Andrew Milkcow is a libertarian and conservative radio host of the Milkcow Majority on Sirius/XM Patriot. He's right, you're wrong, the arguments in this article cannot be broken (he refused to contribute this article unless we put that in the preface).
So apparently a big, scary storm blew down a bunch of shitty tarpaper shacks in the Phillip Peens. And now I'm hearing over and over again about how these people don't have access to food, water, and shelter. And they want it handed to them, and they want it now.
BAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAA! BAAAAA!! Keep bleating, sheeple!
What you bottom-feeding third-world degenerates don't seem to understand is that holding your hands out to big daddy government is what got you in this situation in the first place. If you relied on free enterprise, your nation would have big, sexy buildings that could withstand a pussy little storm just as well as your American counterparts. If you'd stop being disgusting queermo knuckle-draggers, maybe you would have figured out ages ago that the free market could have prevented all that you're going through right now. This is entirely your fault. And don't expect me to give a shit about your problems, or to have the slightest clue where your dumb country is. Reading is for homos, and learning is for ivory tower elitists.
But hope isn't lost. You can still pull yourself out of this downward spiral into socialist sodomy orgies. You're surrounded by rubble, right? It's got wood, it's got nails, it's got plastic. Build shelters! Become an architect! It's a brand new market that hasn't been tapped yet, and you could be the next big thing if you'd just got off of your lazy asses and stop bitching about dysentery.
And the dead bodies? They're still fresh, which means they're still edible. Don't give me that look, you vegan vaginas! Humans taste like pork, and pork is a perfectly good meat. It's not like those corpses are doing anything anyway. They're just sitting around, spreading diseases and waiting for the government to provide them with a linen sheet to be hastily buried in. BAAAAA! BAAAAAA! I'm dead, please help my shepherd! BAAAAA! Come to think of it, sell the human flesh as mutton. That's show those parasite sons of bitches. Speaking of parasites, be sure to cook the meat very thoroughly before selling. The free market doesn't like bad press from the health department (another socialist scam).
Oh noooo, Milkcow! You can't say that! The PC police are going to be mad!
Let those fairies get mad! I'm right! They're wrong! That's the end of the story! The arguments in this article cannot be broken! And get this! I've got progressives coming up to me every single day suggesting that I'm a deeply insecure man because I keep repeating my mantra about being right over and over again. Bullshit! Only a liberal would mistake confidence for insecurity.
Am I lamenting the fact that my youth is behind me, and rapidly fading into the distance? I don't know, maybe I am! Am I bothered about my receding hairline? Sure, whatever! Do I start screaming farm animal noises at callers who threaten to unravel my fragile sense of reality? Sure, it's funny! Do I support Randian principles and the prohibition of free market positions for businesses I don't like in the same breath? Sometimes!
Look, no, I'm not getting into this. Come on Milkcow, you've got this...Okay, here we go.
I'm right. You're wrong. The arguments in this article cannot be broken. Andrew Milkcow, Sirius/XM Patriot.
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Editorial: Sodd Tarnes Unmasks a Commie Conspiracy
Sodd Tarnes is a professionally outraged pundit that frequents Christian Broadcast News and Fox News. His accomplishments include being really, really fat at one point and is deeply concerned about white people losing beauty pageants, but he's definitely not racist because I think he might have a black friend somewhere.
Soldiers attending a pre-deployment briefing at Fort Hood were told that Afghanistan wasn't what most Americans think. In fact, it was a training run to prepare American troops to throw evangelical Christians and members of the Tea Party into FEMA labor camps. And if there were any Christians to be found among the goosestepping Obamanazis? They'd be headed for the camps too.
A soldier who attended the October 17th briefing emailed me and identified himself as Lance Corporal Ura Fagot from the 4th Chan Battalion. According to this brave and honorable Fagot, the intelligence agent in charge of the meeting arrived at the meeting wearing a swastika armband, a banana hammock, and a pair of nipple rings. For half an hour, this agent of the Satanic New World Order condemned Tea Party Patriots and Evangelicals as subversives who had to be stopped. Ordinarily, I disregard emails sent from encrypted, anonymous accounts. But when I saw it came from a soldier, I knew that every word was authentic. To distrust a soldier is to spit in the face of every brave patriot who has served our country.
Attorneys with the Liberty Institute of Freedomy Justice have taken up the case of this brave whistleblower, though thus far he has only sent them photos of a crudely drawn smirking face. We're sure Corporal Fagot will rectify this technical issue soon.
