North Korea Slips One Past...Everybody

Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Following Secretary of State John Kerry's secretive deal with Iran, Republicans loudly objected that it wasn't necessary for Iran to develop weapons-grade radioactive material inside Iran itself. According to GOP officials, North Korea could provide Iran with all the ingredients required to make a nuclear warhead from its own stockpiles. It seems that their grave predictions have come to pass today, as Iran gleefully unveiled their nuclear missile kit over state television.

"Hahaha, you imperialist pigs believed us! Talk about owned!" said an Iranian regime spokesman.

The video revealed an assortment of parts and a copy of Nuclear Proliferation for Dummies: A Reference for the Craziest of Us.

North Korea is also taking the opportunity to boast after the historic trade between the two countries, who share little in common beyond their mutual disdain for the west. The materials departed Yongampo in a large crate marked "VERY LEGAL MATERIALS. MAKE NO OPENING IF NOT ARE IRAN!"

Both the State Department and the Pentagon are mystified over how the shipment managed to travel over land for nearly 4,000 miles without interference. During its journey, the crate moved through China, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Turkmenistan. There were never any inspections or scrutiny, even though pretty much everyone is very cynical about North Korea's goofy bullshit. A number of border agents are reportedly facing severe disciplinary action over their monumental failure, particularly in China. As one Chinese inspector was dragged away to the organ harvesting shed, he remarked to assembled reporters that the shipment had "looked totally legit" to him.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), having tiptoed away from his Benghazi gimmick, took the opportunity to jump on the fast train to Itoldyousoville.

"My starth, you guyth, I muth have thaid it a thousand timesth! Maybe nexth time y'all will take me theriously."

Bizarro Insiders: Security Officer Pens True Account of Benghazi Incident

"Morgan Jones" is the pseudonym being used by a security officer and American contractor that witnessed the Benghazi attack for-real-real, and not for-play-play. Below, in his own words, is a brief account of what happened that day.
It all started in a bar, where I was drinking "Jimmy Beefslab", the most badass mercenary in the business, right under the goddamn table. He might have been fluent in the ancient language of Shit-Talk, but he handles his whiskey like a man whose liver's made of paper mache'.

The first shot cuts through the air, and I'm as sober as the pope.

"Some shit's finally going down, boys," I says.

And they're like, "Aw shit, down at the embassy? You need some backup?"

"Yeah," I say. "I'll need you to guard that bottle of whiskey until I'm finished kicking ass."

Next think I know, I'm jumping over the motherfucking wall of the American embassy, and it's like an Al Qaeda family reunion. All of the biggest, most hardass insurgents in North Africa were staring me down. So I figure, it's time to get this party started. And what'a a party without a pinata? Only nobody had the decency to bring one, so I had to use this insurgent's head and the butt of my rifle. And that's all it took to light a fire under his buddy's asses.

It was pure Matrix shit in there, the way I dodged those rounds. I was moving so quickly, I couldn't even shoulder my rifle. If I was going to survive this shitstorm, my black belt martial arts would have to do. My body flowed from evasive maneuvers directly into roundhouse kicks and haymakers. Even if those bastards had dental records, they'd be useless for identifying the bodies when I got done with them.

These terrorists were real pros. I could tell because they waited for me to leave before making their play. And because they decided to stop being retards just this once, there were American causalities. Goddamnit, I'm only one man with the strength of three. Obama knew that, but he neglected to teleport operatives in to keep things warm until I showed up. Yeah, I said "teleport." We can do that. How do you think Obama gets his crisis actors from place to place so quickly?

Anyway, I take a few minutes to scream at the sky while kneeling over the employees who fell victim to these scumbags before those scumbags had a chance to fall victim to my knuckles. But there was no time to mourn. I learned that Stevens had been transported by civvies to a local doc-shop to see if something could be done. Nothing could. Not until I was there, anyway.

