Bizarro Post Cringe Crisis Response Team- On December 9th, an article was published to Huffington Post's "Style" section by Ellie Krupnick. It referred to a totally legitimate report by a marketing firm that found 58 percent of men ages 18-24 and 63 percent of those 25-34 use some kind of moisturizing product. Brace yourself guys, because that number goes down once a man become elderly. Gosh, it's almost like it's not being used for its "age defying" properties! But that surely can't be the case!
What's more, she strongly recommends getting the man in your life a supply of his very own lotion, because for some reason they tend to use it whenever nobody is around to see them do it:
"A Escentual.com survey found that your boyfriend is likely to grab your Clarins Extra Firming Day Cream or DIOR Capture Totale Multi-Perfection Crème while you're not looking."
Huhuhuhuh. Hey Beavis. "Firming." (Also, what in the FUCK is "Multi-Perfection"?)
And the final line--oh, it is a thing of beauty!
"Avoid that fate by buying your man some day cream of his own -- chances are, he's probably into the stuff already."
Guys? Nobody tell her.
Showing posts with label Society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Society. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Angry Grandpa Revives a Piece of Beloved Americana
BIzarro Post Social Media Bureau- The Clifford family has spent the better part of a decade trying to teach their elderly grandfather how to write inflammatory opinions online. The reason? Clement Clifford currently uses a sign on his front lawn instead.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
The best thing about these signs? No elitist spellcheck.
"You see that sign with the rectangular bumps and the dull yellow lights on top, and the first thing that comes to mind is a liquor store. Maybe a failing auto-body shop," says son Richard Clifford. "But he doesn't even run a business out of his house. He bought that sign from Harold's XXX Emporium when it shut down, and now he's out there updating it every other day."
Much like rusted car parts and weather-faded Fisher Price playsets, the interchangeable letter sign is the international symbol for impending failure. Its body may have been white once, but every model invariably curdles into a nicotine-yellow as the elements take their toll. Rambunctious teenagers have sometimes braved Clement's watchful eye to rearrange the letters into funny anagrams involving "farts", "jews", and "boners."
Clement refuses to take his relentless opining to the Internet, where it could potentially be seen by far more people than travelers that trickle down his rural street.
"I believe in doing things the old way, the way they should be done," Clement said, cradling an armful of letters out to his sign. "There are so many people on that Internet place, saying anything is like shouting against a strong wind. This is simple and memorable. Heck, when's the last time your news people did a story on someone who wasn't a celebrity writing something on Twitter. And here you are today!"
Shit, he's got us there.
Perhaps when we use Twitter and Facebook to express an opinion to the entire world, we're overreaching . We're attributing a sense of self-importance to ourselves that just isn't warranted. But this sign, this sepia toned, dingy sign filled with abandoned wasp nests has a role to play in modern society as well. It speaks to the community, where neighbors know each other by name. Where handshakes aren't an unimportant formality, but a gesture that crafts partnerships and friendships that last a lifetime. Maybe we shouldn't define the value of our beliefs by the hitcounts they garner, or their position in Google's index. Like the pioneers of the printing press, Clement's sign challenges him to place each letter by hand. There is no shortage of time to contemplate his message, no urgency to press send before the digital hivemind moves on. Each new message requires long and quiet moments of contemplation.
Perhaps that rusty fire hazard of a sign is more important than it ever has been. Tweet your response to the Bizarro Post, or write your opinion on an Instigram photo of your lunch and link us to it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Voice of the Bizarro People: PTSD Isn't Free
Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Hidden War on Freaks and Geeks
Bizarro Post Preventative Measures Bureau- President Obama and top Pentagon officials have announced an ambitious plan to stop spontaneous acts of violence from America's most troubled young men.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
In a rare glimpse into the inner-workings of the Obama Administration's shadowy war machine, it has been revealed that nerds and outcasts are being classified according to threat levels.
Green Threat: Individual is nerdy and generally repellent. However, this person has a circle of friends (sympathetic preps, Bronies, Furries, miscellaneous nerd conclaves) and could potentially rectify his status entirely with lifestyle and hygiene adjustments. Low risk.
Yellow Threat: Individual is nerdy and repellent in a way that cannot be easily rectified, if it can be treated at all. If this person does participate in any group activities, he does not actively contribute anything beyond his presence and/or financial support. Individual is a devotee of 4chan, and makes frequent references to "becoming an hero." Moderate threat.
Red Threat: Individual is either deformed, disfigured, or has a mental or physical impairment that makes them undesirable. They have selfishly taken society's rejection of them to heart, and have thoughtlessly allowed themselves to slide into a constant state of psychological chaos. High threat.
While the classification list has been openly offered to the public, Wikileaks documents suggest that simply listing potential threats isn't the extent of the covert program. There are references to assaults by special forces operatives on "giant nerds", which ultimately resulted in a number of extra-judicial deaths. Half-assed attempts to cover the incidents up were apparently insufficient to hide the true nature of these events. Fortunately, as the Pentagon anticipated, nobody cares. The public has taken a similar stance on attacks that apparently targeted a number of rural families by mistake. Photos taken by hidden bystanders revealed an Admiral overseeing the sacrifice of a goat on the properties of one of these mistaken raids to appease the locals. The White House continues to deny that these documents are valid.
