A Special Message From the Holy Prophet of the Grand Overspirit

The Holy Prophet is the anointed servant of the Grand Overspirit. All hail the Holy Prophet!

Greetings, blessed children of the Grand Overspirit. I come to you now with a vital message, for now is the time for the world to know the truth. Why now? The Supreme Court of the United States is currently considering a case that could potentially allow corporations to bypass any number of laws based on their religious beliefs. What an incredible occasion this is for our faith to blossom as it never has!

Sadly, many lost souls have not heard the commandments of the Grand Overspirit. I hope I can rectify this to some degree with a crash course in the teachings of the Spirit.

-The Grand Overspirit reigns in glory, and is unequaled. However, at the Spirit's right hand are the chosen few. I, of course, am among them. Standing with me are the world's elite. I stand among the CEO's, the hedge fund managers, and the political elite. These people are blessed with incredible wealth and business prowess through the touch of the Overspirit. And thus, they are granted special privileges.

-Once a person is among the Spirit's chosen, they can never be allowed to lapse into poverty or bankruptcy. It is the job of the state to "bail out" the afflicted chosen, and to invest in their continued prosperity. Failure to do so represents an unconstitutional breach of religious liberty.

-For those who are not chosen, a life of diligent labor is required. Abiding by the Spirit's teachings will guarantee the non-chosen a place in the Holy Labor Camps, where they will produce inexpensive goods for the chosen. Failure to abide by the teachings assures damnation and eternal torment. The following acts are forbidden:

      -Taking breaks, relieving oneself while on the clock, and any other activity that involves the cessation of labor.

      -Unionizing, or speaking of labor unions in a positive light is grounds for immediate damnation.

       -The Great Overspirit's infinite generosity permits a wage of $1 per hour for all American non-chosen laborers. No more. Less, however, is always a possibility.

       -Healthcare is only permitted for the chosen. The non-chosen may use an assortment of leaches or medical bleeding devices to balance their humours. However, no hospitals, clinics, or medical practitioners are allowed to squander resources on the non-chosen.

-Along with protection against financial hardship, the government has several more obligations that it must meet if it does not wish to illegally violate our religious doctrine.

      -Raising taxes on the non-chosen is permitted. Raising taxes or closing loopholes in ways that negatively affect the income of the chosen are mortal sins.

      -All elected delegates must represent the best interests of the Church of the Great Overspirit and the chosen. Failure to vote in our interests is a violation of the 1st Amendment.
     
      -The Great Overspirit wishes for all American law to be penned by chosen men who are active within the Church. All outsiders and non-chosen cannot be trusted to write legislation, nor do they have the supernatural knowledge needed to vote the correct bills into law. Any election that does not result in the election of a Church member is an illegal violation of our religious rights.

CEO's, executives, men or means! Please turn from your lives wrought with error and embrace the Church of the Great Overspirit. When the Supreme Court empowers us to a place of unquestioned authority, you can be at the forefront of our Church's proud movement. Official church membership cards are required. They can be obtained by making a tithe of $50,000 to the Prophet.

Sponsored: Brace for D.C. Doomsday with Purestrain Gold!

Bizarro Post Shady Ad Sales Bureau- Hello, Bizarro Post family. If you're anything like me, you're rich beyond all reason. So you probably aren't. But you can get one hell of a lot closer by doing one thing: Diversify your investment portfolio with gold!

But Bizarro Post editor, I don't have any investments whatsoever! "Diversifying your assets" sounds like something bad guys on TV shows say! True enough, but those bad guys are probably as rich as hell. If celebrity court cases and white collar crime have taught me anything, it's that being rich means never being responsible for the negative consequences of your criminal actions. You too can wield this mighty power with gold!

The meager collection of American currency you've managed to acquire through wage slavery is comprised of a thing called "fiat currency." Fiat currency is a monetary system that retains its value just because people believe it has value. There are no stable physical commodities backing up this money. Sounds insane, right? But it wasn't always this way!

There was a glorious time when America's monetary supply was backed by beautiful, glorious precious metal. It was a time where affordable labor could be bought for next to nothing at auctions. It was a time when only astute, land-owning gentlemen were allowed to vote in elections. A time devoid of illegal immigrants and petty political bickering! Believe it or not, your investment in gold is one small step back towards this utopia. So what are you waiting for? An invitation from the socialist in the White House!?

