Bizarro Orlando, FL (BP)- Louie Cameron, 76, has a rare form of dementia that has silenced the area of his brain responsible for creating lies that preserve one's reputation (yes, that is a thing that exists). That doesn't stop him from keeping abreast of the latest news, and Louie doesn't like what he sees.
"It's such a pain in the ass, I can't even tell you," Louie sighed, dabbing sweat from his brow. "I'm trying to make this guy into a martyr, and he keeps pissing in my cornflakes."
Louie is reacting to the latest of several brushes with the law by George Zimmerman, who was thrust into the spotlight for shooting an unarmed teenager, Trayvon Martin. George was found not guilty on the charge of 2nd degree murder, and released. Since then, Zimmerman and his handgun, Little Blasty, have traveled around America punching for love on all the wrong faces. Though his estranged wife has agreed to drop her charges against him, his latest arrest for a "domestic incident" suggests that he's back at it once more.
During the controversial murder trial, Louie defended Zimmerman against every allegation of racism and villainy that he could find. Thanks to his clinical candidness, he was able to offer us an uncensored glimpse into his mindset.
"It seems to me that being a thug should be enough to get profiled," he explained. "By 'thug', I refer to young black men that wear clothing I don't like. When Zimmerman testified that Martin only attacked him after he saw the gun, I thought for sure I was in trouble. People would figure out that a strange man approaching you with a gun in his waistband is probably going to use it on you, especially after he's been following you for some time. Luckily, nobody gave that scenario any thought. I was empowered to hate black people in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time."
But now a different narrative is beginning to take shape. Zimmerman the brave neighborhood watchman has begun to paint himself as plump, scruffy ball of uncontrollable rage. Suddenly the stories of Zimmerman's life pre-notoriety, where he was known as a dangerously unstable asshole, weren't easy to brush off.
"I'm thinking about dusting off that old story about the Australian guy in Oklahoma if this keeps going south," Louie grumbled while scrolling through Free Republic. "I've lost one martyr, but I suppose one's just as good as the other. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to alphabetize my secret transexual pornography collection before my wife gets home."
Showing posts with label Controversy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Controversy. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Cuccinelli Reveals Sultry Scandal
Bizarro Virginia (BP)- Just before the election that will select Virginia's next governor, shocking and scandalous revelations have come to light regarding Tea Party darling Ken Cuccinelli (R).
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Brace for Impact Presents: Republican Candidate Dean Young of Alabama
Bizarro Post's Brace for Impact series covers the ambitions and philosophies of fucking lunatics who will soon have more power and money than you could ever imagine.
When asked about a country beyond the United States that he admired, Tea Partier Dean Young punted. "I'm not a big world traveler, so I don't know," he replied, making it incredibly clear that his understanding of foreign policy began and ended with elementary school civics courses. Political insiders are hoping that this will prevent him from causing any international incidents in the likely event that he is elected.
One obstacle to his status within the Tea Party hierarchy is his stance on Saudi Arabia. Career politician Bradley Byrne was quick to give the Islamic theocracy a swift kick to the balls, which always plays well to the Tea Party crowd. Young, on the other hand, stated that we should engage in "free trade" with them. While he is technically correct that Saudi oil is a cornerstone of America's economy, his failure to assert cultural supremacy afterwards may not fly with the tri-cornered hat crowd. It seems that he's either ignorant about what Saudi Arabia's primary exports are, or he has no idea what their cultural topography is. Being clueless about Uzbekistan and the like is a plus, because it's fairly inconsequential. But the Tea Party has a shit list, Young, and you'd do well to know who's on it.
Another potential issue is Young's response on homosexuality.
"When you start talking about that, I don't even know...Homosexuality is wrong, and that is just the way it is. Always has been, always will be."
Analyzing that statement yields some troubling clues about the political future of this rookie Tea Partier. His first sentence betrays feelings of uncertainty, perhaps even fear. He's looking inward, and something he finds provokes an entire ellipses worth of silence. When Young finally does issue a condemnation of homosexuality, he does so in a way that includes redundancies. It sounds more like a mantra he chants every time his eyes stray towards an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. This answer will satisfy his people, of course, but this guy's been hanging around in the closet like David Carradine in Thailand. Probably wearing the same thing, too. And how long is it going to be before some inquisitive maid from The New York Times or TMZ spills the beans?
Young, however, has the good sense to get back on course when things get tense. When asked where Barack Obama was born, Young offers a single word.
"Kenya."
Well, I've got one word for you, Mr. Young: Bravo!
With a rookie statesman, it's natural to expect a few mistakes. But with time, Young can refine his skills in the fine art of xenophobia and the complex process of concealing latent homosexuality.
Brace for impact, America. Dean Young could be the next big thing in clueless, all-powerful political titans.
When asked about a country beyond the United States that he admired, Tea Partier Dean Young punted. "I'm not a big world traveler, so I don't know," he replied, making it incredibly clear that his understanding of foreign policy began and ended with elementary school civics courses. Political insiders are hoping that this will prevent him from causing any international incidents in the likely event that he is elected.
One obstacle to his status within the Tea Party hierarchy is his stance on Saudi Arabia. Career politician Bradley Byrne was quick to give the Islamic theocracy a swift kick to the balls, which always plays well to the Tea Party crowd. Young, on the other hand, stated that we should engage in "free trade" with them. While he is technically correct that Saudi oil is a cornerstone of America's economy, his failure to assert cultural supremacy afterwards may not fly with the tri-cornered hat crowd. It seems that he's either ignorant about what Saudi Arabia's primary exports are, or he has no idea what their cultural topography is. Being clueless about Uzbekistan and the like is a plus, because it's fairly inconsequential. But the Tea Party has a shit list, Young, and you'd do well to know who's on it.
Another potential issue is Young's response on homosexuality.
"When you start talking about that, I don't even know...Homosexuality is wrong, and that is just the way it is. Always has been, always will be."
