Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- Americans are laughing it up at a recently married couple from Conway, South Carolina who chose to get a joint Facebook account. The Facebook page entitled "Jeff-and-Britnee Whities" began distributing friend requests to friends and family after their original accounts were deactivated.
"Hahahaha, no, but seriously, it's adorable," said local resident Terrance Cowan.
Experts agree that approximately 80% of these joint accounts are made by bitch-made husbands with spouses that gently demand "accountability" in their marriage. In addition to that, experts also found that joint Facebook accounts made messy divorces 210% more hilarious for observers.
Showing posts with label Social Media. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Social Media. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Angry Grandpa Revives a Piece of Beloved Americana
BIzarro Post Social Media Bureau- The Clifford family has spent the better part of a decade trying to teach their elderly grandfather how to write inflammatory opinions online. The reason? Clement Clifford currently uses a sign on his front lawn instead.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
The best thing about these signs? No elitist spellcheck.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Voice of the Bizarro People: PTSD Isn't Free
Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Court of Public Opinion: A Juror is Judged
Bizarro Castle Rock, Maine (BP)- Maurice Lee unwinds every day after and usually during work by heading over to the Channel 7 News Facebook page and cutting lose on the latest arrest reports.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
"KILL IT My TAX DOLLARS should NOT pay to feed and house this scum!"
"Arrest, execute, and mulch them up. The greenies should support that!"
It might seem like Maurice is directing his ire at convicted murderers. In fact, the vast majority of these comments are made on arrest reports. The individuals featured in the stories and mugshots have been arrested, but in many cases they had not been formally charged or arraigned. Out of all the stories Maurice opined on, absolutely none of them featured a person who had been convicted of the crimes that they had been accused of.
But none of that mattered to Maurice, who used the comment function as a way to foist his self-loathing and persistent depression on people he perceived as criminals that lived lives that ran parallel to his righteous (though incredibly unremarkable and miserable) lifestyle.
Then came the day that would change everything. On November 2, 2013, Maurice Lee arrived at work to find that his employer's elderly office building had burned down. Investigators quickly found evidence of accelerants, and began their search for an arsonist. The long arm of the law swung its damning finger towards Maurice mere hours after the witness statements and affidavits began to roll in. Maurice had been seen heatedly disputing office dress code with his department manager recently. Camouflage clothing had been banned, and there was talk of prohibiting jeans in the administrative offices of the construction company that Maurice had worked in for five years.
"As soon as the memo hit his inbox, he was in the manager's face," said coworker Charlene May. "He was shouting about 'fascism' this and 'socialism' that. And then he said he would 'show them' what happens you 'violate' the rights of real Americans. Very creepy."
Maurice recalled the event, and rubbed his bleary eyes. His orange county jail jumpsuit was baggy, even on his hefty frame. "That's not what I meant," he muttered. "I'd never burn down a man's business over some stupid argument. That's not me. That's not who I am."
But on Facebook, as always, none of that mattered.
"CREEP. CHUMMUNATE him for crab bait!" wrote Randy Quinn on the News Channel 7 Facebook story.
"Set HIM on fire. Hope he likes rape because bubba in prison sure does lmao!" Thelma Johnson added.
His scowling, defeated face appeared in mugshot magazines, news websites, and countless professional extortion websites across the internet. He could pay them all off, but his name and face would be forever bound to the word "ARSON".
When Maurice was able to produce a solid alibi that placed him at home at the time the fire began, he was released immediately. He may have been a free man, but Maurice was now shackled to a crime he had demonstrably nothing to do with. For all the stories about him being cleared and released, there were even more active, archived, and cached that all but convicted and sentenced him.
Maurice doesn't do much posting on Facebook anymore. He had to remove it to slow down the deluge of death threats from strangers. Most of the time, you can find him applying to countless jobs online. The vast majority of them feature poverty level wages, and have no interest in Maurice's education or certifications.
"A background check would probably tell them that the police let me go," Maurice sighed. "But a Google search is so much cheaper. And according to Google, I'm a walking fire hazard. Let's face it, if you were a hiring manager and caught a whiff of criminal history against your employer, you're tossing that application in a hurry. I guess I've got to find the guy willing to read the next page down where they let me go and find my boss' bookie laying low up in Canada."
He hasn't found that person yet, but he's still looking. And he's still approaching life from a new perspective, one that he had to experience first-hand to truly understand. Facebook users want a death sentence for any and every crime, shaking their fist at a justice system that refuses to give them the executions they crave. But in the digital age, an accusation invariably leads to the miserable death of a man's reputation. And the man that Maurice Lee used to be, along with all of his cohorts online, are more than happy to tie the nooses before the first gavel falls.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Posting Gore on Facebook? Go A-Head!
Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- Facebook fans are rejoicing today as the company announced that they were acting on constant consumer demands to allow the sharing of decapitation videos.
"It's been months since I've been able to share drug cartel executions with the family," said Facebook user Cynthia Waltz, who uses the social network to keep in touch with old colleagues and her adult children. "I'm just glad it's over."
It took months of petitions and viral videos from some of Hollywood's hottest names before Facebook gave their no-beheading video policy the ax. A number of brokers have suggested that Facebook's dismal performance in the stock market might have a lot to do with the chief executives burying their heads in the sand when it comes to the insatiable bloodlust of their user base. Shareholders apparently want heads to roll over this careless cut into their already small dividends. Despite past indiscretions, this new policy has brightened the outlook for Facebook on Wall Street and Main Street. Popular sites like Gore Palace believe Facebook has found the formula to get ahead in a crowded online marketplace.
"We're cleared for scimitar decapitations, saw decapitations, knife decapitations, and--my personal favorite--chainsaw decapitations!" cheered Gore Palace founder Teh Dark Brony. "We're working on a puppetry series for the kids that's going to really spread its wings on Facebook. It's like Sesame Street, only with more severed heads."
"It's been months since I've been able to share drug cartel executions with the family," said Facebook user Cynthia Waltz, who uses the social network to keep in touch with old colleagues and her adult children. "I'm just glad it's over."
It took months of petitions and viral videos from some of Hollywood's hottest names before Facebook gave their no-beheading video policy the ax. A number of brokers have suggested that Facebook's dismal performance in the stock market might have a lot to do with the chief executives burying their heads in the sand when it comes to the insatiable bloodlust of their user base. Shareholders apparently want heads to roll over this careless cut into their already small dividends. Despite past indiscretions, this new policy has brightened the outlook for Facebook on Wall Street and Main Street. Popular sites like Gore Palace believe Facebook has found the formula to get ahead in a crowded online marketplace.
"We're cleared for scimitar decapitations, saw decapitations, knife decapitations, and--my personal favorite--chainsaw decapitations!" cheered Gore Palace founder Teh Dark Brony. "We're working on a puppetry series for the kids that's going to really spread its wings on Facebook. It's like Sesame Street, only with more severed heads."
Monday, October 21, 2013
Welcome, Karmel. To the Machine.
