Bizarro Insiders: Security Officer Pens True Account of Benghazi Incident

"Morgan Jones" is the pseudonym being used by a security officer and American contractor that witnessed the Benghazi attack for-real-real, and not for-play-play. Below, in his own words, is a brief account of what happened that day.
It all started in a bar, where I was drinking "Jimmy Beefslab", the most badass mercenary in the business, right under the goddamn table. He might have been fluent in the ancient language of Shit-Talk, but he handles his whiskey like a man whose liver's made of paper mache'.

The first shot cuts through the air, and I'm as sober as the pope.

"Some shit's finally going down, boys," I says.

And they're like, "Aw shit, down at the embassy? You need some backup?"

"Yeah," I say. "I'll need you to guard that bottle of whiskey until I'm finished kicking ass."

Next think I know, I'm jumping over the motherfucking wall of the American embassy, and it's like an Al Qaeda family reunion. All of the biggest, most hardass insurgents in North Africa were staring me down. So I figure, it's time to get this party started. And what'a a party without a pinata? Only nobody had the decency to bring one, so I had to use this insurgent's head and the butt of my rifle. And that's all it took to light a fire under his buddy's asses.

It was pure Matrix shit in there, the way I dodged those rounds. I was moving so quickly, I couldn't even shoulder my rifle. If I was going to survive this shitstorm, my black belt martial arts would have to do. My body flowed from evasive maneuvers directly into roundhouse kicks and haymakers. Even if those bastards had dental records, they'd be useless for identifying the bodies when I got done with them.

These terrorists were real pros. I could tell because they waited for me to leave before making their play. And because they decided to stop being retards just this once, there were American causalities. Goddamnit, I'm only one man with the strength of three. Obama knew that, but he neglected to teleport operatives in to keep things warm until I showed up. Yeah, I said "teleport." We can do that. How do you think Obama gets his crisis actors from place to place so quickly?

Anyway, I take a few minutes to scream at the sky while kneeling over the employees who fell victim to these scumbags before those scumbags had a chance to fall victim to my knuckles. But there was no time to mourn. I learned that Stevens had been transported by civvies to a local doc-shop to see if something could be done. Nothing could. Not until I was there, anyway.

Using the rooftops to bypass the roadblocks, I finally arrived in the overtaxed medical center where I shoved the bewildered doctors aside and performed High-Efficiency CPR for well over an hour. Alas, though my hands are instruments of death, they failed to return a life on that terrible day.

As I stood in that crowded trauma ward, I lit a cigarette, took a long drag, and put it out on my bicep. Now was not the time for tears, however manly those tears would have been. Now was the time for retribution.

A lot of people have made noise about me telling my employer that I was in my villa during the entire incident, and that I couldn't even get close to the compound after I hit the road blocks and decided to give up and go home. But you've gotten a taste of the truth today, my fellow Patriot. And if you want the whole truth, you'll do your civic duty and grasp it firmly in your hands. You may grasp it firmly at any store where fine books are sold for $29.99.

Editorial: Captain Patriarchy-Pants

Mynn Lessina is a novelist and a........is there a reason we keep publishing "Mommy" blogger? Anybody have a rough childhood back in sales? Some mommy issues? Speak up, because I'd really rather not have my face turned into a skinmask in your woodshed later.
"We need a lady monster so we can boss it around."

That was the shot heard round the blogosphere, as Captain Underpants declared war on the female gender and one pissed-off mommy blogger.

This phrase was uttered by a mad scientist, explaining to his dull-witted henchman that they would need the DNA of an "attractive" woman, because a female monster would "wash our dishes and iron our shirts."

I know what you're thinking. These two characters are villains, and cartoonishly inept villains at that! Because they're villains, anything they say is a demonstration of what insane assholes think. What's more, these are villains drawn and written by a pair of gradeschool boys who are notorious for being anti-social little anarchists who have spent the last decade or so shattering their school principal's psyche and making him run around in his underwear placing himself in mortal danger. All of the misogynistic opinions come from the imaginations of children that we're obviously not supposed to emulate. That means it's okay, right?