When fiat currency collapses due to massive inflation and society is in shambled, you're going to be glad you chose to hoard a big ol' chunk of glimmering gold in your crawlspace or bunker! Remember, fiat currency is only as valuable because people believe it is valuable. Shiny rocks are actually valuable because....I mean, come on, they're so goddamn shiny! No matter what bloodthirsty conclave you join after the upcoming nuclear Holocaust, your gold can be exchanged for goods and services absolutely anywhere. It's the universal symbol of value! Highwaymen and bandits have a long history of respect for men who carry gold on their person, because you've rejected the New World Order's system just like they have. Only you'll be going to Heaven with Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, and they'll be going to Hell with Communists like Ceasar Chavez and Mr. Rogers.

Don't take my word for it! Some of America's most beloved icons know that gold is where it's at:
-The Mario Brothers
-Blackbeard
-Goldfinger
-The Esteemed Lord Doctor Ron Paul
-Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps (Before the devil's grass claimed him)
-Scrooge McDuck
-Yukon Cornelius
-Professional Wrestler Dustin Rhodes
-George Castanza
-Mr. T

And think of all the practical applications that gold will have in a post-civility world!
-Forging chains, which hang low
-Paying tribute to Baal
-Building a Muisca city that is legendary among invading Conquistadors
-Making excellent headphone jacks

And that's just getting started! You'll be the talk of the wastelands when you wow the natives with your investment prowess, and then you're free to violently oppress them just like you always fantasized when you were bored at work!

If you're looking for a solid, stable foundation in this violently shifting modern world, an investment in gold is as good as.....gold.

Wal-Mart Puts Sweat Back in America's Shop

Bizarro Business Bureau-In a star-spangled spectacle, Wal-Mart chief executive Bill Simon announced that their massive retail chain would strive to include American-made products in a push to revive the nation's flagging economy.

"America needs more good, middle-class jobs to live happily and raise healthy families!" Simon says. "Too bad about that, really. Sucks to be you!"

Starting in 2014, Wal-Mart plans to take many of their sweatshop operations and relocate them throughout the American south, where governors are more likely to be receptive to Wal-Mart's neo-liberal economic model.

When asked about what will happen to the Vietnamese orphans and Chinese indentured laborers that would lose their jobs, Simon shrugged. "There's always the prostitution industry."

Interested in these exciting new jobs coming your way? Here's what you need to know:

-Ages 5-80 are eligible for employment.

-Starting pay is not having your legs broken by private security. After a 90-day probationary period, pay is increased to $0.04 an hour. Pending a positive annual evaluation, pay can be increased yearly as much as .000006%.

-Positions are 90 hours a week. Overtime pay is not provided. Breaks are provided when worker collapses, and continue until beatings awaken the employee. A five minute break is scheduled every day at noon for distribution and consumption of semi-edible nutrient bricks and whatever water is collected in rain barrels.

-Communal dormitories are provided by your generous benefactors. Leaving is not permitted. Guard towers monitor all ingress and egress for unauthorized departures. Violators will be shot and rendered into True Value dog food.

-Guaranteed promotions, in that death is favorable to remaining employed at a Wal-Mart manufacturing facility.

Wal-Shabob Terrorizes Part-Timers

Bizarro Terror Bureau- Paramilitary group Wal-Shabob has released a disturbing new video claiming to show a hostage paycheck laying before heavily armed, masked partisans. The group has threatened to dismember the check, belonging to 83-year-old door greeter Marilyn Wilson, if their demands are not met.

One of the insurgents spoke to the camera, gesturing angrily with his finger in the air. "We demand the end to subsidized healthcare. It must be entirely privatized! We demand that the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement be enacted! We demand the ability to sell products from any sweatshop we desire, and the freedom to treat our employees with the respect they deserve by making Right to Work a federal law. Americans deserve the right to work with no protection, and they deserve the right to be fired for any reason with no notice. Agree to this, or the check will face the consequences."

A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.

"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.

Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.

Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.

"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"

The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.

"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."

Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.

"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"

ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.

Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."

Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.

"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."

The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.

"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."

They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.

Boehner Spits Mad Wisdom

Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- The childhood home of rapper Marshall Mathers, known popularly as Eminem, can be purchased for as little as $1. On Wednesday afternoon, Republican John Boehner used Eminem's meteoric rise to affluence as a testament to the virtues of hard work and perseverance.

"We've got this young man who had nothing, and now the world is his oyster," said Boehner in a daily news briefing where Republicans use "Obama" as a prefix for unpleasant Twitter hashtags. "He didn't get there with #Obamaentitlements, with #Obamahandouts, and he sure didn't get there with #Obamacare."