"The American public should be outraged that the U.S. Army is leading a crusade against true American patriots," said LIFJ attorney Mitch Barry, a former Marine who would never forsake his sense of duty and justice for large payoffs from 501 C3's.
This Fagot told me he's terrified of being thrown into the Socialist Re-education Bunker beneath the streets of Chicago, but his "Ameri-boner" would not allow him to stand idly by and allow this injustice.
Another soldier who attended the briefing, by some strange coincidence, contacted me about the incident soon afterward. Private Rusty Shackelford insisted that as an evangelical Christian himself, he always carried "pocketsand" to protect himself from Obama's jackbooted thugs.
"This nation is dominated by the 'PC' police, who want us to have a seat over there in the partyvan," said Shackelford. "Real Amerifats have to take off every Zig, for great justice!" he continued, using some charming military lingo.
Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council for Familial Families, insists that the Pentagon is on a Atheist crusade to destroy Christianity. Or he would have, if the cognitive dissonance between troop worship and Pentagon hatred hadn't caused a massive stroke. Dun wrry beddy! it hpprns to theeee bessttt f us.
An Army spokesman at the Pentagon insists that there is no list of organizations that the military considers to be extremist.
"We're not entirely sure what you're talking about. And we definitely don't have any personnel at Fort Hood with those names. Now for the last time, you fucking lunatic, stop calling my house," said Ron Weisenheimer, public affairs director at Fort Hood.
I sent the public affairs officer a list of loaded questions and drawings of the Earth soaked in the blood of sinners, but all I received was an arrest warrant in response.
Who will answer for these crimes against freedom? Who will serve as an ambassador for We the People? My friends, as I sit in my jail smell smeared with my own feces, I plan to send a strong message to the Communists running the American government that true Americans will not relent until we are given the respect and autocratic authority we deserve! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only legitimate entitlement there is.
Soldiers attending a pre-deployment briefing at Fort Hood were told that Afghanistan wasn't what most Americans think. In fact, it was a training run to prepare American troops to throw evangelical Christians and members of the Tea Party into FEMA labor camps. And if there were any Christians to be found among the goosestepping Obamanazis? They'd be headed for the camps too.
A soldier who attended the October 17th briefing emailed me and identified himself as Lance Corporal Ura Fagot from the 4th Chan Battalion. According to this brave and honorable Fagot, the intelligence agent in charge of the meeting arrived at the meeting wearing a swastika armband, a banana hammock, and a pair of nipple rings. For half an hour, this agent of the Satanic New World Order condemned Tea Party Patriots and Evangelicals as subversives who had to be stopped. Ordinarily, I disregard emails sent from encrypted, anonymous accounts. But when I saw it came from a soldier, I knew that every word was authentic. To distrust a soldier is to spit in the face of every brave patriot who has served our country.
Attorneys with the Liberty Institute of Freedomy Justice have taken up the case of this brave whistleblower, though thus far he has only sent them photos of a crudely drawn smirking face. We're sure Corporal Fagot will rectify this technical issue soon.
"The American public should be outraged that the U.S. Army is leading a crusade against true American patriots," said LIFJ attorney Mitch Barry, a former Marine who would never forsake his sense of duty and justice for large payoffs from 501 C3's.
This Fagot told me he's terrified of being thrown into the Socialist Re-education Bunker beneath the streets of Chicago, but his "Ameri-boner" would not allow him to stand idly by and allow this injustice.
Another soldier who attended the briefing, by some strange coincidence, contacted me about the incident soon afterward. Private Rusty Shackelford insisted that as an evangelical Christian himself, he always carried "pocketsand" to protect himself from Obama's jackbooted thugs.
"This nation is dominated by the 'PC' police, who want us to have a seat over there in the partyvan," said Shackelford. "Real Amerifats have to take off every Zig, for great justice!" he continued, using some charming military lingo.
Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council for Familial Families, insists that the Pentagon is on a Atheist crusade to destroy Christianity. Or he would have, if the cognitive dissonance between troop worship and Pentagon hatred hadn't caused a massive stroke. Dun wrry beddy! it hpprns to theeee bessttt f us.
An Army spokesman at the Pentagon insists that there is no list of organizations that the military considers to be extremist.
