Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau- Millions flood the Capitol at gunpoint as America inaugurates President Joe Arpaio.
Arpaio rose from humble beginnings as the Sheriff of Maricopa County, where he presided over a massive jail with over 10,000 inmates. Most of them were waiting for trial, and had not been convicted of a crime. But Sheriff Joe realized that "innocent until proven guilty" is a concept promoted by liberal pussies and dangerous minorities. For years, Sheriff Joe righteously used his prisoners as his torture dolls. His devotion to justice was so great, he could often be seen rubbing his nipples in patriotic fervor while overseeing the torture of misdemeanor drug possessors and petty larceny aficionados.
Sheriff Joe won a landslide victory of President Barack Obama, even though Republican insiders were nervous about his tendency to flagrantly violate the Constitution. Further concerns were raised over his use of taxpayer dollars to buy a customized tank with his name on it so he had something to ride in parades (I'm fucking serious, look it up). But their fears were unfounded. The American public's lust for violent retribution against the pettiest of crimes allowed Arpaio to ride a giant American Justiceboner all the way to the Oval Office, where all portraits and busts have been replaced with art depicting Sheriff Joe's glory.
We salute Sheriff Joe as he prepares to enter the Joe House for his first term. The United Joes of Joemerica is a country born anew! No car will go unsearched! No door will go unkicked! No cavity will go unfingered!
Yours at gunpoint, this has been a Bizarro Post Alternative Reality Bureau special report!
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Peepers Peer at Politician's Pornography
Bizarro Post National Security Bureau- A recently leaked NSA document detailing plans to use pornography habits to discredit undesirable speech has politicians terrified; even those who previously supported the massive surveillance program that targets both allies and enemies.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
The revelation paved the way for the latest YouTube sensation, where Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) can be seen pouring vodka onto a burning laptop. "Come on, dammit! This isn't working like the movies at all!" the Speaker shouted as the flames kept sputtering out.
Even worse news for political bigshots: the Internet is delighting in trying to match up political titans with their classified profiles, which Snowden released with redacted identifying information. Speculation suggests that former Senator Ron Paul has searched for "king midas rule 34" hundreds of times. Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (R-TX) is said to have written hundreds of explicit "fanfiction" documents about Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.
In an emergency gathering of both congressional houses, political leaders vowed to obtain lists of the NSA officials' weird fetishes.
"If we're going down," Senator John McCain (R-AZ) shouted before thinking better of it. "Er--I mean, if we are going to be defamed, we want the ability to return the favor. It's that simple."
Political analysts cite this incident as further proof that all future elections will be won by whoever uploads the most flattering picture of their genitals to social media.
Monday, November 18, 2013
A Special Message From Your Insurance Company
Your Insurance Company is the company that currently provides your health insurance. They join us today to deliver a very special message to you, their valued customer.
Hello, you, our valued customer. It's me, your Insurance Company. How are you? Good? For your sake, I hope you stay that way, because I'm writing you today to cancel your coverage.
You see, we're not a charity. We're not here to be your friend, or save your beloved family members from cancer. Our only objective is to make as much money as we can from you and your stupid, sick family. And thanks to some top-notch lobbying, the Affordable Care Act is forcing you to not only buy our products, but to buy the shitty new versions we decided to make now that there's no need to entice new consumers. We're going to get rich as hell, and by all rights you should be kicking down our doors. Fortunately, you're still blaming Obama, so that's nice. Don't get us wrong! He played into our hands easily enough, under the pretense of compromise. But we're the ones who stand poised to receive the limitless torrent of money that's legally mandated to come our way. All he gets is shitty approval ratings. How's that for a healthcare exchange?
Some of you may have had your hours cut due to the changing requirements for large corporate entities. The excuse for that, of course, is that the company simply can't afford to pay for your insurance and continue giving you minimum wage on a full-time basis.
Hahaha, can you believe you suckers bought into that?
Every single top executive in these multi-national conglomerates can afford to snort buckets of cocaine off the wood of the True Cross. They can afford to paint the Abercrombie and Fitch Fall fashion line on the figures depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They can afford to carve "I'm lovin' it!" on the moon with lasers. And they sure as hell can afford to pay their employees, like, 40-grand a year with full medical and dental coverage. Only the tiniest fraction of their astronomical wealth would be required. But they sure as shit aren't going to part with their hard-bribed gains, and neither are we.
The bottom line is this: You don't live in your country. You live in OUR country. You'll pay any fee, endure any penalty, and endure any prosecution we decide to throw your way. We're King Shit of Turd Mountain. You're a pile of cold diarrhea drying on the sidewalk.
Maybe one day you'll decide enough is enough. Maybe one day you'll storm our gates with pitchforks and torches, seeking to oust us like the Russian royal family or some CIA-backed middle-eastern despot. But when the militarized police demonstrate their loyalty to us, I wonder who's going to pay to fish the rubber bullet out of your eye socket. My advice? Get a good insurance plan.
With Questionable Sincerity,
Your Insurance Company
Hello, you, our valued customer. It's me, your Insurance Company. How are you? Good? For your sake, I hope you stay that way, because I'm writing you today to cancel your coverage.
