Bizarro Post Internet Bureau- Five young men have been arrested for their participation in the Icy Hot Prankstas "prank posse."
The group became a fast sensation on YouTube, and were soon able to monetize their hit count until it became a stable full-time job. The Icy Hot Pranksta crew consisted of two camera men, an editor, and a pair of hosts that planned and executed the actual pranks. The two became notorious for pushing the envelope with each passing episode of their popular program.
PRANKSTA TIMELINE
-Ghostly Gallon Smashing: Gallon smashing is the act of taking a gallon of liquid in each hand, running through a store, pretending to trip in a dramatic fashion, and falling in such a way that the jugs smash and break open. The Prankstas' modified version used jugs of purified water, which was more difficult to see when spilled. Jimmy "Ice" Callum would often perform this act near senior citizens, since they were more likely to slip and fall. A successful slip earned the team more "Prank Pointz", a system they used to quantify the hilarity of their antics.
-Queen on the Throne: Using cherry bombs in toilets is nothing new. But in this stunning stunt that left a struggling YMCA building in ruins, the Prankstas ignited the fireworks so that they would go off in tandem with Queen's Under Pressure bass line.
-Ba-Honka-Honk: The Prankstas ignited a firestorm with this bit, which featured both Jimmy and Bud "Hot" Franklin on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University. Both pretended to study until a young woman passed by before sprinting after them, grasping both buttocks, and shouting "Honk Honk!"
The Prankstas, represented by celebrity attorney Ron Goldstein, barely avoided a landslide of sexual assault charges. Both were ordered to perform community service, which lead to....
-Suicide Icy Hotline: Jimmy and Bud both signed up to man the phones at a suicide prevention center to fulfill their responsibilities to the court. Since the call center was hard pressed to find applicants for the emotionally traumatizing role, the request was approved without delay. The Prankstas formulated a plan.
"My husband left me and my children while he was supposedly on a business trip! Our only source of income is gone. Just gone! My children want answers, and I just can't give them one. We're going to get foreclosed on any day now! I just don't see any way out."
"Well, m'am," Jimmy began, "we get a hell of a lot of calls on this very subject. As long as the kids are in your custody, they're stuck with you. If you're homeless, they're homeless. But if you're gone permanent-like, the state gets custody. And boom! They've got everything they need, reliable-like. Don't be selfish here, lady. Think of the children."
This was just one of hundreds that the two pranked, racking up a new Prank Pointz record before the day was over.
"Hey man. I'm ____________, a veteran who did a couple of tours in Afghanistan. When I was moving with this convoy, the guy at the front straight-up ran over this little kid. Boom, dead. Just like that. This man comes running up to us with this AK-47, and I had to do what I did. I had to waste him before he opened up on us. But if I was that kid's dad, wouldn't I have done the same thing? I mean, Jesus. What else can you do when you see shit like that? Is it my fault?"
Bud took this one. "Jesus Christ, I've fielded about fifty calls today, and yours is beyond the most fucked. At least the Nazis had the excuse that they would be shot if they refused to follow orders. You signed on a dotted line to volunteer. And what's the worst that would happen if you refused an order? Court marshal? Oh, so your freedom is worth more than a child's life? It's worth being a part of that obscenity? I think it's about time you took responsibility for your actions, shitlord."
Yeah, it kind of went on like that.
-Musty Gallon Smashing: Inspired by a recipe they read in Fight Club, the crew started gallon smashing with a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia cleaning solvent in each hand. The Prankstas barely escaped justice by virtue of them wearing gas masks and using a new YouTube channel.
-Ding Dong Stab: The Pranksta Pair ran around a suburban neighborhood in southern Indiana ringing the doorbell and hiding nearby. When the resident opened the door, the Prankstas would leap from their hiding places with combat knifes and began "Ding Dong Stabbing."
"Pranksta Pointz! I WANT ALL THE PRANKSTA POINTZ!" screamed Jimmy, before licking his blade clean.
