Editorial: Gan Dainor White-Splains the Redskins

Gan Dainor is an obese white man who really wants you to know that what doesn't offend him should never offend you, and that what offends him should be banned by law and punishable by lengthy incarceration.

Political parties are fighting in D.C., but journalists have decided that the most critical issue facing America is the name of a football team! Which is just ridiculous, since everyone knows you can only be concerned about one thing at any given time. My psychiatrist calls it a "serious disorder." I call it "laser-focused cognition."

What's in a name? When it comes to the Redskins, The Washington Post has devoted a lot of ink to editorials roasting the name as racist and indefensible. In fact, they used 31,000 words this year alone! That's seven times the words that are in the U.S. Constitution (proof positive that the writers are Hitler-loving Communists). But most Americans, and by "most Americans" I mean me because I'm projecting myself on all of you, are not offended by the name.

Naturally, everyone critical of the name has labeled people like me, and Most Americans by proxy, as racists. This is typical of liberals, who have appointed themselves the arbiters of all morality. It's also why I have to go out of my way to tell you what Most Americans really think, and why you deserve to be beaten mercilessly for disagreeing.

Mike Wise makes no bones about his support of Race Thugging (I made that one myself! It's provocative, yet factual.). "Trying to enlighten [Most Americans] is like trying to enlighten your half-cocked, old-head uncle who uses racial epithets at Thanksgiving dinner. At some point, you either let him eat or kick him out." Wow, getting uncomfortable about your racist grandpa shouting about Jews drinking baby blood during Thanksgiving dinner? Who's the real bigot, liberals? The Dainor family has never let a single Thanksgiving pass without playing a rousing game of Madlibs: The Strom Thurmond Edition.

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder has used actual logic to defend his team's name, not white guilt. In 1932, four players and the head coach were Native Americans! And if you can think of a more racially aware time in American history, I dare you to name it!

The bottom line is that the media is once again attempting mind control. They're writing these editorials in an attempt to convince you that their point of view is the correct one, and that's just sick. The same liberals that labeled "Piss Christ" a work of art now rail against a sports team with a terrible, terrrrrible nammmeee!

Let's be honest. America has been extremely kind to Native Americans. We gave them blankets, liquor, and guns. Our military guided them on a scenic and beautiful hike to the heartland of America, where they thrive to this day. And when are white people going to get THEIR reservations? Huh!? We gave you all that out of the goodness of our hearts! I think you owe us one little racial slur that we're allowed to use. Maybe we'll even forgive you for Custer.

I've seen Pocahantas, Last of the Mohicans, and Disney's Peter Pan dozens of times. It's safe to say that I know more than enough about Native American culture than most liberals will ever forget. And as an expert in their culture, I can tell you they would be proud of an entire NFL team that honors their heritage. If they're not, we gave you your dignity, and we'll sure as heck take it away if you cross We the People. Fair warning, injuns.

Minor League Baseball: Racy Rascals Regarded as Racist

Bizarro Post Racial Justice Bureau- A minor-league baseball team is drawing a lot of heat for their moniker and mascot, but the Harrison County Inbred Horsemolesters are standing their ground against a growing tide of anger.

"It's reprehensible is what it is," said long-time resident of the south Betsy Cline. "They're taking this terrible caricature of me and everyone I care about and parading it around like it's nothing."

The Inbred Horemolesters are new to the minors, and though they've performed pitifully on the diamond, controversy alone has driven their brand to the headlines of whatever media outlet actually cares about minor league baseball. Their mascot Toothless Jim, whose cartoon rendition is the team's logo, is a 13-toed yokel wearing a filthy wifebeater and stained sweatpants. We caught up with him as he smoked something out of a broken light bulb.

"I've done had it with them folks and their ivory tower critimicisms," Jim slurred. "All them elitist city queers playing the race card and attackin' honest people of business like my employer. To hell with them!"

But southern whites show no signs of letting this portrayal of their culture go, vowing to boycott any business that dares to sponsor the team, such as Harrison County's specialty store Bed, Bathsalts, and Beyond. Manager Frank McCarthy was incensed at the attacks on his small business. "It's bad enough that I've got the DEA breathing down my neck over spice, but now I've got a bunch of race-baiting elitists to worry about? Give me a break!"

Are people defending the dignity of white southerners in the right, or are they over-sensitive persecutors of those who enjoy the casual racism guaranteed to us in our nation's God-breathed Constitution? Voice your opinion in our comments section!

(COMMENTS ARE CLOSED FOR THIS ENTRY DUE TO UNTIMELY DEATH OF MODERATOR WHO ACCIDENTALLY OPENED HIS OFFICE WINDOW AND ACCIDENTALLY JUMPED OUT)

Putin Wants Skaters Put on Ice

Bizarro Moscow, Russia (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin, while reviewing preparation efforts for the upcoming Winter Olympics, was stunned when aides showed him a video of past Olympic figure skating competitions.

"Wait, what is this?" shouted Putin, shielding his eyes to prevent the spread of Gay via osmosis. "We will remove this event! It cannot be permitted in a moral society!"

