Bizarro Post Obituaries: Actor Paul Walker, 40, died in a car crash in Santa Clarita, CA on Saturday. Walker is best known for his lead role in the wildly successful "Fast and the Furious" series, which left such an indelible footprint in American culture that the Department of Justice decided to name their Mexican gun charity program after it. He is survived by his daughter, Meadow.
There. That's all you jackasses had to write. It was really that simple. Yet somehow I ended up having to fire no less than fifteen editors for writing things like: "Police say that Walker was driving with excessive speed and ferocity, which contributed to his loss of control."
A man died. A father died.
"Oh boss! I couldn't resist! It was just too perfect!"
No, idiot, it's low-hanging fruit that spits in the face of journalistic integrity. And I swear to God on His golden throne, if I hear one more of you assholes misuse the word "ironic" I'm going to do things to you that will be unanimously condemned by the United Nations. Yes, that includes America and Israel., This is a coincidence, not irony. Goddamn Alanis Morrisette for what she's done to our society.
I'm disgusted by all of you. Do yourself a favor and avoid me for a few days.
Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entertainment. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Bizarro Insider: Check out this Script from NBC's "The Blacklist"
Bizarro Post Television Bureau- We've got a sneak peek from behind the scenes at NBC's The Blacklist. Take a gander at our exclusive access to this actual script!
INT. DC METRO TUNNEL
AGENT KEEN stands with AGENT McWACKY and AGENT ANGRYPANTS on a subway platform with about six beat cops wandering around photographing things. The platform is lit by portable lamps provided by the police, but the focal point of the scene is the interior of the subway train--which casts a blue glow over an assortment of tangled bodies.
KEEN: Good God, what happened here?
McWACKY: I've never liked the subway, but it looks like these guys had a gas.
KEEN: What?
McWACKY: You see, they breathed poison vapor from that giant metal suitcase that a very conspicuous man that we got on camera in full HD left on the subway, and they died horribly. That's the joke.
ANGRYPANTS: This is no time for joking. I'm going to get the son of a bitch who did this. And then I'm going to drink to celebrate. And if I don't catch him, I'll drink anyway.
AGENT KEEN's completely unsecured cellphone rings. International super-criminal RED REDDINGTON, who refused to speak over traceable cell phone lines just two episodes ago, is on the other end.
RED: So, Agent Keene. What do you make of this particular Blacklister?
KEEN: He's one sick bastard. Although I'm confused about one thing. See, there was an act of mass murder using a biological agent on a major public transportation service, but there are only six cops here. We're treating this like a hooker got strangled. You'd expect a shitstorm of media and alphabet soup types running around here.
RED: Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?
KEEN: So it's all a part of a conspiracy. Dear God...
RED: No, no. There's actually no conspiracy here. The writers are high school freshmen from Creative Writing 101. Cheaper than the union types, but goddamn are they stupid.
KEEN: Is that why nobody is ever going to mention the surveillance footage of the suspect, or the fact that he used to be a government operative so our covert black site should already have tons of information on him, or the fact that he has civilian contacts who know his name, face and field of expertise? Or that he literally had a child with someone? All of this despite the fact that he's on your Blacklist, which is supposed to be guys that have completely gone off of the grid?
RED: I've said too much. Good luck, daught....I mean, Agent Keen.
AGENT KEEN hangs up and turns to her colleagues.
McWACKY: He still thinks that you being his daughter is going to be a shocking twist, huh?
KEEN: Yep. So what have we got to go on here?
ANGRYPANTS: Besides the obvious evidence that would lead us right to our man? Nothing, except one witness. She'll be at the courthouse to testify to what she saw even though that makes no sense because nobody has been arrested yet. There's no reason at all she couldn't giver her witness statement in a police precinct under the protection of many armed officers.
KEEN: Cool. I want her placed in a conspicuous area in the courthouse. And one guard. One! Find the biggest dumbass you can, and put him outside the door. And definitely don't show him a picture of the suspect or tell him the threat our witness faces.
ANGRYPANTS: I don't know why I'm taking orders from you, but consider it done.
INT. COURTHOUSE
NERVOUS WITNESS stands at a podium in a crowded courtroom, preparing to deliver her testimony for some reason. CUT to outside the courtroom, where a single OBESE GUARD stands glaring brainlessly into space. EVIL MCTERRORMAN walks in. He has shaven off his mustache, which renders him unrecognizable if you're an idiot.
EVIL: Hello. I am a special agent, so you have to let me in.
EVIL flashes a name badge he made in MS Paint and printed at the Kinkos next door.
GUARD: Alright then. Did you pass that large metal suitcase through a metal detector? Gosh, that thing sure does look like the evidence in the courtroom. Weird, huh? Okay, you're good to go.
EVIL: Thanks!
While the court proceedings continue, EVIL MCTERRORMAN strolls up to the witness stand and sets down the briefcase in plain view of everyone. He then returns to the lobby and engages the device, causing panic. Everyone collapses, except for IMMUNE LADY, who appears to be unaffected by the gas. She escapes into the hallway and runs into the arms of police officers, who are not affected by the pathogens on her clothes because of reasons. Meanwhile, EVIL runs out to the front of the courthouse and grabs a hostage. AGENT KEEN appears, poised to shoot EVIL.
EVIL: Not so fast, agent! I've got a human shield! That means you have to put your gun down and kick it away!
KEEN: Look, I'm new, but I wasn't born yesterday. That's not really how it works, is it?
EVIL: No, that's how it goes. It's kind of mean that they didn't tell you.
KEEN: Oh. Live and learn, I guess.
KEEN drops her weapon and kicks it down the stairs. EVIL shoots the hostage and skips away, giggling with glee. Nobody attempts to stop him. AGENT ANGRYPANTS runs up to the scene, and watches EVIL disappear into the sunset.
ANGRYPANTS: Dammit, Keen! Didn't you watch NBC's Ironside? You're supposed to shoot the hostage! I thought you had the guts to be one of the good guys, Keen. But now, I just don't know.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
IMMUNE LADY lies in a hospital bed, her vital signs appear normal. She is resting quietly when EVIL MCTERRORMAN enters, wearing scrubs. IMMUNE LADY awakens from a light sleep.
LADY: Gosh, if it weren't for that doctory outfit, you would look familiar.
EVIL: Who, me? I'm just a doctor man, who is here to doctor.
LADY: I hope you didn't have any trouble with all that FBI security guarding my room.
EVIL: What security? There's literally nobody there. Nobody questioned a strange man walking around in a hospital dressed as a staff member. And that's AFTER two high-profile attacks that should have triggered something pretty close to martial law. Pretty dumb, huh?
LADY: That's nice, 'hon. What do you need?
EVIL: Oh, I'm just going to inject this stuff into your IV bag.
LADY: Sure.
EVIL injects a mystery fluid into the IV bag. Soon, IMMUNE LADY drifts off to sleep.
EVIL: Alright, time to take some bone marrow in the middle of this hospital ward where anyone could walk in at any second.
INT. HOME OF EVIL GUY'S SON AND EX-LOVER, WHO IS NOT PRESENT FOR SOME REASON
EVIL GUY'S SON lies unconscious on the couch. EVIL MCTERRORMAN had been intentionally exposing people to the same virus that infected his son until he found someone who was immune. For some reason, his son's disease has picked this specific moment to become near-fatal. Also, injecting bone marrow from an immune person into an infected person cures the disease, because science. EVIL MCTERRORMAN stands poised above SON, seconds from saving his life. AGENT KEEN kicks in the door.
KEEN: Stop right there!
EVIL: Jesus, lady, are you serious? Can't I just save my son's life, and then you shoot me or whatever?
KEEN: In no universe are you injecting that into your son.
EVIL: What the hell kind of line is that? Was that supposed to be some kind of noire detective thing? Wow, that's awful. Anyway, why not?
KEEN: Because you don't know that it will work! It could kill him!
EVIL: He's literally going to die anyway. We have absolutely nothing to lose here. I'm going to do it.
EVIL MCTERRORMAN begins the delicate process of injecting the marrow into his son's neck.
KEEN: Suspect has a gun! He's headed right for me!
AGENT KEEN shoots EVIL MCTERRORMAN three times in the chest before he can inject the magic marrow. He falls dead to the floor. KEEN lights a cigarette and waits for backup, casually watching the SON lying still until it is clear that he's dead. AGENT ANGRYPANTS walks through the door and surveys the scene.
ANGRYPANTS: Agent Keen. You could have let that criminal save the life of a dying infant before taking him into custody, but you chose to shoot him to death and do nothing productive while you waited for me to assess your professionalism?
KEEN: Right, sir.
ANGRYPANTS: You're going to do just fine in the bureau, Keen. Congratulations. Isn't it great to be the good guy?
AGENT KEEN tosses her cigarette onto the SON's cold, gray face where it smolders.
KEEN: It sure is.
INT. DC METRO TUNNEL
AGENT KEEN stands with AGENT McWACKY and AGENT ANGRYPANTS on a subway platform with about six beat cops wandering around photographing things. The platform is lit by portable lamps provided by the police, but the focal point of the scene is the interior of the subway train--which casts a blue glow over an assortment of tangled bodies.
KEEN: Good God, what happened here?
McWACKY: I've never liked the subway, but it looks like these guys had a gas.
KEEN: What?
McWACKY: You see, they breathed poison vapor from that giant metal suitcase that a very conspicuous man that we got on camera in full HD left on the subway, and they died horribly. That's the joke.
ANGRYPANTS: This is no time for joking. I'm going to get the son of a bitch who did this. And then I'm going to drink to celebrate. And if I don't catch him, I'll drink anyway.
AGENT KEEN's completely unsecured cellphone rings. International super-criminal RED REDDINGTON, who refused to speak over traceable cell phone lines just two episodes ago, is on the other end.
