Angry Grandpa Revives a Piece of Beloved Americana

BIzarro Post Social Media Bureau- The Clifford family has spent the better part of a decade trying to teach their elderly grandfather how to write inflammatory opinions online. The reason? Clement Clifford currently uses a sign on his front lawn instead.

The best thing about these signs? No elitist spellcheck.

"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."

Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."

Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.

"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"

Shit, he's got us there.

Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.

Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.

Officer Bravely Stops Rampaging Rodent

Bizarro Mountain City, TN (BP)- A local police officer is being heralded as a hero for saving shoppers from a bloodthirsty rodent menace.

A brave citizen made a frantic call to 911 about a rampaging rodent terrorizing customers in the rural community's Dollar General store. This was nothing new. Countless innocent, God-fearing Dollar General patrons have fallen victim to demented squirrels demanding stale chips and Easter Grass (perfect for nesting as winter approaches). As the creature gorged itself on stale Doritoes, it was heard making several Anti-Semitic remarks.

"I knew I had to act quickly and decisively," responding officer Jody Putnam recalled.

And he did. Deploying his Mace, Putnam hoped to show the animal the mercy it refused to show anyone else with a non-lethal response. But the crafty squirrel wasn't having it. Utilizing a cheap, dusty oscillating fan, the squirrel hurled the cloud of Mace into the face of onlookers.

"That policeman's plan to fill the store with burning vapor was brilliant until that damn terrorist turned it against us," said store manager Francine Abernathy.

The kid gloves were coming off. Putnam pulled his service weapon and pledged to put the squirrel down. Moving with remarkable tactical skill through patrons, including a woman shielding her baby, the officer shot at the squirrel as it raced through the store at breakneck speed. Mary LaFavre made sure her child watched the heroic display, despite the Mace swelling his eyes mostly shut.

"My son might be too young to remember anything like this just yet, but I wanted to make sure he knew what a true hero looked like. If I had to stand in the path of random gunfire to do it, that's fine by me," LaFavre said, dabbing the discharge from her eyes.

At long last, having exhausted two clips, Putnam brought a mighty boot down on the rodent's tail and subdued it with a confident blow to the base of the skull.

"The boys at Gitmo are going to have some very interesting questions for this little bastard," Officer Putnam said, straightening the brand new service medal on his lapel. "And from what I understand, the guys down there and squirrels have a little something in common. They both like nuts. One likes 'em in a tree, the other likes 'em with jumper cables attached."

Local Alcoholic Father Much More Pleasant When Drunk

Bizarro Gary, IN (BP)- The wife and children of a local alcoholic father live in constant terror whenever Harry Wilson is sober.

"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.

The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.

"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."

Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.

"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."

It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.

We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!

Mayor Trolls Terrible Townsfolk

Bizarro Shelbyville, SC (BP)- After sparking massive public outrage for publishing plans to build a public skate park for $50,000, Mayor Angela Majors has decided to troll the hell out of her city's citizens by leaking fake expenditure reports to the local media constantly.

"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."

She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.

"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.

There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"

"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."

Local Man Isn't Such a Badass After Fatal Shooting

Bizarro Tyler, TX (BP)- A local shit-talker is looking like a complete tool after getting his face blown off while confronting a visitor. Neighbors say that the cantankerous asshole will not be missed.

"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."

Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.

"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"

There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.

Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.

"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."

The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"

"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."

Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.

"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."

Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.

Wal-Mart Puts Sweat Back in America's Shop

Bizarro Business Bureau-In a star-spangled spectacle, Wal-Mart chief executive Bill Simon announced that their massive retail chain would strive to include American-made products in a push to revive the nation's flagging economy.

"America needs more good, middle-class jobs to live happily and raise healthy families!" Simon says. "Too bad about that, really. Sucks to be you!"

Starting in 2014, Wal-Mart plans to take many of their sweatshop operations and relocate them throughout the American south, where governors are more likely to be receptive to Wal-Mart's neo-liberal economic model.

When asked about what will happen to the Vietnamese orphans and Chinese indentured laborers that would lose their jobs, Simon shrugged. "There's always the prostitution industry."

