Bizarro Post Television Bureau- We've got a sneak peek from behind the scenes at NBC's The Blacklist. Take a gander at our exclusive access to this actual script!
INT. DC METRO TUNNEL
AGENT KEEN stands with AGENT McWACKY and AGENT ANGRYPANTS on a subway platform with about six beat cops wandering around photographing things. The platform is lit by portable lamps provided by the police, but the focal point of the scene is the interior of the subway train--which casts a blue glow over an assortment of tangled bodies.
KEEN: Good God, what happened here?
McWACKY: I've never liked the subway, but it looks like these guys had a gas.
KEEN: What?
McWACKY: You see, they breathed poison vapor from that giant metal suitcase that a very conspicuous man that we got on camera in full HD left on the subway, and they died horribly. That's the joke.
ANGRYPANTS: This is no time for joking. I'm going to get the son of a bitch who did this. And then I'm going to drink to celebrate. And if I don't catch him, I'll drink anyway.
AGENT KEEN's completely unsecured cellphone rings. International super-criminal RED REDDINGTON, who refused to speak over traceable cell phone lines just two episodes ago, is on the other end.
RED: So, Agent Keene. What do you make of this particular Blacklister?
KEEN: He's one sick bastard. Although I'm confused about one thing. See, there was an act of mass murder using a biological agent on a major public transportation service, but there are only six cops here. We're treating this like a hooker got strangled. You'd expect a shitstorm of media and alphabet soup types running around here.
RED: Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?
KEEN: So it's all a part of a conspiracy. Dear God...
RED: No, no. There's actually no conspiracy here. The writers are high school freshmen from Creative Writing 101. Cheaper than the union types, but goddamn are they stupid.
KEEN: Is that why nobody is ever going to mention the surveillance footage of the suspect, or the fact that he used to be a government operative so our covert black site should already have tons of information on him, or the fact that he has civilian contacts who know his name, face and field of expertise? Or that he literally had a child with someone? All of this despite the fact that he's on your Blacklist, which is supposed to be guys that have completely gone off of the grid?
RED: I've said too much. Good luck, daught....I mean, Agent Keen.
AGENT KEEN hangs up and turns to her colleagues.
McWACKY: He still thinks that you being his daughter is going to be a shocking twist, huh?
KEEN: Yep. So what have we got to go on here?
ANGRYPANTS: Besides the obvious evidence that would lead us right to our man? Nothing, except one witness. She'll be at the courthouse to testify to what she saw even though that makes no sense because nobody has been arrested yet. There's no reason at all she couldn't giver her witness statement in a police precinct under the protection of many armed officers.
KEEN: Cool. I want her placed in a conspicuous area in the courthouse. And one guard. One! Find the biggest dumbass you can, and put him outside the door. And definitely don't show him a picture of the suspect or tell him the threat our witness faces.
ANGRYPANTS: I don't know why I'm taking orders from you, but consider it done.
INT. COURTHOUSE
NERVOUS WITNESS stands at a podium in a crowded courtroom, preparing to deliver her testimony for some reason. CUT to outside the courtroom, where a single OBESE GUARD stands glaring brainlessly into space. EVIL MCTERRORMAN walks in. He has shaven off his mustache, which renders him unrecognizable if you're an idiot.
EVIL: Hello. I am a special agent, so you have to let me in.
EVIL flashes a name badge he made in MS Paint and printed at the Kinkos next door.
GUARD: Alright then. Did you pass that large metal suitcase through a metal detector? Gosh, that thing sure does look like the evidence in the courtroom. Weird, huh? Okay, you're good to go.
EVIL: Thanks!
While the court proceedings continue, EVIL MCTERRORMAN strolls up to the witness stand and sets down the briefcase in plain view of everyone. He then returns to the lobby and engages the device, causing panic. Everyone collapses, except for IMMUNE LADY, who appears to be unaffected by the gas. She escapes into the hallway and runs into the arms of police officers, who are not affected by the pathogens on her clothes because of reasons. Meanwhile, EVIL runs out to the front of the courthouse and grabs a hostage. AGENT KEEN appears, poised to shoot EVIL.
