Editorial: Walking Dead? More Like....Tax....Instead!

Dr. Handy Twinerlegs is a practicing OBGYN who for some reason is apparently supposed to have credible opinions about sociology (and can we just acknowledge that the concept of male gynecologists is just.....you know, I really don't want to paint the entire profession with a broad brush, but you have to believe that there's at least one guy out there just in it for.....you know what? Nevermind.).
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?

I would argue 'Yes.'  Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!

I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.

Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.

And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.

This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?

And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!

Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!

This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!

What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.

And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.

CSPAN Slims Down

Bizarro Post Political Media Bureau- As a measure to save money, CSPAN has reduced its call-in program to one phone line.

The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.

"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."

The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.

"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"

CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.

Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.

"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"

Oh SNAP! Food Stamps Get Served by Fox News

Bizarro Media Bureau- Fox News scored a major win in their war against food stamps today, as they stumbled across a big, fat, juicy strawman just before the House of Representatives voted on SNAP benefits.

"What a coincidence this all was!" gasped Megan Kelly. "This is truly the providence of God that we'd find this perfect strawman hanging out at a talent agency known for having desperate clients! AAHHH! Why did you use the shock collar!? I didn't say any--OUCH!"

28-year-old John Hussein "Free Palestine" Smith-McSmitherson is a resident of San Diego who allowed Fox News crew members to shoot footage of him in HD at multiple angles while he used his SNAP benefits to purchase tie-dye T-shirts, bandannas with peace signs on them, big fat blunts, and "Coexist" bumper stickers.

"I love living this way and taking money from hard working Americans. Like Bill Parsons and Anita Fontaine from the Fox News mailing list that I have never seen. Someday I hope to pay for an abortion with my tax money, after I Baptize the fetus in the name of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez," Smith-McSmitherson said in a carefully constructed closed set featuring luxury items that he definitely owns.

Fox send copies of their package to Capitol Hill offices, mysteriously using novelty stamps that hadn't been sold for months. Representatives took the message to heart as they argued over the SNAP program Thursday.

"You can no longer buy gay porn and copies of The Satanic Bible with SNAP benefits, like John Smith-Smithy-Smith," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-KN). "The SNAP program is plagued with abuse! I know because a DVD-R my secretary gave me said so. DVDs from strangers haven't lied to me yet, and by God I don't expect them to."

Darrel Issa (R-CA) was also outraged. "He obviously is anticipating being very rich later and not paying back the money, the goddamn freeloader. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue drafting this measure to reduce capitol gains taxes, ideally to 0%."

We're Covering Up a Story. Problem?

Bizarro Post Bias Bureau- Something happened today. Something that would undoubtedly change your liberal or conservative notions about the way the world works. This story is something you would have told your grandchildren about. Any jackass can tell America to wake up. But this? This story is a turkey baster full of black coffee and gorilla adrenaline injected straight into your eyeballs. You're not going to hear about it, though. We're covering it up.

That's right. To suit our hidden agenda, we're covering up the most explosive story in generations and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Maybe we're hiding something on behalf of our corporate sponsors. Maybe we're bleeding heart liberals desperate to make Bill Mahr the uncontested dictator of America. Maybe we're conservative fascists trying to use fear and logical fallacies to coerce you into voting against your best interests. You'll never know, because we're not telling you.

Did you know we have cyanide capsules in our molars in case anyone tries to torture us for information? Whole staff's got them. Even the janitors. And not just to prevent corporate espionage, either. We did it specifically for this story. That's how unbelievably massive this baby is.

Pulitzers? Who needs them? Not us. This meticulously researched investigation is reward enough. Oh God, the quotes. You should see them (and if you were us, you could)! They're from the most powerful people in the nation! Celebrities by the hundreds provided us with even more material! Professors, doctors, Stephen-Fucking-Hawking. 

So anyway, just thought I'd let everyone know that we're manipulating you for our own sinister purposes. Don't worry, I'll bet there's some Hollywood gossip that's sure to entertain. Lady Gaga showed her boobs the other day, you know. See you later, suckers.

Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight

Man Happy With Cable Provider

Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.

"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.

According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.

"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.

Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.

"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"

Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.

"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"

Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.

Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.

Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.

"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."

Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.

The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."

A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.

"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"

Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.

"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."

Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].

Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.

Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games

Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.

"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."

McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.

"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."

If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".

"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."

McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.

"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."

FOX News Fem Flummoxes

Bizarro Media Bureau- The going got strange when FOX News anchor Lauren Green interviewed ivy league professor Ellie Tist about her new history book, "Yes We Khan: The Audacity of Genghis".

After exchanging pleasantries with the author, Green began asking odd questions.

"I just want to be clear, you don't know Genghis Khan personally, and you've never been a citizen of the Mongolian Empire. Why write this book?"

Appearing confused for a moment, Tist collected herself and replied. "Well, I've spent 20 years studying the history of Asia and have several relevant degrees. They don't pay me to teach university level history for my good looks!"

The same can not be said of Green, a former beauty queen that decided to translate her pageant-certified appeal into a career in front of the camera. Though she did indeed find a place in the FOX News media empire, it became apparent that she had no intention of doing any homework when she was assigned an interview.