"We're not entirely sure what you're talking about. And we definitely don't have any personnel at Fort Hood with those names. Now for the last time, you fucking lunatic, stop calling my house," said Ron Weisenheimer, public affairs director at Fort Hood.
I sent the public affairs officer a list of loaded questions and drawings of the Earth soaked in the blood of sinners, but all I received was an arrest warrant in response.
Who will answer for these crimes against freedom? Who will serve as an ambassador for We the People? My friends, as I sit in my jail smell smeared with my own feces, I plan to send a strong message to the Communists running the American government that true Americans will not relent until we are given the respect and autocratic authority we deserve! As far as I'm concerned, that's the only legitimate entitlement there is.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Grassroots Grows Out of Control
Bizarro Post Political Activism Bureau- When Fred Harden, 46, sought to start a grassroots political organization, he thought it was going to be a simple, empowering affair.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Veterans Really Show Hastily Assembled Barriers Who's Boss
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Americans are applauding politely as scores of World War II veterans "storm" the memorial that had been closed due to the government shutdown.
The pilgrimage to the World War II memorial had been planned by the Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight, a charitable organization, for some time. Unfortunately, the date of their visit ran headlong into a government shutdown that few believed would actual happen. Their arrival was met with small plywood barriers and laserjet-printed notices that the park was closed.
"I understand that there's some confusion about why an open-air park would be closed," said Ranger Carolyn Myers. "But it's really a matter of caution, especially since a number of landmarks were vandalized just weeks ago with green paint. We don't have the security and maintenance personnel to protect and serve visitors and structures at this time."
As the despondent skeleton crew of park officials attempted to explain the orders they had been given, a number of elderly veterans hobbled to the barriers and began to bump into them gently, valiantly mustering the five pounds of sustained force needed to move the barriers. Another grabbed a warning sign and crumpled it with a vengeance, sustaining major paper cuts in the process. Concerned about the potential for future injuries, the attending rangers requested permission to allow the group access. The request was granted casually and without argument.
"You thought you could stop me again, did ya' Kraut-boy!?" a veteran yelled at a garbage can.
Veterans and their medical attendants streamed into the park, facing a stiff resistance of nobody whatsoever because they had permission to be there.
"Yeah!" shouted a volunteer pushing a veteran's chair across an unobstructed pathway. "Twenty-three skidoo! Loose lips sink ships! Buy war bonds, or whatever!"
Victory in combat was the theme of the day, as the visitors relived their glory days fighting against an oppressive, fascist government; only with less screaming, dismemberment, and indiscriminate murder. It did, however, contain roughly the same amount of powerful sociopaths and white supremacists, as Republicans turned out in droves to pose for pictures for their next campaign.
The pilgrimage to the World War II memorial had been planned by the Mississippi Gulf Coast Honor Flight, a charitable organization, for some time. Unfortunately, the date of their visit ran headlong into a government shutdown that few believed would actual happen. Their arrival was met with small plywood barriers and laserjet-printed notices that the park was closed.
"I understand that there's some confusion about why an open-air park would be closed," said Ranger Carolyn Myers. "But it's really a matter of caution, especially since a number of landmarks were vandalized just weeks ago with green paint. We don't have the security and maintenance personnel to protect and serve visitors and structures at this time."
As the despondent skeleton crew of park officials attempted to explain the orders they had been given, a number of elderly veterans hobbled to the barriers and began to bump into them gently, valiantly mustering the five pounds of sustained force needed to move the barriers. Another grabbed a warning sign and crumpled it with a vengeance, sustaining major paper cuts in the process. Concerned about the potential for future injuries, the attending rangers requested permission to allow the group access. The request was granted casually and without argument.
"You thought you could stop me again, did ya' Kraut-boy!?" a veteran yelled at a garbage can.
Veterans and their medical attendants streamed into the park, facing a stiff resistance of nobody whatsoever because they had permission to be there.
"Yeah!" shouted a volunteer pushing a veteran's chair across an unobstructed pathway. "Twenty-three skidoo! Loose lips sink ships! Buy war bonds, or whatever!"
Victory in combat was the theme of the day, as the visitors relived their glory days fighting against an oppressive, fascist government; only with less screaming, dismemberment, and indiscriminate murder. It did, however, contain roughly the same amount of powerful sociopaths and white supremacists, as Republicans turned out in droves to pose for pictures for their next campaign.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Government Shutdown: The List
Bizarro Post Clarity Bureau- The government shut down is a confusing subject for many Americans. Does it mean that all laws have been suspended? According to my lawyer and the police officer who dragged me from the burning helicopter I stole to avoid the SWAT vans pursuing me, not at all. Does it mean that politicians can't fundraise using elegant dinner parties? No! Though hijacking a septic tank truck and spraying the interior of their convention center before stealing a helicopter tends to dampen the charitable spirit of attendees.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!
Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.
Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.
Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.
Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.
Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.
Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.
Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.
Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.
Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.
Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.
Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.
Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.
Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.
Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft
Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.
Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?
Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.
Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."
Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.
Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.
Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.
Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.
FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.
Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.
Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies
Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.
Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.
Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.
Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.
Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!
International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?
International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.
Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.
NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.
National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.
National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.
National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.
NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.
Office of Government Ethics: lol
Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.
Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.
PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.
Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation
Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.
Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.
U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.
USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.
American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Myrtle Beach Strips the Strand of Strippers
Bizarro Myrtle Beach, SC (BP)- Horry County, home to the tourist destination of Myrtle Beach, has passed two new ordinances that effectively ban strip clubs from the entire county.
"I'd like to think of this as a place for families," said a supporter of the new regulations who has God only knows what lurking in his hard drives.
Adult bar owners were also present to advocate for the continued existence of strip clubs in Myrtle Beach.
"I came to this place with a dream over a decade ago," sleazed Tiddy Bare Factory owner Lance DeSilva. "I had a dream where white strippers and black strippers could join hands, and also legs, and sometimes tongues."
Besides opposing the businesses on moral grounds, strip club critics contend that the bars have a tendency to raise crime rates and attract violent offenders to the Myrtle Beach area.
Under these new ordinances, entertainers are no longer permitted to be partially nude while on the job. Adult businesses also cannot be built within 1500 feet of a church. Gosh, shouldn't the people in the congregation be able to resist temptation a little more easily than that? Just throwing that out there!
Now that strip clubs are prohibited, Myrtle Beach's primary tourist industry will be golf. As for people who aren't both rich and white, there's meth, Spice, beaches that are mostly raw sewage, YOLO shirts, and a diverse, vibrant homeless population.
"I'd like to think of this as a place for families," said a supporter of the new regulations who has God only knows what lurking in his hard drives.
Adult bar owners were also present to advocate for the continued existence of strip clubs in Myrtle Beach.
"I came to this place with a dream over a decade ago," sleazed Tiddy Bare Factory owner Lance DeSilva. "I had a dream where white strippers and black strippers could join hands, and also legs, and sometimes tongues."
Besides opposing the businesses on moral grounds, strip club critics contend that the bars have a tendency to raise crime rates and attract violent offenders to the Myrtle Beach area.
Under these new ordinances, entertainers are no longer permitted to be partially nude while on the job. Adult businesses also cannot be built within 1500 feet of a church. Gosh, shouldn't the people in the congregation be able to resist temptation a little more easily than that? Just throwing that out there!
Now that strip clubs are prohibited, Myrtle Beach's primary tourist industry will be golf. As for people who aren't both rich and white, there's meth, Spice, beaches that are mostly raw sewage, YOLO shirts, and a diverse, vibrant homeless population.
Monday, September 2, 2013
South Carolinians Taxed More Than Enough Already
Bizarro Columbia, SC (BP)- South Carolina is concluding the fiscal year with an even higher surplus than anticipated, and residents are furious.
"I expected better from [Governor] Haley," said Summerville resident Fran Shoemaker. "Taxes are enough of a burden, but now you're telling me that they took more of my money then they needed? It's obscene!"
The government of South Carolina largely consists of staunch conservatives, who are wary of any spending or federal contributions and programs. As a result, the state is reporting a surplus of $160 million for the 2012-13 fiscal year.
"We won't let this sneak its way out of the news cycle," said Columbia Tea Party organizer Cynthia Bauman. "The capitol will be held accountable for its irresponsible over-taxation."
The majority of South Carolina residents respond positively to messages touting "spending cuts" and "fiscal responsibility" according to surveys and focus groups. It's little wonder that like-minded politicians tend to get elected.
"I'm not a tax-and-spend kind of guy, but anyone can see we've got problems with our roads. Potholes everywhere, dangerous intersections, the works," said Charleston local Mitch Carlyle.
"Look, I dislike government spending as much as the next guy, but beach erosion should be a top issue. That and keeping dangerous bacteria away from the beaches," said Myrtle Beach store owner Brent Carmack.