Bizarro Post Propaganda Bureau- On behalf of propagandists across the United States, I would like to extend a warm welcome to Karmel Allison as we place her into our noise machine's vast repertoire of heavily distorted non-events.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Self-Centered Centrists Soar in Polls
Bizarro Post Political Bureau- A study has revealed that 51% of Americans self-identify as "centrists", or people that claim not to have any political inclinations either way. In a subsequent study produced by The Bizarro Post, 98%* or that 51% are either self-important douches or irredeemably ignorant and gullible tools (*Margin of error +/-2).
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
Monday, October 14, 2013
Local Man Isn't Such a Badass After Fatal Shooting
Bizarro Tyler, TX (BP)- A local shit-talker is looking like a complete tool after getting his face blown off while confronting a visitor. Neighbors say that the cantankerous asshole will not be missed.
"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."
Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.
"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"
There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.
Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.
"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."
The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"
"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."
Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.
"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."
Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.
"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."
Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.
"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"
There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.
Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.
"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."
The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"
"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."
Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.
"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."
Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.
Friday, September 27, 2013
The Downfall of The Icy Hot Prankstas
Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Five young men have been arrested for their participation in the Icy Hot Prankstas "prank posse."
The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.
PRANKSTA TIMELINE
-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.
-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.
-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"
The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....
-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.
"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."
"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."
This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.
"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"
Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."
Yeah, it kind of went on like that.
-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.
-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."
"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.
Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.
Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.
YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.
The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.
PRANKSTA TIMELINE
-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.
-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.
-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"
The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....
-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.
"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."
"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."
This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.
"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"
Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."
Yeah, it kind of went on like that.
-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.
-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."
"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.
Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.
Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.
YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Voice of the Internet: Chicago Violence
Bizarro Chicago, IL (BP)- After a mass shooting on a Chicago basketball court that left 13 people seriously injured, top American thinkers have decided to immediately stop caring.
Friends and family members of the victims gathered today to express their sorrow at the violence that threatens their lives every day, and pleaded for an end to the indiscriminate murders committed by organized crime members throughout the poverty-stricken areas of Chicago.
"It needs to stop. It needs to stop," cried Semencha Nunn, the grandmother of a 3-year-old victim.
"Did I miss the presser with...all of the families of those who were shot yesterday?" said newwtricks on Huffington Post, who didn't look particularly hard at the article that was literally on the same page he wrote this on.
Citing statistics with no sources, Americans came to the conclusion that this incident simply isn't worthy of their concern. In fact, everyone injured in this random attempt at multiple murders deserves it for reasons.
"Al and the rest of the community need to come together and focus on what the obvious problem is with the city, drugs, gangs, crime, and lack of sheer humanity in the African American community," wrote Belmontkid on Newsvine.
Several users sympathized with this point of view. Many Americans apparently believe that the entire African American community is sub-human. Why aren't civil rights leaders addressing that belief? Why haven't they ever disputed that? Why haven't I Googled to see if they actually have and I just never bothered to look? The world may never know.
And why do these tragedies happen time and time again? Deep thinkers like Newsvine's PFirefly offers his insight.
"Wow, you get a demo in the White (Black-White-Muslim) house and the shootings escalate. What's the deal with that? Must be depression or something," says PFirefly, who theorizes that a diminishing whiteness in America has lead to a depression or something. Depression or Something Theory is a popular theme of research by intellectuals like Nome Chomsky and Dr. Phil.
And once we've determined the problem, it's time to get cracking on solutions. elayne-675382 on Newsvine devised a strategy.
"When human animals keep getting worse, time for the big boys to step in and take control. No one can cry about this. Stop acting like wild animals and this would not happen. Sorry wild animals, you do not even act like these 'people'," wrote elayne-6752382.
It's clear that Americans want action, and they want it now. They want martial law, they want life-sentences and executions without trial, and they demand that the "big boys" teach the "human animals" a lesson with their nightsticks and bullets in order to fight lawlessness and violence in the street's of Chicago.
Friends and family members of the victims gathered today to express their sorrow at the violence that threatens their lives every day, and pleaded for an end to the indiscriminate murders committed by organized crime members throughout the poverty-stricken areas of Chicago.
"It needs to stop. It needs to stop," cried Semencha Nunn, the grandmother of a 3-year-old victim.
"Did I miss the presser with...all of the families of those who were shot yesterday?" said newwtricks on Huffington Post, who didn't look particularly hard at the article that was literally on the same page he wrote this on.
Citing statistics with no sources, Americans came to the conclusion that this incident simply isn't worthy of their concern. In fact, everyone injured in this random attempt at multiple murders deserves it for reasons.
"Al and the rest of the community need to come together and focus on what the obvious problem is with the city, drugs, gangs, crime, and lack of sheer humanity in the African American community," wrote Belmontkid on Newsvine.
Several users sympathized with this point of view. Many Americans apparently believe that the entire African American community is sub-human. Why aren't civil rights leaders addressing that belief? Why haven't they ever disputed that? Why haven't I Googled to see if they actually have and I just never bothered to look? The world may never know.
And why do these tragedies happen time and time again? Deep thinkers like Newsvine's PFirefly offers his insight.
"Wow, you get a demo in the White (Black-White-Muslim) house and the shootings escalate. What's the deal with that? Must be depression or something," says PFirefly, who theorizes that a diminishing whiteness in America has lead to a depression or something. Depression or Something Theory is a popular theme of research by intellectuals like Nome Chomsky and Dr. Phil.
And once we've determined the problem, it's time to get cracking on solutions. elayne-675382 on Newsvine devised a strategy.
"When human animals keep getting worse, time for the big boys to step in and take control. No one can cry about this. Stop acting like wild animals and this would not happen. Sorry wild animals, you do not even act like these 'people'," wrote elayne-6752382.
It's clear that Americans want action, and they want it now. They want martial law, they want life-sentences and executions without trial, and they demand that the "big boys" teach the "human animals" a lesson with their nightsticks and bullets in order to fight lawlessness and violence in the street's of Chicago.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
(FYI) if you're a mother to a teenage boy
Dear mom,
I have some information that might interest you. Last night, you made me sit down at the dining room table and go through my friends social media photos. Apparently you think this is a normal thing that other humans do with their children. Pro-tip: If I should end up in Hell for whatever reason, I fully anticipate it being an eternity of watching my mother go through my Facebook account while mumbling things like, "It must have been cold at the beach that day."
I hope you noticed that dad did very little talking and a whole lot of looking. You probably didn't see it in your quest to save your sons from the disgusting hussies and keep them reliant on mommy's creepy Oedipedal love. Be glad that you didn't. The last thing you need is something to legitimize your insecurity. Have I mentioned that writing about this on your pretentious Mommy Blog with your real name and our real photos while insulting every attractive girl in school is a shitty thing to do? Because it really is, you human wasteland.
And don't think your bitterness went unnoticed. It was kind of obvious.
"Wow--you sure took a bunch of selfies in your skimpy pj's this summer."
First? Pajama pants and a t-shirt are skimpy if you rode in on the Mayflower. It's actually fairly unusual to wear a parka to bed to "keep the sin away." They're not weird. You are.