WRONG, YOU FASCIST DEGENERATES.

As I watched my son laugh at the scene of a beautiful young woman being turned into a giant toilet monster, I found myself wondering if there was a way to castrate a book with garden shears that wouldn't make me seem weird if anyone saw me.

The Night of the Terror of the Revenge of the Curse of the Bride of Hairy Potty is a hate letter to all of womankind disguised as a high-brow piece of children's literature. But its venom has been allowed to course through the veins of America's literary institutions for too long.

Knowing nothing about the Captain Underpants franchise but troubled by this alarming assault on my gender, I spring into action. No Wikipedia article went unskimmed. No TV Tropes page went unglanced at. I talked to two real-live female librarians about it. After I promised to leave without making them call the police, one of them conceded to me that there were very few female characters in Captain Underpants at all. Oh, but this was okay, because it was a book marketed at young boys. SCREW YOU, GENDER-TRAITOR. The world is already delivered to men on a silver platter, but they get to have their own books now? 

And these two fourth-grade boys that act as protagonists in the Captain Underpants world--George and Harold--are more than old enough to know about gender studies. They're more than old enough to fully grasp the nuance of fem-lit-theory and its role in contemporary historical blogging. Don't give me any bullshit about their "brains not being developed enough to make responsible decisions" or "projecting my hatred of all men onto two fictional children who are young enough to believe toilets are the foundation of all comedy." These books are written by a 47-year-old man! What's a creepy old man doing writing children's books anyway? This young, bold children's book author (Me. I mean me.) wants answers!

The crusade begins here! You've fucked with the wrong blogger, Dav Pilkey, you Phalli-Hitler son-of-a-(empowered and self-employed)whore! I'll have you know that my blog has over 10,000 hits, and only 78% are from Russian data mining websites.

Bookshelf: Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims

Bizarro Bookshelf- A work years in the making, Rush Limbaugh has finally finished his self-insert historical fanfiction, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures.

Rush Limbaugh's avatar in this romp through time and space is Rush Revere, a svelte and swarthy colonist with a head that looks like a steamed ham wearing a powdered wig. Also, Rush Revere is the character he uses to sell his line of teas, so there's that. Rush's marketing mimic travels America, warning all he sees that, "The Liberals Are Coming!" Trivia: This is also the tagline for the popular Cinemax title "The Naily Show: With Lance Stewbeef."

Rush Revere is a substitute middle school teacher (or as they're more popularly known, "The underemployed spitball magnet who keeps making us watch Dunstin Checks In) who just so happens to own a time machine of a sort, but more on that later. Revere's disregard for physical laws places him on the deck of the Mayflower, which is the first place anyone wants to go when they enjoy dubiously legal cigars, progressive synth-rock, and Elton John.

Oh, and did I mention there's a goddamn talking horse named Liberty? Not impressed? What if I told you--SPOILER ALERT--that horse was the time machine I mentioned earlier? Awwww yeah! And even though horses are physically required to poop every five minutes, Liberty can at least warn you beforehand that you'll need a shovel in a few seconds.

"This country is made up of exceptional people and stories of rags to riches," Rush explains.

Now wait, wasn't "free market capitalism" a distant second beneath "basic survival" on the list of Pilgrim concerns? Not so! Enterprising pilgrims built lucrative businesses by attaching belt buckles to clothing that did not necessitate them. And there's that instant oatmeal guy. You know he made bank! No, you can shut up about Quakers and Pilgrims being two different things. They wear the same hats and everything! Explain that, liberal!

As for Thanksgiving, Rush Revere wants you to know the truth! You see, this first Thanksgiving is a demonstration about the failures of socialism. By exchanging food and agricultural tips, the Pilgrims and the Natives both became wealthy. I mean, if you stop and think about it, mass starvation and death by exposure to the cruel New England winters is a form of wealth since you go to Heaven afterwards. They've got golden streets, for God's sake! As for the Natives, they earned their pay too; though most of it was delivered to them in Smallpox Dollars. Not a popular item among coin collectors, incidentally.

