Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.
Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.
"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.
Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."
Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.
On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.
Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Monday, November 11, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Mickey D's Benevolence Backfires.
Bizarro Post Fast Food Bureau- As the economy crumbled, the fast food giant McDonald's was faced with a dire situation. How could they continue to pay their employees poverty-level wages without them coming to work looking like concentration camp refugees?
"We had a lot of very disloyal McDonald's Friends coming to work with distended stomachs and skeletal faces," said McDonald's pitchman Ronald T. McDonald. "Those sons of WHORES were having their little FAG children and giving them what food they could, with no consideration of my FUCKING corporate GODDAMN image! Whoo! Sorry, kiddos! Old Ronald is only a clown, and we Clownish folk got a lot of evil inside of us that festers like maggots in a putrid wound!"
After months of research, McDonald's rolled out a solution that seemed obvious to many. McDonald's makes cheap quasi-food, McDonald's needs to fatten up their cheap labor, therefore McDonald's can offer free food as a benefit to their employees with negligible impact on their bottom line or CEO bonuses.
Little did they know, the prize inside of these Happy Meals was Pandora's Box; primed for opening.
The free food policy began in 2009. But now, the consequences are abundantly clear. Thousands of employees suffer from failure in various organs. Nearly all of them are morbidly obese and diabetic, or pre-diabetic. Performing an study on employee mortality became a subject of intense interest in the scientific community, and the results are unsurprising, sadly.
"I can tell you right now that this lifestyle McDonald's is promoting is not sustainable, at least not for their company. If mortality rates remain at 32 for males and 35 for females, they'll be critically understaffed within the decade," said Applied Health Research researcher Dr. Johan Casper.
Neo-liberal economists are not buying this projection, insisting that there will always be enough fodder for the McDonald's meat grinder. With globalization reducing wages and opportunities in nearly every sector of the American economy, they may just be right.
"I don't see why I'm supposed to have sympathy for these...people," said noted lower-middle-class asshole Francis Farley. "It's easy to go back to school and learn an actual trade. There's no reason why these people should be paid more for unskilled labor, even if they've been a model employee for over a decade!"
As of this writing, Farley has been laid off from his management position at an automotive part company, missed several of his mortgage payments, and is now homeless. Rumor has it that Farley has a large number of gold coins hidden in his chest cavity, if any industrious hobos out there have a shiv or two lying around. Just saying.
"We had a lot of very disloyal McDonald's Friends coming to work with distended stomachs and skeletal faces," said McDonald's pitchman Ronald T. McDonald. "Those sons of WHORES were having their little FAG children and giving them what food they could, with no consideration of my FUCKING corporate GODDAMN image! Whoo! Sorry, kiddos! Old Ronald is only a clown, and we Clownish folk got a lot of evil inside of us that festers like maggots in a putrid wound!"
After months of research, McDonald's rolled out a solution that seemed obvious to many. McDonald's makes cheap quasi-food, McDonald's needs to fatten up their cheap labor, therefore McDonald's can offer free food as a benefit to their employees with negligible impact on their bottom line or CEO bonuses.
Little did they know, the prize inside of these Happy Meals was Pandora's Box; primed for opening.
The free food policy began in 2009. But now, the consequences are abundantly clear. Thousands of employees suffer from failure in various organs. Nearly all of them are morbidly obese and diabetic, or pre-diabetic. Performing an study on employee mortality became a subject of intense interest in the scientific community, and the results are unsurprising, sadly.
"I can tell you right now that this lifestyle McDonald's is promoting is not sustainable, at least not for their company. If mortality rates remain at 32 for males and 35 for females, they'll be critically understaffed within the decade," said Applied Health Research researcher Dr. Johan Casper.
Neo-liberal economists are not buying this projection, insisting that there will always be enough fodder for the McDonald's meat grinder. With globalization reducing wages and opportunities in nearly every sector of the American economy, they may just be right.
"I don't see why I'm supposed to have sympathy for these...people," said noted lower-middle-class asshole Francis Farley. "It's easy to go back to school and learn an actual trade. There's no reason why these people should be paid more for unskilled labor, even if they've been a model employee for over a decade!"
As of this writing, Farley has been laid off from his management position at an automotive part company, missed several of his mortgage payments, and is now homeless. Rumor has it that Farley has a large number of gold coins hidden in his chest cavity, if any industrious hobos out there have a shiv or two lying around. Just saying.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Excess Hollywood: Ugh, Pregnant Celebrities! Am I Right?
Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau- After the recent birth of a female celebrity's son, the Bizarro Post Celebrity Bureau is keeping an eye on her to make sure her disgusting lard-ass loses weight.