RED: So, Agent Keene. What do you make of this particular Blacklister?
KEEN: He's one sick bastard. Although I'm confused about one thing. See, there was an act of mass murder using a biological agent on a major public transportation service, but there are only six cops here. We're treating this like a hooker got strangled. You'd expect a shitstorm of media and alphabet soup types running around here.
RED: Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?
KEEN: So it's all a part of a conspiracy. Dear God...
RED: No, no. There's actually no conspiracy here. The writers are high school freshmen from Creative Writing 101. Cheaper than the union types, but goddamn are they stupid.
KEEN: Is that why nobody is ever going to mention the surveillance footage of the suspect, or the fact that he used to be a government operative so our covert black site should already have tons of information on him, or the fact that he has civilian contacts who know his name, face and field of expertise? Or that he literally had a child with someone? All of this despite the fact that he's on your Blacklist, which is supposed to be guys that have completely gone off of the grid?
RED: I've said too much. Good luck, daught....I mean, Agent Keen.
AGENT KEEN hangs up and turns to her colleagues.
McWACKY: He still thinks that you being his daughter is going to be a shocking twist, huh?
KEEN: Yep. So what have we got to go on here?
ANGRYPANTS: Besides the obvious evidence that would lead us right to our man? Nothing, except one witness. She'll be at the courthouse to testify to what she saw even though that makes no sense because nobody has been arrested yet. There's no reason at all she couldn't giver her witness statement in a police precinct under the protection of many armed officers.
KEEN: Cool. I want her placed in a conspicuous area in the courthouse. And one guard. One! Find the biggest dumbass you can, and put him outside the door. And definitely don't show him a picture of the suspect or tell him the threat our witness faces.
ANGRYPANTS: I don't know why I'm taking orders from you, but consider it done.
INT. COURTHOUSE
NERVOUS WITNESS stands at a podium in a crowded courtroom, preparing to deliver her testimony for some reason. CUT to outside the courtroom, where a single OBESE GUARD stands glaring brainlessly into space. EVIL MCTERRORMAN walks in. He has shaven off his mustache, which renders him unrecognizable if you're an idiot.
EVIL: Hello. I am a special agent, so you have to let me in.
EVIL flashes a name badge he made in MS Paint and printed at the Kinkos next door.
GUARD: Alright then. Did you pass that large metal suitcase through a metal detector? Gosh, that thing sure does look like the evidence in the courtroom. Weird, huh? Okay, you're good to go.
EVIL: Thanks!
While the court proceedings continue, EVIL MCTERRORMAN strolls up to the witness stand and sets down the briefcase in plain view of everyone. He then returns to the lobby and engages the device, causing panic. Everyone collapses, except for IMMUNE LADY, who appears to be unaffected by the gas. She escapes into the hallway and runs into the arms of police officers, who are not affected by the pathogens on her clothes because of reasons. Meanwhile, EVIL runs out to the front of the courthouse and grabs a hostage. AGENT KEEN appears, poised to shoot EVIL.
EVIL: Not so fast, agent! I've got a human shield! That means you have to put your gun down and kick it away!
KEEN: Look, I'm new, but I wasn't born yesterday. That's not really how it works, is it?
EVIL: No, that's how it goes. It's kind of mean that they didn't tell you.
KEEN: Oh. Live and learn, I guess.
KEEN drops her weapon and kicks it down the stairs. EVIL shoots the hostage and skips away, giggling with glee. Nobody attempts to stop him. AGENT ANGRYPANTS runs up to the scene, and watches EVIL disappear into the sunset.
ANGRYPANTS: Dammit, Keen! Didn't you watch NBC's Ironside? You're supposed to shoot the hostage! I thought you had the guts to be one of the good guys, Keen. But now, I just don't know.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
IMMUNE LADY lies in a hospital bed, her vital signs appear normal. She is resting quietly when EVIL MCTERRORMAN enters, wearing scrubs. IMMUNE LADY awakens from a light sleep.
LADY: Gosh, if it weren't for that doctory outfit, you would look familiar.
EVIL: Who, me? I'm just a doctor man, who is here to doctor.
LADY: I hope you didn't have any trouble with all that FBI security guarding my room.
EVIL: What security? There's literally nobody there. Nobody questioned a strange man walking around in a hospital dressed as a staff member. And that's AFTER two high-profile attacks that should have triggered something pretty close to martial law. Pretty dumb, huh?
LADY: That's nice, 'hon. What do you need?
EVIL: Oh, I'm just going to inject this stuff into your IV bag.
LADY: Sure.
EVIL injects a mystery fluid into the IV bag. Soon, IMMUNE LADY drifts off to sleep.
EVIL: Alright, time to take some bone marrow in the middle of this hospital ward where anyone could walk in at any second.
INT. HOME OF EVIL GUY'S SON AND EX-LOVER, WHO IS NOT PRESENT FOR SOME REASON
EVIL GUY'S SON lies unconscious on the couch. EVIL MCTERRORMAN had been intentionally exposing people to the same virus that infected his son until he found someone who was immune. For some reason, his son's disease has picked this specific moment to become near-fatal. Also, injecting bone marrow from an immune person into an infected person cures the disease, because science. EVIL MCTERRORMAN stands poised above SON, seconds from saving his life. AGENT KEEN kicks in the door.
KEEN: Stop right there!
EVIL: Jesus, lady, are you serious? Can't I just save my son's life, and then you shoot me or whatever?
KEEN: In no universe are you injecting that into your son.
EVIL: What the hell kind of line is that? Was that supposed to be some kind of noire detective thing? Wow, that's awful. Anyway, why not?
KEEN: Because you don't know that it will work! It could kill him!
EVIL: He's literally going to die anyway. We have absolutely nothing to lose here. I'm going to do it.
EVIL MCTERRORMAN begins the delicate process of injecting the marrow into his son's neck.
KEEN: Suspect has a gun! He's headed right for me!
AGENT KEEN shoots EVIL MCTERRORMAN three times in the chest before he can inject the magic marrow. He falls dead to the floor. KEEN lights a cigarette and waits for backup, casually watching the SON lying still until it is clear that he's dead. AGENT ANGRYPANTS walks through the door and surveys the scene.
ANGRYPANTS: Agent Keen. You could have let that criminal save the life of a dying infant before taking him into custody, but you chose to shoot him to death and do nothing productive while you waited for me to assess your professionalism?
KEEN: Right, sir.
ANGRYPANTS: You're going to do just fine in the bureau, Keen. Congratulations. Isn't it great to be the good guy?
AGENT KEEN tosses her cigarette onto the SON's cold, gray face where it smolders.
KEEN: It sure is.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Bizarro Hollywood Blitzekrieg! October, 2013
Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Editorial: Walking Dead? More Like....Tax....Instead!
Dr. Handy Twinerlegs is a practicing OBGYN who for some reason is apparently supposed to have credible opinions about sociology (and can we just acknowledge that the concept of male gynecologists is just.....you know, I really don't want to paint the entire profession with a broad brush, but you have to believe that there's at least one guy out there just in it for.....you know what? Nevermind.).
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Excess Hollywood: Ugh, Pregnant Celebrities! Am I Right?
Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau- After the recent birth of a female celebrity's son, the Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau is keeping an eye on her to make sure her disgusting lard-ass loses weight.
"Hey fatass, you're supposed to eat the afterbirth, not the whole baby!" a Bizarro Post reporter shouted as the celebrity left the hospital with her newborn cradled in her arms.
"You're disgusting!" the celebrity's manager shouted.
"You think I'm disgusting, wait until you see the cellulite on those thighs when bikini season comes around! Lose weight, tubby!"
The Bizarro Post will not rest until we see that this landwhale freak loses the weight her body needed to sustain a successful pregnancy. Your grace period is running awfully low, babe. Unless you want to get roasted on TMZ, I suggest you eat a fucking salad or two. And the baby? "Baby fat" my ass! Get the little butterball into Pilates or get off of my TV!
"Hey fatass, you're supposed to eat the afterbirth, not the whole baby!" a Bizarro Post reporter shouted as the celebrity left the hospital with her newborn cradled in her arms.
"You're disgusting!" the celebrity's manager shouted.
"You think I'm disgusting, wait until you see the cellulite on those thighs when bikini season comes around! Lose weight, tubby!"
The Bizarro Post will not rest until we see that this landwhale freak loses the weight her body needed to sustain a successful pregnancy. Your grace period is running awfully low, babe. Unless you want to get roasted on TMZ, I suggest you eat a fucking salad or two. And the baby? "Baby fat" my ass! Get the little butterball into Pilates or get off of my TV!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sneak Peak Leak: Ironside (2013)
INT. OFFICE BUILDING-MIDDAY
Police surround JOHNNY POSTALMAN, who is holding GENERIC OFFICE GUY against his chest, a gun to his temple. Suddenly, the elevator opens up to the bottom half of a wheelchair. PAN UP to reveal IRONSIDE, scowling. His hatred is an aura that he vomits upon all assembled. TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE nods at IRONSIDE, her feminine frailty at its breaking point. Only a strong, powerful paraplegic can rescue this damsel.
IRONSIDE
Who's in charge of this shitshow?
GENERIC POLICEMAN
Whoa, you can't say that!
IRONSIDE
Shut up, bitch. I do what I want, when I want.
POSTALMAN
Hey buddy, I'm wise to your game! Yeah! You're compensating for your impotence by lashing out at everyone! You're going to be just like me one day!
IRONSIDE
Talented Rookie. We've got a human-shield style hostage here. What should you do in this situation?
ROOKIE
Uh, we should call a negotiator. Which is what I did. And they sent you.
IRONSIDE
Screw it. Shoot the hostage.
