Bizarro New York City (BP)- A group of motorcyclists are being heralded as heroes after saving a family under attack by a bee in their Range Rover.
"There's nothing scarier than a bee in the car with your family," said biker Jimmy Rockwell. "It could sting you, it could sting someone you care about, it could cause you to make a critical mistake behind the wheel. You've got to take drastic action in those circumstances."
Attendees of the Hollywood Block Party rally happened to notice a driver in distress as they passed by, frantically swatting at a furious bee bouncing against his windshield. Without hesitation, they sprung into action, surrounding the SUV to help the driver stay in his lane.
"Thank God for those guys," the driver said after the ordeal was finally over. "The bee could have come flying in from anywhere, and I was so disoriented. But the sounds of their obnoxious engines kept me pointed in the right direction the whole time."
At last, the Range Rover was brought to a stop. The family wasn't our of the woods yet.
Stingologist Dr. Michelle Brennan explains. "One of the most dangerous things you can do in a bee crisis involving a moving vehicle is to stop! The momentum of the car tends to push the insect towards the back window, but stopping could perhaps fling the assailant right at you."
Unfortunately for the Range Rover residents, that's precisely what happened. The bikers took drastic action, smashing the driver's side window open in an attempt to draw the bee towards the fresh air and away from its hostages. Sadly, their tactic backfired. The bee had indeed gone towards the window, but was intercepted by the driver's hair, where it became stuck.
"GET IT OFF!? OH GOD IT JUST KEEPS STINGING!" the man could be heard screaming as he endured the wrath of the bee, Mother Nature's hate letter to mankind.
Our brave bikers would not be cowed by this terrifying act of unprovoked violence. Helmets and boots became weapons, thirsty for bee blood (it's acid, you know!). Within seconds, the villain was nothing more than a fuzzy pile of paste. Sadly, the victory came with a price. The driver suffered many wounds to his head during the attempt to save him.
"It was painful, chaotic," the driver recalled from his hospital bed. "But when it comes to a full-on bee attack, hesitation can kill. I'm so thankful that my family was at least spared. God put those bikers there to protect us, I just know it!"
Biker Eddie Parsons chuckled at the idea. "I don't know if guardian angels are allowed to do some of the stuff I do in my spare time. But if I can help a guy out of a dangerous situation, by God, I'm going it. America needs that now more than ever, you know?"
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Bizarro Detroit, MI (BP)- A new super hero patrols the streets of Detroit, looking to dispense justice whenever it's needed. He doesn't wear a mask, a uniform, or a cape. In fact, he usually doesn't wear anything at all. His name? The PCP Avenger!
"I was robbing this guy with my trusty knife, Little Stabby," inmate Carl Redden recalls. "All the sudden, I hear this banging noise, and there's this naked dude punching holes in a wood fence nearby. Bare hands!"
Redden's victim called out to the mighty stranger for help. After taking some time to rub a rusty nail across his inner thigh, The PCP Avenger charged into the fray. Redden frantically stabbed at the fearless hero, but the wounds had no effect. Mere seconds after the fight began, The Avenger stood victorious.
"I was so thankful!" said the robbery victim, who did not wish to be identified. "This guy was a stone cold badass! I didn't even mind when he started dry humping me with his bloody torso!"
Many more sightings of The PCP Avenger followed; along with tales of his incredible acrobatic skills and superhuman strength. Detroit's criminal underworld lived in constant terror. Police, however, were not impressed.
"This guy is a vigilante, plain and simple. There's no room for vigilantes in Detroit," said Detroit Police spokesman Lt. James Morris. "Not unless you're a properly licensed bounty hunter. If you are, for the love of God, please help. We can't pay you with money, but we've got come metal scraps that've gotta be worth something."
The wild-eyed warrior may not be the hero Detroit deserves, but it's the one they need right now. From all of us here at the Bizarro Post, we salute you, PCP Avenger!
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