Even though Limbaugh insists that his latest book is not partisan, he still tackles it with the same gusto that he applies to every other aspect of his life; excluding physical fitness, which was corrupted by Michelle Obama. No true patriot does cardio. That's what horses are for.

"But our president, President Obama, recently said exceptional Americans are few and far between.....And the fact is, way too many people believe it. Way too many people believe that prosperity, success, or whatever is an exception now, that it really is impossible--and it's not, folks."

There's a lot we can learn from the timeless story of the Pilgrims and the Natives. Why do you think the Native tribes all own those huge casinos? Because with a little luck and the favor of God, you can go from rags to riches playing slots. Just as Ezekial and Spirit Arrow clasped hands and formed a successful business partnership, you can join hands with a Chippewa's one-armed bandit and seek your fortune in quarters.

These are the principles that America has forgotten thanks to Socialist Communazis, and these are the principles that will capture the stunted imaginations of indoctrinated children everywhere. This book is a surefire Christmas hit, because if there's one thing children love it's reading several hundred pages of historical fiction with no wizards, no shirtless werewolves, and no turgid body parts of any kind.

Bizzarketplace of Ideas: Rejecting Male Literature

Anita Sylvanstra is a feminist blogger and involuntarily terminated barista with an Associates Degree in Transgendered Sculpture. Her current objective is to turn her blog into a full-time careeahahahahaha

The Year I Rejected Male CIS-liture

After being asked to abdicate yet another community college creative writing course for "plagiarizing the thesaurus", I found myself perusing perfectly typical literature by perfectly typical CIS-gendered authors. I first delved into the pages of Kafka's The Metamorphosis, though my reaction to his other works was an unadulterated clowncar of "meh." By the time I concluded the aforementioned novel, my inner Venus was alight with Genderfury (Copyright 2013, Sylvanstra Genderprises). Since when is transforming into an insect an excuse to foist your breadwinning role on your sister? You possess six hands on that thorax, sir, and only require two for standing. Methinks your productivity would increase four-fold. As my indignation blossomed, I pondered from whence this fury originated. Certainly, Metamorphosis is sexist, but so are other tomes beyond number, celluloid travesties, and every program produced by CBS. For what should I credit my rage, which confounds me like a rat in a cage? But then, an epiphany! Metamorphosis and every other book I had absorbed in 2013 were not self-same! Kafka was a man!

I had not connived to avoid men. It simply was. Reading women is one of the many great hazards a professional-level blogger has when challenging archaic notions of gender and culture. Spare me your sympathy. This is a burden that I have chosen to bear. The bulk of the femliture I purchased emerged from the sultry depths of the YA genre. I found myself enmeshed in a veritable cornucopia of feminine prose. Alas, when I at last emerged from this estrogen hotspring--my skin smelling of rosemary and jasmine--I found myself unfulfilled.

Should you turn on your television after eons of binge-watching television online, you might find your ears revolt at the sound of obnoxious commercials promoting the majesty of Geico Insurance by means of a cockney gecko. My journey was similar, but rather than being subjected to an irreverent CGI reptile, I found that every book penned by a man contained no women. Rather, I found male deficiencies molded into female form.

Clearly, I am unaccustomed to wielding the psyche of a male protagonist, and my ability to objectify women (as all men are known to do) was bedecked with rust. Thus, it was vexing to encounter scores of acclaimed men portraying the female mind in a manner that was inconsistent with my encounters in femliture. Verily, they appeared extraterrestrial in comparison. At last, I had broken free from the bondage of dead white men mansplaining to me! Oh, if only these poor fools had a guiding light in a brave Blog-Her such as myself!

As a highly capable student of the arts, my mind was unwittingly poisoned by the ichor spewing from the typewriters of charlatans. Hemingway and Pound spat on my embattled gender, and I delighted in their casual misogyny. Male authors were evaluated with lenience. For what were they but victims of their circumstances? The cultural zeitgeist had not yet moved! After rejecting the fascism of testosterone, I saw the folly in this reasoning. Even if these men were responsible for compelling works that transcend time in their relevance, it was obscene beyond all imagining that I was expected to know what it means to be a woman after reading novels from men who regarded us as second-class citizens (not that I let literature define every aspect of my life rather than evaluating it on its academic merits or cultural insights).