POSTALMAN recoils slightly, perplexed.
POSTALMAN
What the hell is wrong with you? You should be arresting this guy!
ROOKIE
I'm an excellent shot, Mr.Ironside. I can hit the perp without even coming close to the hostage. Why would you tell me to do that?
IRONSIDE glowers. "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOWWWW!!!????" sting plays from The Heavy.
IRONSIDE
I said shoot the goddamn hostage.
POSTALMAN pushes the hostage away and raises his hands in the air.
POSTALMAN
Jesus man, I'll give up! Just chill out, you psychopath!
IRONSIDE
Shoot the hostage.
ROOKIE grimaces, her weak female will overcome by the raw sex-pantherness of IRONSIDE. She shoots GENERIC OFFICE GUY in both knees.
GENERIC OFFICE GUY
Oh Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you assholes!?
IRONSIDE
Damn, baby! Knee shots and everything. You're a natural. You ain't walking anywhere now, are you? Now you know my pain, don't you!? You'll all know before I'm done!
POSTALMAN
So...what about me?
IRONSIDE draws his pistol and shoots POSTALMAN in his lower vertebrae.
POSTALMAN
I can't feel my legs! My genitals are useless now!
IRONSIDE
So are mine. Don't see me going all crazy over it.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!????????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. HOCKEY RINK
HOCKEY PLAYERS scrimmage on the ice. They are a youth league, perhaps 14-15 years of age. IRONSIDE sits on the side wearing a shirt with COACH emblazoned on it. His badge and gun are clipped to his belt.
IRONSIDE
Let's go you little shits! You think you're so good, with you legs all moving and shit! I could kill all of you with my bare hands! Don't tempt me!
HOCKEY PLAYERS slide to a stop in front of their coach, the practice apparently having ended. They wait for a pep talk.
HOCKEY CHILD
Mister Ironside, are you sure we should hit the other team in the knees with our sticks?
IRONSIDE
Bitch, if I wasn't sure about it I wouldn't have told you to do it.
HOCKEY CHILD
But that could really hurt them! It's just youth league! It's not worth crip....
IRONSIDE leans forward in his chair.
IRONSIDE
Say it.....
HOCKEY CHILD
I'm scared Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE draws his service weapon and presses it against the boy's forehead.
IRONSIDE
Say. It.
HOCKEY CHILD
Crippled! We'll cripple them!
IRONSIDE
Hell yes. You will. You'll show them the pain. Won't you, team?
HOCKEY CHILDREN
Yes Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE waves the gun erratically at the children, who recoil in terror.
IRONSIDE
Are you little fucks trying to say cripples are weak? You think I'm weak, you little bitches? I'll show you! Then I'll show your mommies and daddies! I'll show your all your little friends at school. Get off my ice you worthless bastards!
HOCKEY TEAM skates away sobbing in fear. CHIEF EXASPER strolls up from behind, clearly having seen everything.
EXASPER
Christ, man. That shit's going to end up on YouTube one of these days, and all the exasperated chiefs in the world won't be able to cover your ass.
IRONSIDE
If you can't handle the heat.....get off the ice.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOWWWW!?????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. POLICE CAR. NIGHT.
IRONSIDE and TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE are sitting together on a stakeout outside ST.MARY'S ORPHANAGE waiting for the EASTSIDE ORPHAN STRANGLER.
ROOKIE
Rookie or not, I'm ready to prove myself. The Eastside Orphan Strangler is screwed.
IRONSIDE
You're not man enough to take on someone like that. You're just here to build sexual tension between us.
ROOKIE
What the hell? Don't you know that' sexual harassment?
IRONSIDE
And don't YOU know? I'm a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOOWWWWWW!!????
ROOKIE
Oh my God, I suddenly am incredibly attracted to you for reasons!
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE begin making out, groping each other with wanton abandon. Through the windshield, we see ORPHAN STRANGLER sneaking into the front entrance of the orphanage.
ROOKIE
Are you...functional?
IRONSIDE
Medically, I shouldn't be. But it's hard to maintain my masculinity as a plot device if I couldn't, so yeah, basically.
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE share a passionate tryst in the front of the police cruiser. ORPHAN STRANGLER emerges from the front doors of the burning orphanage, severed heads rolling in a duffelbag on his back.
ROOKIE
Oh my God, the strangler! He's getting away with those severed heads! And he burned the evidence. The screaming and carnage are beyond description!! This is blasphemy against all human decency!
IRONSIDE
Goddamn, I love the way you talk dirty. Are there any broken legs? Severed spines? I need you to say yes right now. I need you to tell me you see that. Right now...
We hope you enjoyed this sneak peak of Ironside! Be sure to watch the premiere before it's abruptly cancelled.
Police surround JOHNNY POSTALMAN, who is holding GENERIC OFFICE GUY against his chest, a gun to his temple. Suddenly, the elevator opens up to the bottom half of a wheelchair. PAN UP to reveal IRONSIDE, scowling. His hatred is an aura that he vomits upon all assembled. TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE nods at IRONSIDE, her feminine frailty at its breaking point. Only a strong, powerful paraplegic can rescue this damsel.
IRONSIDE
Who's in charge of this shitshow?
GENERIC POLICEMAN
Whoa, you can't say that!
IRONSIDE
Shut up, bitch. I do what I want, when I want.
POSTALMAN
Hey buddy, I'm wise to your game! Yeah! You're compensating for your impotence by lashing out at everyone! You're going to be just like me one day!
IRONSIDE
Talented Rookie. We've got a human-shield style hostage here. What should you do in this situation?
ROOKIE
Uh, we should call a negotiator. Which is what I did. And they sent you.
IRONSIDE
Screw it. Shoot the hostage.
POSTALMAN recoils slightly, perplexed.
POSTALMAN
What the hell is wrong with you? You should be arresting this guy!
ROOKIE
I'm an excellent shot, Mr.Ironside. I can hit the perp without even coming close to the hostage. Why would you tell me to do that?
IRONSIDE glowers. "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOWWWW!!!????" sting plays from The Heavy.
IRONSIDE
I said shoot the goddamn hostage.
POSTALMAN pushes the hostage away and raises his hands in the air.
POSTALMAN
Jesus man, I'll give up! Just chill out, you psychopath!
IRONSIDE
Shoot the hostage.
ROOKIE grimaces, her weak female will overcome by the raw sex-pantherness of IRONSIDE. She shoots GENERIC OFFICE GUY in both knees.
GENERIC OFFICE GUY
Oh Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you assholes!?
IRONSIDE
Damn, baby! Knee shots and everything. You're a natural. You ain't walking anywhere now, are you? Now you know my pain, don't you!? You'll all know before I'm done!
POSTALMAN
So...what about me?
IRONSIDE draws his pistol and shoots POSTALMAN in his lower vertebrae.
POSTALMAN
I can't feel my legs! My genitals are useless now!
IRONSIDE
So are mine. Don't see me going all crazy over it.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!????????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. HOCKEY RINK
HOCKEY PLAYERS scrimmage on the ice. They are a youth league, perhaps 14-15 years of age. IRONSIDE sits on the side wearing a shirt with COACH emblazoned on it. His badge and gun are clipped to his belt.
IRONSIDE
Let's go you little shits! You think you're so good, with you legs all moving and shit! I could kill all of you with my bare hands! Don't tempt me!
HOCKEY PLAYERS slide to a stop in front of their coach, the practice apparently having ended. They wait for a pep talk.
HOCKEY CHILD
Mister Ironside, are you sure we should hit the other team in the knees with our sticks?
IRONSIDE
Bitch, if I wasn't sure about it I wouldn't have told you to do it.
HOCKEY CHILD
But that could really hurt them! It's just youth league! It's not worth crip....
IRONSIDE leans forward in his chair.
IRONSIDE
Say it.....
HOCKEY CHILD
I'm scared Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE draws his service weapon and presses it against the boy's forehead.
IRONSIDE
Say. It.
HOCKEY CHILD
Crippled! We'll cripple them!
IRONSIDE
Hell yes. You will. You'll show them the pain. Won't you, team?
HOCKEY CHILDREN
Yes Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE waves the gun erratically at the children, who recoil in terror.
IRONSIDE
Are you little fucks trying to say cripples are weak? You think I'm weak, you little bitches? I'll show you! Then I'll show your mommies and daddies! I'll show your all your little friends at school. Get off my ice you worthless bastards!
HOCKEY TEAM skates away sobbing in fear. CHIEF EXASPER strolls up from behind, clearly having seen everything.
EXASPER
Christ, man. That shit's going to end up on YouTube one of these days, and all the exasperated chiefs in the world won't be able to cover your ass.
IRONSIDE
If you can't handle the heat.....get off the ice.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOWWWW!?????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. POLICE CAR. NIGHT.
IRONSIDE and TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE are sitting together on a stakeout outside ST.MARY'S ORPHANAGE waiting for the EASTSIDE ORPHAN STRANGLER.
ROOKIE
Rookie or not, I'm ready to prove myself. The Eastside Orphan Strangler is screwed.
IRONSIDE
You're not man enough to take on someone like that. You're just here to build sexual tension between us.
ROOKIE
What the hell? Don't you know that' sexual harassment?
IRONSIDE
And don't YOU know? I'm a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOOWWWWWW!!????
ROOKIE
Oh my God, I suddenly am incredibly attracted to you for reasons!
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE begin making out, groping each other with wanton abandon. Through the windshield, we see ORPHAN STRANGLER sneaking into the front entrance of the orphanage.
ROOKIE
Are you...functional?
IRONSIDE
Medically, I shouldn't be. But it's hard to maintain my masculinity as a plot device if I couldn't, so yeah, basically.
