Bizarro Shelbyville, SC (BP)- After sparking massive public outrage for publishing plans to build a public skate park for $50,000, Mayor Angela Majors has decided to troll the hell out of her city's citizens by leaking fake expenditure reports to the local media constantly.
"I saw the protesters gathering outside the designated construction site, and it struck me that these people were terrible!" Mayor Majors recalled. "And with that realization came a delightful idea."
She tested the waters the following week by announcing the construction of the Confederate Flag Desecration Center, a facility where Confederate battle flags would be smeared with discarded viscera from a nearby butchery. The price tag was set at $1 million. Furious protesters descended on the empty lot downwind of the Shelbyville Sewage Treatment Annex, where the fabricated facility was to be constructed.
"Ahahaha, I mean, this was clearly bullshit. Nobody should have believed this, but there they were! All of them basking in the fumes of a million gallons of ass-water! And for what!? An obvious joke of a building for a stupid, irrelevant relic of our self-destructive past!" Mayor Majors gasped through gales of laughter.
There was nothing that protesters wouldn't gather to shout at. No prank was too obvious. No price tag too inflated. No building site too implausible. When the mayor announced plans to build a "Not Groping Baby Ducks Municipal Annex", several dozen protesters arrived with signs that read "Say NO to Not Groping Baby Ducks!" and "Not Groping Baby Ducks? NOT IN MY TOWN!"
"You know, this should completely destroy me mentally. With the cynicism and the utter ineptitude of my fellow man," said Majors, staring wistfully at the protests against a Pansexual Gay Abortionarium valued at $3 billion. "But damn, I'm having too much fun! I should run for a House seat."
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