"In this age of modern warfare, we have to be as transparent as possible to our allies to maintain a reputation that is conducive to civility and joint operations," said President Obama, addressing an assembly of West Point cadets. "The rule of law is paramount. Ha! Just fuckin' with ya'! We basically do whatever we want, because nobody is strong enough to hold us accountable! Suck it, chumps!"
With Americans obsessed with a struggling healthcare website and baseball beards, it is anticipated that they will continue to suck it for the conceivable future.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Local Alcoholic Father Much More Pleasant When Drunk
Bizarro Gary, IN (BP)- The wife and children of a local alcoholic father live in constant terror whenever Harry Wilson is sober.
"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.
The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.
"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."
Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.
"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."
It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.
We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!
"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.
The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.
"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."
Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.
"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."
It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.
We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!
Editorial: Captain Patriarchy-Pants
Mynn Lessina is a novelist and a........is there a reason we keep publishing "Mommy" blogger? Anybody have a rough childhood back in sales? Some mommy issues? Speak up, because I'd really rather not have my face turned into a skinmask in your woodshed later.
"We need a lady monster so we can boss it around."
That was the shot heard round the blogosphere, as Captain Underpants declared war on the female gender and one pissed-off mommy blogger.
This phrase was uttered by a mad scientist, explaining to his dull-witted henchman that they would need the DNA of an "attractive" woman, because a female monster would "wash our dishes and iron our shirts."
I know what you're thinking. These two characters are villains, and cartoonishly inept villains at that! Because they're villains, anything they say is a demonstration of what insane assholes think. What's more, these are villains drawn and written by a pair of gradeschool boys who are notorious for being anti-social little anarchists who have spent the last decade or so shattering their school principal's psyche and making him run around in his underwear placing himself in mortal danger. All of the misogynistic opinions come from the imaginations of children that we're obviously not supposed to emulate. That means it's okay, right?
WRONG, YOU FASCIST DEGENERATES.
As I watched my son laugh at the scene of a beautiful young woman being turned into a giant toilet monster, I found myself wondering if there was a way to castrate a book with garden shears that wouldn't make me seem weird if anyone saw me.
The Night of the Terror of the Revenge of the Curse of the Bride of Hairy Potty is a hate letter to all of womankind disguised as a high-brow piece of children's literature. But its venom has been allowed to course through the veins of America's literary institutions for too long.
Knowing nothing about the Captain Underpants franchise but troubled by this alarming assault on my gender, I spring into action. No Wikipedia article went unskimmed. No TV Tropes page went unglanced at. I talked to two real-live female librarians about it. After I promised to leave without making them call the police, one of them conceded to me that there were very few female characters in Captain Underpants at all. Oh, but this was okay, because it was a book marketed at young boys. SCREW YOU, GENDER-TRAITOR. The world is already delivered to men on a silver platter, but they get to have their own books now?
And these two fourth-grade boys that act as protagonists in the Captain Underpants world--George and Harold--are more than old enough to know about gender studies. They're more than old enough to fully grasp the nuance of fem-lit-theory and its role in contemporary historical blogging. Don't give me any bullshit about their "brains not being developed enough to make responsible decisions" or "projecting my hatred of all men onto two fictional children who are young enough to believe toilets are the foundation of all comedy." These books are written by a 47-year-old man! What's a creepy old man doing writing children's books anyway? This young, bold children's book author (Me. I mean me.) wants answers!
The crusade begins here! You've fucked with the wrong blogger, Dav Pilkey, you Phalli-Hitler son-of-a-(empowered and self-employed)whore! I'll have you know that my blog has over 10,000 hits, and only 78% are from Russian data mining websites.
"We need a lady monster so we can boss it around."
That was the shot heard round the blogosphere, as Captain Underpants declared war on the female gender and one pissed-off mommy blogger.
This phrase was uttered by a mad scientist, explaining to his dull-witted henchman that they would need the DNA of an "attractive" woman, because a female monster would "wash our dishes and iron our shirts."
I know what you're thinking. These two characters are villains, and cartoonishly inept villains at that! Because they're villains, anything they say is a demonstration of what insane assholes think. What's more, these are villains drawn and written by a pair of gradeschool boys who are notorious for being anti-social little anarchists who have spent the last decade or so shattering their school principal's psyche and making him run around in his underwear placing himself in mortal danger. All of the misogynistic opinions come from the imaginations of children that we're obviously not supposed to emulate. That means it's okay, right?
WRONG, YOU FASCIST DEGENERATES.
As I watched my son laugh at the scene of a beautiful young woman being turned into a giant toilet monster, I found myself wondering if there was a way to castrate a book with garden shears that wouldn't make me seem weird if anyone saw me.
The Night of the Terror of the Revenge of the Curse of the Bride of Hairy Potty is a hate letter to all of womankind disguised as a high-brow piece of children's literature. But its venom has been allowed to course through the veins of America's literary institutions for too long.
