Bizarro New York City (BP)- A group of motorcyclists are being heralded as heroes after saving a family under attack by a bee in their Range Rover.
"There's nothing scarier than a bee in the car with your family," said biker Jimmy Rockwell. "It could sting you, it could sting someone you care about, it could cause you to make a critical mistake behind the wheel. You've got to take drastic action in those circumstances."
Attendees of the Hollywood Block Party rally happened to notice a driver in distress as they passed by, frantically swatting at a furious bee bouncing against his windshield. Without hesitation, they sprung into action, surrounding the SUV to help the driver stay in his lane.
"Thank God for those guys," the driver said after the ordeal was finally over. "The bee could have come flying in from anywhere, and I was so disoriented. But the sounds of their obnoxious engines kept me pointed in the right direction the whole time."
At last, the Range Rover was brought to a stop. The family wasn't our of the woods yet.
Stingologist Dr. Michelle Brennan explains. "One of the most dangerous things you can do in a bee crisis involving a moving vehicle is to stop! The momentum of the car tends to push the insect towards the back window, but stopping could perhaps fling the assailant right at you."
Unfortunately for the Range Rover residents, that's precisely what happened. The bikers took drastic action, smashing the driver's side window open in an attempt to draw the bee towards the fresh air and away from its hostages. Sadly, their tactic backfired. The bee had indeed gone towards the window, but was intercepted by the driver's hair, where it became stuck.
"GET IT OFF!? OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS STINGING!" the man could be heard screaming as he endured the wrath of the bee, Mother Nature's hate letter to mankind.
Our brave bikers would not be cowed by this terrifying act of unprovoked violence. Helmets and boots became weapons, thirsty for bee blood (it's acid, you know!). Within seconds, the villain was nothing more than a fuzzy pile of paste. Sadly, the victory came with a price. The driver suffered many wounds to his head during the attempt to save him.
"It was painful, chaotic," the driver recalled from his hospital bed. "But when it comes to a full-on bee attack, hesitation can kill. I'm so thankful that my family was at least spared. God put those bikers there to protect us, I just know it!"
Biker Eddie Parsons chuckled at the idea. "I don't know if guardian angels are allowed to do some of the stuff I do in my spare time. But if I can help a guy out of a dangerous situation, by God, I'm going it. America needs that now more than ever, you know?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- A new super hero patrols the streets of Detroit, looking to dispense justice whenever it's needed. He doesn't wear a mask, a uniform, or a cape. In fact, he usually doesn't wear anything at all. His name? The PCP Avenger!
"I was robbing this guy with my trusty knife, Little Stabby," inmate Carl Redden recalls. "All the sudden, I hear this banging noise, and there's this naked dude punching holes in a wood fence nearby. Bare hands!"
Redden's victim called out to the mighty stranger for help. After taking some time to rub a rusty nail across his inner thigh, The PCP Avenger charged into the fray. Redden frantically stabbed at the fearless hero, but the wounds had no effect. Mere seconds after the fight began, The Avenger stood victorious.
"I was so thankful!" said the robbery victim, who did not wish to be identified. "This guy was a stone cold badass! I didn't even mind when he started dry humping me with his bloody torso!"
Many more sightings of The PCP Avenger followed; along with tales of his incredible acrobatic skills and superhuman strength. Detroit's criminal underworld lived in constant terror. Police, however, were not impressed.
"This guy is a vigilante, plain and simple. There's no room for vigilantes in Detroit," said Detroit Police spokesman Lt. James Morris. "Not unless you're a properly licensed bounty hunter. If you are, for the love of God, please help. We can't pay you with money, but we've got come metal scraps that've gotta be worth something."
The wild-eyed warrior may not be the hero Detroit deserves, but it's the one they need right now. From all of us here at the Bizarro Post, we salute you, PCP Avenger!
Showing posts with label Chicken Soup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chicken Soup. Show all posts
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Dogs and Douchebags
Wild Dogs Get New "Leash" on Life
Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.
African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.
"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."
These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.
"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."
Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.
Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.
"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."
Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.
Vegans Come in First(-World)
Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.