Furious troopers subdued the two men by plowing into them with their squad cars. An internal affairs investigation cited the officers for failing to use sufficient force against the suspects.
Jimmy and Bud are being held on $99,999,999 bond. The three crew members are being tried as accessories to suburban genocide, and could face as many as "a million gajillion" years in prison.
YouTube fans have created a petition to free Jimmy and Bud because they are "too cute to be guilty of anything." As of this writing, the petition has two-million signatures.
Showing posts with label Trends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trends. Show all posts
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Chicken Soup for the Bizarro Soul: Dogs and Douchebags
Wild Dogs Get New "Leash" on Life
Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.
African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.
"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."
These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.
"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."
Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.
Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.
"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."
Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.
Vegans Come in First(-World)
Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.
"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.
It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.
The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:
WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.
WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.
WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.
WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.
We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.
The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.
Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.
African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.
"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."
These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.
"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."
Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.
Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.
"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."
Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.
Vegans Come in First(-World)
Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.
"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.
It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.
The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:
WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.
WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.
WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.
WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.
We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.
The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Chicken Soup: Television, Trans, and Twilight
Man Happy With Cable Provider
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Bizarro Charleston, SC (BP)- Local resident Jimmy Evans, 43, is very satisfied with the cable service he receives from Comcast.
"They hiked my monthly fees this year, but I think it's a perfectly reasonable amount. It's no big deal at all," said Evans.
According to Evans, who moved to the Charleston area in January of 2012, Comcast representatives put him on hold for two hours when he called to order service. The technician showed up four hours late to activate Evans' cable box and router.
"They're one of the biggest cable providers in the country, so I'd imagine they're awfully busy. It's to be expected," Evans explained.
Constant prolonged service interruptions haven't gotten him down either. Evans chalks that up some routine maintenance, albeit maintenance that takes place sporadically throughout the entire day.
"They cut off my service when my neighbor failed to pay his bill. I called the service line, and we had a big laugh about the whole mistake! Well, I laughed. The service rep. sounded kind of bored, but I suppose that job can be a bit tedious. No worries!"
Jimmy Evans plans to continue his service with Comcast indefinitely. We attempted to contact his email account for an update, but our email daemon reported that Evans' Comcast email account had been disabled.
"They re-enabled it today," explained Evans over his Xfinity land line. "Turns out they mistook me for a software pirate and forwarded my account information to the NSA. They did say they were sorry though, so it's all good as far as I'm con--"
Our phone conversation ended abruptly when Evans' phone service was mistakenly terminated due to a billing error. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops.
Manning Not A Man! Pundits Disinterested.
Bizarro Post Punditry Bureau- America is free to breathe a collective sigh of relief as conservative pundits nationwide decided not to scream for weeks on end about how Bradley Manning wishes to receive gender reassignment surgery.
"Thank God," said dental clinic receptionist Pamela Easton, whose employer listens exclusively to talk radio. "I don't mind listening to AM radio, but when they discuss one subject over and over for days it gets really tedious. I was expecting at least two weeks of non-stop bitching. At minimum."
Pronouns proved to be a perilous point of contention for major news outlets such as the Associated Press and The New York Times.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that journalists don't have a solid precedent for gender-specific pronoun use in a situation like this, and I just don't have the energy for it all," said veteran Fox News talker Bill O'Reilly.
The fact that Manning is transgendered [Editor's Note: Did you know this word is considered incorrect by Google Chrome? Check your privilege, CIS scum!] status has been known for months may have had something to do with the lack of interest in a photo of the former soldier dressed in drag. Pundits like Sean Hannity insist that there are bigger, fresher fish to fry.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that we should be discussing what this reckless act of treason has done to endanger our interests. Let's skip the garnish and get straight to the entrée," Hannity smirked. "Did I mention Benghazi yet, by any chance? Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi."
A fairly sober opinion on the matter might be expected from two staples of the Fox News prime-time lineup, but what about the major players that are too hot for TV? Enter Glenn Beck.