Sidenote: Did my 8-year-old sister really need to be present for all this? I sure as shit hope you're ready to bankroll a few decades of therapy. And my room does not smell like "stinky cheese". It's cologne, it's called "Mountain Musk", it's very expensive, and it's made from elk pheromones.
Can I just reiterate, once more, how not-cool it is to publicly chastise girls on Facebook because you suspect they aren't wearing bras? I'm pretty sure men your age have gone to jail for less than that. Just saying.
Oh, and then there's this bit:
"I can't help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. None of these positions is (SIC) one I naturally assume before sleep."
When Dad read that, he went to that hollowed-out copy of Purpose Driven Life, took out the flask inside, and took a nice long drink. Gosh, you didn't know about the flask? No surprise. He said the mouth of that flask is the only one he enjoys kissing anymore.
I also noticed in your Mommy Blog, which nobody except Russian data miners ever accessed, you seemed to imply that "the whole family" was looking at these photos in disgust. That we, as a tribunal of some kind, determined that we had no choice but to block my female friends on Facebook (except the one who likes Anime and doesn't post her picture because she's self-conscious about her acne and obesity). We both know that's bullshit. Here's the real deal:
My brother and I: Hoping for a swift and painless death via meteor strike.
My Dad: "Gosh, she really doesn't have a bra! This is just...obscene...."
My sister: Doesn't know what the fuck is even happening because she's EIGHT.
You: Painting yourself as Margaret Thatcher rather than a deeply bitter person whose every action is designed to compensate for your many failings.
It's all okay now though. I don't have friends at school anymore. The girls think I'm a creepy asshole, and the boys laugh their asses off at my misfortune.
But you know what? It's okay. I'm not that mad. Your post went viral, and now you're the laughing stock of the Internet. It's pretty hard to hide your bullshit beneath pretenses of piety when your precious blog is being dissected by millions of people. Just wait until 4chan gets their hands on this! They'll probably have your debit card info on Pastebin in roughly 30 seconds. And the blog? Forget about it. That thing's going to be a vast expanse of photographs depicting acts that are only legal in rural areas of the Netherlands.
And me? When I get to college, I'm going to do every goddamn drug I can get my hands on. I'll tattoo "G.G. ALLEN RULES" on my eyelids. I'll engage in every obscenity that I can find. And when I'm hiding needle tracks and introducing you to my polyamorous girlfriend named Spider, you'll know the true breadth of your failure. I will drink your tears. In my dreams, they taste like cherry wine.
Signed,
Your Loving Son
I have some information that might interest you. Last night, you made me sit down at the dining room table and go through my friends social media photos. Apparently you think this is a normal thing that other humans do with their children. Pro-tip: If I should end up in Hell for whatever reason, I fully anticipate it being an eternity of watching my mother go through my Facebook account while mumbling things like, "It must have been cold at the beach that day."
I hope you noticed that dad did very little talking and a whole lot of looking. You probably didn't see it in your quest to save your sons from the disgusting hussies and keep them reliant on mommy's creepy Oedipedal love. Be glad that you didn't. The last thing you need is something to legitimize your insecurity. Have I mentioned that writing about this on your pretentious Mommy Blog with your real name and our real photos while insulting every attractive girl in school is a shitty thing to do? Because it really is, you human wasteland.
And don't think your bitterness went unnoticed. It was kind of obvious.
"Wow--you sure took a bunch of selfies in your skimpy pj's this summer."
First? Pajama pants and a t-shirt are skimpy if you rode in on the Mayflower. It's actually fairly unusual to wear a parka to bed to "keep the sin away." They're not weird. You are.
Sidenote: Did my 8-year-old sister really need to be present for all this? I sure as shit hope you're ready to bankroll a few decades of therapy. And my room does not smell like "stinky cheese". It's cologne, it's called "Mountain Musk", it's very expensive, and it's made from elk pheromones.
Can I just reiterate, once more, how not-cool it is to publicly chastise girls on Facebook because you suspect they aren't wearing bras? I'm pretty sure men your age have gone to jail for less than that. Just saying.
Oh, and then there's this bit:
"I can't help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. None of these positions is (SIC) one I naturally assume before sleep."
When Dad read that, he went to that hollowed-out copy of Purpose Driven Life, took out the flask inside, and took a nice long drink. Gosh, you didn't know about the flask? No surprise. He said the mouth of that flask is the only one he enjoys kissing anymore.
I also noticed in your Mommy Blog, which nobody except Russian data miners ever accessed, you seemed to imply that "the whole family" was looking at these photos in disgust. That we, as a tribunal of some kind, determined that we had no choice but to block my female friends on Facebook (except the one who likes Anime and doesn't post her picture because she's self-conscious about her acne and obesity). We both know that's bullshit. Here's the real deal:
My brother and I: Hoping for a swift and painless death via meteor strike.
My Dad: "Gosh, she really doesn't have a bra! This is just...obscene...."
My sister: Doesn't know what the fuck is even happening because she's EIGHT.
You: Painting yourself as Margaret Thatcher rather than a deeply bitter person whose every action is designed to compensate for your many failings.
It's all okay now though. I don't have friends at school anymore. The girls think I'm a creepy asshole, and the boys laugh their asses off at my misfortune.
But you know what? It's okay. I'm not that mad. Your post went viral, and now you're the laughing stock of the Internet. It's pretty hard to hide your bullshit beneath pretenses of piety when your precious blog is being dissected by millions of people. Just wait until 4chan gets their hands on this! They'll probably have your debit card info on Pastebin in roughly 30 seconds. And the blog? Forget about it. That thing's going to be a vast expanse of photographs depicting acts that are only legal in rural areas of the Netherlands.
And me? When I get to college, I'm going to do every goddamn drug I can get my hands on. I'll tattoo "G.G. ALLEN RULES" on my eyelids. I'll engage in every obscenity that I can find. And when I'm hiding needle tracks and introducing you to my polyamorous girlfriend named Spider, you'll know the true breadth of your failure. I will drink your tears. In my dreams, they taste like cherry wine.
Signed,
Your Loving Son
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Bizarro Brains: Equestrian Obsession
Bizarro Post Mental Health Bureau- Today on the Internet, a grown man typed dozens of paragraphs defending adult viewers of the children's cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
On the AV Club review of a recent movie adaptation of the show, user "Noelle" breathlessly defended his unreasonable feelings towards a cartoon intended for the Female 5-10 demographic. When someone rightfully pointed out that being a fan of the program as an adult male strongly suggested the presence of an untreated mental illness, Noelle never failed to arrive and pontificate. Our resident psychological pathologist, Dr. Fredrick Lloyd, weighs in on this fascinating specimen.
Noelle: And most American males wants to fuck equally fictional, arguably non-human, possibly factory-farmed Maxim models. Hey. At least pony fetishists care about the characters they're fantasizing about.
Dr, Lloyd: What we have here is a classic example of false equivocation, used to rationalize a belief that the individual knows to be irrational. At the same time, Noelle seeks to portray attraction to touched-up magazine models as abnormal because they artificially accentuate desirable physical traits. An ethical argument could certainly be made against this practice, but reactions to an attractive person in an ad are in no way equivalent to attraction to a children's cartoon character.
