Mynn Lessina is a novelist and a........is there a reason we keep publishing "Mommy" blogger? Anybody have a rough childhood back in sales? Some mommy issues? Speak up, because I'd really rather not have my face turned into a skinmask in your woodshed later.
"We need a lady monster so we can boss it around."
That was the shot heard round the blogosphere, as Captain Underpants declared war on the female gender and one pissed-off mommy blogger.
This phrase was uttered by a mad scientist, explaining to his dull-witted henchman that they would need the DNA of an "attractive" woman, because a female monster would "wash our dishes and iron our shirts."
I know what you're thinking. These two characters are villains, and cartoonishly inept villains at that! Because they're villains, anything they say is a demonstration of what insane assholes think. What's more, these are villains drawn and written by a pair of gradeschool boys who are notorious for being anti-social little anarchists who have spent the last decade or so shattering their school principal's psyche and making him run around in his underwear placing himself in mortal danger. All of the misogynistic opinions come from the imaginations of children that we're obviously not supposed to emulate. That means it's okay, right?
WRONG, YOU FASCIST DEGENERATES.
As I watched my son laugh at the scene of a beautiful young woman being turned into a giant toilet monster, I found myself wondering if there was a way to castrate a book with garden shears that wouldn't make me seem weird if anyone saw me.
The Night of the Terror of the Revenge of the Curse of the Bride of Hairy Potty is a hate letter to all of womankind disguised as a high-brow piece of children's literature. But its venom has been allowed to course through the veins of America's literary institutions for too long.
Knowing nothing about the Captain Underpants franchise but troubled by this alarming assault on my gender, I spring into action. No Wikipedia article went unskimmed. No TV Tropes page went unglanced at. I talked to two real-live female librarians about it. After I promised to leave without making them call the police, one of them conceded to me that there were very few female characters in Captain Underpants at all. Oh, but this was okay, because it was a book marketed at young boys. SCREW YOU, GENDER-TRAITOR. The world is already delivered to men on a silver platter, but they get to have their own books now?
And these two fourth-grade boys that act as protagonists in the Captain Underpants world--George and Harold--are more than old enough to know about gender studies. They're more than old enough to fully grasp the nuance of fem-lit-theory and its role in contemporary historical blogging. Don't give me any bullshit about their "brains not being developed enough to make responsible decisions" or "projecting my hatred of all men onto two fictional children who are young enough to believe toilets are the foundation of all comedy." These books are written by a 47-year-old man! What's a creepy old man doing writing children's books anyway? This young, bold children's book author (Me. I mean me.) wants answers!
The crusade begins here! You've fucked with the wrong blogger, Dav Pilkey, you Phalli-Hitler son-of-a-(empowered and self-employed)whore! I'll have you know that my blog has over 10,000 hits, and only 78% are from Russian data mining websites.
No comments:
Post a Comment