"She's nice, really, but she's a little bit....special," said one former staff member. "I really don't like insinuating that someone should be fired, but we bit our nails every time she was behind the desk."

Things have changed little in that respect, as floor directors prompted her to wrap after five full minutes of Green failing to comprehend the concept of someone researching and profiling a man who had been dead since 1227 CE,

"It was mystifying," said Professor Tist. "Lauren casually dismissed pretty much every book ever written. How can you write 'Harry Potter' if you're not a wizard? How can Bill O'Reilly write about Abraham Lincoln if he never met the man? This seems like something that would have been covered in Kindergarten."

When we reached out to News Corp. President Rupert Murdoch, he had little to say on the matter.

"She's the blonde one, right? Oi, yeah mate. I'll talk to 'er straight away after I chat with me lawyer this aftanoon. Ex-wife's got my shrimps on the barbie, she does."

Editorial: Above the Influence Employee Becomes Self-Aware

 I would, first of all, like to thank the Bizarro Post for offering me the opportunity to speak about my personal epiphany that happened while working on behalf of the government-funded Above the Influence anti-drug campaign. My identity will not be revealed for various personal reasons, and besides that my intention in writing this was never to market myself as some sort of burgeoning pundit. This is the story of a man who discovered his sense of irony and self-awareness in an industry that doesn't seem to have any.

What's in a name?

The entire premise of the campaign's name is asking minors to be "Above the Influence" of peer pressure to use drugs. Nobody, not one solitary person, realized the major sticking point of this concept. See, we're asking kids to ignore the influence of their peers while at the same time asking them to subject themselves to the influence of the federal government. 

Besides being creepy and Orwellian, since when have teenagers valued the approval of 75+ year old legislators over, you know, the friends they interact with every goddamn day? The same government that said minorities shouldn't be allowed to sit in the good bus seats, the same government that gets busted while committing acts of mass murder and espionage every other day, the same government filled with people who resent and misunderstand things that are important to the average young person. Hey kids, I think I can forgive you for being cynical about all this.

Reefer Madness Redux

The novelty of the classic film "Reefer Madness" are the wild misrepresentation of THC's actual effects. That novelty is diminished somewhat by the fact that the people making these ads still haven't the slightest goddamn clue what marijuana actually does. If  "Above the Influence" is to believed, pot:

-Makes your bones dissolve.

-Renders you incapable of movement.

-Makes you be a dick to your friends.

-Compels you to have people draw on your face.

-Convinces you to shoot your friends in the face with dad's shotgun.

-Causes you to want to get kicked in the face by a donkey.

Now, besides the bone part, every single one of these can be a direct result of alcohol consumption--which is legal. It was illegal for awhile, but then it created a massive organized crime problem (good thing that problem's solved, huh?). And there's no ambiguity allowed in the spots. All of them attribute this behavior to marijuana, and only marijuana.

Since leaving my position, I have had the opportunity to observe real live human beings that use marijuana recreationally. There is a strong aversion to conflict, nobody wants deadly weapons being waved around (ie. buzz harshing), nobody had any desire to inflict pain on themselves for the entertainment of their friends during a period of heightened sensations, everyone was capable of walking, friends frequently enjoyed each others company by relaxing and having fun after a long day at work.

Cut me some slack(ers)!

Dear God in Heaven. Look at these monsters. They're not earning money for the corporate overlords! They're not composing slam poetry (that is what....urban....people do, right?)! They're not producing tax revenue to pay for more of these commercials!

Hey, guess what? Sometimes people want to, you know, sit down and not do stuff for awhile. And since they're kids, they'd better enjoy the goddamn ride, because it's all downhill once the student loans come into play.

Be yourself!*

The message that gets pushed the hardest is that in order to "be yourself", you have to resist the influence of your peers--who are apparently all members of the Keith Richards clone army. But in order to be "cool" in the eyes of Above the Influence, you have to conform to all of their opinions. Also, you have to conform to their opinions if you don't want to be beaten mercilessly by the police/DEA and thrown in prison for a decade. Not only are we providing children a false choice, we're dancing around the brutally punitive American justice system.

If you smoke pot, you'll never amount to anything!

Are you goddamn serious?

 Obama's "Choom Gang" actually demonstrates a number of things that directly contradict every single claim Above the Influence makes about marijuana. For instance, pushing your friends away:

"Yes. The Choom Gang was a bunch of typical high school teenagers, who were out to explore the world, to make it an adventure, to make it fun, to make it funny, and just generally become a family on our own. I mean, the Choom Gang became more of a family to me more than my own family." - Tom Topolinski, high-school friend of Obama

 Or, you know, creating a fellowship of young men supported each other through the potentially difficult high school transitional period from childhood into the adult world.

I think the bottom line here is that our government is constantly denying reality. Our last three presidents admitted to experimenting with drugs. Practically all of the most beloved and talented entertainers have, or still do use drugs and alcohol. Yet here we are, in the Year of Our Lord 2013, and we're still wringing our hands over the boogeymen that come from the same place they always have--right out of the asses of clueless old rich guys. I, for one, want no part in it.