"Instead of dumping money into other frivolous crap, we need to focus on our school systems. They're lagging behind," said Loris teacher Shirley Harris.
"We've got to get a handle on this spending that our government's been doing. But damned if that bridge isn't looking mighty rusty. Aught to fix that. Don't know why they haven't," said Florence hotel manager Tim Sheldon.
"I expected better from [Governor] Haley," said Summerville resident Fran Shoemaker. "Taxes are enough of a burden, but now you're telling me that they took more of my money then they needed? It's obscene!"
The government of South Carolina largely consists of staunch conservatives, who are wary of any spending or federal contributions and programs. As a result, the state is reporting a surplus of $160 million for the 2012-13 fiscal year.
"We won't let this sneak its way out of the news cycle," said Columbia Tea Party organizer Cynthia Bauman. "The capitol will be held accountable for its irresponsible over-taxation."
The majority of South Carolina residents respond positively to messages touting "spending cuts" and "fiscal responsibility" according to surveys and focus groups. It's little wonder that like-minded politicians tend to get elected.
"I'm not a tax-and-spend kind of guy, but anyone can see we've got problems with our roads. Potholes everywhere, dangerous intersections, the works," said Charleston local Mitch Carlyle.
"Look, I dislike government spending as much as the next guy, but beach erosion should be a top issue. That and keeping dangerous bacteria away from the beaches," said Myrtle Beach store owner Brent Carmack.
"Instead of dumping money into other frivolous crap, we need to focus on our school systems. They're lagging behind," said Loris teacher Shirley Harris.
"We've got to get a handle on this spending that our government's been doing. But damned if that bridge isn't looking mighty rusty. Aught to fix that. Don't know why they haven't," said Florence hotel manager Tim Sheldon.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
No Votes for NC
Bizarro Raleigh, NC (BP)- Governor Pat McCrory signed an unprecedented new bill into law today, ending all voting in the entire state of North Carolina.
"I was thinking to myself, you know, sometimes the voters just get things wrong," said Governor McCrory after inviting the press into his newly constructed Governor's Bunker. "Why risk the public voting Republicans out of office? We're the best choice for this state and this nation. Why waste the time and money allowing people to dispute that?"
It seems highly likely that opponents of this law will take their objection all the way to the Supreme Court, where it is expected to be upheld in a 5-to-4 decision by most legal analysts.
Supporters gathered outside the North Carolina Capitol Building to lavish praise upon their no-longer-elected officials.
"I think it's real good," sad supporter Clem E. Lee. "I see those black fellers in front of the pollin' place lookin' all thugish, and I get right scared!"
When asked if he was referring to the infamous photo of two uniformed Black Panthers outside of a polling place in Philadelphia in 2008, Lee didn't seem to know what we were talking about.
"Never been to Philly, praise God," Lee replied. "Nah, this feller was wearin' a Best Buy polo and sayin' he had to hurry a'fore his shift started. 'Holder's People' think they're entitled to everything."
Lee's sentiments were echoed in a rare act of out-of-court punditry by Supreme Court Justice Anthony Scalia.
"Voting rights are just another form of racial entitlement," Scalia said while dabbing the grease from his combover. "I mean, you see all these Disney movies with enchanted kingdoms and whatnot. No fish people voted for King Triton, but it all seemed pretty nice to me. Hell, they break into song about how great it is! Seems like a no-brainer."
"I was thinking to myself, you know, sometimes the voters just get things wrong," said Governor McCrory after inviting the press into his newly constructed Governor's Bunker. "Why risk the public voting Republicans out of office? We're the best choice for this state and this nation. Why waste the time and money allowing people to dispute that?"
It seems highly likely that opponents of this law will take their objection all the way to the Supreme Court, where it is expected to be upheld in a 5-to-4 decision by most legal analysts.
Supporters gathered outside the North Carolina Capitol Building to lavish praise upon their no-longer-elected officials.
"I think it's real good," sad supporter Clem E. Lee. "I see those black fellers in front of the pollin' place lookin' all thugish, and I get right scared!"
When asked if he was referring to the infamous photo of two uniformed Black Panthers outside of a polling place in Philadelphia in 2008, Lee didn't seem to know what we were talking about.
"Never been to Philly, praise God," Lee replied. "Nah, this feller was wearin' a Best Buy polo and sayin' he had to hurry a'fore his shift started. 'Holder's People' think they're entitled to everything."