Analyzing that statement yields some troubling clues about the political future of this rookie Tea Partier. His first sentence betrays feelings of uncertainty, perhaps even fear. He's looking inward, and something he finds provokes an entire ellipses worth of silence. When Young finally does issue a condemnation of homosexuality, he does so in a way that includes redundancies. It sounds more like a mantra he chants every time his eyes stray towards an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. This answer will satisfy his people, of course, but this guy's been hanging around in the closet like David Carradine in Thailand. Probably wearing the same thing, too. And how long is it going to be before some inquisitive maid from The New York Times or TMZ spills the beans?
Young, however, has the good sense to get back on course when things get tense. When asked where Barack Obama was born, Young offers a single word.
"Kenya."
Well, I've got one word for you, Mr. Young: Bravo!
With a rookie statesman, it's natural to expect a few mistakes. But with time, Young can refine his skills in the fine art of xenophobia and the complex process of concealing latent homosexuality.
Brace for impact, America. Dean Young could be the next big thing in clueless, all-powerful political titans.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Welcome, Karmel. To the Machine.
Bizarro Post Propaganda Bureau- On behalf of propagandists across the United States, I would like to extend a warm welcome to Karmel Allison as we place her into our noise machine's vast repertoire of heavily distorted non-events.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Mayor Trolls Terrible Townsfolk
Bizarro Shelbyville, SC (BP)- After sparking massive public outrage for publishing plans to build a public skate park for $50,000, Mayor Angela Majors has decided to troll the hell out of her city's citizens by leaking fake expenditure reports to the local media constantly.
"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."
She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.
"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.
There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"
"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."
"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."
She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.
"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.
There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"
"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."
State Fair Bans Camo, No Visitors Visible
Bizarro Columbia, SC (BP)- Following the South Carolina State Fair's decision to ban camouflage clothing, the attendance to the annual event has dropped to 0. Absolutely nobody passed through the gates of the fair, leaving vendors nothing but overhead costs to show for their participation.
"We really wanted to go with my children this year, but it's just not an option. All of our clothes are Realtree. I mean, it's South Carolina for fuck's sake!" said resident Cletus Harrison.
Prohibiting all camouflage, including digital and Realtree, has alienated a population that wears it almost constantly. Even though Dixie Outfitters and Big Dog t-shirts have a stake in the South Carolina market, they are merely the mashed potatoes to the camouflage's meatloaf. Having one without the other is unheard of, and actually illegal in a handful of municipalities in the American south.
"We had to make this adjustment to curtail criminal activity," said SCSF manager James DuBois. "Most criminals around here can be seen wearing camouflage of some kind. Now I realize that most people in general wear it, and I realize that not all people who wear camouflage are criminals, but I'd really be more comfortable if we didn't have a bunch of white folks walking around here while flying those colors."
Supporters of rights for camo wearing citizens gathered at a Facebook page suggesting the creation of an organized activist group, The National Association for the Advancement of Camo'd People. Northerners have directed a fair amount of criticism at the movement, however.
"So wait, these camo people get their own group to promote their interests? But if I created a group to promote glasses with ironically huge black fames, graphic t-shirts based off of real street art by Banksy, and skinny jeans with so much violet dye they have to be washed by hand over a hazardous waste barrel they'd want my head on a plate. Where are my special rights, you uppity Cammers?"
"We really wanted to go with my children this year, but it's just not an option. All of our clothes are Realtree. I mean, it's South Carolina for fuck's sake!" said resident Cletus Harrison.
Prohibiting all camouflage, including digital and Realtree, has alienated a population that wears it almost constantly. Even though Dixie Outfitters and Big Dog t-shirts have a stake in the South Carolina market, they are merely the mashed potatoes to the camouflage's meatloaf. Having one without the other is unheard of, and actually illegal in a handful of municipalities in the American south.
"We had to make this adjustment to curtail criminal activity," said SCSF manager James DuBois. "Most criminals around here can be seen wearing camouflage of some kind. Now I realize that most people in general wear it, and I realize that not all people who wear camouflage are criminals, but I'd really be more comfortable if we didn't have a bunch of white folks walking around here while flying those colors."
Supporters of rights for camo wearing citizens gathered at a Facebook page suggesting the creation of an organized activist group, The National Association for the Advancement of Camo'd People. Northerners have directed a fair amount of criticism at the movement, however.
"So wait, these camo people get their own group to promote their interests? But if I created a group to promote glasses with ironically huge black fames, graphic t-shirts based off of real street art by Banksy, and skinny jeans with so much violet dye they have to be washed by hand over a hazardous waste barrel they'd want my head on a plate. Where are my special rights, you uppity Cammers?"
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bizarro Bites: Shutdown Shenanigans
Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Minor League Baseball: Racy Rascals Regarded as Racist
Bizarro Post Racial Justice Bureau- A minor-league baseball team is drawing a lot of heat for their moniker and mascot, but the Harrison County Inbred Horsemolesters are standing their ground against a growing tide of anger.
"It's reprehensible is what it is," said long-time resident of the south Betsy Cline. "They're taking this terrible caricature of me and everyone I care about and parading it around like it's nothing."
The Inbred Horemolesters are new to the minors, and though they've performed pitifully on the diamond, controversy alone has driven their brand to the headlines of whatever media outlet actually cares about minor league baseball. Their mascot Toothless Jim, whose cartoon rendition is the team's logo, is a 13-toed yokel wearing a filthy wifebeater and stained sweatpants. We caught up with him as he smoked something out of a broken light bulb.
"I've done had it with them folks and their ivory tower critimicisms," Jim slurred. "All them elitist city queers playing the race card and attackin' honest people of business like my employer. To hell with them!"
But southern whites show no signs of letting this portrayal of their culture go, vowing to boycott any business that dares to sponsor the team, such as Harrison County's specialty store Bed, Bathsalts, and Beyond. Manager Frank McCarthy was incensed at the attacks on his small business. "It's bad enough that I've got the DEA breathing down my neck over spice, but now I've got a bunch of race-baiting elitists to worry about? Give me a break!"