Also troubling is the notion that fictional cartoon horses are a surrogate for positive human interaction. The implications for this person's health are not good.
Noelle: You brought sex into it, not me -- inserting the "creepily" was so cleverly strawmannish of you! -- and I assure you, sir, my knickers are perfectly orthogonal. You're the one who complained about somebody else's tastes in media--you even brought in an inflammatory non-sequitur to do it. I believe that meets the diagnostic standard for Knicker Torsion Syndrome, my friend!
Dr. Lloyd: Here the subject attempts to establish dominance in the conversation by using stilted language. Noelle may very well know what all of these words mean without consulting a thesaurus, but this deliberate attempt to prove his intelligence suggests that he is aware people do not use these words in casual conversation.
He also makes a reference to the "strawman" logical fallacy. This is ironic, since he is attempting to establish himself as an authority by using large words. Argument by authority is another common logical fallacy.
Noelle: Just spend a few minutes looking at the interplay between Lauren Faust and the MLP fandom on Twitter -- the creators of the show, like most animators these days, are quite aware they have a crossover adult/child fandom and explicitly write the show to appeal to both.
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle deliberately confuses marketing strategy with the original intent of the show, which was to draw the attention of children. Consider Sharknado. Originally, it was supposed to be a legitimate horror movie; albeit a low budget one. After it became famous for its outrageous premise, the marketing strategy was retooled to target fans of goofy horror movie violence. And it wasn't because SyFy suddenly fell head-over-heels for hipsters. It was because they saw an opportunity to take a product that began with relatively low earning potential and turn it into a golden goose.
Noelle: Oh, god, unicorns at 22!? Doesn't she know she should already be out drinking herself to oblivion, watching Desperate Housewives, and getting into loveless sexual relationships at that age?! It sounds like she doesn't even understand what maturity really means: status-based, age-appropriate expressions of consumerism. *grin*
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle attempts to endear himself to the social community that has begun to grow weary of his constant defense of his man-child lifestyle. On top of that, he sneers at activities that neurotypical individuals often experience in their early 20's. His bitterness at having been denied the same opportunities has been converted into pride over being "different" and going against the grain. While being unique can easily be a positive quality, Noell's personality traits will likely lead to isolation and the continued decay of his emotional well-being.
Immediately after the above message, someone replied calling Noelle "crazy" for his unhinged defense of My Little Pony. Noelle responds with no less than three paragraphs.
Noelle: I figure if you were really that much less crazy than I am, you wouldn't be here giving people crap about Being Wrong On The Internet... or worse, Liking Ponies On The Internet. (shudder) I figure all the hypothetical sane people are out there at... I dunno, Mostly Mozart concerts or finance seminars or whatever it is these very serious adult people do with their time. It has nothing to do with me or, clearly, with you!
Sorry, but I've never really met an Internet troll who, upon closer examination of how they live their lives, made me feel really bad about myself. Ever. They don't exactly tend to be suave international playboys, themselves. And FWIW... your comment history seems to consist entirely of snarky one-liners and references to beer. If you're making a major contribution to society, it sure ain't on the AVClub. Have a nice day and thank you for playing. I think you and I can agree on one thing: we live in a really fucked-up society. We just differ on which one of us is the problem. ^__^
Incidentally, if at any point any of you want to stop dicking around and actually have a mature conversation about the moral taboos around adults watching "girly" cartoons, I'm still game. It's what I came here for, not to wade through pages of 4chan-quality hindbrain snark, watching arrested 13-year-olds make fun of what they think are arrested 5-year-olds. I think it's hilarious that you're clearly not interested in any such thing as a mature discussion, but I'm supposed to be the crazy, juvenile one here. You're so damn cute!
Dr. Lloyd: Feigning disinterest in arguments is the last refuge of a man who has completely failed to defend his position. In this case, it may never have been defensible at all. Noelle also directly contradicts himself by replying to a single sentence insulting him with a three-part rebuttal.
Noelle also accidentally reveals a number of important clues that we can use to understand his perspective of the world and society. All of this discussion took place on Labor Day, yet it appears as though Noelle has no idea what it is normal human adults do with their day off. He suggests that in order to be an adult he would have to listen to classical music, or attend personal finance classes. User D_Boons_Ghost says that he actually plans to attend a barbecue with friends. This apparently mystifies Noelle, as he moves on to another thread.
Once again, Noelle dismisses the notion that this conversation is making him angry and proceeds to contradict himself by going through his adversary's entire post history looking for leverage. Unfortunately, all he can find are one-liners and talking about beer, which is entirely normal for the AV Club. Something is motivating this man to waste his time, and I doubt that it's happiness. Noelle, knowing in some distant, subconscious way that he looks like a fool, endears himself to D_Boons_Ghost by pointing out an (assumed) point of agreement. His suggestion that liking or not liking a children's cartoon is the basis of all societal ills demonstrates distorted reasoning and a dependence on persecution as a substitute for being an interesting person.
My conclusion is that Noelle is an incubator for a seething resentment for all neurotypical individuals, and should not be permitted to own a firearm under any circumstances.
On the AV Club review of a recent movie adaptation of the show, user "Noelle" breathlessly defended his unreasonable feelings towards a cartoon intended for the Female 5-10 demographic. When someone rightfully pointed out that being a fan of the program as an adult male strongly suggested the presence of an untreated mental illness, Noelle never failed to arrive and pontificate. Our resident psychological pathologist, Dr. Fredrick Lloyd, weighs in on this fascinating specimen.
Noelle: And most American males wants to fuck equally fictional, arguably non-human, possibly factory-farmed Maxim models. Hey. At least pony fetishists care about the characters they're fantasizing about.
Dr, Lloyd: What we have here is a classic example of false equivocation, used to rationalize a belief that the individual knows to be irrational. At the same time, Noelle seeks to portray attraction to touched-up magazine models as abnormal because they artificially accentuate desirable physical traits. An ethical argument could certainly be made against this practice, but reactions to an attractive person in an ad are in no way equivalent to attraction to a children's cartoon character.
Also troubling is the notion that fictional cartoon horses are a surrogate for positive human interaction. The implications for this person's health are not good.
Noelle: You brought sex into it, not me -- inserting the "creepily" was so cleverly strawmannish of you! -- and I assure you, sir, my knickers are perfectly orthogonal. You're the one who complained about somebody else's tastes in media--you even brought in an inflammatory non-sequitur to do it. I believe that meets the diagnostic standard for Knicker Torsion Syndrome, my friend!
Dr. Lloyd: Here the subject attempts to establish dominance in the conversation by using stilted language. Noelle may very well know what all of these words mean without consulting a thesaurus, but this deliberate attempt to prove his intelligence suggests that he is aware people do not use these words in casual conversation.
He also makes a reference to the "strawman" logical fallacy. This is ironic, since he is attempting to establish himself as an authority by using large words. Argument by authority is another common logical fallacy.
