South Carolinians Taxed More Than Enough Already

Bizarro Columbia, SC (BP)- South Carolina is concluding the fiscal year with an even higher surplus than anticipated, and residents are furious.

"I expected better from [Governor] Haley," said Summerville resident Fran Shoemaker. "Taxes are enough of a burden, but now you're telling me that they took more of my money then they needed? It's obscene!"

The government of South Carolina largely consists of staunch conservatives, who are wary of any spending or federal contributions and programs. As a result, the state is reporting a surplus of $160 million for the 2012-13 fiscal year.

"We won't let this sneak its way out of the news cycle," said Columbia Tea Party organizer Cynthia Bauman. "The capitol will be held accountable for its irresponsible over-taxation."

The majority of South Carolina residents respond positively to messages touting "spending cuts" and "fiscal responsibility" according to surveys and focus groups. It's little wonder that like-minded politicians tend to get elected.

"I'm not a tax-and-spend kind of guy, but anyone can see we've got problems with our roads. Potholes everywhere, dangerous intersections, the works," said Charleston local Mitch Carlyle.

"Look, I dislike government spending as much as the next guy, but beach erosion should be a top issue. That and keeping dangerous bacteria away from the beaches," said Myrtle Beach store owner Brent Carmack.

"Instead of dumping money into other frivolous crap, we need to focus on our school systems. They're lagging behind," said Loris teacher Shirley Harris.

"We've got to get a handle on this spending that our government's been doing. But damned if that bridge isn't looking mighty rusty. Aught to fix that. Don't know why they haven't," said Florence hotel manager Tim Sheldon.

Bullying Brings Benefits for Enterprising Teen

Bizarro Business Bureau- When most people consider the phenomenon of cyber-bullying, most  people think back to the tragic news stories of friendships and lives lost through constant harassment through social media. As the digital age advances, bullies have kicked off a new trend that brings old-school bullying to the lawless online frontier.

Brent Ashcroft, 15, has been a bully for as long as he can remember.

"Typical story, really. Alcoholic father, hyper-religious mother. I found a source of empowerment in putting kids down," said Brent. "One day I was reading my digital edition of 'Bully's Digest' on my smartphone during study hall, and there was this story about old-school lunch money shakedowns. I was like, damn, there's a sweet racket!"

Things have changed since the golden era of bullying. Increased security has lead to armed safety officers patrolling the halls, and surveillance cameras can provide instant evidence in bullying claims. Zero tolerance measures have expanded to include all forms of violence instead of only shooting and bomb threats. As a result, criminal prosecution is a real possibility.

"The lunch money bit isn't shrugged off like it used to be," said Brent. "You could be looking at arrest over a couple bucks. There had to be a way to change the game, and that's where the Internet came in."

Brent's plan was fiendishly simple. First, he would use conventional bullying tactics to goad his prey into a state of submission to his will. Then, instead of demanding cash money in exchange for their continued welfare, he would direct the targets to visit a website he set up with a number of anti-bullying packages to choose from. For example:

-$2.00 purchases 3-days of no threats and intimidation.
-$5.00 purchases a week of peace
-$15.00 purchases a month of zero interaction with Brent.

A VIP package is also offered for $200. Purchasing this plan will grant you complete immunity from Brent's infamous beatdowns for an entire year. Since the revenue goes to a Paypal account rather than into his pocket, there's no evidence for school resource officers to find and no footage of paper currency being forcibly taken.

"These plans are backed up by my word, and that's all they need. If I'm not fulfilling my obligations, why would anyone keep purchasing my services?" Brent explained.

It's been six months since the innovative business was launched, and the revenue is already well into the thousands. Brent has since signed an agreement with two other bullies at his school, diversifying his products by offering immunity from the attention of specific bullies on an à la carte basis.

"If we play our cards right and continue to invest in competent business-savvy bullies, I'm willing to bet I can cover my tuition for college," said Brent, grinning. "College, man. I never would have dreamed about it before all this. And now my whole future's opened up, as long as business stays strong. And it goddamn well better, or I'll stomp your bitch ass. I've got a switchblade in my boot, too. Give me a reason to pull it out, asshole. I'll fucking end you."

From Mismanaged to McManaged

Bizarro Money- A budgeting guide designed to assist McDonald's employees is revolutionizing the way Americans from many professions spend and save money.