Knowing nothing about the Captain Underpants franchise but troubled by this alarming assault on my gender, I spring into action. No Wikipedia article went unskimmed. No TV Tropes page went unglanced at. I talked to two real-live female librarians about it. After I promised to leave without making them call the police, one of them conceded to me that there were very few female characters in Captain Underpants at all. Oh, but this was okay, because it was a book marketed at young boys. SCREW YOU, GENDER-TRAITOR. The world is already delivered to men on a silver platter, but they get to have their own books now?
And these two fourth-grade boys that act as protagonists in the Captain Underpants world--George and Harold--are more than old enough to know about gender studies. They're more than old enough to fully grasp the nuance of fem-lit-theory and its role in contemporary historical blogging. Don't give me any bullshit about their "brains not being developed enough to make responsible decisions" or "projecting my hatred of all men onto two fictional children who are young enough to believe toilets are the foundation of all comedy." These books are written by a 47-year-old man! What's a creepy old man doing writing children's books anyway? This young, bold children's book author (Me. I mean me.) wants answers!
The crusade begins here! You've fucked with the wrong blogger, Dav Pilkey, you Phalli-Hitler son-of-a-(empowered and self-employed)whore! I'll have you know that my blog has over 10,000 hits, and only 78% are from Russian data mining websites.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Editorial: Gan Dainor White-Splains the Redskins
Gan Dainor is an obese white man who really wants you to know that what doesn't offend him should never offend you, and that what offends him should be banned by law and punishable by lengthy incarceration.
Political parties are fighting in D.C., but journalists have decided that the most critical issue facing America is the name of a football team! Which is just ridiculous, since everyone knows you can only be concerned about one thing at any given time. My psychiatrist calls it a "serious disorder." I call it "laser-focused cognition."
What's in a name? When it comes to the Redskins, The Washington Post has devoted a lot of ink to editorials roasting the name as racist and indefensible. In fact, they used 31,000 words this year alone! That's seven times the words that are in the U.S. Constitution (proof positive that the writers are Hitler-loving Communists). But most Americans, and by "most Americans" I mean me because I'm projecting myself on all of you, are not offended by the name.
Naturally, everyone critical of the name has labeled people like me, and Most Americans by proxy, as racists. This is typical of liberals, who have appointed themselves the arbiters of all morality. It's also why I have to go out of my way to tell you what Most Americans really think, and why you deserve to be beaten mercilessly for disagreeing.
Mike Wise makes no bones about his support of Race Thugging (I made that one myself! It's provocative, yet factual.). "Trying to enlighten [Most Americans] is like trying to enlighten your half-cocked, old-head uncle who uses racial epithets at Thanksgiving dinner. At some point, you either let him eat or kick him out." Wow, getting uncomfortable about your racist grandpa shouting about Jews drinking baby blood during Thanksgiving dinner? Who's the real bigot, liberals? The Dainor family has never let a single Thanksgiving pass without playing a rousing game of Madlibs: The Strom Thurmond Edition.
Redskins Owner Dan Snyder has used actual logic to defend his team's name, not white guilt. In 1932, four players and the head coach were Native Americans! And if you can think of a more racially aware time in American history, I dare you to name it!
The bottom line is that the media is once again attempting mind control. They're writing these editorials in an attempt to convince you that their point of view is the correct one, and that's just sick. The same liberals that labeled "Piss Christ" a work of art now rail against a sports team with a terrible, terrrrrible nammmeee!
Let's be honest. America has been extremely kind to Native Americans. We gave them blankets, liquor, and guns. Our military guided them on a scenic and beautiful hike to the heartland of America, where they thrive to this day. And when are white people going to get THEIR reservations? Huh!? We gave you all that out of the goodness of our hearts! I think you owe us one little racial slur that we're allowed to use. Maybe we'll even forgive you for Custer.
I've seen Pocahantas, Last of the Mohicans, and Disney's Peter Pan dozens of times. It's safe to say that I know more than enough about Native American culture than most liberals will ever forget. And as an expert in their culture, I can tell you they would be proud of an entire NFL team that honors their heritage. If they're not, we gave you your dignity, and we'll sure as heck take it away if you cross We the People. Fair warning, injuns.
Political parties are fighting in D.C., but journalists have decided that the most critical issue facing America is the name of a football team! Which is just ridiculous, since everyone knows you can only be concerned about one thing at any given time. My psychiatrist calls it a "serious disorder." I call it "laser-focused cognition."
What's in a name? When it comes to the Redskins, The Washington Post has devoted a lot of ink to editorials roasting the name as racist and indefensible. In fact, they used 31,000 words this year alone! That's seven times the words that are in the U.S. Constitution (proof positive that the writers are Hitler-loving Communists). But most Americans, and by "most Americans" I mean me because I'm projecting myself on all of you, are not offended by the name.
Naturally, everyone critical of the name has labeled people like me, and Most Americans by proxy, as racists. This is typical of liberals, who have appointed themselves the arbiters of all morality. It's also why I have to go out of my way to tell you what Most Americans really think, and why you deserve to be beaten mercilessly for disagreeing.
