Bizarro Post Obituaries: Actor Paul Walker, 40, died in a car crash in Santa Clarita, CA on Saturday. Walker is best known for his lead role in the wildly successful "Fast and the Furious" series, which left such an indelible footprint in American culture that the Department of Justice decided to name their Mexican gun charity program after it. He is survived by his daughter, Meadow.
There. That's all you jackasses had to write. It was really that simple. Yet somehow I ended up having to fire no less than fifteen editors for writing things like: "Police say that Walker was driving with excessive speed and ferocity, which contributed to his loss of control."
A man died. A father died.
"Oh boss! I couldn't resist! It was just too perfect!"
No, idiot, it's low-hanging fruit that spits in the face of journalistic integrity. And I swear to God on His golden throne, if I hear one more of you assholes misuse the word "ironic" I'm going to do things to you that will be unanimously condemned by the United Nations. Yes, that includes America and Israel., This is a coincidence, not irony. Goddamn Alanis Morrisette for what she's done to our society.
I'm disgusted by all of you. Do yourself a favor and avoid me for a few days.
Showing posts with label Obituary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obituary. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Billy Graham Presents the Billy Graham Birthday with Billy Graham
Bizarro Post How Is This Not An Obituary Bureau- Having recited the requisite arcane incantations that mortal lips were never meant to utter, Billy Graham has clawed his way to yet another year of quasi-life.
Among the 800 attendees of this event will the be walking monument to unwarranted self-importance Donald Trump, and 2008 Commission to Elect Barack Obama spokeswoman Sarah Palin.
The event will be held at the Billy Graham Library, which is the centerpiece of the Billy Graham pilgrimage tour and pride of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. This multi-million dollar facility is a testament to the gospel of Christ, who told many parables about the importance of building a massive media and tourist empire devoted to your personal glory in the hopes that you can intertwine faith in Jesus with your multinational business venture and build brand loyalty.
Trivia: Graham's wife initially refused to be buried at the library, but eventually became too not-alive to continue protesting. There's also an animatronic cow. Because why the hell not?
Members of the media will not be invited. No word as to whether this has to do with his assertions about the "stranglehold" Jews had on the media, according to his secretly recorded conversations with Richard Nixon in 1972. The BGEA has apologized for these comments, citing that when you breathed the same air as Richard Nixon for too long a lot of inner demons tended to manifest themselves.
Among the 800 attendees of this event will the be walking monument to unwarranted self-importance Donald Trump, and 2008 Commission to Elect Barack Obama spokeswoman Sarah Palin.
The event will be held at the Billy Graham Library, which is the centerpiece of the Billy Graham pilgrimage tour and pride of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. This multi-million dollar facility is a testament to the gospel of Christ, who told many parables about the importance of building a massive media and tourist empire devoted to your personal glory in the hopes that you can intertwine faith in Jesus with your multinational business venture and build brand loyalty.
Trivia: Graham's wife initially refused to be buried at the library, but eventually became too not-alive to continue protesting. There's also an animatronic cow. Because why the hell not?
Members of the media will not be invited. No word as to whether this has to do with his assertions about the "stranglehold" Jews had on the media, according to his secretly recorded conversations with Richard Nixon in 1972. The BGEA has apologized for these comments, citing that when you breathed the same air as Richard Nixon for too long a lot of inner demons tended to manifest themselves.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Bizarro Hollywood Blitzekrieg! October, 2013
Chris Brown: A Bundle of Joy for a Bundle of Rage?
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
As Kanye West skyrocketed into superstardom, his ego seemed to be growing even faster. It was a grey goo, threatening to swallow the world with its voracious appetite But with the birth of Kanye's daughter, North West, the singer's temper began to cool in a hurry. Besides a brief, unrequited declaration of Twitter War against Jimmy Kimmel--which was resolved with a friendly appearance a few weeks later--Kanye West seems to have been genuinely changed by the love he feels for his child.
Perhaps it is this primal cocktail of brain juices that could extinguish the insatiable appetite of Chris Brown's hungry, hungry fists.
Feeling repressed after several weeks without committing felony assault, Chris Brown sacrificed the face of a would-be photobomber to Tysonicus, the Roman God of Contusions.
Bizarro Hollywood fans, what's your take? Would a baby turn Brown's hands from lethal weapons into gentle multi-digited nurturing appendages? Tweet your responses with hashtags or whatever you kids are doing. We weren't going to read them anyway.