Russia has recently made the creation of "gay propaganda" an offense punishable by law. In the spirit of enforcing this statute, Putin filed a formal request to remove all skating events.

The International Olympic Committee immediately rebuked this request.

"Figure skating and other skating performances are inseparable from the Olympic Winter Games. To insult many of the world's greatest performers by casually dismissing their events is not acceptable to this committee."

President Putin intends to play hardball with male skaters by mandating that they use only "masculine movements" in their routines, and that all male participants must prove their heterosexuality by passionately fondling the armpit hair of Russia's most revered beauty queen, Svetlana Onebrowski.

From the Mouths of Babes: A-Rod, a Little Leaguer Perspective

Bizarro Post Sports Bureau- Today on "From the Mouths of Babes", we ask Little League 3rd baseman Jimmy Florence, 10, about his take on the A-Rod juicing scandal.

Bizarro Post: Thank you for taking a break from "Call of Duty: Modern Facestabber 3" to speak to us.

Jimmy Florence: I was playing "Battleplain 3", idiot.

BP: So Alex Rodriguez is facing some serious penalties for using steroids. What do you think about that?

JF: I don't like cheaters. That's forgetting the important part about basball.

BP: And what would that be?

JF: Having fun and teamwork. That's all that's important.

BP: Wait, I'm sorry, what?

JF: Having fun is what's important!

BP: Jimmy, do you get paid to help your team win games?

JF: I get pizza sometimes. And coach buys ice cream when we win!

BP: Wow, you know what A-Rod got? Millions of goddamn dollars, that's what. You know why he got all that money?

JF: I don't kn--

BP: "To have fun", right wiseass? Here's a reality check that I hope your tiny, undeveloped brain can process: MLB players get paid to win. Not have fun. Not for teamwork. If they're not pulling their weight, their ass is grass. If they're not pulling in the fans, they're job is finished. If their jerseys aren't flying out of the Footlockers, they're worth approximately jack shit. So tell me again, Tiny Tim, what makes your perspective on any of this valid?

JF: You're the one who called me!

BP: No, my chief editor called you. And I called HIM an asshole. You know what I need to do MY job? Zoloft, Xanax, Five Hour Energy Drinks every two hours, and enough Jack Daniels to get three hours of sleep. Who gives a goddamn if some guy ruins his heart and shrinks his junk to be a better athlete? You know why he's doing it?

JF: N-n-no, sir.

BP: To entertain you. To entertain all you little ingrates who want the best, and you want it now, and you don't care how you get it. But yeah, kid. Throw the man under the bus if it makes you feel powerful, makes you feel like the good guy. But I'll bet when Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez, and Mark McGuire were hitting them out of the park hundreds of times a season--I bet you cheered. I bet you clapped, and felt a sense of pride that our great American past-time was still pushing the boundaries of human endurance.

You held that needle, Jimmy. You and everyone else pushed the plunger. And when you were done with them, you tied the noose. And when I finally put that shotgun in my closet under my jaw, it'll be you that pulls the trigger, Jimmy Florence.

You.

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Join us next time on "From the Mouths of Babes" for some more wild and wacky words of wisdom from our nation's youth!

Fracking Leads to Supersoaker Revival

Bizarro Business Bureau- An hour outside of Bizarro Cleveland, the Brigham family were surprised to receive a phone call from international oil company Crude Awakenings. In exchange for being allowed to drill on their land, the Brighams would instantly become the wealthiest people in their rural township.

"We were blown away, you know?" said Adam Brigham, 48. "I saw 'The Beverley Hillbillies' just like anyone else, but I didn't know things like that happened for real. Especially not to me."

Adam discussed the offer with his wife, Gloria Brigham, 46, who was instantly reluctant.

"We needed the money, of course," Gloria said. "But our son showed me a video of a man lighting his tap on fire after they started drilling on his land. What happens when you drink that stuff? And how am I supposed to smoke in the shower anymore?"

Drew Brigham, 14, wasn't told just how much Crude Awakening had offered, but he overheard conversations that left him anticipating big things.

"My first car is going to be badass! And I won't have to settle for the gross chicks for homecoming dances anymore, after I step into class with Air Force Ones and platinum chains. It's gonna be fly as hell! Course, I'm going to tell my parents that I want a college fund."

It wasn't long before Crude Awakenings called again, likely intending to up the pressure and drop hints about imminent domain procedures. But they needn't have bothered. Adam Brigham decided to sell.

Gloria's sudden change of heart sealed the deal. "Drew came up to me in tears with this article from 'Responsible Kids Monthly'. His grandma gets him a subscription for Christmas every year, but I never thought he read it. Drew was so broken up about how he didn't have money to save, and he'd never have enough for school. He was right, I suppose. There was only one way it would ever happen."

The Brigham family's net worth went up, and so too did the drilling rigs. It wasn't long before their worst fears were realized.

Gloria was the first to discover the change. "I was going to surprise the husband with something I saw on the Steve Harvey. He said to put some little candles all up around your bath, and wait for your man to come home from work."