"Hey fatass, you're supposed to eat the afterbirth, not the whole baby!" a Bizarro Post reporter shouted as the celebrity left the hospital with her newborn cradled in her arms.
"You're disgusting!" the celebrity's manager shouted.
"You think I'm disgusting, wait until you see the cellulite on those thighs when bikini season comes around! Lose weight, tubby!"
The Bizarro Post will not rest until we see that this landwhale freak loses the weight her body needed to sustain a successful pregnancy. Your grace period is running awfully low, babe. Unless you want to get roasted on TMZ, I suggest you eat a fucking salad or two. And the baby? "Baby fat" my ass! Get the little butterball into Pilates or get off of my TV!
"Hey fatass, you're supposed to eat the afterbirth, not the whole baby!" a Bizarro Post reporter shouted as the celebrity left the hospital with her newborn cradled in her arms.
"You're disgusting!" the celebrity's manager shouted.
"You think I'm disgusting, wait until you see the cellulite on those thighs when bikini season comes around! Lose weight, tubby!"
The Bizarro Post will not rest until we see that this landwhale freak loses the weight her body needed to sustain a successful pregnancy. Your grace period is running awfully low, babe. Unless you want to get roasted on TMZ, I suggest you eat a fucking salad or two. And the baby? "Baby fat" my ass! Get the little butterball into Pilates or get off of my TV!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Battling the Bond: A Survivor's Story
Bizarro Post Mental Health Bureau- There's a hidden disease in America, a festering plague that knows no cultural or social boundaries. Few can believe that it is true and nobody is trying to stop it. Now the truth is coming to light in this Bizarro Post exclusive, where we have found a brave individual wanting to speak out about their addiction to Gold Bond medicated powder.
"It started legitimately. I was working outside on my driveway, and between the sweating and constant movement I developed chafing," said Dennis Reid, 34, an accountant from Huntsville, Alabama.
When used properly, Gold Bond is legendary for its ability to soothe the savaged loins. But when some people first feel the soothing arctic blast washing over their no-no places, once just isn't enough.
"At first I tried to find legitimate reasons to use it. I'd wear woolen long-johns to mow the lawn in the middle of summer. I cut up a pair of my jeans, took a square of denim, and rubbed the hell out of my upper thighs for hours," Reid admitted. "My friends thought I was jogging to loose weight. What they didn't know is that I had lined my boxers with sandpaper."
Once his skin was shredded and seeping, Reid could be found lying on the cool tiles of his bathroom floor, tripping on a massive hit of "Goldy-B" for hours at a time. Visitors would sometimes ask about the strange dust covering nearly every surface in the bathroom.
"I told them I had a cocaine addiction," Reid recounted. "The truth was just too terrible."
It wasn't long before the pretenses were dropped. When Dennis Reid woke up in the morning, he dusted up. When he felt a twinge of doubt or self-loathing, he powdered his donuts. Before he went to sleep at night, he frosted his mini-wheats. It all came to a head when Reid's then-girlfriend Jeanette found him lounging in a plastic child's pool full of Gold Bond. Word spread to his friends, who sprung into action with an intervention.
"I never would have guessed that the Den-man was into Bond-age," said long-time friend Hal Kasmire. "As soon as I found out, I knew I had to get involved. Whip him back into shape, you know?"
"At first I denied everything," said Reid, when asked about the intervention. "Then I just broke down. All the lies and shame crashed in on me."
"He throws himself at me," Kasmire said. "And he's just saying 'I'm dusting right now, man! I'm riding the Polar Express as we speak! I need a hug, bro!' So I gave him one. It felt so right, and I think he felt it too."
Three months of withdrawal made Reid's life into a nightmare. Jeanette left him immediately after the pool incident, and as much as Hal Kasmire wanted to be there for his best friend, work and family demanded his attention as well. And then came the symptoms of a body craving stimulation that only Satan's Sand could provide.
"I felt so swampy. I wasn't so fresh....down there," Reid recalled. But I powdere...powered through. Every time I thought about quitting, I thought about Jeanette. If I could just beat this, she would take me back."
She didn't, but that's beside the point. One morning just like any other, a man named Dennis Reid woke up to find that his junk wasn't cradled in the hands of angels, and that was just okay. The addiction had lost. Dennis had won.
"It's been a year since I kicked Gold Bond," said Reid, grimacing while working in his yard. "I'm doing a lot better, you know? My withdrawal alienated my friends, and my addiction cost me the love of my life. Even Hal doesn't return my texts much anymore. I spend most of my time on futile attempts to be content with my lot in life, and my thighs are just on fire right now. But at least I'm not addicted to something. That's....a plus, I guess. Big victory. I'm a...champion."
