The Hidden War on Freaks and Geeks

Bizarro Post Preventative Measures Bureau- President Obama and top Pentagon officials have announced an ambitious plan to stop spontaneous acts of violence from America's most troubled young men.

In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.

Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.

Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.

Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.

While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.

"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"

With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.