As she lit the first candle, the water in the bathtub exploded. Fortunately for the Brigham's, some of their new wealth had gone towards a robust insurance policy that covered the damage. However, the Brigham family was left without answers.

"We are sorry to hear about Mrs. Brigham immolating her bathtub. Scientists at Crude Awakenings Institute for Complaint Dismissal have determined that it is totally her fault and has nothing to do with any project related to our company and its skilled technicians."

A Spark of Inspiration

Drew, however, was struck by inspiration. He filled his Supersoaker water gun with water from his kitchen tap, and held a lighter to the nozzle while a friend captured the experiment on his cellphone.

"I pulled the trigger, and it was like some 'Call of Duty' shit! I was like, 'Dude, tell me you recorded that!'"

He had. The video went viral on YouTube, and soon the sport of "Extreme Supersoaking" was a nationwide sensation. Thousands of people of all ages turned their neighborhoods into ashen battlefields, delighting the public with intense displays of pyrotechnic prowess.

"It's the most intense experience in action sports," said American Extreme Supersoakers Founder and Chairman Frank Shoemaker. "In between organizing tournaments, I'm taking calls from Viacom, X Games executives, and toy manufacturers wanting to buy the patents to our custom rigs. We're here to stay!"

Crude Awakenings, whose fracking gasholes started it all, approached the sensation with reluctance--at least until the Olympic Committee began mulling a possible event addition for the next series of summer games. 24 hours later, a press release was published on the Crude Awakenings website.

"Our customers have spoken loudly and clearly. We are pleased to announce that Drew 'Firestorm' Brigham has agreed to a Crude Awakenings corporate sponsorship as he prepares to enter the 2013 Regional tournament. Keep an eye out for new swag coming to our online store, and cheer on 'Firestorm' as he chars the competition!"

The tournament, which is scheduled for August 3rd, sold every spectator ticket within five minutes.

President Obama summarized the event in his weekly YouTube address. "America has always been a nation of innovators; not to mention a nation of top-tier athletes. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of our nation like Extreme Supersoaking."

Our words exactly, Mr. President.

Asterisks are for Lawyers. "Turbo" is for Winners.

Bizarro Moviehouse- The cynical may take a glance at “Turbo” and write it off as yet another Dreamworks movie where the entire premise is an animal doing something that an animal doesn’t usually do. They might lament the old and musty trope of an underdog rising through the ranks to beat the villain--who for the sake of narrative convenience is always the most skilled at whatever event the protagonist is trying to master. An abundance of celebrity voicework will inevitably lead to groaning about easy paychecks and attempts to wallpaper over a bland story with starpower. Sure, tossing out all the of the Indy 500’s notoriously uncompromising regulations and allowing a snail to compete would probably require far more effort to explain than Dreamworks was willing to actually put in. Others might point out that allowing a genetically enhanced snail that can travel at obscene speeds to race with Formula 1 cars is like Superman challenging Spiderman to a contest to see who’s the most bulletproof. Latino writers might note that the only Mexican characters in the entire movie sell tacos for a living. Every single one of these observations is true, and by all rights I should condemn “Turbo” for being as lazy as any movie possibly can be when it comes to messaging and storycrafting.

But I won’t.

There are some movies that, while technically terrible in every way, excel at seizing an uncomfortable truth and bringing it to the forefront of our social consciousness. “Night of the Living Dead” had a miniscule budget, and the undead threat consisted primarily of extras stumbling around in boxer shorts. However, its black male lead was portrayed as a capable and bold problem-solver. White characters were either catatonic or bloviating jackasses. Romero took the entire Hollywood racial paradigm, which nobody wanted to acknowledge, and turned it on its head.

“Turbo” has a message too: Steroids are awesome.

In the golden age of American sports, we marveled as home run records were constantly broken by titanic bat-to-ball connections. Lance Armstrong made America proud year after year with his world-famous cycling performances. Professional wrestlers were titans—performing incredible feats of simulated sportsmanship. We had it all until the whiners in the anti-juicing crowd decided that all the fun should be jettisoned from sports by replacing our favorite players with mere mortals of unoptimized flesh. Since cartoon snails don’t have fingers, middle or otherwise, I’ll be happy to lend my appendage and give these wimps a rightly deserved invitation to sit and spin.

Theo the snail is living a life of drudgery harvesting produce; dreaming all the while of a career in racing. Being an ordinary snail, this is clearly beyond his abilities. However, in a twist of fate, Theo is submerged in a vat of nitrous oxide and gains the exact super powers he needs to achieve his dreams. “Turbo” teaches children that people who play by the rules are doomed to a lifetime of conciliation prizes—a job that pays slightly above minimum wage, a house in a neighborhood that allows you to be quickly profiled as a criminal by your betters, and a spouse and children that disappoint your parents. But if you’re willing to take a dip in that gently glowing vat of get-up-and-go, every joy life has to offer will fall into your hands. Your meaty, rage-clenched hands. “Turbo” celebrates an America that refused to accept anything less than a literal 110% effort. And by God, I think we’ll all be better off for it.