Are people defending the dignity of white southerners in the right, or are they over-sensitive persecutors of those who enjoy the casual racism guaranteed to us in our nation's God-breathed Constitution? Voice your opinion in our comments section!
(COMMENTS ARE CLOSED FOR THIS ENTRY DUE TO UNTIMELY DEATH OF MODERATOR WHO ACCIDENTALLY OPENED HIS OFFICE WINDOW AND ACCIDENTALLY JUMPED OUT)
"It's reprehensible is what it is," said long-time resident of the south Betsy Cline. "They're taking this terrible caricature of me and everyone I care about and parading it around like it's nothing."
The Inbred Horemolesters are new to the minors, and though they've performed pitifully on the diamond, controversy alone has driven their brand to the headlines of whatever media outlet actually cares about minor league baseball. Their mascot Toothless Jim, whose cartoon rendition is the team's logo, is a 13-toed yokel wearing a filthy wifebeater and stained sweatpants. We caught up with him as he smoked something out of a broken light bulb.
"I've done had it with them folks and their ivory tower critimicisms," Jim slurred. "All them elitist city queers playing the race card and attackin' honest people of business like my employer. To hell with them!"
But southern whites show no signs of letting this portrayal of their culture go, vowing to boycott any business that dares to sponsor the team, such as Harrison County's specialty store Bed, Bathsalts, and Beyond. Manager Frank McCarthy was incensed at the attacks on his small business. "It's bad enough that I've got the DEA breathing down my neck over spice, but now I've got a bunch of race-baiting elitists to worry about? Give me a break!"
Are people defending the dignity of white southerners in the right, or are they over-sensitive persecutors of those who enjoy the casual racism guaranteed to us in our nation's God-breathed Constitution? Voice your opinion in our comments section!
(COMMENTS ARE CLOSED FOR THIS ENTRY DUE TO UNTIMELY DEATH OF MODERATOR WHO ACCIDENTALLY OPENED HIS OFFICE WINDOW AND ACCIDENTALLY JUMPED OUT)
Sunday, October 13, 2013
AUTOPOST: COULD YOU NOT
Williams, Jordon
Sent: Thu 10/14/2013 12:30 PM
To: All Bizarro Post, Instant Publish Address TEST (DO NOT USE)
CC: hannah.williams@mailcast.net
Topic: COULD YOU JUST NOT.
Look, I don't know what it is about today, okay? I don't. What I do know is that I can't handle any bullshit. I just can't. You've sent me two work orders already in less than an hour. Yes, I know that those were routine requests that are made daily at the same time, but when I saw them appear it felt like my viscera had just splashed out onto the floor (WHICH COULD USE A GODDAMN SWEEPING BY-THE-BY). I've never felt this way before. I would kill a man just to keep playing Minesweeper for one more second. As I swung over to begin the mundane ritual that I have performed hundreds of times, my arms felt like they weighed three-hundred pounds. Same for my eyelids. I've never wanted to not work as hard as I do right now. I'm just done. There's no getting around it.
Please just don't send me anything today. I'll put out the fires the instant I come in tomorrow, but I just can't. Please. One day is all I want. Let me wander through this day like a hungry ghost. Better yet, let me just sleep through it. My desk is fine. The drool won't soak in. Don't ask me how I know.
God....I just
If you walk into my office and find me face down in my folded arms, I'm praying and bothering me is grounds for a lawsuit. Thanks.
Sent: Thu 10/14/2013 12:30 PM
To: All Bizarro Post, Instant Publish Address TEST (DO NOT USE)
CC: hannah.williams@mailcast.net
Topic: COULD YOU JUST NOT.
Look, I don't know what it is about today, okay? I don't. What I do know is that I can't handle any bullshit. I just can't. You've sent me two work orders already in less than an hour. Yes, I know that those were routine requests that are made daily at the same time, but when I saw them appear it felt like my viscera had just splashed out onto the floor (WHICH COULD USE A GODDAMN SWEEPING BY-THE-BY). I've never felt this way before. I would kill a man just to keep playing Minesweeper for one more second. As I swung over to begin the mundane ritual that I have performed hundreds of times, my arms felt like they weighed three-hundred pounds. Same for my eyelids. I've never wanted to not work as hard as I do right now. I'm just done. There's no getting around it.
Please just don't send me anything today. I'll put out the fires the instant I come in tomorrow, but I just can't. Please. One day is all I want. Let me wander through this day like a hungry ghost. Better yet, let me just sleep through it. My desk is fine. The drool won't soak in. Don't ask me how I know.
God....I just
If you walk into my office and find me face down in my folded arms, I'm praying and bothering me is grounds for a lawsuit. Thanks.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Veterans Really Show Hastily Assembled Barriers Who's Boss
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Americans are applauding politely as scores of World War II veterans "storm" the memorial that had been closed due to the government shutdown.
The pilgrimage to the World War II memorial had been planned by the Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight, a charitable organization, for some time. Unfortunately, the date of their visit ran headlong into a government shutdown that few believed would actual happen. Their arrival was met with small plywood barriers and laserjet-printed notices that the park was closed.
"I understand that there's some confusion about why an open-air park would be closed," said Ranger Carolyn Myers. "But it's really a matter of caution, especially since a number of landmarks were vandalized just weeks ago with green paint. We don't have the security and maintenance personnel to protect and serve visitors and structures at this time."
As the despondent skeleton crew of park officials attempted to explain the orders they had been given, a number of elderly veterans hobbled to the barriers and began to bump into them gently, valiantly mustering the five pounds of sustained force needed to move the barriers. Another grabbed a warning sign and crumpled it with a vengeance, sustaining major paper cuts in the process. Concerned about the potential for future injuries, the attending rangers requested permission to allow the group access. The request was granted casually and without argument.
"You thought you could stop me again, did ya' Kraut-boy!?" a veteran yelled at a garbage can.
Veterans and their medical attendants streamed into the park, facing a stiff resistance of nobody whatsoever because they had permission to be there.
"Yeah!" shouted a volunteer pushing a veteran's chair across an unobstructed pathway. "Twenty-three skidoo! Loose lips sink ships! Buy war bonds, or whatever!"