Eminem has featured the small bungalow on two of his album covers, and told the story of his troubled childhood in the movie 8-Mile, so-named for the notoriously dangerous community the house sits in. Detroit's massive economic depression and violent crime rates have rendered much of the city's properties virtually worthless.

Boehner continued his argument. "Kids in America need to reject the gangster rap, the violent lyrics, the thug life, and do what Em-and-ems did. Pay attention in school, learn your music theory, and ask your parents to invest in some studio time. It's not easy, but it pays off."

South Carolinians Taxed More Than Enough Already

Bizarro Columbia, SC (BP)- South Carolina is concluding the fiscal year with an even higher surplus than anticipated, and residents are furious.

"I expected better from [Governor] Haley," said Summerville resident Fran Shoemaker. "Taxes are enough of a burden, but now you're telling me that they took more of my money then they needed? It's obscene!"

The government of South Carolina largely consists of staunch conservatives, who are wary of any spending or federal contributions and programs. As a result, the state is reporting a surplus of $160 million for the 2012-13 fiscal year.

"We won't let this sneak its way out of the news cycle," said Columbia Tea Party organizer Cynthia Bauman. "The capitol will be held accountable for its irresponsible over-taxation."

The majority of South Carolina residents respond positively to messages touting "spending cuts" and "fiscal responsibility" according to surveys and focus groups. It's little wonder that like-minded politicians tend to get elected.

"I'm not a tax-and-spend kind of guy, but anyone can see we've got problems with our roads. Potholes everywhere, dangerous intersections, the works," said Charleston local Mitch Carlyle.

"Look, I dislike government spending as much as the next guy, but beach erosion should be a top issue. That and keeping dangerous bacteria away from the beaches," said Myrtle Beach store owner Brent Carmack.

"Instead of dumping money into other frivolous crap, we need to focus on our school systems. They're lagging behind," said Loris teacher Shirley Harris.

"We've got to get a handle on this spending that our government's been doing. But damned if that bridge isn't looking mighty rusty. Aught to fix that. Don't know why they haven't," said Florence hotel manager Tim Sheldon.

Bizarro Detroit's Ultimate Challenge

BIZARRO DETROIT, MI (BP)- Governor Rick Snyder stunned the nation with shocking news from the city of Bizarro Detroit.

"I think it's time to face facts. We've got too much money," said an exasperated Snyder.

The problem has been looming despite the city's best efforts. As the treasury began to swell due to the incredible popularity of General Motors vehicles and a constant influx of skilled labor.

A quick fix to the overflowing coffers was to upgrade every aspect of the city's infrastructure to mimic the most efficient and advanced systems of transit, data transmission, and public works in the world. But this tactic lead to embarrassment for officials at every level. Bizarro Detroit was now the best possible place to do business in a way that was mathematically quantifiable. China outsourced--colonizing vast expanses of B.D. real estate. The explosive increase in revenue lead to a Chinese economic boom, compounding their industrial sector growth by leaps and bounds.

Bizarro Detroit tactics became more extravagant and desperate as the sprawling metropolis expanded. Streets were paved with adamantium, making potholes impossible. Police officers were given large caches of money to carry in their patrol Hummers so that instead of arresting criminals they could offer them large sums of money to leave the city.

"I was robbing liquor stores to finance my crack habit," said former Bizarro Detroit resident Ima T. Weaker."One day a cop busts me making a score, but get this; he hands me a bigass suitcase full of cash and told me it was all mine if I left. 'Hell yes," is what I said. In Houston now, and I've graduated to cocaine. I get it DELIVERED."

As the crime rate dropped to unprecedented rates, bored police officers began taking night classes in courses in order to join the exalted ranks of Bizarro Detroit's "Silicone Sector", or to build GM's burgeoning line of hovercars.

"I actually got a liberal arts degree," said Lt. Pablo Monet. "Sure, I can sculpt phallic statuettes now, but there's not a goddamn thing I can do with it professionally. And that's the amazing part. I got it just to get it."

Today, the situation came to a head. As money began to literally overflow from the city treasury and rain down on disinterested residents, President Obama received an call he had hoped would wait for the next administration.

"I'm monitoring this situation," President Obama said in a hastily assembled press conference. "There have been talks about using their surplus funds to finance a war with Canada. I think we can take Ontario, at least."

As federal and city officials convene, Bizarro Detroit has begun the clean-up process. Public works officials were seen scooping the runaway cash into dump trucks for disposal at the space-age city recycling center.