You see, we're not a charity. We're not here to be your friend, or save your beloved family members from cancer. Our only objective is to make as much money as we can from you and your stupid, sick family. And thanks to some top-notch lobbying, the Affordable Care Act is forcing you to not only buy our products, but to buy the shitty new versions we decided to make now that there's no need to entice new consumers. We're going to get rich as hell, and by all rights you should be kicking down our doors. Fortunately, you're still blaming Obama, so that's nice. Don't get us wrong! He played into our hands easily enough, under the pretense of compromise. But we're the ones who stand poised to receive the limitless torrent of money that's legally mandated to come our way. All he gets is shitty approval ratings. How's that for a healthcare exchange?
Some of you may have had your hours cut due to the changing requirements for large corporate entities. The excuse for that, of course, is that the company simply can't afford to pay for your insurance and continue giving you minimum wage on a full-time basis.
Hahaha, can you believe you suckers bought into that?
Every single top executive in these multi-national conglomerates can afford to snort buckets of cocaine off the wood of the True Cross. They can afford to paint the Abercrombie and Fitch Fall fashion line on the figures depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They can afford to carve "I'm lovin' it!" on the moon with lasers. And they sure as hell can afford to pay their employees, like, 40-grand a year with full medical and dental coverage. Only the tiniest fraction of their astronomical wealth would be required. But they sure as shit aren't going to part with their hard-bribed gains, and neither are we.
The bottom line is this: You don't live in your country. You live in OUR country. You'll pay any fee, endure any penalty, and endure any prosecution we decide to throw your way. We're King Shit of Turd Mountain. You're a pile of cold diarrhea drying on the sidewalk.
Maybe one day you'll decide enough is enough. Maybe one day you'll storm our gates with pitchforks and torches, seeking to oust us like the Russian royal family or some CIA-backed middle-eastern despot. But when the militarized police demonstrate their loyalty to us, I wonder who's going to pay to fish the rubber bullet out of your eye socket. My advice? Get a good insurance plan.
With Questionable Sincerity,
Your Insurance Company
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Cuccinelli Reveals Sultry Scandal
Bizarro Virginia (BP)- Just before the election that will select Virginia's next governor, shocking and scandalous revelations have come to light regarding Tea Party darling Ken Cuccinelli (R).
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
His voice breaking at times, an emotional Cuccinelli addressed the assembled press about his alleged indiscretions. To the surprise of many, especially the ardent and wealthy supporters of the Cuccinelli campaign, the staunch Christian fundamentalist came clean and bared his soul to the voters in a bid for forgiveness.
"This campaign has been difficult, but it brought my wife and I closer than I could have ever imagined," Cuccinelli began, dabbing sweat from his brow. "Last Sunday, soiling the sanctity of the Sabbath, my wife and I engaged in....intimate contact. And during this time, we did not use the sheet with the hole in it as God intended."
Murmurs in the press pool. "How often do you wash this sheet? How big is the hole? Could you show me with your thumb and index finger?" asked Richard Christie from Howard Stern's news crew.
Cuccinelli stammered back into his confession. "As my wife and I engaged in coitus, I am ashamed to admit that we may have kissed one another in places that God never intended. And my hand did stray to sinful and forbidden places. God will never forgive me for that eight minutes of hellish obscenity, but I hope the voters of Virginia can accept my apology."
Cuccinelli produced a whip and began to flay apart his shirt and flesh, sobbing openly. The peanut gallery quietly tiptoed from the room as the attorney general collapsed into a pool of blood, tears, and soft tissue.
"We're optimistic about our candidate's chances," said Cuccinelli campaign manager Arnold Foster. "We haven't even bothered writing a concession speech. There's no doubt that we've got this in the bag. The unskewed polls don't lie."
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Brace for Impact Presents: Republican Candidate Dean Young of Alabama
Bizarro Post's Brace for Impact series covers the ambitions and philosophies of fucking lunatics who will soon have more power and money than you could ever imagine.
When asked about a country beyond the United States that he admired, Tea Partier Dean Young punted. "I'm not a big world traveler, so I don't know," he replied, making it incredibly clear that his understanding of foreign policy began and ended with elementary school civics courses. Political insiders are hoping that this will prevent him from causing any international incidents in the likely event that he is elected.
One obstacle to his status within the Tea Party hierarchy is his stance on Saudi Arabia. Career politician Bradley Byrne was quick to give the Islamic theocracy a swift kick to the balls, which always plays well to the Tea Party crowd. Young, on the other hand, stated that we should engage in "free trade" with them. While he is technically correct that Saudi oil is a cornerstone of America's economy, his failure to assert cultural supremacy afterwards may not fly with the tri-cornered hat crowd. It seems that he's either ignorant about what Saudi Arabia's primary exports are, or he has no idea what their cultural topography is. Being clueless about Uzbekistan and the like is a plus, because it's fairly inconsequential. But the Tea Party has a shit list, Young, and you'd do well to know who's on it.
Another potential issue is Young's response on homosexuality.
"When you start talking about that, I don't even know...Homosexuality is wrong, and that is just the way it is. Always has been, always will be."