That you are, Dennis. That you are.
"It started legitimately. I was working outside on my driveway, and between the sweating and constant movement I developed chafing," said Dennis Reid, 34, an accountant from Huntsville, Alabama.
When used properly, Gold Bond is legendary for its ability to soothe the savaged loins. But when some people first feel the soothing arctic blast washing over their no-no places, once just isn't enough.
"At first I tried to find legitimate reasons to use it. I'd wear woolen long-johns to mow the lawn in the middle of summer. I cut up a pair of my jeans, took a square of denim, and rubbed the hell out of my upper thighs for hours," Reid admitted. "My friends thought I was jogging to loose weight. What they didn't know is that I had lined my boxers with sandpaper."
Once his skin was shredded and seeping, Reid could be found lying on the cool tiles of his bathroom floor, tripping on a massive hit of "Goldy-B" for hours at a time. Visitors would sometimes ask about the strange dust covering nearly every surface in the bathroom.
"I told them I had a cocaine addiction," Reid recounted. "The truth was just too terrible."
It wasn't long before the pretenses were dropped. When Dennis Reid woke up in the morning, he dusted up. When he felt a twinge of doubt or self-loathing, he powdered his donuts. Before he went to sleep at night, he frosted his mini-wheats. It all came to a head when Reid's then-girlfriend Jeanette found him lounging in a plastic child's pool full of Gold Bond. Word spread to his friends, who sprung into action with an intervention.
"I never would have guessed that the Den-man was into Bond-age," said long-time friend Hal Kasmire. "As soon as I found out, I knew I had to get involved. Whip him back into shape, you know?"
"At first I denied everything," said Reid, when asked about the intervention. "Then I just broke down. All the lies and shame crashed in on me."
"He throws himself at me," Kasmire said. "And he's just saying 'I'm dusting right now, man! I'm riding the Polar Express as we speak! I need a hug, bro!' So I gave him one. It felt so right, and I think he felt it too."
Three months of withdrawal made Reid's life into a nightmare. Jeanette left him immediately after the pool incident, and as much as Hal Kasmire wanted to be there for his best friend, work and family demanded his attention as well. And then came the symptoms of a body craving stimulation that only Satan's Sand could provide.
"I felt so swampy. I wasn't so fresh....down there," Reid recalled. But I powdere...powered through. Every time I thought about quitting, I thought about Jeanette. If I could just beat this, she would take me back."
She didn't, but that's beside the point. One morning just like any other, a man named Dennis Reid woke up to find that his junk wasn't cradled in the hands of angels, and that was just okay. The addiction had lost. Dennis had won.
"It's been a year since I kicked Gold Bond," said Reid, grimacing while working in his yard. "I'm doing a lot better, you know? My withdrawal alienated my friends, and my addiction cost me the love of my life. Even Hal doesn't return my texts much anymore. I spend most of my time on futile attempts to be content with my lot in life, and my thighs are just on fire right now. But at least I'm not addicted to something. That's....a plus, I guess. Big victory. I'm a...champion."
That you are, Dennis. That you are.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Bizarro Brains: Equestrian Obsession
Bizarro Post Mental Health Bureau- Today on the Internet, a grown man typed dozens of paragraphs defending adult viewers of the children's cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
On the AV Club review of a recent movie adaptation of the show, user "Noelle" breathlessly defended his unreasonable feelings towards a cartoon intended for the Female 5-10 demographic. When someone rightfully pointed out that being a fan of the program as an adult male strongly suggested the presence of an untreated mental illness, Noelle never failed to arrive and pontificate. Our resident psychological pathologist, Dr. Fredrick Lloyd, weighs in on this fascinating specimen.
Noelle: And most American males wants to fuck equally fictional, arguably non-human, possibly factory-farmed Maxim models. Hey. At least pony fetishists care about the characters they're fantasizing about.
Dr, Lloyd: What we have here is a classic example of false equivocation, used to rationalize a belief that the individual knows to be irrational. At the same time, Noelle seeks to portray attraction to touched-up magazine models as abnormal because they artificially accentuate desirable physical traits. An ethical argument could certainly be made against this practice, but reactions to an attractive person in an ad are in no way equivalent to attraction to a children's cartoon character.
Also troubling is the notion that fictional cartoon horses are a surrogate for positive human interaction. The implications for this person's health are not good.