Mike Wise makes no bones about his support of Race Thugging (I made that one myself! It's provocative, yet factual.). "Trying to enlighten [Most Americans] is like trying to enlighten your half-cocked, old-head uncle who uses racial epithets at Thanksgiving dinner. At some point, you either let him eat or kick him out." Wow, getting uncomfortable about your racist grandpa shouting about Jews drinking baby blood during Thanksgiving dinner? Who's the real bigot, liberals? The Dainor family has never let a single Thanksgiving pass without playing a rousing game of Madlibs: The Strom Thurmond Edition.
Redskins Owner Dan Snyder has used actual logic to defend his team's name, not white guilt. In 1932, four players and the head coach were Native Americans! And if you can think of a more racially aware time in American history, I dare you to name it!
The bottom line is that the media is once again attempting mind control. They're writing these editorials in an attempt to convince you that their point of view is the correct one, and that's just sick. The same liberals that labeled "Piss Christ" a work of art now rail against a sports team with a terrible, terrrrrible nammmeee!
Let's be honest. America has been extremely kind to Native Americans. We gave them blankets, liquor, and guns. Our military guided them on a scenic and beautiful hike to the heartland of America, where they thrive to this day. And when are white people going to get THEIR reservations? Huh!? We gave you all that out of the goodness of our hearts! I think you owe us one little racial slur that we're allowed to use. Maybe we'll even forgive you for Custer.
I've seen Pocahantas, Last of the Mohicans, and Disney's Peter Pan dozens of times. It's safe to say that I know more than enough about Native American culture than most liberals will ever forget. And as an expert in their culture, I can tell you they would be proud of an entire NFL team that honors their heritage. If they're not, we gave you your dignity, and we'll sure as heck take it away if you cross We the People. Fair warning, injuns.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Welcome, Karmel. To the Machine.
Bizarro Post Propaganda Bureau- On behalf of propagandists across the United States, I would like to extend a warm welcome to Karmel Allison as we place her into our noise machine's vast repertoire of heavily distorted non-events.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Some might point out that Allison, who nearly fainted while standing behind President Obama during a speech on the Affordable Care Act, is both diabetic and pregnant. They might also mention that she was standing behind one of the most powerful and controversial men in the world, and that she, unaccustomed to massive amounts of exposure, was now being seen by millions of critical eyes. That's what people concerned with logic would say. We, however, are concerned with messaging.
GUIDELINES FOR USING KARMAL ALLISON'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF HER ENTIRE LIFE FOR FUN, BUT MOSTLY PROFIT:
"I always feel sick when I listen to OZERO/BUMBA/ODUMBASS/HITLER/ECT. speak too!"
"She must have gotten hit by all the hot air coming from directly in front of her (IT'S FARTZ LOL)!"
"I bet she saw the secret pricetag of Obamacare on the teleprompter, since Obama is the first president in the history of the nation to ever use a teleprompter for any reason."
"BENGHAZI BENGHAZI Karmel Allison BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!"
"She must have seen a Teabagger living up to their name lol!"
Welcome Allison, to our fanciful world of high-octane fear. There aren't any benefits really, unless you really like being stalked by insane strangers that want to vomit rage all over your Facebook account and maybe take a picture of your house.
Editorial: Walking Dead? More Like....Tax....Instead!
Dr. Handy Twinerlegs is a practicing OBGYN who for some reason is apparently supposed to have credible opinions about sociology (and can we just acknowledge that the concept of male gynecologists is just.....you know, I really don't want to paint the entire profession with a broad brush, but you have to believe that there's at least one guy out there just in it for.....you know what? Nevermind.).
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Mayor Trolls Terrible Townsfolk
Bizarro Shelbyville, SC (BP)- After sparking massive public outrage for publishing plans to build a public skate park for $50,000, Mayor Angela Majors has decided to troll the hell out of her city's citizens by leaking fake expenditure reports to the local media constantly.
"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."
She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.
"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.
There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"
"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."
"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."
She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.
"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.
There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"
"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."
CSPAN Slims Down
Bizarro Post Political Media Bureau- As a measure to save money, CSPAN has reduced its call-in program to one phone line.
The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.
"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."
The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.
"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"
CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.
Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.
"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"
The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.
"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."
The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.
"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"
CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.
Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.
"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bizarro Bites: Shutdown Shenanigans
Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Self-Centered Centrists Soar in Polls
Bizarro Post Political Bureau- A study has revealed that 51% of Americans self-identify as "centrists", or people that claim not to have any political inclinations either way. In a subsequent study produced by The Bizarro Post, 98%* or that 51% are either self-important douches or irredeemably ignorant and gullible tools (*Margin of error +/-2).
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
Grassroots Grows Out of Control
Bizarro Post Political Activism Bureau- When Fred Harden, 46, sought to start a grassroots political organization, he thought it was going to be a simple, empowering affair.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."
Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.
"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."
What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.
"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."
Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.
"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.
Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.
"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."
The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.
"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."
The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.
"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.
"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Local Man Isn't Such a Badass After Fatal Shooting
Bizarro Tyler, TX (BP)- A local shit-talker is looking like a complete tool after getting his face blown off while confronting a visitor. Neighbors say that the cantankerous asshole will not be missed.