Victory in combat was the theme of the day, as the visitors relived their glory days fighting against an oppressive, fascist government; only with less screaming, dismemberment, and indiscriminate murder. It did, however, contain roughly the same amount of powerful sociopaths and white supremacists, as Republicans turned out in droves to pose for pictures for their next campaign.
The pilgrimage to the World War II memorial had been planned by the Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight, a charitable organization, for some time. Unfortunately, the date of their visit ran headlong into a government shutdown that few believed would actual happen. Their arrival was met with small plywood barriers and laserjet-printed notices that the park was closed.
"I understand that there's some confusion about why an open-air park would be closed," said Ranger Carolyn Myers. "But it's really a matter of caution, especially since a number of landmarks were vandalized just weeks ago with green paint. We don't have the security and maintenance personnel to protect and serve visitors and structures at this time."
As the despondent skeleton crew of park officials attempted to explain the orders they had been given, a number of elderly veterans hobbled to the barriers and began to bump into them gently, valiantly mustering the five pounds of sustained force needed to move the barriers. Another grabbed a warning sign and crumpled it with a vengeance, sustaining major paper cuts in the process. Concerned about the potential for future injuries, the attending rangers requested permission to allow the group access. The request was granted casually and without argument.
"You thought you could stop me again, did ya' Kraut-boy!?" a veteran yelled at a garbage can.
Veterans and their medical attendants streamed into the park, facing a stiff resistance of nobody whatsoever because they had permission to be there.
"Yeah!" shouted a volunteer pushing a veteran's chair across an unobstructed pathway. "Twenty-three skidoo! Loose lips sink ships! Buy war bonds, or whatever!"
Victory in combat was the theme of the day, as the visitors relived their glory days fighting against an oppressive, fascist government; only with less screaming, dismemberment, and indiscriminate murder. It did, however, contain roughly the same amount of powerful sociopaths and white supremacists, as Republicans turned out in droves to pose for pictures for their next campaign.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Government Shutdown: The List
Bizarro Post Clarity Bureau- The government shut down is a confusing subject for many Americans. Does it mean that all laws have been suspended? According to my lawyer and the police officer who dragged me from the burning helicopter I stole to avoid the SWAT vans pursuing me, not at all. Does it mean that politicians can't fundraise using elegant dinner parties? No! Though hijacking a septic tank truck and spraying the interior of their convention center before stealing a helicopter tends to dampen the charitable spirit of attendees.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Voice of the Bizarro People: Government Shutdown
Bizarro Post Public Policy Bureau- If there's one thing we enjoy at the Bizarro Post, it's soliciting the opinions of the general public on complex political skirmishes involving arcane bureaucratic rituals. Mostly because the stunning ignorance of the general public makes us feel so good about our terrible lives.
Today's Topic: Who's to blame for the upcoming government shutdown?
Rich Greenfield- I blame both sides equally. I don't, really, but I say that to women to appear as though I'm not prone to explosive rage over political arguments. Plus, it makes me look wise and level-headed even though it's an intellectually bankrupt stance. In reality, I have a massive stockpile of Chinese ammunition in a fire safe hidden in my crawl space. I also filed my high school class ring's gemstone to a point in anticipation of the day when I finally give the scumbags ruining America a four-knuckle salute to the eye.
Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson- The Jews.
Ron Paul- The Jews.
Jessie Ussery- So they're laying off non-essential personnel, why did they hire them in the first place? I'm an assistant third-shift janitor at Piggly Wiggly, and I see people there every day that can be replaced in a second. Hire who you have to, and not a single person more.
Rachel Ozman: If the Affordable Care Act is so good, why is there such a big fight over it? It stands to reason that a good bill would be supported by everyone, right? Like with desegregation. They like, passed a bill to stop that and everyone was like, 'Duh, why didn't we do this earlier?'
Kayla Olbermann: ALL OF THEM! I don't read nothing with political stuff, so it's just easier to get mad at everyone and call it a day. Who has time to watch Schoolhouse Rock videos when a 13-year-old invented a new dance on YouTube?
Eric Walkowski: It's all because of tax and spend Democrats. When Reagan (pbuh) was in the White House, did he collect taxes and spend federal revenue!? Hell no! Did the founding father's do it? No way! They knew taxation was slavery, and the only slavery I support is the kind that involves Madame Cruella's House of Pain on 3rd Street behind the strip mall. The IRS should look into safewords too.
Pamela Meed: CUT THEIR SALARIES!!! They live paycheck to paycheck like we do, but if they're not working, they should struggle like we do when we're fired for gross incompetence and threatening to sue customers.
Ron Dorner: Blame the people that won't fire them! They for WE THE PEOPLE, and we have the power to kick them out if we don't like the job they're doing. Don't believe me? I sent Bill Clinton a citizen's pink slip in January of 2001. and suddenly George W. Bush was president.
Aaron Wachowski: Affordable healthcare=Someone else pays the bill. People need to stop stealing from insurance companies by forcing them to pay for your procedures. I swear to God, people think because they pay premiums they're ENTITLED to have their medical bills paid for.
James Waters: So let's get this straight. The last time the government shut down was under DEMOCRAT Bill Clinton, and now it's going to shut down under DEMOCRAT Barack Obama. How are the Republicans responsible for this again? No, I'm actually asking. I don't know how checks and balances work and politics is basically a team sport to me.
Nichole Harden: Slavery was a law too once! Now I know the pain that black people suffered when slavery was still happening! Word to my soul brothers from other mothers!
Wendy Bowers: I'm so sick of Congress not getting anything done! I demand action from the right now! Fire them all right now and schedule special elections a few months from now!
Tim Sawyer: President Obama, Democrats, Republicans, and Mossad. In that order.
Dianne Walden: Blame? I'm glad they're shutting down! What the hell does the government do right these days? Who needs them!? Oh god, my Digornos supreme! I completely forgot. Jesus, my kitchen is on fire! Call someone that can put this out! Does anyone know a if the Geek Squad does this sort of thing!?
