Bizarro Hollywood Blitzekrieg! October, 2013

Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?

As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite  But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.

Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.

Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.

Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.

That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died

Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.

"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.

Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.

Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.

Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering

Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.

"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.

The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.

Exclusive Lyrical Sneak Peek-Kidz Bop Volume 145

Bizarro Post Novelty Album Bureau- Another year means another exciting edition of Kidz Bop! Bizarro Post has an exclusive sneak peek into the next toe-tapping album!

Grrrrr'd Lines

Ok, we'll soon be close
Try to domesticate you
You are a Labrador
To fetch is in your nature
Got those pedigree papers
Two purebreds were your maker
And that's why you're such a

Good girl!
Who's a good girl!?
Who's a schoogie woogie?
Whoosh a sweetie-weetie?

[TI]
Hustle fuzzy homie
One thing I ask of you
Lemme be the one you bring the stick back to
A frisbee and baseball too
Had a bitch, but she wasn't as skilled as you
Give me a bark when I pass through
Give you doggie biscuits til' your tummy gonna break in two

Boehner Spits Mad Wisdom

Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- The childhood home of rapper Marshall Mathers, known popularly as Eminem, can be purchased for as little as $1. On Wednesday afternoon, Republican John Boehner used Eminem's meteoric rise to affluence as a testament to the virtues of hard work and perseverance.

"We've got this young man who had nothing, and now the world is his oyster," said Boehner in a daily news briefing where Republicans use "Obama" as a prefix for unpleasant Twitter hashtags. "He didn't get there with #Obamaentitlements, with #Obamahandouts, and he sure didn't get there with #Obamacare."

Eminem has featured the small bungalow on two of his album covers, and told the story of his troubled childhood in the movie 8-Mile, so-named for the notoriously dangerous community the house sits in. Detroit's massive economic depression and violent crime rates have rendered much of the city's properties virtually worthless.

Boehner continued his argument. "Kids in America need to reject the gangster rap, the violent lyrics, the thug life, and do what Em-and-ems did. Pay attention in school, learn your music theory, and ask your parents to invest in some studio time. It's not easy, but it pays off."

Billy Ray Cyrus Monetizes Ache-y, Break-y Heart

Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau- Billy Ray Cyrus might be a long country mile away from being relevant, but that doesn't mean he's sitting on his hands. The former be-loath-ed country singer and Hannah Montana supporting actor is making a lucrative career out of reacting to things his daughter, Miley Cyrus, does.

"People think it's easy. Like, it's not even a legitimate career," Cyrus drawls. "But my job is to look at my daughter's boobs and then create a dissertation around how I feel. Then I've got to go through the whole process a three or four dozen times for all the magazines and blogs. It's a full time job."

Unlike Lady Gaga, whose nudity is expected and demanded, Miley Cyrus is seen as a wholesome pop star in the style of The Mickey Mouse Club. The disappointed father narrative appeals to this public perception, and Billy Cyrus is able to charge a considerable fee to describe his experience witnessing his daughter grinding her nether regions on a wrecking ball.

"Some of the things I have to witness really curl my mullet," growls the professionally disappointed dad. "But what the hell, I'm doing better than I ever have financially. Her failure to make good decisions makes me proud."

Radical Rapper Riddled with Rounds

Bizarro Post Obituary Bureau- A pioneer in the rap game has been killed in Somalia today. Omar Hammami was 29.

Starting at small clubs in his home state of Alabama, Omar "Al-Amriki" introduced a new style that came to be known as Jihadcore, which was defined by its use of explosion sounds in beats and violent lyrical content. His performances eventually made their way to YouTube, where they garnered a huge audience nearly overnight.

"This shit is hype as fuck!" wrote a critic on the 3 Dope Boyz blog.

As the Youtube links spread like wildfire, offers from avant garde recording studios began to appear in droves. Al-Amriki ultimately signed with the Hez Balla's label and started poppin' off. His hits include Martyr's Paradise, B.O.M.B., and his Somali pirate anthem Boatin' Dirty.

After The Man chased him out of America with a $5 million bounty, Al-Amriki signed on with Al-Shabizzle Records based out of Somalia. But it wasn't long before Omar and his new boss came to blows over creative differences. Al-Shabizzle's "Rocket Propelled Gangsters" stable vowed to put a cap in his ass, and it seems that today somebody has made good on that threat.

Despite his demise, three new albums have just been announced in addition to a greatest hits album, Straight Outta Daphne.

Country Crooners Corrupting Culture

Bizarro Reno, NV (BP)- In the wake of the Folsom Blues Killer's arrest, parents and family advocacy groups are leveling harsh criticism at country music and country music culture.

"It's time that God-fearing Americans take a stand against this smut," said Marilee Dubois, a spokeswoman for the Family Association of Familial Families. "Nobody else needs to lose their lives to this culture of violence."

Hunting for the Man in Black

Fredrick North, 19, was arrested Tuesday and charged with seven counts of first-degree murder. North's rampage terrorized the Reno area, cutting sharply into tourism during an economically vital season. The victims, all male adults, were found alone in their motel rooms with gunshot wounds that left them alive, but incapacitated. Investigators received their big break when North called in to a radio show on Big Country 81.3 FM.