EVIL: Not so fast, agent! I've got a human shield! That means you have to put your gun down and kick it away!
KEEN: Look, I'm new, but I wasn't born yesterday. That's not really how it works, is it?
EVIL: No, that's how it goes. It's kind of mean that they didn't tell you.
KEEN: Oh. Live and learn, I guess.
KEEN drops her weapon and kicks it down the stairs. EVIL shoots the hostage and skips away, giggling with glee. Nobody attempts to stop him. AGENT ANGRYPANTS runs up to the scene, and watches EVIL disappear into the sunset.
ANGRYPANTS: Dammit, Keen! Didn't you watch NBC's Ironside? You're supposed to shoot the hostage! I thought you had the guts to be one of the good guys, Keen. But now, I just don't know.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
IMMUNE LADY lies in a hospital bed, her vital signs appear normal. She is resting quietly when EVIL MCTERRORMAN enters, wearing scrubs. IMMUNE LADY awakens from a light sleep.
LADY: Gosh, if it weren't for that doctory outfit, you would look familiar.
EVIL: Who, me? I'm just a doctor man, who is here to doctor.
LADY: I hope you didn't have any trouble with all that FBI security guarding my room.
EVIL: What security? There's literally nobody there. Nobody questioned a strange man walking around in a hospital dressed as a staff member. And that's AFTER two high-profile attacks that should have triggered something pretty close to martial law. Pretty dumb, huh?
LADY: That's nice, 'hon. What do you need?
EVIL: Oh, I'm just going to inject this stuff into your IV bag.
LADY: Sure.
EVIL injects a mystery fluid into the IV bag. Soon, IMMUNE LADY drifts off to sleep.
EVIL: Alright, time to take some bone marrow in the middle of this hospital ward where anyone could walk in at any second.
INT. HOME OF EVIL GUY'S SON AND EX-LOVER, WHO IS NOT PRESENT FOR SOME REASON
EVIL GUY'S SON lies unconscious on the couch. EVIL MCTERRORMAN had been intentionally exposing people to the same virus that infected his son until he found someone who was immune. For some reason, his son's disease has picked this specific moment to become near-fatal. Also, injecting bone marrow from an immune person into an infected person cures the disease, because science. EVIL MCTERRORMAN stands poised above SON, seconds from saving his life. AGENT KEEN kicks in the door.
KEEN: Stop right there!
EVIL: Jesus, lady, are you serious? Can't I just save my son's life, and then you shoot me or whatever?
KEEN: In no universe are you injecting that into your son.
EVIL: What the hell kind of line is that? Was that supposed to be some kind of noire detective thing? Wow, that's awful. Anyway, why not?
KEEN: Because you don't know that it will work! It could kill him!
EVIL: He's literally going to die anyway. We have absolutely nothing to lose here. I'm going to do it.
EVIL MCTERRORMAN begins the delicate process of injecting the marrow into his son's neck.
KEEN: Suspect has a gun! He's headed right for me!
AGENT KEEN shoots EVIL MCTERRORMAN three times in the chest before he can inject the magic marrow. He falls dead to the floor. KEEN lights a cigarette and waits for backup, casually watching the SON lying still until it is clear that he's dead. AGENT ANGRYPANTS walks through the door and surveys the scene.
ANGRYPANTS: Agent Keen. You could have let that criminal save the life of a dying infant before taking him into custody, but you chose to shoot him to death and do nothing productive while you waited for me to assess your professionalism?
KEEN: Right, sir.
ANGRYPANTS: You're going to do just fine in the bureau, Keen. Congratulations. Isn't it great to be the good guy?
AGENT KEEN tosses her cigarette onto the SON's cold, gray face where it smolders.
KEEN: It sure is.
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