"We don't want this crap getting into the storm drains or--God forbid--[Lake] St.Clair or Erie. God knows where these things have been," said B.D. Public Works Supervisor Blue Calard.

From Mismanaged to McManaged

Bizarro Money- A budgeting guide designed to assist McDonald's employees is revolutionizing the way Americans from many professions spend and save money.

Known to its devotees as "McBudgeting", the personal finance system is based on algorithms that maximize your lifestyle and minimize your worries. If bad budgeting is making you "Grimace", here's how to "Supersize" your potential.

1. Get a second job.

"I was blown away," said McBudgeter and CEO of Dinoco Oil Co-operative. "Working two jobs was just unfathomable. I'm making a couple of mil' a quarter as it stands. But there's no denying it. Two jobs means more money!"

The math is undeniable. Over 70 hours of work a week is going to take some of the bite out of your bills. To maximize your productivity, remember that you only need about four hours of sleep a night to avoid hallucinations and acute organ failure.Most meals can be eaten in less than a minute if you put some effort into it, and if you've got a day off at one job, you can offer to work twice as long at your other position.

2. $600 rent or bust!

Human society has alpha providers and cringing betas. If you want to assert your dominance, you've got to be willing to put some pressure on the landlord. Walk into their office with your shoulders back and your chin up. Ladies, it wouldn't hurt to show some leg. Look your landlord right in the eye and tell them that your rent is now $600 a month, and you'll be goddamned if you're going to pay a single red cent more.

If your landlord's got a bit of an alpha streak, you may have to push harder. Consider getting some badass temporary tribal tattoos, or wearing a boa constrictor around your neck. Rub your pheromone glands against his desk and bare your incisors. Once he exposes his soft underbelly and discontinues eye contact, you know your work is done.

3. Find the right health insurance.

Your health insurance woes can be put to rest if you put in the work, which most scrubs just can't be bothered to do. My cousin, the one who knows some "people", turned me on to a up-and-coming insurance company called Cheapasfree. For $20 a month, they mail you five Band-Aids and an opened, half-empty container of Baby Aspirin.

"I started thinking," said Alpha Beta Phi Pledge Brah Cooley, whose father owns a car dealership. "Like, what health problem do I have the most? Usually a hangover, maybe a papercut and stuff. Taking the Cheapasfree Insurance economy package was a no-brainer!"

4. Don't fall for the lies of Big Heating.

Every winter, thousands fall victim to the elements. The heating lobby wants you to believe that their agonizing deaths could have been prevented if they had access to natural gas for their heaters, which is simply not the case. The elderly are teetering on the edge of death anyway, and poor people just aren't trying hard enough. You don't need to spend a dime to keep warm and toasty--even in the most devastating blizzard.

First, a lot of body heat can be lost through the feet and groin. Wear several pairs of socks at all times, and cup your hands over your junk to deflect the heat back towards your body. In a pinch, you can usually find a material in the walls of your home called "Fiberglass Insulation". Stuff this fluffy material against your vulnerable nether regions and you'll be immune to Jack Frost's cruel nippings. If your building utilized Asbestos insulation, you can still use it as long as you hold your breath while applying it.

5. Seek solace in solitude

The greeting card industry won't like this one bit--but let's face some home truths here; other people are a huge burden.

Friends demand that we waste valuable working time "enjoying one another's company." Families weep and moan about how you never visit on the holidays. Hey Gran-Gran, how about getting off your powerchair and earn some damn money like your grandson over here?

Relationships are a sham that society has sadly come to embrace. Have you ever seen a dog in heat, surrounded by gentledogs wishing to court her? It's the very model of efficiency. Their model focuses on the only important part of any relationship, cutting out the drudgery of expensive meals and parental introductions. There are no fights, and divorce is rendered irrelevant. Everyone keeps their money, and you've invested about 30 seconds at the most. That leaves 30 seconds left to finish that sandwich and get back to the french fry station in time for the afternoon rush.

Finally, there's the matter of reproduction. Is there anything more useless than a baby? Its earning potential is non-existent. The organs are too small to sell in most markets. Men can avoid this crippling expense by wearing an elaborate disguise during copulation, and quickly leaving when the act concludes. Make sure she can't see your license plate, and never accept a phone call from anyone associated with Maury Povich. Women have it quite a bit easier, as their bodies have a way of shutting that whole thing down in the event of an accidental pregnancy.

No matter what you do for a living--whether you perform oil changes on cars, help people with their taxes, or write articles in exchange for Fast Food Lobby money--McBudgeting can turn your life around, just as it did mine.

McBudgeting? I'm lovin' it.