That is not to suggest women should avoid Kafka! Nay, perish the thought! But to expose them to this malicious assault on their gender prior to the latter years of college (everyone DOES go to college, right?) is simply a tragedy of the patriarchy. Exclusive access to femliture is what young women require. And not that gender-traitor BITCH Jane Austen with her lacy dresses and submissive ways! I merely mean that white male authors cannot accurately portray any character that isn't a white male themselves. Similarly, I resent the fantasy genre for permitting non-elves and non-direwolves to depict characters they could not possibly comprehend (for more on this, see my sister blog "Orcs are Beautiful Too"). After all, white males are not omniscient. That's not to imply that I am, but actually I'm not sure how I should continue this line of reasoning. Deep breath. New paragraph.

Forsooth! Envision young lasses that are confined to classrooms where teachers profess the glorious white male, who spits in the face of their femininity! Though there are contemporary male authors who are conscientious of their privilege, their numbers are few. Modern publishers greet the white male's manuscript with an enthusiasm they would dare not provide small-scale female writers like J.K. Rowling. Franz Kafka wrote a story about a family's young breadwinning son transforming into an insect, perhaps because on some level Kafka understood that he is vermin. Unworthy of his place in Her-story.

My tale of abstinence--be it from red meat, mirrors, showers, psychiatric medication, paying student loans, earning any income whatsoever, and sex--might imply that I have learned a lesson about consuming certain kinds of literature in moderation. Yet, my year without male writers or any positive human contact of any kind has made me ardent in my resolve to blog in support of female writers until my fingers are but scrambling spider's legs (only ten of them, not eight, although I don't know if my thumb counts because all it really does is hit the spacebar). Young women musn't be allowed to judge themselves through the white male lens. If they are to judge themselves by any metric, allow them to consider if they are attractive enough to woo a 120-year-old vampiric man who still hangs around high schools. Empower them with stories of child murder contests with love triangles! Regale them with explicit tales of bondage play! Only then will our gender find the literary freedom it deserves.

Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight

Man Happy With Cable Provider

Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.

"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.

According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.

"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.

Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.

"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"

Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.

"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"

Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.

Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.

Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.

"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."

Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.

The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."

A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"

Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.

"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."

Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].

Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.

Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games

Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.

"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."

McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.

"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."

If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".

"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."

McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.

"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."

DPRK Citizens Critical of Communist Country

Bizarro North Korea (BP)- When the ruling Juche of North Korea added a slew of Communist literature to their small list of approved reading material, they likely didn't anticipate the reaction.

"This is bullshit!" cried Cahng-ho Shin, a labor camp resident. "It says here that labor should control the means of production! Juche controls it all!"

Similar outrage is being expressed over Vladimir Lenin's insistence that Communism's primary objective is to provide citizens with "peace, land, and bread." With state-engineered famine ravaging the civilian population and constant threats of war, the Juche has failed to deliver on two of those promises. Though North Korea has large tracts of undeveloped land, subsistence farming is a common practice. Any produce confiscated by the state is not distributed to citizens according to their needs. The bulk of that food is invested in the military and the Party's highest ranking members; who also receive a glut of luxury goods from America and China.

"All of this talk about American decadence, and Comrade Kim Jong Un rubs elbows with basketball stars? He has a private water park, and finest wines? He accepts gifts from 'great evil' America?" shouted salaryman Chang-su Ko. "It smells of rats. There is no Communism here at all!"

Accusations of embracing neo-liberal economic principles, which are popular in capitalist nations such as America, have severely undermined years of brainwashing. Neo-liberal economies often end with a very small class of elites holding all of the wealth and resources, while the working poor are treated like disposable commodities.

"Communism in North Korea is as false as a Chinese DVD," said seamstress Byung-soon Tong. "We demand genuine Marxist principles. Peace, land, and bread!"