Jewel Smith: Obamacare is going to destroy the whole healthcare system....and it's gong to make insurance bad with not goodness....and there's a fine tax because of Supreme Court cloture votes.
Brad Morrison: I am a single dad and I know for a fact I can't budget Obama care. When my son gets hurt I just take him to the ER and ignore the bills until they stop. Now I have to pay somebody!? That's socialism!!!
Christopher Benson: I work in a pharmaceutical company, so I kind of know what I'm talking about here. Obamacare is going to force us to abuse patents, create artificial shortages, and cover up side-effects just to make ends meet. None of that would have happened without Obamacare.
Today's Topic: Who's to blame for the upcoming government shutdown?
Rich Greenfield- I blame both sides equally. I don't, really, but I say that to women to appear as though I'm not prone to explosive rage over political arguments. Plus, it makes me look wise and level-headed even though it's an intellectually bankrupt stance. In reality, I have a massive stockpile of Chinese ammunition in a fire safe hidden in my crawl space. I also filed my high school class ring's gemstone to a point in anticipation of the day when I finally give the scumbags ruining America a four-knuckle salute to the eye.
Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson- The Jews.
Ron Paul- The Jews.
Jessie Ussery- So they're laying off non-essential personnel, why did they hire them in the first place? I'm an assistant third-shift janitor at Piggly Wiggly, and I see people there every day that can be replaced in a second. Hire who you have to, and not a single person more.
Rachel Ozman: If the Affordable Care Act is so good, why is there such a big fight over it? It stands to reason that a good bill would be supported by everyone, right? Like with desegregation. They like, passed a bill to stop that and everyone was like, 'Duh, why didn't we do this earlier?'
Kayla Olbermann: ALL OF THEM! I don't read nothing with political stuff, so it's just easier to get mad at everyone and call it a day. Who has time to watch Schoolhouse Rock videos when a 13-year-old invented a new dance on YouTube?
Eric Walkowski: It's all because of tax and spend Democrats. When Reagan (pbuh) was in the White House, did he collect taxes and spend federal revenue!? Hell no! Did the founding father's do it? No way! They knew taxation was slavery, and the only slavery I support is the kind that involves Madame Cruella's House of Pain on 3rd Street behind the strip mall. The IRS should look into safewords too.
Pamela Meed: CUT THEIR SALARIES!!! They live paycheck to paycheck like we do, but if they're not working, they should struggle like we do when we're fired for gross incompetence and threatening to sue customers.
Ron Dorner: Blame the people that won't fire them! They for WE THE PEOPLE, and we have the power to kick them out if we don't like the job they're doing. Don't believe me? I sent Bill Clinton a citizen's pink slip in January of 2001. and suddenly George W. Bush was president.
Aaron Wachowski: Affordable healthcare=Someone else pays the bill. People need to stop stealing from insurance companies by forcing them to pay for your procedures. I swear to God, people think because they pay premiums they're ENTITLED to have their medical bills paid for.
James Waters: So let's get this straight. The last time the government shut down was under DEMOCRAT Bill Clinton, and now it's going to shut down under DEMOCRAT Barack Obama. How are the Republicans responsible for this again? No, I'm actually asking. I don't know how checks and balances work and politics is basically a team sport to me.
Nichole Harden: Slavery was a law too once! Now I know the pain that black people suffered when slavery was still happening! Word to my soul brothers from other mothers!
Wendy Bowers: I'm so sick of Congress not getting anything done! I demand action from the right now! Fire them all right now and schedule special elections a few months from now!
Tim Sawyer: President Obama, Democrats, Republicans, and Mossad. In that order.
Dianne Walden: Blame? I'm glad they're shutting down! What the hell does the government do right these days? Who needs them!? Oh god, my Digornos supreme! I completely forgot. Jesus, my kitchen is on fire! Call someone that can put this out! Does anyone know a if the Geek Squad does this sort of thing!?
Jewel Smith: Obamacare is going to destroy the whole healthcare system....and it's gong to make insurance bad with not goodness....and there's a fine tax because of Supreme Court cloture votes.
Brad Morrison: I am a single dad and I know for a fact I can't budget Obama care. When my son gets hurt I just take him to the ER and ignore the bills until they stop. Now I have to pay somebody!? That's socialism!!!
Christopher Benson: I work in a pharmaceutical company, so I kind of know what I'm talking about here. Obamacare is going to force us to abuse patents, create artificial shortages, and cover up side-effects just to make ends meet. None of that would have happened without Obamacare.
Wal-Shabob Terrorizes Part-Timers
Bizarro Terror Bureau- Paramilitary group Wal-Shabob has released a disturbing new video claiming to show a hostage paycheck laying before heavily armed, masked partisans. The group has threatened to dismember the check, belonging to 83-year-old door greeter Marilyn Wilson, if their demands are not met.
One of the insurgents spoke to the camera, gesturing angrily with his finger in the air. "We demand the end to subsidized healthcare. It must be entirely privatized! We demand that the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement be enacted! We demand the ability to sell products from any sweatshop we desire, and the freedom to treat our employees with the respect they deserve by making Right to Work a federal law. Americans deserve the right to work with no protection, and they deserve the right to be fired for any reason with no notice. Agree to this, or the check will face the consequences."
A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.
"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.
Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.
Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.
"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"
The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.
"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."
Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.
"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"
ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.
Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."
Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.
"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."
The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.
"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."
They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.
A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.
"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.
Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.
Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.
"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"
The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.
"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."
Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.
"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"
ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.
Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."
Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.
"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."
The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.
"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."
They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.
Friday, September 27, 2013
The Downfall of The Icy Hot Prankstas
Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Five young men have been arrested for their participation in the Icy Hot Prankstas "prank posse."
The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.
PRANKSTA TIMELINE
-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.
-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.
-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"
The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....
-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.
"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."
"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."
This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.
"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"
Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."
Yeah, it kind of went on like that.
-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.
-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."
"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.
Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.
Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.
YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.
The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.
PRANKSTA TIMELINE
-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.
-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.
-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"
The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....
-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.
"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."
"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."
This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.