Using the rooftops to bypass the roadblocks, I finally arrived in the overtaxed medical center where I shoved the bewildered doctors aside and performed High-Efficiency CPR for well over an hour. Alas, though my hands are instruments of death, they failed to return a life on that terrible day.

As I stood in that crowded trauma ward, I lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and put it out on my bicep. Now was not the time for tears, however manly those tears would have been. Now was the time for retribution.

A lot of people have made noise about me telling my employer that I was in my villa during the entire incident, and that I couldn't even get close to the compound after I hit the road blocks and decided to give up and go home. But you've gotten a taste of the truth today, my fellow Patriot. And if you want the whole truth, you'll do your civic duty and grasp it firmly in your hands. You may grasp it firmly at any store where fine books are sold for $29.99.

2 Spooky: The Meshuga Mirror

"I can't believe we're doing this," Shelly Easton groaned. "This is the dumbest Halloween thing ever!"

Christine Wilkes had been struggling to salvage this get-together for the past three hours. And with only two of her closest friends sticking with her, she couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before she stumbled over the limits of their patience like the clumsy ass that she surely must be. This was her last hope. And boy, was it ever dumb!

"You heard about this from your uncle? You mean the annoying one who likes Ron Paul?" Marie Cantor grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah, that one. Now listen up," Christine whispered, switching off the bathroom lights. The room was thrust into smothering darkness, with only the milky light of the moon visible through a frosted glass window. As their eyes adjusted, their pale faces and moonlit hair became visible in the mirror.

"So when does the mummy jump out of the medicine cabinet or whatever?" Shelly asked. The smirk in her voice was unmistakable. Time for a bold gambit.

"Shell, why don't you perform the summoning incantation and see what does pop out?" Christine said, stepping aside and gesturing in invitation.

Shelly hesitated for a moment. As she stepped into the shaft of moonlight splashing against the marble sink, Christine saw that her friend's smirk was in terrible danger of becoming an anxious grimace.

You might not have any confidence in this bullshit, but you can sure as hell hide it. I'm practically a Senator, Christine mused.

Shelly cleared her throat and met the gaze of her ghostly reflection. "Spirits that are near and far...Twinkle, twinkle, little star--"

"Say it right so we can get out of here!" Marie whined. Her mousy face betrayed more frightened anticipation than anyone in the room.

"Fine! Don't have a stroke," Shelly muttered. She squared her shoulders and began again.

"Spirits that are near or far,
In this room as black as tar,
I speak in hopes that you will hear,
And travel to this mirror clear!"

Shelly paused for a moment as she pieced together the summoning phrase. Her breath whispered through her nose as she inhaled.

"Israel is an illegal Apartheid state!
 Israel is an illegal Apartheid state!
 Israel is an illegal Apartheid state!"

The air grew still as the trio held their breath. A potent brew of adrenaline and fear crept through their veins. It reminded Marie of the time that she had gotten her tonsils removed and the doctor had injected something hot and potent into her IV line before the world had begun to swim.

"Jesus, Chris, look! Please tell me you're seeing this" Shelly gasped in wonder.

Christine's face, illuminated by the strengthening blue glow of the mirror's surface, gave Shelly all the confirmation necessary. Something had been called into this room. God help them if this thing from beyond wasn't friendly.

A slender face was rendered on the mirror's silvery surface, with short-cropped hair and a strong jaw. It spoke in an authoritative, accented voice.

"I am Abraham, member of the JIDF. I have heard your Anti-Semitic words, and will not allow your obscenities to go unchallenged!"

"Christine," Shelly hissed through her teeth. "Any more wise ideas from your uncle?"

Christine stepped toward the mirror. Her uncle was batting a thousand so far, anyway.

"Begone, spirit!" Christine scolded. "Criticism of Israel is not the same thing as being an Anti-Semite!"

"SILENCE!" Abraham roared. "An attack on Zionism is an insult to all the children of Israel!"

Oh shit, that wasn't supposed to happen

"What the hell, Chris? Stop pissing him off!" Marie groaned, backing away towards the door.