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE share a passionate tryst in the front of the police cruiser. ORPHAN STRANGLER emerges from the front doors of the burning orphanage, severed heads rolling in a duffelbag on his back.
ROOKIE
Oh my God, the strangler! He's getting away with those severed heads! And he burned the evidence. The screaming and carnage are beyond description!! This is blasphemy against all human decency!
IRONSIDE
Goddamn, I love the way you talk dirty. Are there any broken legs? Severed spines? I need you to say yes right now. I need you to tell me you see that. Right now...
We hope you enjoyed this sneak peak of Ironside! Be sure to watch the premiere before it's abruptly cancelled.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Review: The Blacklist Makes Bullshit Fun Again
Bizarro Post Television Bureau- NBC's The Blacklist, initially pitched as The African-American Ledger, is a remarkably bold show in a TV-land that yearns for nothing more than safety and predictability. A cynical examination of the promos would lead you to believe that this is a flagrant ripoff of Silence of the Lambs--made all the worse for NBC's remake of Hannibal--and a standard-issue police procedural. What we got instead was a brisk blend of satire and over-the-top violence. From start to finish, the pilot episode is a comedy delight.
International mega-criminal Red Reddington (James Spader) has turned himself in to the world's most incompetent FBI to see if they can do a little housecleaning on his behalf. After strolling into the Hoover Building with no disguise and telling a security guard his name, Reddington is forced to wait several minutes while the G-men's CSI face scanning machine confirms his identity. Did I mention there's a wanted poster of the man a few feet away? Because there is.
So anyway, get this, They put Red in the cell from Skyfall, and he offers them a list of super-duper-ultra criminals that he wants them to take out. However, he'll only help if he is allowed to work with rookie DEFINITELY NOT HIS LONG LOST DAUGHTER criminal profiler Elizabeth Keen (Megan Boone, no relation to Daniel).
By the way, Elizabeth is a wacky sitcom wife who transforms into a no-nonsense FBI superbadass when duty calls. Agent Keen is brought to the CIA black site to meet with Reddington where, fuck it, they flagrantly rip off the first meeting between Hannibal and Starling. The FBI, in a rare moment of clarity, realizes there's something up with this new employee of theirs. How could Reddington demand her partnership if they didn't have a prior relationship (a relationship that is IN NO WAY PATERNAL)? That line of discussion gets dropped for some reason after Keen is interrogated by her new employers in what is one of my favorite bits of the episode. To paraphrase:
FBI Guy: "Mrs. Keen, please profile yourself for me as if you were a suspect."
Keen: "Well, I'm very stubborn, confident, and I take charge of any situation I find myself in. As a result, some refer to me as a 'bitch.'"
You see, you might think that this is a commentary on the way society judges strong women as opposed to strong male characters. Blacklist turns your expectations upside-down by using a blues-rock cover of Jay Z's 99 Problems to call her a bitch for standing up to Reddington mere minutes later. Dohohoho, Blacklist, you rogue!
The FBI assigns their newest profiler to guard the daughter of a brutal foreign general as she leaves ballet practice, because that's totally what profilers do when they're not writing reports on how mommy issues compel people to make masks out of human skin. Just as nature intended, terrorist Explodey McJihad (Some Guy) manages to overwhelm the entire FBI convoy and steal the girl. McJihad, naturally, is on Reddington's blacklist. Why did a member of this super secret society show up just as the FBI discovered his existence? Reasons.
The FBI is so desperate to catch this bad guy, they cater to Reddington's every whim in exchange for intelligence. The most dangerous criminal in the known universe is given a lightly guarded hotel suite, an unlimited supply of expensive wine and veal, and a vinyl copy of Sinister Classical Music for Scheming Masterminds Volume III.
Meanwhile, Explodey McJihad has just strolled into Keen's apartment, which evidently had no surveillance in place whatsoever. Keen enters and finds her husband taped to a chair and battered. Before she can produce her weapon, McJihad pulls a knife and threatens to stab her hubby if she doesn't help him release some pent-up exposition. In a bit that's right out of Kids in the Hall, McJihad punctuates every sentence by stabbing Mr. Keen in a new place with his paring knife. His job complete, the infamous terrorist is allowed to walk casually out of Keen's apartment while she makes no effort to draw her weapon, shoot him, and end the whole thing with a completely justifiable use of deadly force. Keen proceeds to render first aid to her husband by gesturing violently at his many wounds.
In the meantime, Reddington (giant mega ultra criminal under FBI custody) rappels out of the window of his hotel room using the courtesy rappelling kit. What, your hotel never gave you one? Sounds like you got suckered. Reddington proceeds to do all of the FBI's work for them, because they're all bigger idiots than he anticipated, and he goes on to move around downtown Washington D.C. with no intervention from the authorities who know damn well that he escaped. Mostly because he called them to gloat.
It turns out that McJihad has taped a dirty bomb to the general's daughter and left her in the zoo with strict instructions to wait for her father on a park bench far away from any populated areas. Evidently the FBI is in charge of zoo security as well, since nobody noticed the digital clock visible through the fabric of her backpack is counting down. Also, it beeps every single second and it has wires clumsily jutting out of it, and it's blatantly duct taped to the midsection of an unattended minor.
Reddington sends his finest explosive fetishist to disarm the bomb just in time, while Keen comforts the little girl by offering to let her stroke the giant lucky scar that "her daddy gave her." Hahaha, yeah, I know. Hey, you know how I mentioned the demolitions guy is a fetishist? I wasn't joking. His payment for disarming the thing is the backpack itself, which he gleefully clutches to his chest while skipping away; happier than the guy who finally found a kid who wanted free candy more than he distrusted strangers. To Keen's credit, she does tell the FBI backup that arrives to go catch the dude who just made off with a WMD clutched to his chest. They don't take her advice, but she tried.
Oh, and get this. At the very end of the show, Keen finds out that her husband is a foreign spy! You'd think a thing like that might be revealed during an intensive FBI background check! And if you did think about that, you're clearly not ready for what Blacklist is dishing out.
The Blacklist delights in thumbing its nose at FBI-show conventions. Viewers get an all-you-can-eat buffet of Spader smugness without the buzzkill of serious police work, because none of the FBI agents know what in the hell they're doing. I strongly suspect that each episode will pit the nincompoops at the FBI against another nefarious character from the blacklist, and the day will be saved by an escaped Reddington who will then turn himself back in to get ready for next week's adventure. It's an Inspector Gadget for a new age, and I'm all for it.
Final rating: A
International mega-criminal Red Reddington (James Spader) has turned himself in to the world's most incompetent FBI to see if they can do a little housecleaning on his behalf. After strolling into the Hoover Building with no disguise and telling a security guard his name, Reddington is forced to wait several minutes while the G-men's CSI face scanning machine confirms his identity. Did I mention there's a wanted poster of the man a few feet away? Because there is.
So anyway, get this, They put Red in the cell from Skyfall, and he offers them a list of super-duper-ultra criminals that he wants them to take out. However, he'll only help if he is allowed to work with rookie DEFINITELY NOT HIS LONG LOST DAUGHTER criminal profiler Elizabeth Keen (Megan Boone, no relation to Daniel).
By the way, Elizabeth is a wacky sitcom wife who transforms into a no-nonsense FBI superbadass when duty calls. Agent Keen is brought to the CIA black site to meet with Reddington where, fuck it, they flagrantly rip off the first meeting between Hannibal and Starling. The FBI, in a rare moment of clarity, realizes there's something up with this new employee of theirs. How could Reddington demand her partnership if they didn't have a prior relationship (a relationship that is IN NO WAY PATERNAL)? That line of discussion gets dropped for some reason after Keen is interrogated by her new employers in what is one of my favorite bits of the episode. To paraphrase:
FBI Guy: "Mrs. Keen, please profile yourself for me as if you were a suspect."
Keen: "Well, I'm very stubborn, confident, and I take charge of any situation I find myself in. As a result, some refer to me as a 'bitch.'"
You see, you might think that this is a commentary on the way society judges strong women as opposed to strong male characters. Blacklist turns your expectations upside-down by using a blues-rock cover of Jay Z's 99 Problems to call her a bitch for standing up to Reddington mere minutes later. Dohohoho, Blacklist, you rogue!
The FBI assigns their newest profiler to guard the daughter of a brutal foreign general as she leaves ballet practice, because that's totally what profilers do when they're not writing reports on how mommy issues compel people to make masks out of human skin. Just as nature intended, terrorist Explodey McJihad (Some Guy) manages to overwhelm the entire FBI convoy and steal the girl. McJihad, naturally, is on Reddington's blacklist. Why did a member of this super secret society show up just as the FBI discovered his existence? Reasons.
The FBI is so desperate to catch this bad guy, they cater to Reddington's every whim in exchange for intelligence. The most dangerous criminal in the known universe is given a lightly guarded hotel suite, an unlimited supply of expensive wine and veal, and a vinyl copy of Sinister Classical Music for Scheming Masterminds Volume III.
Meanwhile, Explodey McJihad has just strolled into Keen's apartment, which evidently had no surveillance in place whatsoever. Keen enters and finds her husband taped to a chair and battered. Before she can produce her weapon, McJihad pulls a knife and threatens to stab her hubby if she doesn't help him release some pent-up exposition. In a bit that's right out of Kids in the Hall, McJihad punctuates every sentence by stabbing Mr. Keen in a new place with his paring knife. His job complete, the infamous terrorist is allowed to walk casually out of Keen's apartment while she makes no effort to draw her weapon, shoot him, and end the whole thing with a completely justifiable use of deadly force. Keen proceeds to render first aid to her husband by gesturing violently at his many wounds.
