Local Alcoholic Father Much More Pleasant When Drunk

Bizarro Gary, IN (BP)- The wife and children of a local alcoholic father live in constant terror whenever Harry Wilson is sober.

"He becomes this different person. He hates his job, he hates living in poverty, he hates living in a 'police state,' he hates being alive. He's a complete nihilist," explains Juliette Wilson, Harry's wife of 13 years. "But once he takes that first drink, a weigh lifts from my shoulder. I know it's going to be okay.

The magic of alcohol, which Harry consumes on a nightly basis, transforms the bitter and depressed man into an affectionate and charming father figure.

"Family game night sounds really lame, but when dad gets drunk it's really fun!" said Gary Wilson, son. "When he run out of scotch, he mostly just sits in his chair and cries quietly when he thinks nobody's in earshot. I wish my daddy would never stop drinking."

Harry's daughter, Catherine, tells the same story. Not only is her piss-drunk father willing to have difficult discussions about life and growing up whenever she finds herself confused, he's even been a big help in developing her talents as an actress with the school drama club. His lack of inhibitions allows him to pour his heart and soul into the roles of Mr. Mephistopheles and King Lear. Harry's moving performances have driven Catherine to become one of the most driven young performers in the history of the arts program, according to arts and humanities teacher Robin Stonewall.

"Our marriage has never been better," Juliette candidly admits. "He drinks most of the wine on date night, but he always makes sure that I have some too. And the dinners he prepares are incredible, especially by candlelight."

It goes without saying, of course, that Harry's inebriated lovemaking is both unbridled and inventive.

We salute Harry, a true American problem solver. Life gave him lemons, and he made lemonade--with a generous helping of vodka, naturally. If more fathers were willing to drink themselves into perfection, the world would be such an amazing place we might not even have to drink at all. And hell, we'll drink to that!