Noelle: You brought sex into it, not me -- inserting the "creepily" was so cleverly strawmannish of you! -- and I assure you, sir, my knickers are perfectly orthogonal. You're the one who complained about somebody else's tastes in media--you even brought in an inflammatory non-sequitur to do it. I believe that meets the diagnostic standard for Knicker Torsion Syndrome, my friend!
Dr. Lloyd: Here the subject attempts to establish dominance in the conversation by using stilted language. Noelle may very well know what all of these words mean without consulting a thesaurus, but this deliberate attempt to prove his intelligence suggests that he is aware people do not use these words in casual conversation.
He also makes a reference to the "strawman" logical fallacy. This is ironic, since he is attempting to establish himself as an authority by using large words. Argument by authority is another common logical fallacy.
Noelle: Just spend a few minutes looking at the interplay between Lauren Faust and the MLP fandom on Twitter -- the creators of the show, like most animators these days, are quite aware they have a crossover adult/child fandom and explicitly write the show to appeal to both.
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle deliberately confuses marketing strategy with the original intent of the show, which was to draw the attention of children. Consider Sharknado. Originally, it was supposed to be a legitimate horror movie; albeit a low budget one. After it became famous for its outrageous premise, the marketing strategy was retooled to target fans of goofy horror movie violence. And it wasn't because SyFy suddenly fell head-over-heels for hipsters. It was because they saw an opportunity to take a product that began with relatively low earning potential and turn it into a golden goose.
Noelle: Oh, god, unicorns at 22!? Doesn't she know she should already be out drinking herself to oblivion, watching Desperate Housewives, and getting into loveless sexual relationships at that age?! It sounds like she doesn't even understand what maturity really means: status-based, age-appropriate expressions of consumerism. *grin*
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle attempts to endear himself to the social community that has begun to grow weary of his constant defense of his man-child lifestyle. On top of that, he sneers at activities that neurotypical individuals often experience in their early 20's. His bitterness at having been denied the same opportunities has been converted into pride over being "different" and going against the grain. While being unique can easily be a positive quality, Noell's personality traits will likely lead to isolation and the continued decay of his emotional well-being.
Immediately after the above message, someone replied calling Noelle "crazy" for his unhinged defense of My Little Pony. Noelle responds with no less than three paragraphs.
Noelle: I figure if you were really that much less crazy than I am, you wouldn't be here giving people crap about Being Wrong On The Internet... or worse, Liking Ponies On The Internet. (shudder) I figure all the hypothetical sane people are out there at... I dunno, Mostly Mozart concerts or finance seminars or whatever it is these very serious adult people do with their time. It has nothing to do with me or, clearly, with you!
Sorry, but I've never really met an Internet troll who, upon closer examination of how they live their lives, made me feel really bad about myself. Ever. They don't exactly tend to be suave international playboys, themselves. And FWIW... your comment history seems to consist entirely of snarky one-liners and references to beer. If you're making a major contribution to society, it sure ain't on the AVClub. Have a nice day and thank you for playing. I think you and I can agree on one thing: we live in a really fucked-up society. We just differ on which one of us is the problem. ^__^
Incidentally, if at any point any of you want to stop dicking around and actually have a mature conversation about the moral taboos around adults watching "girly" cartoons, I'm still game. It's what I came here for, not to wade through pages of 4chan-quality hindbrain snark, watching arrested 13-year-olds make fun of what they think are arrested 5-year-olds. I think it's hilarious that you're clearly not interested in any such thing as a mature discussion, but I'm supposed to be the crazy, juvenile one here. You're so damn cute!
Dr. Lloyd: Feigning disinterest in arguments is the last refuge of a man who has completely failed to defend his position. In this case, it may never have been defensible at all. Noelle also directly contradicts himself by replying to a single sentence insulting him with a three-part rebuttal.
Noelle also accidentally reveals a number of important clues that we can use to understand his perspective of the world and society. All of this discussion took place on Labor Day, yet it appears as though Noelle has no idea what it is normal human adults do with their day off. He suggests that in order to be an adult he would have to listen to classical music, or attend personal finance classes. User D_Boons_Ghost says that he actually plans to attend a barbecue with friends. This apparently mystifies Noelle, as he moves on to another thread.
Once again, Noelle dismisses the notion that this conversation is making him angry and proceeds to contradict himself by going through his adversary's entire post history looking for leverage. Unfortunately, all he can find are one-liners and talking about beer, which is entirely normal for the AV Club. Something is motivating this man to waste his time, and I doubt that it's happiness. Noelle, knowing in some distant, subconscious way that he looks like a fool, endears himself to D_Boons_Ghost by pointing out an (assumed) point of agreement. His suggestion that liking or not liking a children's cartoon is the basis of all societal ills demonstrates distorted reasoning and a dependence on persecution as a substitute for being an interesting person.