Interested in these exciting new jobs coming your way? Here's what you need to know:

-Ages 5-80 are eligible for employment.

-Starting pay is not having your legs broken by private security. After a 90-day probationary period, pay is increased to $0.04 an hour. Pending a positive annual evaluation, pay can be increased yearly as much as .000006%.

-Positions are 90 hours a week. Overtime pay is not provided. Breaks are provided when worker collapses, and continue until beatings awaken the employee. A five minute break is scheduled every day at noon for distribution and consumption of semi-edible nutrient bricks and whatever water is collected in rain barrels.

-Communal dormitories are provided by your generous benefactors. Leaving is not permitted. Guard towers monitor all ingress and egress for unauthorized departures. Violators will be shot and rendered into True Value dog food.

-Guaranteed promotions, in that death is favorable to remaining employed at a Wal-Mart manufacturing facility.

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Bees and PCP's

Bizarro New York City (BP)- A group of motorcyclists are being heralded as heroes after saving a family under attack by a bee in their Range Rover.

"There's nothing scarier than a bee in the car with your family," said biker Jimmy Rockwell. "It could sting you, it could sting someone you care about, it could cause you to make a critical mistake behind the wheel. You've got to take drastic action in those circumstances."

Attendees of the Hollywood Block Party rally happened to notice a driver in distress as they passed by, frantically swatting at a furious bee bouncing against his windshield. Without hesitation, they sprung into action, surrounding the SUV to help the driver stay in his lane.

"Thank God for those guys," the driver said after the ordeal was finally over. "The bee could have come flying in from anywhere, and I was so disoriented. But the sounds of their obnoxious engines kept me pointed in the right direction the whole time."

At last, the Range Rover was brought to a stop. The family wasn't our of the woods yet.

Stingologist Dr. Michelle Brennan explains. "One of the most dangerous things you can do in a bee crisis involving a moving vehicle is to stop! The momentum of the car tends to push the insect towards the back window, but stopping could perhaps fling the assailant right at you."

Unfortunately for the Range Rover residents, that's precisely what happened. The bikers took drastic action, smashing the driver's side window open in an attempt to draw the bee towards the fresh air and away from its hostages. Sadly, their tactic backfired. The bee had indeed gone towards the window, but was intercepted by the driver's hair, where it became stuck.

"GET IT OFF!? OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS STINGING!" the man could be heard screaming as he endured the wrath of the bee, Mother Nature's hate letter to mankind.

Our brave bikers would not be cowed by this terrifying act of unprovoked violence. Helmets and boots became weapons, thirsty for bee blood (it's acid, you know!). Within seconds, the villain was nothing more than a fuzzy pile of paste. Sadly, the victory came with a price. The driver suffered many wounds to his head during the attempt to save him.

"It was painful, chaotic," the driver recalled from his hospital bed. "But when it comes to a full-on bee attack, hesitation can kill. I'm so thankful that my family was at least spared. God put those bikers there to protect us, I just know it!"

Biker Eddie Parsons chuckled at the idea. "I don't know if guardian angels are allowed to do some of the stuff I do in my spare time. But if I can help a guy out of a dangerous situation, by God, I'm going it. America needs that now more than ever, you know?"

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Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- A new super hero patrols the streets of Detroit, looking to dispense justice whenever it's needed. He doesn't wear a mask, a uniform, or a cape. In fact, he usually doesn't wear anything at all. His name? The PCP Avenger!

"I was robbing this guy with my trusty knife, Little Stabby," inmate Carl Redden recalls. "All the sudden, I hear this banging noise, and there's this naked dude punching holes in a wood fence nearby. Bare hands!"

Redden's victim called out to the mighty stranger for help. After taking some time to rub a rusty nail across his inner thigh, The PCP Avenger charged into the fray. Redden frantically stabbed at the fearless hero, but the wounds had no effect. Mere seconds after the fight began, The Avenger stood victorious.

"I was so thankful!" said the robbery victim, who did not wish to be identified. "This guy was a stone cold badass! I didn't even mind when he started dry humping me with his bloody torso!"

Many more sightings of The PCP Avenger followed; along with tales of his incredible acrobatic skills and superhuman strength. Detroit's criminal underworld lived in constant terror. Police, however, were not impressed.