Analyzing that statement yields some troubling clues about the political future of this rookie Tea Partier. His first sentence betrays feelings of uncertainty, perhaps even fear. He's looking inward, and something he finds provokes an entire ellipses worth of silence. When Young finally does issue a condemnation of homosexuality, he does so in a way that includes redundancies. It sounds more like a mantra he chants every time his eyes stray towards an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. This answer will satisfy his people, of course, but this guy's been hanging around in the closet like David Carradine in Thailand. Probably wearing the same thing, too. And how long is it going to be before some inquisitive maid from The New York Times or TMZ spills the beans?
Young, however, has the good sense to get back on course when things get tense. When asked where Barack Obama was born, Young offers a single word.
"Kenya."
Well, I've got one word for you, Mr. Young: Bravo!
With a rookie statesman, it's natural to expect a few mistakes. But with time, Young can refine his skills in the fine art of xenophobia and the complex process of concealing latent homosexuality.
Brace for impact, America. Dean Young could be the next big thing in clueless, all-powerful political titans.
When asked about a country beyond the United States that he admired, Tea Partier Dean Young punted. "I'm not a big world traveler, so I don't know," he replied, making it incredibly clear that his understanding of foreign policy began and ended with elementary school civics courses. Political insiders are hoping that this will prevent him from causing any international incidents in the likely event that he is elected.
One obstacle to his status within the Tea Party hierarchy is his stance on Saudi Arabia. Career politician Bradley Byrne was quick to give the Islamic theocracy a swift kick to the balls, which always plays well to the Tea Party crowd. Young, on the other hand, stated that we should engage in "free trade" with them. While he is technically correct that Saudi oil is a cornerstone of America's economy, his failure to assert cultural supremacy afterwards may not fly with the tri-cornered hat crowd. It seems that he's either ignorant about what Saudi Arabia's primary exports are, or he has no idea what their cultural topography is. Being clueless about Uzbekistan and the like is a plus, because it's fairly inconsequential. But the Tea Party has a shit list, Young, and you'd do well to know who's on it.
Another potential issue is Young's response on homosexuality.
"When you start talking about that, I don't even know...Homosexuality is wrong, and that is just the way it is. Always has been, always will be."
Analyzing that statement yields some troubling clues about the political future of this rookie Tea Partier. His first sentence betrays feelings of uncertainty, perhaps even fear. He's looking inward, and something he finds provokes an entire ellipses worth of silence. When Young finally does issue a condemnation of homosexuality, he does so in a way that includes redundancies. It sounds more like a mantra he chants every time his eyes stray towards an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. This answer will satisfy his people, of course, but this guy's been hanging around in the closet like David Carradine in Thailand. Probably wearing the same thing, too. And how long is it going to be before some inquisitive maid from The New York Times or TMZ spills the beans?
Young, however, has the good sense to get back on course when things get tense. When asked where Barack Obama was born, Young offers a single word.
"Kenya."
Well, I've got one word for you, Mr. Young: Bravo!
With a rookie statesman, it's natural to expect a few mistakes. But with time, Young can refine his skills in the fine art of xenophobia and the complex process of concealing latent homosexuality.
Brace for impact, America. Dean Young could be the next big thing in clueless, all-powerful political titans.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Editorial: A Special Message from Lindsey Graham
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who is not gay, writes in objection to President Obama appointing anyone to any position as long as the truth about a vital incident remains hidden by the administration. Have I mentioned that Senator Graham is not gay? Because he really isn't. Damn, he does have some really nice eyes, though.
My Fellow Americans,
It is a privilege to serve the great state of South Carolina, and the United States of America. During this tumultuous time in our nation's Capitol, it can be easy to lose sight of the most pressing issues facing Americans today. I write, America, in the hopes of refocusing our public discourse on the most important topic of our time.
Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi .Benghazi, benghazi benghazi. Benghazi! Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi, and benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi.
"Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi," said Benghazi in Benghazi.
Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi; benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi . Benghazi-- benghazi benghazi benghazi-- benghazi benghazi . Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi ( benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi ) benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi?
Yours in Benghazi,
Senator Lindsey Graham.
My Fellow Americans,
It is a privilege to serve the great state of South Carolina, and the United States of America. During this tumultuous time in our nation's Capitol, it can be easy to lose sight of the most pressing issues facing Americans today. I write, America, in the hopes of refocusing our public discourse on the most important topic of our time.
Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi .Benghazi, benghazi benghazi. Benghazi! Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi, and benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi.
"Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi," said Benghazi in Benghazi.
Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi; benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi . Benghazi-- benghazi benghazi benghazi-- benghazi benghazi . Benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi ( benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi ) benghazi benghazi benghazi benghazi?
Yours in Benghazi,
Senator Lindsey Graham.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Editorial: Sodd Tarnes Unmasks a Commie Conspiracy
Sodd Tarnes is a professionally outraged pundit that frequents Christian Broadcast News and Fox News. His accomplishments include being really, really fat at one point and is deeply concerned about white people losing beauty pageants, but he's definitely not racist because I think he might have a black friend somewhere.