"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.
It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.
The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:
WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.
WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.
WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.
WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.
We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.
The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.
Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.
African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.
"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."
These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.
"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."
Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.
Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.
"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."
Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.
Vegans Come in First(-World)
Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.
"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.
It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.
The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:
WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.
WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.
WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.
WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.
We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.
The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Football, Fallout, and the Friendless
Football Phenom Finally Free
Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.
Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.
"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"
Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."
The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.
"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."
With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.
"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"
True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.
"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.
"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"
St.John wearily objected.
"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"
In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.
"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."
"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.
"Yeah, yeah. What you said."
As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.
"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"
The court fell silent.
"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.
Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.
"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"
These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.
"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."
With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.
Nelson Builds Nuclear Families
Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.
Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.
The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.
"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.
One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.
"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."
The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."
A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.
"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"
As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.
After all, an armed society is a polite society.
Residents Eye Quiet Guy
Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.
"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."
The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.
"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.
As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.
Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.
Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.
"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"
Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."
The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.
"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."
With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.
"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"
True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.
"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.
"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"
St.John wearily objected.
"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"
In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.
"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."
"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.
"Yeah, yeah. What you said."
As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.
"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"
The court fell silent.
"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.
Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.
"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"
These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.
"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."
With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.
Nelson Builds Nuclear Families
Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.
Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.
The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.
"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.
One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.
"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."
The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."
A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.
"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"
As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.
After all, an armed society is a polite society.
Residents Eye Quiet Guy
Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.
"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."
The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.
"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.
As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight
Man Happy With Cable Provider
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Chicken Soup: Treachery, Tactics, and Tubes
North Korea Casts Tragic Missile
Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.
"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"
Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.
"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.
A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."
The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.
Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.
"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.
National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.
The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."
Teen Hears "Call of Duty"
Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.
Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.
"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."
Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.
"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."
As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.
"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."
Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.
"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."
His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.
"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."
Billionaire Boob's Tube
Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.
The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.
The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.
Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.
"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."
Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.
Bizarro Post DPRK Bureau- Intercontinental missiles displayed at a July 27th military rally in the streets of Pyongyang, which is the only thing that ever happens in the streets of Pyongyang, have been identified as hilariously inept fakes.
"Look at them!" shouted defense secretary Chuck Hagel. "Look at them and laugh!"
Despite countless simpering wimps cringing in terror at the possibility of North Korea obtaining a long-rage missile, their research and development of weapons that other superpowers have had for years is sadder than a homeless man watching his birthday cake being stomped on. After attempting to launch a satellite into orbit and missing the GODDAMN SKY, Kim Jong-Un was said to have unhinged his jaw and swallowed missile program manager Pak To-Ch'un.
"Hahaha, sucks to be that guy!" remarked Alexandre Mansourov, Korea expert from Johns Hopkins.
A spokesman for North Korea's U.N. mission insisted, "North Korea missile is best Korea missile."
The most striking evidence of fraud in July's parade can be seen on the exterior of the "weapons". No two missiles are the same, and have hatches and nozzles that in no way correspond with those of genuine ICBMs. The serial numbers imply that there are dozens more just like them stored somewhere in the secretive Communist nation, which is just adorable.
Space and missile expert James Oberg also pointed to the lumpy sheathe of cheap metal masquerading as a nosecone. Even minor imperfections in the nose of a rocket can cause disintegration due to localized drag.
"North Korea has an ICBM in the same way that a toddler with Hotwheels has a Maserati and a Batmobile," said Oberg, wheezing for breath between uncontrollable gigglefits.
National Security Council Asian affairs associate David Cho suggested that this display of mandatory-attendance make-believe was intended to shift America's attention back to North Korea, perhaps to negotiate for more aide from their self-declared mortal enemy. Unfortunately for the Juche, the Nerf gun brandishing is unlikely to take precedent over the crisis in Egypt.
The Obama Administration has suggested that "maybe they'll send Kim Jong-Un a few crates of ice cream" if he behaves himself while the grown-ups talk about issues concerning North Africa and the Middle-East. This is unlikely to placate the dictator, as "maybe" always means "no."