"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"
Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."
Yeah, it kind of went on like that.
-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.
-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."
"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.
Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.
Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.
YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Iran's President: Eh, Maybe the Holocaust Happened
Bizarro New York, NY (BP)- In a surprising change in stance for the Islamic Republic of Iran's ruling theocracy, President Hassan Rouhani has sort of acknowledged that the Holocaust was a real event.
"The Nazis did a terrible thing to some Jews," said President Rouhani to a small group of American reporters. "I'm not going to say how many. I'm sure it was more than ten. Maybe less than twenty, I dunno. It was a pretty big dick move, though."
Iran is hoping that its moderate-ish leadership can be used to convince the United Nations to rescind economic sanctions against their nation. Holocaust denial has long been used as a psychological bludgeon against Israel by the ruling parties of Iran, and to deny the legitimacy of Israel's formation in territories that were already occupied.
When pressed about the specifics of the Holocaust, President Rouhani seemed reluctant to continue.
"Let us leave the specifics to the historians," he replied.
Let Me Google That For You has offered to assist the president in his search for answers. As of this writing, Iran's leadership has not responded.
"The Nazis did a terrible thing to some Jews," said President Rouhani to a small group of American reporters. "I'm not going to say how many. I'm sure it was more than ten. Maybe less than twenty, I dunno. It was a pretty big dick move, though."
Iran is hoping that its moderate-ish leadership can be used to convince the United Nations to rescind economic sanctions against their nation. Holocaust denial has long been used as a psychological bludgeon against Israel by the ruling parties of Iran, and to deny the legitimacy of Israel's formation in territories that were already occupied.
When pressed about the specifics of the Holocaust, President Rouhani seemed reluctant to continue.
"Let us leave the specifics to the historians," he replied.
Let Me Google That For You has offered to assist the president in his search for answers. As of this writing, Iran's leadership has not responded.
Monday, September 23, 2013
GOP Annonces Gun Stamp Program
Bizarro Post Social Justice Bureau- The House of Representatives voted to reallocate $40 billion in food stamp benefits to a new program, the Gun Stamp program.
Voting along party lines, Republicans pushed through the measure. Millions of Americans who cannot afford guns, high capacity magazines, scopes and other necessities will be granted a monthly stipend to help relieve them of their financial burden.
"This bill is designed to give people a hand when they need it most. Most people don't choose to be gunless. Most want to go out and with so many belts of ammo that you can't even see if they're naked. They want enough bullets for themselves, and their spouse, and their families," said Eric Cantor (R-VA).
Republicans chalk this up as a big win, decimating the entitlement program that encourages laziness and thug culture (black friend, not racist), and replacing it with an empowerment program that will flood the slums and projects with life-saving firearms.
"Go out and look for tangos," Representative Tim Huelskamp (R-KN) suggested. "Start weapons training and aim for the center mass. You can no longer sit on your couch all gunless and not shooting and expect the police to defend you!"
Representative Steve Southerland turned to the Bible for inspiration in his passionate argument on behalf of the measure. "What if Jesus had a gun when Satan tempted him? Boom, no more Satan! What if Jesus had a gun when the Jews demanded that he be executed? He could have taken them all out. As far as I'm concerned, THAT would be the greatest story ever told!"
Voting along party lines, Republicans pushed through the measure. Millions of Americans who cannot afford guns, high capacity magazines, scopes and other necessities will be granted a monthly stipend to help relieve them of their financial burden.
"This bill is designed to give people a hand when they need it most. Most people don't choose to be gunless. Most want to go out and with so many belts of ammo that you can't even see if they're naked. They want enough bullets for themselves, and their spouse, and their families," said Eric Cantor (R-VA).
Republicans chalk this up as a big win, decimating the entitlement program that encourages laziness and thug culture (black friend, not racist), and replacing it with an empowerment program that will flood the slums and projects with life-saving firearms.
"Go out and look for tangos," Representative Tim Huelskamp (R-KN) suggested. "Start weapons training and aim for the center mass. You can no longer sit on your couch all gunless and not shooting and expect the police to defend you!"
Representative Steve Southerland turned to the Bible for inspiration in his passionate argument on behalf of the measure. "What if Jesus had a gun when Satan tempted him? Boom, no more Satan! What if Jesus had a gun when the Jews demanded that he be executed? He could have taken them all out. As far as I'm concerned, THAT would be the greatest story ever told!"
Oh SNAP! Food Stamps Get Served by Fox News
Bizarro Media Bureau- Fox News scored a major win in their war against food stamps today, as they stumbled across a big, fat, juicy strawman just before the House of Representatives voted on SNAP benefits.
"What a coincidence this all was!" gasped Megan Kelly. "This is truly the providence of God that we'd find this perfect strawman hanging out at a talent agency known for having desperate clients! AAHHH! Why did you use the shock collar!? I didn't say any--OUCH!"
28-year-old John Hussein "Free Palestine" Smith-McSmitherson is a resident of San Diego who allowed Fox News crew members to shoot footage of him in HD at multiple angles while he used his SNAP benefits to purchase tie-dye T-shirts, bandannas with peace signs on them, big fat blunts, and "Coexist" bumper stickers.
"I love living this way and taking money from hard working Americans. Like Bill Parsons and Anita Fontaine from the Fox News mailing list that I have never seen. Someday I hope to pay for an abortion with my tax money, after I Baptize the fetus in the name of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez," Smith-McSmitherson said in a carefully constructed closed set featuring luxury items that he definitely owns.
Fox send copies of their package to Capitol Hill offices, mysteriously using novelty stamps that hadn't been sold for months. Representatives took the message to heart as they argued over the SNAP program Thursday.
"You can no longer buy gay porn and copies of The Satanic Bible with SNAP benefits, like John Smith-Smithy-Smith," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-KN). "The SNAP program is plagued with abuse! I know because a DVD-R my secretary gave me said so. DVDs from strangers haven't lied to me yet, and by God I don't expect them to."