Soldiers attending a pre-deployment briefing at Fort Hood were told that Afghanistan wasn't what most Americans think. In fact, it was a training run to prepare American troops to throw evangelical Christians and members of the Tea Party into FEMA labor camps. And if there were any Christians to be found among the goosestepping Obamanazis? They'd be headed for the camps too.
A soldier who attended the October 17th briefing emailed me and identified himself as Lance Corporal Ura Fagot from the 4th Chan Battalion. According to this brave and honorable Fagot, the intelligence agent in charge of the meeting arrived at the meeting wearing a swastika armband, a banana hammock, and a pair of nipple rings. For half an hour, this agent of the Satanic New World Order condemned Tea Party Patriots and Evangelicals as subversives who had to be stopped. Ordinarily, I disregard emails sent from encrypted, anonymous accounts. But when I saw it came from a soldier, I knew that every word was authentic. To distrust a soldier is to spit in the face of every brave patriot who has served our country.
Attorneys with the Liberty Institute of Freedomy Justice have taken up the case of this brave whistleblower, though thus far he has only sent them photos of a crudely drawn smirking face. We're sure Corporal Fagot will rectify this technical issue soon.
"The American public should be outraged that the U.S. Army is leading a crusade against true American patriots," said LIFJ attorney Mitch Barry, a former Marine who would never forsake his sense of duty and justice for large payoffs from 501 C3's.
This Fagot told me he's terrified of being thrown into the Socialist Re-education Bunker beneath the streets of Chicago, but his "Ameri-boner" would not allow him to stand idly by and allow this injustice.
Another soldier who attended the briefing, by some strange coincidence, contacted me about the incident soon afterward. Private Rusty Shackelford insisted that as an evangelical Christian himself, he always carried "pocketsand" to protect himself from Obama's jackbooted thugs.
"This nation is dominated by the 'PC' police, who want us to have a seat over there in the partyvan," said Shackelford. "Real Amerifats have to take off every Zig, for great justice!" he continued, using some charming military lingo.
Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council for Familial Families, insists that the Pentagon is on a Atheist crusade to destroy Christianity. Or he would have, if the cognitive dissonance between troop worship and Pentagon hatred hadn't caused a massive stroke. Dun wrry beddy! it hpprns to theeee bessttt f us.
An Army spokesman at the Pentagon insists that there is no list of organizations that the military considers to be extremist.
"We're not entirely sure what you're talking about. And we definitely don't have any personnel at Fort Hood with those names. Now for the last time, you fucking lunatic, stop calling my house," said Ron Weisenheimer, public affairs director at Fort Hood.
I sent the public affairs officer a list of loaded questions and drawings of the Earth soaked in the blood of sinners, but all I received was an arrest warrant in response.
Who will answer for these crimes against freedom? Who will serve as an ambassador for We the People? My friends, as I sit in my jail smell smeared with my own feces, I plan to send a strong message to the Communists running the American government that true Americans will not relent until we are given the respect and autocratic authority we deserve! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only legitimate entitlement there is.
Soldiers attending a pre-deployment briefing at Fort Hood were told that Afghanistan wasn't what most Americans think. In fact, it was a training run to prepare American troops to throw evangelical Christians and members of the Tea Party into FEMA labor camps. And if there were any Christians to be found among the goosestepping Obamanazis? They'd be headed for the camps too.
A soldier who attended the October 17th briefing emailed me and identified himself as Lance Corporal Ura Fagot from the 4th Chan Battalion. According to this brave and honorable Fagot, the intelligence agent in charge of the meeting arrived at the meeting wearing a swastika armband, a banana hammock, and a pair of nipple rings. For half an hour, this agent of the Satanic New World Order condemned Tea Party Patriots and Evangelicals as subversives who had to be stopped. Ordinarily, I disregard emails sent from encrypted, anonymous accounts. But when I saw it came from a soldier, I knew that every word was authentic. To distrust a soldier is to spit in the face of every brave patriot who has served our country.
Attorneys with the Liberty Institute of Freedomy Justice have taken up the case of this brave whistleblower, though thus far he has only sent them photos of a crudely drawn smirking face. We're sure Corporal Fagot will rectify this technical issue soon.
"The American public should be outraged that the U.S. Army is leading a crusade against true American patriots," said LIFJ attorney Mitch Barry, a former Marine who would never forsake his sense of duty and justice for large payoffs from 501 C3's.
This Fagot told me he's terrified of being thrown into the Socialist Re-education Bunker beneath the streets of Chicago, but his "Ameri-boner" would not allow him to stand idly by and allow this injustice.
Another soldier who attended the briefing, by some strange coincidence, contacted me about the incident soon afterward. Private Rusty Shackelford insisted that as an evangelical Christian himself, he always carried "pocketsand" to protect himself from Obama's jackbooted thugs.
"This nation is dominated by the 'PC' police, who want us to have a seat over there in the partyvan," said Shackelford. "Real Amerifats have to take off every Zig, for great justice!" he continued, using some charming military lingo.
Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council for Familial Families, insists that the Pentagon is on a Atheist crusade to destroy Christianity. Or he would have, if the cognitive dissonance between troop worship and Pentagon hatred hadn't caused a massive stroke. Dun wrry beddy! it hpprns to theeee bessttt f us.
An Army spokesman at the Pentagon insists that there is no list of organizations that the military considers to be extremist.
"We're not entirely sure what you're talking about. And we definitely don't have any personnel at Fort Hood with those names. Now for the last time, you fucking lunatic, stop calling my house," said Ron Weisenheimer, public affairs director at Fort Hood.
I sent the public affairs officer a list of loaded questions and drawings of the Earth soaked in the blood of sinners, but all I received was an arrest warrant in response.
Who will answer for these crimes against freedom? Who will serve as an ambassador for We the People? My friends, as I sit in my jail smell smeared with my own feces, I plan to send a strong message to the Communists running the American government that true Americans will not relent until we are given the respect and autocratic authority we deserve! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only legitimate entitlement there is.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Welcome, Karmel. To the Machine.
Bizarro Post Propaganda Bureau- On behalf of propagandists across the United States, I would like to extend a warm welcome to Karmel Allison as we place her into our noise machine's vast repertoire of heavily distorted non-events.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Editorial: Walking Dead? More Like....Tax....Instead!
Dr. Handy Twinerlegs is a practicing OBGYN who for some reason is apparently supposed to have credible opinions about sociology (and can we just acknowledge that the concept of male gynecologists is just.....you know, I really don't want to paint the entire profession with a broad brush, but you have to believe that there's at least one guy out there just in it for.....you know what? Nevermind.).
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
CSPAN Slims Down
Bizarro Post Political Media Bureau- As a measure to save money, CSPAN has reduced its call-in program to one phone line.
The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.
"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."
The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.
"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"
CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.
Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.
"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"
The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.
"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."
The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.
"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"
CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.
Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.
"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Vatican Plan an "Exorcise" in Futility
Bizarro Post Political Bureau- Security officials are leveling stern accusations at the Vatican today after an apparent sleeper agent charged the microphone just after the House passed the bill that would reopen the government.
"You go against God! You cannot serve two masters! Praise be to God, the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise forever!" House stenographer Dianne Reidy shrieked into the microphone, flinging holy water from her fingertips. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
Representatives were seen hissing and recoiling as if in terrible agony when the droplets of anointed agua struck their bare flesh. Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich.) attempted to projectile vomit on the woman as she cried out her invocations.
"You shall not defy the New Flesh!" growled Speaker John Boehner. "All hail the Lord of Worms!"
Order was restored as Reidy was lead away from the podium and detained while America and the Vatican worked out the awkward diplomatic dynamics of returning their operative.
"We have done what we can do," muttered a resigned Pope Francis. "I wish that we had succeeded. But it seems the time of The Beast's reign is too close to avert."
"You go against God! You cannot serve two masters! Praise be to God, the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise forever!" House stenographer Dianne Reidy shrieked into the microphone, flinging holy water from her fingertips. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
Representatives were seen hissing and recoiling as if in terrible agony when the droplets of anointed agua struck their bare flesh. Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich.) attempted to projectile vomit on the woman as she cried out her invocations.
"You shall not defy the New Flesh!" growled Speaker John Boehner. "All hail the Lord of Worms!"
Order was restored as Reidy was lead away from the podium and detained while America and the Vatican worked out the awkward diplomatic dynamics of returning their operative.
"We have done what we can do," muttered a resigned Pope Francis. "I wish that we had succeeded. But it seems the time of The Beast's reign is too close to avert."
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bizarro Bites: Shutdown Shenanigans
Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Self-Centered Centrists Soar in Polls
Bizarro Post Political Bureau- A study has revealed that 51% of Americans self-identify as "centrists", or people that claim not to have any political inclinations either way. In a subsequent study produced by The Bizarro Post, 98%* or that 51% are either self-important douches or irredeemably ignorant and gullible tools (*Margin of error +/-2).
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
Grassroots Grows Out of Control
Bizarro Post Political Activism Bureau- When Fred Harden, 46, sought to start a grassroots political organization, he thought it was going to be a simple, empowering affair.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bizarro Guests: Check THIS Privilege!
Bizarro Post Edgy Libertarian Bureau- What do you suggest I do about my privilege, you bottom-feeding degenerates?
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Editorial: Blue Collar, Red Eyeballs
Brian Lester is a longshoreman with a BA in Patriotism from the Glenn Beck Online School of Liberty. He maintains a website listing every instance of bare breasts in National Geographic, including the articles with mammogram slides because they technically count.
I dont hate Obomba all that much. He just dissepoints me more than anything. See hes supposed to be the commander in chief but hes the divider in chief instead! as I am a person who believes in the supremacy of the european american, he has failed to make me like him as a person. as I am a staunch evangelical conservative, he has failed to be a republican, which would make me like him a little more because he could be my colored friend and one of the good ones like herman caine. in washington, he has failed to be a republican, which would unite both of the parties together to get washington working again.
