Football Phenom Finally Free
Bizarro Hartford, CT (BP)- A Hartford courtroom erupted in applause Thursday morning as Edgar Torrington, star quarterback of the Hartford High School football team, was found not guilty of numerous felony charges.
Hartford High, home of the Honey Badgers, waited with bated breath for the outcome of this highly publicized trial.
"It's such a relief. The judge, the jury, everyone used their heads and made the best decision," said sophomore Shelley Crumb. "Thank God the system works!"
Torrington's charges go back to his arrest on May 23, where he was found in the maternity ward of Hartford Mercy Hospital wielding a hammer and covered in blood. Every newborn in the room had been brutally butchered without mercy. Medical examiner Dr.Oswald Krieger described the crime scene as a "vast tapestry of deliberate obscenity."
The next morning, as Torrington was continuously interrogated by detectives, pet store owner Desiree Johansen unlocked the door of Puppy Palace to find that her entire inventory of animals had been stomped into a salsa-like paste by football cleats. Police insisted that the attacks on the maternity ward and pet store were strongly related.
"Mr. Torrington was cooperative the entire time, and gave us a detailed confession of his role in the maternity ward murders," said Detective James Wells. "When we brought up the puppies, he owned up to that as well. I figured it was all over but the paperwork until I found out what a damn good football player he is."
With the exception of nerds who were savagely beaten, the Honey Badgers rallied to "Eddie" Torrington's defense.
"He made a mistake, geez," shouted cheerleader Colette Simmons. "Ye who casts the first stone, or whatever. You can't judge him, only God can!"
True enough, but the state of Connecticut was bound to try. Prosecutor Ignatius St.John presented the court with crime scene photos, affidavits from responding officers, and the defendant's detailed confession to every count of 1st degree murder, crimes against humanity, and crimes against nature.
"I really hate to do this, but it's my job," said St.John in his opening remarks.
"Oh?" replied defense attorney Fred Raul. "Just following orders, huh? Gee, where have I heard that one before?"
St.John wearily objected.
"Overruled!" cried Judge Mitchell Crosby. "Take a seat, Nazi-boy!"
In an unorthodox turn of events, no witnesses were called and no witnesses or investigators testified in person. The jury was asked to deliberate a mere hour after the trial commenced. As the jurors hit the threshold leading out of the courtroom, they spun on their heels and retook their seats.
"We the jury find that Eddie is a good kid, and he deserves a second chance."
"You mean he's not guilty. You actually have to say that," the judge gently corrected.
"Yeah, yeah. What you said."
As Torrington rose to embrace his attorney, Judge Crosby rapped his gavel.
"Now just hold on a second," Crosby shouted. "Mr. Torrington has confessed to hideous crimes, and there is no evidence whatsoever that he did not commit these travesties. However, out of respect for the jury's deliberation, I am prepared to release the defendant on one condition!"
The court fell silent.
"Could you autograph my gavel, Eddie?" Crosby asked.
Laughter filled the courtroom as Eddie served his sentence with a silver sharpie and a winning grin.
"You really had me going there, for a second!" Eddie said, handing the gavel back. "I should slurp up your intestines like fettuccine for that, you frail mortal!"
These days you'll find young Edgar Torrington studying his playbook, throwing laser-guided passes every Friday night, and volunteering at the Saint Nicholas Home for Defenseless and Trusting Seniors.
"It's great to be back on the field where I belong," said Torrington, cooling down after practice with a gilded chalice of sanguine liquid. "It will be some time before I must offer a boon. Until then, I will brood on my triumph."
With the Honey Badgers tucking away a comfortable victory last Friday, it looks like Torrington's prophecy is well underway.
Nelson Builds Nuclear Families
Bizarro Nelson, GA (BP)- The small town of Nelson, GA is enjoying its polite society brought about by the highly publicized mandatory nuke ownership law passed by the Nelson city council.
Larger homes were provided with short-range missile emplacements that could either be constructed on the lawn or mounted on the roof if building integrity permitted. Apartment units and trailer homes were given a Davy Crockett warhead delivery system that is designed to be fired from the shoulder.
The promise of mutually assured destruction has brought crime rates down to virtually nothing.
"We've had a few instances of Davy Crockett units being stolen during break-and-enters, but they're pretty easy to replace. Cheaper than finding out who took them, anyway," said Nelson Chief of Police Del Lowrey.
One unintended side effect is that commerce, school and church attendance have completely stalled. Nelson's streets are empty, its shop counters vacant. If you look closely enough, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of fingers slowly parting the blinds. Braver citizens hold vigil from roofs, deer stands, and in Pastor Tyrone Long's case, the bell tower. Pastor Long invited me into the sanctuary of The Nelson Church of God in Christ after seeing my helmet and vest identifying me as a member of the press. I join Pastor Long in his tower nest. His eyes rarely leave the rubber cups of his binoculars as we talk.
"About once a week, we get a conflict. Usually it's between a family whose daughter took pregnant, or maybe someone dog got lose and dirtied up a lawn," the pastor whispered. "They start flashing their big red buttons and their Crocketts like it's nothing. Did you know we're supposed to all launch our payload if one person does? Good Lord, as if it matters. One or a hundred, it'll kill us just the same."
The specter of southern racism ways heavily on Long's mind. He's been the head of this traditionally African-American congregation for nearly 20 years, without many serious conflicts beyond minor vandalism. Even so, every catalyst for destruction is worthy of concern in this town of 1,317.
"Don't tell anyone, but I'll never push my button," said Long, gesturing to a missile launcher mounted on the roof of his church. "I'll never be a part of this madness if I can help it. All I can do is watch and wait. Maybe they'll come to their senses over at the council. Get the National Guard in here to defuse Nelson nice and easy."
A council meeting is not likely at this point, however. Council members have refused to convene for any reason since the mandatory armament statute went into effect. Any decision, no matter how mundane, is subject to disagreement by somebody in Nelson. In nuclear Nelson, it is not wise to disagree.
"As far as I'm concerned, we've done what they said couldn't be done," said the mayor of Nelson, Edith McGovern. "We created the most peaceful town in America with just one ordinance. Or do you disagree?"
As the mayor caressed the big red button on her desk menacingly, I found that I couldn't. Nelson was everything anyone had ever wanted in a community. There was peace, no fighting, negligible crime. As Mayor McGovern passed me a souvenir snowglobe filled with glowing pieces of radioactive detritus, I found myself wondering if the plucky citizens of Nelson hadn't cracked the code.Perhaps Nelson, Georgia would be the blueprint for a new world.
After all, an armed society is a polite society.
Residents Eye Quiet Guy
Bizarro Benton, AR (BP)- A local man has been deemed "mostly harmless" by residents of Benton after several years of sulking around the community alone.
"I see him from time to time," said mall security guard DeShawn Dalton. "He keeps his eyes on his phone, or he pretends to look interested in signs and stuff. Isn't hurting anyone, really."
The man appears to be in his mid-20's, but his age is made slightly ambiguous by dark circles beneath his eyes and frown lines starting to form at the edge of his lips. He evidently lives alone in an apartment complex just outside of the city's commercial district.
"I don't know, he hasn't caused any problems. He nods when he passes by, but he keeps to himself mostly. No guests or anything," said neighbor Ashley Bronson.
As of now, there is nothing to indicate that this individual owns any weapons. However, he has been seen filling prescriptions at a nearby pharmacy, so make of that what you will. Residents plan to remain vigilant and cautiously polite towards the man.
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