In the meantime, Reddington (giant mega ultra criminal under FBI custody) rappels out of the window of his hotel room using the courtesy rappelling kit. What, your hotel never gave you one? Sounds like you got suckered. Reddington proceeds to do all of the FBI's work for them, because they're all bigger idiots than he anticipated, and he goes on to move around downtown Washington D.C. with no intervention from the authorities who know damn well that he escaped. Mostly because he called them to gloat.
It turns out that McJihad has taped a dirty bomb to the general's daughter and left her in the zoo with strict instructions to wait for her father on a park bench far away from any populated areas. Evidently the FBI is in charge of zoo security as well, since nobody noticed the digital clock visible through the fabric of her backpack is counting down. Also, it beeps every single second and it has wires clumsily jutting out of it, and it's blatantly duct taped to the midsection of an unattended minor.
Reddington sends his finest explosive fetishist to disarm the bomb just in time, while Keen comforts the little girl by offering to let her stroke the giant lucky scar that "her daddy gave her." Hahaha, yeah, I know. Hey, you know how I mentioned the demolitions guy is a fetishist? I wasn't joking. His payment for disarming the thing is the backpack itself, which he gleefully clutches to his chest while skipping away; happier than the guy who finally found a kid who wanted free candy more than he distrusted strangers. To Keen's credit, she does tell the FBI backup that arrives to go catch the dude who just made off with a WMD clutched to his chest. They don't take her advice, but she tried.
Oh, and get this. At the very end of the show, Keen finds out that her husband is a foreign spy! You'd think a thing like that might be revealed during an intensive FBI background check! And if you did think about that, you're clearly not ready for what Blacklist is dishing out.
The Blacklist delights in thumbing its nose at FBI-show conventions. Viewers get an all-you-can-eat buffet of Spader smugness without the buzzkill of serious police work, because none of the FBI agents know what in the hell they're doing. I strongly suspect that each episode will pit the nincompoops at the FBI against another nefarious character from the blacklist, and the day will be saved by an escaped Reddington who will then turn himself back in to get ready for next week's adventure. It's an Inspector Gadget for a new age, and I'm all for it.
Final rating: A
Monday, September 23, 2013
Emmy Award Fashion: Hits and Misses
Bizarro Post Fashion Bureau- So uh, I've been asked to write about "fashion hits and misses" at the Emmy Awards last night. I usually cover college football, but we've never actually published a story about any football news, college or otherwise. My supervising editor thought I was an unpaid intern. In a play to "get me off of my lazy ass", I've been assigned to critique fashion at the 2013 Emmy Awards. I meant to take pictures on the red carpet with my cell phone, but my thumb covered up most of them. Here goes, I guess.
Dudes: They were all wearing the same thing, pretty much. Like, a black suit and tie. Kind of reminds me, I really need to invest in a suit someday. I haven't had one my entire adult life, you know. I wore a rental at prom though, so that was cool.
Michelle Dockery: Her dress kind of looks like drapes from the Holiday Inn. You know, that big heavy maroon drapes they've got that you don't want to touch because you never know where the weird stains are going to be? Also, check out the high beams. Reminds me of my awkward tryst after the prom I mentioned earlier. HIT.
Lena Dunham: This thing looks like the wallpaper from my grandma's bathroom, only with fewer nicotine stains. It doesn't look badass enough to go with that bitchin' ink on her arm. I'm thinking, like, a nice t-shirt, leather vest, jeans, maybe some chaps. Plus, the v-cut thing on her top goes all the way down to her bellybutton, yet there's no cleavage whatsoever. That's some X-Files shit. MISS.
Elizabeth Moss: Reminded me of Oreos, and chicks with short hair are hot. Both of those together are pretty good, HIT.
Cat Deeley: Yeah, I haven't heard of this lady either, but I really wanted to mention her because she's wearing this dress that looks like one of those demon guys from the Hellraiser movies. It's all all black and slick, and her body looks all malformed and stuff. Pretty spooky. HIT.
Zosia Mamet: I think it's pretty cool of her to wear a dress finger-painted by the young patients of St.Jude Children's Hospital. I don't know why her boobs are wearing sunglasses though. Normally, breast shades would be hilarious, but this was supposed to be about the kids. MISS.
Kate Mara: She was going to wear a completely see-through top, but some jerk installed lattice over all of the interesting parts. MISS.
Sofia Vergara: Ohohohoho, yeah. HIT.
Jenny Packham: Translucent dresses don't really go that well with Wonder Woman shorts underneath. MISS.
Heidi Klum: You ever see that movie, The Fifth Element? Nobody seems to acknowledge just how ridiculously hot that movie was, and this thing totally looks like something you'd see in there. Hell, yeah, more of that, please! HIT.
Claire Danes: Aw, mom! Put those things away, Jesus. MISS.
Dudes: They were all wearing the same thing, pretty much. Like, a black suit and tie. Kind of reminds me, I really need to invest in a suit someday. I haven't had one my entire adult life, you know. I wore a rental at prom though, so that was cool.
Michelle Dockery: Her dress kind of looks like drapes from the Holiday Inn. You know, that big heavy maroon drapes they've got that you don't want to touch because you never know where the weird stains are going to be? Also, check out the high beams. Reminds me of my awkward tryst after the prom I mentioned earlier. HIT.
Lena Dunham: This thing looks like the wallpaper from my grandma's bathroom, only with fewer nicotine stains. It doesn't look badass enough to go with that bitchin' ink on her arm. I'm thinking, like, a nice t-shirt, leather vest, jeans, maybe some chaps. Plus, the v-cut thing on her top goes all the way down to her bellybutton, yet there's no cleavage whatsoever. That's some X-Files shit. MISS.
Elizabeth Moss: Reminded me of Oreos, and chicks with short hair are hot. Both of those together are pretty good, HIT.
Cat Deeley: Yeah, I haven't heard of this lady either, but I really wanted to mention her because she's wearing this dress that looks like one of those demon guys from the Hellraiser movies. It's all all black and slick, and her body looks all malformed and stuff. Pretty spooky. HIT.
Zosia Mamet: I think it's pretty cool of her to wear a dress finger-painted by the young patients of St.Jude Children's Hospital. I don't know why her boobs are wearing sunglasses though. Normally, breast shades would be hilarious, but this was supposed to be about the kids. MISS.
Kate Mara: She was going to wear a completely see-through top, but some jerk installed lattice over all of the interesting parts. MISS.
Sofia Vergara: Ohohohoho, yeah. HIT.
Jenny Packham: Translucent dresses don't really go that well with Wonder Woman shorts underneath. MISS.
Heidi Klum: You ever see that movie, The Fifth Element? Nobody seems to acknowledge just how ridiculously hot that movie was, and this thing totally looks like something you'd see in there. Hell, yeah, more of that, please! HIT.
Claire Danes: Aw, mom! Put those things away, Jesus. MISS.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Billy Ray Cyrus Monetizes Ache-y, Break-y Heart
Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau- Billy Ray Cyrus might be a long country mile away from being relevant, but that doesn't mean he's sitting on his hands. The former be-loath-ed country singer and Hannah Montana supporting actor is making a lucrative career out of reacting to things his daughter, Miley Cyrus, does.
"People think it's easy. Like, it's not even a legitimate career," Cyrus drawls. "But my job is to look at my daughter's boobs and then create a dissertation around how I feel. Then I've got to go through the whole process a three or four dozen times for all the magazines and blogs. It's a full time job."
Unlike Lady Gaga, whose nudity is expected and demanded, Miley Cyrus is seen as a wholesome pop star in the style of The Mickey Mouse Club. The disappointed father narrative appeals to this public perception, and Billy Cyrus is able to charge a considerable fee to describe his experience witnessing his daughter grinding her nether regions on a wrecking ball.
"Some of the things I have to witness really curl my mullet," growls the professionally disappointed dad. "But what the hell, I'm doing better than I ever have financially. Her failure to make good decisions makes me proud."
"People think it's easy. Like, it's not even a legitimate career," Cyrus drawls. "But my job is to look at my daughter's boobs and then create a dissertation around how I feel. Then I've got to go through the whole process a three or four dozen times for all the magazines and blogs. It's a full time job."
Unlike Lady Gaga, whose nudity is expected and demanded, Miley Cyrus is seen as a wholesome pop star in the style of The Mickey Mouse Club. The disappointed father narrative appeals to this public perception, and Billy Cyrus is able to charge a considerable fee to describe his experience witnessing his daughter grinding her nether regions on a wrecking ball.
"Some of the things I have to witness really curl my mullet," growls the professionally disappointed dad. "But what the hell, I'm doing better than I ever have financially. Her failure to make good decisions makes me proud."
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Country Crooners Corrupting Culture
Bizarro Reno, NV (BP)- In the wake of
the Folsom Blues Killer's arrest, parents and family advocacy groups
are leveling harsh criticism at country music and country music
culture.
"It's time that God-fearing
Americans take a stand against this smut," said Marilee Dubois,
a spokeswoman for the Family Association of Familial Families.
"Nobody else needs to lose their lives to this culture of
violence."
Hunting for the Man in Black
Fredrick North, 19, was arrested
Tuesday and charged with seven counts of first-degree murder. North's
rampage terrorized the Reno area, cutting sharply into tourism during
an economically vital season. The victims, all male adults, were
found alone in their motel rooms with gunshot wounds that left them
alive, but incapacitated. Investigators received their big break when
North called in to a radio show on Big Country 81.3 FM.
"I shot them, yes," rasped
North into the phone. "Just to watch them die."
After determining that the call had
been made from a payphone outside of an RV park on East 2nd Street,
police were able to get accounts of a suspicious person from
employees and patrons. Despite the searing heat of a Nevada summer,
North wore an entirely black outfit; complete with gloves, a
trenchcoat, and a Stetson. An hour later, a half mile from the
payphone, a gas station clerk reported a man in a trenchcoat with a
revolver tucked into his waistband. North purchased a bottle of water
and left without incident.