"The door is sealed, fascist. Escape is not possible," Abraham said. Marie jerked her shaking hand away from the knob as if it were red hot. "I suggest you pray to your moon god now, Arabs. A drone strike is en route as we speak."

"What!? Like, an actual drone!?" Shelly shrieked.

"Yes. You deserve no less for your oppression of our plucky little state with your words of criticism."

Marie sprung back to the door, pulling and kicking on the plywood barrier that suddenly felt as though it were a bank vault.

"Isn't that kind of a disproportionate response?" Shelly shouted, eyeballing the small frosted window for signs of weakness.

"Yeah, I guess," Abraham replied. "But nobody's ever been able to hold us accountable for anything we've done before, so I doubt they're going to start with you."

Christine pinched the bridge of her nose, pushing blood into her eardrums until all she could hear was a dull roar. He mind scrambled for something, anything that could defuse this situation before the explosions began. There had to be something.

"You can't just attack the continental United States!" Shelly pleaded. "International waters are one thing, but you're taking this to a whole new level!"

International waters...Christine focused her concentration until the words were all she could see against the stark blackness of her eyelids. International waters....attack....United States....The Liberty. The Liberty!

"The U.S.S. Liberty!" Christine shouted.

Both girls froze. Confused as they were, their eyes betrayed a sliver of hope.

"What about it?" Abraham muttered, sneering at the unfavorable change of subject.

"My next door neighbor was on that ship! He tells everyone he can that the IDF knew the Liberty was an American ship before they attacked it!"

Abraham pursed his lips. "You don't say? 'Everyone' who will listen?"

"Exactly," Christine replied, gesturing broadly. "The letters to the editor, the guys at the VA hospital, the Memorial Day parade organizers. He's been rallying for a memorial plaque on the town square for years!"

All three girls knew that mean old Miss Grizzle lived in the house next door, hoarding wayward baseballs and frisbees; not to mention a few dozen cats. Christine silently prayed that her friends would set their moral inhibitions aside and roll with this.

"You don't say," Abraham said. "We've got no record of this guy. Mossad really dropped the ball on that, it seems. All right, I'll make you a deal. That is, if you're interested?"

"Hell ye--I mean, yes, sir, we are," Christine muttered.

Abraham smiled. "Good, good. There will be a terrible incident involving a gas leak and a pilot light at your neighbor's house in just a bit. You never saw me, you never heard me, and this was all just a terrible tragedy that highlights the need to install hazardous vapor detectors in every home."

"Yeah, yeah! We understand completely!" Marie said, nodding with cartoonish enthusiasm.

"Very cool, as you Americans say! Our business here is done. Shalom!"

The JIDF phantom swirled away into nothing and the bathroom was silent once more.

"Alright, please tell me somebody spiked the punch and none of that happened," Shelly gasped, slumping down onto the toilet seat.

"Not unless I got the same dose you did," Christine replied, staring with trepidation at the dark mirror.

"I only drank the Diet Coke," Marie croaked as she tried the door knob once more. It turned and opened easily.

"So what now?" Shelly asked.

In the distance, a droning engine began to crescendo as it flew westward for its rendezvous with Grizzle the Frizzled's hovel.

"First, we go to the basement and don't leave until the explosions stop."

"And then?" Marie asked.

"We stick to summoning Candyman from now on."

Veterans Really Show Hastily Assembled Barriers Who's Boss

Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Americans are applauding politely as scores of World War II veterans "storm" the memorial that had been closed due to the government shutdown.

The pilgrimage to the World War II memorial had been planned by the Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight, a charitable organization, for some time. Unfortunately, the date of their visit ran headlong into a government shutdown that few believed would actual happen. Their arrival was met with small plywood barriers and laserjet-printed notices that the park was closed.