"This guy is a vigilante, plain and simple. There's no room for vigilantes in Detroit," said Detroit Police spokesman Lt. James Morris. "Not unless you're a properly licensed bounty hunter. If you are, for the love of God, please help. We can't pay you with money, but we've got come metal scraps that've gotta be worth something."

The wild-eyed warrior may not be the hero Detroit deserves, but it's the one they need right now. From all of us here at the Bizarro Post, we salute you, PCP Avenger!

Man Fishes in Ditch Shirtless, Does Not Care

Bizarro Tallahassee, Florida (BP)- A local man was seen outside of a Cracker Barrel restaurant fishing shirtless in a flooded drainage ditch.

The obese white male, clad only in a pair of cargo shorts and sandals, was seen earnestly attempting to catch fish in a stagnant pool of water as rush hour traffic roared by yards away.

"I've never seen anyone give less of a shit in my whole life," said one motorist.

Business was booming at the Cracker Barrel, as patrons requested window seats to watch the man "go." Manager John Sanford was all smiles.

"There wouldn't even be water in that ditch if the city would maintain the damn drainage system," Sandord explained. "The whole thing is just a big mosquito factory, but it's really pulling its weight today. God bless that crazy asshole."

The fisherman never spoke as he twitched a Texas-rigged scented worm through the brackish pool for hours at a time, his patience and diligence both superhuman and inspiring. Department of Transportation officials confirm that the body of water resulted from steady rainfall and blockage, but they did not want to risk unleashing gallons of fecal-contaminates into an already filthy runoff system. Beyond an assortment of insects, larvae, and fungi, life is not sustainable in the ditch. Fish are out of the question.

"But he's trying anyway," said bystander Ethel Page. "I see people clinging to hope where there shouldn't be any, and it just lifts my soul up to where I need it to be."

Man Successfully Achieves Loaded Handgun Cleaning Glory

Bizarro Raleigh, NC (BP)- A Raleigh man has just successfully cleaned his loaded handgun for the 100th time without a tragic mishap.

"What can I say, I'm just that good!" said Joe "Sticky Fingers" Til. "I find the trick is to clean the trigger with a Q-tip. You get a nice, even oil distribution with the precision you need."

Til lives in a small second-story apartment complex, which houses many large working-class families. His own family includes his five children, who share a single bedroom directly across from their father's "cleanin' desk" where he services his 1911 handgun. Til's wife was lost when she was cleaning her own loaded handgun, only to have it discharge.

"She never did have the magic touch," Til reminisced.

Til insists that the gun never go without ammunition to keep the "powder dry" in the event that the forthcoming patriotic revolution starts outside his door. He's got his critics, including the families that live above, below, and on both sides of his two-bedroom apartment, but Til stands steadfast.

"The government gun-grabbers wish like hell I'd let my little sweetheart rust up," Til muttered as he stroked the barrel of his weapon [lol]. "But I've got hollow-points, a modified hair trigger, and a patriot's heart that can't be stopped by any obstacle. Not even my developin' Parkinson's."

Battling the Bond: A Survivor's Story

Bizarro Post Mental Health Bureau- There's a hidden disease in America, a festering plague that knows no cultural or social boundaries.  Few can believe that it is true and nobody is trying to stop it. Now the truth is coming to light in this Bizarro Post exclusive, where we have found a brave individual wanting to speak out about their addiction to Gold Bond medicated powder.

"It started legitimately. I was working outside on my driveway, and between the sweating and constant movement I developed chafing," said Dennis Reid, 34, an accountant from Huntsville, Alabama.

When used properly, Gold Bond is legendary for its ability to soothe the savaged loins. But when some people first feel the soothing arctic blast washing over their no-no places, once just isn't enough.

"At first I tried to find legitimate reasons to use it. I'd wear woolen long-johns to mow the lawn in the middle of summer. I cut up a pair of my jeans, took a square of denim, and rubbed the hell out of my upper thighs for hours," Reid admitted. "My friends thought I was jogging to loose weight. What they didn't know is that I had lined my boxers with sandpaper."