My conclusion is that Noelle is an incubator for a seething resentment for all neurotypical individuals, and should not be permitted to own a firearm under any circumstances.
On the AV Club review of a recent movie adaptation of the show, user "Noelle" breathlessly defended his unreasonable feelings towards a cartoon intended for the Female 5-10 demographic. When someone rightfully pointed out that being a fan of the program as an adult male strongly suggested the presence of an untreated mental illness, Noelle never failed to arrive and pontificate. Our resident psychological pathologist, Dr. Fredrick Lloyd, weighs in on this fascinating specimen.
Noelle: And most American males wants to fuck equally fictional, arguably non-human, possibly factory-farmed Maxim models. Hey. At least pony fetishists care about the characters they're fantasizing about.
Dr, Lloyd: What we have here is a classic example of false equivocation, used to rationalize a belief that the individual knows to be irrational. At the same time, Noelle seeks to portray attraction to touched-up magazine models as abnormal because they artificially accentuate desirable physical traits. An ethical argument could certainly be made against this practice, but reactions to an attractive person in an ad are in no way equivalent to attraction to a children's cartoon character.
Also troubling is the notion that fictional cartoon horses are a surrogate for positive human interaction. The implications for this person's health are not good.
Noelle: You brought sex into it, not me -- inserting the "creepily" was so cleverly strawmannish of you! -- and I assure you, sir, my knickers are perfectly orthogonal. You're the one who complained about somebody else's tastes in media--you even brought in an inflammatory non-sequitur to do it. I believe that meets the diagnostic standard for Knicker Torsion Syndrome, my friend!
Dr. Lloyd: Here the subject attempts to establish dominance in the conversation by using stilted language. Noelle may very well know what all of these words mean without consulting a thesaurus, but this deliberate attempt to prove his intelligence suggests that he is aware people do not use these words in casual conversation.
He also makes a reference to the "strawman" logical fallacy. This is ironic, since he is attempting to establish himself as an authority by using large words. Argument by authority is another common logical fallacy.
Noelle: Just spend a few minutes looking at the interplay between Lauren Faust and the MLP fandom on Twitter -- the creators of the show, like most animators these days, are quite aware they have a crossover adult/child fandom and explicitly write the show to appeal to both.
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle deliberately confuses marketing strategy with the original intent of the show, which was to draw the attention of children. Consider Sharknado. Originally, it was supposed to be a legitimate horror movie; albeit a low budget one. After it became famous for its outrageous premise, the marketing strategy was retooled to target fans of goofy horror movie violence. And it wasn't because SyFy suddenly fell head-over-heels for hipsters. It was because they saw an opportunity to take a product that began with relatively low earning potential and turn it into a golden goose.
Noelle: Oh, god, unicorns at 22!? Doesn't she know she should already be out drinking herself to oblivion, watching Desperate Housewives, and getting into loveless sexual relationships at that age?! It sounds like she doesn't even understand what maturity really means: status-based, age-appropriate expressions of consumerism. *grin*
Dr. Lloyd: Noelle attempts to endear himself to the social community that has begun to grow weary of his constant defense of his man-child lifestyle. On top of that, he sneers at activities that neurotypical individuals often experience in their early 20's. His bitterness at having been denied the same opportunities has been converted into pride over being "different" and going against the grain. While being unique can easily be a positive quality, Noell's personality traits will likely lead to isolation and the continued decay of his emotional well-being.
Immediately after the above message, someone replied calling Noelle "crazy" for his unhinged defense of My Little Pony. Noelle responds with no less than three paragraphs.
Noelle: I figure if you were really that much less crazy than I am, you wouldn't be here giving people crap about Being Wrong On The Internet... or worse, Liking Ponies On The Internet. (shudder) I figure all the hypothetical sane people are out there at... I dunno, Mostly Mozart concerts or finance seminars or whatever it is these very serious adult people do with their time. It has nothing to do with me or, clearly, with you!
Sorry, but I've never really met an Internet troll who, upon closer examination of how they live their lives, made me feel really bad about myself. Ever. They don't exactly tend to be suave international playboys, themselves. And FWIW... your comment history seems to consist entirely of snarky one-liners and references to beer. If you're making a major contribution to society, it sure ain't on the AVClub. Have a nice day and thank you for playing. I think you and I can agree on one thing: we live in a really fucked-up society. We just differ on which one of us is the problem. ^__^
Incidentally, if at any point any of you want to stop dicking around and actually have a mature conversation about the moral taboos around adults watching "girly" cartoons, I'm still game. It's what I came here for, not to wade through pages of 4chan-quality hindbrain snark, watching arrested 13-year-olds make fun of what they think are arrested 5-year-olds. I think it's hilarious that you're clearly not interested in any such thing as a mature discussion, but I'm supposed to be the crazy, juvenile one here. You're so damn cute!