"I understand that there's some confusion about why an open-air park would be closed," said Ranger Carolyn Myers. "But it's really a matter of caution, especially since a number of landmarks were vandalized just weeks ago with green paint. We don't have the security and maintenance personnel to protect and serve visitors and structures at this time."

As the despondent skeleton crew of park officials attempted to explain the orders they had been given, a number of elderly veterans hobbled to the barriers and began to bump into them gently, valiantly mustering the five pounds of sustained force needed to move the barriers. Another grabbed a warning sign and crumpled it with a vengeance, sustaining major paper cuts in the process. Concerned about the potential for future injuries, the attending rangers requested permission to allow the group access. The request was granted casually and without argument.

"You thought you could stop me again, did ya' Kraut-boy!?" a veteran yelled at a garbage can.

Veterans and their medical attendants streamed into the park, facing a stiff resistance of nobody whatsoever because they had permission to be there.

"Yeah!" shouted a volunteer pushing a veteran's chair across an unobstructed pathway. "Twenty-three skidoo! Loose lips sink ships! Buy war bonds, or whatever!"

Victory in combat was the theme of the day, as the visitors relived their glory days fighting against an oppressive, fascist government; only with less screaming, dismemberment, and indiscriminate murder. It did, however, contain roughly the same amount of powerful sociopaths and white supremacists, as Republicans turned out in droves to pose for pictures for their next campaign.

A Letter From President Vladimir Putin

Bizarro Moscow (BP)- Recent events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the Bizarro American people and their political leaders, none of whom know the true freedom of being without a shirt while applying a sleeper-hold to frantic salmon. It is important to do so at a time when Americans only know of my country through dash-cam crash videos, vodka, and Tetris (though these are our primary exports,  I admit).

Relations between us have passed through different stages. We compared rocket sizes in the Cold War. You have further mocked us with your terrible Indiana Jones sequel. But we were also allies once, when we defeated the Nazis. Yes, we did divide Germany with terrible, lingering consequences. And yes, you did nuke two entire Japanese cities just to show us you weren't scared to wave your atomic dongs around. But we did beat the Nazis, so this counts for something. The United Nations, in any event, is dedicated to prevent this devastation from happening once more.

The United Nations' founders understood that decisions of war and peace were best left to snide remarks made under the sterile conditions of dry, insincere diplomacy. No one wishes for the UN to fail as the League of Nations did. They collapsed because they lacked leverage. League delegates were unwilling to write the harsh and condemning letters that an international tribunal must be prepared to write (and send! To not send is cowardice in its purest incarnation!). America would be best served by sending such a letter. Dual purposes would be served, as President Assad would be made to feel very bad about the naughty things he did and it would not involve an international military provocation.

The international community has voiced its strong opposition to American forces striking Syrian targets in any capacity. The Pope has even said it! Do you want to be the one who makes the Pope sad? He seems like a very nice man. You seem nice too. Why would you want to hurt someone who is so much like you?

Furthermore, such a strike would destabilize the Middle East. Why should we risk ruining the enduring peace of the Middle East and North Africa? In doing so, you would be undermining the entire system of international law, which is adhered to strictly by every United Nations country without fail.

Syria is not witnessing a battle for democracy. My country was, however. Until I won.

But I digress. This is a struggle between a government who orders random executions, and a number of paramilitary groups who order executions based on religious affiliations or sinful acts. When killing is random, at least it is not personal. Just a necessary cost of business, you see. The fighters you seek to support disagree, and fill the Syrian streets with blood based on cruel pretenses rather than the need to perform some simple housecleaning.

Mercenaries from Arab countries fight there, and many militants from the western world have enlisted themselves as well. Might they not return to our countries with experience acquired in Syria? The only thing more militant than a recently recruited insurgent is an insurgent that has leveled up several times. Neither of us wish to see terrorists with high strength and dexterity buffs.