"He just struck me as dangerous.
He was staring a thousand miles right past me," said cashier
Angela Romero.
Reno police and FBI agents descended in
force, placing a sweating and compliant Fredrick North under arrest.
"He surrendered without incident,
and we were able to secure his weapon immediately," said FBI
agent Scott Molder. "We'd like to thank the public for their
support in locating this dangerous individual."
A Nation Demands Action
The talking point began as soon as the
cuffs snapped shut: What role did country music and country-western
culture play in this and other violent acts?
"This killer, this Fredrick North,
he was inspired by a thuggish country song by known drug fiend Johnny
Cash," growled conservative talk radio personality Rush
Limbaugh. "And this isn't the only example, folks! It's only
going to get worse unless we challenge the 'PC police' and take
decisive action."
Pictured: Johnny Cash, probably responding to an elderly nun asking for an autograph
Country music is known to include
references to gun-play, alcohol consumption, and wanton sexuality
outside of the sanctity of marriage. Movies such as True Grit
and Tombstone include casual acts of murder, execution,
and violence against women. According to critics, these common themes
can glamorize criminal behavior and causes additional acts of
violence from impressionable consumers.
Pressure to act has reached Capitol
Hill, but lawmakers are warning that there isn't much they can do
Constitutionally. Tea Party lawmakers, however, have pledged to take
the fight against obscenity to the streets.
"I'm not afraid to tell the truth,
and nobody else should be. It's this pervasive culture among southern
whites, constantly promoting this dangerous lifestyle of gunslinging
and cattle rustling," said Ted Cruz (R-Canada). "They're going
to be taken to task, be sure of that!"
Country music fans aren't taking this
challenge lying down. In Nashville, known globally as the home of
country and bluegrass music, an organized effort to defend the city's
cultural foundation is underway.
"We're just telling stories about
the way things are on the dirty south streets. No really, they're actual dirt, so they're demonstrably dirty," said recording artist Hank Atwood. "This is poetry from the farms. From the dusty
bars where you can put your boots up and speak your mind."
A brand new culture war appears to be
in the cards. Two posses prepare to throw down on one another at high
noon, hot irons gleaming in the cruel desert sun. Barrels gape like
empty eye sockets. Air's so thick, you can practically taste a tinge
of blood against your parched tongoddamnit they got me too. Look,
anybody know where a guy can buy a spittoon at this hour?
Monday, August 26, 2013
Professionally Offended: When Miley's Twerkin', We Start Workin'
Bizarro Post Media Bureau- Fans of being offended were thrilled with last night's Video Music Awards on MTV, which fulfilled their desire to be angry about things that ultimately have no effect on their lives.
"This was a great year for outrage," said Pastor Randy Maxwell. "I was up until two in the morning writing angry letters to newspapers and politicians. And just wait until you hear my next sermon! Nothing gets the juices flowing like some old fashioned rage!"
What MTV's annual award show lacks in legitimacy as a critical examination of artistic skill, it has always made up for it by infuriating countless people from all walks of life. It's estimated that anger enthusiasts represent nearly all of the audience still watching the VMAs.
The event reached peak obscenity when Miley Cyrus performed whatever it is she's singing now. Her performance included graphic pantomiming of every sex act known to man, the sexual harassment of teddy bears, and culminated with simulated intercourse between Cyrus and what appears to be Beetlejuice's douchey cousin. Plus, her mom was totally in the audience.
"This degrading performance insinuates that women are defined entirely by their sexuality," said feminist blogger who actually makes a living writing a blog Aneeda Sharkeesian. "The inclusion of teddy bears in a high explicit performance by a former child star also sexualizes children, which is never acceptable."
Actually, yeah, that was really goddamn creepy. What the hell, Cyrus? That's actually gross. Now I'M pissed at your stupid post-relevance flailing.For God's sake, talk to your frigging manager before you try to choreograph something again, you giant doofus.
Damn MTV, you're still pretty good at this.
"This was a great year for outrage," said Pastor Randy Maxwell. "I was up until two in the morning writing angry letters to newspapers and politicians. And just wait until you hear my next sermon! Nothing gets the juices flowing like some old fashioned rage!"
What MTV's annual award show lacks in legitimacy as a critical examination of artistic skill, it has always made up for it by infuriating countless people from all walks of life. It's estimated that anger enthusiasts represent nearly all of the audience still watching the VMAs.
The event reached peak obscenity when Miley Cyrus performed whatever it is she's singing now. Her performance included graphic pantomiming of every sex act known to man, the sexual harassment of teddy bears, and culminated with simulated intercourse between Cyrus and what appears to be Beetlejuice's douchey cousin. Plus, her mom was totally in the audience.
"This degrading performance insinuates that women are defined entirely by their sexuality," said feminist blogger who actually makes a living writing a blog Aneeda Sharkeesian. "The inclusion of teddy bears in a high explicit performance by a former child star also sexualizes children, which is never acceptable."
Actually, yeah, that was really goddamn creepy. What the hell, Cyrus? That's actually gross. Now I'M pissed at your stupid post-relevance flailing.For God's sake, talk to your frigging manager before you try to choreograph something again, you giant doofus.
Damn MTV, you're still pretty good at this.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Twitter Accepts Immortal Soul of Dr. Phil
Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- Dr. Phil McGraw, host of an extremely
popular daytime talk show, fed his career to the gaping and eternally
hungry maw of Twitter today.
In accordance with Twitter sacrifice tradition, the Tweet was hastily deleted. False claims of hacking may be pending.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Breaking is Bad. The Ending is Badder.
Bizarro Entertainment Bureau- Legions of devoted "Breaking Bad" fans were stunned after a copy of the final episode's script, apparently forgotten by Bryan Cranston at Comic Con, was uploaded online.
"@breakingbad I can't deal w/ this. #drinkingbleach #suicide"
The
first 45 minutes of the show are everything that a fan might expect
from the big finale. As Jesse Pinkman takes a dozen rounds in the torso
from cartel enforcers, he crumples at the feet of series protagonist and
unlikely kingpin Walter White.
"It's been good working with you......bitch," whispers Jesse, who expires.
Chief
Hank Schrader, Walter's brother in law, arrested Skyler White for her
complicity in her husband's meth empire. Hank's wife is following behind
in her SUV with Skyler and Walter's infant daughter. From somewhere
nearby, we see a group of masked cartel men crouching in the bushes. One
of them holds a disposable cell phone with a number illuminated on its
screen. As the sound of engines begin to swell, the assassin presses
"Send", triggering the IED that obliterates Hank's car. Producing
assault rifles, the men fire into the cars until there is no more
movement.
Walter is dodging gunfire outside of Pinkman's
burning house when his son appears in the family Aztec. As Walt Junior
steps from the driver's side door, we see that his crutches have been
replaced with two rocket launchers.
"Let's k-k-kick some a-a-ass, D-d-dad," Junior says, tossing an RPG to his father.
Before Walt Junior could life his weapon, a sniper's bullet takes him out.
Walter, grimacing and bathed in sweat, stands
motionless as cartel men surround him. They point their rifles, but do
not fire. Their perimeter parts, and in walks cyborg Gustavo Fring. Half
man, half machine, Cyberfring grins at Walter. His chest glows with an
otherworldly blue light.
"You have surpassed all my expectations," growled
Cyberfring. "I will not underestimate you again. My atomic core has made
me unstoppable."
"'Atomic core,' huh? Sounds unstable," Walter replied.
"No, Walter. It is you that is unstable. You are a
junkie--for power, for wealth. I am a businessman. I adhere to a code of
honor that you have profaned. Now, prepare to knock on the gates of
Hell."
"You're right about one thing," says Walter. "I am the one who knocks."
With
that, Walter falls backwards. As he descends, he lifts the RPG until
its missile is pointed squarely at Cyberfring's atomic core.
"Hoooaaaahhhh!!!" screams the cyborg as Walter
fires. Everyone is consumed in a mushroom cloud that devastates all of
Albuquerque.
According to the script, the show
ends with Walter jolting from his sleep in a messy bedroom we haven't
seen before. He now has a full head of hair, and his goatee is replaced
by morning scruff.
Lois rolls over, her hair bulging with curlers.
"Hal? You better not be having a heart attack. Our insurance premiums
are high enough as it is."
"Lois, you'll never believe the crazy dream I just had. Hey, do you smell something? Like cat pee?"
She sniffs the air and winces. "Yeah, actually. Dewey!"
Dewey crashes through the bedroom door and wearing footy pajamas. "Mom, Malcolm's experimenting in the kitchen again!"
"MALCOLM!" Hal screams, leaping out of bed and charging towards the camera.
Roll credits.
------------------------------
"I wasn't satisfied with the end of 'Malcolm in the
Middle'," said Vince Gilligan. "I created 'Breaking Bad' to bring my
favorite sitcom to the most epic conclusion I could. It's the least I
could do."
Police are assembling in several major cities in
anticipation of massive civil unrest. A bipartisan effort to force a
re-write of the entire final episode by law is currently being drafted
in accordance with the advice of Homeland Security officials. President
Obama has promised to sign the bill into law the moment it hits his
desk.
"This is unacceptable," said Obama. "The National
Guard is on stand-by at this time. We will get the ending this series
deserves."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Celebrities React to Royal Baby
Anthony Weiner:
"They should name the kid Ricardo Roundhouse. Actually, nevermind, I'm using that for my next JDate account."
Amanda Bynes:
"Their baby is ugly and stupid. I bet his parents are morons too. And say what you will about Hitler, but he kept the trains running on time," said Bynes as she threw lightbulbs at a cardboard cutout of Mr.Rogers.
