Guys? Nobody Tell Her.

Bizarro Post Cringe Crisis Response Team- On December 9th, an article was published to Huffington Post's "Style" section by Ellie Krupnick. It referred to a totally legitimate report by a marketing firm that found 58 percent of men ages 18-24 and 63 percent of those 25-34 use some kind of moisturizing product. Brace yourself guys, because that number goes down once a man become elderly. Gosh, it's almost like it's not being used for its "age defying" properties! But that surely can't be the case!

What's more, she strongly recommends getting the man in your life a supply of his very own lotion, because for some reason they tend to use it whenever nobody is around to see them do it:

"A Escentual.com survey found that your boyfriend is likely to grab your Clarins Extra Firming Day Cream or DIOR Capture Totale Multi-Perfection Crème while you're not looking."

Huhuhuhuh. Hey Beavis. "Firming." (Also, what in the FUCK is "Multi-Perfection"?)

And the final line--oh, it is a thing of beauty!

"Avoid that fate by buying your man some day cream of his own -- chances are, he's probably into the stuff already."

Guys? Nobody tell her.

Bizarro Editorial: Andrew Milkcow Blows Hot Air About Typhoon

Andrew Milkcow is a libertarian and conservative radio host of the Milkcow Majority on Sirius/XM Patriot. He's right, you're wrong, the arguments in this article cannot be broken (he refused to contribute this article unless we put that in the preface).

So apparently a big, scary storm blew down a bunch of shitty tarpaper shacks in the Phillip Peens. And now I'm hearing over and over again about how these people don't have access to food, water, and shelter. And they want it handed to them, and they want it now.

BAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAA! BAAAAA!! Keep bleating, sheeple!

What you bottom-feeding third-world degenerates don't seem to understand is that holding your hands out to big daddy government is what got you in this situation in the first place. If you relied on free enterprise, your nation would have big, sexy buildings that could withstand a pussy little storm just as well as your American counterparts. If you'd stop being disgusting queermo knuckle-draggers, maybe you would have figured out ages ago that the free market could have prevented all that you're going through right now. This is entirely your fault. And don't expect me to give a shit about your problems, or to have the slightest clue where your dumb country is. Reading is for homos, and learning is for ivory tower elitists.

But hope isn't lost. You can still pull yourself out of this downward spiral into socialist sodomy orgies. You're surrounded by rubble, right? It's got wood, it's got nails, it's got plastic. Build shelters! Become an architect! It's a brand new market that hasn't been tapped yet, and you could be the next big thing if you'd just got off of your lazy asses and stop bitching about dysentery.

And the dead bodies? They're still fresh, which means they're still edible. Don't give me that look, you vegan vaginas! Humans taste like pork, and pork is a perfectly good meat. It's not like those corpses are doing anything anyway. They're just sitting around, spreading diseases and waiting for the government to provide them with a linen sheet to be hastily buried in. BAAAAA! BAAAAAA! I'm dead, please help my shepherd! BAAAAA! Come to think of it, sell the human flesh as mutton. That's show those parasite sons of bitches. Speaking of parasites, be sure to cook the meat very thoroughly before selling. The free market doesn't like bad press from the health department (another socialist scam).

Oh noooo, Milkcow! You can't say that! The PC police are going to be mad!

Let those fairies get mad! I'm right! They're wrong! That's the end of the story! The arguments in this article cannot be broken! And get this! I've got progressives coming up to me every single day suggesting that I'm a deeply insecure man because I keep repeating my mantra about being right over and over again. Bullshit! Only a liberal would mistake confidence for insecurity.

Am I lamenting the fact that my youth is behind me, and rapidly fading into the distance? I don't know, maybe I am! Am I bothered about my receding hairline? Sure, whatever! Do I start screaming farm animal noises at callers who threaten to unravel my fragile sense of reality? Sure, it's funny! Do I support Randian principles and the prohibition of free market positions for businesses I don't like in the same breath?  Sometimes!

Look, no, I'm not getting into this. Come on Milkcow, you've got this...Okay, here we go.