"I shot them, yes," rasped North into the phone. "Just to watch them die."

After determining that the call had been made from a payphone outside of an RV park on East 2nd Street, police were able to get accounts of a suspicious person from employees and patrons. Despite the searing heat of a Nevada summer, North wore an entirely black outfit; complete with gloves, a trenchcoat, and a Stetson. An hour later, a half mile from the payphone, a gas station clerk reported a man in a trenchcoat with a revolver tucked into his waistband. North purchased a bottle of water and left without incident.

"He just struck me as dangerous. He was staring a thousand miles right past me," said cashier Angela Romero.

Reno police and FBI agents descended in force, placing a sweating and compliant Fredrick North under arrest.

"He surrendered without incident, and we were able to secure his weapon immediately," said FBI agent Scott Molder. "We'd like to thank the public for their support in locating this dangerous individual."

A Nation Demands Action

The talking point began as soon as the cuffs snapped shut: What role did country music and country-western culture play in this and other violent acts?

"This killer, this Fredrick North, he was inspired by a thuggish country song by known drug fiend Johnny Cash," growled conservative talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh. "And this isn't the only example, folks! It's only going to get worse unless we challenge the 'PC police' and take decisive action."

 Pictured: Johnny Cash, probably responding to an elderly nun asking for an autograph

Country music is known to include references to gun-play, alcohol consumption, and wanton sexuality outside of the sanctity of marriage. Movies such as True Grit and Tombstone include casual acts of murder, execution, and violence against women. According to critics, these common themes can glamorize criminal behavior and causes additional acts of violence from impressionable consumers.

Pressure to act has reached Capitol Hill, but lawmakers are warning that there isn't much they can do Constitutionally. Tea Party lawmakers, however, have pledged to take the fight against obscenity to the streets.

"I'm not afraid to tell the truth, and nobody else should be. It's this pervasive culture among southern whites, constantly promoting this dangerous lifestyle of gunslinging and cattle rustling," said Ted Cruz (R-Canada). "They're going to be taken to task, be sure of that!"

Country music fans aren't taking this challenge lying down. In Nashville, known globally as the home of country and bluegrass music, an organized effort to defend the city's cultural foundation is underway.

"We're just telling stories about the way things are on the dirty south streets. No really, they're actual dirt, so they're demonstrably dirty," said recording artist Hank Atwood. "This is poetry from the farms. From the dusty bars where you can put your boots up and speak your mind." 

A brand new culture war appears to be in the cards. Two posses prepare to throw down on one another at high noon, hot irons gleaming in the cruel desert sun. Barrels gape like empty eye sockets. Air's so thick, you can practically taste a tinge of blood against your parched tongoddamnit they got me too. Look, anybody know where a guy can buy a spittoon at this hour?

Professionally Offended: When Miley's Twerkin', We Start Workin'

Bizarro Post Media Bureau- Fans of being offended were thrilled with last night's Video Music Awards on MTV, which fulfilled their desire to be angry about things that ultimately have no effect on their lives.

"This was a great year for outrage," said Pastor Randy Maxwell. "I was up until two in the morning writing angry letters to newspapers and politicians. And just wait until you hear my next sermon! Nothing gets the juices flowing like some old fashioned rage!"

What MTV's annual award show lacks in legitimacy as a critical examination of artistic skill, it has always made up for it by infuriating countless people from all walks of life. It's estimated that anger enthusiasts represent nearly all of the audience still watching the VMAs.

The event reached peak obscenity when Miley Cyrus performed whatever it is she's singing now. Her performance included graphic pantomiming of every sex act known to man, the sexual harassment of teddy bears, and culminated with simulated intercourse between Cyrus and what appears to be Beetlejuice's douchey cousin. Plus, her mom was totally in the audience.

"This degrading performance insinuates that women are defined entirely by their sexuality," said feminist blogger who actually makes a living writing a blog Aneeda Sharkeesian. "The inclusion of teddy bears in a high explicit performance by a former child star also sexualizes children, which is never acceptable."

Actually, yeah, that was really goddamn creepy. What the hell, Cyrus? That's actually gross. Now I'M pissed at your stupid post-relevance flailing.For God's sake, talk to your frigging manager before you try to choreograph something again, you giant doofus.

Damn MTV, you're still pretty good at this.

Judge: "Baby name's got to change!"

Bizarro Newport, TN (BP)- Child Support Magistrate Le Ann Ballew initiated a nationwide controversy after ordering that the first name of baby Kanye Deshawn McCullough be changed during a hearing on the baby's surname.

"The name 'Kanye' is a title and it's a title that has only be earned by one person and that one person is Yeezus," Judge Ballew run-on-sentence'd. "It's going to make it hard for him to maintain a Twitter account with a name like that, and he has no say in the matter at this point."

What the judge may not realize, however, is that Kanye rose in the male baby naming list from #480 in 2012 to #347 in 2013. Jacob and Sophia were at the top of the American list for 2012.

The most popular names for 2012 births in England and Wales were Harry and Amelia. In London, Muhammad was the most popular name for boys, and I'm sure they're super thrilled about that.