Teen Hears "Call of Duty"
Bizarro Saint Joseph, LA (BP)- A 14-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero after thwarting a dangerous trio holding hostages at the Saint Joe State Bank.
Jeremy Frink went with his mother, Harriet Frink, to open a savings account to save for college; despite Jeremy's objections over wanting the money for the upcoming "Call of Duty: Ghosts". Suddenly, three masked men burst into the building and shot an armed security guard before ordering patrons to the floor.
"I was terrified. These guys were completely ruthless," said Harriet. "And then my son began to crawl on his stomach towards the security guard while they were bullying the tellers."
Once he reached the downed guard, Jeremy grabbed the guard's handgun and a miniature Swiss Army Knife from the man's keychain. Checking the cylinder of the commandeered .38 special, Jeremy was annoyed to find only two rounds. It would have to be enough.
"I kept trying to call out to him to stop. He was going to get himself killed," Harriet recalled. "But he just kept mouthing 'radio silence' to me over and over."
As Jeremy extended the tiny blade and began approaching the front counter, one of the assailants spotted the boy's reflection moving across the marble floor. Before the crook could alert the others, the Swiss Army Knife spun into his right eye socket. The other two suspects were yelling so loudly, they never heard their friend's body crumple to the floor. Jeremy then lifted the gun and took the remaining thugs out with a single shot to the head.
"They never knew what hit them," said bank teller Stacey Paul, brushing the brain giblets from her polo shirt. "It was some Seal Team Six stuff."
Jeremy Frink, having shown heroism and tactical skill far beyond his years, was modest.
"A stealth-kill followed by a couple headshots is pretty standard procedure," said Jeremy. "If there had been more robbers, my K/D ratio would have been much higher."
His tactical skills and indifference to violence came from thousands of hours spent in online skirmishes with other players in "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" and "Battlefield 3". Even at the age of 12, Jeremy was ganking noobs at a post-high-school level.
"Thank God for violent video games," said Saint Joseph Chief of Police Ron Edmonson. "If he hadn't developed that steady aim and and killer instinct, things might have ended far differently. We'd be honored if that young man decided to wear our badge when he's old enough."
Billionaire Boob's Tube
Bizarro Post Technology Bureau- Today, while everyone else was working their asses off for chicken feed, privileged billionaire douchebag Elon Musk drew a picture of a choo-choo, and he wants America to put it on its collective fridge.
The completely batshit new transportation scheme is called "Hyperloop", and it involves a cylinder-shaped vehicle moving through a pressurized tube at incredible speeds. According to its delusional jackass of a designer, a commute from San Francisco to Los Angeles would take no longer than half an hour.
The schematics that Musk released Monday revealed a system prone to catastrophic failure when serving overweight passengers, and the entire structure would represent an astronomical expense that would likely yield very little return. What's more, Hyperloop's functions are dependent on there never being earthquakes, tornadoes, sink holes, terrorist attacks, wildfires, and other shit that happens constantly.
Musk has promised to deliver a prototype whenever he manages to catch a break from applying sunscreen to supermodels. Afterwards, he expects some other poor dumbass to foot the bill for his boyish fantasies. So far, every construction firm capable of engineering a project of that magnitude have given Musk's plans a shiny gold star and said that it was really special and he's a very clever lad--not realizing that Elon Musk is totally a grown-ass man.
"I'm just putting this out there as an open source design," Musk said in an interview with Businessweek. "I was hoping maybe someone else could do all the buildy, designy stuff."
Sure, you pretentious manchild. We'll get right on that.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Thinning, Winning, and Learning
Man Loses Weight, Still Ugly
Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.
"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."
And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.
"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.
Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.
"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."
When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."
Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.
"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.
His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.
"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."
Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.
"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.
When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."
Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.
"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."
UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.
"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.
"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."
Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial
Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.
On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"
On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."
And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."
"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"
The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.
"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF! How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"
Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.
"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."
And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.
"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."
New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age
Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.
After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".
Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.
"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."
In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.
"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"
"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"
This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.
If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!
If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil
And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!
So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!
"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"
Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.
"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"
"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.
Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!
Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*
*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).
Bizarro Birmingham, AL (BP)- Richard Wright, 34, is used to getting critical stares in public, being jeered behind his back, and being terminally single. For most of his life, food was his only friend.
"The sugar, the salt, I couldn't get enough. It was a high," said Wright. "It was when I reached 300 pounds that I knew it had gone too far."
And so, without the money for surgical remedies, Wright took his first step down a long and difficult road to reclaim his dignity the old-fashioned way. Candy and desserts were forbidden. Every day the menu was restricted to oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, and a baked chicken breast for dinner.
"Giving up the bad foods wasn't that bad. I mean, if you prepare healthy stuff the right way it can taste great. But the exercise was what got to me," Wright explained.
Swallowing his self-consciousness, Wright joined Platinum Gym to use their cardio machines. It wasn't long before he was asked to leave by the gym's manager.
"He seemed as embarrassed as I was when he asked me to leave. He told me that some female members were creeped out. I mean, I never made eye contact with anyone. My eyes were on the floor the whole time, because I didn't want to see people watch me struggle to do basic exercises."
When asked for comment, the Platinum Gym manager, Brock Deadlift, shook his head. "I'll never judge a person who's making an honest effort, and I could see that he was. The first few complaints got dismissed, because I knew he was just minding his own business. But eventually they hit corporate, and it was out of my hands."
Wright took his workout home, doing the best he could with makeshift weights created with a duffle bag and socks filled with gravel. Though Wright was cynical about the primitive fitness system's effectiveness, months of tireless effort suddenly began to pay off. Muscles filled out in his arms, and his belly and thighs melted away.
"I'll never forget the first time I saw that faint six-pack," said Wright, patting his stomach.
His devotion to fitness didn't stop when he achieved a normal weight and BMI. With a strict adherence to his regimen, Wright was soon swole as all hell.
"Yeah, he looks like a friggin pro-wrestler now," said Richard's father, Stan Wright. "If he put on one of them Mexican wrestler masks, he could probably pull some tail."
Richard's neighbors took notice too. Clarissa Splainsinall, 33, has lived across the hall from Richard's apartment for three years.
"I've seen him going out to swim laps, no shirt and everything. He's really pulled it together," said Splainsinall.
When asked about potential chemistry with the new and improved Richard Wright, Clarissa clenched her teeth before responding. "Look, I mean, he's a lot healthier now. But Steve Buscemi isn't fat either, and well--you know--it is how it is."
Continued lack of luck with the ladies hasn't gotten Wright down, though.
"I love this body, you know. It's what every man secretly dreams of," mumbled Wright, who spent much of our interview staring down at his mighty pectoral muscles as he twitched them manually. "I'm great. Just really awesome. Life is everything I want it to be. And if the brim on my hat is big enough, nobody can see my face anyway."
UPDATE: The coroner believes that Richard Wright, who was found deceased at his home shortly after this report was filed, intentionally hoisted a massive bag of landscaping gravel above his head using a homemade pulley system before dropping it.
"The face was obliterated, and there were no fingerprints on file. Based on his genetic profile, I can say with absolute certainty that the deceased is Richard Wright," said medical examiner Dr. Amanda Gein.
"I don't actually know what his face looked like since all of the photos in his home had the head blacked out with marker," Dr. Gein continued. "But I'll say this, based on what I've seen the world has lost an unbelievably hot guy. I would have given him those digits in a second. Hell, any straight woman would. God only knows why he'd waste it all by smashing his skull into a fine paste."
Local Man Triumphant in Global Warming Denial
Bizarro Atlanta, GA (BP)- When it comes to the topic of climate change, Jim Robinson, 62, isn't afraid to speak his mind. The Facebook page for WATL-TV News is his favorite forum of all.
On an article about shrinking glaciers:
"IT'S NATERAL!!!!! libtards and demonrats want us to forgot the ice age! it gets cold and then hot again that is the way god made the earth and that is how it is IDIOTS!"
On an article about declining polar bear populations:
"BS...i read an atical [Editor's note: He does not read anything.] about how there is more polar bares than EVER in HISTORY. OBUMMER can't convince me otherwise."
