Country Crooners Corrupting Culture

Bizarro Reno, NV (BP)- In the wake of the Folsom Blues Killer's arrest, parents and family advocacy groups are leveling harsh criticism at country music and country music culture.

"It's time that God-fearing Americans take a stand against this smut," said Marilee Dubois, a spokeswoman for the Family Association of Familial Families. "Nobody else needs to lose their lives to this culture of violence."

Hunting for the Man in Black

Fredrick North, 19, was arrested Tuesday and charged with seven counts of first-degree murder. North's rampage terrorized the Reno area, cutting sharply into tourism during an economically vital season. The victims, all male adults, were found alone in their motel rooms with gunshot wounds that left them alive, but incapacitated. Investigators received their big break when North called in to a radio show on Big Country 81.3 FM.

"I shot them, yes," rasped North into the phone. "Just to watch them die."

After determining that the call had been made from a payphone outside of an RV park on East 2nd Street, police were able to get accounts of a suspicious person from employees and patrons. Despite the searing heat of a Nevada summer, North wore an entirely black outfit; complete with gloves, a trenchcoat, and a Stetson. An hour later, a half mile from the payphone, a gas station clerk reported a man in a trenchcoat with a revolver tucked into his waistband. North purchased a bottle of water and left without incident.

"He just struck me as dangerous. He was staring a thousand miles right past me," said cashier Angela Romero.

Reno police and FBI agents descended in force, placing a sweating and compliant Fredrick North under arrest.

"He surrendered without incident, and we were able to secure his weapon immediately," said FBI agent Scott Molder. "We'd like to thank the public for their support in locating this dangerous individual."

A Nation Demands Action

The talking point began as soon as the cuffs snapped shut: What role did country music and country-western culture play in this and other violent acts?

"This killer, this Fredrick North, he was inspired by a thuggish country song by known drug fiend Johnny Cash," growled conservative talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh. "And this isn't the only example, folks! It's only going to get worse unless we challenge the 'PC police' and take decisive action."

 Pictured: Johnny Cash, probably responding to an elderly nun asking for an autograph

Country music is known to include references to gun-play, alcohol consumption, and wanton sexuality outside of the sanctity of marriage. Movies such as True Grit and Tombstone include casual acts of murder, execution, and violence against women. According to critics, these common themes can glamorize criminal behavior and causes additional acts of violence from impressionable consumers.

Pressure to act has reached Capitol Hill, but lawmakers are warning that there isn't much they can do Constitutionally. Tea Party lawmakers, however, have pledged to take the fight against obscenity to the streets.

"I'm not afraid to tell the truth, and nobody else should be. It's this pervasive culture among southern whites, constantly promoting this dangerous lifestyle of gunslinging and cattle rustling," said Ted Cruz (R-Canada). "They're going to be taken to task, be sure of that!"

Country music fans aren't taking this challenge lying down. In Nashville, known globally as the home of country and bluegrass music, an organized effort to defend the city's cultural foundation is underway.

"We're just telling stories about the way things are on the dirty south streets. No really, they're actual dirt, so they're demonstrably dirty," said recording artist Hank Atwood. "This is poetry from the farms. From the dusty bars where you can put your boots up and speak your mind." 

A brand new culture war appears to be in the cards. Two posses prepare to throw down on one another at high noon, hot irons gleaming in the cruel desert sun. Barrels gape like empty eye sockets. Air's so thick, you can practically taste a tinge of blood against your parched tongoddamnit they got me too. Look, anybody know where a guy can buy a spittoon at this hour?