Once his skin was shredded and seeping, Reid could be found lying on the cool tiles of his bathroom floor, tripping on a massive hit of "Goldy-B" for hours at a time. Visitors would sometimes ask about the strange dust covering nearly every surface in the bathroom.

"I told them I had a cocaine addiction," Reid recounted. "The truth was just too terrible."

It wasn't long before the pretenses were dropped. When Dennis Reid woke up in the morning, he dusted up. When he felt a twinge of doubt or self-loathing, he powdered his donuts. Before he went to sleep at night, he frosted his mini-wheats. It all came to a head when Reid's then-girlfriend Jeanette found him lounging in a plastic child's pool full of Gold Bond. Word spread to his friends, who sprung into action with an intervention.

"I never would have guessed that the Den-man was into Bond-age," said long-time friend Hal Kasmire. "As soon as I found out, I knew I had to get involved. Whip him back into shape, you know?"

"At first I denied everything," said Reid, when asked about the intervention. "Then I just broke down. All the lies and shame crashed in on me."

"He throws himself at me," Kasmire said. "And he's just saying 'I'm dusting right now, man! I'm riding the Polar Express as we speak! I need a hug, bro!' So I gave him one. It felt so right, and I think he felt it too."

Three months of withdrawal made Reid's life into a nightmare. Jeanette left him immediately after the pool incident, and as much as Hal Kasmire wanted to be there for his best friend, work and family demanded his attention as well. And then came the symptoms of a body craving stimulation that only Satan's Sand could provide.

"I felt so swampy. I wasn't so fresh....down there," Reid recalled. But I powdere...powered through. Every time I thought about quitting, I thought about Jeanette. If I could just beat this, she would take me back."

She didn't, but that's beside the point. One morning just like any other, a man named Dennis Reid woke up to find that his junk wasn't cradled in the hands of angels, and that was just okay. The addiction had lost. Dennis had won.

"It's been a year since I kicked Gold Bond," said Reid, grimacing while working in his yard. "I'm doing a lot better, you know? My withdrawal alienated my friends, and my addiction cost me the love of my life. Even Hal doesn't return my texts much anymore. I spend most of my time on futile attempts to be content with my lot in life, and my thighs are just on fire right now. But at least I'm not addicted to something. That's....a plus, I guess. Big victory. I'm a...champion."

That you are, Dennis. That you are.

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Football, Fallout, and the Friendless

Football Phenom Finally Free

Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.

Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.

"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"

Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."

The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.

"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."

With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.

"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"

True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.

"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.

"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"

St.John wearily objected.

"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"

In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.

"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."

"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.

"Yeah, yeah. What you said."

As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.

"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"

The court fell silent.

"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.

Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.

"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"

These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.

"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."

With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.


Nelson Builds Nuclear Families

Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.

Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.

The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.

"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.

One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.

"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."

The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.

"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."

A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.

"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"

As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.

After all, an armed society is a polite society.

Residents Eye Quiet Guy

Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.

"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."

The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.

"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.

As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.

Neighborhood Nuisance Gets Nasty Note

Bizarro Newcastle, Ontario (BP)- A community is rallying around an autistic 13-year-old boy named Max after a massive dick of a neighbor wrote an insulting letter to his parents. Max wrote one in return.

To the degenerates at this address:
I also live in this neighborhood and have a problem!!!!! You have a lady in your home that is an insufferable bitch and you consciously decided that it would be a good idea to live in a close proximity neighborhood like this??? When you feel your idiot needs fresh air, take her to a PTA meeting you dope!!!!!! We have city council sessions!!! Those places are DESIGNED to encourage to people to share their profoundly idiotic opinions!!!!
She is a hindrance to everyone and will always be that way!!!! Who the hell is going to care for her when she shitting herself and collecting bedsores after karma gives her a well-deserved case of dementia???? No employer will hire her scrawny ass now that her shittiness is a matter of public record. Personally, they should donate her body for science. Maybe they can find a vaccine for being an unadulterated shitlord!!! What the hell else good is she to anyone???? You have a disgusting harpy in your house, deal with it.....properly!!!!! What right do you have to do this to hard working people????? I HATE people like you who believe, just because you have an unstoppable asshole in your family, you are entitled to shit all over everyone else's lives. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do everyone in our community a huge favor and MOVE!!!! VAMOS!!!!! SCRAM!!!!! Move away and get out of this type of neighborhood setting!!! Go live in Alaska or something. Since it's the world's largest and frostiest trailer park, your resident Ice Queen will fit right in!!!! Nobody wants you living here!!!! If you're wondering who's been taking a dump in the coffee can on your front lawn that you use as an ashtray, everyone who lives near you takes turns.
Sincerely,
The autistic kid who's going to get his turn to shit in your stupid can tomorrow.