Lee's sentiments were echoed in a rare act of out-of-court punditry by Supreme Court Justice Anthony Scalia.
"Voting rights are just another form of racial entitlement," Scalia said while dabbing the grease from his combover. "I mean, you see all these Disney movies with enchanted kingdoms and whatnot. No fish people voted for King Triton, but it all seemed pretty nice to me. Hell, they break into song about how great it is! Seems like a no-brainer."
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Kentucky Gets Shariah'd
Bizarro Frankfort, KY (BP)- The Commonwealth of Kentucky is stunned today after it found itself under the control of Shariah Law.
J. Michael Brown, Secretary of the Justice and Public Safety Cabinet, left his office to use the restroom early Tuesday morning when Taj Ali seized Secretary Brown's chair and called Dibs. Ali is a "qadis", which is a judge appointed to interpret Shariah Law. Justice Cabinet staff could only stand outside of the conquered office as Taj Ali began his work.
"If only we had outlawed this," said a dejected Secretary Brown, weeping softly as his name is scraped from the office door's window. "Why didn't we listen to Oklahoma, or North Carolina?"
The calling of Dibs legally transfers the authority of the Justice Cabinet to the control of the caller. Unless Ali leaves the office open to a Counter-Dib, it cannot be reclaimed. Supporters of Shariah Law brought a chemical toilet and coolers full of humus and bottled water--suggesting that the new head of Kentucky's justice branch wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
"We have seen that this state failed to explicitly forbid Shariah, and felt that this opportunity was too good to pass up," said Secretary Ali.
This is the second sudden change in administration for Kentucky in 2013. In early April, a Trekkie named Benjamin Thompson called Dibs on the Kentucky Department of Transportation. Driver's education courses were redefined as "Starfleet Navigational Academies", and all KDOT employees subordinate to Thompson were forced to wear skintight red uniforms.
J. Michael Brown, Secretary of the Justice and Public Safety Cabinet, left his office to use the restroom early Tuesday morning when Taj Ali seized Secretary Brown's chair and called Dibs. Ali is a "qadis", which is a judge appointed to interpret Shariah Law. Justice Cabinet staff could only stand outside of the conquered office as Taj Ali began his work.
"If only we had outlawed this," said a dejected Secretary Brown, weeping softly as his name is scraped from the office door's window. "Why didn't we listen to Oklahoma, or North Carolina?"
The calling of Dibs legally transfers the authority of the Justice Cabinet to the control of the caller. Unless Ali leaves the office open to a Counter-Dib, it cannot be reclaimed. Supporters of Shariah Law brought a chemical toilet and coolers full of humus and bottled water--suggesting that the new head of Kentucky's justice branch wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.
"We have seen that this state failed to explicitly forbid Shariah, and felt that this opportunity was too good to pass up," said Secretary Ali.
This is the second sudden change in administration for Kentucky in 2013. In early April, a Trekkie named Benjamin Thompson called Dibs on the Kentucky Department of Transportation. Driver's education courses were redefined as "Starfleet Navigational Academies", and all KDOT employees subordinate to Thompson were forced to wear skintight red uniforms.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: The Punishment, The Poems, and The Puppies
Teen Beaten Back to Life
Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.
Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.
"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."
By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.
"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."
Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.
For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.
Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.
Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"
Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"
Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.
"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."
The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.
"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."
Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."
The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers
Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.
"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.
The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.
"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"
Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.
"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."
For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:
Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster
That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers
"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."
But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.
The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.
NSA Puppy Parade
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.
"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.
Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell
phone and not modified, they sometimes contain unobscured faces, license plates, and other information that could be used to facilitate identity theft.
"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"
Bizarro Ozark, MO (BP)- A 16-year-old boy who fell from an overpass and broke his spine found himself healed in a miraculous act of heroism. His savior was not an EMT or a skilled spinal surgeon. In fact, it was two police officers doing their duty to protect the public.
Drivers noticed M. Hutchinson walking down the side of a busy road, oblivious to the traffic zipping by at 50-miles-per-hour just feet away.
"He wasn't drunk or anything, that I could see. He seemed really upset, though," said a Nancy Wetherbee, who called 911. "I just wanted to stop him from hurting himself, or causing an accident."
By the time police arrived, Ms. Wetherbee's worst fears had already been realized. Hutchinson lay at the base of an overpass, having apparently fallen or jumped off. His back and heel were broken by the impact, and the agony left him moaning and delirious. Officer Frye Bacon and his partner, Officer Ouda Compton, approached the crumpled body.