Noelle: Just spend a few minutes looking at the interplay between Lauren Faust and the MLP fandom on Twitter -- the creators of the show, like most animators these days, are quite aware they have a crossover adult/child fandom and explicitly write the show to appeal to both.
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle deliberately confuses marketing strategy with the original intent of the show, which was to draw the attention of children. Consider Sharknado. Originally, it was supposed to be a legitimate horror movie; albeit a low budget one. After it became famous for its outrageous premise, the marketing strategy was retooled to target fans of goofy horror movie violence. And it wasn't because SyFy suddenly fell head-over-heels for hipsters. It was because they saw an opportunity to take a product that began with relatively low earning potential and turn it into a golden goose.
Noelle: Oh, god, unicorns at 22!? Doesn't she know she should already be out drinking herself to oblivion, watching Desperate Housewives, and getting into loveless sexual relationships at that age?! It sounds like she doesn't even understand what maturity really means: status-based, age-appropriate expressions of consumerism. *grin*
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle attempts to endear himself to the social community that has begun to grow weary of his constant defense of his man-child lifestyle. On top of that, he sneers at activities that neurotypical individuals often experience in their early 20's. His bitterness at having been denied the same opportunities has been converted into pride over being "different" and going against the grain. While being unique can easily be a positive quality, Noell's personality traits will likely lead to isolation and the continued decay of his emotional well-being.
Immediately after the above message, someone replied calling Noelle "crazy" for his unhinged defense of My Little Pony. Noelle responds with no less than three paragraphs.
Noelle: I figure if you were really that much less crazy than I am, you wouldn't be here giving people crap about Being Wrong On The Internet... or worse, Liking Ponies On The Internet. (shudder) I figure all the hypothetical sane people are out there at... I dunno, Mostly Mozart concerts or finance seminars or whatever it is these very serious adult people do with their time. It has nothing to do with me or, clearly, with you!
Sorry, but I've never really met an Internet troll who, upon closer examination of how they live their lives, made me feel really bad about myself. Ever. They don't exactly tend to be suave international playboys, themselves. And FWIW... your comment history seems to consist entirely of snarky one-liners and references to beer. If you're making a major contribution to society, it sure ain't on the AVClub. Have a nice day and thank you for playing. I think you and I can agree on one thing: we live in a really fucked-up society. We just differ on which one of us is the problem. ^__^
Incidentally, if at any point any of you want to stop dicking around and actually have a mature conversation about the moral taboos around adults watching "girly" cartoons, I'm still game. It's what I came here for, not to wade through pages of 4chan-quality hindbrain snark, watching arrested 13-year-olds make fun of what they think are arrested 5-year-olds. I think it's hilarious that you're clearly not interested in any such thing as a mature discussion, but I'm supposed to be the crazy, juvenile one here. You're so damn cute!
Dr. Lloyd: Feigning disinterest in arguments is the last refuge of a man who has completely failed to defend his position. In this case, it may never have been defensible at all. Noelle also directly contradicts himself by replying to a single sentence insulting him with a three-part rebuttal.
Noelle also accidentally reveals a number of important clues that we can use to understand his perspective of the world and society. All of this discussion took place on Labor Day, yet it appears as though Noelle has no idea what it is normal human adults do with their day off. He suggests that in order to be an adult he would have to listen to classical music, or attend personal finance classes. User D_Boons_Ghost says that he actually plans to attend a barbecue with friends. This apparently mystifies Noelle, as he moves on to another thread.
Once again, Noelle dismisses the notion that this conversation is making him angry and proceeds to contradict himself by going through his adversary's entire post history looking for leverage. Unfortunately, all he can find are one-liners and talking about beer, which is entirely normal for the AV Club. Something is motivating this man to waste his time, and I doubt that it's happiness. Noelle, knowing in some distant, subconscious way that he looks like a fool, endears himself to D_Boons_Ghost by pointing out an (assumed) point of agreement. His suggestion that liking or not liking a children's cartoon is the basis of all societal ills demonstrates distorted reasoning and a dependence on persecution as a substitute for being an interesting person.
My conclusion is that Noelle is an incubator for a seething resentment for all neurotypical individuals, and should not be permitted to own a firearm under any circumstances.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Culture War Tactics: I Have a Scream
Bizarro Post Internet Argument Bureau- As the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Dream" speech approaches, it's important to brush up on your inflammatory rhetoric so that you're prepared to show anonymous Internet assholes that you're the biggest dickhead of them all. Here are five great tips, followed by real-world examples from actual online communities!
1. "I have a dream that _____________"
If people remember nothing else about this speech, and they probably don't, the iconic line that became the rallying cry of a movement is easily co-opted into a vehicle for whatever political agenda you might be promoting. For bonus points, begin your post with "Oh yeah!? Well--" followed by your "remixed" dream speech. Another option is to insist that the "Dream has become a nightmare" or something similar.
Example: I have a dream that liberals will stop insulting Great Americans that only want freedom and prosperity.
Example: his "Dream" has turned into a nitemare for white working class americans.
2. Post-Mortem Puppetry
The great thing about dead people is you can rewrite their personality, agenda, and everything that made them who they were. What the hell are they going to do about it? Decompose at you? You can attribute any opinion to a dead person and nobody can prove you wrong, because they're dead! All they have are estimates based on that person's entire body of work, and who has time to read and comprehend books? Nobody! Be sure to proclaim the greatness of your stiff spokesman to bolster the credibility of the thing you're saying on their behalf.
Example: How many of you know MLK was a Republican? Think about it!
3. Denominational Domination
Arguments about religion are pretty much a given everywhere you go. A YouTube video about puppies? Religious debate in the comments. Amazon review of a One Direction beach towel? Religious debate in the reviews. This particular anniversary is advantageous because Dr. King was a pastor by trade. Now, you could look up what church he affiliated himself with and what his theological perspective was. But because nobody else will, you can freely use the late pastor's faith to promote anything you want. You can even use it to demonize a religion or sect that you hate!
Example: Martin Luther King Jr. was a sinister minister, a Satan-inspired impostor...NOT A CHRISTIAN!
4. I Have a Truncheon
Provided you're willing to express admiration for the deceased, the memory of beloved dead people can be used to bludgeon your opponents. It doesn't matter what King himself thought about your enemies, or if he even met them. It doesn't even matter if YOU'VE never met them. Bringing down the full force of Dr. King's credentials on your foes is a sure-fire way to get a few precious upvotes.
Example: Dr. King would be totally disgusted and appalled by the modern black civil rights leaders, Obama, and Holder INCLUDED. Dr. King wanted equality, mutual respect and understanding between the races, not hand-outs. Dr. King was a true visionary leader, Obama and Holder are nothing of the sort, the polar opposite of Dr. King.
5. The Nuclear Option
Oh damn, you were too slow on the draw! Now somebody's used the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. to make you look like a jabroni in front of all your faceless internet friend-surrogates. The only thing left is to go full scorched-earth and destroy their ownage at its foundation. Undermine the memory of Dr. King, and you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Example: Marchin' Lootin" and Killin' was also a communist....a member of sixty or so such organizations.