Dr. Lloyd: Feigning disinterest in arguments is the last refuge of a man who has completely failed to defend his position. In this case, it may never have been defensible at all. Noelle also directly contradicts himself by replying to a single sentence insulting him with a three-part rebuttal.
Noelle also accidentally reveals a number of important clues that we can use to understand his perspective of the world and society. All of this discussion took place on Labor Day, yet it appears as though Noelle has no idea what it is normal human adults do with their day off. He suggests that in order to be an adult he would have to listen to classical music, or attend personal finance classes. User D_Boons_Ghost says that he actually plans to attend a barbecue with friends. This apparently mystifies Noelle, as he moves on to another thread.
Once again, Noelle dismisses the notion that this conversation is making him angry and proceeds to contradict himself by going through his adversary's entire post history looking for leverage. Unfortunately, all he can find are one-liners and talking about beer, which is entirely normal for the AV Club. Something is motivating this man to waste his time, and I doubt that it's happiness. Noelle, knowing in some distant, subconscious way that he looks like a fool, endears himself to D_Boons_Ghost by pointing out an (assumed) point of agreement. His suggestion that liking or not liking a children's cartoon is the basis of all societal ills demonstrates distorted reasoning and a dependence on persecution as a substitute for being an interesting person.
My conclusion is that Noelle is an incubator for a seething resentment for all neurotypical individuals, and should not be permitted to own a firearm under any circumstances.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Cat Lady Cynicism Severely Underdeveloped
Bizarro Tallahassee, FL (BP)- Animal control officers expressed relief today as an animal hoarder totally believed that they were going to find "good homes" for her 120 cats.
"You don't get into the business unless you love animals, so it's painful to separate any number of animals from their owners," said Animal Control officer Brandon Cronin. "But it definitely helps ease the pain when they're gullible enough to believe the demand for malnourished, surly cats is through the roof."
Teams of hoarding specialists donned protective gear and entered the residence of Samantha Willard, 58, following complaints about aggressive cats attacking children and digging through trash for food. The interior of Willard's home contained hazardous levels of ammonia, two inches of fecal matter in every room, and what appears to be the mummified body of a vagrant hidden beneath a pile of Cat Fancy magazines and QVC shipping boxes.
Each cat was tested for various diseases that are known to spread in a hoarding scenario. Positive readings for fecal bloodworms were obtained for forty animals, Fifty felines tested positive for toxicstrepaplasmosis, a disease so deadly that it is known to kill its host, resurrect it, and kill it again.
"Some of them even tested positive for AIDS. Like, not even feline AIDS. I don't even know how that happened," said veterinary technician Dr. Andy Ross.
Willard was reported to be "hysterical" as her many pets were removed one by one from her house, insisting that she needed the presence of well over 100 cats for reasons she couldn't understand (her parents didn't love her, she is socially isolated, has terrible self-esteem, and needs the approval of living things that are smart enough to feel affection but too dumb to challenge her to take control of her life. Fucking-DUH.).
However, after some time to consider the incredible burden of her lifestyle, Willard gradually became more receptive to the idea of releasing her cats into the custody of animal control.
"That's when I pulled the trigger on 'the finisher'. It's always risky, because if they know you're lying your credibility is damaged big-time." explained officer Cronin.
"The finisher" is asserting that the seized animals will be nursed back to health and adopted out to good homes. If it works, the hoarder doesn't have to consider the ramifications of their irresponsible actions and will be more likely to cooperate. Fortunately, Samantha Willard was one of these rubes. The cats were removed from the property with the owner's permission. No charges are expected to be filed because, come on, isn't her life bad enough anyway?
As for the countless cranky cats, Cronin explained the process for dealing with large hoarding situations.
"We've got a big trunk-style freezer with the electrical parts removed and a hole where the AC cord fed in. Basically, we throw the cats in there, feed a hose from my truck's tailpipe to the hole in the freezer, and give it about three or four minutes a load. My boss called it 'Meow-schwitz' once. Uh--let's keep that off the record, though."
Dogs from hoarding cases are not euthanized because dogs are adorable and affectionate, while cats are usually just kind of dicks.