From the outset, Russia has advocated a plan that promotes compromise between the bloodthirsty partisans and the death-frenzied soldiers of Assad. We believe that they can come together to determine the future of their sovereign nation. We do not wish to protect the Syrian government, we just wish to play by the rules of diplomacy. These rules dictate that if you support a genocidal monster, you must conceal your support behind platitudes. The United Nations discourages global leaders from making statements of condemnation against powerful sociopaths, and for good reason. If you point out the elephant that is in the room, it may well charge at you next.

No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was not used by the Syrian Army, who were busy soothing a litter of frightened bunnies that had lost their mother to a rebel rocket attack. Did I mention they are turning some dirty looks to Israel? Just saying, guys!

It is alarming that military imperialism has become so commonplace in the United States. I cannot recall another country in recent memory that has engaged in selfish conflicts at the expense of countless civilian lives. Millions around the world are starting to see America as a nation that boasts of its brute force and makes thinly veiled threats to all who defy her whims. Again, I know of no other country that does that. Makes you think, does not it?

Force has proved to be ineffective and pointless. Yours, not mine. Afghanistan is in a constant state of exploding, as opposed to how it previously was before American intervention. And intervention from....somewhere else that I cannot recall. Libya is all sorts of jacked up. I haven't been paying much attention to Iraq, but I bet it sucks there as well. Just thought I would point this out.

You cannot possibly hope to target strikes with such precision that civilian causalities would be avoided. Careful and measured use of force is something that both of our nations have always advocated, after all.

The world is asking: if international law is not respected, what other way is there to protect your country but weapons of mass destruction? Other than the ability to hold the population of entire nations hostage for political leverage. And for making big, scary countdown sequences in Hollywood moviefilms. The international community must take advantage of Syria's sudden willingness to just hand over every single one of its chemical weapons, which it will definitely do. For real.

I welcome the president's interest in continuing to talk to my silent, grim visage while I think about how to inspire more topless protests. We must keep hope alive that we together we can create a future where Assad's upcoming purges can be ignored in unison.

Avoiding force in Syria will improve the fragile veneer of amicable relations, which is vital as we continue to conceal our extensive surveillance programs that probe one another's classified systems for weaknesses.

My working and personal relationship with President Obama is generally positive. He is one of a small number of global leaders who can bare his torso with confidence. Obviously, this is an attribute worthy of respect.

However, I wish to disagree with his advocacy of American exceptionalism. Obama insists that American policy makes the nation unique among all others. First, we all know good and well that we're a bunch of sneaky bastards. Come on, man. Besides that, it is a mistake to allow your public to believe that they are exceptional in some way. A proud and arrogant public is difficult to suppress. But a depressed and intoxicated public can easily be stifled by a strong, sexy leader. You've got the "IT Factor". Work it, baby.

Though we are different, I hope we can both remember that the Lord has made us equal, and has blessed us in many ways. But goddamn does he hate Syria.

Later Broskis,

Vladimir V. Putin, Eternal President of Russia

An End to Caring About Syria?

Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Americans are hopeful that they can return to not caring about Syria following an request by Russia that the Assad regime place its chemical weapons under international control. It appears at this time that Assad's government is receptive to the idea.

"Thank God!" shouted Flagstaff, Arizona schoolteacher Sharon Dupree. "It's been a really tense couple of weeks, having to answer questions from my students about all this. I didn't even know where Syria was until I scanned Wikipedia. Now I just can't wait to forget."

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been critical of American intervention since it was initially proposed, and has counted his nation as an ally of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. Putin's administration is hopeful that this new deal might halt military strikes by western powers, and reduce the diplomatic pressure placed on Russia by openly aligning themselves with a guy who orders mass murder like he was ordering a pizza.

"He is a good man, really. He is just very upset about mustache. It has always been a terrible burden," explained President Putin. "We are looking into giving him stem cells with DNA of Stalin on lip to perhaps fix this. Provided he meets certain conditions, of course."

Washington is undoubtedly examining this development very closely, but no immediate reaction has been observed. Analysts suggest that the White House may be revising their messaging for the planned address by President Obama on Tuesday.