That Walk on the Wildside Guy Died
Millions of old people are in legitimate mourning and millions of young people are mourning to be hip after the death of Lou Reed, 71.
"noooooooooo notttttttttt LOU REED 💔" wrote Miley Cyrus with completely genuine sincerity.
Lou Reed only recently completed a collaborative album with thrash metal band Metallica, who did their very best to destroy the lofty reputation Reed had as an elder statesman in the world of rock. The result was Lulu, which sounded like a teenage garage band singer had tricked his senile grandpa into reading lines from a softcore porn novel over poorly mixed power chords.
Experts agree that Lou Reed was good and fuck Metallica.
Justin Beiber Remains Insufferable, Naive Asshole if You Were Still Wondering
Justin Beiber, who has graced us with a couple of months of not doing anything to get attention, has returned with a new unrequited love letter to Eminem entitled Recovery.
"Recovery is too powerful to not be recognized," said Beiber with no sense of irony at all.
The 19-year-old pretends to know jack shit about the heartbreak of ending a legitimate relationship, and also croons about his horrible, terrible recovery from the ravages of smoking marijuana on a bi-weekly basis.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Radical Rapper Riddled with Rounds
Bizarro Post Obituary Bureau- A pioneer in the rap game has been killed in Somalia today. Omar Hammami was 29.
Starting at small clubs in his home state of Alabama, Omar "Al-Amriki" introduced a new style that came to be known as Jihadcore, which was defined by its use of explosion sounds in beats and violent lyrical content. His performances eventually made their way to YouTube, where they garnered a huge audience nearly overnight.
"This shit is hype as fuck!" wrote a critic on the 3 Dope Boyz blog.
As the Youtube links spread like wildfire, offers from avant garde recording studios began to appear in droves. Al-Amriki ultimately signed with the Hez Balla's label and started poppin' off. His hits include Martyr's Paradise, B.O.M.B., and his Somali pirate anthem Boatin' Dirty.
After The Man chased him out of America with a $5 million bounty, Al-Amriki signed on with Al-Shabizzle Records based out of Somalia. But it wasn't long before Omar and his new boss came to blows over creative differences. Al-Shabizzle's "Rocket Propelled Gangsters" stable vowed to put a cap in his ass, and it seems that today somebody has made good on that threat.
Despite his demise, three new albums have just been announced in addition to a greatest hits album, Straight Outta Daphne.
Starting at small clubs in his home state of Alabama, Omar "Al-Amriki" introduced a new style that came to be known as Jihadcore, which was defined by its use of explosion sounds in beats and violent lyrical content. His performances eventually made their way to YouTube, where they garnered a huge audience nearly overnight.
"This shit is hype as fuck!" wrote a critic on the 3 Dope Boyz blog.
As the Youtube links spread like wildfire, offers from avant garde recording studios began to appear in droves. Al-Amriki ultimately signed with the Hez Balla's label and started poppin' off. His hits include Martyr's Paradise, B.O.M.B., and his Somali pirate anthem Boatin' Dirty.
After The Man chased him out of America with a $5 million bounty, Al-Amriki signed on with Al-Shabizzle Records based out of Somalia. But it wasn't long before Omar and his new boss came to blows over creative differences. Al-Shabizzle's "Rocket Propelled Gangsters" stable vowed to put a cap in his ass, and it seems that today somebody has made good on that threat.
Despite his demise, three new albums have just been announced in addition to a greatest hits album, Straight Outta Daphne.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
"That Makes Me Moist" Lady Dead at 92
Bizarro Post Meme Bureau: Helen Thomas, who brought joy to countless people online in her career as an image macro superstar, has died at the age of 92.
"I remember the first time I saw her perform," said imageboard enthusiast Eric Phailguy. "We were talking about new details of 'The Dark Knight', when the first screenshots of The Joker appeared. This guy posted her and I was like, 'Right-click, save as!'"
Little is known about the amorous elder prior to her debut online, though unconfirmed reports suggest she asked people questions--probably about "personal humidity". But when she hit the scene, the damp diva became a staple of image macro aficionados. Just as no toolkit is complete without a robust roll of duct tape, no reaction folder had reached its full potential until Helen arrived.
On behalf of the Bizarro Post, farewell my muggy madam. You've made us all moist today*.
*Our eyes. It's our eyes that are moist.
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