Example: King,the epitome of a media made icon.A man who's biggest accomplishment was the number of white women he bedded,a man who's only other discernible skill was delivering'convincingly,speeches written by others.Ironically,this is also the only skill that the current occupant of the white house exhibits.
1. "I have a dream that _____________"
If people remember nothing else about this speech, and they probably don't, the iconic line that became the rallying cry of a movement is easily co-opted into a vehicle for whatever political agenda you might be promoting. For bonus points, begin your post with "Oh yeah!? Well--" followed by your "remixed" dream speech. Another option is to insist that the "Dream has become a nightmare" or something similar.
Example: I have a dream that liberals will stop insulting Great Americans that only want freedom and prosperity.
Example: his "Dream" has turned into a nitemare for white working class americans.
2. Post-Mortem Puppetry
The great thing about dead people is you can rewrite their personality, agenda, and everything that made them who they were. What the hell are they going to do about it? Decompose at you? You can attribute any opinion to a dead person and nobody can prove you wrong, because they're dead! All they have are estimates based on that person's entire body of work, and who has time to read and comprehend books? Nobody! Be sure to proclaim the greatness of your stiff spokesman to bolster the credibility of the thing you're saying on their behalf.
Example: How many of you know MLK was a Republican? Think about it!
3. Denominational Domination
Arguments about religion are pretty much a given everywhere you go. A YouTube video about puppies? Religious debate in the comments. Amazon review of a One Direction beach towel? Religious debate in the reviews. This particular anniversary is advantageous because Dr. King was a pastor by trade. Now, you could look up what church he affiliated himself with and what his theological perspective was. But because nobody else will, you can freely use the late pastor's faith to promote anything you want. You can even use it to demonize a religion or sect that you hate!
Example: Martin Luther King Jr. was a sinister minister, a Satan-inspired impostor...NOT A CHRISTIAN!
4. I Have a Truncheon
Provided you're willing to express admiration for the deceased, the memory of beloved dead people can be used to bludgeon your opponents. It doesn't matter what King himself thought about your enemies, or if he even met them. It doesn't even matter if YOU'VE never met them. Bringing down the full force of Dr. King's credentials on your foes is a sure-fire way to get a few precious upvotes.
Example: Dr. King would be totally disgusted and appalled by the modern black civil rights leaders, Obama, and Holder INCLUDED. Dr. King wanted equality, mutual respect and understanding between the races, not hand-outs. Dr. King was a true visionary leader, Obama and Holder are nothing of the sort, the polar opposite of Dr. King.
5. The Nuclear Option
Oh damn, you were too slow on the draw! Now somebody's used the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. to make you look like a jabroni in front of all your faceless internet friend-surrogates. The only thing left is to go full scorched-earth and destroy their ownage at its foundation. Undermine the memory of Dr. King, and you can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Example: Marchin' Lootin" and Killin' was also a communist....a member of sixty or so such organizations.
Example: King,the epitome of a media made icon.A man who's biggest accomplishment was the number of white women he bedded,a man who's only other discernible skill was delivering'convincingly,speeches written by others.Ironically,this is also the only skill that the current occupant of the white house exhibits.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Professionally Offended: When Miley's Twerkin', We Start Workin'
Bizarro Post Media Bureau- Fans of being offended were thrilled with last night's Video Music Awards on MTV, which fulfilled their desire to be angry about things that ultimately have no effect on their lives.
"This was a great year for outrage," said Pastor Randy Maxwell. "I was up until two in the morning writing angry letters to newspapers and politicians. And just wait until you hear my next sermon! Nothing gets the juices flowing like some old fashioned rage!"
What MTV's annual award show lacks in legitimacy as a critical examination of artistic skill, it has always made up for it by infuriating countless people from all walks of life. It's estimated that anger enthusiasts represent nearly all of the audience still watching the VMAs.
The event reached peak obscenity when Miley Cyrus performed whatever it is she's singing now. Her performance included graphic pantomiming of every sex act known to man, the sexual harassment of teddy bears, and culminated with simulated intercourse between Cyrus and what appears to be Beetlejuice's douchey cousin. Plus, her mom was totally in the audience.
"This degrading performance insinuates that women are defined entirely by their sexuality," said feminist blogger who actually makes a living writing a blog Aneeda Sharkeesian. "The inclusion of teddy bears in a high explicit performance by a former child star also sexualizes children, which is never acceptable."
Actually, yeah, that was really goddamn creepy. What the hell, Cyrus? That's actually gross. Now I'M pissed at your stupid post-relevance flailing.For God's sake, talk to your frigging manager before you try to choreograph something again, you giant doofus.
Damn MTV, you're still pretty good at this.
"This was a great year for outrage," said Pastor Randy Maxwell. "I was up until two in the morning writing angry letters to newspapers and politicians. And just wait until you hear my next sermon! Nothing gets the juices flowing like some old fashioned rage!"
What MTV's annual award show lacks in legitimacy as a critical examination of artistic skill, it has always made up for it by infuriating countless people from all walks of life. It's estimated that anger enthusiasts represent nearly all of the audience still watching the VMAs.
The event reached peak obscenity when Miley Cyrus performed whatever it is she's singing now. Her performance included graphic pantomiming of every sex act known to man, the sexual harassment of teddy bears, and culminated with simulated intercourse between Cyrus and what appears to be Beetlejuice's douchey cousin. Plus, her mom was totally in the audience.
"This degrading performance insinuates that women are defined entirely by their sexuality," said feminist blogger who actually makes a living writing a blog Aneeda Sharkeesian. "The inclusion of teddy bears in a high explicit performance by a former child star also sexualizes children, which is never acceptable."
Actually, yeah, that was really goddamn creepy. What the hell, Cyrus? That's actually gross. Now I'M pissed at your stupid post-relevance flailing.For God's sake, talk to your frigging manager before you try to choreograph something again, you giant doofus.
Damn MTV, you're still pretty good at this.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Twitter Accepts Immortal Soul of Dr. Phil
Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- Dr. Phil McGraw, host of an extremely
popular daytime talk show, fed his career to the gaping and eternally
hungry maw of Twitter today.
In accordance with Twitter sacrifice tradition, the Tweet was hastily deleted. False claims of hacking may be pending.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Racists Race to Their Klu Klux Keyboards
Bizarro Duncan, OK (BP)- After the senseless murder of an Australian national by three teenagers, America's racists are celebrating their chance at a new revival.
"It's been real hard since Mr. Zimmerman stood his ground. The PC Police ain't lettin' anything get by," said Heber Springs, Arkansas resident Jimmy Johns.
Social media networks and commentary sections on news sites were on high alert for phrases such as "14/88" and "feral thugs", deleting and banning users for using them. Claims of persecution against persecution were ignored.
"The left-wing media launched a full-scale assault on our first-amendment rights," said Illinois Nazi Shane Stevens. "First amendment's there for a reasons, lib-tards. It's so you can say what you want without anyone get sore at you or judgin' you. Duh!"