"Look, the indisputable fact of the matter is that the leaks were vital--I cannot emphasize that word enough--to America's understanding of Obama's plan to empower his Reptilian allies and the international Zionist bankers," muttered Glenn Beck as he stared somberly at a statuette of an eagle perching on Thomas Jefferson's forearm. "If he wants to be a woman? Fine! Cool! I love women! I even married one! I will pay for his surgery myself. I will make her a duchess in the sovereign island nation that I will soon establish. Let it be carved into the flesh of every true patriot that Chelsea Manning is a martyr for justice in the purest sense. In fact, I have the knife right here. So sharp. So smooth. Made in America. Our becoming shall begin now. Do you see? Do you see!?"
Our search for outrage having exhausted the contents of this mortal coil, we sought anger from beyond the grave. With the assistance of the Bizarro Post Necromancy Bureau, we spoke with the tattered remains of Andrew Breitbart in a Los Angeles cemetery.
"Observe us. Our words cannot be disputed by your feeble tongue. We have no interest in the one called Manning," groaned the unshaven ghoul. "The keepers of the prison will use no taxes to reshape his meager flesh. Perhaps we will. Perhaps we will introduce all flesh to our purpose."
Post necromancers hastily ended the interview by banishing Breitbart to the "Zone Beyond the Veil." Furthermore, they insisted that we never speak of what our mortal eyes beheld [Editor's note: Whoops!].
Media analysts suggest that all stories related to Manning will be buried by the simultaneous conclusion of several reality shows in the coming weeks. For "America's Got Talent", my money's on the guy with the guitar.
Homeless Win the I'm Hungry Games
Bizarro Post Homeless Bureau- Hate mail directed at someone giving to the homeless may be an odd concept, but for young coding guru Patrick McConlogue, it comes with the territory.
"I've been accused of being out of touch with the needs of the homeless in America," McConlogue wrote to the Bizarro Post. "Instead of giving them one meal, I intend to give them the means to buy any food they want, any time they want it."
McConlogue, 23, shared the details of his plan in a blog published by Medium. After hand-selecting a homeless person with potential, McConlogue offers a one-time cash donation or a Samsung Chromebook and three books on creative writing. The goal is to train a homeless person to write their own saucy young adult novel with supernatural themes, publish their manuscripts, and obtain a life of luxury.
"We've got some brilliant people out there," McConlogue wrote in a blog update. "We've got a lady writing about a bisexual teenage vampire that loves archery, and this other dude's got a book in the works about a 16-year-old dragon tamer who attends pyromancy school. There's well-defined abs and really close hugs all over the place. Not like you'd hug your grandma, you understand. I'm talking, like, TSA checkpoint levels of contact."
If it sounds like cheating your way to riches, creating a young-adult sensation [Editor's Note: Never put those words in that order again] isn't as easy as it sounds. Leon French, who has been homeless for a decade after being laid off, is currently working on a trilogy called "The Dragon Slayer Who is Allergic to Shirts".
"You've got certain guidelines to follow, and it's a delicate balancing act," said French as he wrote outside a Starbucks containing no product that he could possibly afford. "For instance, every Y-A book needs a sex scene, right? It needs to be provocative, but not explicit. No descriptions of nipples, no using the word 'turgid', no onomatopoeia. Basically, if a Mormon wouldn't write it, you shouldn't either. That's the way I understand it, anyhow."
McConlogue is looking for more contributions to expand his outreach to more homeless people.
"There are thousands of best-sellers huddled beneath bridges and in alleys," said McConlogue, gesturing douchily. "And the schizophrenic ones, man, the stuff they write is like if William S. Burroughs and Hunter S. Thompson made wallpaper out of acid tabs and just ran their tongues all over it. Like, just going full Snozzberries on it."
Thursday, July 18, 2013
From Mismanaged to McManaged
Known to its devotees as "McBudgeting", the personal finance system is based on algorithms that maximize your lifestyle and minimize your worries. If bad budgeting is making you "Grimace", here's how to "Supersize" your potential.