I'm right. You're wrong. The arguments in this article cannot be broken. Andrew Milkcow, Sirius/XM Patriot.

Voice of the Bizarro People: PTSD Isn't Free

Bizarro Newtown, CT (BP)- In what would become one of the most notorious acts of random violence in history, an autistic young man named Adam Lanza found himself acting on a long-cultivated fetish for violence and mass murder. After shooting his mother in the head, he rummaged through her extensive gun collection and compiled a small arsenal. In the hopes of becoming as notorious as possible, Lanza decided to attack an elementary school. People at the scene and those who were asked to identify the bodies said that Adam methodically shot off appendages before finally killing his victims. By the time Officer Thomas Bean entered the school, Lanza had already shot himself in the head.

Since then, Bean has endured the ravages of PTSD, a condition that plagues combat veterans at endemic rates. Now, Officer Bean is facing termination from the Newtown police. Words of support have flooded in from across the Internet.

"Damn greedy, lazy pussy!!!" wrote Rallyforge on NBC's Today news site. Many others offered tough love by making reference to vaginas and other feminine items that mystify the thriving community of deep-thinkers on NBC's community forum.

Dave Murphy pointed out the little bitches in the military would get their "panzy" asses beaten for this kind of behavior. "What a panzy. He should hang up his gun and badge and go work for the Post Office. Oh wait.......that won't work either....someone might "go postal" while he's delivering the mail. He'd never make it in the military either. Yes, we have vets that are suffering PTSD, but let's look at some figures. This cop sees one shooting incident in which 26 people are killed. In a war zone, most vets see that every day for a year. This jerk is a classic case of being a malingerer. Malingering is a term used in the military for faking an illness to get out of duty."

Yes, true patriots know that the way to deal with persistent psychological trauma is the same way our forefathers did: spousal abuse, child abuse, crippling drug addictions, homelessness, and suicide in a grocery store parking lot.

On this Memorial Day, proud Americans have joined together to tell traumatized veterans of senseless bloodbaths what they need to hear, even if it isn't what they want to hear.

Shut the fuck up, you prissy little queers. And thank you for your service.

Grassroots Grows Out of Control

Bizarro Post Political Activism Bureau- When Fred Harden, 46, sought to start a grassroots political organization, he thought it was going to be a simple, empowering affair.

"You see people starting groups like this all the time," said Harden. "I thought with enough elbow grease, anyone could do it. I guess I was right to a certain extent, but I had no idea what was going to happen after I got off the ground."

Harden's group, The Polk County Conservative Alliance, reflects the socially and fiscally conservative values that he and many other members of his community live by. When the website, Facebook page, and fliers went up, he had a network of supporters blossom into about 40 willing volunteers for a small gathering at a local park.

"It was going to be a barbecue, where we could get together and discuss our common values. Pray for America, and things of that nature," Harden recalled. "But then I got my first member from outside of town. Outside of the state, even. I didn't know these people, but they were pledging support. I thought it was amazing! At first."

What Harden didn't know is that this influx of attention was being orchestrated by Art Copeland, a billionaire known for his heavy financial involvement in politics after the controversial Citizens United ruling allowed for anonymous contributions and legalized money laundering. One of Copeland's numerous political action committees contacted Harden with an offer.

"I get this letter from the American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC. They say they've been watching my group gaining momentum, and want to take control of it after paying me a small commission for getting the ball rolling," Harden said, brandishing the letter. "I didn't want it. This was supposed to be about my community, and how we felt. And I started to wonder if all these people I had never met decided to cooperate with this group."

Harden's intuitions were right. On the day of the PCCA's outing, the park was flooded with strangers and cameras from Fox News, Pajamas Media, and Breitbart News. Harden and his friends were heartbroken.

"He told them he wouldn't sell, so they swooped in with numbers to take it from him. It's socialism is what it is!" said Harden's long-time friend Jerry "Sarge" Shelton.