And on an article about a local spelling bee winner:
"how do you spel global warming? L-I-E YOU LIE OBOMBA."
"I know what I know," said Robinson, sitting in front of his yellowed CRT monitor. "This global warming nonsense is just another plan to kill jobs and put people on welfare. Besides, trees eat carbon nioxide (sic). Liberals won't just hug the trees, they'll starve 'em too. Ain't that some shit?"
The consistent failure of Facebook debaters and estranged family members to recognize these common sense principles is a source of endless frustration for "Jim-Rob". But August 8, 2013 was the day that changed everything. Like the mapping of the human genome and the accidental creation of the potato chip, Jim Robinson had something that would altar the course of human civilization.
"I checked the Weather Channel like I always do, and then I saw it. 83 degrees, eff. You know what it was last week? 93 degrees EFF! How in the hell is the globe warmin' when you're losing ten degrees on one Monday and it was so hot on the the other? Checkmate!"
Robinson's gnarled fingers began a flurry of activity, his eyes bright with renewed vigor and fervor. A letter to the editor is made and sent to every major paper's editorial section, all of which are saved in Robinson's Outlook address book. Emails are forwarded to ever child, grandchild, niece, nephew, and even Jim's gay brother who lives in Fresno with his friend Enrique (Enrique also received an email). Naturally, WATL-TV received a heaping helping of home-grown science wizardry as well.
"Feel like I'm walking on the damn moon," beamed Robinson. "You can't argue with something as plain as the nose on your face."
And nobody did. With no replies to his emails and no response from the commentators over on Facebook, his opponents had been forced into a contemplative silence. To top it off, the "Atlanta Coupon Megapack" publication printed his editorial.
"I've spent so many years being angry at just about every damn thing there is," said Robinson. "But now I feel this incredible peace. I think I can finally start living again."
New Children's Show Prepares Kids for a New Age
Bizarro Media Bureau- The adventures of Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are designed to teach children new vocabulary words, social skills, and conflict resolution. But if "Nick and Blue's Braver New World" sounds like your paint-by-numbers kid's show, a look at its engaging futuristic world will leave the cynics speechless.
After viewing an exclusive sneak-peek of the pilot episode, we're already massive fans. And now, here's a ticket to the hypetrain to a "Braver New World".
Nick and Blue are two cheerful (if not slightly bleary-eyed) children growing up in a dystopian future designed to emulate America as it will appear decades from now. This is accomplished by an extensive consultation with speculative-fiction scholars, sociologists, and respected political analysts.
"This isn't like those silly 'kitchens of the future' from the 40's that predicted robot dogs and self-cleaning ovens that actually cleaned themselves," said political science professor Harvey Watson, a consultant for the show. "This is a highly precise depiction of the way things will be, and how children can adapt."
In the capitol of the United States of Wal-Martica, Kochington DC, best friends Double-Click Nick and Blue Ivy North are on their way to school when they encounter a creek of foamy grey sludge flowing across their path.
"Oh no!" cries Nick. "We've got to get across before school begins, or the police will tase us in the spinal cords again!"
"But is it safe to walk through this liquid?" asked Blue before turning to the camera. "Hey kids, can you help us sing the 'OSHA Song?'"
This marks the first of several catchy musical segments, which invites children to sing along.
If it's yellow and smells,
All is well!
Because you see,
It's just pee!
If it's black and on fire,
You'll soon expire!
Your lungs will boil
Near spilled crude oil
And if the fluid that you find is gray,
Tell an adult and then stay far away!
If heavy metal spillage hits your skin,
Your health insurance is voided by this,
Car-cin-o-gen!
So heed our words,
You can't go wrong
When you sing
The OSHA song!
"Gosh, this looks like seepage containing heavy metals," gasps Nick. "But what's a car-cin-o-gen again?"
Vocabulary words are introduced by the word appearing on the screen, segmented by syllables to aid enunciation.