"We ordered the subject to get to his feet several times, but he refused," said Officer Bacon. "We determined that he was a deadly threat to the free world, and we deployed our non-lethal defense cudgels."
Non-lethal defense cudgels, known commonly as "nightsticks", are designed to disable (alleged) lawbreaking degenerates with generous applications of blunt force trauma.
For the next ten minutes, the responding officers beat Hutchinson with blows driven by their undying love of American justice. At one point, unbeknownst to either men, the displaced vertebrae in Hutchinson's spine was pushed back into place. The teen was not out of the woods yet. Though the bone structure was restored, Hutchinson's damaged nervous system couldn't reach anything below his waist.
Meanwhile, according to police reports, the teen began cursing at the officers.
Officer Compton recommended a change in tactics. "No matter how many times I struck him in the groin, he wouldn't comply with our commands. And then he started saying stuff like, 'Stop hitting me you asshole! I can't feel my legs!'"
Compton's face goes red as he remembers, his chubby fingers clenching and unclenching. "I was like, 'Okay. Time to ride the lightning, you little shit.'"
Both officers drew their tasers and fired 19 times, no longer shouting commands.
"He wasn't talking shit then," said Officer Bacon. "I was a big man. I WAS SUCH A BIG GODDAMN MAN."
The constant application of voltage was just the thing Hutchinson needed. Not only did feeling return to his lower body, but he was finally able to stand. After being frisked and cuffed, an EMT was called to remove the taser barbs in accordance with police standards. When the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics were in for a shock.
"We found the officers on the scene, sweaty and spent," said EMT Ben Dover. "When the suspect described his symptoms to me, it became clear that something very serious had happened to his spinal column."
Hutchinson was transported to a nearby hospital, where it was discovered that he had suffered severe spinal trauma--all of which had been rectified by the actions of the Officers Bacon and Compton.
"It's amazing," said Dr. Rex Sever. "I don't know how those officers learned to treat spinal injuries, but they couldn't have done a better job."
The Chief of Police agreed, granting the hero officers a month of paid leave. Hutchinson is expected to be released from the hospital soon and face charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Cursing Allowance Empowers Young Writers
Bizarro Monroe, SC (BP)- Creative Writing students at Monroe High School were surprised and delighted when teacher John Walters confirmed that, yes, it was acceptable to curse in their writing.
"I feel so goddamn liberated!" said student Cynthia Leigh.
The teacher's new policy had immediate and dramatic effects on the pieces being turned in. Word counts nearly doubled, dialogue replaced stilted descriptions, and students became more invested in peer reviews.
"Holy shit, man! I love workshop day!" said aspiring poet Shaun Foley. "I'm always finding badass new ways to fucking curse!"
Walters was encouraged at first, but the compelling results came with a price.
"I wanted to give them complete creative freedom, to let them spread their wings," said Walters, drinking something from a coffee mug even though the only coffee machine in school was in the teacher's lounge and it had been broken for weeks. "I thought they would get it out of their system, but it's only gotten more ridiculous by the day."
For example, Walters provided us with a sample from Haiku Day:
Henry "Bitchslapper" Webster
That fuckin' flower
Waves in the wind or some shit
Bitches love flowers
"I don't really know what to do," Walters groaned, his hands pressed to his face in sorrow. "The principal wants me to start putting classwork up in the hallway to improve morale, I have to explain to parents why their kids aren't bringing home things to put on the fridge. And the class is dead set on entering the 2012 Young Writer Showdown. I'm screwed."
But anyone can see that Mr.Walters' Freshman Creative Writing kids are humming with creative energy. Shattered are the cruel chains of puritan oppression. Every child is undergoing a personal renaissance, escaping from the oppressive dark ages to challenge a world that scowls upon empowerment through art. The Bizarro Post has taken up the task of distributing the works offered for publication by Walters' students. We've stapled them to telephone poles, nailed them to church doors, and hot glued them to stray animals (and animals we assumed were stray) in an act of subversive guerrilla publishing that we are sure our favorite young authors would approve of.
The world will see the glory of your tutelage, Mr. Walters. On behalf of everyone at The Bizarro Post, you're welcome.
NSA Puppy Parade
Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- In attempt to repair tense public relations and increase national morale, the NSA have combed their catalog of intercepted data for pictures of adorable puppies and made them available online.