"You don't get into the business unless you love animals, so it's painful to separate any number of animals from their owners," said Animal Control officer Brandon Cronin. "But it definitely helps ease the pain when they're gullible enough to believe the demand for malnourished, surly cats is through the roof."
Teams of hoarding specialists donned protective gear and entered the residence of Samantha Willard, 58, following complaints about aggressive cats attacking children and digging through trash for food. The interior of Willard's home contained hazardous levels of ammonia, two inches of fecal matter in every room, and what appears to be the mummified body of a vagrant hidden beneath a pile of Cat Fancy magazines and QVC shipping boxes.
Each cat was tested for various diseases that are known to spread in a hoarding scenario. Positive readings for fecal bloodworms were obtained for forty animals, Fifty felines tested positive for toxicstrepaplasmosis, a disease so deadly that it is known to kill its host, resurrect it, and kill it again.
"Some of them even tested positive for AIDS. Like, not even feline AIDS. I don't even know how that happened," said veterinary technician Dr. Andy Ross.
Willard was reported to be "hysterical" as her many pets were removed one by one from her house, insisting that she needed the presence of well over 100 cats for reasons she couldn't understand (her parents didn't love her, she is socially isolated, has terrible self-esteem, and needs the approval of living things that are smart enough to feel affection but too dumb to challenge her to take control of her life. Fucking-DUH.).
However, after some time to consider the incredible burden of her lifestyle, Willard gradually became more receptive to the idea of releasing her cats into the custody of animal control.
"That's when I pulled the trigger on 'the finisher'. It's always risky, because if they know you're lying your credibility is damaged big-time." explained officer Cronin.
"The finisher" is asserting that the seized animals will be nursed back to health and adopted out to good homes. If it works, the hoarder doesn't have to consider the ramifications of their irresponsible actions and will be more likely to cooperate. Fortunately, Samantha Willard was one of these rubes. The cats were removed from the property with the owner's permission. No charges are expected to be filed because, come on, isn't her life bad enough anyway?
As for the countless cranky cats, Cronin explained the process for dealing with large hoarding situations.
"We've got a big trunk-style freezer with the electrical parts removed and a hole where the AC cord fed in. Basically, we throw the cats in there, feed a hose from my truck's tailpipe to the hole in the freezer, and give it about three or four minutes a load. My boss called it 'Meow-schwitz' once. Uh--let's keep that off the record, though."
Dogs from hoarding cases are not euthanized because dogs are adorable and affectionate, while cats are usually just kind of dicks.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
New Mental Health Strategy Introduced
Bizarro Decatur, GA (BP)- A critical debate about mental health in America has been rekindled by Michael Brandon Hill, 20, who entered a Georgia elementary school with an AK-47.
"We have to do something, and do it now," said psychiatric expert Dr. Richard Smoker. "Society proclaimed that Sandy Hook was a call to action, but here we are again. We've learned nothing."
Fortunately, nobody was harmed during the incident, including the suspect. Shots were fired in the general direction of the police perimeter, but did not strike any of the responding officers. Despite the relatively positive outcome of this attack, mental health professionals commissioned by the Obama Administration chose to release a preliminary report today in response.
"The full report from our mental health panel is still pending, but we hope these recommendations can fuel public discourse and understanding," wrote President Obama in a brief memo included in the report.
The 50-page document is largely devoted towards analyzing rates of diagnosis and treatment for the most common mental illnesses, but there are several strategies you can use to avert a future crisis in your community.
Risk Factors:
-20-something white male.
-Physically unattractive.
-Currently attending therapy or taking medication for mental disorder.
-Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
-Unusual infatuation with "Sonic the Hedgehog" or "My Little Pony".
-Participates in online dating sites.
-Primary means of social interaction are Reddit and 4chan.
-Is frequently sad, or complains of persistent loneliness.
-Has bangs that are exactly the same length.
-Wears novelty t-shirts exclusively, or monochrome polo shirts buttoned all the way up.
-Parents pretend that he's not a burden, but let's face it, they're disappointed about the way he turned out.
Prevention Strategies:
-Report this individual to the proper authorities. Be sure to document how unpleasant their existence is to you. If they have not made any specific threats, feel free to make things up. The life you save could be your own!
-Separate yourself and everyone you know from this individual. You wouldn't stand next to a lit stick of dynamite, would you? Then why would you associate yourself with a shy, lonely future psychopath? The safety of the public depends on the high-risk person's total isolation!
-Stand up against any effort by Washington elites to make medicine and treatment more affordable and accessible. Many homicidal meltdowns occur after a person has neglected to take their medication. If they never have the chance to become medicated, this will never become a problem!