My smartass nephews try to tell me on Facebook that Ozero cant stop the house and senate from feuding over a budget resolution. They say that "your wrong because the bi-caramel legislative branch must approve on a budget before the president can even sign it!" I dont know what kind of freaky deaky shit kids are into these days, but Im pretty sure bisexual candy has nothing to do with how MY TAX DOLLARS are spent thank you very much!
As for me I know that the answer is in the middle. Both the Republicans and the Democraps are at fault here and if the Dems would just agree to get rid of that OFAILUREFARTCARE we could all go on about are business.
Last but not lease, I dont want my money going to pay for stuff that other people use. The free market has always done good by me and as far as Im concerned its the solution to this whole mess! If we just let the free market work that goddamn zionist bank would stop threatening me about my mortgage and the power coop would stop cutting off my electric and comcast would stop saying their going to cancel my internets because i keep getting their servers subpenad by the secret service.
thats my peace of mind anyway. let me know if youall agree!
~~~semper fi free til i die~~~
I dont hate Obomba all that much. He just dissepoints me more than anything. See hes supposed to be the commander in chief but hes the divider in chief instead! as I am a person who believes in the supremacy of the european american, he has failed to make me like him as a person. as I am a staunch evangelical conservative, he has failed to be a republican, which would make me like him a little more because he could be my colored friend and one of the good ones like herman caine. in washington, he has failed to be a republican, which would unite both of the parties together to get washington working again.
My smartass nephews try to tell me on Facebook that Ozero cant stop the house and senate from feuding over a budget resolution. They say that "your wrong because the bi-caramel legislative branch must approve on a budget before the president can even sign it!" I dont know what kind of freaky deaky shit kids are into these days, but Im pretty sure bisexual candy has nothing to do with how MY TAX DOLLARS are spent thank you very much!
As for me I know that the answer is in the middle. Both the Republicans and the Democraps are at fault here and if the Dems would just agree to get rid of that OFAILUREFARTCARE we could all go on about are business.
Last but not lease, I dont want my money going to pay for stuff that other people use. The free market has always done good by me and as far as Im concerned its the solution to this whole mess! If we just let the free market work that goddamn zionist bank would stop threatening me about my mortgage and the power coop would stop cutting off my electric and comcast would stop saying their going to cancel my internets because i keep getting their servers subpenad by the secret service.
thats my peace of mind anyway. let me know if youall agree!
~~~semper fi free til i die~~~
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Dire Distraction From Hidden Attraction
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- The government might be limping along with a skeleton crew, but the rent boy industry is booming near the capitol.
"It's just beyond awesome! My tuition is as good as paid if this goes on for a couple more days!" said male escort Rocky Handstrong.
Now that the media's attention is constantly demanded by the worsening political and financial crisis gripping the federal government, the only publications dedicating staff to catching Republican political figures having sweaty, meth-fueled man orgies are the ones that feature interviews with "highly influential" indie bands nobody that has ever heard of.
"We've dismissed all of our young, supple pages and interns because they're non-essential personnel," said a conservative Congressman who did not wish to be identified. "But the local callboys have really stepped up to--pardon the innuendo--fill the gap. It's always a joy to support American industry as well!"
"It's just beyond awesome! My tuition is as good as paid if this goes on for a couple more days!" said male escort Rocky Handstrong.
Now that the media's attention is constantly demanded by the worsening political and financial crisis gripping the federal government, the only publications dedicating staff to catching Republican political figures having sweaty, meth-fueled man orgies are the ones that feature interviews with "highly influential" indie bands nobody that has ever heard of.
"We've dismissed all of our young, supple pages and interns because they're non-essential personnel," said a conservative Congressman who did not wish to be identified. "But the local callboys have really stepped up to--pardon the innuendo--fill the gap. It's always a joy to support American industry as well!"
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Lockdown Brings Potential Propaganda Points
Editor's Note: The following article has been written in such a way that we don't trigger P...R....I....S....M. Apparently they've grown tired of flagging us, and have made many thinly veiled threats involving "vigorous cavity searches" if we don't stop distracting them from their 4chan monitoring project.
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- After a woman rammed her car into a barrier protecting the house that is the same color as snow and most of Congress, police were lead on a high speed chase that ended in...boomy projectile flinger use. Now that the suspect is deceased and the area has been secured, America is holding its breath as it waits to see who will win a free talking point.
"I think it's a [Lipton's Brisk Iced ______] Party member," said a Jan Watson, a barista working near the scene. "This could be something awesome to bludgeon them with."
No mater what their allegiance, most tend to agree that they'd rather not have this be the result of a Schizophrenic episode yet again.
"It's so boring," groaned reporter Sharon Bartlett. "There's no mileage with isolated incidents involving mental disorders. You can make some noise about needing legal reform involving the mentally ill and [boomsticks], but that's about it."
The media's most dire fears are starting to seem more plausible, as authorities responding to the scene have confirmed the incident is isolated and that the suspect has no ties to scary-ism.
Some, like Americans for Freedomy Freedom publicist Chris Garland are still holding out hope. "We've been waiting for a [not-law-following] act by an Occupy goon for awhile now, and I've got a good feeling about this one. In fact, we already started spreading the talking point on Twitter."