"It's anything that can give you cancer, Nick! But remember, if someone offers you a full list of common carcinogens that Job Creators dump into the drainage system you have to turn them in to the police right away! They're Anarchist operatives!"
"Braver New World" teaches children about upcoming laws and how to respect authority figures that are there to protect them. President Dick Cheney the Everlasting, along with his best friends in the mercenary police forces and national security agencies, help Nick and Blue thwart the evil forces of whistleblowers, union members, and godless European socialists. Virtues such as good citizenship are introduced through strong confident, autocratic law enforcers and--of course--the joy of music.
Uncle Cheney loves us all the most,
His three hearts swell with love!
He keeps an eye on all of us,
With drones that fly above!
Be sure not to miss the premiere that's set to air on CSPAN Kids August 17th at 8:00 AM Eastern!*
*Failure to comply increases your risk assessment measurement in the PRISM algorithm by 10.4 TU (Terror Units).
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: The Punishment, The Poems, and The Puppies
Teen Beaten Back to Life
Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.
Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.
"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."
By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.
"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."
Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.
For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.
Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.
Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"
Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"
Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.
"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."
The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.
"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."
Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."
The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers
Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.
"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.
The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.
"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"
Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.
"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."
For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:
Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster
That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers
"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."
But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.
The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.
NSA Puppy Parade
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.
"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.
Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell
phone and not modified, they sometimes contain unobscured faces, license plates, and other information that could be used to facilitate identity theft.
"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"
Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.
Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.
"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."
By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.
"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."
Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.
For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.
Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.
Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"
Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"
Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.
"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."
The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.
"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."
Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."
The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers
Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.
"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.
The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.
"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"
Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.
"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."
For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:
Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster
That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers
"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."
But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.
The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.
NSA Puppy Parade
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.
"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.
Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell
"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul
Man Mows Without Shirt, Gives No Shits
Bizarro Ardmore, OK- Richard Prower, 57, is well aware of his morbid obesity, but he isn't letting that stop him from mowing his lawn while shirtless.
"It's hot outside," he said, pausing to brush away droplets of sweat that were soaking into his shoulder hair. "Nothing illegal about a man working on his own property without a shirt. I'd probably do it anyway if it were illegal."
As often as three times a week, Prower dons a pair of of jean shorts, long tube socks, and sandals to maintain his carefully groomed yard. Neighbors appreciate his beautification of their community, but aren't sure what to think about his trembling torso.
"I'm not totally sure what to say," said neighbor Dora D. Esplora. "I mean, it's totally his right. It's not obscene, per say. But that giant surgical scar on his sternum is kind of gross. Plus he's got this weird halo of hair around his nipples."
Dee Swanson, head of the local Homeowners' Association, shuffled her feet when asked about Prower's garish gardening garments. "I know how to pick battles, and I'm not picking that one."
According to Prower, he doesn't care all that much about the stares.
"I'm not George Clooney. So what, you think I don't know that? If they don't want to look, the good Lord gave 'em plenty of other things to stare at outside."
Late Breaking: Teen Elected Prom Queen, Beats Disabled Student by One Vote
Bizarro Champaign, IL- Champaign Central High senior Sharon Akers, 18, made waves on YouTube after a friend posted an emotional video of her winning the title of Prom Queen against steep odds.
The event took place during an assembly in early May at the CCHS gymnasium. Akers' friend, Nora Wilks, recorded it all on her cell phone.
"I was so excited at the time, I forgot that I had even recorded the whole thing," Wilks said. "When I was clearing out my phone, I found it and knew that I had something special."
The contestants were tense as they stood together on stage, their peers looking on and snapping pictures. Two of the candidates were total sluts, and had no chance. Sharon only had one serious competitor; a special education student named Kimberly Myers.
"She has Downs Syndrome and three fingers on each hand," said Sharon. "As soon as the special education teacher nominated her, I knew there was a really serious chance I could get stomped."
But the race was far from over, and Sharon had not yet begun to fight. A political action committee was formed, The Committee to Crown Sharon Akers, and an aggressive campaign was orchestrated by students like A.V. Club President Leonard Belcher.
"After [Sharon] promised to let me kiss her, I was intrigued. When she said 'with tongue', I knew that I would become her strongest advocate," said Belcher.
