elizabeth, who has continued to fulfill her duties well into her senior years, may not be capable of laying another generation.
"We prepare royal jelly as a matter of tradition," said Worker Brit Gordon Nelson. "We won't know if it's needed until the Palace gives the word. I live to serve the Queen!"
According to attending drones, Queen Elizabeth is doing well and the eggs all appear to be viable. Egg laying may go on for as long as 48-hours, though the advanced age of the Queen makes an exceptionally large batch unlikely.
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