House Speaker John Boehner:
"If Obama was serious about women's health, he wouldn't be supporting a socialist system like they have in Britain. It took 12 hours just to deliver a baby. If you're serious about making government work for the people, I want you to Tweet your response with the hashtag '#Obamalabor'."
Supreme Commander of Best Korea Kim Jong Un:
"Filth baby of decadence brings shame to imperialists. Disgusting western press dishonors itself with singular obsession over one human who is considered great due to luck of birth."
Anne Coulter:
"Is it just me, or did the baby look like a giant queer?"
British Prime Minister David Cameron:
"I look forward to watching our handsome little prince grow up in a world without nudity."
Russian President Vladimir Putin:
"Hmmmm.....is good, maybe."
Syrian President Bashar Assad:
"Hopefully this child will come to know the error of opposing Bashar Assad, a lesson which his countrymen have learned through their failed attempts at intervention," said Assad from his skull throne, where he sipped a chalice of human blood.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
"I have it on good authority that this child's first words will be 'Bomb Iran.'"
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas:
"We will light many....fireworks in honor of this happy occasion."
Joey Boots:
"BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STE-"
Survivalist Bear Grylls:
"I certainly hope that Kate ate the placenta. There are a lot of really essential nutrients in there."
Kanye West:
"Look, I'm really happy for you, but North West is the best baby of all time. All time!"
George Zimmerman:
"How did you find me? Please don't speak to anyone of this place."
Sean Hannity:
"Didn't we fight a war so we wouldn't have to care about this crap? Don't make us come over there and finish the job!"
Glenn Beck:
"Listen. I will not. I. Will. Not. I will not celebrate this false flag operation to distract from PRISM, and from the CIA releasing prisoners in Iraq to serve in Obama's socialist death army. Come and get me, FEMA! Let's see if you're man enough to take a true patriot!"
United States President Barack Obama:
"Ahhhhh, the people of America. Ahhhh, welcome.......the birth of the Prince of Cambridge. Ahhhhh...Michelle and the girls....ahhhhh...extend their best wishes."
"They should name the kid Ricardo Roundhouse. Actually, nevermind, I'm using that for my next JDate account."
Amanda Bynes:
"Their baby is ugly and stupid. I bet his parents are morons too. And say what you will about Hitler, but he kept the trains running on time," said Bynes as she threw lightbulbs at a cardboard cutout of Mr.Rogers.
House Speaker John Boehner:
"If Obama was serious about women's health, he wouldn't be supporting a socialist system like they have in Britain. It took 12 hours just to deliver a baby. If you're serious about making government work for the people, I want you to Tweet your response with the hashtag '#Obamalabor'."
Supreme Commander of Best Korea Kim Jong Un:
"Filth baby of decadence brings shame to imperialists. Disgusting western press dishonors itself with singular obsession over one human who is considered great due to luck of birth."
Anne Coulter:
"Is it just me, or did the baby look like a giant queer?"
British Prime Minister David Cameron:
"I look forward to watching our handsome little prince grow up in a world without nudity."
Russian President Vladimir Putin:
"Hmmmm.....is good, maybe."
Syrian President Bashar Assad:
"Hopefully this child will come to know the error of opposing Bashar Assad, a lesson which his countrymen have learned through their failed attempts at intervention," said Assad from his skull throne, where he sipped a chalice of human blood.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
"I have it on good authority that this child's first words will be 'Bomb Iran.'"
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas:
"We will light many....fireworks in honor of this happy occasion."
Joey Boots:
"BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STE-"
Survivalist Bear Grylls:
"I certainly hope that Kate ate the placenta. There are a lot of really essential nutrients in there."
Kanye West:
"Look, I'm really happy for you, but North West is the best baby of all time. All time!"
George Zimmerman:
"How did you find me? Please don't speak to anyone of this place."
Sean Hannity:
"Didn't we fight a war so we wouldn't have to care about this crap? Don't make us come over there and finish the job!"
Glenn Beck:
"Listen. I will not. I. Will. Not. I will not celebrate this false flag operation to distract from PRISM, and from the CIA releasing prisoners in Iraq to serve in Obama's socialist death army. Come and get me, FEMA! Let's see if you're man enough to take a true patriot!"
United States President Barack Obama:
"Ahhhhh, the people of America. Ahhhh, welcome.......the birth of the Prince of Cambridge. Ahhhhh...Michelle and the girls....ahhhhh...extend their best wishes."
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
"Sharknado" a Disappointing Twist on B-Movie Idiocy
Bizarro Moviehouse- As someone who enjoys a shameless, low-budget romp through schlock I expected a number of things from "Sharknado". I wanted flat, static characters. I wanted CGI on par with that Dire Straits video. Most of all, I wanted the gratuitous TV-MA violence.
"Sharknado" did not deliver.
The cast of "Sharknado" is trapped in a tangled web betrayal and intrigue. Every scene is driven by stunning performances and inspired cinematography. Every frame is a masterclass in film-making; a love letter to the craft.
Ian Ziering is a tormented veteran, struggling to come to terms with the blood on his hands after ordering a mortar strike that went tragically astray--hitting an orphanage for the blind instead of a Bombz-N-Things Terrorist Wholesale Store. There are fights and tearful reconciliations aplenty as Ian realizes that his family can never know his pain; that the love his wife and daughter have is for a man that died on that fateful day in Afghanistan. And who was this new man, this Ian Ziering that stared into the abyss and saw something looking back?
As Ian trudges to the liquor store on a stormy night, the wind begins to rise into a roaring tempest.
"That's a goddamn tornado!" shouts a fleeing tourist. "Everyone, get inside!"
Faced once more with the concept of his own mortality and the frailty of flesh, Ian stands idle as the waterspout approaches land.
"Give me one reason," Ian mumbles. "Come on God. You just give me a damn reason I should get out of the way. Who knows? I just might listen."
Ian's cell phone rings. It's his wife.
"Ian!" she cries, the infamous freight train of tornadic winds buffeting against the receiver. "I've been out looking for you for hours! You have to get inside, for the love of God!"
"Why?" Ian replies. "Let's get it all out there. This is the last chance for both of us."
"Because you're worth it, Ian. Because you're worth caring about. Because your daughter is needs her father. You've changed, but I love you."
The phone is sucked out of Ian's hand, which clenches into a fist.
"Time to move."
Ian makes for a nearby storefront, but he has delayed too long. And this is no ordinary tornado. Indeed, it is a Sharknado.
Using his belt to lasso a light post, Ian hangs on desperately as sharks are launched from the funnel--nature's cruel catapult. The fearsome beasts' strength and dexterity are irrelevant here. Sharks slam into parking lots, break against brick walls, and are delivered into power lines for an excruciating demise. For the shark, there is no mercy but death.
As the Sharknado retreats into the clouds, Ian is left kneeling in a street that is red with chum. His wife appears behind him and crouches--her arms circling his neck.
"God," she whispers. "There's so many dead sharks. They didn't even have a chance. What did these animals do to deserve this?"
Ian sighs and grasps her hand. "This godforsaken world of ours, with all its chaos and unchecked power, doesn't give a damn who deserves what. Who's good, who's evil. Who's young and innocent, who's old and cynical. In the end, we're all just sharks in a Sharknado. Let's go home."
"Sharknado" did not deliver.
The cast of "Sharknado" is trapped in a tangled web betrayal and intrigue. Every scene is driven by stunning performances and inspired cinematography. Every frame is a masterclass in film-making; a love letter to the craft.
Ian Ziering is a tormented veteran, struggling to come to terms with the blood on his hands after ordering a mortar strike that went tragically astray--hitting an orphanage for the blind instead of a Bombz-N-Things Terrorist Wholesale Store. There are fights and tearful reconciliations aplenty as Ian realizes that his family can never know his pain; that the love his wife and daughter have is for a man that died on that fateful day in Afghanistan. And who was this new man, this Ian Ziering that stared into the abyss and saw something looking back?
As Ian trudges to the liquor store on a stormy night, the wind begins to rise into a roaring tempest.
"That's a goddamn tornado!" shouts a fleeing tourist. "Everyone, get inside!"
Faced once more with the concept of his own mortality and the frailty of flesh, Ian stands idle as the waterspout approaches land.
"Give me one reason," Ian mumbles. "Come on God. You just give me a damn reason I should get out of the way. Who knows? I just might listen."
Ian's cell phone rings. It's his wife.
"Ian!" she cries, the infamous freight train of tornadic winds buffeting against the receiver. "I've been out looking for you for hours! You have to get inside, for the love of God!"
"Why?" Ian replies. "Let's get it all out there. This is the last chance for both of us."
"Because you're worth it, Ian. Because you're worth caring about. Because your daughter is needs her father. You've changed, but I love you."
The phone is sucked out of Ian's hand, which clenches into a fist.
"Time to move."
Ian makes for a nearby storefront, but he has delayed too long. And this is no ordinary tornado. Indeed, it is a Sharknado.
Using his belt to lasso a light post, Ian hangs on desperately as sharks are launched from the funnel--nature's cruel catapult. The fearsome beasts' strength and dexterity are irrelevant here. Sharks slam into parking lots, break against brick walls, and are delivered into power lines for an excruciating demise. For the shark, there is no mercy but death.
As the Sharknado retreats into the clouds, Ian is left kneeling in a street that is red with chum. His wife appears behind him and crouches--her arms circling his neck.
"God," she whispers. "There's so many dead sharks. They didn't even have a chance. What did these animals do to deserve this?"
Ian sighs and grasps her hand. "This godforsaken world of ours, with all its chaos and unchecked power, doesn't give a damn who deserves what. Who's good, who's evil. Who's young and innocent, who's old and cynical. In the end, we're all just sharks in a Sharknado. Let's go home."