"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."
Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.
"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"
There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.
Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.
"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."
The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"
"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."
Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.
"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."
Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.
"Our children were afraid to go outside, and we were afraid to let them play and be children," said Francine Wilkes, who lives next door with her husband and two sons. "He made us feel like hostages in our own home."
Grant Faddy, 54, ruled his property with an iron fist. His lawn was festooned with hand-written signs with phrases like "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE DOUBLE-TAPPED" scrawled on them in jagged, child-like writing. Faddy was known to patrol his property, shooting mercilessly at anything that moved. Prior to his death, he killed three stray dogs, ten stray cats, two escaped pet dogs, and thirty buzzards that made came to dine on the carcasses. State law permits property owners to use deadly force on any unauthorized trespasser; including domestic animals.
"I'm a proud patriot, I'm a proud American!" shouted Faddy during a civil case involving the shooting of a bird dog that had wandered onto his property after leaving a nearby hunting camp. "You threaten my property, I'll exercise my rights as an American to employ my counter-terrorist tactical training with a prejudice!"
There is no record of Faddy receiving any training after dropping out of high school at 16 and becoming a strip club bouncer.
Using the handle PatriotGFadd, Faddy posted on countless websites about his distrust of the "Obama regime" and his violent fantasies torture fantasies in response to virtually every crime reported in Tyler. His delusional, self-important life came to a dramatic conclusion when he was visited by a pair of Amish teenagers looking for give him a bag full of freshly harvested potatoes from their father's field as a gesture of kindness.
"Francine called to me from the living room, saying that the Amish boys from down the road were riding up Faddy's drive," said Francine's husband Richard Wilkes. "I told her to call the police, and I grabbed my camera. Something big was about to happen."
The two lads approached the house to complete their goodwill gesture when Faddy appeared in a window, firing sporadically at the two while shouting "RAHOWA!"
"Thank God he was such a shitty shot," said Tyler police officer Lt. Conway Masterson. "And thank God that Amish kid wasn't."
Little did Faddy know, the eldest of the brothers had a lever-action rifle slung over his shoulder from varmint hunting earlier that day. The boy slung the weapon to his shoulder and fired a fatal shot directly through Faddy's face. After reviewing the neighbor's video and statements from witnesses, police have determined that charges will not be filed against the Amish boys. As for the Amish community, they have opted to forgive the man for endangering their children.
"It is God's will that we forgive trespasses, and so we do so gladly," said community elder Ezra Hess. "Besides, seeing that guy get his bitch face capped warms my soul."
Amen to that, Ezra. Amen to that.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bizarro Guests: Check THIS Privilege!
Bizarro Post Edgy Libertarian Bureau- What do you suggest I do about my privilege, you bottom-feeding degenerates?
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
I'm so sick of feeling persecuted every time someone brings up student loans,because I feel this obligation to lie about struggling to find a decent job or (UGGGHHHH) working for the government. The truth of the matter is, I'm a persecuted minority who is forced to hide his identity like Anne Frank had to hide her Jewyness from the National SOCIALIST Party. I know your pain, Anne! I would pray for you, but I'm an atheist and also you don't deserve free prayers that you didn't earn through hard work.
Like I said, I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being ashamed for being successful.
I am in graduate school and have no debts. Why? Because my Baby Boomber parents worked hard and made a ton of money. Genetically, that means I also worked hard and made that money. I mean, I didn't even want to take their charity. It was an insult to my masculinity, and even made me think about tight, sweaty manass more than usual. But I bit the bullet and took their money. God, the things I have to do just to get by.
I work hard! I work a part-time job, I babysit, and I go to school full-time. All that, and I can barely afford middle-shelf Vodka. I'm barely better than someone who drinks Burnett's! I apply to jobs every day, and look forward to my career at my father's company.
I want to stop lying about the suits I buy for my internship. I bet nobody even believes I actually inherited them from my cousin. I mean, seriously, my cousin has Armani customs that just so happen to fit me perfectly? Riiiggghttt. And I suppose Uncle Jimbob had these spotless diamond cuff-links just lying around! He didn't. Dad did. I want to be able to accept responsibility for this amazing wardrobe when I'm complimented on it. But as long as I pretend they aren't mine, I am deprived of this basic pleasure. I have the resources to have my hair professionally highlighted and my pubes shaved into dollar signs. That's all me! When am I going to get recognized for my achievements?
And then there's my address! I have to tell all the jealous scumbags that I earned a high-rise apartment by mowing my Dad's putting green all summer! I'm not racist either, but I see the thuggish gaze my doorman gives me whenever I get a package from J.Crew and De Beers. Should have gone to graduate school instead of relying on a handout of Obamaphones and chicken or whatever it is you buy with your ill-gotten welfare checks.
Stop making me feel like I've done something wrong! Stop making me feel like I don't deserve what I earned from my parents! I didn't ask to be born into this life of affluence, so what kind of asshole would look down on me for it?
I understand a lot of you are struggling out there, but that's why McDonald's has break rooms (they have those, right?). As for me, I'm not wasteful. I'm responsible and fortunate for the resources I have. I'll respect your...hahaha..."background" if you respect the authority over you that I have rightfully earned.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Bizarro Guests: Yoga-unna Wanna Bring a Towel!