"We've got sleepy huskies, happy puggles, and every single breed of dog crossbred with corgis. My favorite one is the malamute corgi," said Agent __________ __________.
Critics have noted that the exif data is still intact on the files, which compromises the safety and privacy of pictures that were intended for friends and family. Since the pictures were grabbed directly from the photographer's cell
"But the puppies are really cute," said Haley Wilson, a teacher from Bizarro Madison, Wisconsin. "And you can search by all kinds of photo tags. My favorite one is 'guilty faces', the way they've got the puppies sitting next to a trashcan they tipped over and looking at the floor. They know what they did wrong! Yes they did! Yesh they dyiiiiddd!"
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
REDACTED Furious Over CIA REDACTED
Bizarro Langley, VA (BP)- Pierre Monet (born Joe-Bob Riggs), was ecstatic at the chance to finally put his bachelor's degree in interior design to work after nearly a decade of underemployment [Editors Note: Any job's actually "overemployment" with that degree, am I right?]
His first client was the CIA.
"I was thrilled! The cavity search was a small price to pay for being allowed to work on this massive project," said the artist in an interview just after his hiring was approved.
For months, he labored in secrecy within the bowels of the CIA's notorious complex. Displays were built, plaques were inscribed and redacted, and artifacts arrived by the dozen. Saddam's mustache. Pinochet's child-sized iron maiden. Julian Assange's thumb drive of embarrassing fetish pornography. The _______________ used to____________John F. _________. All of these treasures and more were lovingly displayed by Monet.
"I was so proud. And the guys in the office loved it! They would stand around looking at the displays and thinking back to old times until they noticed I was near enough to hear them. Then they would shoot at me a little bit until I moved along. Real jokers."
But when it came time to reveal his work to the public, he learned that there would be no ribbon cutting. There would be no visitors, or press. When Monet threatened to tell the press about his display, he was involuntarily placed in a mental hospital due to his "wild conspiracy theories".
"It's not so bad in here," said Monet in a closely-supervised meeting with Bizarro Post reporters. "The people in here believe just about everything I say. I'm pretty sure I even saw my therapist taking notes when I talked about my masterpiece. Someone's going to blow this thing wide open. The truth is spreading more every day!"
Today the truth was casually revealed during a brief feature on the museum by Richard Engel on NBC's "Nightly News". When asked if the acknowledgement of the museum's existence proved the designer's "conspiracy theories" were all true, curator Toni Hiley shrugged.
"Never heard of him. Nobody here has. You haven't either," Hiley said before turning to the camera. "None of you have."
The staff of the Bizarro Post would like to affirm that we have no knowledge of any of this, and don't know who this article is even profiling, and please don't waterboard us.
His first client was the CIA.
"I was thrilled! The cavity search was a small price to pay for being allowed to work on this massive project," said the artist in an interview just after his hiring was approved.
For months, he labored in secrecy within the bowels of the CIA's notorious complex. Displays were built, plaques were inscribed and redacted, and artifacts arrived by the dozen. Saddam's mustache. Pinochet's child-sized iron maiden. Julian Assange's thumb drive of embarrassing fetish pornography. The _______________ used to____________John F. _________. All of these treasures and more were lovingly displayed by Monet.
"I was so proud. And the guys in the office loved it! They would stand around looking at the displays and thinking back to old times until they noticed I was near enough to hear them. Then they would shoot at me a little bit until I moved along. Real jokers."
But when it came time to reveal his work to the public, he learned that there would be no ribbon cutting. There would be no visitors, or press. When Monet threatened to tell the press about his display, he was involuntarily placed in a mental hospital due to his "wild conspiracy theories".
"It's not so bad in here," said Monet in a closely-supervised meeting with Bizarro Post reporters. "The people in here believe just about everything I say. I'm pretty sure I even saw my therapist taking notes when I talked about my masterpiece. Someone's going to blow this thing wide open. The truth is spreading more every day!"
Today the truth was casually revealed during a brief feature on the museum by Richard Engel on NBC's "Nightly News". When asked if the acknowledgement of the museum's existence proved the designer's "conspiracy theories" were all true, curator Toni Hiley shrugged.
"Never heard of him. Nobody here has. You haven't either," Hiley said before turning to the camera. "None of you have."
The staff of the Bizarro Post would like to affirm that we have no knowledge of any of this, and don't know who this article is even profiling, and please don't waterboard us.
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