Police have refused to take action, as the letter states objective facts and does not constitute libel.

Bullying Brings Benefits for Enterprising Teen

Bizarro Business Bureau- When most people consider the phenomenon of cyber-bullying, most  people think back to the tragic news stories of friendships and lives lost through constant harassment through social media. As the digital age advances, bullies have kicked off a new trend that brings old-school bullying to the lawless online frontier.

Brent Ashcroft, 15, has been a bully for as long as he can remember.

"Typical story, really. Alcoholic father, hyper-religious mother. I found a source of empowerment in putting kids down," said Brent. "One day I was reading my digital edition of 'Bully's Digest' on my smartphone during study hall, and there was this story about old-school lunch money shakedowns. I was like, damn, there's a sweet racket!"

Things have changed since the golden era of bullying. Increased security has lead to armed safety officers patrolling the halls, and surveillance cameras can provide instant evidence in bullying claims. Zero tolerance measures have expanded to include all forms of violence instead of only shooting and bomb threats. As a result, criminal prosecution is a real possibility.

"The lunch money bit isn't shrugged off like it used to be," said Brent. "You could be looking at arrest over a couple bucks. There had to be a way to change the game, and that's where the Internet came in."

Brent's plan was fiendishly simple. First, he would use conventional bullying tactics to goad his prey into a state of submission to his will. Then, instead of demanding cash money in exchange for their continued welfare, he would direct the targets to visit a website he set up with a number of anti-bullying packages to choose from. For example:

-$2.00 purchases 3-days of no threats and intimidation.
-$5.00 purchases a week of peace
-$15.00 purchases a month of zero interaction with Brent.

A VIP package is also offered for $200. Purchasing this plan will grant you complete immunity from Brent's infamous beatdowns for an entire year. Since the revenue goes to a Paypal account rather than into his pocket, there's no evidence for school resource officers to find and no footage of paper currency being forcibly taken.

"These plans are backed up by my word, and that's all they need. If I'm not fulfilling my obligations, why would anyone keep purchasing my services?" Brent explained.

It's been six months since the innovative business was launched, and the revenue is already well into the thousands. Brent has since signed an agreement with two other bullies at his school, diversifying his products by offering immunity from the attention of specific bullies on an à la carte basis.

"If we play our cards right and continue to invest in competent business-savvy bullies, I'm willing to bet I can cover my tuition for college," said Brent, grinning. "College, man. I never would have dreamed about it before all this. And now my whole future's opened up, as long as business stays strong. And it goddamn well better, or I'll stomp your bitch ass. I've got a switchblade in my boot, too. Give me a reason to pull it out, asshole. I'll fucking end you."

Chicken Soup: Treachery, Tactics, and Tubes

North Korea Casts Tragic Missile

Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.

"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"

Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.

"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.

A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."

The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.

Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.

"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.

National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.

The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."

Teen Hears "Call of Duty"

Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.

Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.

"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."

Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.

"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."

As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.

"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."

Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.

"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."

His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.

"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."

Billionaire Boob's Tube

Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.

The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.

The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.

Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.

"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."

Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Thinning, Winning, and Learning

Man Loses Weight, Still Ugly

Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.

"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."

And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.

"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.

Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.

"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."

When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."

Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.

"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.

His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.

"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."

Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.

"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.

When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."

Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.

"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."

UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.

"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.

"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."

Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial

Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.

On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"

On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."

And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."

"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"

The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.

"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF!  How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"

Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.

"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."

And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.

"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."

New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age

Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.

After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".

Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.

"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."

In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.