Nina Kan is a lawyer, beautician, and yoga enthusiast. She joins us today to discuss a critical first-world problem.
Yoga Etiquette for Sweaty Men
Yoga teaches us to accept what we cannot change. Incidentally, so does Alcoholics Anonymous. However, like most spiritual beliefs, I am inclined to ignore them whenever they become inconvenient. I have been practicing hot yoga since 2008, which makes me something of an expert. But even after performing thousands of sun salutations, I still feel like concentrating my chi into an energy sword to dismember men who sweat excessively and wear revealing clothes to class.
My teachers emphasize over and over that I have to share energy with others in class. I draw the line at sweat. If yogis share studio space, every man present has a duty to prevent their strong, musky sweat from dripping down their taut calves right in front of me. Why can't I stare at your straining tendons without becoming a victim of your pheromone-rich excretions?
I'll have you know that I have taken many yoga classes in a number of different studios, and all of them have that certain sweaty, dripping man that I always end up next to for some reason. Typically, as the class gets hotter and more intimate his sweat will tap against the mat like steamy water from a flowing shower head. I, the distracted victim, am forced to watch in absolute horror as this primal display of power and dexterity plays out before me. Ever inconsiderate, he pays no mind to my probing eyes.
I, the victim, am shamed into silence by the rules of mutual respect that yogis adhere to. Suddenly, droplets of his far-flung sweat begin to appear near my own mat. Why should I be subjected to this acrid vector of disease? Why should I be forced to draw as close as I dare to the quivering pool on the floor, where I have no choice but to draw its essence deep into my violated nostrils?
How can anyone be so inconsiderate? I know that this is yoga, and I'm supposed to let go of worldly things as I practice, but what would he think if I were to coat him with bodily excretions, just as he does every time I place my hand into it and accidentally let it soak into my mat so that every time I press down on it the scent of sweaty jerks permeates through the air.
And don't get me started on those thin, overtaxed shorts!
How can male yogis even dream about attending class while wearing shorts that could practically be painted on? So many victims have been subjected to the horror of a tightly beshortted man in the downward dog. How can I even see this if I'm in the downward dog like I'm supposed to be? None of your damn business, yoga instructor! What do I pay you for? My righteous anger at the bulging, virile display that I've chosen to leer at in rage is how I choose to express my inner chi.
I'm sorry, I actually need to stop now to deal with some toxins and inner turmoil. But rest assured, I've been taking photos with my covert wristwatch cam, and I'm going to make a groundbreaking Tumblr any day now. Until then, I still need to do some final touch-ups to my...gallery.
Yoga Etiquette for Sweaty Men
Yoga teaches us to accept what we cannot change. Incidentally, so does Alcoholics Anonymous. However, like most spiritual beliefs, I am inclined to ignore them whenever they become inconvenient. I have been practicing hot yoga since 2008, which makes me something of an expert. But even after performing thousands of sun salutations, I still feel like concentrating my chi into an energy sword to dismember men who sweat excessively and wear revealing clothes to class.
My teachers emphasize over and over that I have to share energy with others in class. I draw the line at sweat. If yogis share studio space, every man present has a duty to prevent their strong, musky sweat from dripping down their taut calves right in front of me. Why can't I stare at your straining tendons without becoming a victim of your pheromone-rich excretions?
I'll have you know that I have taken many yoga classes in a number of different studios, and all of them have that certain sweaty, dripping man that I always end up next to for some reason. Typically, as the class gets hotter and more intimate his sweat will tap against the mat like steamy water from a flowing shower head. I, the distracted victim, am forced to watch in absolute horror as this primal display of power and dexterity plays out before me. Ever inconsiderate, he pays no mind to my probing eyes.
I, the victim, am shamed into silence by the rules of mutual respect that yogis adhere to. Suddenly, droplets of his far-flung sweat begin to appear near my own mat. Why should I be subjected to this acrid vector of disease? Why should I be forced to draw as close as I dare to the quivering pool on the floor, where I have no choice but to draw its essence deep into my violated nostrils?
How can anyone be so inconsiderate? I know that this is yoga, and I'm supposed to let go of worldly things as I practice, but what would he think if I were to coat him with bodily excretions, just as he does every time I place my hand into it and accidentally let it soak into my mat so that every time I press down on it the scent of sweaty jerks permeates through the air.
And don't get me started on those thin, overtaxed shorts!
How can male yogis even dream about attending class while wearing shorts that could practically be painted on? So many victims have been subjected to the horror of a tightly beshortted man in the downward dog. How can I even see this if I'm in the downward dog like I'm supposed to be? None of your damn business, yoga instructor! What do I pay you for? My righteous anger at the bulging, virile display that I've chosen to leer at in rage is how I choose to express my inner chi.