Now that this vicious murder has taken place, racists have found those restrictions relaxed. The change was immediately noticeable in public forums.
"Dey goot boyz, yall don't kno how hard life iz when you dark and tryin tah do right," wrote user Willamina on Huffington Post.
Still more lashed out at Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton, frequently targeted for criticism due to their tendency to say nice things about other African-Americans.
"True justice would be administering a one inch cut to Jesse and Al every time a white person is killed by a black and one cut each would be healed every time a black is killed by a white. Heck, this wouldn't take long," wrote BAGUIO BOY on the NBC News site.
When a number of people pointed out that 17-year-old Michael Jones appeared to be mixed race, the racists doubled down.
"He looks mixed race. It only matters because we continue to see a pattern of Blacks with no values, morals or respect for human life," wrote glprespecta on the CBS News site.
"It's all over the place. Mixed race is everywhere, not just the President. What can we do about them?" replied IACEMADMAN.
"Hey guys, Obama said this could have been one of his sons!" said tens of thousands of people on websites beyond counting.
James Edwards Junior, 15, and Francis Edwards Junior, 16, were both charged with first-degree murder. The self-confessed trigger man Michael Jones, 17, was charged with being an accessory to first-degree murder and discharging a firearm in a residential area. As for why the guy who actually shot the victim was the only one not charged with murder, take a wild goddamn guess.
"It's been real hard since Mr. Zimmerman stood his ground. The PC Police ain't lettin' anything get by," said Heber Springs, Arkansas resident Jimmy Johns.
Social media networks and commentary sections on news sites were on high alert for phrases such as "14/88" and "feral thugs", deleting and banning users for using them. Claims of persecution against persecution were ignored.
"The left-wing media launched a full-scale assault on our first-amendment rights," said Illinois Nazi Shane Stevens. "First amendment's there for a reasons, lib-tards. It's so you can say what you want without anyone get sore at you or judgin' you. Duh!"
Now that this vicious murder has taken place, racists have found those restrictions relaxed. The change was immediately noticeable in public forums.
"Dey goot boyz, yall don't kno how hard life iz when you dark and tryin tah do right," wrote user Willamina on Huffington Post.
Still more lashed out at Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton, frequently targeted for criticism due to their tendency to say nice things about other African-Americans.
"True justice would be administering a one inch cut to Jesse and Al every time a white person is killed by a black and one cut each would be healed every time a black is killed by a white. Heck, this wouldn't take long," wrote BAGUIO BOY on the NBC News site.
When a number of people pointed out that 17-year-old Michael Jones appeared to be mixed race, the racists doubled down.
"He looks mixed race. It only matters because we continue to see a pattern of Blacks with no values, morals or respect for human life," wrote glprespecta on the CBS News site.
"It's all over the place. Mixed race is everywhere, not just the President. What can we do about them?" replied IACEMADMAN.
"Hey guys, Obama said this could have been one of his sons!" said tens of thousands of people on websites beyond counting.
James Edwards Junior, 15, and Francis Edwards Junior, 16, were both charged with first-degree murder. The self-confessed trigger man Michael Jones, 17, was charged with being an accessory to first-degree murder and discharging a firearm in a residential area. As for why the guy who actually shot the victim was the only one not charged with murder, take a wild goddamn guess.
Internet Acronyms Better Parents Than You Already Know
Bizarro Post Internet Safety Bureau- Raising a child in the digital age represents a unique challenge. Not only can your son or daughter seek out and find harmful material online, they can also attract the attention of criminals and predators. When you're observing you child's internet activity, there are some acronyms you need to know. Rest assured, teens and predators are well versed in this web-lingo!
LOL= Lesbian orgy, large
YOLO= You obviously like oral
SMH=Shooting my heroin
GAB=Groping a bear
LMIRL=Let's meet, immediately rob liquor (stores)
NSFW=Never stop firing weapons
PAL=Parents are looking
ILWTW=I like when they watch
YL420?=You like Hitler's birthday?
NIFOC=Nude, ingesting fistfuls of corn
DOC=Dudes over chicks (Bros before hoes)
CU46=(I love you) Cuz' you're 46
COBRAS=You child has declared war on GI Joe.
EIP=Eggo is Preggo (I have syrup stuffed Eggo Waffles, and will share)
CD9=Code 9, parents are laughing at my impractical acronyms
IDKmyBFFJill=I'm driving to kill my bitchy false friend Jill.
If you notice your child using these acronyms online, it's already too late to save them. Your only hope is to find an attractive and trustworthy predator, maybe one who will ask for your permission to marry their victim. You know, like Elvis.
LOL= Lesbian orgy, large
YOLO= You obviously like oral
SMH=Shooting my heroin
GAB=Groping a bear
LMIRL=Let's meet, immediately rob liquor (stores)
NSFW=Never stop firing weapons
PAL=Parents are looking
ILWTW=I like when they watch
YL420?=You like Hitler's birthday?
NIFOC=Nude, ingesting fistfuls of corn
DOC=Dudes over chicks (Bros before hoes)
CU46=(I love you) Cuz' you're 46
COBRAS=You child has declared war on GI Joe.
EIP=Eggo is Preggo (I have syrup stuffed Eggo Waffles, and will share)
CD9=Code 9, parents are laughing at my impractical acronyms
IDKmyBFFJill=I'm driving to kill my bitchy false friend Jill.
If you notice your child using these acronyms online, it's already too late to save them. Your only hope is to find an attractive and trustworthy predator, maybe one who will ask for your permission to marry their victim. You know, like Elvis.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Americans Search Cairo for Team Goodguy
Bizarro Post Social Media Bureau- As the violence rages on in Egypt, Americans are desperately trying to determine which side the good guys are on. These comments from NewsVine, Discus, Twitter and Facebook illustrate a conversation that countless Americans are having about the graphic images pouring out of the deadly streets of Cairo.
"It is the very nature of war to have one side that pursues good with veracityness (sic), and which side perpetrates bad and evil," wrote Deepthinker15
Though the good-versus-evil narrative remains the most popular method of interpreting controversial news, the parties involved with Egypt's civil unrest aren't easily bisected into two "teams." President Morsi, now deposed, is supported by those faithful to the Muslim Brotherhood and citizens who do not want to undermine Egypt's newborn democracy. Opponents of the Muslim Brotherhood accuse Morsi of attempting to become a theocratic dictator, and they have the support of Egypt's powerful military.
At first, popular American consensus chose to label the Muslim Brotherhood's supporters as the antagonists.
"mudslimes (sic) shuld (sic) be put in there (sic) place!!!!" said USMCJohnCena.
On Wednesday, the clashes between civilian groups turned into an incredibly one-sided battle between protesters and Egypt's armed forces; well trained and bolstered by American money and weapons. Well over 600 were killed in the first two days of the escalation, and the mass-shootings continue as religious leaders insist on a "Day of Rage" from Brotherhood supporters.
Though Muslim Brotherhood supporters are hard to come by, the killing of unarmed civilians by the hundreds threw the entire good/evil balance into question.