"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"

"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"

This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.

If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!

If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil

And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!

So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!

"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"

Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.

"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"

"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.

Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!

Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*


*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).

Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: The Punishment, The Poems, and The Puppies

Teen Beaten Back to Life

Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.

Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.

"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."

By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.

"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."

Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.

For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.

Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.


Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"

Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"

Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.

"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."

The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.

"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."

Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.

"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."

The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers

Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.

"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.

The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.

"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"

Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.

"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."

For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:

Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster

That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers

"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."

But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.

The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.


NSA Puppy Parade

Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.

"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.

Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell

phone and not modified, they sometimes contain unobscured faces, license plates, and other information that could be used to facilitate identity theft.

"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"

Medal for Manning: Cover-up King

Bizarro Fort Meade, MD (BP)- Bradley Manning was awarded the Crying Bald Eagle Medal of Liberty today for his outstanding cover-up work for the Department of Defense. 

Colonel Denise Lind announced the findings of an internal review before a crowd of Manning's supporters.

"We find that Bradley Manning, an intelligence analyst for the United States Army, has consistently prevented damaging information from being made public. The prestigious decoration bestowed on Private First-Class Manning is a small gesture of our gratitude. Your nation thanks you, sir."

During the darkest days of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, journalists hounded infantrymen, pilots, and officers for the details of how American tax dollars were being spent and what progress was being made. Suddenly, the Abu Ghraib scandal exploded into the public consciousness.

"Our men and women serving in that prison were pioneers in the field of torture," said former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "They were truly masters of agony, sculptors of screaming flesh. We were extremely upset that we got caught."

As the sordid photos and stories began to dominate media coverage, journalists found themselves convinced that there was more skeletons in the Pentagon's closet. And they were right.

In the shadowy interior of the military intelligence nerve center, Private First-Class Bradley Manning was in the center of it all.

"We had a close call every other day," said Manning. "Reuters was acting all pissy because one of our Apaches turned some of their employees into giblets. And I'm like, 'If a lady doesn't want to get assaulted, she shouldn't dress like a slut. And if a reporter doesn't want to get shredded by depleted Uranium rounds, he shouldn't walk outside in Iraq.' It's easy to understand."

Pictured: Manning poses next to a still from a video civilian scum don't need to worry about

Exposure of war crimes, journalist executions, and casual child murder would have soured international relations. Even worse, leaks had the potential to expose powerful locals cooperating with American interests--an offense that both Al Qaeda and the Taliban punished with extreme severity.

Captain Angel Overgaard, the man responsible for cataloging Manning's achievements, spoke about his relief when he heard the list of collaborators was safe.

"We've got a lot of powerful warlords in the region that have been more than willing to work with us, for some reason. Private Manning pulled their asses from the fire; maybe literally."

In exchange for their continued safety, the warlords have promised to discontinue heroin production and disarm after terrorism is defeated.

"We love American!" said Sectarian Deathlord Ghufran "Blood Baron" Samara. "I am taking the night classes for accounting. When terrorism is defeated, we shall go get honest employment."

According to exciting new reports, terrorism is on the ropes thanks to the efforts of soldiers like Manning. The Pentagon issued a press release last week suggesting that it had compelling information about the whereabouts of Fort Terror--a hidden compound where all terrorism is manufactured. Current Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel hints that the rumors are true.

"We're confident that the American flag will soon fly over Fort Terror," said Hagel at a briefing in late May. "The world will surely see what we stand for when that happens."

As for Manning, the analyst has been reassigned to a senior consultant position in the War on Drugs.

"I've got a hell of a lot of work ahead of me," said Manning after the ceremony. "But nobody covers up atrocities like me. I hope my name becomes synonymous with the act someday."

Nefarious Villain Vandalizes Monument

Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- The Lincoln Memorial is closed today after a visitor noticed that its iconic statue had been defaced with green paint.

"We can't say with complete certainty at this time, but we believe this crime matches the M.O. of Doctor Pollock," said National Park Service spokeswoman Carol Johnson. "That's why we contacted the Justice League to investigate further."

Batman, the world's greatest detective, arrived first.

