Bizarro Post's Brace for Impact series covers the ambitions and philosophies of fucking lunatics who will soon have more power and money than you could ever imagine.
When asked about a country beyond the United States that he admired, Tea Partier Dean Young punted. "I'm not a big world traveler, so I don't know," he replied, making it incredibly clear that his understanding of foreign policy began and ended with elementary school civics courses. Political insiders are hoping that this will prevent him from causing any international incidents in the likely event that he is elected.
One obstacle to his status within the Tea Party hierarchy is his stance on Saudi Arabia. Career politician Bradley Byrne was quick to give the Islamic theocracy a swift kick to the balls, which always plays well to the Tea Party crowd. Young, on the other hand, stated that we should engage in "free trade" with them. While he is technically correct that Saudi oil is a cornerstone of America's economy, his failure to assert cultural supremacy afterwards may not fly with the tri-cornered hat crowd. It seems that he's either ignorant about what Saudi Arabia's primary exports are, or he has no idea what their cultural topography is. Being clueless about Uzbekistan and the like is a plus, because it's fairly inconsequential. But the Tea Party has a shit list, Young, and you'd do well to know who's on it.
Another potential issue is Young's response on homosexuality.
"When you start talking about that, I don't even know...Homosexuality is wrong, and that is just the way it is. Always has been, always will be."
Analyzing that statement yields some troubling clues about the political future of this rookie Tea Partier. His first sentence betrays feelings of uncertainty, perhaps even fear. He's looking inward, and something he finds provokes an entire ellipses worth of silence. When Young finally does issue a condemnation of homosexuality, he does so in a way that includes redundancies. It sounds more like a mantra he chants every time his eyes stray towards an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. This answer will satisfy his people, of course, but this guy's been hanging around in the closet like David Carradine in Thailand. Probably wearing the same thing, too. And how long is it going to be before some inquisitive maid from The New York Times or TMZ spills the beans?
Young, however, has the good sense to get back on course when things get tense. When asked where Barack Obama was born, Young offers a single word.
"Kenya."
Well, I've got one word for you, Mr. Young: Bravo!
With a rookie statesman, it's natural to expect a few mistakes. But with time, Young can refine his skills in the fine art of xenophobia and the complex process of concealing latent homosexuality.
Brace for impact, America. Dean Young could be the next big thing in clueless, all-powerful political titans.
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