Magazine Cover Sparks Outrage
Bizarro Entertainment- A magazine cover has provoked outrage and calls for boycotts, as the publisher scrambles to clarify their intentions.
"I was horrified," said Ethel Hipbrittle, 93, from her room in Mercy Dementia Home. "How dare they glorify that monster with a front page glamour spread? Now who are you again, dear?"
The saga began when Mercy staff members decided to order prints of archived "Time" magazines and make them available to residents in the recreation room.
"We wanted them to be able to immerse themselves in a time period that isn't so alien. Even if they can't read anymore, the pictures stimulate their long-term memory," explained RN Ivana Gosmoke.
Hipbrittle was leafing through the magazines when she came across an edition from 1933. On the cover was a photograph of Adolph Hitler.
In a fit of outrage, Hipbrittle called her granddaughter and demanded that she tell everyone about the shocking cover "on the Internets."
She also asked why nobody ever came to visit her anymore.
"My grandma told me about this magazine called 'Times' or something," said Bella Hipbrittle, 17. "I don't read magazines or stuff, but I know you're only allowed to put sexy people on the cover. And Hitler is just so---ugh. Is he even alive anymore?"
Bella posted a Facebook status update that was received by her thousands of friends. Her viral post soon made its way to Twitter, YouTube, and even Instagram--where users posted tiny pictures of burning copies of "Time" with pretentious Photoshop filters.
Walgreens, CVS, and Rite-Aid moved quickly to pull the magazine from their racks. Several gas stations announced that they planned to protest the "Time" cover by stocking the latest issue behind their copies of Penthouse, Hustler, and Cooking with Paula Dean.
Managing Editor Richard Stengel was bewildered, posting a statement on the front page of the magazine's website.
"This issue featured an important article about the eccentric nationalist named Hitler; who had begun to rise through Germany's political ranks. Furthermore, it was published over 80 years ago. What the hell is even happening? Is this real life?" Stengel wrote.
The embattled magazine has its work cut out for it. Diligent bloggers have found more issues of "Time" featuring Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and OJ Simpson on the cover--which suggests that this controversy won't be ending any time soon.
"I was horrified," said Ethel Hipbrittle, 93, from her room in Mercy Dementia Home. "How dare they glorify that monster with a front page glamour spread? Now who are you again, dear?"
The saga began when Mercy staff members decided to order prints of archived "Time" magazines and make them available to residents in the recreation room.
Hipbrittle was leafing through the magazines when she came across an edition from 1933. On the cover was a photograph of Adolph Hitler.
In a fit of outrage, Hipbrittle called her granddaughter and demanded that she tell everyone about the shocking cover "on the Internets."
She also asked why nobody ever came to visit her anymore.
"My grandma told me about this magazine called 'Times' or something," said Bella Hipbrittle, 17. "I don't read magazines or stuff, but I know you're only allowed to put sexy people on the cover. And Hitler is just so---ugh. Is he even alive anymore?"
Bella posted a Facebook status update that was received by her thousands of friends. Her viral post soon made its way to Twitter, YouTube, and even Instagram--where users posted tiny pictures of burning copies of "Time" with pretentious Photoshop filters.
Walgreens, CVS, and Rite-Aid moved quickly to pull the magazine from their racks. Several gas stations announced that they planned to protest the "Time" cover by stocking the latest issue behind their copies of Penthouse, Hustler, and Cooking with Paula Dean.
Managing Editor Richard Stengel was bewildered, posting a statement on the front page of the magazine's website.
"This issue featured an important article about the eccentric nationalist named Hitler; who had begun to rise through Germany's political ranks. Furthermore, it was published over 80 years ago. What the hell is even happening? Is this real life?" Stengel wrote.
The embattled magazine has its work cut out for it. Diligent bloggers have found more issues of "Time" featuring Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and OJ Simpson on the cover--which suggests that this controversy won't be ending any time soon.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
"The View" Delights with New Panelist
Bizarro Television Bureau- In a decision that surprised absolutely no one, “The View” revealed that their vacant chair would be filled by British Professor Athene Donald, 60, who retired from her position at Cambridge University to pursue a career in television.
“I have not left my passion for experimental physics behind,” said Donald. “I consider this a new lecture hall, and these esteemed women are my capable peers.”
Professor Donald emerged to a standing ovation and exchanged embraces with her cast-mates before launching into a rousing discussion about current events and popular culture. The always-provocative Whoopi Goldburg was quick to put Donald through her paces.
“I read your research on the universal features in the structure of starch granules, so it’s clear you know your botany,” Whoopi began. “In the Trayvon Martin case, the defense cross-examined a key witness for the prosecution and insisted that it was impossible to identify the sound of a phone hitting wet grass with enough certainty to qualify as valid testimony. They portrayed this as a lie so that they could diminish the legitimacy of her testimony, obviously. As a person who has examined the relationship between synthetic materials and organic soft matter, do you feel that the defense was correct?”
That hot-button conversation segued into a discussion about what might be done to assist the wounded victims of the Boston Marathon terrorist attacks.
“Not to overreach into the realm of science fiction, but are synthetic augmentations a possibility for these people in the near future?” posited Joy Behar.
Executive Producer Barbara Walters was optimistic about the show’s future during our post-taping interview.
“We were sad to lose Elisabeth Hasselbeck to NASA, but theoretical physics was her passion. I had to let her spread her wings,” said a beaming Walters. “Athena is a lovely conversationalist, and you’d better believe she has a place in ‘The View’ sisterhood.”
The new cast of “The View” returns tomorrow with a discussion of Honey Boo Boo and protein aggregation.
“I have not left my passion for experimental physics behind,” said Donald. “I consider this a new lecture hall, and these esteemed women are my capable peers.”
Professor Donald emerged to a standing ovation and exchanged embraces with her cast-mates before launching into a rousing discussion about current events and popular culture. The always-provocative Whoopi Goldburg was quick to put Donald through her paces.
“I read your research on the universal features in the structure of starch granules, so it’s clear you know your botany,” Whoopi began. “In the Trayvon Martin case, the defense cross-examined a key witness for the prosecution and insisted that it was impossible to identify the sound of a phone hitting wet grass with enough certainty to qualify as valid testimony. They portrayed this as a lie so that they could diminish the legitimacy of her testimony, obviously. As a person who has examined the relationship between synthetic materials and organic soft matter, do you feel that the defense was correct?”
That hot-button conversation segued into a discussion about what might be done to assist the wounded victims of the Boston Marathon terrorist attacks.
“Not to overreach into the realm of science fiction, but are synthetic augmentations a possibility for these people in the near future?” posited Joy Behar.
Executive Producer Barbara Walters was optimistic about the show’s future during our post-taping interview.
“We were sad to lose Elisabeth Hasselbeck to NASA, but theoretical physics was her passion. I had to let her spread her wings,” said a beaming Walters. “Athena is a lovely conversationalist, and you’d better believe she has a place in ‘The View’ sisterhood.”
The new cast of “The View” returns tomorrow with a discussion of Honey Boo Boo and protein aggregation.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Dave Matthews Band Concert Barely Averted
Bizarro Hershey, PA (BP)- A community is sending their thanks to a woman who refused to give Dave Matthews a ride to his show after he became stranded while riding his bicycle.
Emily Kraus and her boyfriend were on their way to attend an event that was actually interesting when they saw a man walking his bicycle down the shoulder of the road.
“Instant douche-chills,” said Kruas. “There was this balding guy walking a bike along a busy road, forcing everyone that actually had somewhere to be to swerve around him. And then my boyfriend’s like, ‘Oh God, that’s Dave Matthews isn’t it? Don’t make eye contact.’”
Emily had a better idea. She pulled to the side of the road, several yards away from the singer, and waited for him to approach.
“He was listening to something on his headphones, and the whole time he’s coming up to me he’s dancing and doing that scat-singing thing along with the music. Who even does that in public?”
The couple waited until Matthews was mere feet away from their car before speeding off, inciting the frontman to throw hackysacks at them as they pulled away.
The concert was cancelled, allowing dozens of relieved Bizarro Hershey residents to avoid really awkward and boring dates they had planned with criminally bland people out of desperation or pity. Matthews was eventually found outside of a bus station singing for change. He did not have a cell phone, as Matthews believes the 4G signal disrupts his Chi energy (ughhhhhhhhhhh).
“He sounded like an Adam Sandler character,” said Officer Brick Punchstone, who found Matthews and returned him to his handlers. “His people actually asked if I could take him back to the bus station.
Emily Kraus and her boyfriend were on their way to attend an event that was actually interesting when they saw a man walking his bicycle down the shoulder of the road.
“Instant douche-chills,” said Kruas. “There was this balding guy walking a bike along a busy road, forcing everyone that actually had somewhere to be to swerve around him. And then my boyfriend’s like, ‘Oh God, that’s Dave Matthews isn’t it? Don’t make eye contact.’”
Emily had a better idea. She pulled to the side of the road, several yards away from the singer, and waited for him to approach.
“He was listening to something on his headphones, and the whole time he’s coming up to me he’s dancing and doing that scat-singing thing along with the music. Who even does that in public?”
The couple waited until Matthews was mere feet away from their car before speeding off, inciting the frontman to throw hackysacks at them as they pulled away.
The concert was cancelled, allowing dozens of relieved Bizarro Hershey residents to avoid really awkward and boring dates they had planned with criminally bland people out of desperation or pity. Matthews was eventually found outside of a bus station singing for change. He did not have a cell phone, as Matthews believes the 4G signal disrupts his Chi energy (ughhhhhhhhhhh).
“He sounded like an Adam Sandler character,” said Officer Brick Punchstone, who found Matthews and returned him to his handlers. “His people actually asked if I could take him back to the bus station.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)