Darrel Issa (R-CA) was also outraged. "He obviously is anticipating being very rich later and not paying back the money, the goddamn freeloader. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue drafting this measure to reduce capitol gains taxes, ideally to 0%."
"What a coincidence this all was!" gasped Megan Kelly. "This is truly the providence of God that we'd find this perfect strawman hanging out at a talent agency known for having desperate clients! AAHHH! Why did you use the shock collar!? I didn't say any--OUCH!"
28-year-old John Hussein "Free Palestine" Smith-McSmitherson is a resident of San Diego who allowed Fox News crew members to shoot footage of him in HD at multiple angles while he used his SNAP benefits to purchase tie-dye T-shirts, bandannas with peace signs on them, big fat blunts, and "Coexist" bumper stickers.
"I love living this way and taking money from hard working Americans. Like Bill Parsons and Anita Fontaine from the Fox News mailing list that I have never seen. Someday I hope to pay for an abortion with my tax money, after I Baptize the fetus in the name of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez," Smith-McSmitherson said in a carefully constructed closed set featuring luxury items that he definitely owns.
Fox send copies of their package to Capitol Hill offices, mysteriously using novelty stamps that hadn't been sold for months. Representatives took the message to heart as they argued over the SNAP program Thursday.
"You can no longer buy gay porn and copies of The Satanic Bible with SNAP benefits, like John Smith-Smithy-Smith," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-KN). "The SNAP program is plagued with abuse! I know because a DVD-R my secretary gave me said so. DVDs from strangers haven't lied to me yet, and by God I don't expect them to."
Darrel Issa (R-CA) was also outraged. "He obviously is anticipating being very rich later and not paying back the money, the goddamn freeloader. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue drafting this measure to reduce capitol gains taxes, ideally to 0%."
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Billy Ray Cyrus Monetizes Ache-y, Break-y Heart
Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau- Billy Ray Cyrus might be a long country mile away from being relevant, but that doesn't mean he's sitting on his hands. The former be-loath-ed country singer and Hannah Montana supporting actor is making a lucrative career out of reacting to things his daughter, Miley Cyrus, does.
"People think it's easy. Like, it's not even a legitimate career," Cyrus drawls. "But my job is to look at my daughter's boobs and then create a dissertation around how I feel. Then I've got to go through the whole process a three or four dozen times for all the magazines and blogs. It's a full time job."
Unlike Lady Gaga, whose nudity is expected and demanded, Miley Cyrus is seen as a wholesome pop star in the style of The Mickey Mouse Club. The disappointed father narrative appeals to this public perception, and Billy Cyrus is able to charge a considerable fee to describe his experience witnessing his daughter grinding her nether regions on a wrecking ball.
"Some of the things I have to witness really curl my mullet," growls the professionally disappointed dad. "But what the hell, I'm doing better than I ever have financially. Her failure to make good decisions makes me proud."
"People think it's easy. Like, it's not even a legitimate career," Cyrus drawls. "But my job is to look at my daughter's boobs and then create a dissertation around how I feel. Then I've got to go through the whole process a three or four dozen times for all the magazines and blogs. It's a full time job."
Unlike Lady Gaga, whose nudity is expected and demanded, Miley Cyrus is seen as a wholesome pop star in the style of The Mickey Mouse Club. The disappointed father narrative appeals to this public perception, and Billy Cyrus is able to charge a considerable fee to describe his experience witnessing his daughter grinding her nether regions on a wrecking ball.
"Some of the things I have to witness really curl my mullet," growls the professionally disappointed dad. "But what the hell, I'm doing better than I ever have financially. Her failure to make good decisions makes me proud."
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Bikers Bring the Noise (And Shivs)
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Much to the delight of people who actually had shit to do on the Beltway and in the Capitol, a swarm of bikers arrived to burn thousands of gallons of Saudi Arabian oil in order to show the local Muslim community who was boss.
"Jesus Christ," said Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) while stuck in congested Beltway traffic. "When I heard there was going to be a rally against that other rally, I was all for it. But why did these assholes have to be behind it?"
Streets were clogged with tremendous amounts of bikers rolling at walking speed as they celebrated American patriotism. Most rode on vehicles built by Harley Davidson, a company that has been spiraling towards financial destruction for some time now.
"We support the safety and prosperity of all Americans, who don't deserve to be terrorized by criminal thugs," said Hell's Angels bag man Stabbin' Stu.
Upon the arrival of the bikers, Washington D.C. saw its meth trade tripled, its obesity rate quadrupled and its ambient decibel level quintupled. A group of Mongols and Angels began to brawl over a tiny American flag, resulting in a dozen serious injuries and many attempted murder charges. While Republicans were passively supportive of a rally for patriotism, their tune changed the instant they found out bikers were in charge of the entire event.
"This really oranges my skin," grumbled John Boehner (R-OH). "Why did it have to be these people? Why not invite the damn Juggalos next year? Give them some Faygo and Oxycontin! At least they wouldn't make so much goddamn noise!"
The bikers insisted on holding a rally, despite being denied a permit. Belinda Bee, who is not a matronly cartoon insect, was livid over the decision.
"This is purely political! But we the people will not be denied our right to peacefully assemble because of the PC police!" Bee droned on Fox and Friends. City administrators responded to her accusations a few hours later.
"They're asking us to close down major thoroughfares in our city on September 11th to accommodate a shitstorm of hairy men and morbidly obese women to turn our city into a Hepatitis-infested parking lot," said National Park Service representative Sheldon Parker. "Oh, yeah, but let's invite rival biker gangs to compare knives with each other all over town! Because our police don't have enough to do!"
Bikers are expected to depart throughout the next few days. Until that time, residents and visitors to the D.C. area are advised to use insect repellent on their lower legs to prevent trillions of scabies mites from hitching a ride on their shoes and pants. Smoke that smells like cat urine may be observed near hotels, but this is expected to clear soon. Do not make eye contact with bikers, and do not wear excessive amounts of red or blue clothing.
Police estimate that 5,000 bikers participated in the event. Glenn Beck's The Blaze and The Drudge Report counted a total of "a zillion" and "a million billion" respectively.