Polk natives, Harden included, watched the massive event from a nearby sandwich shop. Confederate flags and misspelled signs were thrust into the air, and then discarded all over the carefully maintained public park. Rascal and HoverRound scooters ripped through the grass, leaving muddy stripes all across the youth league's baseball diamond. A wealthy financier commissioned an elaborate stage for the speakers to use, where they encouraged participants to invest in gold and buy freeze-dried rations for the upcoming Obam-ocalypse.

"This is terrible," remarked World War II veteran Charles Bowling. "We wanted a nice picnic, and the circus comes into town."

The lovely park was now trashed. Had the local Boy Scout Troop not jumped in to volunteer, it likely would have remained a shadow of its former self. Even now, scars remain.

"I don't even want to be a part of PCCA anymore," Harden sighed. "But it's not mine. Now it belongs to some millionaire I've never even met, who's going to bus in even more people next month for another event in the town square."

The PPCA, once one man's humble attempt to let his community's voice be heard, has been absorbed into a strange and shadowy hivemind with vague intentions.

"We love that small town activism! It's really about giving a voice to Main Street USA," explained American Foundation for Freedomy Liberties PAC representative Clive Bartlett. According to the AFFL PAC website, the group supports a grassroots initiative to make the market "more fair" for multi-national corporations operating in America's rural communities.

"I just wanted a picnic," Harden muttered as news helicopters buzzed his home for the third time in an hour.

Gov. Nikki Haley Nods Solemnly at Fire Victims

Bizarro Georgetown, SC (BP)- South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley climbed aboard her private jet, which she is highly reluctant to use, and made an appearance in the historic district of Georgetown to acknowledge the existence of fire victims.

"Georgetown is open for business," Governor Haley announced in front of the smoldering wreckage of people's homes and livelihoods.

Georgetown is home to a thriving industrial district and waterways that are chunky and robustly fortified with heavy metals. The town's iconic water tower stands proudly, coated with All-American grime of unchecked industrial excess. None of these proud symbols have been affected by Wednesday morning's massive fire. However, it did eliminate 10 businesses and about 130 jobs (which, let's be honest, probably sucked anyway).

"She lost her business," Governor Haley said, gesturing vaguely at the assembled crowd. "She lost her home above it. She's also committed to the fact that we're going to build it back up again."

Gov. Haley apparently misspoke when she said "we." Since the fire is not a natural disaster, there will be no FEMA assistance. There is nothing mandating that any level of government is required to provide any financial assistance whatsoever.

"The funding is going to be more private," Haley explained.

Money can be donated to the Front Street Fire Relief fund at any First Citizens Bank, where it will be trapped in bureaucratic limbo for all time.You will never hear about any of this again.

Jersey Shore Boardwalk DEFINITELY No Longer DTF

Bizarro Jersey Shore, NJ (BP)- One day after a devastating fire ravaged the recently rebuilt Jersey Shore boardwalk, a freak ice storm unleashed its wrath on a wounded community treasure.

"This is fucking bullshit!" screamed Governor Chris Christie to the heavens above. "You want to screw with Jersey, I'm right here, asshole! Come at me!"

The blanket of white covering the mangled remains of the mostly brand-new boardwalk is a stark contrast to the blackened scraps of wood and metal that lies beneath. Fire fighters say that the cold and precipitation will likely eliminate any remaining hotspots, but direct suppression is difficult due to the treacherous conditions and flash-freezing potential.

"The ice makes it next to impossible to tell where the boardwalk might give way, so we're going to continue observing the area until things clear up," said firefighter Gus Marion.

Witnesses and photos suggest that the flames originated from beneath the boardwalk, near a custard stand.

"God is like, pissed or something," suggested Jersey Shore icon Snooki. "If he's mad about our show ending, it's like, cool and stuff. We're still out there working. I'm still here, Jesus! Or was it God? Wait, are they two different people? I never really understood that part."

Taking a similar stance on the disaster, Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church issued a statement linking the constant disasters to MTV's discontinued hit, Jersey Shore.

"God hates the Smush Room," said Phelps. "When people are DTF in the Smush Room, soldiers die. Fires rage. Pastors drink until they have no choice but to beat their children."

There are currently plans to rebuild the boardwalk as an underground bunker, complete with a fallout shelter.