A number of public figures wasted no time in addressing Putin's offer, including Invisible Children, the human rights advocates behind the controversial "Kony 2012" marketing blitz.

"They've been stealing our thunder for FAR too long!" fumed organization founder Jason Russell. "Kony 2013! Kony 2014! Kony FOREVER!"

Mr. Russell proceeded to disrobe and began twerking violently in the middle of a busy intersection.

It's a feeling that so many Americans can identify with in these trying times, as citizens long to be free from the oppressive violence and death of war. Our bodies are constrained by itchy cotton/polyester blends of combat. Our hips are stilled by the financial burden of occupation. Perhaps this and other developments will allow us the freedom we so desperately seek. The freedom to twerk with friends, twerk with family, and twerk with our communities. With Russia's surprising diplomatic strategy, perhaps the western world can twerk in peace once again.

Syria-us Embarrassment for Hawks on the Hill

Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- Even as John McCain (R-AZ) and John Boehner (R-OH) join Secretary of State John Kerry in supporting surgical strikes against targets in Syria for Assad's use of chemical weapons, the coalition of hawks have hit an embarrassing stumbling block inadvertently dropped by the CIA at the worst possible time.

Recently declassified CIA documents provide details on the United States' role in Iraq's war with Iran in the late 80's. American intelligence officials provided President Saddam Hussein's Iraq with maps of high-value targets and troop movements. American defense administrators also knew that President Hussein had access to stockpiles of mustard gas and sarin, and that he planned to use them whenever he found it beneficial to do so. Not only were there no objections to the use of chemical weapons by intelligence officials, the Reagan administration chose not to disclose their use at all. *Sad tromboonnneeee*

"Gosh, this is embarrassing," muttered Secretary Kerry, dabbing sweat from his vast forehead. "Kind of wish they'd sat on that one a little longer."

Saddam's possession of deadly, inhumane weapons was a chief motivating factor for pushing the war in Iraq, even as the ground conflict in Afghanistan trudged sluggishly onward. If the failure to find the notorious weapons of mass destruction wasn't humiliating enough, President George W. Bush was surely aware that if Iraq had banned weapons, it was because America allowed them to freely purchase and use them while he was still cooperating with the CIA. D'oh! *Wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhh*

"We're kind of hoping this whole story gets overlooked," said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. "Gadzooks, I sure hope Iran doesn't hold this over our heads!"

Yeah, about that: Another CIA document confirmed their already well-documented role in the Iranian Coup, which lead to rising Anti-American sentiments that ultimately lead to Iran's current theocratic and anti-west method of governing. They really should have "shah" that one coming! *rimshot*

Fascist Faces Felonies

Bizarro Hagen, Germany (BP)- 92-year-old former Nazi Waffen-SS officer Jakob Heppenheimer is on trial for allegedly shooting a Dutch resistance fighter to death just before the end of World War II: The Empire Strikes Back.

Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.

"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."

As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.

"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."

Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.

"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."

Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.

"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.

Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.

"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."

Take Action on Syria, But Also Don't

Bizarro Washington (BP)- As Secretary of State John Kerry makes the case for a military strike against Syria in retaliation for chemical weapon use, Republicans are demanding swift action and no action.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who has been in direct contact with President Obama over developments in Syria, voiced his concerns about potential strike plans.

"It's clear that Assad can't be allowed to commit war crimes with impunity," grumbled Speaker Boehner. "However, Congress must be given the opportunity to vote against and halt military intervention."

Both President Obama and the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used the term "red line" in regards to the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime. The implication, later made explicit, was that a confirmed chemical attack would mean surgical strikes on high-value Syrian targets. Plans to assassinate Assad himself are not under consideration.

Top Republicans are holding Obama to his pledge, while at the same time condemning him for even considering  making good on his threat.

"Screw it, we win either way," slurred GOP Chairman Reince Priebus, who is secretly troubled that no gift shops carry souvenir keychains with his name on them. "Syria don't win of course, but I think we can come out smellin' like the pretty roses p'littically."

