Bizarro Post Business Bureau (BP)- After announcing their intent to open for business at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving, it has become apparent that Kmart still believes that people actively want to shop at Kmart at any point in time, much less first-thing in the morning on a national holiday.
"It's just sad, really," says shopper Corynne Runyon. "I mean, guys, maybe it's time to face the music here."
Since its meteoric post-2000 fall, the formerly formidable big-box retailer is an anemic shadow of its former self. The shelves are disheveled and often empty. Years worth of grime and dust accumulate in every corner and beneath every shelf. Items litter the ground, and abandoned carts languish throughout the building. Despite the conspicuous signs of decay, Kmart still remains convinced that they can pull out of their nosedive if they're willing to do the things that other retailers aren't.
"We sincerely believe that being open for business during Thanksgiving will revolutionize the retail holiday strategy, and our associates can't wait to share the holiday cheer with our beloved customers," said Kmart spokesman Harold Graham before his lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably. He rose and briskly walked from his office, waving away cameras as he sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
In defiance of all logic, Kmart has made no effort to make sure its inventory is replenished prior to the shopping blitz that follows Thanksgiving each year. Shoppers can expect empty shelves, products produced before they were even born, and a grim glimpse into business on its deathbed that stews in its own feces and refuses to pass away with dignity.
No comments:
Post a Comment