"STOP FUNDING EGYPT ARMY OBAMA #nobelprizefail" wrote @SexCairman. SexCairman had previously posted scathing criticisms of the Muslim Brotherhood.
Confusion reigns in Washington DC as well. Initially confident they could support Egyptian's democratically elected officials and the Egyptian military without conflict, this upheaval has stymied American foreign policy. Until a definitive good guy is determined, diplomatic advisers will likely continue to tread water.
In the meantime, a baby panda has been born at the Taipei Zoo.
"My cute-ometer just exploded," wrote The Squid.
"It is the very nature of war to have one side that pursues good with veracityness (sic), and which side perpetrates bad and evil," wrote Deepthinker15
Though the good-versus-evil narrative remains the most popular method of interpreting controversial news, the parties involved with Egypt's civil unrest aren't easily bisected into two "teams." President Morsi, now deposed, is supported by those faithful to the Muslim Brotherhood and citizens who do not want to undermine Egypt's newborn democracy. Opponents of the Muslim Brotherhood accuse Morsi of attempting to become a theocratic dictator, and they have the support of Egypt's powerful military.
At first, popular American consensus chose to label the Muslim Brotherhood's supporters as the antagonists.
"mudslimes (sic) shuld (sic) be put in there (sic) place!!!!" said USMCJohnCena.
On Wednesday, the clashes between civilian groups turned into an incredibly one-sided battle between protesters and Egypt's armed forces; well trained and bolstered by American money and weapons. Well over 600 were killed in the first two days of the escalation, and the mass-shootings continue as religious leaders insist on a "Day of Rage" from Brotherhood supporters.
Though Muslim Brotherhood supporters are hard to come by, the killing of unarmed civilians by the hundreds threw the entire good/evil balance into question.
"STOP FUNDING EGYPT ARMY OBAMA #nobelprizefail" wrote @SexCairman. SexCairman had previously posted scathing criticisms of the Muslim Brotherhood.
Confusion reigns in Washington DC as well. Initially confident they could support Egyptian's democratically elected officials and the Egyptian military without conflict, this upheaval has stymied American foreign policy. Until a definitive good guy is determined, diplomatic advisers will likely continue to tread water.
In the meantime, a baby panda has been born at the Taipei Zoo.
"My cute-ometer just exploded," wrote The Squid.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sighs of Relief Become Groans of Discomfort
Bizarro San Diego, CA (BP)- Approximately two days after FBI agents saved H______ Anderson, 16, from kidnapper James DiMaggio, shit just got really creepy and awkward after the teen began posting on various social media sites.
On a Tumblr site known to belong to H_____, the girl began posting cell phone shots of her beaming face and fingernails manicured in memory of her mother and brother, who were murdered by DiMaggio [Editor's note: I don't even...wow...man...].
Later on she appeared on a now-deleted Ask.fm account where she invited complete strangers to ask her about being kidnapped by a deranged psychopath that she barely escaped from TWO. DAYS. AGO.
Details have been closely guarded by police, who are aware of the social media activity and don't know what the hell.
A number of psychiatrists have spoken in support of these actions, saying that this was merely H_______'s way of reaching out for support.
"I can understand wanting someone to talk to, but reaching out to complete strangers on the internet and leaving herself vulnerable to predators just like the one that destroyed her life?" said noted sane person Maria Diaz. "That sounds like a really frigging awful idea."
The victim's name and image were intentionally omitted from this article, which every one of the goddamn pop-news vultures should have done in the first place.
On a Tumblr site known to belong to H_____, the girl began posting cell phone shots of her beaming face and fingernails manicured in memory of her mother and brother, who were murdered by DiMaggio [Editor's note: I don't even...wow...man...].
Later on she appeared on a now-deleted Ask.fm account where she invited complete strangers to ask her about being kidnapped by a deranged psychopath that she barely escaped from TWO. DAYS. AGO.
Details have been closely guarded by police, who are aware of the social media activity and don't know what the hell.
A number of psychiatrists have spoken in support of these actions, saying that this was merely H_______'s way of reaching out for support.
"I can understand wanting someone to talk to, but reaching out to complete strangers on the internet and leaving herself vulnerable to predators just like the one that destroyed her life?" said noted sane person Maria Diaz. "That sounds like a really frigging awful idea."
The victim's name and image were intentionally omitted from this article, which every one of the goddamn pop-news vultures should have done in the first place.
Maconites Celebrate Demise of Villain
Bizarro Macon, GA (BP)- The death of convicted jaywalker Bradley Hitchens, 37, is being celebrated by righteous and intelligent news site commentators in Macon today.
The crime was first reported on BWMAC-TV during the 11 PM newscast, though details were initially sparse. Police revealed that a white male in his late thirties had been found deceased outside of Macon Steak and Bacon Diner. Facebook members were quick to send their sympathy.
"Prayers for his famly (sic)!" wrote Amber Watson, 31.
"So awful!" opined Timothy Johansen, 28.
Little did these kind-hearted people know, Bradley Hitchens was hiding a dark secret. In 2012, while in a hurry to get to work, Hitchens maliciously chose to cross the street in an area not designated for pedestrian traffic. For flagrantly spitting in the face of Lady Liberty and the very God that She serves, degenerate suckhole Bradley Hitchens was fined $50. BWMAC-TV updated their Breaking News Facebook page with this new information on the "victim".
"SCUMBAG STREET TRASH. Rot in hell feral thug!" frothed Carl Waters, 64.
"saved (sic) tax payur (sic) a lot of money putting him in prison. good ridence (sic)," raged Ethel White, 87.
"Hope they take his children out next lol!" mused RonPaul2016 Galt, 56.
Macon PD public relations head Lt. Mitch Daniels praised the response. "I'm proud to serve in a community that doesn't tolerate crime. A bullet's too good for scumbags like Bradley."
The crime was first reported on BWMAC-TV during the 11 PM newscast, though details were initially sparse. Police revealed that a white male in his late thirties had been found deceased outside of Macon Steak and Bacon Diner. Facebook members were quick to send their sympathy.
"Prayers for his famly (sic)!" wrote Amber Watson, 31.
"So awful!" opined Timothy Johansen, 28.
Little did these kind-hearted people know, Bradley Hitchens was hiding a dark secret. In 2012, while in a hurry to get to work, Hitchens maliciously chose to cross the street in an area not designated for pedestrian traffic. For flagrantly spitting in the face of Lady Liberty and the very God that She serves, degenerate suckhole Bradley Hitchens was fined $50. BWMAC-TV updated their Breaking News Facebook page with this new information on the "victim".
"SCUMBAG STREET TRASH. Rot in hell feral thug!" frothed Carl Waters, 64.
"saved (sic) tax payur (sic) a lot of money putting him in prison. good ridence (sic)," raged Ethel White, 87.
"Hope they take his children out next lol!" mused RonPaul2016 Galt, 56.
Macon PD public relations head Lt. Mitch Daniels praised the response. "I'm proud to serve in a community that doesn't tolerate crime. A bullet's too good for scumbags like Bradley."
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