A bi-partisan case is being made that the war-weary American public should have a greater say in what, if anything, is done to punish Assad. Such a process would likely delay an already overdue response, as millions believe that Syria is actually a bran-flake breakfast food with chunks of freeze-dried raspberries.

Syria Sore Over Citizen Spying

Bizarro Damascus, Syria (BP)- Syrian military courts, under the orders of President Bashar Assad, are cracking down on nefarious hackers posting vital state secrets online.

"We will not tolerate this betrayal of the Syrian public," said information minister Omran al-Zoubi on Syrian state television. "These men are no whistleblowers. They are radicals who seek to aid our enemies."

The four Syrian men charged with espionage recorded what appears to be warheads detonating over villages outside of Damascus on Wednesday. Subsequent videos portrayed a number of dead and dying civilians, including many children. Jean Pascal Zanders, an independent researcher in the field of nerve agents, said that the effects were not consistent with VX or sarin. The condition of bodies seen on the leaked videos suggest death by asphyxiation.

Only two of the men arrested have been identified thus far. Julin Al-Assange, 42, is a self-described independent journalist interested in releasing classified information obtained illegally, asserting that it is "within the best interests of the global citizenry" to have access to state secrets. Brahli Al-Manning, 25, a defected Syrian soldier, could be facing as much as 90 years in prison for his role.

"They are not sorry for what they have done, only that they have been caught doing it," said anti-regime activist Muhammad Rhaman. "[Al-Assange] has exposed blatant evidence of murder in cold blood of non-combatants, and nobody responsible will be punished."

The position of the Assad regime is that the attack was supposed to be carried out in secret in order to end a "terrorist threat" to the citizens of Syria. Assad's spokesmen express concern that the Syrian military's exposed act of indiscriminate murder could be used to recruit new insurgents and harm global perception of Syria unfairly.

Americans Search Cairo for Team Goodguy

Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- As the violence rages on in Egypt, Americans are desperately trying to determine which side the good guys are on. These comments from NewsVine, Discus, Twitter and Facebook illustrate a conversation that countless Americans are having about the graphic images pouring out of the deadly streets of Cairo.

"It is the very nature of war to have one side that pursues good with veracityness (sic), and which side perpetrates bad and evil," wrote Deepthinker15

Though the good-versus-evil narrative remains the most popular method of interpreting controversial news, the parties involved with Egypt's civil unrest aren't easily bisected into two "teams." President Morsi, now deposed, is supported by those faithful to the Muslim Brotherhood and citizens who do not want to undermine Egypt's newborn democracy. Opponents of the Muslim Brotherhood accuse Morsi of attempting to become a theocratic dictator, and they have the support of Egypt's powerful military.

At first, popular American consensus chose to label the Muslim Brotherhood's supporters as the antagonists.

"mudslimes (sic) shuld (sic) be put in there (sic) place!!!!" said USMCJohnCena.

On Wednesday, the clashes between civilian groups turned into an incredibly one-sided battle between protesters and Egypt's armed forces; well trained and bolstered by American money and weapons. Well over 600 were killed in the first two days of the escalation, and the mass-shootings continue as religious leaders insist on a "Day of Rage" from Brotherhood supporters.

Though Muslim Brotherhood supporters are hard to come by, the killing of unarmed civilians by the hundreds threw the entire good/evil balance into question.

"STOP FUNDING EGYPT ARMY OBAMA #nobelprizefail" wrote @SexCairman. SexCairman had previously posted scathing criticisms of the Muslim Brotherhood.

Confusion reigns in Washington DC as well. Initially confident they could support Egyptian's democratically elected officials and the Egyptian military without conflict, this upheaval has stymied American foreign policy. Until a definitive good guy is determined, diplomatic advisers will likely continue to tread water.

In the meantime, a baby panda has been born at the Taipei Zoo.

"My cute-ometer just exploded," wrote The Squid.