Known to its devotees as "McBudgeting", the personal finance system is based on algorithms that maximize your lifestyle and minimize your worries. If bad budgeting is making you "Grimace", here's how to "Supersize" your potential.

1. Get a second job.

"I was blown away," said McBudgeter and CEO of Dinoco Oil Co-operative. "Working two jobs was just unfathomable. I'm making a couple of mil' a quarter as it stands. But there's no denying it. Two jobs means more money!"

The math is undeniable. Over 70 hours of work a week is going to take some of the bite out of your bills. To maximize your productivity, remember that you only need about four hours of sleep a night to avoid hallucinations and acute organ failure.Most meals can be eaten in less than a minute if you put some effort into it, and if you've got a day off at one job, you can offer to work twice as long at your other position.

2. $600 rent or bust!

Human society has alpha providers and cringing betas. If you want to assert your dominance, you've got to be willing to put some pressure on the landlord. Walk into their office with your shoulders back and your chin up. Ladies, it wouldn't hurt to show some leg. Look your landlord right in the eye and tell them that your rent is now $600 a month, and you'll be goddamned if you're going to pay a single red cent more.

If your landlord's got a bit of an alpha streak, you may have to push harder. Consider getting some badass temporary tribal tattoos, or wearing a boa constrictor around your neck. Rub your pheromone glands against his desk and bare your incisors. Once he exposes his soft underbelly and discontinues eye contact, you know your work is done.

3. Find the right health insurance.

Your health insurance woes can be put to rest if you put in the work, which most scrubs just can't be bothered to do. My cousin, the one who knows some "people", turned me on to a up-and-coming insurance company called Cheapasfree. For $20 a month, they mail you five Band-Aids and an opened, half-empty container of Baby Aspirin.

"I started thinking," said Alpha Beta Phi Pledge Brah Cooley, whose father owns a car dealership. "Like, what health problem do I have the most? Usually a hangover, maybe a papercut and stuff. Taking the Cheapasfree Insurance economy package was a no-brainer!"

4. Don't fall for the lies of Big Heating.

Every winter, thousands fall victim to the elements. The heating lobby wants you to believe that their agonizing deaths could have been prevented if they had access to natural gas for their heaters, which is simply not the case. The elderly are teetering on the edge of death anyway, and poor people just aren't trying hard enough. You don't need to spend a dime to keep warm and toasty--even in the most devastating blizzard.

First, a lot of body heat can be lost through the feet and groin. Wear several pairs of socks at all times, and cup your hands over your junk to deflect the heat back towards your body. In a pinch, you can usually find a material in the walls of your home called "Fiberglass Insulation". Stuff this fluffy material against your vulnerable nether regions and you'll be immune to Jack Frost's cruel nippings. If your building utilized Asbestos insulation, you can still use it as long as you hold your breath while applying it.

5. Seek solace in solitude

The greeting card industry won't like this one bit--but let's face some home truths here; other people are a huge burden.

Friends demand that we waste valuable working time "enjoying one another's company." Families weep and moan about how you never visit on the holidays. Hey Gran-Gran, how about getting off your powerchair and earn some damn money like your grandson over here?

Relationships are a sham that society has sadly come to embrace. Have you ever seen a dog in heat, surrounded by gentledogs wishing to court her? It's the very model of efficiency. Their model focuses on the only important part of any relationship, cutting out the drudgery of expensive meals and parental introductions. There are no fights, and divorce is rendered irrelevant. Everyone keeps their money, and you've invested about 30 seconds at the most. That leaves 30 seconds left to finish that sandwich and get back to the french fry station in time for the afternoon rush.

Finally, there's the matter of reproduction. Is there anything more useless than a baby? Its earning potential is non-existent. The organs are too small to sell in most markets. Men can avoid this crippling expense by wearing an elaborate disguise during copulation, and quickly leaving when the act concludes. Make sure she can't see your license plate, and never accept a phone call from anyone associated with Maury Povich. Women have it quite a bit easier, as their bodies have a way of shutting that whole thing down in the event of an accidental pregnancy.

No matter what you do for a living--whether you perform oil changes on cars, help people with their taxes, or write articles in exchange for Fast Food Lobby money--McBudgeting can turn your life around, just as it did mine.

McBudgeting? I'm lovin' it.