1. Get a second job.
"I was blown away," said McBudgeter and CEO of Dinoco Oil Co-operative. "Working two jobs was just unfathomable. I'm making a couple of mil' a quarter as it stands. But there's no denying it. Two jobs means more money!"
The math is undeniable. Over 70 hours of work a week is going to take some of the bite out of your bills. To maximize your productivity, remember that you only need about four hours of sleep a night to avoid hallucinations and acute organ failure.Most meals can be eaten in less than a minute if you put some effort into it, and if you've got a day off at one job, you can offer to work twice as long at your other position.
2. $600 rent or bust!
Human society has alpha providers and cringing betas. If you want to assert your dominance, you've got to be willing to put some pressure on the landlord. Walk into their office with your shoulders back and your chin up. Ladies, it wouldn't hurt to show some leg. Look your landlord right in the eye and tell them that your rent is now $600 a month, and you'll be goddamned if you're going to pay a single red cent more.
If your landlord's got a bit of an alpha streak, you may have to push harder. Consider getting some badass temporary tribal tattoos, or wearing a boa constrictor around your neck. Rub your pheromone glands against his desk and bare your incisors. Once he exposes his soft underbelly and discontinues eye contact, you know your work is done.
3. Find the right health insurance.
Your health insurance woes can be put to rest if you put in the work, which most scrubs just can't be bothered to do. My cousin, the one who knows some "people", turned me on to a up-and-coming insurance company called Cheapasfree. For $20 a month, they mail you five Band-Aids and an opened, half-empty container of Baby Aspirin.
"I started thinking," said Alpha Beta Phi Pledge Brah Cooley, whose father owns a car dealership. "Like, what health problem do I have the most? Usually a hangover, maybe a papercut and stuff. Taking the Cheapasfree Insurance economy package was a no-brainer!"
4. Don't fall for the lies of Big Heating.
Every winter, thousands fall victim to the elements. The heating lobby wants you to believe that their agonizing deaths could have been prevented if they had access to natural gas for their heaters, which is simply not the case. The elderly are teetering on the edge of death anyway, and poor people just aren't trying hard enough. You don't need to spend a dime to keep warm and toasty--even in the most devastating blizzard.
First, a lot of body heat can be lost through the feet and groin. Wear several pairs of socks at all times, and cup your hands over your junk to deflect the heat back towards your body. In a pinch, you can usually find a material in the walls of your home called "Fiberglass Insulation". Stuff this fluffy material against your vulnerable nether regions and you'll be immune to Jack Frost's cruel nippings. If your building utilized Asbestos insulation, you can still use it as long as you hold your breath while applying it.
5. Seek solace in solitude
The greeting card industry won't like this one bit--but let's face some home truths here; other people are a huge burden.
Friends demand that we waste valuable working time "enjoying one another's company." Families weep and moan about how you never visit on the holidays. Hey Gran-Gran, how about getting off your powerchair and earn some damn money like your grandson over here?
Relationships are a sham that society has sadly come to embrace. Have you ever seen a dog in heat, surrounded by gentledogs wishing to court her? It's the very model of efficiency. Their model focuses on the only important part of any relationship, cutting out the drudgery of expensive meals and parental introductions. There are no fights, and divorce is rendered irrelevant. Everyone keeps their money, and you've invested about 30 seconds at the most. That leaves 30 seconds left to finish that sandwich and get back to the french fry station in time for the afternoon rush.
Finally, there's the matter of reproduction. Is there anything more useless than a baby? Its earning potential is non-existent. The organs are too small to sell in most markets. Men can avoid this crippling expense by wearing an elaborate disguise during copulation, and quickly leaving when the act concludes. Make sure she can't see your license plate, and never accept a phone call from anyone associated with Maury Povich. Women have it quite a bit easier, as their bodies have a way of shutting that whole thing down in the event of an accidental pregnancy.
No matter what you do for a living--whether you perform oil changes on cars, help people with their taxes, or write articles in exchange for Fast Food Lobby money--McBudgeting can turn your life around, just as it did mine.
McBudgeting? I'm lovin' it.
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