Cairo: Military Melancholy as US Cancels Playdate

Bizarro Cairo, Egypt (BP)- Egyptian military officials have expressed "profound disappointment" in President Obama's decision to end bi-annual joint-military training exercises with United States troops indefinitely.

The announcement came after protest camps were dispersed by the Egyptian armed services using live gunfire. By Thursday, the death toll from intense street combat and strategically targeted journalists was well over 600. Despite the streets of Cairo running red with blood, Egyptian brass fully expected the international, cooperative war games with the United states to occur as scheduled.

"We have had complete support so far, why should we have expected this to change?" asked General Ayman El-Haddad. "Their tactical and weapons training have helped us a great deal in this campaign. We had hoped to learn more."

The Obama administration strongly rebuked that statement, asserting that using live ammunition to disperse protests has never been an acceptable tactic among American armed forces or law enforcement.

Civilian protests assembled worldwide to demand an end to the violence, and that the United States stop allocating billions in weapons and equipment for Egyptian military use. One such protest took place on the campus of Kent State University, where members of the Muslim Student Union and other concerned students united to call for an end to America's dubiously legal arms dealing. University police responded by firing beanbags, rubber bullets, and tear gas canisters into the crowd. Ten students were injured, and one bystander received a serious head injury after being struck with unidentified police ordinance.

"Who could have seen this coming? And on Kent's campus of all places!" shouted sophomore history major Maria Vecchio.

Prison Break Concerns Few

Bizarro Iraq (BP)- After a ruthless assault on the notorious Abu Ghraib prison by a group of sectarian militants calling themselves "The Islamic State of Iraq and Levant", about 250 violent offenders were released from their cells. Despite the fact that the majority of the escapees are still free, Iraqi officials are not concerned.

Warden Asad Tawfeek shrugged at our questions as he swept up debris from a cell block. "Your fears are understood, but misguided. We planned to release them soon anyway. Except Omar Zaman. That guy was a douche."

The ISIL, which formed from an alliance between Al Qaeda operatives from Syria and Iraq, strongly denied those claims in a video statement released hours after the successful assault.

"We have freed 250--no, 500---no, 10,000 zillion of the most vicious, bloodthirsty warriors of justice ever birthed," said an unidentified militant wearing a ninja mask. "They put the 'mental' in 'fundamentalist'. Like, I'm not even sure I'm comfortable being around these dudes. I heard one of them can set things on fire using only the power of his raw hatred! Damn, that's spooky!"

The Iraqi government was quick to provide evidence to the contrary. Extensive documentation revealed a massive and highly effective rehabilitation program had been in place since the prison's Genital Torture Fiesta ended with the court marshaling of several American guards. Between the therapy transcripts and videos, the effectiveness of the program is hard to deny.

-Shadi Ahmed took courses in "Women's Literature" and "The History of Feminism". Afterwards, he penned several popular essays about the importance of educating and empowering women.

-Bassam Navid El-Ghazzawy studied to become a certified dental assistant, and volunteered at clinics for the poor during supervised work-release periods.

-Mufaddal Ali trained under an accomplished painter, and went on to make a series of posters alerting children to the dangers of unexploded ordinance.

The only exception was Omar Zaman, who refused to stop writing obscene haikus.

Since the prison break, residents report a dramatic increase in volunteering, good citizenship, and community outreach programs.

President Barack Obama was optimistic about the future of post-invasion Iraq during a press conference Thursday morning.

"America and her allies have paid a high price to bring this new age of prosperity to Iraq. And when you can release so many death row inmates and get a result like this, that's how you know that the job is truly done."

While ISIL hasn't acknowledged that the vast majority of the prisoners they freed have become respected, productive citizens, they still found it in them to gloat in a tape sent to Al Jazeera.

"We have recruited a man named Omar," said the spokesterrorist. "His words scorch with the heat of a thousand suns. No infidel will go uninsulted as long as he fights for our glorious army!"