Dictator Kim Jong Un was seen pointing and nodding at a rice plantation, and has offered no comments to state press.

Obama Promotes Literacy with Lashes

Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In an effort to boost flagging American literacy rates, President Obama has announced a drastic new initiative to drive citizens to the book stores.

"There's no getting around it," said President Obama. "Americans just aren't making time to read anymore. That is, with one noteworthy exception."

That exception, of course, is the saucy novel "50 Shades of Grey", which has recently returned to the headlines after its popularity with Gitmo detainees. 

"We've begun hiring literary experts to revise many classic pieces of literature to include explicit scenes of sexual bondage and masochism," Obama explained.

The Obama Administration has released a series of modified classic books that retail for 2.99 as an e-book, and 4.99 for a paperback copy. Titles include:

- "The Great Fet-sby"

- "The Scarlet Ballgag"

- "Spankenstein"

- "The Count of Monte Fisto"

- "Slave New World"

- "Of Mice and Men"

Negotiations are in the works for reworkings of contemporary literature as well.

Casey Anthony Nixes Book Deal

Bizarro Tampa, FL (BP)- In order to avoid the distribution of a book based on her life, Casey Anthony has agreed to pay $25,000 to her bankruptcy estate.

Ever since Anthony was acquitted on all charges relating to the death of her daughter, the young woman has found herself mired in massive debts related to her high profile case. Due to her inability to find any work for the rest of eternity, a bankruptcy trustee was forced to consider a number of unorthodox means through which the nearly $800,000 debt could be settled--including selling the rights to her life story.

Having agreed to Anthony's payment of $25,000, publishing company I Are Reading Too will halt production of a planned children's book entitled "The Very Hungry Coyote".

Beloved Author Reveals Shocking Secret Project

Bizarro London (BP)- Complaints of stomach discomfort and prolonged cringing spells are endemic in London today, after world-famous author JK Rowling announced that she had written a truly diabolical book under an alias.



The announcement was made by the author via Skype on Good Morning Bizarro America.



“Some time ago I published what I consider to be my greatest work, The Pigeon’s Cooing. Not only did I use a pseudonym, I refrained from exposing myself to any critical or reader reactions in order to relive that moment when I was told by perfect strangers that my doubts were all wrong; that I had real talent. Right after this interview, I’m going to go online and take every word to heart.”



For a full three minutes the hosts did not respond. Their straining grins and glassy stares painted a picture of an internal horror so profound that only Lovecraft knew the ancient and forbidden languages needed to describe it.



The Pigeon’s Cooing tells a story about a grizzled private detective named Commodore Smash and his half-developed conjoined psychic twin brother. Upon receiving an assignment from a mysterious stranger’s  carrier pigeon, Detective Smash begins an extremely racist investigation through exotic locations to discover why the anonymous client’s favorite show, “Firefly”, was cancelled before it even got a second season.



Upon its initial release, The Pidgeon’s Cooing received condemnation from across the global community. Besides two Fatwas, reading Pigeon’s Cooing  was deemed an “act of war” by several West African nations. Unconfirmed reports from consumers have linked possession of the hardcover print to extremely severe cases of scabies that  resist every treatment know to medical science.



Literary critics were not gentle. Nearly all of them objected to the elaborate descriptions of difficult bowel movements, frequent use of blackface, and the casual abuse of the elderly—none of which are essential to the overall narrative. Instead of a review, the Bizarro New York Times posted a video of a chimpanzee urinating into his own mouth.



“It was about the time I reached the part where Detective Smash breastfeeds a starving homeless man that I realized how broken my resolve truly was,” said Bizarro Post Literature Editor Crag McTavish. “And I would strongly advise you to steer clear of the scratch-and-sniff pages.”



Interpol had been diligently seeking Rowling’s false identity, an American Vietnam veteran and retired moonshiner named Crackity Jones. Now the erroneous “BOLO” notices have been updated with Rowling’s information and last known location. Interpol agents advise civilians not to approach Ms. Rowling, as she is known to be proficient in both witchcraft and wizardry.