Leornard unleashed the full force of his A.V. Club's substantial media machine. Posters with slogans like "DOWN WITH DOWNS!" were slipped into every locker. Video from a concealed camera appeared on Facebook, which appeared to show Kimberly picking her nose and wiping it on a cafeteria table.
Akers was pleased."We thought 'Boogergate' would be enough, but we had to be sure."
In exchange for promises of third-base, morning announcement pundit Mick Savage pledged his support.
"I'm just asking. Where did Kimberly get that extra chromosome? Did she steal it? Did she get it from Obama's constant handouts? I've worked my fingers to the bone, and nobody's offered me an extra one!" said Savage during a morning announcement.
As Sharon Akers stood on that solemn stage, she was plagued with doubt. Had it all been for nothing? Had she done enough? Would Mick Savage tell someone about her third nipple?
"Ladies and gentlemen," shouted Glee Club president Joey Patton. "I have the results, and Oh. My. God."
The audience was now completely silent.
"The winner, by one vote, is Sharon Akers!"
Cheers and jubilation exploded as the crowd jumped to their feet.
"I thought it was over," sobbed Sharon into Patton's extended microphone. "But you showed the world that the allure of 'Today Show' appearances and 'sympathy' couldn't beat the power of popularity! Go Maroons!"
As this reporter watched her story come to a fairytale ending, I couldn't help but agree.
Go Maroons.
Repo Man Makes a Difference
Bizarro Lydia, SC- In the life of a repossession agent, seizing vehicles from rural communities is a common scenario. Bob Starnes, 45, received that very assignment in Bizarro Lydia, South Carolina.
"Since vehicle repo jobs are so high-risk, we try not to pull the trigger on them unless it's as clear as crystal the guy doesn't plan to pay another cent of what he owes," said Starnes, who works on behalf of several companies as a freelancer.
The risk is indeed high. Seizing a car from a stranger's driveway under any circumstances won't win you a new friend, and the fatal shooting of a repo man in Bizarro Sumter was looming large in Starnes' mind as he approached the residence of George Stanton.
"I've perfected my technique when it comes to 'tow-and-go' jobs. You usually get caught partway through, but you try to avoid it when you can."
Stanton's blue Nissan Titan slid towards the ramp of Starnes' truck, the growl of the engine and crackling of gravel masking the footsteps approaching from the rear.
"He was on top of me before I knew it, and his arms circled me and squeezed."
Starnes reached for the bear mace on his hip, but froze when he heard what the man was shouting.
"He just kept saying 'thank you' over and over. Didn't know what to make of it. Guy had 'meth' written all over him, though. Open sores and the like."
As Stanton babbled questions, Starnes did his best to answer them. What day was it? The 17th. What month? July.
"He was reeling around like I had just told him aliens were invading, And then George starts to explain himself."
The toothless tweaker went on to say that the repossession of his car made it clear that change was finally about to happen.
"I guess he finally realized that drugs had a price he hadn't counted on," said Starnes. "He won't be getting his teeth back I'd imagine, but I hope it's not too late for him to get clean. You should have seen how he waved as I pulled away with his truck. His arm was like a dog's tail after he sees his master for the first time in months."
Bob Starnes' hopes were realized. George Stanton was seen in town weeks later looking like a new man. He landed a decent job at a nearby auto shop, and began teaching Sunday school at New Hope Baptist Assembly. Stanton lost a truck, and gained a new lease on life. Stanton declined a phone interview, but sent a brief email to our home office.
"Thank God for him," wrote Stanton. "I hope it's over quick for that poor man."
UPDATE: It turns out that the truck was possessed by an elder demon from the boiling heart of the Dimmuborgir that feeds on vital essences with its sharp proboscis and creates cursed jewelry with the teeth of its thrall. After several months of feeding, the drained husk is served to the Lord of Worms as a boon. Once sated, the Worm will refrain from devouring the rotting carcass of human civilization for nine years, ten months, and three days. We thank Bob Starnes for this offering, however involuntary it may have been.
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