I'm sorry, I actually need to stop now to deal with some toxins and inner turmoil. But rest assured, I've been taking photos with my covert wristwatch cam, and I'm going to make a groundbreaking Tumblr any day now. Until then, I still need to do some final touch-ups to my...gallery.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
How to Talk About Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation: A Guide
Bizarro Post Family Bureau- With the revelation that Ariel Castro died with a noose on his neck and a dong in his hand, families are left to wonder how to discuss this peculiar topic in a way that is both sensitive to young psyches, but honest enough to satisfy curiosity. Address your audience in a calm, measured tone and always speak with confidence, even as you imagine the obese Castro swinging from his prison window with various bodily fluids pooled beneath him due to postmortem muscle relaxation.
"Kids, first of all you have to know that mommy/daddy/new mommy/new daddy/misc.legal guardian love you very much/enjoy your company/tolerate you every other weekend. At school, you might hear your friends talking about Ariel Castro, and how he died while pleasuring himself and asphyxiating. This is called auto-erotic asphyxiation. It's the same thing that killed the guy from Kill Bill, and the INXS vocalist. You see, when a man feels that he has experienced the full spectrum of the human experience and can't stand the idea that they will never climb higher, they visit a website where they hear about the benefits of asphyxiation. And sometimes, just like daddy/my life partner Pedro, they fall asleep afterwards and forget to not strangle themselves to death.
It would be ideal if you would abstain from auto-erotic asphyxiation until you've reached the age where you've seen all there is to see and just don't give a shit anymore. Many people choose to do this anyway. Perhaps even someone you know. If that person happens to be you, all I ask is that you practice safe asphyxiation. Never tether yourself to an object that can hold your weight in the even that you pass out. Devise a quick-release mechanism if things get out of hand (no pun intended, dear). And consider using the buddy system for added safety. There are plenty of nice people on Craigslist who would be happy to help!
If you have any questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me/your social worker/the homeless man with psychic powers that sees your true potential when nobody else does."
"Kids, first of all you have to know that mommy/daddy/new mommy/new daddy/misc.legal guardian love you very much/enjoy your company/tolerate you every other weekend. At school, you might hear your friends talking about Ariel Castro, and how he died while pleasuring himself and asphyxiating. This is called auto-erotic asphyxiation. It's the same thing that killed the guy from Kill Bill, and the INXS vocalist. You see, when a man feels that he has experienced the full spectrum of the human experience and can't stand the idea that they will never climb higher, they visit a website where they hear about the benefits of asphyxiation. And sometimes, just like daddy/my life partner Pedro, they fall asleep afterwards and forget to not strangle themselves to death.
It would be ideal if you would abstain from auto-erotic asphyxiation until you've reached the age where you've seen all there is to see and just don't give a shit anymore. Many people choose to do this anyway. Perhaps even someone you know. If that person happens to be you, all I ask is that you practice safe asphyxiation. Never tether yourself to an object that can hold your weight in the even that you pass out. Devise a quick-release mechanism if things get out of hand (no pun intended, dear). And consider using the buddy system for added safety. There are plenty of nice people on Craigslist who would be happy to help!
If you have any questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me/your social worker/the homeless man with psychic powers that sees your true potential when nobody else does."
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Terrible Trollsters for Prodding Pollsters
Bizarro Statistics Bureau (BP)- With 5% of Americans saying they favor Congress, a subsequent poll has revealed that 5% of Americans have a visceral hatred of pollsters and intentionally skew their results out of spite.
"The guys from 'Family Feud' have specific instructions to never speak to me after what I did to episode 5, season 21," chuckled Ed Hughly. "I answered every question with 'Deze nuts', and they actually used it! I don't know why their producers got so mad. Steve Harvey liked it."
There are thousands of Americans just like Ed, who can't resist the opportunity to destroy the credibility of every statistician and pollster that crosses their path. No answer is too irrelevant, no margin of error can completely mitigate their destruction.
Who will you vote for in the general presidential election?
Kim Kardashian's Taint.
What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Water Flavored.
What television channel did you watch during primetime last night?
Spike TV
All answers that intentionally fly in the face of reasons, just for the sake of it.We would have put a poll up asking for your take on this behavior, but we don't trust any of you assholes.
"The guys from 'Family Feud' have specific instructions to never speak to me after what I did to episode 5, season 21," chuckled Ed Hughly. "I answered every question with 'Deze nuts', and they actually used it! I don't know why their producers got so mad. Steve Harvey liked it."
There are thousands of Americans just like Ed, who can't resist the opportunity to destroy the credibility of every statistician and pollster that crosses their path. No answer is too irrelevant, no margin of error can completely mitigate their destruction.
Who will you vote for in the general presidential election?
Kim Kardashian's Taint.
What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Water Flavored.
What television channel did you watch during primetime last night?
Spike TV
All answers that intentionally fly in the face of reasons, just for the sake of it.We would have put a poll up asking for your take on this behavior, but we don't trust any of you assholes.
Editorial: Inquiring Globe Chief Names His Beef
Chris Powers is the Editor in Chief of The Inquiring Globe, the sole surviving newspaper in the town of Centralia, Pennsylvania.
Journalism is all a'bonered over Jeff Bezos acquiring The Washington Post, insisting that his genius and innovative spirit will keep the long-running publication alive through this grim era. I am now coughing while muttering "bullshit."