-If you are a Job Creator, make sure that you don't hire any of these dangerous individuals. If they use your paycheck to purchase their illegally modified full-auto rifles and thousands of rounds in ammunition, the blood of the innocent will drench your hands forevermore (does not apply to Armed Services recruiters or licensed mercenary groups). The mentally ill belong on the streets, in the subway systems, and in secret underground cities.
"We have to do something, and do it now," said psychiatric expert Dr. Richard Smoker. "Society proclaimed that Sandy Hook was a call to action, but here we are again. We've learned nothing."
Fortunately, nobody was harmed during the incident, including the suspect. Shots were fired in the general direction of the police perimeter, but did not strike any of the responding officers. Despite the relatively positive outcome of this attack, mental health professionals commissioned by the Obama Administration chose to release a preliminary report today in response.
"The full report from our mental health panel is still pending, but we hope these recommendations can fuel public discourse and understanding," wrote President Obama in a brief memo included in the report.
The 50-page document is largely devoted towards analyzing rates of diagnosis and treatment for the most common mental illnesses, but there are several strategies you can use to avert a future crisis in your community.
Risk Factors:
-20-something white male.
-Physically unattractive.
-Currently attending therapy or taking medication for mental disorder.
-Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
-Unusual infatuation with "Sonic the Hedgehog" or "My Little Pony".
-Participates in online dating sites.
-Primary means of social interaction are Reddit and 4chan.
-Is frequently sad, or complains of persistent loneliness.
-Has bangs that are exactly the same length.
-Wears novelty t-shirts exclusively, or monochrome polo shirts buttoned all the way up.
-Parents pretend that he's not a burden, but let's face it, they're disappointed about the way he turned out.
Prevention Strategies:
-Report this individual to the proper authorities. Be sure to document how unpleasant their existence is to you. If they have not made any specific threats, feel free to make things up. The life you save could be your own!
-Separate yourself and everyone you know from this individual. You wouldn't stand next to a lit stick of dynamite, would you? Then why would you associate yourself with a shy, lonely future psychopath? The safety of the public depends on the high-risk person's total isolation!
-Stand up against any effort by Washington elites to make medicine and treatment more affordable and accessible. Many homicidal meltdowns occur after a person has neglected to take their medication. If they never have the chance to become medicated, this will never become a problem!
-If you are a Job Creator, make sure that you don't hire any of these dangerous individuals. If they use your paycheck to purchase their illegally modified full-auto rifles and thousands of rounds in ammunition, the blood of the innocent will drench your hands forevermore (does not apply to Armed Services recruiters or licensed mercenary groups). The mentally ill belong on the streets, in the subway systems, and in secret underground cities.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Sharks Need to Shape Up
Bizarro Post Marine Biology Bureau- It's common knowledge that great white sharks tend to be on the large side, but researchers have noticed that the massive predators are developing some serious muffin tops.
"We checked in on our female [great] white, Mary Lee, and she's really been packing on the pounds," said marine biologist Dr. David Jones. "If she keeps this up, we'll need a bigger research boat! Get it? You see the reference I [Editor's note: Yeah, no.]"
The answer, as is often the case, can be traced back to human behavior.
As obese Americans flock to the American east coast, home of Mary Lee and scores of other sharks, the animals find themselves ingesting a diet consisting of sumo swimmers and tremendous tubers.
"Sharks are what they eat, just like anything else," said marine dietitian Moore Chumley. "And since they go after the slowest, most filling prey they can find, it makes perfect sense they'd alter their diet."
According to Dr. Jones, Americans can help our sharks get back in shape by getting ourselves back in shape before submerging ourselves in the Pacific's salty slaughterhouse. A vigorous massage prior to swimming can also make your muscle fibers more tender and juicy for our toothy aquatic friends
"We checked in on our female [great] white, Mary Lee, and she's really been packing on the pounds," said marine biologist Dr. David Jones. "If she keeps this up, we'll need a bigger research boat! Get it? You see the reference I [Editor's note: Yeah, no.]"
The answer, as is often the case, can be traced back to human behavior.
As obese Americans flock to the American east coast, home of Mary Lee and scores of other sharks, the animals find themselves ingesting a diet consisting of sumo swimmers and tremendous tubers.
"Sharks are what they eat, just like anything else," said marine dietitian Moore Chumley. "And since they go after the slowest, most filling prey they can find, it makes perfect sense they'd alter their diet."
According to Dr. Jones, Americans can help our sharks get back in shape by getting ourselves back in shape before submerging ourselves in the Pacific's salty slaughterhouse. A vigorous massage prior to swimming can also make your muscle fibers more tender and juicy for our toothy aquatic friends
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