No matter who goes home with the Heavyweight Blame-Belt, the [Head of the Executive Branch], the [Elected delegates currently in contention], and the citizens of our nation's capitol are safe thanks to the fast and decisive response of DC Police and the [Victoria's _________] Service.
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- After a woman rammed her car into a barrier protecting the house that is the same color as snow and most of Congress, police were lead on a high speed chase that ended in...boomy projectile flinger use. Now that the suspect is deceased and the area has been secured, America is holding its breath as it waits to see who will win a free talking point.
"I think it's a [Lipton's Brisk Iced ______] Party member," said a Jan Watson, a barista working near the scene. "This could be something awesome to bludgeon them with."
No mater what their allegiance, most tend to agree that they'd rather not have this be the result of a Schizophrenic episode yet again.
"It's so boring," groaned reporter Sharon Bartlett. "There's no mileage with isolated incidents involving mental disorders. You can make some noise about needing legal reform involving the mentally ill and [boomsticks], but that's about it."
The media's most dire fears are starting to seem more plausible, as authorities responding to the scene have confirmed the incident is isolated and that the suspect has no ties to scary-ism.
Some, like Americans for Freedomy Freedom publicist Chris Garland are still holding out hope. "We've been waiting for a [not-law-following] act by an Occupy goon for awhile now, and I've got a good feeling about this one. In fact, we already started spreading the talking point on Twitter."
No matter who goes home with the Heavyweight Blame-Belt, the [Head of the Executive Branch], the [Elected delegates currently in contention], and the citizens of our nation's capitol are safe thanks to the fast and decisive response of DC Police and the [Victoria's _________] Service.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Government Shutdown: The List
Bizarro Post Clarity Bureau- The government shut down is a confusing subject for many Americans. Does it mean that all laws have been suspended? According to my lawyer and the police officer who dragged me from the burning helicopter I stole to avoid the SWAT vans pursuing me, not at all. Does it mean that politicians can't fundraise using elegant dinner parties? No! Though hijacking a septic tank truck and spraying the interior of their convention center before stealing a helicopter tends to dampen the charitable spirit of attendees.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Voice of the Bizarro People: Government Shutdown
Bizarro Post Public Policy Bureau- If there's one thing we enjoy at the Bizarro Post, it's soliciting the opinions of the general public on complex political skirmishes involving arcane bureaucratic rituals. Mostly because the stunning ignorance of the general public makes us feel so good about our terrible lives.
Today's Topic: Who's to blame for the upcoming government shutdown?
Rich Greenfield- I blame both sides equally. I don't, really, but I say that to women to appear as though I'm not prone to explosive rage over political arguments. Plus, it makes me look wise and level-headed even though it's an intellectually bankrupt stance. In reality, I have a massive stockpile of Chinese ammunition in a fire safe hidden in my crawl space. I also filed my high school class ring's gemstone to a point in anticipation of the day when I finally give the scumbags ruining America a four-knuckle salute to the eye.
Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson- The Jews.
Ron Paul- The Jews.
Jessie Ussery- So they're laying off non-essential personnel, why did they hire them in the first place? I'm an assistant third-shift janitor at Piggly Wiggly, and I see people there every day that can be replaced in a second. Hire who you have to, and not a single person more.
Rachel Ozman: If the Affordable Care Act is so good, why is there such a big fight over it? It stands to reason that a good bill would be supported by everyone, right? Like with desegregation. They like, passed a bill to stop that and everyone was like, 'Duh, why didn't we do this earlier?'
Kayla Olbermann: ALL OF THEM! I don't read nothing with political stuff, so it's just easier to get mad at everyone and call it a day. Who has time to watch Schoolhouse Rock videos when a 13-year-old invented a new dance on YouTube?
Eric Walkowski: It's all because of tax and spend Democrats. When Reagan (pbuh) was in the White House, did he collect taxes and spend federal revenue!? Hell no! Did the founding father's do it? No way! They knew taxation was slavery, and the only slavery I support is the kind that involves Madame Cruella's House of Pain on 3rd Street behind the strip mall. The IRS should look into safewords too.
Pamela Meed: CUT THEIR SALARIES!!! They live paycheck to paycheck like we do, but if they're not working, they should struggle like we do when we're fired for gross incompetence and threatening to sue customers.
Ron Dorner: Blame the people that won't fire them! They for WE THE PEOPLE, and we have the power to kick them out if we don't like the job they're doing. Don't believe me? I sent Bill Clinton a citizen's pink slip in January of 2001. and suddenly George W. Bush was president.
Aaron Wachowski: Affordable healthcare=Someone else pays the bill. People need to stop stealing from insurance companies by forcing them to pay for your procedures. I swear to God, people think because they pay premiums they're ENTITLED to have their medical bills paid for.
James Waters: So let's get this straight. The last time the government shut down was under DEMOCRAT Bill Clinton, and now it's going to shut down under DEMOCRAT Barack Obama. How are the Republicans responsible for this again? No, I'm actually asking. I don't know how checks and balances work and politics is basically a team sport to me.