"There's little doubt in my mind that Doctor Pollock is behind this," said the caped crusader. Preliminary Batvision analysis indicates that the paint matches the previous works of Doctor Pollock on a molecular level.

The Tragedy of Doctor Pollock

Born to wealthy art dealers in 1971, a young Claude Louvre developed a fascination with the works of Jackson Pollock that soon transformed into obsession. For days on end, the young man would stare at Pollock's--convinced beyond all reason that they contained a code that could unlock the secrets of the universe.

"I am quite close to learning his forbidden language," wrote Claude in his infamous diary. "And when I do, I shall open the window to the past, present, and future of all creation. I will bring Pollock's renaissance to fruition!"

One tragic evening, when Claude was only 15, a group of ruthless art thieves burst into the Louvre Estate. Claude's parents were gunned down in front of him, their blood splashing against the walls of their private gallery. The young man hid until the assailants had left with their loot.

"I saw the blood on the wall," said Claude to a reporter. "It defined my future. I will not waver from its instructions."

Claude Louvre vanished from his foster home hours after he arrived, and was not seen again for nearly ten years. Then, a strange crime spree began in Bizarro Chicago. Museums were broken into, guards were assaulted, and paints were splattered on the walls and displays in a way that seemed random.

Random, of course, to everyone except Doctor Pollock--who identified himself with a YouTube video after defacing a number of dinosaur fossils with pink paint.. The Justice League was reluctant to get involved at first, due to the petty nature of Louvre's crimes. Then he splattered orange paint on Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

"Yeah," said Green Lantern after that incident. "Shit got real, then."

-------------------------------------------

As of now, the super heroes are still trying to determine the whereabouts of Doctor Pollock before he can strike again. Except for Aquaman, who was told that there were vital clues in the Washington Monument's reflection pool.

"I'm helping!" said the useless tool as he examined a crusty penny.

"That Makes Me Moist" Lady Dead at 92

Bizarro Post Meme Bureau: Helen Thomas, who brought joy to countless people online in her career as an image macro superstar, has died at the age of 92.

"I remember the first time I saw her perform," said imageboard enthusiast Eric Phailguy. "We were talking about new details of 'The Dark Knight', when the first screenshots of The Joker appeared. This guy posted her and I was like, 'Right-click, save as!'"

Little is known about the amorous elder prior to her debut online, though unconfirmed reports suggest she asked people questions--probably about "personal humidity". But when she hit the scene, the damp diva became a staple of image macro aficionados. Just as no toolkit is complete without a robust roll of duct tape, no reaction folder had reached its full potential until Helen arrived.

On behalf of the Bizarro Post, farewell my muggy madam. You've made us all moist today*.

*Our eyes. It's our eyes that are moist.

Dave Matthews Band Concert Barely Averted

Bizarro Hershey, PA (BP)- A community is sending their thanks to a woman who refused to give Dave Matthews a ride to his show after he became stranded while riding his bicycle.



Emily Kraus and her boyfriend were on their way to attend an event that was actually interesting when they saw a man walking his bicycle down the shoulder of the road.



“Instant douche-chills,” said Kruas. “There was this balding guy walking a bike along a busy road, forcing everyone that actually had somewhere to be to swerve around him. And then my boyfriend’s like, ‘Oh God, that’s Dave Matthews isn’t it?  Don’t make eye contact.’”



Emily had a better idea. She pulled to the side of the road, several yards away from the singer, and waited for him to approach.



“He was listening to something on his headphones, and the whole time he’s coming up to me he’s dancing and doing that scat-singing thing along with the music. Who even does that in public?”



The couple waited until Matthews was mere feet away from their car before speeding off, inciting the frontman to throw hackysacks at them as they pulled away.



The concert was cancelled, allowing dozens  of relieved Bizarro Hershey residents to avoid really awkward and boring dates they had planned with criminally bland people out of desperation or pity. Matthews was eventually found outside of a bus station singing for change. He did not have a cell phone, as Matthews believes the 4G signal disrupts his Chi energy (ughhhhhhhhhhh).



“He sounded like an Adam Sandler character,” said Officer Brick Punchstone, who found Matthews and returned him to his handlers. “His people actually asked if I could take him back to the bus station.