Amazon might be an unstoppable titan of internet commerce, true. But its entire model of success is dependent on tax evasion, and not the cool kind with the Cayman Islands and hedge funds. With the efforts of my friends in the lobbying business, enough palms will be greased that Bezos no longer gets to ride the gravy train without paying for his ticket. Then his digital news revolution will fail, just like the rest. The truth is, the internet isn't killing print media, and it isn't nearly as powerful as many would have you believe. I assert that there is another party at fault for our noble institution's decline.
It's you, dear reader.
You insist that news isn't worth anything unless you can switch to quasi-legal Brazilian pornography whenever you get bored halfway through an article. Nothing is worth knowing unless it can be condensed into a lolcatz image. Reddit claims to be the front page of the internet, but it has sadly become the first and last page of an entire new generation of pony-cartoon-watching manchildren. A generation whose outage at political corruption and violent crime is tempered by unlimited access to disturbing Japanese fetish comics.
And you assholes that raised this "millennial" generation aren't blameless either. You've chosen to raise your stunted children in single-parent households because of made-up boogeymen like domestic violence and spousal mortality. You've chosen to have children you couldn't afford. You've chosen to wait until you're in your late 30's to replenish our nation's population because you "couldn't afford" to have a child earlier, so you're putting the fetus at an increased risk for autism and other disorders (how irresponsible can you get!?).
Am I the only one noticing that people are getting dumber? I see all these reality shows, and I read all these positive reviews of movies I don't like, and it seems abundantly clear that I am an oasis of knowledge in a desert of fools. Why aren't you idiots voting, by the way? 65% of you aren't voting in state elections! Get off your asses, you simpletons, and choose our elected officials as a citizen should!
Enlightened society is crumbling. Civic engagement is receding with the release of another vapid pop song every other day.
You sons of bitches who "work too much" to join your local Rotary Club or Freemasons chapters are scum, and don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You welfare queen whores who decide to reject the firm leadership of a male head of household don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You illiterate morons who never learned to read because of terrible public education systems or Down's Syndrome can burn in Hell, because you don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You probably couldn't even afford a subscription for my love letter to old-school journalism, you desperately poor fucks.
You don't want to buy my paper? Fuck you. You don't deserve my paper. Nobody deserves this sexy, savvy editor's masterwork. Enjoy your Soduku and Yoga and Twerking. I'll just be here in my ivory tower like the golden god of journalism that I am. Feel free to join me if you ever learn to wipe your own ass without a Wikihow article.
Journalism is all a'bonered over Jeff Bezos acquiring The Washington Post, insisting that his genius and innovative spirit will keep the long-running publication alive through this grim era. I am now coughing while muttering "bullshit."
Amazon might be an unstoppable titan of internet commerce, true. But its entire model of success is dependent on tax evasion, and not the cool kind with the Cayman Islands and hedge funds. With the efforts of my friends in the lobbying business, enough palms will be greased that Bezos no longer gets to ride the gravy train without paying for his ticket. Then his digital news revolution will fail, just like the rest. The truth is, the internet isn't killing print media, and it isn't nearly as powerful as many would have you believe. I assert that there is another party at fault for our noble institution's decline.
It's you, dear reader.
You insist that news isn't worth anything unless you can switch to quasi-legal Brazilian pornography whenever you get bored halfway through an article. Nothing is worth knowing unless it can be condensed into a lolcatz image. Reddit claims to be the front page of the internet, but it has sadly become the first and last page of an entire new generation of pony-cartoon-watching manchildren. A generation whose outage at political corruption and violent crime is tempered by unlimited access to disturbing Japanese fetish comics.
And you assholes that raised this "millennial" generation aren't blameless either. You've chosen to raise your stunted children in single-parent households because of made-up boogeymen like domestic violence and spousal mortality. You've chosen to have children you couldn't afford. You've chosen to wait until you're in your late 30's to replenish our nation's population because you "couldn't afford" to have a child earlier, so you're putting the fetus at an increased risk for autism and other disorders (how irresponsible can you get!?).
Am I the only one noticing that people are getting dumber? I see all these reality shows, and I read all these positive reviews of movies I don't like, and it seems abundantly clear that I am an oasis of knowledge in a desert of fools. Why aren't you idiots voting, by the way? 65% of you aren't voting in state elections! Get off your asses, you simpletons, and choose our elected officials as a citizen should!
Enlightened society is crumbling. Civic engagement is receding with the release of another vapid pop song every other day.
You sons of bitches who "work too much" to join your local Rotary Club or Freemasons chapters are scum, and don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You welfare queen whores who decide to reject the firm leadership of a male head of household don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You illiterate morons who never learned to read because of terrible public education systems or Down's Syndrome can burn in Hell, because you don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You probably couldn't even afford a subscription for my love letter to old-school journalism, you desperately poor fucks.
You don't want to buy my paper? Fuck you. You don't deserve my paper. Nobody deserves this sexy, savvy editor's masterwork. Enjoy your Soduku and Yoga and Twerking. I'll just be here in my ivory tower like the golden god of journalism that I am. Feel free to join me if you ever learn to wipe your own ass without a Wikihow article.
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