Nichole Harden: Slavery was a law too once! Now I know the pain that black people suffered when slavery was still happening! Word to my soul brothers from other mothers!
Wendy Bowers: I'm so sick of Congress not getting anything done! I demand action from the right now! Fire them all right now and schedule special elections a few months from now!
Tim Sawyer: President Obama, Democrats, Republicans, and Mossad. In that order.
Dianne Walden: Blame? I'm glad they're shutting down! What the hell does the government do right these days? Who needs them!? Oh god, my Digornos supreme! I completely forgot. Jesus, my kitchen is on fire! Call someone that can put this out! Does anyone know a if the Geek Squad does this sort of thing!?
Jewel Smith: Obamacare is going to destroy the whole healthcare system....and it's gong to make insurance bad with not goodness....and there's a fine tax because of Supreme Court cloture votes.
Brad Morrison: I am a single dad and I know for a fact I can't budget Obama care. When my son gets hurt I just take him to the ER and ignore the bills until they stop. Now I have to pay somebody!? That's socialism!!!
Christopher Benson: I work in a pharmaceutical company, so I kind of know what I'm talking about here. Obamacare is going to force us to abuse patents, create artificial shortages, and cover up side-effects just to make ends meet. None of that would have happened without Obamacare.
Today's Topic: Who's to blame for the upcoming government shutdown?
Rich Greenfield- I blame both sides equally. I don't, really, but I say that to women to appear as though I'm not prone to explosive rage over political arguments. Plus, it makes me look wise and level-headed even though it's an intellectually bankrupt stance. In reality, I have a massive stockpile of Chinese ammunition in a fire safe hidden in my crawl space. I also filed my high school class ring's gemstone to a point in anticipation of the day when I finally give the scumbags ruining America a four-knuckle salute to the eye.
Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson- The Jews.
Ron Paul- The Jews.
Jessie Ussery- So they're laying off non-essential personnel, why did they hire them in the first place? I'm an assistant third-shift janitor at Piggly Wiggly, and I see people there every day that can be replaced in a second. Hire who you have to, and not a single person more.
Rachel Ozman: If the Affordable Care Act is so good, why is there such a big fight over it? It stands to reason that a good bill would be supported by everyone, right? Like with desegregation. They like, passed a bill to stop that and everyone was like, 'Duh, why didn't we do this earlier?'
Kayla Olbermann: ALL OF THEM! I don't read nothing with political stuff, so it's just easier to get mad at everyone and call it a day. Who has time to watch Schoolhouse Rock videos when a 13-year-old invented a new dance on YouTube?
Eric Walkowski: It's all because of tax and spend Democrats. When Reagan (pbuh) was in the White House, did he collect taxes and spend federal revenue!? Hell no! Did the founding father's do it? No way! They knew taxation was slavery, and the only slavery I support is the kind that involves Madame Cruella's House of Pain on 3rd Street behind the strip mall. The IRS should look into safewords too.
Pamela Meed: CUT THEIR SALARIES!!! They live paycheck to paycheck like we do, but if they're not working, they should struggle like we do when we're fired for gross incompetence and threatening to sue customers.
Ron Dorner: Blame the people that won't fire them! They for WE THE PEOPLE, and we have the power to kick them out if we don't like the job they're doing. Don't believe me? I sent Bill Clinton a citizen's pink slip in January of 2001. and suddenly George W. Bush was president.
Aaron Wachowski: Affordable healthcare=Someone else pays the bill. People need to stop stealing from insurance companies by forcing them to pay for your procedures. I swear to God, people think because they pay premiums they're ENTITLED to have their medical bills paid for.
James Waters: So let's get this straight. The last time the government shut down was under DEMOCRAT Bill Clinton, and now it's going to shut down under DEMOCRAT Barack Obama. How are the Republicans responsible for this again? No, I'm actually asking. I don't know how checks and balances work and politics is basically a team sport to me.
Nichole Harden: Slavery was a law too once! Now I know the pain that black people suffered when slavery was still happening! Word to my soul brothers from other mothers!
Wendy Bowers: I'm so sick of Congress not getting anything done! I demand action from the right now! Fire them all right now and schedule special elections a few months from now!
Tim Sawyer: President Obama, Democrats, Republicans, and Mossad. In that order.
Dianne Walden: Blame? I'm glad they're shutting down! What the hell does the government do right these days? Who needs them!? Oh god, my Digornos supreme! I completely forgot. Jesus, my kitchen is on fire! Call someone that can put this out! Does anyone know a if the Geek Squad does this sort of thing!?
Jewel Smith: Obamacare is going to destroy the whole healthcare system....and it's gong to make insurance bad with not goodness....and there's a fine tax because of Supreme Court cloture votes.
Brad Morrison: I am a single dad and I know for a fact I can't budget Obama care. When my son gets hurt I just take him to the ER and ignore the bills until they stop. Now I have to pay somebody!? That's socialism!!!
Christopher Benson: I work in a pharmaceutical company, so I kind of know what I'm talking about here. Obamacare is going to force us to abuse patents, create artificial shortages, and cover up side-effects just to make ends meet. None of that would have happened without Obamacare.
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