"Jesus Christ," said Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) while stuck in congested Beltway traffic. "When I heard there was going to be a rally against that other rally, I was all for it. But why did these assholes have to be behind it?"
Streets were clogged with tremendous amounts of bikers rolling at walking speed as they celebrated American patriotism. Most rode on vehicles built by Harley Davidson, a company that has been spiraling towards financial destruction for some time now.
"We support the safety and prosperity of all Americans, who don't deserve to be terrorized by criminal thugs," said Hell's Angels bag man Stabbin' Stu.
Upon the arrival of the bikers, Washington D.C. saw its meth trade tripled, its obesity rate quadrupled and its ambient decibel level quintupled. A group of Mongols and Angels began to brawl over a tiny American flag, resulting in a dozen serious injuries and many attempted murder charges. While Republicans were passively supportive of a rally for patriotism, their tune changed the instant they found out bikers were in charge of the entire event.
"This really oranges my skin," grumbled John Boehner (R-OH). "Why did it have to be these people? Why not invite the damn Juggalos next year? Give them some Faygo and Oxycontin! At least they wouldn't make so much goddamn noise!"
The bikers insisted on holding a rally, despite being denied a permit. Belinda Bee, who is not a matronly cartoon insect, was livid over the decision.
"This is purely political! But we the people will not be denied our right to peacefully assemble because of the PC police!" Bee droned on Fox and Friends. City administrators responded to her accusations a few hours later.
"They're asking us to close down major thoroughfares in our city on September 11th to accommodate a shitstorm of hairy men and morbidly obese women to turn our city into a Hepatitis-infested parking lot," said National Park Service representative Sheldon Parker. "Oh, yeah, but let's invite rival biker gangs to compare knives with each other all over town! Because our police don't have enough to do!"
Bikers are expected to depart throughout the next few days. Until that time, residents and visitors to the D.C. area are advised to use insect repellent on their lower legs to prevent trillions of scabies mites from hitching a ride on their shoes and pants. Smoke that smells like cat urine may be observed near hotels, but this is expected to clear soon. Do not make eye contact with bikers, and do not wear excessive amounts of red or blue clothing.
Police estimate that 5,000 bikers participated in the event. Glenn Beck's The Blaze and The Drudge Report counted a total of "a zillion" and "a million billion" respectively.
Monday, September 9, 2013
An End to Caring About Syria?
Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Americans are hopeful that they can return to not caring about Syria following an request by Russia that the Assad regime place its chemical weapons under international control. It appears at this time that Assad's government is receptive to the idea.
"Thank God!" shouted Flagstaff, Arizona schoolteacher Sharon Dupree. "It's been a really tense couple of weeks, having to answer questions from my students about all this. I didn't even know where Syria was until I scanned Wikipedia. Now I just can't wait to forget."
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been critical of American intervention since it was initially proposed, and has counted his nation as an ally of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. Putin's administration is hopeful that this new deal might halt military strikes by western powers, and reduce the diplomatic pressure placed on Russia by openly aligning themselves with a guy who orders mass murder like he was ordering a pizza.
"He is a good man, really. He is just very upset about mustache. It has always been a terrible burden," explained President Putin. "We are looking into giving him stem cells with DNA of Stalin on lip to perhaps fix this. Provided he meets certain conditions, of course."
Washington is undoubtedly examining this development very closely, but no immediate reaction has been observed. Analysts suggest that the White House may be revising their messaging for the planned address by President Obama on Tuesday.
A number of public figures wasted no time in addressing Putin's offer, including Invisible Children, the human rights advocates behind the controversial "Kony 2012" marketing blitz.
"They've been stealing our thunder for FAR too long!" fumed organization founder Jason Russell. "Kony 2013! Kony 2014! Kony FOREVER!"
Mr. Russell proceeded to disrobe and began twerking violently in the middle of a busy intersection.
It's a feeling that so many Americans can identify with in these trying times, as citizens long to be free from the oppressive violence and death of war. Our bodies are constrained by itchy cotton/polyester blends of combat. Our hips are stilled by the financial burden of occupation. Perhaps this and other developments will allow us the freedom we so desperately seek. The freedom to twerk with friends, twerk with family, and twerk with our communities. With Russia's surprising diplomatic strategy, perhaps the western world can twerk in peace once again.
"Thank God!" shouted Flagstaff, Arizona schoolteacher Sharon Dupree. "It's been a really tense couple of weeks, having to answer questions from my students about all this. I didn't even know where Syria was until I scanned Wikipedia. Now I just can't wait to forget."
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been critical of American intervention since it was initially proposed, and has counted his nation as an ally of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. Putin's administration is hopeful that this new deal might halt military strikes by western powers, and reduce the diplomatic pressure placed on Russia by openly aligning themselves with a guy who orders mass murder like he was ordering a pizza.
"He is a good man, really. He is just very upset about mustache. It has always been a terrible burden," explained President Putin. "We are looking into giving him stem cells with DNA of Stalin on lip to perhaps fix this. Provided he meets certain conditions, of course."
Washington is undoubtedly examining this development very closely, but no immediate reaction has been observed. Analysts suggest that the White House may be revising their messaging for the planned address by President Obama on Tuesday.
A number of public figures wasted no time in addressing Putin's offer, including Invisible Children, the human rights advocates behind the controversial "Kony 2012" marketing blitz.
"They've been stealing our thunder for FAR too long!" fumed organization founder Jason Russell. "Kony 2013! Kony 2014! Kony FOREVER!"
Mr. Russell proceeded to disrobe and began twerking violently in the middle of a busy intersection.
It's a feeling that so many Americans can identify with in these trying times, as citizens long to be free from the oppressive violence and death of war. Our bodies are constrained by itchy cotton/polyester blends of combat. Our hips are stilled by the financial burden of occupation. Perhaps this and other developments will allow us the freedom we so desperately seek. The freedom to twerk with friends, twerk with family, and twerk with our communities. With Russia's surprising diplomatic strategy, perhaps the western world can twerk in peace once again.
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